The Curious Urinal Sept. 1, 2010

Surprise Town Hall Meeting From The President

In the 'Never will happen in Buzzardbait' Department, history was made yesterday as the presidential motorcade rolled into Buzzardbait. Throngs of cheering people... Okay, there were three people who happened to be standing on the corner of Main and Pudding Streets, and they waved at the presidential limo as it passed by.

The motorcade came to a stop at Buzzardbait High School, where the Secret Service quickly hustled the president inside the gymnasium. Following close behind the motorcade was two buses full of Acorn volunteers and SEIU members, all cheering as they pulled up to the high school and quickly ushered inside. A legion of national media types set up shop in the parking lot. As the media began to set up, SEIU members and Acorn workers quickly beat up the Fox reporter and a couple of old ladies for good measure.

A few locals were also allowed inside. One was Bisbee Hollings, a local farmer. Another was Leslie Buttermounds of Hooter Heights. They were told that they would be allowed to ask the president a question after his speech. As the crowd milled inside, they were being ushered through a metal detector, and then patted down, being searched for weapons. One older woman asked, “I wonder if they will strip search me like they did at the Lousyville Airport last month? They let those nice Arab fellers on without so much as asking them to be searched, but they took me into a room and made me strip down to my birthday suit. I'm 80 years old. I don't think I look like a terrorist!” She soon was allowed inside without a strip search. The other few locals that were allowed inside were hustled unceremoniously to the bleachers.

Suddenly the president was on the stage, walking proudly toward the dais, waving to the cheering Acorn workers and SEIU members seated in the chairs on the schools basketball court. Once at the podium, surrounded by teleprompters, he began speaking about how he had turned the nation around, how he created or saved countless millions of jobs, and he personally took charge of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, defeating the Taliban and how he has brought peace to the Middle East, all the while doing what the American people wanted, transforming America from the leader of the free world, to just another nation state full of obscene taxes, chaos and turmoil.

After his speech ended, he began taking questions from the audience. One of the Acorn workers asked if it had been tough to work his miracles. The president replied, “Although I inherited a great deal in way of problems from the previous administration, I have risen to the challenge and cured the world of its ills.”

Another softball question followed from an SEIU member about the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. The President answered, “Since I inherited the Bush Wars, I took it into deep consideration what to do, and implemented a plan that would end both wars, withdrawing our troops, and prosecuting those who we could spend billions on in kangaroo courts all over New York.”

Yet another question on the economy. The President's answer, “Bush's fault!”

And energy costs... “Bush's fault!”

And moral decline... “Bush's fault!”

The cost of health care... “Bush's fault!”

Lack of medical advances... “Bush's fault!”

Sports issues... “Bush's fault!”

Reality TV... “Bush's fault!”

The weather... “Bush's fault!”

Finally, Leslie Buttermounds was allowed to ask her question. “Mr. President, I have been studying history. The Carter administration had a deep recession back in the late 70's. There were gas shortages, high unemployment, and the Iranian Hostage Crisis just to name a few problems. Who would you say was to blame then, and how would you have fixed it?”

The President looked at his teleprompter and replied, “The Bush Policies created a Reverse Time Warp Effect, or a RTWE, that caused the recession, the gas shortages and the Iranian Hostage Crisis. Had I been there, I would have negotiated with the hostage takers, and freed the hostages within a day. Ronald Reagan took credit for something that I would have done had I been president back then.”

Bisbee Hollings stood, his overalls greasy and soiled from years of hard Tobacco-flavored cumquat farming, and asked, “Back when I was a boy, we had the Great Depression. Now I was a yungin' back then, but I remember how hard times were. What's happening today ain't shit compared to back then!”

The president smiled, consulted his teleprompter and replied, “When the Great Depression was in full force, George Bush never turned a hand to try to fix it. I used my Way Back Time Machine and fixed the economy, saving or creating countless millions of jobs!”

Bur Mr. Hollings wasn't done. “Then what about the Civil War?”

“Again,” the President began, “George Bush allowed that to take place, and we all know how things turned out. Had I been president back then, I would have done what was necessary to end the war. I would have told the generals to withdraw all of their troops in eleven months and let them solve their own problems!”

As the pro-Obama crowd cheered, another Buzzardbait resident asked, “When Rome was burning, where were you?”

The president replied, “As you know, it was the failed Bush tax policies that led to the downfall of the Roman Empire. I am trying my best to implement a new world order to make sure that we all live under the same laws, the same taxes, and that you people can live your lives without having to worry about little things like freedom and the ability to live past 60.”

Yet another Buzzardbait resident asked, “When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and the serpent tempted Eve with the apple, did that cause the world's problems?”

The president looked at his teleprompter and said in a strong, commanding voice, “Uh, well, George Bush relied too much on tax cuts, and got us into the mess we are in today. Seeing how I could have been able to show Adam and Eve that Universal Health Care could have saved them from being without insurance when one of them needed to go to the hospital, then you could say that George Bush misled them like he did with the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan.”

Before anyone else could ask a question, the president waved to the zombie-like Acorn and SEIU members and walked off stage.

Minutes later, as the motorcade left, along with the cheering SEIU and Acorn folks, the small crowd of Buzzardbait locals gathered around and shrugged. When asked what he thought of the president's speech, Bisbee Hollings simplified the entire thing. He said, “I hope when the next president gets into office that they blame Obama for everything. I bet those liberals won't like that one derned bit!”

Leslie Buttermounds added, "Maybe Sarah Palin might be the next president? She's got more brains in her little finger that that Obama guy has in his swollen head!"