The Curious Urinal – Monday Aug. 30, 2010

Microbes Eating Gulf Oil?

WASHINGTON - A newly discovered oil-eating microbe is flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. Scientists discovered the new microbe while studying the underwater dispersion of millions of gallons of oil spilled into the Gulf following the explosion of BP's Deepwater Horizon drilling rig.

“The microbe is eating the oil without significantly depleting oxygen in the water.” Says Larry Leaky, a researcher for the Save the Gulf Foundation. He also added, “Now if we could find a microbe that would eat liberals without barfing, then we’d really have something wonderful!”

Boehner says: Fire the WH Economic Team!

President Obama should ask for and accept the resignations of Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, National Economic Council chief Larry Summers and the rest of his economics team, House Minority Leader John Boehner said last Tuesday.

And in a related item, the vast majority of Americans wish for Obama and the entire administration to resign, and be replaced by Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hanity and Glenn Beck.

Rangel to Obama: FU!

Rep. Charlie Rangel suggested last Monday that he's not going to take any lessons on dignity from young whippersnappers like President Obama.
The New York Democrat, currently embroiled in an ongoing ethics investigation, lashed out at the president, saying that Obama, 49, is too young to judge him on such matters.

"Frankly, he has not been around long enough to determine what my dignity is," Rangel was quoted saying by The New York Times.

But an anonymous spokesperson for the Truth in Government Society said, “Hey Charlie, you have to have dignity before someone can actually make a determination on it.”

Say it ain’t so, Bozo

Prior to his death in 2008, Larry "Bozo" Harmon penned the recently released memoir "The Man Behind the Nose,” about his adventures. Harmon, who was a professional clown, ran for President, bonded with dangerous cannibal tribes in New Guinea, and was saved from being swallowed whole by a murderous python in Thailand by his 83 AAA shoes according to his autobiography.

But now Harmon’s second (of four) wife, Sandra Harmon, the author of two relationship books and “Elvis & Me” with Priscilla Presley, is biting back with claims that the crazy tales are a result of him being a “pathological liar.”

Sandra Harmon is writing her own book entitled “Sleeping with Bozo and Other Clowns” to expose dirty details of her marriage to Larry, who she alleges was unfaithful. According to her, Bozo slept with anyone and everyone, and enjoyed doing so while in make-up.

This just in: Tiger Woods has denied sleeping with Bozo, although he did say that he enjoyed a healthy relationship with the clown.

And People in L.A. Thought the Traffic Was Bad There

BEIJING — A massive traffic jam in north China now stretches for dozens of miles and has lasted over 10-day mark as of last Tuesday. It all started when China began road construction in Beijing that won't be finished until the middle of next month, an official said, not wanting her name released in fear of death by the Communist-run nation.

The bumper-to-bumper gridlock, which spans over 60 miles, with cars moving little more than a half-mile a day at one point has improved since this past weekend. But then she said she wasn't sure when the situation along the Beijing-Zhangjiakou highway would return to normal.
History of the worst traffic jam in history: The traffic jam started Aug. 14 on a stretch of the Beijing-Zhangjiakou highway. That section has frequently been congested, especially after large coalfields were discovered in Inner Mongolia. Traffic volume has increased 40 percent every year.

Drivers stranded in the gridlock in the Inner Mongolia region and Hebei province, headed toward Beijing, passed the time sleeping, walking around, or playing cards and chess. Local villagers were doing brisk business selling instant noodles, boxed lunches and snacks, weaving between the parked trucks on bicycles.

Also, a chain of motels and several restaurants have opened along that stretch of highway. And three Walmart Superstores have been built to accommodate the needs of those stranded on the highway.

A spokesperson from the China Peoples Highway Department (who wished to remain anonymous due to fears for her life) stated, “Since we export more crap to the rest of the world than anyone, we figured we might wish to make a few extra yen selling the crap to our own people.”