Pastor Fired For Saying 'Jesus'
A North Carolina pastor was relieved of his duties as an honorary chaplain of the state house of representatives after he closed a prayer by invoking the name of Jesus.
“I got fired,” said the pastor of a Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, NC. He had been invited to lead prayer for an entire week but his tenure was cut short when he refused to remove the name Jesus from his invocation.
The trouble began during the week of May 31. He said a House Clerk asked to see his prayer. The invocation including prayers for our military, state lawmakers and a petition to God asking him to bless North Carolina.”
“When I handed it to the lady, I watched her eyes and they immediately went right to the bottom of the page and the word Jesus and she said ‘We would prefer that you not use the name Jesus. We have some people here that can be offended.’”
When he decided to not remove Jesus from the prayer, the pastor was immediately fired.
The House Clerk, Basheba Muhammed, screamed 'Allah Akbar' and then blew up the assemblage. No word if charges will be filed against the pastor.
Government: Gulf Seafood Being Tested
So far, government testing shows no worrisome levels of oil contamination in shrimp, grouper, tuna and other seafood caught along the fringes of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. "They are are safe to eat," according to a federal agency inspector, Ima Lyon.
"We have taken around 400 samples of commonly consumed species caught mostly in open waters and have chemically tested them. So far, none of them have shown levels of contaminant that concerns us.
The Food and Drug Administration began catching seafood species in the Gulf within days of the April 20 BP rig explosion off the Louisiana coast that generated a massive oil spill.
"We're looking for polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons, or PAHs. That's the most common carcinogenic components of crude oil. Seafood inspectors also have been sniffing out oily product. One fish sample has failed the smell test, but did not show concerning levels of contaminants" She added. "The guys said the seafood smelled just like a New Orleans hooker, and that was bad!"
But local seafood restaurant owner, Charlie DeTuna, stated, "I just changed the oil in my El Camino with three shrimp, a sea bass, and one of those three-eyed groupers. Afterwards, I sold them to my customers and they said they were delicious!"
Uganda Attacks Mark Bloody End to World Cup
Two suicide bombers blew up a home in Uganda during a World Cup party. The attack marks the first time al-Shabab has reached out beyond the borders of Somalia, where the militia has seized control of large swathes of territory and established a strict and brutal form of Islamic law in its wake.
The group claimed responsibility for the blasts Monday, saying its militants would carry out attacks "against our enemy" wherever they are. "No one will deter us from performing our Islamic duty," said Sheik Ali Mohamud Rage, a group spokesman in Mogadishu. He made the statement while brutalizing some women and children.
Sheik Yusuf Sheik Issa, an al-Shabab commander, told reporters early Monday that he was happy with the attacks. "Uganda is one of our enemies. Whatever makes them cry, makes us happy. May Allah's anger be upon those who are against us," Sheik said. He then beheaded a cat because it had dared not respect his authority.
It was earlier believed that the group had bombed the house because they had vuvuzulas there.
In Local News
County Bomb Squad Explodes Suspicious Package
The Ammo County bomb squad blew up a suspicious suitcase. It turned out to be a couple of cans of food and a can opener.
Officers investigating a suspicious suitcase found in Buzzardbait Park and Mud Bog took X-rays of the package. What they saw was several cylinders inside and something that looked like tools, wires, C-4 and packing.
They cleared the area and blew the suitcase up.
A closer inspection after the blast revealed that the suspicious items were a can of cream corn, two cans of tuna, a couple of cans of soda , a container of Cheese Wizz and crackers. And the tools? A can-opener, a fork, an Ipod and a pair of earbuds. The packing was a picnic blanket. No bomb.
After the blast, Johnny Snuffsniffer of Poon Point was arrested for leaving the suitcase near the restrooms. Mr. Snuffsniffer was in the bathroom at the time of the discovery, having a bout of the grippers. He tried to explain to the officers that the sign on the door of the restrooms clearly indicated that nothing could be brought inside, thus he left his suitcase outside the door.
A North Carolina pastor was relieved of his duties as an honorary chaplain of the state house of representatives after he closed a prayer by invoking the name of Jesus.
“I got fired,” said the pastor of a Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, NC. He had been invited to lead prayer for an entire week but his tenure was cut short when he refused to remove the name Jesus from his invocation.
The trouble began during the week of May 31. He said a House Clerk asked to see his prayer. The invocation including prayers for our military, state lawmakers and a petition to God asking him to bless North Carolina.”
“When I handed it to the lady, I watched her eyes and they immediately went right to the bottom of the page and the word Jesus and she said ‘We would prefer that you not use the name Jesus. We have some people here that can be offended.’”
When he decided to not remove Jesus from the prayer, the pastor was immediately fired.
The House Clerk, Basheba Muhammed, screamed 'Allah Akbar' and then blew up the assemblage. No word if charges will be filed against the pastor.
Government: Gulf Seafood Being Tested
So far, government testing shows no worrisome levels of oil contamination in shrimp, grouper, tuna and other seafood caught along the fringes of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. "They are are safe to eat," according to a federal agency inspector, Ima Lyon.
"We have taken around 400 samples of commonly consumed species caught mostly in open waters and have chemically tested them. So far, none of them have shown levels of contaminant that concerns us.
The Food and Drug Administration began catching seafood species in the Gulf within days of the April 20 BP rig explosion off the Louisiana coast that generated a massive oil spill.
"We're looking for polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons, or PAHs. That's the most common carcinogenic components of crude oil. Seafood inspectors also have been sniffing out oily product. One fish sample has failed the smell test, but did not show concerning levels of contaminants" She added. "The guys said the seafood smelled just like a New Orleans hooker, and that was bad!"
But local seafood restaurant owner, Charlie DeTuna, stated, "I just changed the oil in my El Camino with three shrimp, a sea bass, and one of those three-eyed groupers. Afterwards, I sold them to my customers and they said they were delicious!"
Uganda Attacks Mark Bloody End to World Cup
Two suicide bombers blew up a home in Uganda during a World Cup party. The attack marks the first time al-Shabab has reached out beyond the borders of Somalia, where the militia has seized control of large swathes of territory and established a strict and brutal form of Islamic law in its wake.
The group claimed responsibility for the blasts Monday, saying its militants would carry out attacks "against our enemy" wherever they are. "No one will deter us from performing our Islamic duty," said Sheik Ali Mohamud Rage, a group spokesman in Mogadishu. He made the statement while brutalizing some women and children.
Sheik Yusuf Sheik Issa, an al-Shabab commander, told reporters early Monday that he was happy with the attacks. "Uganda is one of our enemies. Whatever makes them cry, makes us happy. May Allah's anger be upon those who are against us," Sheik said. He then beheaded a cat because it had dared not respect his authority.
It was earlier believed that the group had bombed the house because they had vuvuzulas there.
In Local News
County Bomb Squad Explodes Suspicious Package
The Ammo County bomb squad blew up a suspicious suitcase. It turned out to be a couple of cans of food and a can opener.
Officers investigating a suspicious suitcase found in Buzzardbait Park and Mud Bog took X-rays of the package. What they saw was several cylinders inside and something that looked like tools, wires, C-4 and packing.
They cleared the area and blew the suitcase up.
A closer inspection after the blast revealed that the suspicious items were a can of cream corn, two cans of tuna, a couple of cans of soda , a container of Cheese Wizz and crackers. And the tools? A can-opener, a fork, an Ipod and a pair of earbuds. The packing was a picnic blanket. No bomb.
After the blast, Johnny Snuffsniffer of Poon Point was arrested for leaving the suitcase near the restrooms. Mr. Snuffsniffer was in the bathroom at the time of the discovery, having a bout of the grippers. He tried to explain to the officers that the sign on the door of the restrooms clearly indicated that nothing could be brought inside, thus he left his suitcase outside the door.
There is no word on when bail will be set for Mr. Snuffsniffer.
The entire incident cost taxpayers $35,000 for the botched investigation.
This report was paid for by the following advertiser.
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Wipe out isn’t just another cream or medication that slowly reduces acne. Wipe Out is the breakthrough that you’ve been waiting for.
The process is simple: Just apply a generous portion of Wipe Out to the affected area; then rub in with a Brillo pad or any comparable steel wool pad; and then watch the magic happen.
When you see the red mixing with the blue, you will get purple, and that’s when you know Wipe Out is working!
Reduce occurrences of acne by 50% with the first usage! *
Come by the Buzzardbait Acne Clinic and Steel Wool Center today! Conveniently located at 5th and Main in Beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait.
* Reduced occurrences of acne by 50% is mainly due to the fact that you cannot see your skin for the blood and bits of loose, dangling pieces of meat.
Disclaimer:
Wipe Out is a fairly harmless acne cream, containing only the finest ingredients. Usage of steel wool on your skin is entirely up to the individual. Common side effects are bloody, raw skin; permanent scarring; a desire to scream when the alcohol-based cream is applied to the bloody, raw skin; sudden mood swings; the ability to live with acne regardless of how it may look on you; and the feeling of intense pain in affected areas.
Do not use Wipe Out if you’re afraid of pain or blood. Not recommended for use by anyone who owns a firearm and hates quack doctors.
Dr. Imgona Takumoni is in no way responsible for any adverse effects that you may and probably will incur with usage of this product, and therefore cannot be sued for malpractice. You use the product at your own risk!
The entire incident cost taxpayers $35,000 for the botched investigation.
This report was paid for by the following advertiser.
Dr. Imgona Takumoni, Buzzardbait’s foremost expert on acne, has developed a revolutionary new way to deal with teen acne, adult acne, and every other form of acne. It’s called Wipe Out!
.jpg)
Wipe out isn’t just another cream or medication that slowly reduces acne. Wipe Out is the breakthrough that you’ve been waiting for.
The process is simple: Just apply a generous portion of Wipe Out to the affected area; then rub in with a Brillo pad or any comparable steel wool pad; and then watch the magic happen.
When you see the red mixing with the blue, you will get purple, and that’s when you know Wipe Out is working!
Reduce occurrences of acne by 50% with the first usage! *
Come by the Buzzardbait Acne Clinic and Steel Wool Center today! Conveniently located at 5th and Main in Beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait.
* Reduced occurrences of acne by 50% is mainly due to the fact that you cannot see your skin for the blood and bits of loose, dangling pieces of meat.
Disclaimer:
Wipe Out is a fairly harmless acne cream, containing only the finest ingredients. Usage of steel wool on your skin is entirely up to the individual. Common side effects are bloody, raw skin; permanent scarring; a desire to scream when the alcohol-based cream is applied to the bloody, raw skin; sudden mood swings; the ability to live with acne regardless of how it may look on you; and the feeling of intense pain in affected areas.
Do not use Wipe Out if you’re afraid of pain or blood. Not recommended for use by anyone who owns a firearm and hates quack doctors.
Dr. Imgona Takumoni is in no way responsible for any adverse effects that you may and probably will incur with usage of this product, and therefore cannot be sued for malpractice. You use the product at your own risk!
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