The Curious Urinal Interview:


Stinky the Fece-Throwing Monkey.

You probably don't know it, but local celebrity, Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey has seen his share of ups and downs over the years. In fact, sitting down with the megastar, he recounts his life in the business in this exclusive interview.

When we sat down last week to chat, Stinky had just arrived back in town. His work had taken him away from his home at the Buzzardbait Zoo for a few weeks. In that time, he shot his scenes for three upcoming feature films set for release next year. We asked him about the films and he said:

Stinky: “I can't talk about them due to contractual concerns. But next year, Stinky is back with a vengeance! That I can guarantee.”

CU: “So what can you tell us about your career that no one knows?”

Stinky: “Where to begin? Well, I suppose that A Chimpanzee Christmas Story was my break-out film. I played Ralphy, that adorable little monkey that wanted the Red Rider Banana Gun for Christmas. It wasn't easy to play the role, having no acting experience, but I muddled through it and that movie has since become a classic.”
















CU: “What about the next film?”

Stinky: “Who Framed Chester Chimp? Now that was a funny movie. I was four years old and had two lines in the entire film. I still remember them too!”

CU: “What were they?”

Stinky: “'Where's my banana?' and 'Who want's some poo?'”

CU: “That was back in the days before you took your stage name?”

Stinky: “Yeah. I was just known as Stinky back then.”

CU: “So what happened from there?”

Stinky: “I got parts in several films back in the '80's that were pretty much standard roles. I was the boy monkey in Little Shop of Bananas. I had a small part in The Velveteen Chimp. Then I finally got to play a bigger role. The Great Monkey Caper made me a star, I suppose. From there, the roles came often.”

CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”

Stinky: “Please.”

CU: “Go on.”

Stinky: “I got a part in the epic Escape from New York Zoo. I was the bad ass kid that beat the snot out of Snake before he killed me. Then The Monkey Pit came along. I almost turned it down until I found out Tom Yanks was in it.”




CU: “Good actor!”

Stinky: “Very! After that – thanks for the banana smoothie – after that, I landed the plumb role of a lifetime. I was the star finally. Indiana Chimp and The Last Banana was the role of a lifetime. I got to be the hero and get the girl... And the banana too!”












CU: “That was a great movie!”

Stinky: “Thank you. After that, the roles kept coming in. I was in Robin Hood: Chimps in Tights. I played Friar Monk in that. Then there was When Harry met Stinky. Oh, now that was a fun movie to make!”

CU: “Again teaming up with Tom Yanks.”

Stinky: “Yes. He's great! After that, I was in An Officer and a Chimpanzee with Richard Gearbox. Then came Romancing the Ape, Repo Chimp, Gorillas in the Midst, The Color of Monkey with Paul Numman and Tom Clues... And then there's my personal favorite, Stinky and the Bandit! with Dirk Biddles.”

CU: And that ended the '80's in style!”

Stinky: “Yes. But that was when I started drinking too much. You know how Hollywood is? It's one big party and I got caught up in it all.”

CU: “But that was also when you did some of your best work.”

Stinky: “Well, yes. But I have to admit that it was difficult to get through the long shoots and the changes that I was going through personally. I was in my teens and partying into the wee hours with my friends, and I didn't show up for days at a time to film my parts.”

CU: “How bad was it?”

Stinky: “Well, I got to work with Tom Yanks yet again in Forrest Chimp. But I think he knew I was in trouble. He suggested I lay off the sauce and refocus my energy toward the movies. I tried so hard. I did Chimp Fiction with John Revolta and Samual L. Jackya, but I was partying so hard with Uma Furmann, that I lost sight of the fact that the director was unhappy with my work. Most of my scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. My part went from a large part to that of a supporting actor, and from there it was all downhill.”














CU: “You still worked though?”

Stinky: “Yes. I was in Silence of the Chimps. My favorite role in the '90's. I remember the line that made millions squeamish, 'I ate his liver... With some fava beans and a banana smoothie.' That was a delicious role. I actually was sober for most of that movie because of the intensity of the character.”

CU: “But that was when everything changed?”

Stinky: “Yes. After that, I did one other really decent film. The Cable Chimp with Jim Furry. But he and I didn't get along very well, and I began drinking openly and became very unpredictable. I began throwing poo most every day, and I was black-balled because I was such an ass to work with. And from there, the roles became fewer and far between. There was Tales of the Chimp, which was a really bad movie. After that, I did Attack of the Killer Bananas and And that stupid Biznee flick, That Darn Chimp. After that no one really wanted to have me in their films at all.”

CU: “So you went into TV?”

Stinky: “Yeah. That was a bad time too. I was drunk most of the time. I ended up as a semi-regular on Teenage Mutant Ninja Monkeys for a time. But I cold-cocked the director one day for knocking my drink over.”

CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”

Stinky: “Thank you. These are really good.”

CU: “So, you were saying?”

Stinky: “Right. I was kicked off the set of the Mutant Monkeys show and got lucky and landed a small part in The Telemonkeys. But again, I got drunk on the set and they stuck me in C.A.”

CU: “C.A.?”

Stinky: “Chimpanzees Anonymous. It took some time, but I started to dry out. But I had a relapse on the set of The Mighty Morphin Power Monkeys and ended up in rehab. Six weeks of drying out and I came out clean and sober. From there, I landed a part that started to make my star shine again. Stinky and the Brain. I did two seasons of that before it was canceled. I felt really bad about that too, because it was a great little show. But the audience just wasn't there. The ratings sucked and that was it.”

CU: “Did you start drinking again?”

Stinky: “Big time. I was drinking Banana Daiquiris right and left. I was once again in denial and was trying to show the world my talent at the same time. I landed a role on a soap opera and I did that for a little while. Here I had been a major star and had sunk to the lowest point in my career doing a freakin' soap opera!”

CU: “You won a Daytime Emmy for your role though!”

Stinky: “I played the drunk on As the Chimp Turns. It wasn't a hard part to play. I simply fooled everyone by saying that I stayed in character all of the time. But when they discovered I was really drinking, they fired me on the spot! The last TV show I was on after that was Circus of the Network Has-Beens. From there, I disappeared into a bottle for a few years.”

CU: “What happened to change your life?”

Stinky: “Tom Yanks found me living under a viaduct one day as he was driving around in his sports car. He got me into the car and took me to rehab and paid to have me go through it. It was like he really wanted me to be free of the demon that had possessed me. And I owe him big time too!”

CU: “So now we are into the new century. You are clean and sober again, but something changed to turn your acting career in a new direction?”

Stinky: “Right. I met a young actor/rapper named Will Smiff. He was working on a movie and he told me that I had been the reason he wanted to be an actor in the first place. He saw me in Indiana Chimp and thought I was da bomb! He got the director to cast me in a film he was doing called Chimps In Black! From there, things started to roll again. But I decided that Stinky wasn't going to be just another comeback actor like Robert Downme Jr. I did something in that movie that got a lot of laughs, so I incorporated it into my stage name. It's a gimmick, but it works pretty well for me.”














CU: And Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey was the result!”

Stinky: “Exactly. And after that, I have been busy. I did all three of the Star Warped movies, the Chimptastic Four, and have done tons of TV shows too. Monkey Legal was fun. William Splatner is a hoot to work with. Then I was on Chimplock with Andy Grippit for several episodes. But the movies are my first love, so I concentrated more on that. I got to work with Tom Yanks again on his mega-hit film, The Chimpvinci Code, and worked with Will Smiff again on Independence Ape. I was the Chief in Chimpman Begins, and did a couple of the Harry Pothead movies too. And now, here I am, just off the plane and back for a vacation after filming three different movies. One of which will be big box office, I'm sure!”















CU: “I heard rumors that one of those films was The Chimpvengers movie!”

Stinky: “You heard right. But like I said, I can't really speak of the new ones yet. But I'll let you know when the press junkets begin, so you can get the interview when I'm allowed to talk about them. Besides, my agent would kill me if I did something crazy like that.”

CU: “B.A. Gorilla is still your agent, right?”

Stinky: Bad Ass is still my agent, and will continue in that role for as long as I can act.”

CU: “Stinky, I want to thank you for sitting down with me today.”

Stinky: “Could I get another Banana Smoothie before you go. These are damned good!”

CU: “Sure.”

A conversation at Chez Marty's

“Good evening and welcome to Chez Marty's. I am your waiter, Jean Luc. What can I get for you wonderful people this evening?”

“Hey there, John Luke. Listen here, I'm hungrier that a shark in a pool full of fat people. I need me some steak!”

“Sir, you have come to the right place for meat. We have only the finest cuts of USDA Choice beef here at Chez Marty's!”

“Really? Watcha got?”

“Well, we have Chateaubriand, Delmonico, Filet mignon, Flank steak, Flatiron steak, Hanger steak, London Broil, New York strip, Porterhouse, Prime rib, Rib-eye, Sirloin steak, T-bone, and Tri-tip.”

“How about a T-Bone?”

“10 Ounce, 12 ounce or 16 ounce?”

“Better do the big one cause I'm hungrier that a broke-dick dog in a room full of bitches in heat!”

“Yes, of course. And how would you like that prepared? Well, medium well, or rare?"

"Looky here... I want you to go out and run that cow till he's good and hot, then catch him, light a match under that sucker and slap him on a plate!"

"Rare it is then."

"Damn skippy!"

"And for you madame?”

“I'm not very hungry. Do you have salads?”

“Madame, we have only the finest salads here at Chez Marty's.”

“What kinds do you have?”

“Madame, we have our house salad, a wonderful Caesar Salad, Bean Salad, Broccoli Salad, Chef Salad, Chicken Salad - American and Chinese styles, Cole Slaw, Congealed Salad, Cookie Salad, Crab Louie Salad, Egg Salad, Eggplant Salad, Fattoush, Fruit Salad, Gado-Gado, Greek Salad, Ham Salad, Israeli Salad, Larb, Nicoise Salad, Panzanella, Pasta Salad, Potato Salad, Russian Salad, Salmagundi Salad, Seven-layer Salad, Shopska Salad, Somen Salad, Som Tan, Gỏi ngó sen, Bouli, Taco Salad, Tuna Salad, Waldorf Salad and Watergate Salad.”

“I'll just have the house salad.”

“And what kind of dressing would you care for this evening?”

“I'm not sure. What kinds do you have?”

“Well... We have Blue Cheese, Ceasar, Diseased Yak Ejaculate, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, French, Honey Dijon, Hummus, Italian, Louis, Ranch, Rice Vinegar, Russian, Tahini, 10-W-40, Thousand Island, Vinaigrette, Wafu, and Whale Excrement.”

“Hmm? I think I'll just have the house salad with ranch dressing then.”

“Excellent choice. And what would you enjoy drinking with your meal tonight. We have many superb wines on our menu.”

“Got beer?”

“Sir, here at Chez Matry's, we have an extensive assortment of ales.”

“Like what?”

“Ahem, well, we have several types. It depends on if you desire an ale, a lager, pilsner, stout, bitters, cream ale or iced beer.”

“I want a regular beer!”

“I see. Would you prefer foreign or domestic?”

“I don't want some fereign beer. I want a real beer!”

“Yes. Well, we have several to choose from. Our bar is stocked with a vast assortment of domestic brews.”

“Whatcha got?”

“Ahem... We have the following: Black Label, Budweiser, Busch, Cat's Piddle, Coors, Genesee, Iron City, Keystone, Killians Red, Koch's, Lionshead, Michelob, Miller, Milwaukees Best, Old Horse Piss, Old Milwaukee, Old Style, Pabst, Red Dog, Red Dog Urine, Schaefer, Schitts, Schlitz, Schmidts, Stoney's, Straub Dark, and Stroh's. “

“How about a Bud?”

“Do you care for any particular type?

“Huh?”

“Sir, we have Budweiser American Ale, Bud Dry, Bud Ice, Bud Light, Bud Light Golden Wheat, Bud Light Lime, Bud Select and Bud Select 55.”

“I want a regular damned Bud!”

“And you madame?”

“I'll have the same.”

“Very good. I will get your orders in straight away.”

And now for something completely different...

It’s the book sensation that swept the world, and now it’s coming to a theater near you. The story of a young boy who has special powers; and whois sent away to a school for other gifted children like himself.

Once at the Hoggnutt’s School for Gifted Heads, Professor Fondledork, the ancient head of the school, notices this young boy and decided to take him under his wing... To teach the young lad all about his special powers.

"Professor?"

"Yes Harry?"

"I realize that you are older and wiser, and that you’re trying to teach me things that I do not know..."

"Yes?"

"Well, why do I have to learn while naked?"

"Why, young Harry, it's to rid yourself of all of the inhibitions that keep you from growing, of course. See this? Now you see that in my hands, you can grow... Oh yes! How you can grow!"

But along the way, the young boy meets his destiny and begins a journey into the unknown world of Cannabis. There, he stumbles upon Ned the Narc, who tries to turn the young boy into a Master Head of the Dark Weed.

"Hey Harry? I bet you didn’t know that I was the one who killed your father?

"And I bet you didn’t know that when you did, I became the head of the household!"

"Meaning?"

"Take a hit of this and tell me who’s higher!"

But the boy, whose destiny was sealed from birth, fights the Dark Master and prevails. And with the assistance of Professor Fondledork, the young man learns a valuable lesson. That when life hands you weeds, roll em up and smoke em.

"Take that, you bad man!"

"Is that all you have to offer, Harry?"

"Well, I do have this!"

"Hey, fire that thing up. I’ll get the roachclip! And I can get some Twinkies, some M&M’s and some beer, too!"

"Cool!"

"Harry?"

"Yes, Professor Fondledork?"

"Was that the Dark Master?"

"Why, yes... Yes it was!"

"I thought so. Take down your trousers, Harry."

"Why, Professor Fondledork?"

"So I can live up to my name, my boy!"

Nineteenth Century Weasel and Ganja Productions presents:

Harry Pothead and His Magic Wand!

"Harry, this wand of yours is so big!"

"Thanks, Professor."

Rated NC-17 for really sick and demented things that might make you go "Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww!"

Coming soon to a theater near you.

This is a paid advertisment:

Honest Charlie Parker’s Real Estate Company is having its annual Wonderful Home Sale.

This is a very homey mobile home nestled in the woods near Cooter Creek.

It has three bedrooms, one bath and is move-in ready. $69,950




This home is absolutely adorable. It is a quaint 3 bedroom, one bath home that needs a woman's touch.










As you can see, the inside is rather spacious despite the external view.












The kitchen was recently remodeled.














The bathroom is large and can accommodate up to 4 person family.














This home can be yours for $99,995.

So come on down to Honest Charlie Parker’s Real Estate Company, Located at Main and 5th in beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait.

Buzzardbait Hosts Major Concert

Somehow you might think that Buzzardbait wouldn’t draw major touring bands, but something strange happened, and the Buzzardbaitapalooza Concert at the Buzzardbait Fairgrounds and Mud Bog Last became a reality last night.

Lousyville was to have put on this major show, but at the last minute, fresh from being told that the concert was to be cancelled due to budgetary problems (lack of ticket sales), the Lousyville Fairgrounds booted the bands to the curb in favor of holding an Extreme Skateboard Competition.

So, the bands and their managers were about to pull up stakes and head out of Lousyville when Ammo County Road Commissioner Oliver Closoff (who was at the Lousyville Fairgrounds on business at the time) suggested that the bands follow him to Buzzardbait. He happened to know that nothing was going on at the Buzzardbait Fairgrounds and Mud Bog last night, and the bands could perform there.

And the rest, as they say, was history.

The concert was promoted on Buzzardbait Radio station, WBZZ. Local DJ and gas station attendant, Ben Gleck, began announcing the big show on his afternoon drive-time show, ‘The Ben Gleck Program.’ By the time the show was over, the crowd has already began flocking to the Fairgrounds and Mud Bog awaiting the beginning of Buzzardbaitapalooza.

Finally, the stage was set up and the lights went off. The crowd began cheering (someone mentioned free Schitts Beer and that made them cheer even louder) when Oliver Closoff stepped on stage and declared Buzzardbaitapalooza was officially beginning. He then proceeded to introduce the opening band.

The opening act, Harry Derriere and the Hirsute Hound Dogs, put on a ear-bleeding 45 minute set that was full of energy. With the band playing their complete repertoire in 30 minutes, they began playing other peoples music, some of which the crowd actually had heard of.

After their set ended and the stage reset for the next act, Oliver Closoff returned to the stage and issued the statement that Schitts Beer was going to be given away for free, but it would cost $5 for each of the tickets to obtain the free beer, limit one ticket per beer. The crowd immediately moved to the ticket window and shelled out the money for the free beer tickets. An estimated 4,500 tickets were purchased by the 300 people attending the show.

As the crowd drank and began loosening up, Oliver closoff introduced the next act. When Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molekats stepped up on stage, the crowd went wild. Sammy and the band, who have appeared in Buzzardbait on numerous occasions, put on their usual show. As usual, Sammy’s singing was off-key, and the band was a beat behind the drummer (who looked to be so stoned that he was propped up on the drummers throne with a broom handle). Other than that, the show was pretty much their standard fare. They played both of their hits, and most of the other songs that have filled their five CD’s (which can be found at Buzzardbait Music Store and Instrument Rentals, located at 5th and Main in downtown Buzzardbait).

Their hour long set ended on a high note as Sammy mooned the audience and declared herself the Queen of Rock n Roll. Then she proceeded to jump off of the stage into the crowd. Apparently the crowd wasn’t aware that they were to catch her and do the mosh pit thing. They let her drop to the ground like a brick. The good news is that she will be out of the hospital by tomorrow, but the broken bones will postpone the remainder of their North American Tour of Central Kentucky for several weeks.

Next up was a veteran rock warriors, Tarnished Plastic. Their heavy metal show was marred early on when half the light rigging dropped to the stage, crushing their keyboard player, Shorty Long. After the lights were hoisted back into place, and Shorty was checked out by the local EMT’s, the show went on. Shorty, grimacing in pain and bleeding profusely for most of the remainder of the show, managed to show off his talents at the keyboards by playing chopsticks with his nose while pulling out a piece of twisted metal from his head. Afterwards, he was bandaged up and autographed the metal fragment, tossing it out to an adoring fan.

After the stage was reset, the next act was introduced. Peter Pimple and The Zits haven’t toured in several years, but are currently in the midst of a reunion tour. Peter Pimple, who looks to be in his late 60's, screamed out that he was ready to rock and roll. No sooner than he said that, the band woke up and began playing. The Zits, all of whom also look to be in their late 60's, managed to rock the crowd until the bass players angina began acting up. The lead guitarist, who has severe arthritis, had to stop several time during his guitar solo to take some pain meds. The drummer, who looked every bit as healthy as the rest of the band, had to stop several times during the set to go to the bathroom. Peter Pimple, who no longer has acne but his face is severely disfigured by the scarring, huffed and said that he was kind of tired and needed a nap. The fifteen minute set wrapped up when Peter Pimple and the Zits rode off the stage on their Hover-Rounds.

And that left one last act. And he is also no stranger to Buzzardbait’s music scene.

Milo Days walked on stage to the delight of the cheering crowd and proceeded to guzzle a fifth of Dingleberry Wine before playing a note. He started his set with his signature song, ‘Dat Girl has Got’s Some Fine Breastessess Blues.’ After the first song, he drank another fifth of wine. In fact, in between each song he played, he chugged another fifth of Dingleberry Wine. After his fourth song, ‘I’s be Peeping Thru da Hole in da Wall Blues’ Milo passed out. He was carried offstage and the lights went up.

And with that, Buzzardbaitapalooza ended. Oliver Closoff, who made it all possible, was said to be thinking about retiring from the County Road Commissioner post and going into concert promotions. After witnessing this wonderful show, he may have a future in it too!

Local residents picket new restaurant.

The Church of Jose the Semi-Righteous in Downtown Poon Point went on the warpath when the new Big Dick’s Hot Dog Stand opened for business last week. Ever since then, the church members have walked a picket line in front of the restaurant, claiming the eatery is selling sex as well as hot dogs.

Owner, Richard ‘Dick’ Sathrobbin, shook his head and laughed during the interview. “How can anyone be offended by my hot dogs?” He pointed out the menu and said, “I mean, come on, The Little Wiener and the Big Dick Special are not what you’d call obscene! “

But other menu items include: The Big Dick and Balls (a Polish Sausage with two Italian meatballs served on the side), The Big Dick and Puss (The aforementioned Polish sausage and Catfish) and the house special, The John Holmes (a sixteen inch sausage smothered in onions and cheese). Other items include a large vanilla protein drink called the Big Dick Swallow. And then there’s the small chocolate shake called the Big Dick Mocha Ejaculate! Mr. Sathrobbin did say, “The only menu item I could saw that might offend these zealots would be the deep fried rabbit in a baked crust, known as the Hare Pie.”

The last restaurant that occupied the current location of Big Dick’s Hot Dog Stand was the old Phurr’s Restaurant, home of the Phurr-Burger! The Church of Jose the Semi-Righteous also picketed the establishment until it closed for good back in 1997. It reopened a week later in Buzzardbait and has been doing a good business ever since.

And in Sports:


LaBamba LaDouche, semi-retired pro wrestler and Hooter Heights resident, announced today the she was getting back into the ring once again to wrestle Mistress Irma Floppinpillows during Wrestlingmania 46. The big event will be held on July 19th at the Buzzardbait Arena and Flea Market.

Also on the card that night will be Big John Studmuffin vs. Smitty The Swampdweller, the Fabulous Taco Brothers in a grudge match vs. Larry ‘The Wanghammer’ Butski and Bruno Hockaloogy. Other matches include a 12-man Battle Royale and Texas Tornado Death match featuring Johnny ‘The Queen’ Honcho and 'Pretty Boy' Nick Glare. A Texas Tornado Death Match is a no-hold’s barred, fight to the finish with a ten minute time limit.

Tickets are going on sale next week!

A Special Edition of The Curious Urinal

Local Residents Celebrate 4th of July

Here we are once again. It’s the July Fourth weekend, and local residents are celebrating in the usual ways. People are preparing to cook out, making those last minute runs to the store for buns, or ice. Children are running around Buzzardbait Park carrying sparklers, and anticipating larger fireworks later in the evening. Some are heading out to the lake to fish, while others are heading out to visit friends or family.

But one of the residents of Buzzardbait is celebrating the holiday the same way he celebrates every day. He has to be the most patriotic resident in town.

His name is Wilber Oltymer, and when I saw him, he had just raised the Stars and Strips in front of his humble home. I walked up and asked him what his plans were for the Fourth. He gave me a curious smile and said, “You know, people can celebrate the day in a lot of ways, but most people never remember what the holiday is really all about.”

He led me to the front porch and we sat as he began, “Our forefathers brought forth to this continent a new nation, sacrificing their fortunes, their good names and their sacred honor, and in many cases their lives, to establish America - the greatest nation on the face of the earth.” He sipped at a glass of lemonade and pointed toward the flagpole. "You see the flagpole there? I put that up after I moved back home. I was fresh out of the Marines, where I did three tours of duty in Vietnam. I came home and had to take care of my parents. Now there were two patriotic people. My father served in World War Two. He won the Purple Heart and the Bronze Star. He rescued several of his fellow troops while they were taking out a Nazi machine gun bunker. My father was shot thirteen times in the process of rescuing his brothers in arms.”

“My mother was a nurse at a MASH unit. She tended to his wounds and they discovered that they were from the same area. After the war, they moved here and got married, and had me a year later. Things were a lot simpler back in those days. You could live the American Dream and not have too many problems. Of course that was a different time.” He said, “When they passed away, I took this house and put that flagpole up. It was my way of honoring their service to the nation and in honor of them as my parents.”

He again looked at the flag and said, “You know, nowadays, too many people take this country for granted. Some protest it and call it names. Some just use it and drain it dry. Some people apologize for its arrogance; bowing down to foreign leaders. Then you have those that would do harm to America. Those fools that would love to change it into something else, or simply see it die. Those people who hate America and want to change it or destroy it had better beware. Because there are still people, like me, who will fight for her. Those that would sacrifice there fortunes, their good names and their sacred honor to defend her. And yes, those that would die for her. You see that with every person that puts on the uniform of the Armed Forces. They love this country, just like I do!” He added, “And I will gladly fight for my country again to make sure that those who would do America harm would not prevail!”

He glanced back up to the flag, fluttering gently in the simmer breeze and sighed. “My wife had gone to New York to visit some family back in September of 2001. And her sister had taken her to the World Trade Center to tour it. That was on 9/11. They never made it out of Building One after the plane hit it.” He stopped a moment and wiped a stray tear away. “My sons, Charlie and Andy were fresh out of high school and were about to start college. They decided to join the military instead. They volunteered to go to Iraq and Afghanistan instead. Charlie was in Bagdad when a roadside bomb blew his Humvee to bits. Andy is still in Afghanistan, trying to help liberate that nation. I’m very proud of them all.”

He stood up and shook my hand as he fought back his tears. He thanked me for listening, and walked inside of the house.

As I walked off the front porch, I looked up at the flag and smiled. America may have its problems, but it is still the Greatest Nation on the face of the Earth! And for those of us who were lucky enough to have been born here, or for those that immigrated here to become citizens, we should all be thankful that we live here, in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave!

Happy 4th of July. God Bless America!

Big things happening at the zoo!

The Buzzardbait Zoo is open, and boy what a difference a year makes. Last season, the zoo hardly got any traffic. But this year, the people are coming out in droves.

Why, you ask?

Wally World has opened a small Super-Duper Store inside of the Zoo. Store Manager, Anita Whoopin, said that it made sense to construct the Super-Duper Store inside of the zoo, so that patrons of both could enjoy both the shopping experience and the zoo animals at the same time.

Here are some of the pics or staff photographer, Juan Motyme, took of the festivities.









This baby is enjoying himself at the zoo.













This little girl won a big prize at the 'Sex Life Under the Seas' game booth.













Dad looks on as one of his beloved children rides the Tilt and Hurl Ride in the 'African Safari' exhibit.








Inside the Wally World, Mom and child enjoy great bargains and together time.










This little boy is getting his picture made inside the Wally World Picture Studio. Linda the Lioness seems to be taking it all in stride.













Dad and daughter end a happy day at the zoo, heading out to have dinner at the Exotic Steakhouse across the parking lot.

Local Establishment Tries Out New Format

For years, the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub have tried to keep up with the latest trends. They were first in the area to sell Pet Rocks. Although the rocks tended to be tossed at the lame Country/Western singers that appeared on the weekends back in the day. Then there was Disco Dancing. The Pool tables all had to be re-felted most every week. Then there was Roller Boogie, but the space was too small for roller skating and the plate glass windows had to be replaces too often.

And then came Karaoke.

Now, Karaoke is being added to, as owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger try out the latest craze that's sweeping the nation... Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing.

Considered an extreme sport, Flip Flop Dancing has fast becoming both a fantastic dancing style and a dangerous sport to participate in. The constant tripping and falling is compounded by the drinking and Karaoke Singing. It makes this the most Extreme of Extreme Sports!

Phillip Douschebagger insisted that since their floors are carpeted, except for the dance floor, and around the bar area, the danger of falls are lessened to a degree, but those that choose to participate in this dangerous sport are asked to sign waivers as not to sue the establishment if the participants get injured during the course of their participation.

So, this reporter decided to stop in this past Saturday night to witness first-hand the craze called Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing. After ordering a bucket of beers (Schitts, of course), I sat at a nearby table and watched as the fun began.

First up was Phillip Douschebagger, the owner. He wanted to demonstrate how this new craze worked. He had been drinking since noon, so he was primed to show-off his talents. After beginning to belt-out 'Drinking White Lightning' by Jonas George, he began dancing about in his flip flops. After just a few steps, Mr. Douschebagger began to falter. He tripped, falling head-first into the table nearest the stage and split his skull. As blood gushed from the wound, the crowd applauded respectfully.

After being carried out by EMS (who are on site the entire time during Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing Nights), Erma Clappgiver came up and began singing 'Hey, Help Me I've Fallin' (and can't reach my beer)' by Patsy Clunk. After only three bars of the song, she stepped on her own foot, twisted around and fell into the speakers. As she lay bleeding (with a mild electrical shock to boot), EMS hauled her away, tending to her wounds.

After the speakers were reset. the next contestant came up. It was Erma Buktoof. She is fresh out of jail for the melee the Pool Hall endured a couple of months ago (see 4/28/2010 edition) and ready for some fun. She began singing a Lady Gagme song entitled, 'I Luvs Me Some Prison Bitch' when her date (Lorna Muffdiver, whom she met in jail) began a table dance. Distracted by this, Erma Buktoof stepped on her own flip flop. She pitched forward, her head going between Lorna Muffdiver's legs, knocking her off the table and onto the adjacent table. The tables occupants were members of the Buzzardbait Bad Ass Bikers Club.

A fight soon ensued.

Carefully grabbing my bucket of Schitts beers, I stepped away from the fracas before I became involved.

Johnny “Big Pole” Johnson was the first to react. He grabbed Erma Buktoof by the hair and slung her into the wall. Lorna Muffdiver quickly reached for a beer bottle and crowned “Big Pole” Johnson in the head, sending him sprawling onto the next table. That table was occupied by a group of nuns from Our Lady of Perpetual Agony at St. Buffy's Church over in Hooter Heights. They had dropped by to witness the event and have a few Schitts Beers. The nuns quickly began clubbing the remaining bikers in the heads with chairs and the police were called to break up the fight.

Meanwhile, Vickie Douschebagger tried to get the crowd to stop fighting by getting up and singing 'The Night They Drove Dixie Down to the Bus Station' By Montana Ernie Snuff. She was immediately tackled by Vonda Lukatmytush for the fact that she had planned on singing the very same song later. Jack Midick, in the meantime, reached behind the bar and grabbed a whiskey bottle and hit Roscoe Harritung across the back of his head for no apparent reason. The police arrived soon after and began hauling away the brawlers. That left me and Ivana Jercoff, who had been in the bathroom the entire time, with a bad case of the squirts.

Seeing that we were the only two left in the Pool Hall/Pub, we proceeded to tidy up the place. After cleaning up the blood, the broken glass and emptying the ashtrays, we locked the joint up; taking a few bottles of Schitts Beers with us for our troubles. Later, we ended up in a motel in Lousyville, drinking the Schitts Beers and trying out sexual positions we saw while watching pay-per-view porno. She then went home, and I did the same.

Thus ends another night of fun at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub.

Medical update:

Phillip Douschebagger received 470 stitches to the head and is currently in a coma at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center.

Erma Clappgiver was treated and released for a mild electrocution and second degree burns to her tushy.

Johnny “Big Pole” Johnson and the rest of the Buzzardbait Bad Ass Bikers Club are currently in the ICU of the Lousyville General Hospital for various injuries sustained in the brawl with the nuns.

Police Report:

Erma Buktoof and Lorna Muffdiver are both back behind bars for inciting a riot, a misdemeanor, and will face Judge Hugh Harshly Thursday morning for their bail hearing.

THIS WEEK IN MUSIC...

A sampling of some of the CD's hitting the Buzzardbait Music store this week.


The Baddest Blues-man from Buzzardbait is at it again. Milo Days just released his 57th album in 10 years, entitled: This is da Blues, Baby! It consist of 18 tracks that are guaranteed to have you drinkin' and bluesin' just like old Milo. The title song, This is da Blues, Baby is probably the best Milo has done since his first CD, I gots Dem I needs Sum Money Blues!




Also new in stores this week Is Lil Pimperoo's debut CD, Bitches and Hocakes. For those of you who like your music Hip-hopped, this will fill the bill. The title song, Bitches and Hocakes is good, but the second track, Let's Butcher Whitey and Feed him to da Dawgs is pure Lil Pimperoo!





Country Boys On Dope has released their second CD, The Bar I Grew Up In! This is the follow-up to last year's debut CD, I Missed The Bus. 'The Bar I Grew Up In' is a bittersweet Country song that reminds me of my days in the bar I grew up in. The rest of the CD is pretty much crap, but if you're drinking, you won't notice.



Foreign Models, the Japanese girl band releases their Latest CD called, I Gotta Go NOW! It's a techno-lovers dream, and if you understand Japanese, you might understand the lyrics too!









Justin Biejerk releases his latest pre-teen (Pwetween)CD, Daddy's Little Girls. Honestly, I hated this CD. I thought the entire thing was a waste of valuable time, money and effort. Justin should grow some pubes before trying to sing about crap he has yet to experience!





Just when I thought modern music was dead, someone comes along and proves me right. The Tailgaters, Are you following me? is by far, the worst CD I have even had the displeasure of listening to. All 9 tracks have the same beat, monotonous vocals, and some guy who thinks beating the guitar with a hammer constitutes playing. The record label obviously consists of tone deaf, money-wasting idiots. I predict this one will be on the clearance racks in a week!



Now here's a country artists that knows how to sell a CD. Tammy Whynott's latest, Don't Come Home a Drinkin' With Tuna on Your Breath! is pure country at it's absolute finest. Ms. Whynott's voice is as good as ever. She sounds like a woman who smokes three packs of Camels a day and chugs at least a case of beer before each recording session. A great choice if you're in the market for forgettable music!


And finally, Anita Blojobb's Comedy CD hits the stores this week. The CD, Wrap Your Lips Around This! is about as funny as her last CD, but not as good as her first, which wasn't all that good to begin with. This woman needs to go back into retail and STFU!

Quote of the day:

“Kids are like any other group of people a few winners, a whole lot of losers! This country is filled with loser kids who simply aren't going anywhere! You can't save them all. You can't do it. You gotta let 'em go, you gotta cut 'em loose; you gotta stop over-protecting them, because your making 'em too soft. For one thing, there's too much emphasis on safety and safety equipment: childproof medicine bottles, fireproof pajamas, child restraints, car seats. And helmets! Bicycle, baseball, skateboard, scooter helmets. And I also know that all you boring single dads and working moms, who think you're such heros, aren't gonna like this, but somebody's gotta tell you, your children are overrated and overvalued, and you've turned them into little cult objects. What ever happened to natural selection, survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn't grow up to have kids of his own. Simple stuff. Nature knows best!”

George Carlin

Letters to the Editor

Dear Sirs/Madame's,
In a recent article, you mentioned that Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center was hiring for a position in shrubbery. Did I misunderstand? I went to apply for the position, yet they said that they were not hiring. Mark Mudflap, Poon Point, KY.

Mark,
The article read, “Henry Hyrum, a patient at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, was arrested for trying to perform a sex act with the shrubbery at the Lawn Care portion of the business. The position he was trying to use is now being called the Hyrum Hump by the Buzzardbait Police Department.” Sorry if this caused you any undo trouble in your job search.

Dear Editor,
I was interested in a delivery route job with the Curious Urinal. To whom do I speak with in Human Resources to secure an interview?
Justen Sloth, Big Mounds, KY.

Jutsen,
We are an “Online Newspaper” and not a print newspaper. It would be hard to deliver the “Online Newspaper” into a paper box. Maybe you should invest in some further education before you go off trying to secure a job. Buzzardbait University has classes in basket weaving and lawn ornament painting that you might look into.

Mr. Editor,
You seem to have a vast knowledge of all things Buzzardbait. But I bet you didn't know that Buzzardbait wasn't the original name of the town. What was the original name, if your so danged smart?
Arthur Aspwiper, Hooter Heights, KY

Arthur,
The original name for Buzzardbait was Vulture Vomit, but some old twit decided that she didn't like the word Vomit used in connection to the name, thus Buzzardbait became the new name of the town! And since the story just came out yesterday, I'm sure that you read it and decided that you could outsmart me. You must know that I am all-powerful, all-seeing, omnipotent and one hell of a horizontal dancer!

Hey Editor,
I came across an article about something that I'm not sure what it means. Can you tell me why this might be the case? And if so, what can be done about it?
Bill Farnswaggler, Aureole Acres, KY

Hey Bill... Huh?

Sirs,
In regard to the previous letter: What the hell was he even talking about?
I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights, KY.

I.M., I wish I knew.

To the Editor,
Yesterday I took a crap on your paper. It was the best thing I have seen coming from your rag in a very long time!
Name withheld by request, Lousyville, KY.

At least you're paper trained... Oh, btw, Can you see your computer screen now?

Sirs,
I recently read the article about the Buzzardbait Zoo acquiring new attractions. I was the person who located the Meerkat. To correct your obvious attempt at making me out to be some animal hater, I did not shoot the thing with a pellet gun... It was buckshot! Secondly, I did put the animal in a bag, but I did not use a baseball bat on it to “calm it down” as you suggested. I used the butt end of the shotgun to whip the shit out of that thing! It's obvious that your reporter was suggesting that I would hurt the animal just because I could. The reality was that I hurt the animal because it looked like my ex-wife's mother when she came out of the bathroom after a prolonged squat on the throne. I had a flashback and grabbed my shotgun because of that, nothing more. Please, in the future, get your facts straight!
“Greasy” Louis Oozenoil, Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes, Buzzardbait, KY.

Sorry about that, Louie

Send your letters to us and you may see your letter published.

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Penguin Balls are a trademark of Consolidated Cybernetics Corp. of America (CCCofA) LLC, Buzzardbait, KY.

A special report from The Curious Urinal

Buzzardbait - The Untold Story.

Every child in Ammo County schools has been taught the story of the founding fathers of Buzzardbait... Or so we thought. Now, after major research into the founding of Buzzardbait and surrounding Ammo County, we can reveal the untold story of Buzzardbait.

It was May, 1810. The weather was hot, and the tempers hotter as Tyrus Piddleplop and George Widdledik of Boston decided to head west to explore the vast unknown. Somewhere around Indiana, the pair ended up losing their compass and headed south. The two swam across the mighty Ohio River (nearly drowning) and ended up on the banks of the river at Lousyville.

They were immediately rolled for change and a pair of boots by a gang of mutant children in Lousyville. Almost fifteen minutes later, they were chased out of town by the police. Seeing no one could understand their thick Bostonian accent, they were mistaken as gypsies. They were unceremoniously piled into a gut wagon and escorted to the city limits, where they were tossed out of the gut wagon and had to make it on foot from there..

Seeing the town of Lousyville was not a fit place to be, Piddleplop and Widdledik began walking in the hot sun, covered with guts and river mud. Smelling like two wet gut piles themselves, they walked for two days until they happened upon a creek. They jumped into the water to bathe themselves and when they left the water, they are purported to have said, “Now that’s a Stinking Creek!” And the name stuck. They looked around and decided that this was a far west as they would dare go. Seeing how the town of Lousyville was hostile, they could only imagine how much worse it would be if they ventured onward.

There were trees and water, and a fair amount of game in the wilderness, so Piddleplop and Widdledik decided to settle the untamed wilderness. Seeing that they had to come up with a suitable name for their new town, each wrote down their ideas and met to compare what they had come up with. Many suggestions were made by each, and all were rejected by the other. The story is officially that Widdledik said to Piddleplop, “This place reminds me of a buzzards roost!”

But documents have been uncovered that suggest that it was indeed Piddleplop saying to Widdledik, “Look, that vulture's vomiting!”

So they agreed to name the town Vulture Vomit.

It so happened that the pair painted a sign that read Welcome to Vulture Vomit and posted it at the city limits. Of course there was no city then, just a coon skin lean-to and a campfire. Several days went by when a wagon load of harlots came passing by and a woman by the name of Nellie Dinkletwit commented, “I hate the name of this town!”

It was Tyrus Piddleplop who looked upon the woman, a homely woman with a wart on her nose and a droopy eye, and said, “Well, you look like buzzard bait to me!”

George Widdledik had an idea and went to repaint the sign: Welcome to Buzzardbait!

Some of the harlots decided to remain in Buzzardbait, and were eaten by the local wildlife. The only survivor was Nellie Dinkletwit. The animals, it seemed, thought she was too ugly to consume and left her alone. She walked nearly an hour until she returned to Buzzardbait and became chummy with Tyrus Piddleplop. Later that afternoon, Piddleplop married the homely madam of the harlots.

That was when Harlan Zuckerphuk, who hauled Glop Beer from nearby Lousyville, came across the little burg called Buzzardbait and suggested the town needed a saloon for wayward travelers. George and Tyrus slaved daily for nearly two days until they had erected a log building with a sign upon the door: Buzzardbait Inn and Saloon. And that was when Piddleplop and his new bride set up the towns first brothel. Seeing that she was the only woman in town at that point, she was very busy.


It was then that a man came wandering into town with no shoes and a thick New York accent. His name was Carmine O’Tinkler. He had been run out of Lousyville two days before because he reminded the police of someone that pissed them off. Immediately Tyrus Piddleplop hired him as the bartender for the Saloon. The following day, Abner Schitts came rolling into town on a beer wagon, where he sold his entire inventory of Piss Beer to the saloon.

At the same time, the rest of the harlots returned to town on their wagon and Madam Nellie Dinkletwit suggested that she let the girls occupy the upstairs rooms and cut George Widdledik and Tyrus Piddleplop in on the action. Besides, Madam Nellie needed the rest. So, the Brothel/Inn was very busy as people from all over the area began flocking to Buzzardbait for the cheap hookers and the beer.

Carmine O’Tinkler and one of the ladies of the brothel, Zula Baggchomper, decided to get married after a whirlwind three day courtship.

Tyrus and Nellie Piddleplop, both yearning for a better life, moved to what is now known as Poon Point and started a Tobacco-flavored Cumquat farm.

George Widdledik then hooked up with another of the ladies, Wilma Dorkhumpper and left to open a free range chicken farm in Arkansas. They never returned to Buzzardbait.

A stranger on a horse by the name of Horace Limpwiggler, stayed at the inn overnight and ended up marrying on of the ladies of the brothel, a big-boobed woman named Carla Winkerdink. The stranger and his new bride settled south of Buzzardbait in what is now known as Hooter Heights. The horse, Horace Limpwiggler, became the star of the Wingding Brothers Circus and went on to appear in the very first western movie, ‘A Fistful of Something Gooey.’

Abner Schitts continued to run beer from Lousyville to Buzzardbait, but later retired and married one of the ladies of the brothel, Lily Whiterump. They started a Lemon Beet farm in what’s now known as Aureole Acres.

That left the last of the ladies of the brothel, Wanda Hormeister. She ran the brothel by hand until she could locate more girls to work there. But at the same time, she married Carmine O’Tinkler, who appointed himself mayor. They also started the Buzzardbait Livery Stable and Feed Store; the Buzzardait Bank and Bathhouse and the Buzzardbait Barber Shop and Dentist Office.

But that was when tragedy came to Buzzardbait. The town was invaded by a vile villain vexing the vibrant village. His name was Texas Rex Beaver. He rode into town and raped all the men and shot all the horses. The women, as the research shows, were often the target of his anger. He would throw horse manure at them and taunt them for wearing frilly undergarments. Obviously Texas Rex Beaver had issues.

But a lawman soon rode into town. Marshall Roscoe Clappgiver was trailing Texas Rex Beaver and there was a gunfight on Main Street three days thereafter. Beaver was gunned down and buried out in the wilderness in what is now known as Beaver Lick. Marshall Clappgiver was offered the job as town sheriff and began setting up what is now the Buzzardbait Police Department.

And that beats the official story that has been taught to the children in school. The painstaking three days of research trumps the official story that Piddleplop and Widdledik settled Buzzardbait and later shipped out to fight the Indians at Fort Knox, or the alternative version that had the pair mining for gold in the Klondike and becoming major player at the Battle of the Wounded Elbow when Canada invaded Sweden back in 1851.

So now you know the real story of Buzzardbait, Kentucky. Don’t you feel better?

A paid advertisement:

He has swam the Amazon River in search of lost civilizations.

He has raced cars in Monte Carlo, just to prove to himself he could.

He has climbed mighty mountains, just to watch the sunset.

He adorned a matador's outfit and stepped in the ring with El Toro Diablo, the meanest bull south of the border...

And that's where he screwed up!



He doesn’t always drink beer,... But now, when he does, it will be through an IV.

Tres Equis... Stay thirsty, and away from the bull, my friends.


XXX Tres Equis. © Buzzardbait Brewery and Sludge Pond, Buzzardbait, KY

And you thought my stuff was weird... Check these actual headlines out!

Primary Election Results from Ammo County Elections Board

The is a special Saturday update from The Curious Urinal


With both precincts closed at 7 p.m. Tuesday night, the vote counting began for Erma Stufenballot, Director of Voter Registration at the Ammo County Courthouse and Corn Dog Stand.

With a record number of votes to be counted, the tallying took nearly 4 days. But finally they are counted and here are the verified primary election results.

Republican County Road Commissioner Oliver Closoff defeated newcomer Billy “Boot to the Head” Kluben with the vote tally being 36 votes for Closoff - 6 for Kluben.

Democrat Carrie Lisp barely defeated her twin brother, Craig Lisp in the battle for the County Road Commissioner post. Even their parents voted along party lines and chose to vote for the Republican Oliver Closoff, stating, “Neither of those kids are worth shooting. I wouldn’t vote for them to be County Dogcatcher, much less taking care of the roads. Hell, they never could keep their rooms straight! How can you trust them to do anything else right?”

So now, Carrie Lisp will take Oliver Closoff on in the November election.

For Traffic Commissioner, Parker Oberdar won his bid to defeat current Traffic Commissioner Vernon Jeliphish, 30 - 16. Now Oberdar will run unopposed in the November election.

Buzzardbait’s Mayor for Life, Democrat Gerald Aberhamsterson won a hard fought race against Howard D. Ucklebalm 32 - 21 Aberhamsterson was thinking about dropping out of the race to pursue a career in the ministry, but decided that if he couldn’t be a god, he’d continue to be mayor.

The Republican race for Mayor was won by “Big” Willy Wanghamer, who defeated Charlie Haus, although the vote was tied at 10 each. The two decided to arm-wrestle, with the winner to be the declared winner. Wanghamer, a retired professional wrestler, pinned Haus’ arm in three seconds, then body-slammed Haus, got him in a step-over toe hold and won the race with that submission hold.

So it will be Aberhamsterson vs. Wanghamer in a no holds barred battle royal come November.

State Senator for Ammo County, (D)Mandrake Cashferme, ran unopposed and still lost to None of the Above 47- 0. A run-off election will have to be held to fill the seat. Senator Cashferme is said to be demanding a recount.

On the Republican ticket, Wendell Wadsworth overcame a close challenge from Dino D. Boinker with a final count of 16 - 4. Wadsworth will square off against None of the Above if it is declared the winner of the Run-off election.

Congressman for the 69th Precinct, (D)Betsy Filsumup won a hard fought race against Phillip Groinful. Groinful, a Hooter Heights businessman, spent nearly $600 on his race and still lost to Filsumup, who just spent $50 and bought a case of beer to defeat her challenger.

In the Republican Race for congress, Elam Lawless lost to Tea Party favorite (L) Elmer ‘The Talking’ Broom. The vote was 41 - 3.

Filsumup and Broom will now do battle. Broom says he wants to be the one to head to Washington to sweep through congress and clean things up..

For the office of School Board President, Shirley Yejest lost her seat to Maggie Muckraker, who ran on the promise of education reform by a margin of 37 - 1. Mrs. Yejest is now said to be mulling over a run for statewide office since she received no help from Ammo County Teachers after she told them that if they voted for anyone else, she would personally rip their heads off and shit down their necks. All of the teachers apparently decided not to vote at all. And speaking with her husband, he said he had abstained from voting in the primary due to being away on business (delivering a fresh load of beer to Big Al’s Titty Emporium).

Judge Hugh Harshly won another term as Judge Magistrate. He was opposed by Local Lawyer Sidney Suem of the Findham, Skrewem and Suem Law Firm. The vote count was 32- 6.

There were no Democrats who wished to oppose Judge Hugh Harshly in November.

The November Elections will be held in November, oddly enough.

Monday 5/22

Candidate Faux Pas sends media into frenzy

Over the past few days, controversy has surrounded Elmer ‘The Talking’ Broom. A month ago, the Lousyville newspaper did an interview with him and asked the candidate about the Civil Rights Act of 1964. The Lousyvilly newspaper sat on the story until after the election results were final. Then they released the story and caused a firestorm in the mainstream media.

Now, in an exclusive interview, The Curious Urinal will ask Elmer 'The Talking' Broom about this media feeding frenzy he had found himself in.

Curious Urinal (CU): So, what lessons have you learned since winning the primary last Tuesday?

Elmer Broom (E.B.): Not to talk to Lousyville reporters for one thing. (laughter) But seriously, I know that words matter, and sometimes people take things you say out of proportion.

CU: So, what exactly are your views on the CRA (Civil Rights Act) of '64?

E.B: Exactly what they have always been.

CU: And that would be?

E.B.: I have clearly stated that I wholeheartedly rejoice in there being absolutely no discrimination. In face, I rejoice that discrimination is something that is long gone from the social make-up of this wonderful country!

CU: Really? I thought that there was still discrimination all over America today.

E.B.: Where?

CU: Well, just last week, a local man named Harley Werken couldn't get a job at Hooterys. All because he didn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top.

E.B.: That sucks! When I'm elected, I'll stop that shit!

CU: Please don't. Have you ever seen Harley Werken? He doesn't look good in anything!

E.B.: But still, I am all for there being no discrimination anywhere, at anytime!

CU: Now onto more important matters...

E.B.: In fact, I can tell you that I will make it a point to fire off legislation to make sure that no one ever gets discriminated at Hooterys ever again!

CU: Okay. Now, if I could ask...

E.B.: This is America, dammit! If Harley Werken wants to work at Hooterys, then By Jenkies I'll push it so that he can, and will get a job there. And he'll be able to live the American dream!

CU: Great. So, on to your stand on...

E.B.: This makes me mad as hell! A poor man who needs a job is discriminated against because he doesn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top is simply not the America I know! How dare those at Hooterys to deny some hard working, unemployed guy a chance to make a decent living! How dare they thumb their noses at someone that obviously wants to work!

CU: Can we move on here? I wanted to ask...

E.B.: I think I'm going to call for a general boycott of all Hooterys in the nation, starting with the one here in Buzzardbait, and...

CU: There isn't a Hooterys in Buzzardbait. That's in Lousyville.

E.B.: Then I'm off to Lousyville to boycott the Hooterys there.

CU: But what about the interview?

E.B.: You'd put your interview above the rights of some poor soul who needs a job and is discriminated against?

CU: Like I said, if you saw Harley Werken, you'd understand why they wouldn't hire him.

E.B.: Discrimination on someones looks is not a valid reason. He could look like a steaming pile of dog vomit and I'd stand up for his rights!

CU: Actually he looks like the end of a hard winter. He's 6'3” and weighs in at all of 88 pounds. He reminds me of an oversized Q-tip that was used and tossed out.

E.B.: (pondering) That bad, huh?

CU: Yes, he's that bad.

E.B.: Screw him then.

CU: Now onto...

E.B. Sorry, I have to run. I have an interview with Diane Sawbones in a couple of minutes and I want to brush my teeth and put on some Musk cologne.

CU: I see. Well, okay then. Thank for your time.

E.B.: And be sure to vote for me come November!

Satan Visits Local Church

The Reverend Larry Satan (pronounced Johnson) will be paying a visit to The Church of Some Guy Named Fred this Sunday for their annual Tent Revival. This Year's tent revival is being called, This Year's Tent Revival, the same as last year. This is mostly due to the fact that they already have the banner sign from last year and hated to waste it.

Among the assorted speakers at this years event will be the Reverend Nemo Cash of the St. Aureole Church in Hooter Heights. And this year, Reverend Fred Fuchbucker is out of jail, so all donations this year will go to keeping the attorney fees paid up so he can stay out of jail.

As you may recall, last year Reverend Fred was being held in the Ammo County Jail on solicitation to have gay sex with a man of Asian decent During this last years Chinese New Years Celebration at Won Hung Lo's House of Sushi and XXX Cinema. Reverend Fred kept insisting that he was not asking the young man for gay sex, but was wanting to order Cream of Sum Yung Gui. The jury found him not guilty and allowed Reverend Fred to return to his church.

The Tent Revival begins at noon Sunday and will run until they decide to end it.

It's Wednesday again, and that means surprise day here at the old Curious Urinal. And just like last week, I'm posting actual products from other countries, and how I think Madison Ave. should promote them here in the good ol' USA!


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Are you looking for a snack that's good for you? Then you need to get some Megapussi! The bite-sized snacks that taste like chicken, but smells like tuna. They're wholesome, delicious and lip-licking good! It comes in a convenient box. Megapussi is the official snack food of The NBA, MLB, NFL and the Ladies PGA.
Megapussi... The name says it all!






When Mr. Brain’s went to San Francisco and asked men what they wanted in a ready to eat meal, most men agreed.... They wanted two Pork Faggots! And Mr. Brain said, "Why have just two when you can have four!" Pork Faggots also come in a traditional Western sauce. It’s thick and creamy, with a hint of salt and sugar for a taste that everyone can swallow down! But what makes Pork Faggots absolutely fabulous is the sauce is whipped up daily, so it’s always fresh! Pork Faggots... Try some for lunch or dinner, or even for a bedtime snack. Pork Faggots... They're not hard to find. Just bend over into the meat case and grab yourself some today!



When you need a toilet paper that is strong, yet soft, look no further than My Fannie! The extra-wide toilet tissue for those big wipers. My Fannie feels so good! And in many decorator styles, My Fannie looks good too! Better than the ordinary wipes, My Fannie takes all you can dish out and still is ready for more. So next time you need something better than ordinary toilet paper, think of My Fannie! It wipes-out the rest!






When your thirst just can’t be quenched by regular colas, there’s only one that taste as good as it looks. Pee Cola. With no artificial colors or flavors, Pee Cola is the only logical choice. If you’re a whiz, then you already know that Pee Cola is bottled at the peak of freshness for that one-of-a-kind flavor. It’s all natural taste is best when drank at room temperature. Hot Pee Cola is good for you, but Cold Pee Cola can hit the spot too! Don’t piss away your money on other carbonated drinks. Don’t piddle around with those other colas. Relieve yourself today... Have a Pee Cola!
It tastes as good as its name!







Got a party tonight and need something that will keep it pumping? Or are you sitting around, watching a movie and need a snack that will keep you feeling good? Then you need to find some Happy Crak! Happy Crak Popcorn will always be the hit of any party. There’s nothing like a Happy Crak to put a smile on your face, or the faces of all of your friends... Even if they get sloppy seconds. Happy Crak Popcorn comes in convenient 12-ounce bags. And there's no need to microwave it. Just work it in your hands and soon your Happy Crak is hot and ready! So pop a little Happy Crak in your mouth and let the party begin!




There are beers, and then there's the beer that tastes as good as you’d expect from a Lager. A beer that will go down smooth and easy, and leaving a nice smile on your face. It may smell like the ass of a bear, but it taste goooood! And if you pour it right, you’ll get good head! What is it? It’s Vergina Premium Lager. Vergina... Always tastes as good as it looks!









After a hard day of exercising, wouldn’t it we nice to replenish those bodily fluids you lose? You don't want a sports drink that will dog you later? You want a sports drink that’s both all natural and completely free of wimpy names that try to make you feel important for drinking it? Then you need to try the latest product from Pet...
New Pet Sweat! Yes, Pet Sweat will quench that thirst like nothing else. Pet Sweat will replenish those lost fluids like nature intended. Don’t get into a lather after a bit of exertion. Don't settle for imitations; Drink Pet Sweat! The official drink of the ASPCA and PETA!



There are toilet papers out there that claim to be soft, absorbent and good for the environment. But no toilet tissue even comes close to our Pillow-soft, 100% recycled - ShitBegone!
ShitBegone...The name say’s it all!










Royco presents the next generation of Japanese cuisine. When you need to fix it fast and hot and you need it now, there is only one choice to make... New and Improved Shito Mix! Made with the finest Shit and O! You'll have a big Shito-eating Grin... Again and again. Shito Mix, made with all natural ingredients, including corn chunks.
Shito Mix... Now you can tell everyone to eat Shito!



And finally,



There are times when you need an insect repellent, and other times when you need a great lubricant. Now, you can have both! Announcing New Wack-Off! It’s Tropical Strength! Used by the Armed Forces when out in the remote jungles, Wack-Off provides you with a proven insect repellent during the day, and doubles as a great lubricant for those lonely nights hanging out in the jungle.
Wack-Off... Wrap your hands around some today!

The Curious Urinal 2/10/2012

Farm Report Shows Good Year Ahead
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Given the recent wonky weather, and the lack of snow this winter, Ammo County Agricultural Commissioner, Seymore Butzman, released the yearly farm report yesterday. According to the report, Tobacco-flavored Cumquat production should exceed last year's crop by nearly 3%. In addition, Lemon Beets and Sodium Vibrofoam crops look to be on the increase for this coming planting season.

Mr. Butzman announced the latest report yesterday in front of a packed crowd of farmers in the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. The sixty or so farmers brought along hoes and picks--- just in case the report wasn't good. A relieved Mr. Butzman remembered the last bad report, when he spent seven days in intensive care at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center. This time the farmers merely grumbled and left peacefully.

Speaking of hoes... Several farmers are upset at the Ammo County Extension Office for what they call 'lack of Farm Hos' in the county.

Amos Verginey, owner of the Verginey Farm, asked at the meeting, “Where are all the good farm hos gone? Right over to Farmville, that's where! I haven't had a decent ho since they [Farmtown County] began offering incentives to the hos to hang out there. This is unacceptable!”

Mr. Butzman replied, “I feel your pain. I haven't had a decent farm ho myself in six months. We're going to look into the matter just as soon as we can figure out how to work the new phone system we had installed!”

On a related note, the Buzzardbait Chamber of Commerce and Laundromat will be holding a meeting on the business outlook for Buzzardbait and Ammo County next Tuesday at the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. All interested business people are asked to attend, but to please refrain from bringing weapons, tomatoes and other messy items to throw, otherwise it will be just like the meeting we had two years ago.

It took three weeks and several hundred dollars to clean up the mess, and patch the assorted bullet holes in the walls and ceilings. Also, whomever brought the cow to the meeting last year is asked to please leave it at home this year. The smell of bovine biomass took weeks to fumigate from the building. In addition, please refrain from spitting on the floor. The carpeting was permanently stained with tobacco juice, fecal matter and mud. The carpeting replacement will cost more than is budgeted for during the next three years, thus it will remain stained until further notice.

Ammo County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Mayor Harley Werken of Buzzardbait shook his head in disgust yesterday when he read the report from the Ammo County Department of Stuff Not Covered By Other Departments. It told the tale of how County Commissioner Hugo Oberdare has misused county funds to advertise the fact that the county was out of money.

“This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ammo County needs to do something drastic to keep tax dollars flowing in, not pouring out. Since most of the residents of Ammo County are either employed by the county, or receiving funds from the county, this report shows me that something may be wrong here!” Mayor Werken then added, “Maybe if we stopped spending $250,000 on advertising, we could spend more on stocking the bar in the mayor's office!”

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Hey Mom... What are you feeding your kids for breakfast?

How about trying Monkey Nuts Cereal Berry and Bourbon Flavor?

It will perk up even the slowest child!

Monkey Nuts Cereal is a product of CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)