Letters to the Editor

Dear Sirs/Madame's,
In a recent article, you mentioned that Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center was hiring for a position in shrubbery. Did I misunderstand? I went to apply for the position, yet they said that they were not hiring. Mark Mudflap, Poon Point, KY.

Mark,
The article read, “Henry Hyrum, a patient at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, was arrested for trying to perform a sex act with the shrubbery at the Lawn Care portion of the business. The position he was trying to use is now being called the Hyrum Hump by the Buzzardbait Police Department.” Sorry if this caused you any undo trouble in your job search.

Dear Editor,
I was interested in a delivery route job with the Curious Urinal. To whom do I speak with in Human Resources to secure an interview?
Justen Sloth, Big Mounds, KY.

Jutsen,
We are an “Online Newspaper” and not a print newspaper. It would be hard to deliver the “Online Newspaper” into a paper box. Maybe you should invest in some further education before you go off trying to secure a job. Buzzardbait University has classes in basket weaving and lawn ornament painting that you might look into.

Mr. Editor,
You seem to have a vast knowledge of all things Buzzardbait. But I bet you didn't know that Buzzardbait wasn't the original name of the town. What was the original name, if your so danged smart?
Arthur Aspwiper, Hooter Heights, KY

Arthur,
The original name for Buzzardbait was Vulture Vomit, but some old twit decided that she didn't like the word Vomit used in connection to the name, thus Buzzardbait became the new name of the town! And since the story just came out yesterday, I'm sure that you read it and decided that you could outsmart me. You must know that I am all-powerful, all-seeing, omnipotent and one hell of a horizontal dancer!

Hey Editor,
I came across an article about something that I'm not sure what it means. Can you tell me why this might be the case? And if so, what can be done about it?
Bill Farnswaggler, Aureole Acres, KY

Hey Bill... Huh?

Sirs,
In regard to the previous letter: What the hell was he even talking about?
I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights, KY.

I.M., I wish I knew.

To the Editor,
Yesterday I took a crap on your paper. It was the best thing I have seen coming from your rag in a very long time!
Name withheld by request, Lousyville, KY.

At least you're paper trained... Oh, btw, Can you see your computer screen now?

Sirs,
I recently read the article about the Buzzardbait Zoo acquiring new attractions. I was the person who located the Meerkat. To correct your obvious attempt at making me out to be some animal hater, I did not shoot the thing with a pellet gun... It was buckshot! Secondly, I did put the animal in a bag, but I did not use a baseball bat on it to “calm it down” as you suggested. I used the butt end of the shotgun to whip the shit out of that thing! It's obvious that your reporter was suggesting that I would hurt the animal just because I could. The reality was that I hurt the animal because it looked like my ex-wife's mother when she came out of the bathroom after a prolonged squat on the throne. I had a flashback and grabbed my shotgun because of that, nothing more. Please, in the future, get your facts straight!
“Greasy” Louis Oozenoil, Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes, Buzzardbait, KY.

Sorry about that, Louie

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