The Curious Urinal Friday 5/27/2011
A Special Memorial Day Weekend Edition

Local Real Estate Firm Hires New Agent

When times are tough, only the tough get going. Anita Mann knows this for a fact. When she first started in the real estate game, she understood that when times are good, they're very good, but when times are bad, the toughest hang in there when the rest go off to other career's.

When Buzzardbait Realtors found the lean times come upon them, they struggled as agent after agent left the business in search of a steady paycheck. But after two years of down markets and no paychecks, they found Anita Mann.

You may remember Anita Mann from the reality show 'Desperate HouseHo's' on The Phobia Channel a few years back. She was the champion house flipper that could turn a two-room shanty into a $500,000 dream home.

Now, living here in Buzzardbait, she went to Buzzardbait Realtors with a challenge: Hire me or lose your business. They choose to hire her.

She first sold the old McMeany Estate, complete with its hog processing barn and sinkhole full of old car tires and hog bones for the incredible price of $200,000 to Home Improvement Headquarters, INC. They proceeded to build the 50,000 sq, foot mega center full of light bulbs and lumber, putting  both Ben's Light Bulb Co. and Ernie's Lumber Yard out of business in days.

When Home Improvement Headquarters went bankrupt three months later, and after the looting of the building took place, Anita Mann resold the property to Mississippi Food Marts, LLC for $350,000. Mississippi Food Mart then put Buzzardbait Super Market out of business. When the angry crowds burned Mississippi Food Mart to the ground, Anita Mann once again sold the property to Consolidated Cybernetics Cooperation of America for $400,000 and within weeks, the burnt-out shell of the old food mart was revamped into the state of the art Monkey Nuts Cereal Plant, closing the old plant down the road.

Anita Mann then sold that abandoned property to the McMeany Brothers Hog Farm Company for $100,000 and earned a reputation as a wheeler dealer.

Unfortunately, the McMeany Brothers began fighting amongst themselves and the hog farm was turned into a tobacco-flavored cumquat farm that was leased to their father, Old Man McMeany, whom everyone thought to be dead. He currently has 10,000 acres of tobacco-flavored cumquats growing  outside the building once inhabited by Monkey Nuts Cereal and is renting the building out to his sons to live in at $10,000 a month.

As For Anita Mann, she is looking for that next big sale, so if you have a home or business you wish to sell, Anita Mann is looking for you!

Meanwhile, Across The Pond:

President Obama continues to break with tradition and protocol this week as he stumbled through a toast to the Queen of England, while speaking over their National Anthem, God Save the Queen. The queen was not amused and accidentally poured a glass of champagne into the lap of the president. The Secret Service wrestled the queen to the ground and had her arrested for threatening the president.

Later, he had a student arrested for beating him at a game of Ping Pong. But what set him over the top was his drinking beer in Ireland while wearing a Lucky Charms outfit while rapping Danny Boy with the help of DJ Mick.

Asked whether having the president of the United States sitting in their pub made them happy, one Irishman by the name of Patrick O'Mally said, "We're sitting here drinking with that American Chap and he thinks he's cool. Wait till we get him drunk, then we'll take that rap of his and shove it..."

A Secret Service member wrestled the man to the ground and had him arrested for threatening the president.

And now, here's your Horoscopes:

1. ARIES - The Liar
(the Ram - 21 March--19 April)
* Outgoing, usually to a bar or liquor store.
* Lovable, but only to their mama's and they could be lying too.
* Spontaneous, so long as it's planned.
* Not one to mess with, especially with a chainsaw or heavy equipment.
* Funny, especially when they are telling crude bathroom humor to you minister.
* EXCELLENT kisser, but tends to try to tongue kiss your father.
* EXTREMELY adorable, according to them.
* Loves relationships, so long as he/she are paid for their services.
* Addictive, or addicted, whichever comes first.
* Loud, especially when you drop an iron on their foot.

2. TAURUS - The Tramp
(the Bull - 20 April--20 May)
* Aggressive, unless it means they have to break a sweat.
* Loves being in long relationships, especially when the other person is in prison.
* Likes to give a good fight for what they want, most notably at mealtime.
* Extremely outgoing, and also dresses up in frilly lingerie when going to a bar.
* Loves to help people in times of need, unless there's a football game on, then tough titty, kitty.
* Good kisser, especially to the bosses ass.
* Good personality, if you like dull.
* A stubborn but caring person, otherwise known as a well-meaning asshole.
* One of a kind, and thank God for that because two of them would drive you bananas.
* Not one to mess with, especially when they haven't bathed in weeks.
* Usually are the most attractive people... When looking at themselves in a mirror.

3. GEMINI - Irresistible
(the Twins - 21 May--21 June)
* Nice, and usually easy to pick-up in a supermarket.
* Love is one of a kind, but lust lasts a weekend.
* Great listener, as long as it's them talking.
* Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out with a baseball bat if they have to, buddy!
* Trustworthy, except with money, other peoples boy/girlfriends, and church tithing's
* Always happy, especially when stoned.
* Loud in bed.
* Talkative in bed.
* Outgoing in bed.
* VERY Forgiving while in bed.
* Loves to make friends, or make-out with friends in bed.
* Has a beautiful smile, if they actually floss.
* Generous with other people's money.
* Strong odor.
* The irresistible one, according to themselves.

4. CANCER - The Cutie
(the Crab - 22 June--22 July)
* Most AMAZING kisser...Very high sex appeal, especially when drinking cheap wine in the backseat of a '72 Rambler station wagon with tinted windows.
* Love is one of a kind, but lust will do if that's all they can get.
* Very romantic, especially when they're by themselves.
* Most caring person you will ever meet, so long as you don't mind listening to them bitch about their last date, who can be found buried in their backyard.
* Extremely random and proud of it, and don't you forget it, asshole.
* Freak, super freak and freaking freaky freak... Freak out!
* Spontaneous when it's planned six weeks in advance.
* Great at telling stories/lies to cops when pulled over for speeding.
* Not a fighter, but will knock your lights out if it comes down to it, so don't push em!
* Someone you should hold on to and smear peanut butter on.

5. LEO - The Lion
(the Lion - 23 July--22 August)
* Great talker. They can go on and on for hours and say nothing at all.
* Attractive and passionate to blind people and with small furry animals.
* Laid back, usually at work when the boss isn't around.
* Knows how to have fun. Remember that time when they did the pantie raid at the nunnery?
* Is really good at almost anything, except for those things that are important, like most everything.
* Great kisser. Ask them and they'll tell you.
* Unpredictable. Especially when  running naked through the mall, yelling, "Look at me!"* Outgoing, but doesn't like to go out without a posse and plenty of drugs.
* Down to earth, usually after going out with their posse and doing all the drugs.
* Addictive, or addicted to the posse and the drugs.
* Attractive, but not when passed our with vomit and feces all over them after a hard night of binge drinking with the winos down the street.
* Loud, especially when snoring.
* Loves being in long relationships with chipmunks and other small, furry animals.
* Talkative, usually in bed while you're trying to sleep.
* Not one to mess with, because they'll wait till your asleep and then cut off vital sexual organs.
* Rare to find, and a damned good thing to avoid if at all possible.
* Good when found, better when left alone.

6. VIRGO - The One that Waits
(the Virgin - 23 August--22 September)
* Dominant in relationships. Comes complete with whips, chains and leather chaps.
* Someone loves them right now; probably all of your friends, your boss, and the high school football team.
* Always wants the last word. They'll sew your mouth shut in order to get it too!
* Caring, especially about the contents of your wallet.
* Smart, but only when it comes to spending someones money but their own.
* Loud. Like drag racer loud. Annoying as hell. Geez!
* Loyal until someone else comes along.
* Easy to talk to, easy to pick-up at the bar and spend a night at a seedy motel with.
* Everything you ever wanted, so long as you don't want too much.
* Easy to please, so long as you have cash.
* The one and only, and that's a good thing.

7. LIBRA - The Lame One
(the Balance - 23 September--23 October)
* Nice to everyone they meet, especially when being paid to be a greeter at Walmart.
* Their love is one of a kind, but usually three at a time.
* Silly, fun and sweet, and otherwise full of BS.
* Has their own unique sex appeal. They think dressing in dirty underwear and gym socks is sexy chic.
* Most caring person you will ever meet! Man, you're getting screwed on that deal.
* Not the kind of person you want to mess with... They will wait till your asleep and set your bed on fire.

8. SCORPIO - The Addict
(the Scorpion - 24 October--21 November)
* EXTREMELY adorable. Ask them, they'll tell you so.
* Intelligent. Can remember most of their ABC's and can count to 20 using fingers and toes.
* Loves to joke. Especially knock knock jokes that a 3 year old might tell you.
* Very good sense of humor. They usually will laugh at you when you're  undressed.
* Energetic. Can shop for hours with your credit card.
* Good kisser, especially to their bosses backside.
* Always get what they want, but screw other people from getting what they want.
* Attractive. They usually bathe and have most of their teeth.
* Easy going.  Doesn't care if they look like crap when visiting your family.
* Loves being in long relationships.  The longer the better, that way they can nag you for years!
* Talkative. You simply can't get them to shut up for longer than 30 seconds at a time.
* Romantic. Loves to spend hours alone with a dirty magazine and some wet wipes.
* Caring. They care about you so much that they'll tie you to the bed and break your ankles so you'll love them.

9. SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
(the Archer - 22 November--21 December)
* Spontaneous.  Has the ability to change their minds 30 times before breakfast.
* High sex appeal. They love sex with multiple partners, so eat your vitamin E and take a number, Bucko.
* Rare to find. Even harder to get rid of once they have you in their clutches.
* Loves being in long relationships with several people in several states.
* So much love to give, not enough time to go through the phone book.
* Not one to mess with. They'll shank you ass before you can move.
* Very attractive. Beauty also hide their 'ugly to the bone' alter-ego.
* Very romantic. Will sleep with anyone that pays them a compliment, or gives them cash.
* Nice to everyone they meet, because they think they might get laid.
* Silly, fun and sweet. Okay, maybe a little too much of each. After a while, it gets sickening.
* Have their own unique appeal. They like to dress in leather hip boots and dance naked in church to Lady Gaga tunes.
* Most caring person you will ever meet! Honestly, they care so much that they get on your last freakin' good nerve.
* Not the kind of person you wanna mess with because you might end up crying. They carry onion juice in a squirt gun, so watch it!

10. CAPRICORN-The Passionate Lover
(the Goat-22 December--19 January)
* Love to bust, and bust to love!
* Nice. Says everything you want to hear... Then when you're asleep, they clean your wallet out and run.
* Sassy. Say something and they will start an argument.
* Intelligent. This actually means smartass.
* Sexy. Likes to dress in rubber and do naughty things with vegetables
* Irresistible. You simply can't think of anything else because they use hypnosis on you to make sure you don't.
* Loves being in long relationships. But beware when they get bored, because they will bolt on you like a greyhound at a dog track.
* Great talker. They talk incessantly and never shut the hell up!
* Always gets what he or she wants. Again, hypnosis is used for that.
* Cool. Hot. They are never satisfied with the temperature.
* Extremely fun. Unless you piss them off.
* Loves to joke. Especially at your expense.
* Smart. They can at least read at a fourth-grade level and can add to ten without taking off their shoes.

11. AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
(the Water Bearer - 20 January--18 February)
* Trustworthy. Just don't leave your wallet/purse lying around.
* Attractive. Prettier in the dark.
* Great kisser. Once practiced on their dead uncle Lester.
* One of a kind. Two of them would be a disaster to the space/time continuum.
* Loves being in long-term relationships. Just don't let them around your friends, as they will try to lay them too.
* Extremely energetic. Can shag all night.
* Unpredictable. You never know what they will say when talking to your parents.
* Will exceed your expectations, so long as you don't have many.

12. PISCES - The Partner for Life
(the Fishes - 19 February--20 March)
* Caring and kind. Usually to invisible friends named Harvey.
* Smart. Knows how to read well enough to find a liquor store.
* Center of attention. Self-centered and proud of it, Bunky!
* Has the last word. Seriously, try talking to them and they keep on talking long after you're done.
* Good to find, hard to keep. And they'll tell you so, too.
* Fun to be around. Really. Especially when they dress in your underwear and run to the neighbors asking for a cup of sex.
* Extremely weird but in a good way. Like the time they drove across town to your house; got out of the car doing a naked 'Happy Dance' while yelling obscenities at your mother.
* Good Sense of Humor. Tells old jokes over and over because that's all they can remember.
* Thoughtful. Why, just yesterday they thought about you while using your credit card to buy porn.
* Always gets what he or she wants. Seriously. They will hold their breath till their face turns blue to get you to buy them something.
* Loves to joke. Unfortunately, they never know when to stop and usually makes you want to commit suicide to get away from them.
* Very popular, especially with midgets and carnies.

This weeks edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by our friends at Dingleberry Wine Company.

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The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/20/2011

IS TOMORROW THE
END OF THE WORLD?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

According to Harold Camping, a minister that has once before set a date for the end of life as we know it on Earth (and was wrong), has once again set a date for the coming of Doomsday here on Earth. Even though there have been dozens of failed End of the World predictions, the latest one claims it will happen this coming Saturday, May 21st.

A few Las Vegas odds makers are making a 2-1 bet that May 22 will be here as scheduled and that the apocalyptic preacher is wrong again.

But according to Ruby Highchitter of Hooter Heights, she believes that tomorrow is the end of the world. "I've got my bags packed, gas in the car, and I'll be heading to the mountains. So when it happens, I'll be closer to the action."

Charlie Fishodor of Poon Point also believes. "I hope so. I can't take any more political ads! God, let the suffering end!"

Lester Hornswaggle over in Aureole Acres agrees. "With the shape this country is in, and the douchbags in Washington sticking it to us at every turn, I hope it ends! Maybe gas will be cheaper then too."

Of course, there are doubters among us.

Take Oliver Closeoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner, who said, "Anyone that believes that crap should have their heads examined." When asked what he was planning on doing if he was wrong, Closeoff stated, "I'll be fishing over at Stinking Creek Pay Lake, so if the end of the world does come, I suppose that I'll be sitting lakeside with a cold Schitts Beer and listening to Willy on the radio. It could be worse. I could be sitting in traffic listening to Lady Gaga."

Lydia Mufburger isn't looking for the end to happen. "It better not be the end of the world, otherwise my ex-husband will get away with not paying his alimony!"

Even local Bluesman, Milo Days, had something to say about the subject. While on stage at the Strike and Suds last night, someone in the audience asked him if he was planning on being on stage this Saturday night after the end of the world?

Milo, sitting on a stool with his guitar in his lap, said, "Cracker, if the world ends Saturday, then you'll find me laying on a cloud up in Heaven. I'll have my guitar in one hand and a bottle of Dingleberry Wine in the other. Otherwise, I'll be right here again Saturday playing my hits and drinkin' me some wine!" He then proceeded to play one of his hits, 'Big Breastesses Woman Blues' to a cheering crowd.

But then, there is the Reverend Dave Dollar of the Church of Some Guy named Dave, located on the corner of 4th and Main in downtown Buzzardbait, who says, "Harold Camping is the president of Family Stations, and he says that he figured out the date from signs in the Bible.
Now, of course, the Bible tells us about the Second Coming, but in that very same chapter, Jesus warns about all of these so-called false prophets. Now, some say I'm one of those false Prophets, but I'm not out preaching the end of the world like Rev. Camping is. I'm preaching about the end of the world by aliens that come here and zap everyone with bubble gum guns and steal cheerleaders to take to Mars!"

So, is the end of the world coming, or is it going to end on 12/21/12? Is the preacher going to be wrong again, or will he be right and make the Mayans out to be liars? And what about all of the other predictions that people have made over the centuries about when the world would end. All have obviously been wrong.

Even our Boss here at the CU said, "The Bible says, 'But of that day and hour knoweth no man. No, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.'" He then went on to say, "Now if the angels don't know, how the heck is anyone else going to be know that May 21, or any other day, is the end of the world? Freakin' idiots!"

As for the rest of us here at the Curious Urinal, if the world does end, we will probably not be putting out any more online newspaper, as the readership might not be there. Otherwise, we'll be back again next week and bring you more of what you've come to expect from Buzzardbait's only online newspaper... Either way, you won't be missing much.

The Curious Urinal - 5/15/2011
Special Edition

Osama bin Laden -
Porn King!

Abbottabad, Pakistan -
An extensive stash of pornography was found in the Pakistani compound of Osama bin Laden, which was raided last week by Navy SEALs, an anonymous U.S. official told The Curious Urinal.

The pornography taken from the compound was extensive and unique, said the anonymous source. Since Bin Laden's Abbottabad compound did not have Internet connection or telephones, he had to have the porn shipped to him by couriers.

Among the vast assortment of porn were the following:
Listed under Goat Porn were titles like On Goaten Pond, The Great Goatsbee, and Martyr Did a Little Goat.

Listed under Camel Porn were the following titles:
Double Humpers, I'd Walk a Mile to do a Camel, Bareback Jihad Camel Riders and Debbie Does Camel.

And it seemed that bin Laden was into Gay Porn, as he had several movies, including:
Shiek to Shiek, Jihad Warriors in Lust, Forrest Hump, Desert Baredevils, Where the Boys Are III and Backdoor Deliverymen.

Also, unreported to the mainstream media, there was an extensive collection of PlayShiek Magazines, featuring the Burqa of the Month Centerfolds and some assorted Victoria's Secret underwear. Also in a box were a man's sized leather teddy with a matching riding crop, hip boots and pink fuzzy handcuffs, and a few empty bottles of Enzyte and a Smilin' Bob Tee-shirt.

Also, according to the anonymous source, when bin Laden was shot, he was wearing a bustier, leather chaps and a pair of size thirteen ladies pink pumps.

The anonymous source went on to say that U.S. authorities did not wish for the general public to know about the porn stash, as it could be viewed in the Muslim world as offensive. But the anonymous source then said, "Screw em! Their boy, bin Laden, was a Gay Camel Humper!"




Osama bin Laden enjoying himself viewing one of his porn movies, The Erotic Adventures of Jihad Jimmy at the Goat Farm.

The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/13/2011

The Curious Urinal Interview:



Arnold Schwarzenegger 






By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

It was Monday when the official news came of the separation of former mega-movie star and former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife of 25 years, Maria Shriver.  So, hopping a plane to Los Angeles, this reporter got the interview of a lifetime with the Governator himself.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today, Governor Schwarzenegger.

AS: No problemo. And call me Ah-nold.

CU: I'll get right down to it, Ah-nold. This past Monday, it was revealed that you and your lovely wife, Maria, were separating after 25 years of wedded bliss. What can you tell us about that?

AS: (Wiping a stray tear from his face) MARIA! OH GOD! Why did you leave me?

CU: So, it was Mrs. Schwarzenegger who actually left you?

AS: MARIA! Whatever I did, I'm sorry! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

CU: Here you go. (Handing the Governator my handkerchief)

AS: (Blowing his nose, then handing me the soiled handkerchief back) Thanks. And don't call her Mrs. Schwarzenegger. She hated that name. She said she couldn't even spell it. Funny though, she never had a problem writing all those checks for jewelry and cars, using my name and money to get them.

CU: That sucks! And you can keep the handkerchief. I have more.

AS: Okay. Thanks.

CU: Are you okay?

AH: I was thinking about my wife (Fighting back tears again).

CU: Yes, your beautiful wife.

AH: That rotten broad! She left me because I wasn't governor anymore! MARIA! You broke my heart! Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

CU: (Feeling a bit uncomfortable) Well, let's change the subject, shall we. You are working on a couple of movie deals now that you have left the governor's mansion. Can you tell us about those movies?

AS: (Perking up) Well, I'll be starring in a movie called 'Cry Macho' where I'll be stretching my acting chops, showing my softer side. I don't get to blow up anything in that one, but that's okay.

CU: Great. What else is on the horizon?

AS: I'll be back (chuckling at his little joke) as the Terminator in another installment of the popular movie franchise. I'll play the T-1000 again, blowing stuff up and otherwise looking good for my fans!

CU: Excuse me for saying so, but aren't you a little old to play those macho roles? I understand that you would need extensive preparation to play that particular role, as your once buff body is now bloated and flabby.

AS: Ah, I see you have seen the tabloid shot of me in my swimming trunks. I was actually wearing body armor made to look like human flesh, so my normally perfect body was hidden inside the flabby-looking body armor. No problemo.

CU: I see.

AS: And regardless of what the critics say, I am not too old to be playing the macho roles, as I am still Ah-nold 'The Governator'  Schwarzenegger. I can still bench press the likes of Stalone and curl fifty reps of someone like you with relative ease.

CU: Well, let's don't and say we did.

AS: (Leaning forward quickly) I have a joke for you.

CU: (Sitting back quickly) Really? Go for it.

AH: Okay, here goes... A cannibal was walking through the jungle and he came upon a restaurant operated by another cannibal. Feeling a little hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu. It read: Tourist: $8.00, Broiled Missionary: $10.00, Fried Explorer: $12.50 and Baked Politicians: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all damned day."

CU: (Laughing) Good one.

AS: I could tell you more, but I have to go pump some iron before I go to the studio to start making blockbuster movies again.

CU: Yes, I think that would be a good thing. And I hope you get over Maria.

AS: (Sniffling again) Aaaaaaggggghhhhh. MARIA! I love you, baby! Why did you leave me? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

The Curious Urinal -Friday 5/6/2011

A Special Report from The Curious Urinal - What They Say and What They Really Mean.

We at The Curious Urinal from time to time like to inform you, the readers, that sometimes you have to sift through what the advertisers say to get to the bottom of what they really are saying. So, as a public service, here's a sample of What They Say and What They Really Mean.

What They Say:

Fred's Lawn Service is your one-stop lawn service in Buzzardbait. Fred's Lawn Service is locally owned and operated and can handle even the toughest grass out there. Our state of the art mowers are equipped with the latest technology, so we can easily service your hard-to-mow lawn with ease. Our rates are competitive and we can be at your home anytime of the day or week.

So, call Fred's Lawn Service when you're ready to stop mowing that yard yourself! Our state of the art messaging system allows us to handle you calls 24/7. The number to call is number is Buzzardbait 5741.

 

What They Really Mean:

Fred's Lawn Service is your one-stop lawn service in Buzzardbait (since we are the only lawn service in Buzzardbait - especially after old man Paxton, owner of Paxton's Lawn Care, ran off with Wilma Waddleson and sold his mowers so he could pay for the airplane tickets to Vegas).

Fred's Lawn Service is locally owned and operated (because Fred lives here, and not up in Lousyville, like the rest of them fancy lawn service guys) and can handle even the toughest grass out there (so long as it's not full of dog crap, as Fred is allergic to dog crap).

Our state of the art mowers (they have blades) are equipped with the latest technology (they run on gas), so we can easily service your hard-to-mow lawn with ease (although Elmer Emmerson's yard was a bit tough to cut as it had a rabid squirrel attacking Fred every time he came near the old oak tree the squirrel was hanging out in).

Our rates are competitive (since we have no competition in Buzzardbait, we can say that and charge you more than those fancy Lousyville lawn service guys charge - and what are you gonna do about it, huh?) and we can be at your home anytime of the day or week (except for the weekends, because Fred likes to go fishing and get drunk with his friends, or spend time over at Big Al's Titty Emporium, stuffing dollar bills in the G-Strings of the girls. Oh, Mondays aren't a good day for Fred, since he's usually hung over from the weekend. Friday's aren't good either, since Fred starts drinking around 9 a.m., so he's not trustworthy around moving equipment - Ask Norma Littleson, because she'll tell you that Fred ran over her cat and spattered cat chunks all over her front porch - and yes, the cat was on the porch at the time of the accident).

So, call Fred's Lawn Service when you're ready to stop mowing that yard yourself (unless you need him to do it right away, then you might want to do it yourself, as Fred's probably laying drunk somewhere at the moment). Our state of the art messaging system (Fred went out and bought a used answering machine at a yard sale a couple of weeks ago) allows us to handle you calls 24/7 (Just don't call after 6 p.m. or before 9 a.m. as Fred is apt to pick up the phone and cuss you for waking him up. And whatever you do, don't call while Roller Derby or Wrestling is on, because Fred has a tendency to cuss people out during those shows too).

The number to call is number is Buzzardbait 5741(Fred is using the old phone system because he's too cheap to spring for a rotary dial phone).

The Curious Urinal - Special Edition
5/3/2011

Osama Bin Laden is Dead

"We finally got the bastard!" Proclaims our unknown source in Washington D.C. "This is a big f**kin' deal!" The unknown source added, then went on to discribe the scene inside the White House.

President Obama strutted around the Oval Office, high-fiving his staff upon news that the Al Qaeda Leader and all around evil dude was dead. He did a few belly bumps with Joe Biden and Hilary Clinton, then went to shoot some basketball.

Bin Laden's DNA was taken, as well as some  8x10 glossy pics taken for future reference. Then, his body was weighed down with concrete blocks and was tossed over the side of a Navy ship to sleep with the fishes - in traditional gangster style.

Good riddence and we hope hell is hot enough for you!

In other news:

Starving Child will remain so until store is restocked.

Little La'Shequa Smith walked into the Buzzardbait Supermarket and Childcare Center yesterday with his mother. Ms. LaQuisha Hussain- Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones (yes, she's been married that many times) took her youngest of 11 children into the supermarket to buy his favorite food, Spaghetti Squares (that is the generic Buzzardbait version of Spaghetti-O's), but found the aisle had been wiped out, as their had been a sale, and every last can had been bought.

Now crying, Little La'Shequa (Elmo to his friends) asked his mother what had happened to his favorite food? Not knowing what to tell her son, Ms. Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones decided to ask the manager, Omar Hockendaloogy. Mr. Hockendaloogy didn't know the answer, but knew were to look. The surveillance tape from Aisle 13 (that's the canned snack food aisle).

Since there had been a sale on the item, he was sure that he would find several customers stocking-up on the tasty little Spaghetti-Square's, manufactured by Buzzardbait Food Processing and Dog Food Company, LLC. But what he and Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones, along with little La'Shequa, saw was incredible.

One woman raked the entire contents of the shelf, all 13 cans, into her cart, all the while rubbing her hands together and appeared to be laughing maniacally.

Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones looked at her son, all teary-eyed, and said, "Baby, that crazy white woman done cleaned-out your favorite food."

La'Quesha began bawling, saying, "There goes my breakfast and dinner for the rest of the year, and my Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners too!"

Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones then said, there ought to be a law against that kinda thing!"

And as for Mr. Hockendaloogy, he said that since the aisle was completely wiped out of Spaghetti-Square's. it would take a few days to replenish the stock.

"My baby's gonna starve by then!" Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones exclaimed.

Quickly thinking, Mr. Hockendaloogy called the Buzzardbait Food Processing and Dog Food Company, LLC. and spoke with Uma Trenchmouth, the sales rep, and secured a case of Spaghetti-Square's for little LaQuesha, that would be delivered to the trailer he and his mother and 10 other siblings occupy.

It's that kind of customer service that makes Buzzardbait Supermarket and Childcare Center the best place to shop on Main Street.

This Special Report has been brought to you by one of our favorite sponsors:

Duckwizz Bottled Water

Remember - If it's not Duckwizz, it's not All-Natural!

The Curious Urinal Friday, 4/29/2011

The Curious Urinal Interview: Katie Couric

By staff reporter Juan Motyme

The soon-to-be former CBS News anchor and correspondent sat down with us to answer questions about her impending retirement from anchoring 'CBS Evening News with Katie Couric'

But something told me that she was not in the mood to be interviewed. She had arrived with a half-drank beer - in the long neck bottle - and a freshly-lit cigarette gripped between her frowning lips.

CU: Thank you for sitting down withs us today.

KC: Whatever. Come on, let's get this sh*t over with.

CU: Ms. Couric, or can I call you Katie?

KC: Look, I don't care what you f***in' call me, just hurry the f**k up about it.

CU: Fine then. Ms. Couric, after five years doing the CBS News, you failed to bring the ratings up and...

KC: (A quick swig from the bottle of beer and then replacing the cigarette between her lips) Look, CBS can suck my a*s. They couldn't do anything right. They wouldn't let me do the things I wanted to do. They wanted me to do what they wanted me to do. So it's their fault that the ratings never f**kin' went up!

CU: But it's fair to say that you earned a great deal of money from CBS... $15 million a year to be exact, and...

KC: And I earned every f**kin' dime of it, scumwad! (She guzzled down the remaining beer in the bottle and tossed it aside. She took a drag off her cigarette then flicked it toward the wall) And if anyone says different, then they are a lying sack of sh*t!

CU: Ms. Couric, if I didn't know better, I'd say your a bit bitter about the whole ordeal.

KC: Bitter? I'm not f**kin' bitter! I'm f**kin' pissed off. I wasted five f**kin' years at CBS doing the schlock news when I could have been back at the f**kin' Today Show, having fun and not having to do f**kin' stupid interviews with people like you!

CU: Why? Because you get asked questions you don't wish to answer?

KC: I can answer f**kin' questions, dipsh*t. It's dealing with you lowlifes in the right-wing media that I f**kin' hate! All of you conservatives make me f**kin' sick. I think they should shoot every f**kin' one of you and then pi*s on your carcass. You always ask the stupid questions instead of throwing the softball questions we on the left ask.

CU: I see. Well, I can ask softball questions if you'd like. Let's see... What newspapers do you read?

KC: F**k you!

With that, Katie Couric stood, walked into a wall and cursed. She found the door and walked out.

On a personal note, I say good riddance, Ms. Couric.

The Curious Urinal - 4/22/2011
By staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Royal Wedding advice from Buzzardbait.

It's been almost 30 years since the last Royal wedding. Prince Charles' and Princess Diana's elaborate and much-watched nuptials were the talk of the world. Next weekend, Charles and Diana's first-born son, William,  will be tying the knot.

On April 29, the prince and his girlfriend of several years, Kate Middleton, will marry in front of a world audience. So, staff reporter Juan Motyme went to talk with residents of Buzzardbait about the upcoming wedding, and what advice they could give the soon-to-be royal couple.

Bizbee Fartknocker of Poon Point said, "First thing I'd tell that William feller is always make sure and take your work boots off before you go inside the house. I have done that for 30 years now, and the old lady never complains about me tracking mud or manure on her nice clean floors."

Bonnie Bunnfluffer of Hooter Heights says, "Tell that Kate woman that if that husband of hers ever gives her trouble, don't go to bed mad. Wait till he goes to sleep, then sneak out of the house, go down to the bar and find your boyfriend. He can always make you feel good."

Billy Bunnfluffer of Hooter Heights added, "Yeah, William, let Kate sneak out of the house. Then go next door to her sister's house and have yourself a ball!"

Bonnie and Billy left arguing about their advice.

Freddie Fudgepacker of Buzzardbait, along with several of his friends, suggested. "William, girlfriend, don't marry that woman. Find yourself a nice man and... Well, me and the boys here would love to show you how to have true happiness."

The friends all nodded and waddled away.

Mary Pitchfork of Buzzardbait offered a unique point of view. "So, if they are gonna be married, will that make William the new Queen?"

I had to remind her that William would one day become King. where Mary replied, "Noooooo. There ain't no King but Elvis!"

A special edition of The Curious Urinal 4/15/2011


And now for something completely different...

It’s the book sensation that swept the world, and now it’s coming to a theater near you. The story of a young boy who has special powers; and who is sent away to a school for other gifted children like himself.

Once at the Hoggnutt’s School for Gifted Heads, Professor Fondledork, the ancient head of the school, notices this young boy and decided to take him under his wing... To teach the young lad all about his special powers.

"Professor?"

"Yes Harry?"

"I realize that you are older and wiser, and that you’re trying to teach me things that I do not know..."

"Yes?"

"Well, why do I have to learn while naked?"

"Why, young Harry, it's to rid yourself of all of the inhibitions that keep you from growing, of course. See this? Now you see that in my hands, you can grow... Oh yes! How you can grow!"

But along the way, the young boy meets his destiny and begins a journey into the unknown world of Cannabis. There, he stumbles upon Ned the Narc, who tries to turn the young boy into a Master Head of the Dark Weed.

"Hey Harry? I bet you didn’t know that I was the one who killed your father?

"And I bet you didn’t know that when you did, I became the head of the household!"

"Meaning?"

"Take a hit of this and tell me who’s higher!"

But the boy, whose destiny was sealed from birth, fights the Dark Master and prevails. And with the assistance of Professor Fondledork, the young man learns a valuable lesson. That when life hands you weeds, roll em up and smoke em.

"Take that, you bad man!"

"Is that all you have to offer, Harry?"

"Well, I do have this!"

"Hey, fire that thing up. I’ll get the roachclip! And I can get some Twinkies, some M&M’s and some beer, too!"

"Cool!"

"Harry?"

"Yes, Professor Fondledork?"

"Was that the Dark Master?"

"Why, yes... Yes it was!"

"I thought so. Take down your trousers, Harry."

"Why, Professor Fondledork?"

"So I can live up to my name, my boy!"

Nineteenth Century Weasel and Ganja Productions presents:

Harry Pothead and His Magic Wand!
"Harry, this wand of yours is so big!"

"Thanks, Professor."

Rated NC-17 for really sick and demented things that might make you go "Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww!"

Coming soon to a theater near you.

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So come on down to Honest Charlie Parker’s Real Estate Company, Located at Main and 5th in beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait.

The Curious Urinal - April 8, 2011

A supplemental report from the Curious Urinal
What Not to Say
(or 'The Art of Tactless Speaking')
By Juan Motyme

These are a few things to avoid when in conversation with anyone.

Don’t say: “You look tired.”
Say: “Is everything OK? For a minute, I thought you had gone ten rounds with a diseased yak in heat.”

Don’t say: “Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”
Say: “You look great...Considering you look like someone drained every ounce of blood from you. Are you dating a vampire?”

Don’t say: “You look good for your age.”
Say: “You look great... For someone twice you age and in a crypt.”

Don’t say: “I could never wear that.”
Say: “I learned a long time ago never to try to imitate a tramp.”

What Not to Say at Work:

Don’t say: “That’s not my job.”
Say: “I’m not sure that I can screw something up as good as you could.” 

Don’t say: “This might sound stupid, but…”
Say: "I hate to sound as stupid as you do, but..."

Don’t say: “I don’t have time to talk to you.”
Say: “Honestly, if I had the time to talk to anyone, I'd rather it be with someone who I give a damn what they had to say!”

What Not to Say During a Job Interview

Don’t say: “My current boss is terrible.”
Say: “I’m ready to get away from that sorry, good for nothing asshat I work for now!”

Don’t say: “Do you think I’d fit in here?”
Say: “Do you think the company would mind if I stole some of the furniture and built a bonfire in the lobby?”

Don’t say: “What are the hours like?”
Say: "I hope no one minds if I take several weeks off at a time so I can lay around at the crack house and chill."

Don't say: “What’s the vacation policy?”
Say: "How long do I have to work before I take off for a six month vacation to shag your daughter in a seedy motel in Newark?"

Don't say: “What’s the day-to-day like here?”
Say: "Is this place as boring as the last ten jobs I've had in the last three weeks?"

Don't say: “Can you tell me about the compensation and benefits package?”
Say: "Do you people press charges if I decided to embezzle millions of dollars to supplement my gambling addiction?"

What Not to Say About Pregnancy and Babies

Don’t say: “Are you pregnant?”
Say: “ OMG! You look like you spent a little too much time at the buffet!” Or just simply point and laugh.

Don’t say: “Do you plan on breast-feeding?”
Say: "Your dress is cut so low it would make a baby cry!" Or, "Could I offer my services so you can practice breast feeding? I can even wear a diaper and call you 'mommy' if you'd like!"

Don't say: "Is there something you'd like to tell me about being pregnant?"
Say: “Uh, you have some 'splaining to do!”

Don’t say: “Were your twins natural?”
Say: "Are your little mutants going to be sold for scientific experiments?"

Don't say: “It must have been hard for your child’s birth parent to give him up.”
Say: “Wow, and to think someone would have wanted to give up those brats so you could raise them!”

Remember, tact is important in everyday conversation. Be wise... If you can't think of anything good to say, then blurt out something rude, crude and disgusting and run like hell!

The Curious Urinal -Friday 3/25/2011

A Day In The Life Of A Local Rock Star

From Staff Writer Juan Motyme

It's becomes apparent once you walk into the spacious digs of Sami Shagnasty (of Sami Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats) that you have walked into a rock star oasis. Concert posters adorn the walls. There, posters of Elvis, KISS, Lady Gaga and others adorn the walls. Also, there's a poster from the Huckabaloo Concert in Huckleberry, Indiana that she headlined; or the poster of Sami and Milo Days at their latest show in Buzzardbait's Strike and Suds. She and her band opened for Milo, and the photos acknowledge that.

Her photo, and that of her band, are barely noticeable while Milo Days and his guitar take up most of the poster.

And then, there are the Lead Albums* that line the walls in the hallway. Ten of them (it's a small hallway) that signify her contribution to the music industry.(*Lead signifying less than 100 units sold of any given record/CD). But to Sami, it's not about sales, it's about satisfaction.
As I passed these mementos of her success, I entered the spacious living room where Sami is awaiting me.

She was reclined in her Lazy Gal while she noshed on a bologna and onion sandwich and drinking a triple-thick chocolate milkshake. So when I asked her about what drives her to be who she is, Sami replied, “Maw mufix a buug fwakr em...” She chewed quickly and then swallowed. She began again, “My music's a big factor in how I lead my life.” She slurps her milkshake and continues, “I'm just an ordinary woman living an ordinary life!”

At five foot tall, she is a dynamo. At 450 pounds, Sami says that she has to eat alot in order to have the energy she pours into her music. So how does this mega-star live? You might be surprised.

For starts: She sleeps until noon, where she immediately gets up and spends the next 45 minutes in the shower. Another 45 minutes on the toilet followed by another 45 minute shower. After that, she finally gets dressed. Her live-in professional dresser/make-up artist lays out her clothes. Once she chooses what she wants to wear, she allows her dresser/make-up artist to dress her.

After this, she moves to the kitchen, where her private chef, Wolfman Fluke (recently a chef at Chez Vittles, a upscale fried chicken restaurant in Hooter Heights), has prepared her favorite breakfast: 10 eggs (fried) and gravy, pancakes (a stack of thirty) and gravy and a side order of gravy. After breakfast, she has a light brunch of bologna and onion sandwiches (only three), and a triple thick, 72 oz. chocolate shake.

From there, she moves to the living room, where she props herself in a Lay-Z-Girl recliner and has her personal masseuse, Raul, rub her bunions while she picks up her guitar and writes another mega hit.

Three hours later, she is whisked away to the shower, where she spends the next 45 minutes. Once toweled of by Raul, she then heads to the recording studio (located in her basement). Her band (all of whom live in the basement) have been waiting for her to make an appearance so they can be browbeaten by her constant criticism of their feeble talents.

Afterwards, she looks at me and says, “Honestly, I have carried this band for years, but since they are family, I keep them around. I could always dump them and go solo, but I can't really see breaking up the band like that! I'm no Yoko Ono!”

After a 30 minute browbeating session, Sami sings while the browbeaten band backs her up. They keep their eyes lowered in reverence, not wanting to have another cussing session thrown their way (Side note: She can cuss like an artist as well). Sami stops the rehearsal to cuss at them for making her voice sound bad and then throws a few marshmallows into her mouth. “Mah Fwkrs maf mef sund wik schif!” (actual translation not printable here). Withe the rehearsal now over, she storms off to the kitchen to grab herself a snack.

After a snack of three cheese burgers and fried corn, smothered in butter, it's time to head to the bowling alley, where the band is appearing in the lounge nightly.

Once the band and the roadies have everything prepared, Sami makes her triumphant entrance on the stage.

The Strike and Suds is abuzz with excitement. Bowlers are bowling and the people in the lounge are prepared for the show. Both patrons of the lounge nurse their beers while Sami sets up on stage and begins wailing. She goes through her play-list of hits.

After both songs are played, she begins singing hits from other artists until her 30 minutes on stage is over. The two patrons of the lounge applaud wildly as they take the cotton balls from their ears. One patron is overheard saying, “Thank God that's over. Can I get another beer?”

After leaving the gig, she returns home, where Wolfman Fluke has prepared a lite dinner of fried chicken, fried turkey dumplings, a T-bone steak (fried) with sauteed onions, deep-fried lard balls, some fried rice on a bed of Oreos. Also on the menu is a serving of fried Spam, eggs and cheese, a heaping helping of glazed donuts and an extra-large diet cola. "A girl has to watch her figure, ya know." Sami says as she begins feasting.

After dinner, she returns to the shower and then to bed; another day fulfilled.

So, when you think that all rock stars live a blessed life, think of Sami Shagnasty. Your life may not be as glamorous as hers, but at least she is living her dream while you toil and worry about putting gas in you car. So there!



And now a word from one of our sponsors:

Tres Equis Bottling Company, Buzzardbait, KY.

Remember to drink responsibly, but if you can't then drink more Tres Equis!

The Curious Urinal- Friday 3/18/11

COLA WARS MAY BE OVER

It's now official... Sales of Diet Coke overtook those of Pepsi-Cola for the first time in 2010, making the diet soda the No. 2 carbonated soft drink in the U.S. behind Coca-Cola, according to industry data released on Thursday.

For years, it has been Coca-Cola and Pepsi, neck and neck for decades, occupying the top two rankings. But now, Diet Coke has edged out Pepsi for the number two spot on the list. This is a historic win for the Coca-Cola Co. in its decades-old rivalry with PepsiCo Inc., which has seen its market share slip in recent years and is trying to retool its marketing.

While both Pepsi and Diet Pepsi has been marketed toward goofy slackers and hip, socially-conscious teens in recent years, Diet Coke continued to market itself to people that normally drink (surprisingly) Diet Coke.

Marketing gurus at PepsiCo are beside themselves even more this week, as news of a new rivalry may be in play very soon.

Local entry, Sludge Cola, bottled by SludgeCo Bottling of Buzzardbait, KY, recently sold a portion of their business to Consolidated Cybernetic Corporation of America (CCCofA) for a record $33,000.00. That's over half the company's total revenue for the past six years. CCCofA plans a marketing blitz using Hip Hop singers, Country Superstars and aging Rockers with bad knees to sell Sludge Cola to a national audience.

But there's one artist who has refused to endorse the local cola. That's none other than Blues legend, Milo Days. He is already in a long-term contract with local winery, Dingleberry Wines, LLC. to promote the wine nationwide. But that wasn't the real reason behind his decision.

Milo Days, taking a break between sets at the Strike and Suds Bowling Lanes and Dance Club last night, said, "Have you ever tasted that stuff? Man, Sludge Cola could grow hair on you tongue and could probably clean the grease off an old, rusted engine block in a junkyard. No thanks, I'll stick with my Dingleberry Wine!"

Here are the top ten soft drinks by popularity in the US:

1. Coca Cola
2. Diet Coke 
3. Pepsi Cola
4. Mountain Dew
5. Diet Pepsi
6. Dr. Pepper
7. Sprite
8. Fanta
9. Diet Mountain Dew
10. Diet Dr. Pepper

Currently, Sludge Cola is the number 327th most popular cola in the US. And surprisingly, there are just 327 major and minor brands currently sold in the U.S.

Sludge Cola's market share is a meager  0.0000001% of the U.S. Cola Market. It currently lags behind other notable drinks like Schittpott Cola, Nuclear Waste-water Cola, Piss in a Bottle and Dog Bile Cola.

In Sports

The University of Buzzardbait Men's Basketball team, the Fighting Gutpiles, failed yet again to make it to the Big Dance. UofB head Coach, Cletus Waddshooter, spoke to the media yesterday, bemoaning the fact this his school has never been invited to participate in the NCAA Basketball Championships.

"I think it's a crying shame that the NCAA would be so afraid to allow the Gutpiles into the tourney. We have a perfect record of 0-47 and should have been given a chance to play those teams that always seem to get in. I bet we could lose to the best of them!" Coach Waddshooter then chugged down a bottle of whiskey and passed out shortly thereafter.

Local weather from Buzzardbait's resident Meteorologist, Frank Lee Befuddled.

There is a chance for Rain/Snow/Dry conditions with either cloudy or sunny skies tomorrow.
Temperatures will range between 50 and 100 degrees with lows between 0 and 70 degrees.

Sunrise: When the sun comes up. Sunset: When it gets dark.

The Curious Urinal  3/11/2011

The Curious Urinal Interview:
Charlie Sheen
By Staff Reporter - Juan Motyme

After being fired from his megahit TV show, Charlie Sheen sat down with The Curious Urinal to set the record straight.

CU: Thanks for sitting down with us today.

CS: No problem. I wasn't doing anything else today.

CU: Let's get down to it. You were recently fired from the hit CBS TV show, Two and a Half Men, due to an apparent meltdown and several rants made toward the shows producer. Can you tell us what happened?

CS: To set the record straight, I did not have a f***ing meltdown. I was f***ing traumatized because I had been f***ing released from the  f***ing show. I said some things that needed to be said, but that does not constitute a f***ing meltdown!

CU: Fair enough. But the shows producer, Chuck...

CS: Please don't mention his f***ing name, as he isn't worthy of my f***ing time.

CU: Okay. The shows producer accused you of partying with porn stars, drinking and drug use and decided to fire you from the show based upon that and your verbal rants against him and the show.

CS: (Pulling a fifth of a major brand bourbon from behind a couch cushion, he opens the fifth up and guzzles at least a third of the bottle down before replying). Look, he claims I have a f***ing  problem with booze and drugs. He is absolutely f***ing wrong about that. As for the porn stars, since when was it any of his f***ing business whom I f***ing associate with?

CU: Okay. So what about your co-stars. Have you talked to them about the now-cancelled show?

CS: I have nothing but respect for not only the co-stars, John Cryer and the little f***er that is also on the show, but the entire crew. They are all f***ing professionals and did not deserve to be treated the way they have been  f***ing treated!

JC: Just as I was about to ask another question, a familiar looking man entered the room)  Boss, you have anything else for me to do?

CU: John Cryer?

CS: Have you waxed the car?

JC: Yes.

CS: Mowed the grass?

JC: Yes.

CS: Cleaned up the dog sh*t in the yard?

JS: Yes.

CS: Then trim the hedges, clean the house and do the laundry and you can go home for the day.

JC: Yippee! (He rushes from the room).

CU: That was John Cryer!

CS: I know that.

CU: What is he doing here?

CS: Working. He's a f***ing professional, you know!

CU: I see... Well, as the... (Again, at that very moment, my question was interrupted by two scantly clad women entering the room.

Woman #1: Charlie? Where are the toys? We wanna have some fun!

CS: Check the f***ing porn room.

Woman #2: Charlie? Is there anything I can do for you, baby?

CS: Yeah. Go to the kitchen and get me a f***ing tablespoon, would ya?

Both women kiss Charlie Sheen on opposing cheeks and leave the room.

CS: Sorry about that. The goddesses just love me. Do go on.

CU: Uh, yeah... Right. Well, you stand to make a hundred million off of the royalties on the TV show, and now you're considering suing Warner Brothers for another hundred million?

CS: It' not about the f***ing money, you understand. It's the f***ing principal of the  f***ing thing. Plus my crew and co-stars are now out of f***ing work, thanks to the so-called f***ing producer, and the mother f***ing studio. I think it's only fair that they f***ing pay out the ass!

Woman #2: Here you go, Charlie.

CS: (Taking the large spoon) Thanks, baby. (Turning back to me) You see, I'm looking out for the best interest of those people who have lost their f***ing jobs because of the f***ing mess the f***ing studio and the f***ing producer have put them into.

CU: But aren't you ultimately responsible for the entire ordeal, considering your current status?

CS: Current status? What the f*** does that mean?

CU: The allegations of drug use and alcohol abuse, among other things.

CS: (Pulling a gallon-sized zip-lock baggie filled with a white powdery substance - from behind another couch cushion) I do not have any f***ing problems with drugs or alcohol! (He opens the baggie, dipping the large tablespoon into the bag, withdrawing an over-sized spoonful of the white powdery substance. He brings the spoon to his left nostril and inhales deeply) Yawzer!

CU: Was that what I think it was?

CS: It's for medicinal purposes. Sinus problems.

CU: I see.

CS: Want a snort? It's good stuff... For your sinuses that is (He grins and winks).

CU: Thanks, but no. (I watch as he dips the spoon into the bag again) So, you have no alcohol or drug problems, yet you were going into rehab when this all began?

CS: (Snorting the contents of the spoon into his right nostril) Dammmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnn!

CU: Good stuff?

CS: (He wheezes) Damn Skippy!

CU: Well then, let's discuss your future. You have played many characters in your career, having been in several successful movies. Is there any chance you'll return to the big screen anytime soon?

CS: You have any favorites?

CU: It's a toss-up between Major League and Hot Shots for me. Wild Thing and Topper Harley are two of my favorite characters in any movie.

CS: Well thank you. I did do them in hopes that people would like them as much as I did playing the f***ing parts.

CU: So is there any big screen comebacks in your future?

CS: Look, I have never gone anywhere that I'd have to make a f***ing comeback! (He stood abruptly) and furthermore, mother f***er... (At that exact moment, his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell face-first into the coffee table).

CU: Mr. Sheen?

Woman #1: (Rushing into the room, seeing CS lying amidst the glass and wood) Charlie's tired. You need to go home now!

 Woman #2 (Rushing in behind Woman #1) And we'll take good care of Charlie (giggles).

Woman # 1: Uh huh!

Bodyguard #1 (Entering the room) Mister, you need to leave... Now! (Before I could stand up, two men grabbed me under my arms from either side, summarily carrying me to the front door, depositing me on my feet on the front walk near my car.

Afterthoughts - I still can't help but wonder what the f*** Charlie Sheen was about to say when he passed out. But our best wishes to Charlie Sheen in his future endeavors.

~ Juan Motyme

The Curious Urinal Friday 3/4/2011


Celebs Battle for Top Spot in Hollywood's Baddest List.

Christina Aguilera is drunk in public.

Lindsey Lohan may face jail time for stolen necklace.

Charlie Sheen is losing his mind before millions.

These are some of the top contenders for the 2011 Hollywood's Baddest List, complied by The Curious Urinal.

Last year, Mel Gibson was odds on favorite and won the title, but this year - with the competition brewing - it is anyone's title to have.

The 2000 winner, Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, remembers fondly winning the first annual award. "I was drinking banana daiquiris and tossing poo at people on the street from the sunroof of a limo. I was a mess. Thank God I straightened out my life, otherwise I might be working carnivals or something dreadful like that." Stinky smiled and sipped a non-alcoholic banana daiquiri. "Honestly, these Hollywood stars today are spoil brats and don't deserve the limelight. They need to be waiting tables or shoveling elephant cages. They don't deserve the fame or fortune if they are so self-destructive."

2007 winner O.J. Simpson (currently a resident of the Nevada Penal System) spoke to us on the phone, where he said, "Sheen is a has-been. Lohan and Aguilera are no-talents that will end up doing porno." When asked about his situation, The Juice replied, "Man, I'm innocent! It's a shame a talent like myself is stuck here! I was framed!"

Even though the year isn't even a third over, the top three spots so far seems like a lock... For now. The year is still young.

In Local News

Just when the residents of Buzzardbait thought it was safe to begin planning their summer vacations, gas prices shot up. Disgruntled citizens now complain that the government is to blame for the sharp rise in fuel prices.

Take Oliver Closoff. He is the Ammo County Road Commissioner. He was pumping gas into his 1983 F-150 and saw me coming out of the Speedy Mart, carrying a lottery ticket and a 128 oz. Big Gulper of Sudge Cola. He waved me over and said, "You tell your readers that Ammo County wants lower gas prices, and if the government doesn't do something about it, America will just stop driving!"

I asked, "Aren't you part of the government?"

His terse reply was, "The Federal Government! You tell that so-called president that he'd better let them drill everywhere, otherwise this country will be bankrupt and owned by them Chinese people!"

That perked up Sven Jorgensen, owner of Sven Jorgensen's Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet, who was across the pumps from us. He peered around the pump and said, "This gas business is bad for business! No one's a coming to the restaurant, and I just got in three-thousand pounds of Crawfish in tobacco-flavored cumquat juice. if no one comes in to eat that, then I'll loss my..

"Asinine! That's what it is!" Shouted Al "Big Al" Porkmeister, owner of Big Al's Titty Emporium. "My business is suffering! I had to let three of my girls go and shorten my hours in order to keep the place open. This economy sucks! And now the gas is skyrocketing. Thanks to that bunch of trained monkeys in Washington. Someone out to throw them into a rocket and blast them into space. Let the aliens deal with em!"

And there were so many people that swarmed around by this point that the clerk in Speedy's Mart called police to the scene.

Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, swaggered out of his police car and came forward, insisting that we break up the riot. When asked, Dect. Inspector issued a statement, saying, "I have nothing to say at this time!"

It sounds like he has a future in politics.

The Curious Urinal - Friday 2/25/2011


Local man makes bizarre discovery


It was a typical day for Harry Balzenhand, owner of Balzenhand Sporting Goods and Bingo Hall. Amidst the steady drone of the old ladies yelling bingo, and the thump of basketballs being bounced in the sporting goods store, Harry Balzenhand noticed something he had never noticed before.

Lurking near the restrooms was a six foot tall dancing bear that goes by the name of Bubba. Bubba the Dancing Bear was selling raffle tickets to unsuspecting old women for a night of fun and adventure at Big Al's Titty Emporium when from overhead the ceiling came crashing down, crushing Bubba the Dancing bear and two elderly women - dressed in pink and purple spandex and dragging along oxygen tanks.

Harry Balzenhand rushed to the scene of the disaster and discovered that the ceiling had collapsed because a very large rat, estimated to weigh at least two-thousand pounds, had crawled across a weak spot of the ceiling.

The rat, who will remain anonymous, scurried off, dragging one of the elderly women with him. Although several innocent bystanders, all dribbling basketballs, stood by and watched the events unfold, none of them choose to help the elderly woman, Norma Loosedentures, as she was screaming something about having to get back to her bingo game. The rat drug her out of the building though the front door, and disappeared moments later, driving a Honda Civic with Illinois license number KKK-U2.

As for Bubba the Dancing Bear, he will be buried at Buzzardbait Cemetery as soon as the raffle tickets are sold.

The other elderly woman, Ms. Gurtrude Bluehair, got up and returned to her bingo game, winning a jackpot of nearly $25. She played Ms. Loosedentures five cards, and bingoed on those at least twice.

As for Harry Balzenhand, he has a very big job ahead of him. Aside for ceiling repairs, he also has to invest in several large rat traps and find a replacement for Bubba.


In National news:

Part-time President and full-time Community Organizer in Chief Obama, who had been silent for over a week - refusing to comment on the atrocities currently happening in Libya - finally made a statement. His new press secretary, Jay Whatshisface (who replaced habitual liar Robert Gibbs - who now is lying in the private sector) said it was a 'scheduling conflict' that was to blame for the president's silence.

The press secretary said, "The president was playing basketball at the time, and couldn't be bothered." He then said that during a time-out, the president commented on the matter by saying, "Cool!" He then went back to playing ball with members of the SEIU Basketball All-Stars.

Jay Whatshisface went on to say, "So that should put to rest the notion that the president isn't engaged in matters in the Middle East."


And now, a message from Dewaine Shoulders, Publisher of The Curious Urinal ---

Hey gang! Sorry to be away so long. You know how life is... One day you're busily writing goofy stuff and the next day you're busily writing not so goofy stuff, doing Internet radio and TV, writing books and otherwise trying to make a living working a steady gig. Whew!

Anyway, I'm going to try to juggle it all, returning to what I love doing... Making up goofy stuff and still try to keep up with the rest of it all.

And I'm including the link to my first book. I have another in the editing stage now, and will be publishing it soon. I would appreciate any feedback on the book too.

Thanks,
Dewaine


http://www.amazon.com/Dead-Night-ebook/dp/B004G092WM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1294504269&sr=1-1

The Curious Urinal - Thursday 2/23/2011

The Curious Urinal is Back!

After a prolonged stay at the Buzzardbait Home for the Mentally Incoherent, Publisher Dewaine Shoulders returns to work; refreshed and almost coherent.

Starting tomorrow, The Curious Urinal will return with a change in publishing. Every Friday, The Curious Urinal will publish more of what you have come to expect from Buzzardbait's only online newspaper. Only now in a convenient weekly format.

From the pages of The Curious Urinal

The Friday Interview:

Ian Hocum - Stellar Scientist.
By staff reporter Juan Motyme.

We here at The Curious Urinal were excited when NASA gave a press conference yesterday in Washington about an amazing discovery. Since The Curious Urinal couldn't obtain press credentials (because we aren't a real newspaper - the gall of some of those people), we looked for any scientist willing to sit down with us. After several attempts, we secured an exclusive interview with noted scientist and star mapper, Ian Hocum.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.

IH: It's my pleasure.

CU: So, you have a really big announcement to make?

IH: Yes I do. If you consider how many stars are in the universe, and that is approximately 300 sextillion, then you can deduce from there..."

CU: Three hundred sextillion?

IH: Yes, that's 300 with 21 zeros behind it.

CU: That's a lot of stars!

IH: It certainly is.

CU: Sorry, do go on.

IH: As I was saying, with 300 sextillion stars in the universe, then can deduce from there that looking for life on a planet orbiting any one of those stars would be almost incalculable.

CU: I bet so!

IH: So, some fellow scientists decided that they would do a study out in California...

CU: Let me guess... San Francisco?

IH: No, but I know what you're thinking. Actually it was Mono Lake, where they discovered that a bug will grow in the presence of the toxic chemical arsenic when only slight traces of phosphorous are present.

CU: Interesting... I think.

IH: Very. But what's more interesting is that they have determined that Titan, the largest moon of Saturn, may have life on it based upon these findings in California!

CU: WOW!

IH: Wow is right. If the findings prove accurate, then we will have truly discovered alien life outside of planet Earth. There could also be life abundant on Mars or Europa, a moon of Jupiter. It's very exciting news!

CU: Could Pluto have ice men like The X-Men?

IH: Probably not. Again, we are talking about bacteria. Microbes wouldn't constitute ice men.

CU: So, in other words, microbes instead of ET's, right?

IH: Uh, yes.

CU: That just sucks!

IH: Well, I know, many people want there to be some cute alien that comes down here and eats Reece's Pieces, but honestly the best we can hope to find for now is microbes, yes.

CU: No little green men with little radio antennae sticking out of their heads?

IH: No.

CU: No pod people?

IH: Not as such, no.

CU: No mindless zombies that wander aimlessly while sucking the brains out of humans?

IH: That would be liberals, and again it's not likely outside of Earth.

CU: Well, why the hell am I wasting my time talking to you then?

IH: Because no one else would talk to a reporter from The Curious Urinal!

CU: Good point.

IH: You see, this is a huge breakthrough. It changes the probabilities for their being life on other planets. The possibilities for finding life, especially the primordial kind, are now even greater than we ever thought possible.

CU: But no Klingons? No Vulcans? No fish people with big, bulbous eyes that help blow up Death Stars?

IH: Sorry about that, but the probabilities at this point are pretty slim for aliens like that to be found.

CU: In that case, I suppose this interview is over.

IH: But we still have a lot to talk about!

CU: Does it involve alien spacecraft landing on Earth with ray guns shooting everything in sight and Slim Whitman records?

IH: Huh?

CU: Never mind. Have a great day.

Well, the answer is out there still. We just have to find the right people to ask, is all.

More from the pages of The Curious Urinal

Authorities Find Nothing Suspicious After Evacuating Lousyville International Airport

LOUSYVILLE, Ky. -- Leave it to Lousyville to try to get national attention. According to inside sources, Sid the bomb-sniffing police dog sniffed out a suspicious package and that caused the entire airport to be shut down Wednesday morning. After a frantic call to police, the police bomb experts found nothing suspicious after Sid reacted to a pallet at a remote cargo facility at Lousyville International Airport.

"It turned out to be Bacon Strips that were being sent to some address in Michigan," said Terri Thumbtwiddler, representing the Lousyville Airport Authority. She went on to say that, "Sid was reacting to hunger, not a bomb!"

A Transportation Security Administration spokeswoman said that after the dog alerted officers at around 11 p.m. Tuesday, the facility was evacuated and explosives experts were brought in. She says the airport closed one runway as a precaution.

Lousyville police spokeswoman, Darla "Butch" Azkicker, said a bomb squad examined packages for about eight hours but found nothing but the bacon-flavored strips.

Sid the bomb-sniffing dog has been trained to signal if he believes he's detected explosives, but officials note an alert can be given for materials that aren't dangerous.

"Old Sid was hungry, and we fed him. So everything is good. No harm, no foul!" Terri Thumbtwiddler stated to the press. "But if he does it again, I'll shoot the dog for dragging me out of bed again!"

As a precaution, the TSA strip searched every passenger inside the airport, except for several Muslims that were allowed to pass without being checked. A representative for the TSA, who wished to go unnamed, stated, "Since we cannot profile anyone, especially those of Muslim descent, we have to make doubly sure that the rest of the passengers are searched so that we can insure the skies over the U.S. remain safe!"

Agnes Dumfounded of Lousyville took offense to being strip searched, saying afterward, "I'm 89 years old. The only way I could be a terrorist is if my angina started acting up, then I'm a bit riled up. I think next time I have to fly, I'm wearing a burqa, so I can get through security without the hassles!"

The end of an era in Buzzardbait

For years, the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub has been a part of the community. Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger have tried to keep up with the latest trends over the years. They were first in the area to sell Pet Rocks. Then there was Disco Dancing, Slam Dancing (that ended after the first night as several patrons ended up in the local hospital). And they had a brief foray in punk country. Cleaning up the broken beer bottles proves more costly than actual beer sales and that ended within a few weeks. Then came Roller Boogie... But that went out of fashion fast as the space was too small for roller skating and the plate glass windows had to be replaces too often.

And then came Karaoke. And it was a hit!

Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger then tried out Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing. That didn't work out so well, so karaoke remained whereas the flip flops were tossed away.

Well, trying to keep up with current trends, the Douschebagger's decided that on Thanksgiving, they would deep-fry turkeys. Since the weather outside was less that appealing on Thanksgiving, Phillip Douschebagger brought the 55 gallon drum of oil inside the pool hall portion of the business and lit a fire under it. The fire was contained in a large metal box that was sitting on two 4x4's upon the tan, cigarette burnt carpeting.

The front door was open to vent the smoke, so he knew that everyone would be fine. Besides, the roaring fire inside the pool hall did give off precious heat to the many patrons gathered there for the Thanksgiving feast.

When the fire was hot, and the oil bubbling, Vickie Douschebagger brought the ten turkeys on a cart that she rolled across the dance floor. Phillip carefully places the first turkey in the boiling barrel of oil and saw that it was good. Just then, the phone rang, and Vickie Douschebagger went to answer it. It seems that by the time the second turkey was carefully placed into the boiling oil, Phillip Douschebagger decided that it was safe to put more in.

Vickie Douschebagger called from behind the bar that the phone call was for Phillip, so he proceeded to heft the tray of 8 remaining turkeys and dumped them into the 55 gallon drum of cooking oil at one time.

That was his first mistake.

As he sat the tray aside and moved toward the phone, Phillip Douschbagger hadn't noticed that the oil was now pouring over the side of the barrel and oozing down toward the roaring fire. Of course, he also didn't notice the flames shooting toward the ceiling tiles. They caught fire quickly, and the entire ceiling of the pool hall/pub was engulfed.

At that very moment, Vickie Douschebagger noticed that most of the patrons were running toward the door, leaving in a hurry. Vickie grabbed the fire extinguisher and ran toward the fire while Phillip talked to his buddy, Clyde Worthleston of Hooter Heights on the cell phone. While talking on the phone, with his back to the roaring fire, Phillip Douschebagger noticed that the gas valve behind the beer cooler was slightly open.

While reaching down to grab a beer, Phillip propped the cell phone against his ear and turned the gas valve... The wrong way.

That was his second mistake.

The gas ignited and blew the front windows, and most of the patrons of the bar that were still sitting at the bar, awaiting their free Thanksgiving dinner. Vickie Douschebagger was hurled out of the open door and landed in a water puddle in the parking lot, as it was raining outside pretty steadily. She looked over to see her husband, Phillip, sitting inside the front windshield of a '71 Camero that was parked across the street. In one hand he held the cell phone, and the other he held a bottle of Schitts Beer.

By this time, the entire pool hall and pub was in flames. The pool tables,their nice green felt now a burning mass of material, burned to the ground quickly.... As did the building.

By the time the Buzzardbait Fire Department and Bait Shop arrived, there was not much left of the business but a half-burnt Schitts Beer sign, and the falling ash of the pool hall/pub. Smoke hung low in the driving rain, so it was hard to see the damage until it had burnt itself out, which the fire department allowed it to do. They couldn't get the fire hydrant opened, and decided that the rain would put out the fire for them.

Phillip Douschebagger's third and final mistake came when he finally managed to get himself free of the Camero's windshield. As he stumbled across the road, where visibility was down to near zero, he didn't see the tandem gravel truck due to the smoke-coverage.

Phillip Douschebagger was taken to Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, where he's currently in traction. Since his jaw is wired shut, he had no comment for us at this time.

Vickie Douschebagger, who suffered cuts and abrasions from the blast, decided that she was leaving Phillip after 30 years of marriage, and will join a commune somewhere in Colorado. She had no further comment on the incident.

No word if the pool hall/pub will be rebuilt.