A Special Report from The Curious Urinal - What They Say and What They Really Mean.
We at The Curious Urinal from time to time like to inform you, the readers, that sometimes you have to sift through what the advertisers say to get to the bottom of what they really are saying. So, as a public service, here's a sample of What They Say and What They Really Mean.
What They Say:
Fred's Lawn Service is your one-stop lawn service in Buzzardbait. Fred's Lawn Service is locally owned and operated and can handle even the toughest grass out there. Our state of the art mowers are equipped with the latest technology, so we can easily service your hard-to-mow lawn with ease. Our rates are competitive and we can be at your home anytime of the day or week.
So, call Fred's Lawn Service when you're ready to stop mowing that yard yourself! Our state of the art messaging system allows us to handle you calls 24/7. The number to call is number is Buzzardbait 5741.
What They Really Mean:
Fred's Lawn Service is your one-stop lawn service in Buzzardbait (since we are the only lawn service in Buzzardbait - especially after old man Paxton, owner of Paxton's Lawn Care, ran off with Wilma Waddleson and sold his mowers so he could pay for the airplane tickets to Vegas).
Fred's Lawn Service is locally owned and operated (because Fred lives here, and not up in Lousyville, like the rest of them fancy lawn service guys) and can handle even the toughest grass out there (so long as it's not full of dog crap, as Fred is allergic to dog crap).
Our state of the art mowers (they have blades) are equipped with the latest technology (they run on gas), so we can easily service your hard-to-mow lawn with ease (although Elmer Emmerson's yard was a bit tough to cut as it had a rabid squirrel attacking Fred every time he came near the old oak tree the squirrel was hanging out in).
Our rates are competitive (since we have no competition in Buzzardbait, we can say that and charge you more than those fancy Lousyville lawn service guys charge - and what are you gonna do about it, huh?) and we can be at your home anytime of the day or week (except for the weekends, because Fred likes to go fishing and get drunk with his friends, or spend time over at Big Al's Titty Emporium, stuffing dollar bills in the G-Strings of the girls. Oh, Mondays aren't a good day for Fred, since he's usually hung over from the weekend. Friday's aren't good either, since Fred starts drinking around 9 a.m., so he's not trustworthy around moving equipment - Ask Norma Littleson, because she'll tell you that Fred ran over her cat and spattered cat chunks all over her front porch - and yes, the cat was on the porch at the time of the accident).
So, call Fred's Lawn Service when you're ready to stop mowing that yard yourself (unless you need him to do it right away, then you might want to do it yourself, as Fred's probably laying drunk somewhere at the moment). Our state of the art messaging system (Fred went out and bought a used answering machine at a yard sale a couple of weeks ago) allows us to handle you calls 24/7 (Just don't call after 6 p.m. or before 9 a.m. as Fred is apt to pick up the phone and cuss you for waking him up. And whatever you do, don't call while Roller Derby or Wrestling is on, because Fred has a tendency to cuss people out during those shows too).
The number to call is number is Buzzardbait 5741(Fred is using the old phone system because he's too cheap to spring for a rotary dial phone).
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