The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/20/2011

IS TOMORROW THE
END OF THE WORLD?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

According to Harold Camping, a minister that has once before set a date for the end of life as we know it on Earth (and was wrong), has once again set a date for the coming of Doomsday here on Earth. Even though there have been dozens of failed End of the World predictions, the latest one claims it will happen this coming Saturday, May 21st.

A few Las Vegas odds makers are making a 2-1 bet that May 22 will be here as scheduled and that the apocalyptic preacher is wrong again.

But according to Ruby Highchitter of Hooter Heights, she believes that tomorrow is the end of the world. "I've got my bags packed, gas in the car, and I'll be heading to the mountains. So when it happens, I'll be closer to the action."

Charlie Fishodor of Poon Point also believes. "I hope so. I can't take any more political ads! God, let the suffering end!"

Lester Hornswaggle over in Aureole Acres agrees. "With the shape this country is in, and the douchbags in Washington sticking it to us at every turn, I hope it ends! Maybe gas will be cheaper then too."

Of course, there are doubters among us.

Take Oliver Closeoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner, who said, "Anyone that believes that crap should have their heads examined." When asked what he was planning on doing if he was wrong, Closeoff stated, "I'll be fishing over at Stinking Creek Pay Lake, so if the end of the world does come, I suppose that I'll be sitting lakeside with a cold Schitts Beer and listening to Willy on the radio. It could be worse. I could be sitting in traffic listening to Lady Gaga."

Lydia Mufburger isn't looking for the end to happen. "It better not be the end of the world, otherwise my ex-husband will get away with not paying his alimony!"

Even local Bluesman, Milo Days, had something to say about the subject. While on stage at the Strike and Suds last night, someone in the audience asked him if he was planning on being on stage this Saturday night after the end of the world?

Milo, sitting on a stool with his guitar in his lap, said, "Cracker, if the world ends Saturday, then you'll find me laying on a cloud up in Heaven. I'll have my guitar in one hand and a bottle of Dingleberry Wine in the other. Otherwise, I'll be right here again Saturday playing my hits and drinkin' me some wine!" He then proceeded to play one of his hits, 'Big Breastesses Woman Blues' to a cheering crowd.

But then, there is the Reverend Dave Dollar of the Church of Some Guy named Dave, located on the corner of 4th and Main in downtown Buzzardbait, who says, "Harold Camping is the president of Family Stations, and he says that he figured out the date from signs in the Bible.
Now, of course, the Bible tells us about the Second Coming, but in that very same chapter, Jesus warns about all of these so-called false prophets. Now, some say I'm one of those false Prophets, but I'm not out preaching the end of the world like Rev. Camping is. I'm preaching about the end of the world by aliens that come here and zap everyone with bubble gum guns and steal cheerleaders to take to Mars!"

So, is the end of the world coming, or is it going to end on 12/21/12? Is the preacher going to be wrong again, or will he be right and make the Mayans out to be liars? And what about all of the other predictions that people have made over the centuries about when the world would end. All have obviously been wrong.

Even our Boss here at the CU said, "The Bible says, 'But of that day and hour knoweth no man. No, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.'" He then went on to say, "Now if the angels don't know, how the heck is anyone else going to be know that May 21, or any other day, is the end of the world? Freakin' idiots!"

As for the rest of us here at the Curious Urinal, if the world does end, we will probably not be putting out any more online newspaper, as the readership might not be there. Otherwise, we'll be back again next week and bring you more of what you've come to expect from Buzzardbait's only online newspaper... Either way, you won't be missing much.