A Special Memorial Day Weekend Edition
Local Real Estate Firm Hires New Agent
When times are tough, only the tough get going. Anita Mann knows this for a fact. When she first started in the real estate game, she understood that when times are good, they're very good, but when times are bad, the toughest hang in there when the rest go off to other career's.
When Buzzardbait Realtors found the lean times come upon them, they struggled as agent after agent left the business in search of a steady paycheck. But after two years of down markets and no paychecks, they found Anita Mann.
You may remember Anita Mann from the reality show 'Desperate HouseHo's' on The Phobia Channel a few years back. She was the champion house flipper that could turn a two-room shanty into a $500,000 dream home.
Now, living here in Buzzardbait, she went to Buzzardbait Realtors with a challenge: Hire me or lose your business. They choose to hire her.
She first sold the old McMeany Estate, complete with its hog processing barn and sinkhole full of old car tires and hog bones for the incredible price of $200,000 to Home Improvement Headquarters, INC. They proceeded to build the 50,000 sq, foot mega center full of light bulbs and lumber, putting both Ben's Light Bulb Co. and Ernie's Lumber Yard out of business in days.
When Home Improvement Headquarters went bankrupt three months later, and after the looting of the building took place, Anita Mann resold the property to Mississippi Food Marts, LLC for $350,000. Mississippi Food Mart then put Buzzardbait Super Market out of business. When the angry crowds burned Mississippi Food Mart to the ground, Anita Mann once again sold the property to Consolidated Cybernetics Cooperation of America for $400,000 and within weeks, the burnt-out shell of the old food mart was revamped into the state of the art Monkey Nuts Cereal Plant, closing the old plant down the road.
Anita Mann then sold that abandoned property to the McMeany Brothers Hog Farm Company for $100,000 and earned a reputation as a wheeler dealer.
Unfortunately, the McMeany Brothers began fighting amongst themselves and the hog farm was turned into a tobacco-flavored cumquat farm that was leased to their father, Old Man McMeany, whom everyone thought to be dead. He currently has 10,000 acres of tobacco-flavored cumquats growing outside the building once inhabited by Monkey Nuts Cereal and is renting the building out to his sons to live in at $10,000 a month.
As For Anita Mann, she is looking for that next big sale, so if you have a home or business you wish to sell, Anita Mann is looking for you!
Meanwhile, Across The Pond:
President Obama continues to break with tradition and protocol this week as he stumbled through a toast to the Queen of England, while speaking over their National Anthem, God Save the Queen. The queen was not amused and accidentally poured a glass of champagne into the lap of the president. The Secret Service wrestled the queen to the ground and had her arrested for threatening the president.
Later, he had a student arrested for beating him at a game of Ping Pong. But what set him over the top was his drinking beer in Ireland while wearing a Lucky Charms outfit while rapping Danny Boy with the help of DJ Mick.
Asked whether having the president of the United States sitting in their pub made them happy, one Irishman by the name of Patrick O'Mally said, "We're sitting here drinking with that American Chap and he thinks he's cool. Wait till we get him drunk, then we'll take that rap of his and shove it..."
A Secret Service member wrestled the man to the ground and had him arrested for threatening the president.
And now, here's your Horoscopes:
1. ARIES - The Liar
(the Ram - 21 March--19 April)
* Outgoing, usually to a bar or liquor store.
* Lovable, but only to their mama's and they could be lying too.
* Spontaneous, so long as it's planned.
* Not one to mess with, especially with a chainsaw or heavy equipment.
* Funny, especially when they are telling crude bathroom humor to you minister.
* EXCELLENT kisser, but tends to try to tongue kiss your father.
* EXTREMELY adorable, according to them.
* Loves relationships, so long as he/she are paid for their services.
* Addictive, or addicted, whichever comes first.
* Loud, especially when you drop an iron on their foot.
2. TAURUS - The Tramp
(the Bull - 20 April--20 May)
* Aggressive, unless it means they have to break a sweat.
* Loves being in long relationships, especially when the other person is in prison.
* Likes to give a good fight for what they want, most notably at mealtime.
* Extremely outgoing, and also dresses up in frilly lingerie when going to a bar.
* Loves to help people in times of need, unless there's a football game on, then tough titty, kitty.
* Good kisser, especially to the bosses ass.
* Good personality, if you like dull.
* A stubborn but caring person, otherwise known as a well-meaning asshole.
* One of a kind, and thank God for that because two of them would drive you bananas.
* Not one to mess with, especially when they haven't bathed in weeks.
* Usually are the most attractive people... When looking at themselves in a mirror.
3. GEMINI - Irresistible
(the Twins - 21 May--21 June)
* Nice, and usually easy to pick-up in a supermarket.
* Love is one of a kind, but lust lasts a weekend.
* Great listener, as long as it's them talking.
* Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out with a baseball bat if they have to, buddy!
* Trustworthy, except with money, other peoples boy/girlfriends, and church tithing's
* Always happy, especially when stoned.
* Loud in bed.
* Talkative in bed.
* Outgoing in bed.
* VERY Forgiving while in bed.
* Loves to make friends, or make-out with friends in bed.
* Has a beautiful smile, if they actually floss.
* Generous with other people's money.
* Strong odor.
* The irresistible one, according to themselves.
4. CANCER - The Cutie
(the Crab - 22 June--22 July)
* Most AMAZING kisser...Very high sex appeal, especially when drinking cheap wine in the backseat of a '72 Rambler station wagon with tinted windows.
* Love is one of a kind, but lust will do if that's all they can get.
* Very romantic, especially when they're by themselves.
* Most caring person you will ever meet, so long as you don't mind listening to them bitch about their last date, who can be found buried in their backyard.
* Extremely random and proud of it, and don't you forget it, asshole.
* Freak, super freak and freaking freaky freak... Freak out!
* Spontaneous when it's planned six weeks in advance.
* Great at telling stories/lies to cops when pulled over for speeding.
* Not a fighter, but will knock your lights out if it comes down to it, so don't push em!
* Someone you should hold on to and smear peanut butter on.
5. LEO - The Lion
(the Lion - 23 July--22 August)
* Great talker. They can go on and on for hours and say nothing at all.
* Attractive and passionate to blind people and with small furry animals.
* Laid back, usually at work when the boss isn't around.
* Knows how to have fun. Remember that time when they did the pantie raid at the nunnery?
* Is really good at almost anything, except for those things that are important, like most everything.
* Great kisser. Ask them and they'll tell you.
* Unpredictable. Especially when running naked through the mall, yelling, "Look at me!"* Outgoing, but doesn't like to go out without a posse and plenty of drugs.
* Down to earth, usually after going out with their posse and doing all the drugs.
* Addictive, or addicted to the posse and the drugs.
* Attractive, but not when passed our with vomit and feces all over them after a hard night of binge drinking with the winos down the street.
* Loud, especially when snoring.
* Loves being in long relationships with chipmunks and other small, furry animals.
* Talkative, usually in bed while you're trying to sleep.
* Not one to mess with, because they'll wait till your asleep and then cut off vital sexual organs.
* Rare to find, and a damned good thing to avoid if at all possible.
* Good when found, better when left alone.
6. VIRGO - The One that Waits
(the Virgin - 23 August--22 September)
* Dominant in relationships. Comes complete with whips, chains and leather chaps.
* Someone loves them right now; probably all of your friends, your boss, and the high school football team.
* Always wants the last word. They'll sew your mouth shut in order to get it too!
* Caring, especially about the contents of your wallet.
* Smart, but only when it comes to spending someones money but their own.
* Loud. Like drag racer loud. Annoying as hell. Geez!
* Loyal until someone else comes along.
* Easy to talk to, easy to pick-up at the bar and spend a night at a seedy motel with.
* Everything you ever wanted, so long as you don't want too much.
* Easy to please, so long as you have cash.
* The one and only, and that's a good thing.
7. LIBRA - The Lame One
(the Balance - 23 September--23 October)
* Nice to everyone they meet, especially when being paid to be a greeter at Walmart.
* Their love is one of a kind, but usually three at a time.
* Silly, fun and sweet, and otherwise full of BS.
* Has their own unique sex appeal. They think dressing in dirty underwear and gym socks is sexy chic.
* Most caring person you will ever meet! Man, you're getting screwed on that deal.
* Not the kind of person you want to mess with... They will wait till your asleep and set your bed on fire.
8. SCORPIO - The Addict
(the Scorpion - 24 October--21 November)
* EXTREMELY adorable. Ask them, they'll tell you so.
* Intelligent. Can remember most of their ABC's and can count to 20 using fingers and toes.
* Loves to joke. Especially knock knock jokes that a 3 year old might tell you.
* Very good sense of humor. They usually will laugh at you when you're undressed.
* Energetic. Can shop for hours with your credit card.
* Good kisser, especially to their bosses backside.
* Always get what they want, but screw other people from getting what they want.
* Attractive. They usually bathe and have most of their teeth.
* Easy going. Doesn't care if they look like crap when visiting your family.
* Loves being in long relationships. The longer the better, that way they can nag you for years!
* Talkative. You simply can't get them to shut up for longer than 30 seconds at a time.
* Romantic. Loves to spend hours alone with a dirty magazine and some wet wipes.
* Caring. They care about you so much that they'll tie you to the bed and break your ankles so you'll love them.
9. SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
(the Archer - 22 November--21 December)
* Spontaneous. Has the ability to change their minds 30 times before breakfast.
* High sex appeal. They love sex with multiple partners, so eat your vitamin E and take a number, Bucko.
* Rare to find. Even harder to get rid of once they have you in their clutches.
* Loves being in long relationships with several people in several states.
* So much love to give, not enough time to go through the phone book.
* Not one to mess with. They'll shank you ass before you can move.
* Very attractive. Beauty also hide their 'ugly to the bone' alter-ego.
* Very romantic. Will sleep with anyone that pays them a compliment, or gives them cash.
* Nice to everyone they meet, because they think they might get laid.
* Silly, fun and sweet. Okay, maybe a little too much of each. After a while, it gets sickening.
* Have their own unique appeal. They like to dress in leather hip boots and dance naked in church to Lady Gaga tunes.
* Most caring person you will ever meet! Honestly, they care so much that they get on your last freakin' good nerve.
* Not the kind of person you wanna mess with because you might end up crying. They carry onion juice in a squirt gun, so watch it!
10. CAPRICORN-The Passionate Lover
(the Goat-22 December--19 January)
* Love to bust, and bust to love!
* Nice. Says everything you want to hear... Then when you're asleep, they clean your wallet out and run.
* Sassy. Say something and they will start an argument.
* Intelligent. This actually means smartass.
* Sexy. Likes to dress in rubber and do naughty things with vegetables
* Irresistible. You simply can't think of anything else because they use hypnosis on you to make sure you don't.
* Loves being in long relationships. But beware when they get bored, because they will bolt on you like a greyhound at a dog track.
* Great talker. They talk incessantly and never shut the hell up!
* Always gets what he or she wants. Again, hypnosis is used for that.
* Cool. Hot. They are never satisfied with the temperature.
* Extremely fun. Unless you piss them off.
* Loves to joke. Especially at your expense.
* Smart. They can at least read at a fourth-grade level and can add to ten without taking off their shoes.
11. AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
(the Water Bearer - 20 January--18 February)
* Trustworthy. Just don't leave your wallet/purse lying around.
* Attractive. Prettier in the dark.
* Great kisser. Once practiced on their dead uncle Lester.
* One of a kind. Two of them would be a disaster to the space/time continuum.
* Loves being in long-term relationships. Just don't let them around your friends, as they will try to lay them too.
* Extremely energetic. Can shag all night.
* Unpredictable. You never know what they will say when talking to your parents.
* Will exceed your expectations, so long as you don't have many.
12. PISCES - The Partner for Life
(the Fishes - 19 February--20 March)
* Caring and kind. Usually to invisible friends named Harvey.
* Smart. Knows how to read well enough to find a liquor store.
* Center of attention. Self-centered and proud of it, Bunky!
* Has the last word. Seriously, try talking to them and they keep on talking long after you're done.
* Good to find, hard to keep. And they'll tell you so, too.
* Fun to be around. Really. Especially when they dress in your underwear and run to the neighbors asking for a cup of sex.
* Extremely weird but in a good way. Like the time they drove across town to your house; got out of the car doing a naked 'Happy Dance' while yelling obscenities at your mother.
* Good Sense of Humor. Tells old jokes over and over because that's all they can remember.
* Thoughtful. Why, just yesterday they thought about you while using your credit card to buy porn.
* Always gets what he or she wants. Seriously. They will hold their breath till their face turns blue to get you to buy them something.
* Loves to joke. Unfortunately, they never know when to stop and usually makes you want to commit suicide to get away from them.
* Very popular, especially with midgets and carnies.
This weeks edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by our friends at Dingleberry Wine Company.
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