A Day In The Life Of A Local Rock Star
From Staff Writer Juan Motyme
It's becomes apparent once you walk into the spacious digs of Sami Shagnasty (of Sami Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats) that you have walked into a rock star oasis. Concert posters adorn the walls. There, posters of Elvis, KISS, Lady Gaga and others adorn the walls. Also, there's a poster from the Huckabaloo Concert in Huckleberry, Indiana that she headlined; or the poster of Sami and Milo Days at their latest show in Buzzardbait's Strike and Suds. She and her band opened for Milo, and the photos acknowledge that.
Her photo, and that of her band, are barely noticeable while Milo Days and his guitar take up most of the poster.
And then, there are the Lead Albums* that line the walls in the hallway. Ten of them (it's a small hallway) that signify her contribution to the music industry.(*Lead signifying less than 100 units sold of any given record/CD). But to Sami, it's not about sales, it's about satisfaction.
As I passed these mementos of her success, I entered the spacious living room where Sami is awaiting me.
She was reclined in her Lazy Gal while she noshed on a bologna and onion sandwich and drinking a triple-thick chocolate milkshake. So when I asked her about what drives her to be who she is, Sami replied, “Maw mufix a buug fwakr em...” She chewed quickly and then swallowed. She began again, “My music's a big factor in how I lead my life.” She slurps her milkshake and continues, “I'm just an ordinary woman living an ordinary life!”
At five foot tall, she is a dynamo. At 450 pounds, Sami says that she has to eat alot in order to have the energy she pours into her music. So how does this mega-star live? You might be surprised.
For starts: She sleeps until noon, where she immediately gets up and spends the next 45 minutes in the shower. Another 45 minutes on the toilet followed by another 45 minute shower. After that, she finally gets dressed. Her live-in professional dresser/make-up artist lays out her clothes. Once she chooses what she wants to wear, she allows her dresser/make-up artist to dress her.
After this, she moves to the kitchen, where her private chef, Wolfman Fluke (recently a chef at Chez Vittles, a upscale fried chicken restaurant in Hooter Heights), has prepared her favorite breakfast: 10 eggs (fried) and gravy, pancakes (a stack of thirty) and gravy and a side order of gravy. After breakfast, she has a light brunch of bologna and onion sandwiches (only three), and a triple thick, 72 oz. chocolate shake.
From there, she moves to the living room, where she props herself in a Lay-Z-Girl recliner and has her personal masseuse, Raul, rub her bunions while she picks up her guitar and writes another mega hit.
Three hours later, she is whisked away to the shower, where she spends the next 45 minutes. Once toweled of by Raul, she then heads to the recording studio (located in her basement). Her band (all of whom live in the basement) have been waiting for her to make an appearance so they can be browbeaten by her constant criticism of their feeble talents.
Afterwards, she looks at me and says, “Honestly, I have carried this band for years, but since they are family, I keep them around. I could always dump them and go solo, but I can't really see breaking up the band like that! I'm no Yoko Ono!”
After a 30 minute browbeating session, Sami sings while the browbeaten band backs her up. They keep their eyes lowered in reverence, not wanting to have another cussing session thrown their way (Side note: She can cuss like an artist as well). Sami stops the rehearsal to cuss at them for making her voice sound bad and then throws a few marshmallows into her mouth. “Mah Fwkrs maf mef sund wik schif!” (actual translation not printable here). Withe the rehearsal now over, she storms off to the kitchen to grab herself a snack.
After a snack of three cheese burgers and fried corn, smothered in butter, it's time to head to the bowling alley, where the band is appearing in the lounge nightly.
Once the band and the roadies have everything prepared, Sami makes her triumphant entrance on the stage.
The Strike and Suds is abuzz with excitement. Bowlers are bowling and the people in the lounge are prepared for the show. Both patrons of the lounge nurse their beers while Sami sets up on stage and begins wailing. She goes through her play-list of hits.
After both songs are played, she begins singing hits from other artists until her 30 minutes on stage is over. The two patrons of the lounge applaud wildly as they take the cotton balls from their ears. One patron is overheard saying, “Thank God that's over. Can I get another beer?”
After leaving the gig, she returns home, where Wolfman Fluke has prepared a lite dinner of fried chicken, fried turkey dumplings, a T-bone steak (fried) with sauteed onions, deep-fried lard balls, some fried rice on a bed of Oreos. Also on the menu is a serving of fried Spam, eggs and cheese, a heaping helping of glazed donuts and an extra-large diet cola. "A girl has to watch her figure, ya know." Sami says as she begins feasting.
After dinner, she returns to the shower and then to bed; another day fulfilled.
So, when you think that all rock stars live a blessed life, think of Sami Shagnasty. Your life may not be as glamorous as hers, but at least she is living her dream while you toil and worry about putting gas in you car. So there!
And now a word from one of our sponsors:
Tres Equis Bottling Company, Buzzardbait, KY.
Remember to drink responsibly, but if you can't then drink more Tres Equis!
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