Okay, more shameless promotions going on here today.

This time, it's for another friend of mine (might as well be my little brother). His name is Ray and he owns Serenghetti Guitars. These are not your run-of-the-mill cheapies that you can buy in a pawn shop; nor are they the ordinary fare you can find in the music stores.
These are ONE PIECE, hand-carved guitars that abolutely ROCK! Please check out the site. You can copy/paste to the search thingie (LOL) and have a look. If you're a musician, or know someone who is (and plays the guitar), this is the site you need to check out!

Nuff said

http://www.serenghettiguitars.com/

LOCAL SALES PAGE

THE BIG SALE is going on now at Gettskrewed Motors.

This beauty is sure to fly off the lot. It's a 1975 Chevy Pick-up, White, 2-55 air conditioning, rifle rack, and 327cc engine. It leaks a little oil and smokes a bit, but it's a great truck. Being sacrificed for $2,995.00

This one-owner car is a steal. It's a 1966 Ford Fairlane. Primer gray. It has a bit of rust, and a couple of minor door dings, a caved-in passenger door and crumpled trunk. But it's still one great ride. It needs shocks and a transmission. Priced to sell at $3,495.00!

And what about this beautiful van. It's a '81 Chevy Custom Van. It's great for shopping, family outings, and shagging your old lady out in the wood,. Comes complete with a matress and shag carpeting. Don't mind the musty odor or the urine stains on the mattress. It's fairly clean and ready to drive off the lot - $3,695.00

So come on in to THE BIG SALE – Going on now ar Gettskrewed Motors. On the corner of 5th and Main in Beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait. Open late, till 6 p.m. Nightly for your shopping convenience. And open Saturdays from 9 till Noon.

*********************************************************************************

Jean's Jewelery is having it's first semi-annual Weekend Sale. This Monday and Tuesday from 10 till 5, Everything is 50% off, or half price, whichever is less. So don't delay another day, Come to Jean's Jewelry, located at the corner of Main and 5th. Open Noon till 3 p.m. for you shopping pleasure. And if you act now, Jean will personally place your jewelry into a bag and hand it to you.

***********************************************************************************

Come to Buzzardbait Grocery and Tux Rental this week for great specials.

Monkey Nut Cereal, select varieties (including Strawberry and Liver cheese, Cinnamon and Rat Dropping and Oats and Cardboard flavors). $3.99 per 10 oz box.

Penguin Balls, Those wonderful frozen treats, 3 for $10.00 (comes in Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Meat flavors)

Sludge Cola (including Diet and Extra Thick) $1 per 2 liter.

Skank-Off Deodorant – all scents, $2.99 per 3 oz can.

All varieties of Harry Knuckles Handmade Pizzas (except the popular ones) $3.99 each.

And if you rent a tux for Senior Prom, we'll throw in a 6 oz package of Rhodekil's Hand-packed Country Sausage; made with real raccoon, squirrel and possum meat.

Buzzardbait Grocery and Tux Rental - Located at 5th and Main in Buzzardbait, KY. Your hometown grocery store!


Want Ads

Wanted: Clerk to check out customers at Sheets and Schitts Laundromat and Enema Bar. Must be able to work from 8 a.m. till 5 p.m. And also, looking for enema tech. Contact the Curious Urinal if interested in this position, Attn: Madame Tangytush.

Ditch Digger – Must be able to use a shovel and not afraid to get dirty. Apply in person at Buzzardbait Ditch Digging Company. Corner of Main and 5th. Ask for Lumpy.

Looking for great pay and better hours? Then you need to look elsewhere. But we're hiring anyway. Must be able to lift 50 pounds repeatedly for twelve hours at a shift, five days a week. Pays minimum wage; no benefits and you're prone to be laid-off at a moments notice. Must like animals. Apply at Buzzardbait Zoo and Exotic Steak House. Come to the elephant cage and grab a shovel.

Needing 5 sharp people to start immediately. Great pay, excellent benefits. Must be able to walk door to door and smile while hocking Nervous Eddie's Miracle Sex Toys. Commission only. Must be available to work weekends, holidays and have the ability to demonstrate the usage of the toys without reservations. No ugly people need apply. Contact The Curious Urinal for details. Attn: Madame Tangytush

Large Problem For Local Woman Solved

Buzzardbait resident, LaBamba LaDousche's chest grew to a gigantic N cup after she took a new medication, Corpsedia, seven months ago — leaving her unable to move for nearly six months.

"It was awful," she said. "If I tried to get up I would faint because my breasts were so big, heavy and floppy. It was a nightmare! Being bed-ridden for so long was not easy, but my neighbors all helped out. Especially Tom, Harry, Richard, Lester, Oliver and Charlie, who kept coming over to adjust them, and leaving $20 bills on the nightstand thereafter. They were real lifesavers. And also, a special thanks to Linda over at the Elderly Dykes Home, for bringing the ladies over to rub lotion on them to keep them moist."

LaDousche, 29, who lives in the Aureole Acres Trailer Park, was finally helped when local businessman, Albert “Big Al” Boobpenchant, owner of Big Al's Titty Emporium, paid for her breast reduction surgery.

Doctor Phil Eweup, of the Buzzardbait Clinic and Oil and Lube Center, believes she was suffering from a rare condition known as Gigantomastia, also known as Gigantittyitis, which is characterized by excessive breast growth that may occur spontaneously during puberty, pregnancy, or while taking certain medications. This was also verified by the Buzzardbait Department of Health and Other Stuff Not Covered By Another Agency.

Dr. Eweup performed the 8 hour operation, where nearly 40 pounds of excess flesh was removed. The breast matter was then placed into a vacuum-sealed container, and will be on display at Big Al's Titty Emporium in the Hall of Fame display case.

Editors note: Since Ms. LaDousche was unemployed with no health insurance, Big Al has offered her a job to help her out. She will be appearing nightly at Big Al's Titty Emporium. There's no charge for parking. Also, the cover charge is $5, with a two drink minimum.


Beautiful Women can be bad for your health

A racing pulse and sweaty palms are well known as the signs of instant attraction. But research has shown that, for men (and some women, if you happen to swing that way) five minutes spent alone with a beautiful woman causes so much stress, it may be bad for the heart.

“The effects are worst for men,” noted scientist, Seymore Butz, claims. “Not only on the heart, but also the wallet. Men tend to spend more money on attractive women than ugly ones.”

Dr. Butz goes on to say, “The anxiety rate of those men is similar to jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft. Their cortisol levels can rise even higher, bringing on the possibility of a heart attack.

The University of Buzzardbait paid 8 male students to take part in an experiment that measured their cortisol levels before and after they had been left alone with an attractive woman. Thereafter, the same group of men were placed in the same room with an ugly woman. There were only minor bouts of nausea in that tests group; and in one case, a marriage proposal. But after the beer buzz subsided, the proposal was recended.


Correction

Due to incorrect information received from the Ammo County Court Clerks office, Daphne Gropeme, 38, of Beaver Lick was incorrectly listed as being arrested and fined for prostitution in an earlier edition of The Curious Urinal. The charge should have been listed as failure to stop fully at a stop sign. We apologize for the error.

Water main break puts hundreds without water

Ethel Wizenheimer of the Buzzardbait Water and Sewer Commission said that currently the water main break near the Sludge Cola Bottling Company is not really that big of a deal. "There are only 900 people affected right now out of 1,350 residents, so those whiners just need to shut up and be patient."

The disruption in service is the latest problem that Buzzardbait has had to deal with this past weekend. Record rainfall mixed with the tourists from Lousyville's Kentucky Derby created a mess that County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closoff called "A perfect storm of problems that we simply did not need!"

The three people that came to Buzzardbait after the Derby created a problem, as they stopped at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes and ordered espresso coffee with soy milk. Greasy Louie had to toss them out, losing nearly $3.50 in revenue.

We asked about the water main break and what precautions needed to be taken. Ethel Wizenheimer suggested, "Go to the store, buy some frickin' bottled water and deal with it!" When asked how long the disruption of service would last, Ms. Wizenheimer replied, "Whenever we get around to fixing it, then we'll let you know!"

Until the crisis has abated, residents are asked to not try to do laundry, cook, clean, wash your car or tractor, irrigate, or flush the toilets until further notice.

One resident, Ms. Jean Mofocastanski of Downtown Buzzardbait said, "This is just freakin' great. You can't flush the damned terlots. It's a bad day to have the squirts, I can tell you that!"

Miss Anita Fuzzenbush is a highly regarded forth grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School and Flea Market.

In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Friday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics, ranging from Arithmetic to Spelling.

One of the questions read:

LIST THE FOUR SEASONS:

1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________

75% of the students gave the following answer?

1. DEER SEASON
2. RABBIT SEASON
3. TOBACCO-FLAVORED CUMQUAT SEASON
4. BASKETBALL SEASON

You've got to be proud of our students!

And speaking of School:

Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Senior Dance on May 28th. This years theme is Thank God We're Outta There!

Chaperone's are requested to attend this year dance as the. The high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers that chaperoned last years dance. Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait last year will also note that over 80% of the graduating seniors missed graduation day due to the bail hearings.

If you wish to be one of the Dance Chaperone's, the requirements include: Being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds, as some of our students are fairly good sized.

Benefits include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance).

Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.

A special Derby Day Edition of The Curious Urinal

Pending Lawsuit over Botched Butt Lift

Erma Hyrump of Coochie Crest, just south of Poon Point, is suing Dr . Phil Eweup of the Buzzardbait Clinic and Lube and Oil Center for a botched butt lift. Mrs. Hyrump claims that her lift has been totally destroyed due to the failed surgery.
She claims that while visiting family, Mrs. Hyrump was too embarrassed to have her face shown in any family photos due to the surgery that has left her disfigured.
A spokesperson from the Buzzardbait Clinic portion of the business claimed that they knew nothing of any lawsuits and did not comment further, except to say that they were having a special on Front end alignments and boob jobs this week.
This photo was submitted by Mrs Hyrump. You be the judge.















And in other news

A rainy Kentucky Derby is expected.
With the looming thunderstorms in the forcast, Churchill Downs is expecting a soggy Kentuck Derby. But the crowds are not worried, as the Fastest 2 Minutes in Sports could last even longer with a muddy track expected to slow the race down.




Some of the crowd waiting in line to get insode the infield for the Kentucky Derby

Happy Friday to all. Since it's Serial Day, I'm doing a Twofer... If you like these, click on an ad... If not, click on all of them LOL. Thanks.

Episode 2

Space . . . The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Entercourse. Its ongoing mission, to seek out new life and new alien titty bars. To boldly come where no man had gone before!
(cue cheesy theme music)
STAR TREXXX

Captains log, Stardate: 36-24-36.1...
We are on a mission to Seta Alpha Damya to investigate an incident there. So far, we haven’t been able to communicate with anyone on the planet.


Capt. Squirt: Mr. Splotch?

Mr. Splotch: Yes, Captain?

Capt. Squirt: What can you tell me about the planet?

Mr. Splotch: Well, it’s round; it has clouds and really funny looking aliens on it.

Capt. Squirt: Very insightful. (Turning to communications) Oldhora?

Oldhora: Yeah, baby?

Capt. Squirt: Anything to report?

Oldhora: Well, I have a runner in my pantyhose and I need to go pee!

Capt. Squirt: Dismissed. (He watches Oldhora enter the turboshaft) Mr. Jacoff?

Mr. Jacoff: Aye, Capteen?

Capt. Squirt: Are the weapons ready?

Mr. Jacoff: I could ask them if you’d like, but they never seem to answer me when I ask.

Capt. Squirt: I see. (Turning back to Splotch) Anything happening out there?

Mr. Splotch: Currently, there are several native fowl shitting on the hull.

Capt. Squirt: Have a detail go clean that up.

Mr. Splotch: Captain, if I might venture an idea?

Capt. Squirt: What is it?

Mr. Splotch: An idea? Well it’s a thought that...

Capt. Squirt: Your idea, Splotch. What is your idea?

Mr. Splotch: I seem to recall a starship wash just three lightyears to our left when we entered this system

Capt. Squirt: Executive thinking, Mr. Splotch.

(Just then, Dr, Lemard ‘Boner’ MyToy entered the bridge)

Dr. MyToy: Now you wait just one damned minute, Captain Sir. It’s one thing to prepare for war, and another thing to prepare for war!

Capt. Squirt: Uh, yes. Point taken, Boner!

Dr. MyToy: In that case, I’ll retire to the bar for a drink.

Mr. Jacoff: Capteen, I’m picking up enema wessels.

Capt. Squirt: Enema wessels? Oh, enemy vessels!

Mr. Jakoff: That’s what I said!

Capt. Squirt: Evasive maneuvers.

Oldhora: Captain, baby. I have the head of planetary security on the line.

Capt. Squirt: On screen.

(The view screen is suddenly filled with a face of a very ugly alien)

Capt. Squirt: Holy shit! Is that your face or did someone need to take a crap?

Alien: You will leave this planet immediately.

Capt. Squirt: I’m Captain Slim T. Squirt. By whose authority do you speak?

Alien: Huh?

Capt: Squirt: Who’s your boss?

Alien: Ah, That would be Magagagastagawaga.

Capt. Squirt: (looking toward Splotch) I thought that was a Clingox VD?

Alien: You dare insult the Great Magagagastagawaga?

Capt. Squirt: Only if he insults me!

Alien: He insulted you? How dare he!

Capt. Squirt: Yeah!

Alien: Wait, I’m confused!

Capt. Squirt: And I’m Captain Slim T. Kirk.

Will Captain Squirt avoid a hostile confrontation? Will the alien figure out what’s going on? And will healthcare reform actually make you sick? These and other questions will be answered next time on Star Trexxx!


And now, Since it's a twofer Friday... Here's another semi-exciting episode.

Episode 3

Space . . . The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Entercourse. Its ongoing mission, to seek out new life and new alien titty bars. To boldly come where no man had gone before!
(cue cheesy space-like music)
STAR TREXXX

Captains log, supplemental - After making contact with the ugly alien, we were given coordinates to beam down to meet with their leader, Magagagastagawaga.

Capt. Squirt: Phazers on stun, keep your eyes open.

Mr. Splotch: Who are you talking to, Captain?

Capt. Squirt: (Looking around) I thought I was beaming down with armed troops?

Mr. Splotch: Starfleeter Regulation 22: When the captain tells you he’s beaming down, then under no circumstances does anyone go without the expressed written permission of Starfleeter Command, in triplicate, and we must wait six to eight weeks for a response.

Captain Squirt: By the books as always, you pointed-eared moron!

Mr. Splotch: Need I remind the captain that I am a Vulpan. Moron’s have three legs and a tendency to drool out their anus.

Capt. Squirt: I stand corrected! Well, I suppose I could go this alone. I haven’t had a fight with an alien species since my cadet days.

Mr. Splotch: It would be logical to forewarn you of the dangers of beaming directly into a hostile situation, Captain. Starfleeters Regulation 69 expressly mandates that the captain be accompanied by the first officer, in which case I should come along.

Capt. Squirt: Yes, I’m well aware of the protocols, Splotch, but you remember the last time you accompanied me on an away mission?

Mr. Splotch: I do not seem to recall ever going on any away missions with you, Sir.

Capt. Squirt: That’s because you drank a fifth of Rumulan Ale and passed out. You were asleep for three freakin’ days!

Mr. Splotch: Ah, yes. That was when my ass was sore when I had awakened.

Capt. Squirt: Don’t look at me. You’re not my type!

Mr. Splotch: I may have to ask Dr. MyToy about that. You know he’s always up my ass about something!

Capt. Squirt: Yes. In the meantime, beam me down, Splotchy!

(The whirl of energy dematerializes the captain, and transports him to the assigned coordinates... In the middle of an alien titty bar)

Alien: Captain Squirt. You’re right on time.

Capt. Squirt: For what?

Alien: Happy hour!

Capt. Squirt: Far out! But, in the meantime, take me to your leader!

Alien: Wow, that’s so cliche!

Capt. Squirt: I have a lousy writer.

Alien: So I’ve noticed.

(The alien led the captain to the leader of the planet)

Capt. Squirt: Magagagastagawaga, I presume?

Maga: Just call me Maga, Captain. Please have a drink.

Capt. Squirt: Tequilla.

(The bartender hands the captain his drink)

Maga: So, I take it you received my message?

Capt. Squirt: Starfleeter got your requests, yes. I was sent here to investigate the incident and report back to command with my findings.

Maga: And what have you found out thus far?

Capt. Squirt: Well, so far, I have found a planet full of ugly aliens and a distaste for buggery. And I also discovered that congress cannot seem to read the laws they pass!

Maga: I see. So you can help with our troubles then?

Capt. Squirt: On one condition.

Maga: What would that be?

Capt. Squirt: You turn loose of my leg and get your tentacles off my ass.

Maga: But I thought you might be interested in some extraterrestrial lovin’... Was I mistaken?

Capt. Squirt: Uh, are you a female?

Maga: Of course, silly goose!

Capt. Squirt: Your place or mine?

Will Captain Squirt go above and beyond the call of duty to strengthen ties between Earth and Seta Alpha Damya. Will he be able to take care of business despite his distaste for buggery? And will Congress ever read the laws they pass? Tune in again next week for another episode of Star Trexxx!

It's time once again for... Too Incredibly Freakin' Stupid News

No Toys with my Happy Meal?
(source ABC News) - County officials in Santa Clara, CA, the home of Silicon Valley, are trying to curb childhood obesity. They voted Tuesday to ban restaurants from giving away toys and other freebies that often come with high-calorie meals aimed at kids.
The ordinance is largely symbolic as it would only cover unincorporated areas of Santa Clara County, meaning only about a dozen fast-food outlets and several other family-owned restaurants would be affected.
The ordinances chief sponsor says it's still important because it paves the way for other areas to act, may spur action by fast-food chains to offer healthier choices and can help parents by taking away a child's incentive for wanting less healthy food.

Okay, let me get this straight... Happy meals and other child meals can't have toys or goodies? What the hell is wrong with those people? Half the time the kids are too preoccupied with the toys to eat the food you have to buy to get it. It makes the kids happy and the parents a little less frazzled.
I know... One in four children in this country are obese. Well, I don't think a little plastic toy is the cause of it, nor the 'Children's Menu' choices at the fast food restaurants. It is the freakin video games that the kids are allowed to play for hours on end, sitting on the couch without any exercise (with exception to maybe their thumbs). How about making PE classes mandatory in schools? How about mom and dad limiting the time the kids can play the video games, and make them go outside and play for a change? How about someone in California using some freakin' common sense... Wait, most everyone with common sense has since left California with their Draconian taxes and ignorant, 'I know what's good for you' politicians. This country is going to hell fast with high unemployment, even higher taxes, and our so-called leaders are telling us we can't have salt, or the kids can't have a freakin' toy with their happy meal? I think it's time to vote a bunch of these idiots out of office before we're all forced to eat bean sprouts and tofu!

Actress Upset over Global Warming Sceptics
(source Fox News) - Since global warming has become a hotly debated topic recently, as many people are now questioning whether it is an issue worthy of serious concern or whether it’s simply a marketing term concocted by “green” companies to boost their profile and profits..
But Brooke Shields is concerned about the skepticism against global warming is Hollywood.
“It all upsets me because I feel like we keep losing sight of simpler, smaller things,” Shields stated. “I don’t know what is true or not, I only know what I can do on a daily basis because I believe in it. Whether I am turning the water off in between brushing my teeth, which my little daughter is the police of, or I am recycling, or switching my products or using an energy saving washing machine…. I just have to do the best that I can do and keep doing more.”

Hey Brooke, Saint Al Gore is a lying sack of bovine biomass (that's the politically correct term for bullshit!). The scientists have fudged the data so much to show global warming where none exist. It’s the weather! It changes from year to year. It’s been happening since day one on this planet and will continue to change long after your 15 minutes of fame (which has long past expired, by the way) comes to an end. If you like to conserve, great. But don’t fall prey to the Green Goblins out there telling you that the sky is falling! You graduated from Princeton, so you should be intelligent enough to know the truth from a lie!

Mt. Ararat Ark site?
(source Yahoo News) - A team of Chinese and Turkish evangelical explorers believe that they have found the remains of the Biblical artifact, Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat. Wood from the site has been carbon-dated and it is apparently 5,800 years old, corresponding to the time of the Great Flood in the Bible.

After investigating their findings, the team went into a large holding area where they found the skeletal remains of two Unicorns still chained to a post. One of the scientists was overheard stating, “Well, that answered that question!”

Apple Needs to Do More to Keep Porn off iPhones, Watchdog Group Says
(source Fox News) - The "Dirty Fingers Screen Wash" application is just one of a host of apps pulled from iTunes for inappropriate material. But some argue that Apple hasn't gone far enough.
A socially conservative media watchdog group says a wealth of pornographic apps are currently available for iPhone users.

Currently though, there is no apps available for Naked Sheep, Midget Cheerleaders or Dykes on Bikes!

New Law: It's Illegal to be Illegal!
(source Fox News) - The Mexican government has officially warned its citizens to use extreme caution if visiting Arizona because of a tough new law that requires all immigrants and visitors to carry U.S.-issued documents or risk arrest.
Community Organizer in Chief, Barack Obama, also criticized the law, saying it could lead to harassment of Hispanics, and he called for bipartisan support to fix America's broken immigration system. Two senior officials in his government said the Arizona law may face a legal challenge by federal authorities.

Sounds to me like the state of Arizona has pissed off Mexico City and Washington DC at the same time by making illegal immigration ‘illegal!’ Obama should be worried as someone isn't blindly following his lead to allow as many new undocumented Democrat voters into the country before the November mid-term elections.

Australian restaurant hit with fine
The 'Thai Spice Restaurant' was levied a fine after employees refused to let a blind man inside because they thought his guide dog was a gay dog. The Equal Opportunity Tribunal ruled that the restaurant in Adelaide must pay the dogs owner, Ian Jolly, almost $1,400 for barring him from eating because of confusion about the sexuality of his guide dog, Nudge.
Thai Spice owners Hong Hoa Thi To and Anh Hoang Le say trouble arose when one of the waiters misunderstood a request. They claim an employee struggled to understand Jolly’s partner, Chris Lawrence, who has a thick Australian accent, believing Lawrence "to be saying she wanted to bring a gay dog into the restaurant" -- not a guide dog.

That’s the problem with Thai restaurants in Australia... No one can understand a damned thing anyone says. G’day mates.

Happy Friday to all. It's the day that you've been waiting for. It's the launch of Serial Day. And the best part is that you get to vote on whether you like it or not. Here's how. If you like the episode, simply vote for it by clicking on an ad (and you can also comment too). If you don't like it, simply click on two ads. It's that easy!

Okay, without further ado, here it is...

Episode 1

Space . . . The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Entercourse. Its ongoing mission, to seek out new life and new alien titty bars. To boldly come where no man had gone before!
(cue cheesy theme music)

STAR TREXXX

Captains log, Stardate: 36-24-36...
We are on a mission to Seta Alpha Damya to investigate an incident there.

Capt. Squirt: Mr. Sploch, what is our ETA?

Mr. Sploch: According to the data I have available, I cannot make a determination at this time.

Capt. Squirt: You can’t venture a guess?

Mr. Sploch: I could, but it seems I’m missing a page from my script.

Capt. Squirt: I see. See if you can locate it then. (Turning toward communications) Oldhora?

Oldhora: What you want, baby?

Capt. Squirt: See if you can arouse the locals on the communicator.

Oldhora: Okay.(purring into the mic)Hey baby, anyone want to party out there?

Capt. Squirt: Not like that!

Oldhora: Sorry.I thought you wanted me to have some fun.

Mr. Jacoff: Capteen, I is picking up wery strange readings.

Capt. Squirt: Explain yourself, Mister.

Mr. Jacoff: The scope shows a wery large planet directly ahead.

Capt. Squirt: On screen

The planet filled the view screen. Birds are flying out of the way of the ship. Several airplanes barely missed the starship as it had encroached into the atmosphere.

Capt. Squirt: Looks like we’ve arrived. Standard orbit, Mr. Solo.

Mr. Solo: I have my hands full right now, Captain.

Capt. Squirt: Well, stop beating that thing and grab onto the yoke. Bring us about and whatever else you do.

Mr. Solo: Yes, Captain.

Capt. Squirt: Engineering?

Mr. Scotch: Aye, Cap’n.

Capt. Squirt: What is you status?

Mr. Scotch: Currently I’m sloshed and about to fall down; my feet hurt and I have a case of the squirts.

Capt. Squirt: Negative. I need you to bring shields to full and prepare for warped drive.

Mr. Scotch: But Cap’n, the ship, she can no stand the strain... Nor my poor stomach for that matter!

Capt. Squirt: I need all the power you can muster, Mister.

Mr. Scotch: Aye, you babbling bag of wind!

Capt. Squirt: I heard that!

Mr. Scotch: Dammit, how do you turn this thing off? Oh, there’s the button right ther... (Click)

Mr. Splotch: Captain, I have now located the planet. It seems we are currently in its atmosphere.

Capt. Squirt: No shit, Sherlock!

Mr. Splotch: Well, I just found the damned missing page.

Capt. Squirt: Try to keep up, will ya? (Slapping the comm) Sick bay?

Dr. MyToy: Yes, Slim?

Capt. Squirt: Doctor, I need you to prepare for wounded.

Dr. MyToy: Dammit, Slim, I’m a doctor, not a housekeeper!

Capt. Squirt: Just do it, Boner!

Will Captain Squirt arrive on the planet? Will the Starship Entercourse complete her mission? Will Betty Lou leave with Lance to run naked in the fields? Tune in again next week for the continuing adventures of Star Trexxx!

The Curious Urinal - 6/5/14

The Best of The Curious Urinal
Originally published 4/22/2010

Buzzardbait Zoo Set to Reopen

By Staff Reporter Nemo Monet

It's that time of year again. Yes, The Buzzardbait Zoo and Exotic Steakhouse is about to reopen for the 2014 visitor season. “This year looks to be better than ever!” Ivana Jercoff, Chief Operations Officer of the Buzzardbait Zoo stated before both reporters present at the press conference today.

“But before we can look forward to this year, we have to look back at last year.” She said with a bit of sadness, “Last year, we lost two of our most wonderful attractions. Ella the Elephant and Charlie the Cheetah. Although it was a loss for the Zoo, the Exotic Steakhouse had a banner year... Until the meat ran out, that is.” Ms. Jercoff was referring to the specials on elephant steaks and cheetah chowder the Exotic Restaurant ran as part of the Remembrance Specials last season.

“But now, this year looks to be a banner year. As you know, last year we took in well over $300.00 in revenue from ticket sales. The beer sales alone counted for nearly $1,000,000 in revenue. This year we are planning on topping the numbers of visitors from 100 to 150 by holding Saturday Night at the Zoo promos. Visitors will be encouraged to come in on Saturday nights to see the animals as they sleep and take part in our first annual Name That Stool Contests. We will place a pile of animal feces out for display and visitors will pay $1.00 to guess which animal made it. All proceeds will go to help feed the animals. As you know, last year our budget for feeding the animals was reduced due to lack of interest by the public, so many of the animals simply starved, or ate one another to survive. That took our budget down greatly!”

“However, it opened valuable space for some newer, more exciting attractions to come to our little zoo!” Ms. Jercoff began displaying pictures of some of the newest residents of the Buzzardbait Zoo.




“This is Molly the Meerkat. She actually came to us locally. She was digging thru the dumpster at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes. After he shot it with a pellet gun, bagged it and beat it with a baseball bat to calm it down, he brought it here. We nursed her back to health, painstakingly rebuilding her broken back, legs, and repairing the ruptures and other injuries. We think she'll be wonderful addition to our collection of wild animals... Once she comes out of her coma, that is.”



“This is Pervy. He's a naked Molekat. He was found outside Big Al's Titty Emporium, trying to get inside. After he had been stomped by some drunk trucker in cowboy boots, he was rushed here to get medical help. After six months of therapy, he's ready to make his debut in our zoo.”












“These are two Wonder Weasels. Frick and Frak are their names. And they are seen here in their natural state. Frick, the male, and Frak, the female, are in a perpetual state of mating. Wonder Weasels are rare, and we here at the Buzzardbait Zoo are proud to have the pair!”







 

"This is Barry the Money Rat. Money Rats are also rare. They run around, mostly in subway stations and fast food restaurants, picking up loose change to build their nest eggs with. Barry will be near the Wishing Well area, collecting any and all loose change from our visitors. Barry's going to be a fine addition to the zoo.”








“This is Lenny the Lion. Lenny's seen here right after a big meal. He ate one of our part-time feeders two weeks ago. We'll miss Howie, but Lenny was well worth the effort getting here. He comes to us from the Beddum and Bangem Circus. Lenny is going to be an exciting attraction!”













“And finally, the news we all have been so excited to share today...
Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey is making his triumphant return to the Buzzardbait Zoo. He recently had been in Hollywood, making several movies. He was recently filming the comedy  'Honey, I Screwed-up the Furniture!' Stinky was also a major player in the Star Warpped Movies, and recently did several episodes of Law and Disorder, playing one of the attorneys. You can see here that he is telling someone to read between the lines. I think that is a Hollywood thing!” The press conference closed with Ivana Jercoff reminding everyone, “Don't forget to bring your cameras this year, as our pictures haven't sold worth shit, so take your own!”

The Curious Urinal - Buzzardbait, Ky USA

Welcome to The Curious Urinal.
This blog is basically for those of you that likes your news a bit tainted; slightly skewed, or just plain goofy. I will be discussing current affairs (BEWARE OF RANT ALERTS) and other "Local" news items with a twist of humor thrown in for good measure. For those folks that already know me, they will understand my humor right off the bat. For everyone else, you may have to get used to it. My humor is twisted (to say the least), but my intentions are not only to make you laugh, but make you think a little too.
Also, from time to time, I will run commercial parodies and also a continuing saga or two on these pages.
So sit back, buckle up, and let's have some fun!