The Curious Urinal - 6/5/14

The Best of The Curious Urinal
Originally published 4/22/2010

Buzzardbait Zoo Set to Reopen

By Staff Reporter Nemo Monet

It's that time of year again. Yes, The Buzzardbait Zoo and Exotic Steakhouse is about to reopen for the 2014 visitor season. “This year looks to be better than ever!” Ivana Jercoff, Chief Operations Officer of the Buzzardbait Zoo stated before both reporters present at the press conference today.

“But before we can look forward to this year, we have to look back at last year.” She said with a bit of sadness, “Last year, we lost two of our most wonderful attractions. Ella the Elephant and Charlie the Cheetah. Although it was a loss for the Zoo, the Exotic Steakhouse had a banner year... Until the meat ran out, that is.” Ms. Jercoff was referring to the specials on elephant steaks and cheetah chowder the Exotic Restaurant ran as part of the Remembrance Specials last season.

“But now, this year looks to be a banner year. As you know, last year we took in well over $300.00 in revenue from ticket sales. The beer sales alone counted for nearly $1,000,000 in revenue. This year we are planning on topping the numbers of visitors from 100 to 150 by holding Saturday Night at the Zoo promos. Visitors will be encouraged to come in on Saturday nights to see the animals as they sleep and take part in our first annual Name That Stool Contests. We will place a pile of animal feces out for display and visitors will pay $1.00 to guess which animal made it. All proceeds will go to help feed the animals. As you know, last year our budget for feeding the animals was reduced due to lack of interest by the public, so many of the animals simply starved, or ate one another to survive. That took our budget down greatly!”

“However, it opened valuable space for some newer, more exciting attractions to come to our little zoo!” Ms. Jercoff began displaying pictures of some of the newest residents of the Buzzardbait Zoo.




“This is Molly the Meerkat. She actually came to us locally. She was digging thru the dumpster at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes. After he shot it with a pellet gun, bagged it and beat it with a baseball bat to calm it down, he brought it here. We nursed her back to health, painstakingly rebuilding her broken back, legs, and repairing the ruptures and other injuries. We think she'll be wonderful addition to our collection of wild animals... Once she comes out of her coma, that is.”



“This is Pervy. He's a naked Molekat. He was found outside Big Al's Titty Emporium, trying to get inside. After he had been stomped by some drunk trucker in cowboy boots, he was rushed here to get medical help. After six months of therapy, he's ready to make his debut in our zoo.”












“These are two Wonder Weasels. Frick and Frak are their names. And they are seen here in their natural state. Frick, the male, and Frak, the female, are in a perpetual state of mating. Wonder Weasels are rare, and we here at the Buzzardbait Zoo are proud to have the pair!”







 

"This is Barry the Money Rat. Money Rats are also rare. They run around, mostly in subway stations and fast food restaurants, picking up loose change to build their nest eggs with. Barry will be near the Wishing Well area, collecting any and all loose change from our visitors. Barry's going to be a fine addition to the zoo.”








“This is Lenny the Lion. Lenny's seen here right after a big meal. He ate one of our part-time feeders two weeks ago. We'll miss Howie, but Lenny was well worth the effort getting here. He comes to us from the Beddum and Bangem Circus. Lenny is going to be an exciting attraction!”













“And finally, the news we all have been so excited to share today...
Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey is making his triumphant return to the Buzzardbait Zoo. He recently had been in Hollywood, making several movies. He was recently filming the comedy  'Honey, I Screwed-up the Furniture!' Stinky was also a major player in the Star Warpped Movies, and recently did several episodes of Law and Disorder, playing one of the attorneys. You can see here that he is telling someone to read between the lines. I think that is a Hollywood thing!” The press conference closed with Ivana Jercoff reminding everyone, “Don't forget to bring your cameras this year, as our pictures haven't sold worth shit, so take your own!”