Water main break puts hundreds without water

Ethel Wizenheimer of the Buzzardbait Water and Sewer Commission said that currently the water main break near the Sludge Cola Bottling Company is not really that big of a deal. "There are only 900 people affected right now out of 1,350 residents, so those whiners just need to shut up and be patient."

The disruption in service is the latest problem that Buzzardbait has had to deal with this past weekend. Record rainfall mixed with the tourists from Lousyville's Kentucky Derby created a mess that County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closoff called "A perfect storm of problems that we simply did not need!"

The three people that came to Buzzardbait after the Derby created a problem, as they stopped at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes and ordered espresso coffee with soy milk. Greasy Louie had to toss them out, losing nearly $3.50 in revenue.

We asked about the water main break and what precautions needed to be taken. Ethel Wizenheimer suggested, "Go to the store, buy some frickin' bottled water and deal with it!" When asked how long the disruption of service would last, Ms. Wizenheimer replied, "Whenever we get around to fixing it, then we'll let you know!"

Until the crisis has abated, residents are asked to not try to do laundry, cook, clean, wash your car or tractor, irrigate, or flush the toilets until further notice.

One resident, Ms. Jean Mofocastanski of Downtown Buzzardbait said, "This is just freakin' great. You can't flush the damned terlots. It's a bad day to have the squirts, I can tell you that!"