The Curious Urinal 10/7/2011

Chris Christie, Sarah Palin Rule Out 2012 Presidential Runs
By Staff Reporter Willie Whacker

Well, it's official. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, this past Tuesday, declared, "Now is not my time, seriously!" Letting everyone know that he would indeed not be running for president in 2012.

The New Jersey governor, after denying for months that he had any serious interest in running, used a press conference in Trenton to further extinguish any  speculation as to his interest in the race. He said the answer, "was never anything but 'no.' Seriously, it never has been!" He also acknowledged that he and his family had been compelled to "seriously rethink" that stance in recent weeks given the seriously intense pressure on the governor to throw his hat in the ring.

Meanwhile, Wednesday night, Sarah Palin finally decided to not run for president. Almost immediately thereafter, left-wing bloggers were laid-off all over the country, and MSNBC's dismal ratings moved further south. They now have three viewers.

And update on this story.
Chris Christie held another press conference on Wednesday, after Sarah Palin's announcement, to confirm that after more serious thought, he is still not running for president in 2012!

Occupy Wall Street Meets Occupy Buzzardbait!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Right now, even as you read this article, there are people who continue their protests against corporate America.

Protesters from Occupy Buzzardbait camped out in Buzzardbait Park and Water Treatment Plant overnight.

Police were keeping an eye on the group for hours last night, but eventually decided to let them camp out even though they did not have a permit to do so.

Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police laughed, saying, "Look at these pathetic excuses for human beings. If any of these slackers can stand the stench of this place, let them camp out and protest. Hell, they deserve whatever they breathe in!"

Earlier in the day as many as 4 people took part in the protests.

Emily Mushead of Hooter Heights is one of the protesters. She said, "Rich people suck!"

Tom Slacker is another protester, who added, "We want rich people to pay their fair share!"

When asked how much they paid in taxes, Suzie Poosey said, Taxes? Like who really pays taxes? I thought the president had like a stash of cash and just spent it, like, for stuff."

When I suggested that people who actually work for a living paid taxes, the fourth protester, Jimmy Worthless of Poon Point added, "I don't got no job, and don't want one either, man!"

These kids are our future. God help us!

This just in:

Chris Christie held another press conference Thursday to confirm that after more serious thought, he is still not running for president in 2012!


In Other News

Cat House Karaoke?

Smokey, the adorable kitten, sang a couple of tunes last night in the Strike and Suds Karaoke Contest. The cat won over the crowd, singing a cover of Jim Croce's Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, and a heartfelt rendition of Baby Got Back!

Smokey won the contest and $50.

In addition to winning the contest, Smokey won over the heart of a woman... Who snatched the cat up and ran out the door.

Mildred Dorkpounder, with her husband, Hansel, who disappeared shortly after she opened her first restaurant, Fried Dork on a Stick!

The catnapper was none other than Mildred Dorkpounder of Hooter Heights, who recently opened a restaurant called, Fried Cat on a Stick! She eluded the police for hours. Finally, Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, located Mrs. Dorkpounder... Just after she had deep-fried Kitty on a stick, and was using the stick to pick her teeth.

Since there was no evidence, other than some fur and bones, Mildred Dorkpounder was released from custody.

The disappearance of her husband, Hansel, is still a mystery. Mildred Dorkpounder said that Hansel had left her for some quiet time at Big Al's Titty Emporium, and has been missing now for three years. Buzzardbait Police still have no clues, other than some old clothing and bones they found behind the restaurant.

In a related story, several cats have come up missing in recent days. Ammo County Animal Control officers noticed the cat population had dwindled as of late, but they have no idea what has happened to them.

This Just In...

Chris Christie held another press conference late last night to confirm he is still seriously not running for president in 2012! Seriously!


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This just in:

Chris Christie is seriously planning yet another  press conference for Sunday morning to confirm his confirmation that after more seriously serious thought, he is seriously still not seriously running for president in 2012! And he's serious about it this time!

The Curious Urinal  9/30/2011

Kentucky Governors Race Heating Up
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

The tightly contested race for the governor's mansion was turned up a notch today as a late arrival entered the race.

Current Kentucky Governor, Steve Brassear (D) thumbed his nose at the newcomer, saying that he didn't have a chance, and that he would not debate him, or anyone else. David Willnot (R) and Gatewood Hambreath (I) both laughed at the newcomer, saying he had no chance of winning.

But Will Doolittle (I) was stoic when he said, "We already have a do-nothing governor with Brassear, and Willnot and Hambreath haven't got a clue how to fix the mess Brassear and his minions have gotten the state into!"

When asked, Doolittle explained his platform. "I'll leave everything alone and let it work itself out."

When we pressed him, he explained his entire platform.

"As far as taxes go, I'll not raise them, or I'll not lower them. In regards to unemployment, the people who are unemployed need to find a job. That will solve the unemployment crisis in the state. People on welfare and other entitlements will have to find jobs or have nothing. We don't have the money for such nonsense!"

When I asked how he'd repair the highways and build the bridges that the state so desperately needs, he replied, "I'll leave that to the transportation department to do. That's their job!"

I asked about the state union employees, who collectively have over a billion dollars in uncompensated retirement funds, he replied, "So? Let them worry about their own retirement plans. That's not the job of the governor."

When pressed about the seriousness of cronyism in state government, Will Doolittle stated, "I intend to let it run its course until the problem fixes itself."

When asked about the commercial that he is currently running on TV and radio, he said, "I think the ad speaks for itself."

So, we'll transcribe the ad for you, our readers, to see if you'd vote for Will Doolittle for Governor.

(This is the official transcript for the ad)

"Hi, I'm Will Doolittle, and I'm running for governor. Are you tired of Frankfort being a place where horse millionaires and freeloaders run the state? Are you tired of deadbeats mooching off of your hard-earned dollars? Are you sick and tired of being taxed to death and getting precious little for your tax dollars?

Then you should vote for me, Will Doolittle.

I promise not to screw the state up any worse that it already is. I promise not to give myself big raises and spend your money without regard to how much I want stuff. I think the governor's mansion should be filled with golden faucets and platinum sinks, and as governor, I'll do what I can to make sure it happens!

I need a job, and you should send someone to Frankfort that wants a job, not some crook that just wants to steal your money and have sex with your children's pet dog.

Are you tired of people that are secretly filled with graft and corruption? I'll be open and honest about my graft and corruption!

You need a strong governor, someone that can lift 50 pounds repeatedly for at least three reps. You want a governor that can do five sit-ups before he needs a fifteen minute break to catch his breath. You need someone that won't spend a dime more than he can lift from the state coffers.

And I'm that man!

I'm not some Lousyville lawyer or Lexingthong horse trader... I'm from Buzzardbait, where men are men, women are women, and most of the people bathe every Saturday night, whether they need it on not!

You don't deserve being secretly ripped-off every time you pay your taxes to the state. I want you to know where every dollar you pay in taxes actually goes... And I'll be the one to make sure you pay your taxes for good stuff... Like high-def TV's and fast cars for state employees; not wasting your money on casino's and booze like I could. I'll stay away from places like that, unless they are having strippers and half-priced drinks, then I'll see you there. 

I'm Will Doolittle, and I want to be your governor!

Paid for by Will Doolittle for Governor, Will Doolittle's wife, treasurer.

(End transcript).

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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The Curious Urinal 9/23/2011


English Language Officially Designated Inferior by News Source

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Granted, the English language is probably the hardest language to understand in the world. Conjunctions, verbs and adverbs, nouns and pronouns and past participles sometimes makes even the most fluent in English scratch their heads with wonder.

So, I am sitting at my desk --- minding my own business  --- when the boss tossed this headline upon my desk. He complained that Yahoo News is a laughing stock. He said, "They must hire half-trained monkeys and children raised in the jungle as writers and copy editors!"

Well, looking at the headline, I scratched my head, wondering exactly what the headline meant. Here is for your perusal:

Jagger unsure if the Stones of an anniversary tour (actual headline from Yahoo.com News - 9/20/2011)

With this headline, one has to wonder if Mick Jagger is taking speaking lessons from Keith Richards, or that the writers and copy editors at Yahoo are just starting to realize that English is just too hard to get right. So, in the spirit of lampooning Yahoo’s writers and editors, The Curious Urinal has decided to butcher the story based upon the headline.


Mick Jagger unsure if of what he and band mates fellow tour. Charlie Watts was 50th anniversary tour is Jagger and Richards looked at schedule of bus and decided to tour of which.
50 years after, notwithstanding rumors and fans, Jagger cut a record tour as they decide if to when. Why? Know not sure, if Watts and Richards rocking chair tour if Jagger did does too.


Did you understand that? We didn’t either, but if you did, you have been hanging out in Keith Richards bloodstream for far too long.




NASA Satellite Falls to Earth, Pieces Land in Buzzardbait
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Supposedly, there was a 1 in 22 trillion chance (or 1 in 3,200 depending on whom you asked) of any debris hitting anyone on Earth when the NASA satellite, the UARS....Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, began falling from space (it was slated to fall between Thursday and Saturday). The school bus-sized satellite would enter the atmosphere, and break into pieces. Most of it would burn up in the atmosphere, with the bulk of the debris falling into the ocean. But apparently not all of it did.


Rufus Bumfuzzle of Hooter Heights was in Buzzardbait this morning, stopping at Bizby’s Feed and Seed to get a 50 pound bag of oats for his horse, Bessy, when a large chunk of metal came screaming from the heavens and hit him on the shoulder. Feeling the impact, Mr. Bumfuzzle at first thought it was a bumble bee trying to attack him. He spotted something on the ground by his feet. It was something he had never seen before in his 59 years of life. Bending to pick the twisted metal object from the ground, Mr. Bumfuzzle realized that this particular piece of twisted metal had come from space. The quarter-sized chunk quickly entered his coverall's pocket.


Mr. Bumfuzzle went on to purchase his oats and then hopped in his '57 Dodge pick-up truck, and headed to the one person he knew that could verify his find. He took the twisted piece of metal to Buzzardbait's top scientist, Dr. Wilfred Wizbanger, Buzzardbait High School's 10th grade Science Teacher, Bumfuzzle watched patiently as Dr. Wizbanger placed the item under his microscope and declared, "Yep, it's a piece of twisted metal alright! It could have fallen from space, or it could be something that fell off an old Mercury station wagon."


Rufus Bumfuzzle has decided to keep the item, even though it may be radioactive and dangerous to human life. "Heck, my old lady is caustic and dangerous to be around when she had a snootful of whiskey, so this will be nuthin'!"


There's no word from NASA as of now if they will come and take the piece of space junk away from Mr. Bumfuzzle, but he warns, "Let em come try and take my little prize, and I'll give 'em a double barrel load of rock salt!"

Photo of the Day

President Obama raises his hand when someone asked, "Who wants to see President Obama get four more years in office?"

Most of the people in the picture just laughed, except for the man who had his face covered by Obama's hand. He mumbled, “Where's the Birth Certificate?”



  
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
 
 

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The Curious Urinal – 9/16/2011

POST OFFICE IN $$$ TROUBLE  --- SEEKS IDEAS

By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

The U.S. Postal Service, which is struggling to cut costs and conserve cash, said on Thursday that it wants to end overnight delivery of letters and postcards, and will be looking into other cost-cutting measures.

The USPS, which lost more than $3 billion last quarter, has said it must downsize drastically or will be forced to stop delivering mail by the end of next summer.

Delivering First Class mail in two to three days instead of one to three days could save about $3 billion by 2015, the agency said. The change would allow it to close facilities, cut back on overnight work and eliminate about 35,000 jobs.

Asking for public input on how the US Postal Service could make or save money, several local residents have made suggestions.

Fred Hindlick, of Poon Point, suggests a change of uniforms. “Tell them haughty post office folks to dress in overalls and some work boots like us farmers and they could save some dang money! Instead of those fancy Post Offices buggies they drive, put em on tractors and they could plow some while delivering all that crap they call mail!”

Connie Linguist, of Hooter Heights made a suggestion. She said, “If they would stop sending a ton of junk mail, they could save millions of trees and millions of gallons of gas at the same time! How many pieces of junk mail have I had to throw away when they could simply stop delivering it and save money, gas and time!”

Big Al (Big Al’s Titty Emporium) suggested: “Hey, make the mail carriers go topless and do pole dances for tips. That might bring in a few bucks... Unless they use really fat guys and ugly ones too!”

And Anita Mann, of Buzzardbait, had a great suggestion, “Tell them to stop bringing all them bills they brung to my house last week and they won’t be wasting all that money. They can charge them billing companies triple to actually deliver them bills to someone that’s got a dang job and some money!”


And in Other Local News

Local Author/Publisher of The Curious Urinal, Dewaine Shoulders, announces the release of his latest epic masterpiece (Okay, so it’s neither epic or a masterpiece, but it’s a book, okay!). The Starr Warped Trilogy has been released for the Kindle. Of course, you don’t have to own a Kindle to read the book, as you can download the program straight to your PC or Laptop.

Here is the link to preview the latest book from our publisher:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_7?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=dewaine+shoulders&sprefix=Dewaine

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

 He doesn't always drink beer,

 but when he does,

it's usually in a hospital bed.

The Curious Urinal 9/9/2011

Local Business Closes Soon After Opening
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme


It was a business plan like no other. These two men had years of experience and the know-how to get the business up and running.

Marty Gross and Phillip Rancid had the perfect idea when they decided to go into business together. One had spent years as a master butcher and the other had years of experience in the produce business. They decided to open their business during a recession because people have to eat, and they would have the lowest prices in town to make sure that the people would want to shop with them. Both knew that nothing could go wrong.

Their gimmick was simple - one half of the store would house the largest selection of fresh vegetables anywhere, and the other half would be the biggest butcher shop in the country.

So, having put together their marketing plan, they secured a $1,000,000 loan to build a new store. They stocked it with their meats and vegetables, and then they opened their store, spending every last dime they had to make it the biggest thing ever to take place in Buzzardbait.

But there was just one small problem. Once the business opened, no one came to shop.


Rancid Meats and Gross Vegetables was a wonderful idea that failed to catch on in Buzzardbait, and no one knows why.


In Local Sports -

The Buzzardbait High Lady Buzzards will host Aureole Heights Lady Lickers in a Girls Football showdown Tonight at Buzzardbait High Field. Tickets are on sale for $5 if your looking to see a girl fight, as these two teams have bad blood between them. It was last year that the Lady Lickers went down and gave the Lady Buzzards a good licking on their home turf. Tonight, the Lady Buzzards will try out-lick the Lickers and reclaim the Lady's Football Crown. The game begins at 7 p.m.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by -

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The Curious Urinal - 9/02/2011

Is that a Trouser Snake in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

The TSA finally found a reason to grope passengers at the airport. They confirmed that a man tried to board a flight from Miami to Brazil with bags of exotic snakes and tortoises stuffed in his pants.

A Transportation Security Administration spokesman said the man was stopped after passing through a body scanner at Miami International Airport on Thursday. Security officials spotted the nylon bags filled with seven snakes and three tortoises hidden in the man's pants. The unidentified passenger was arrested.

The animals were taken to an animal game preserve and by the U.S. Department of Fish and Wildlife personnel and subsequently fed to an alligator.

Strangely enough, that wasn’t the only Trouser Snake story this week.

Buzzardbait resident, Pervis Winkler was arrested when he pulled his trouser snake out on a crowded bus in Lousyville yesterday. He claimed to be traveling into Lousyville to see his ex-brother-in-law, Cooter, when the incident took place.

Reports state that Mr. Winkler was complaining about having to urinate. He asked the bus driver to stop at a nearby convenience store so he could go. When the bus driver refused to stop, Pervis Winkler decided to do his business right there in front of everyone.

Aside from several gasp from some of the passengers, most of the crowd on the bus merely laughed. Several riders wrestled the Mr.Winkler to the floor of the bus until police could arrive.

Pervis Winkler was charged with indecent exposure, resisting arrest, and urinating in public without a license. His bail was set at $50,000.


Local Doctor explains the 6 Reasons You're Not Losing Weight

By Staff Reporter Willie Whacker

Are you one of the millions of overweight folks in America? Are you constantly dieting? Does you life revolve around the amount of food you consume?

Well, you’re not alone. Dr. Hesa Hockendaloogie, noted Indian dietitian and new resident of the Buzzardbait Clinic for Extremely Fat Folks, has laid out some guidelines on why you’re not losing the weight when you are dieting.

Reason # 1: Back away from the Diet foods!

Dr. Hockendaloogie explains that even though it had diet on the label, you cannot eat all you want and expect to lose any weight.


Reason # 2: You're Not Getting Enough Support From Friends of Family.

When you go on a diet, don’t expect your family to support you if you tell them that you’ll start your diet right after eating that half-gallon of Cookie dough ice cream with extra whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Tell them you need for them to beat you into submission if you even go neat the fridge.

Reason # 3: Eat Well-Balanced Meals

So, you like to eat, and that’s okay. But eating half a slab of baby back ribs, twelve helpings of macaroni and cheese, four bowls of chili and a diet soda isn’t considered a diet. Eat smaller portions, walk to the restaurant instead of having your lard ass hauled behind a tractor, and remember to eat sensibly. Also, stop eating at the buffet line. Sixteen trips to the salad bar isn’t a diet. It’s called gluttony!

Reason # 4: You're NOT Exercising!

Walking is important. Walking a buffet line isn’t the same as walking around a track. Join a spa instead of sitting at the Bingo Hall, eating greasy chips and shoveling corn dogs in your gullet. When you go to the movies, don’t get triple butter on your popcorn, and stay away from the 10 boxes of Raisinettes! When you go to the store, walk the aisles, not ride the little electric cart like that fat woman you saw at Wally World yesterday. You noticed she could walk to the candy aisle and stock-up on sugarcoated chocolate drops, yet she had to get back on the cart to roll up two foot to the Snickers bars. Geez!

Reason # 5: Stop Reading the Scale

Sure, it’s nice to see the pounds drop off, but only weighing one leg, and then thinking it’s okay to have that extra hamburger and milk shake isn’t healthy. Toss the bathroom scale in the trash and go to the nearest truck stop. Let them give you a true weight reading. Odds are, you weigh as much as a semi yourself!

Reason #6: When All Else Fails, See a Doctor!

So, you have given up trying to lose that extra tonnage because you think it’s too hard, right? Dr. Hockendaloogie has one piece of advice… Come see him at the Buzzardbait Clinic for Extremely Fat Folks and he’ll schedule you for surgery. He claims he can cut 25 – 50% of your body weight in one three-hour surgery.

Dr. Hesa Hockendaloogie says, “I can either cut your fat out with surgery, or I can take a chainsaw and whack-off those pounds. One surgery is cheaper than the other, and a lot less messy, but I can fix you right up!”

The Buzzardbait Clinic for Extremely Fat Folks is located on 5th and Main in Downtown Buzzardbait.


This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Buzzardbait Oil Refinery and Mud Bog
Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Special Edition
Saturday, 8/27/2011

Here at The Curious Urinal, we strive to give you up-to-the-minute, uplifting information. Seeing how we came up with zilch this week, we bring you instead:

Buzzardbait Dragnet

The story you're about to read is true (for the most part). The names have been changed to protect the innocent (well, kind of).
This is the city (duh da duh duh) Buzzardbait, Kentucky (duh da duh duh duhhhhhh)
There are a million stories in the half-naked city... This is just one of them. My name is Investigator, and I carry a badge.

It was raining at the top of the page as I was rolling down Fourth and Main, making the turn onto Main and Fourth. My windshield wipers were slapping at the steady staccato of the rain. My partner, Tuesday, was rolling a number and was about to light it up when the call came in. A UFO sighting near the old Fuzzenbusher Farm. I looked to my partner and shook my head.

Investigator: What a night for a UFO sighting!

Tuesday: Sounds like old man Fuzzenbusher is seeing things.

Investigator: And maybe after we smoke that, we will too.

We rolled out to the Fuzzenbusher Farm and noticed right away that little had changed since our last visit. There was the farmhouse, barn, and lots of cows with Uzis. It looked pretty much normal. But that was when we spotted it.

Hovering just above the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis was a very large spacecraft. It was all lit up, making the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis look like they were in daylight underneath the well lit flying saucer. I stopped the car just beyond the parameter of the craft and stepped out into the rain. My partner, after placing the number in the glove box for later, did the same. We walked underneath the ship and noticed the rain stopped falling on us immediately.

As we approached the farmhouse, a beam of light hit the ground. That was when a small, green alien with a gnarled cane appeared before us. He looked around nervously as we approached. My partner and I flashed our badges.

Investigator: I'm Detective Investigator, this is my partner, Tuesday. Mind if we have a word with you?"

Alien: Detective Investigator... An oxymoron that is. Hmm?

Investigator: You calling me names, Mister?

Alien: No, I am not. Speak if you must.

Investigator: Why have you landed on Old Man Fuzzenbushers Farm? In fact, where is Old Man Fuzzenbusher?

Alien: I know not where this person is. Thought this place abandoned, it was.

Tuesday: So, what brings you here?

Alien: The ship (he giggled) See it, can you not? Hmmm?

Investigator: Just the fact, man, Just the facts. What's you name?

Alien: Call me Yoda, you can.

Tuesday: So, Yoda, why have you come here?

Alien: Come to find work, I have. That and Universal Healthcare! Hmm?

Investigator: Do you have a Green Card?

Alien: Green card? Of such, I know not. A Green Meat-Saber I have though. (Giggling again)

I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The light made his hair appear to glow; my heart raced; my manhood... Uh, I decided to take the little alien in.

Investigator: We're going to have to take you down to the station.
Alien: Ask why, might I?

Tuesday: We're booking you on a Ten twenty-three.

Alien: Meaning?

Investigator: Illegal alien status.

After cuffing the little green alien, we escorted him to the car where he meditated the entire ten minute trip back to the station. Once inside the station, out of the rain, we took the alien into the interrogation room. Under the bright lights, he'd sing like a canary.

Alien: La la la la la... Lady Gaga has nothing on me! (Again with the annoying giggles) This light, help my tan, it will!

Investigator: Where were you on the night of July the second?

Alien: Depends it does.

Tuesday: You're in Depends?

Investigator: Into a little kink and perversion, are you?

Alien: Clear your mind... Remember, the Force surrounds us, binds us...

Tuesday: So you're wearing Depends because you're a little bound-up?

Alien: Huh?

Investigator: Just answer the questions!

Alien: Not been on your planet before, I have. Just work I seek. Maybe something in Avatar II in 4D?

Tuesday: Damned migrant workers! Coming into our country, taking work away from other migrant workers!

Investigator: Coffee?

Alien: Yoda! Remember can you not?

Investigator: Tuesday, go get us some coffee. I need to speak with this alien alone.

Tuesday: Fine! Just don't break the lamp again. You know the chief hates it when you break the lamps.

Investigator: I'll try to restrain myself.

Once Tuesday left the room, I decided to switch tactics. Breaking the lamp, I began a new line of questioning.

Investigator: Where did you steal the ship?

Alien: Stolen it is not. Borrowed from a friend, I did!

Investigator: I bet. Who did you borrow the ship from then?

Alien: Chubacca.

Investigator: No, I smoke!

Alien: Stunt your growth, it will. Look at me!

Investigator: Where do you come from?

Alien: A galaxy far, far away.

Investigator: Where?

Alien: The third galaxy to the left of Hollywood and Vine it is!

Investigator: And you came here for work?

Alien: Tough times, it is. Hard to find work I have found. Unemployment Insurance ran out, it has!

Investigator: I bet. So what kind of work are you looking for?

Alien: Leading man roles. Or Director, may be? I heard rumors of Hulk III. Perfect for the part, I am! Hmm? (More of the giggling)

Investigator: Right! And you would be doing this in Hollywood?

Alien: Nooooo! Devoid of good, that galaxy is. Shrouded by the Dark Side, it has become! Full of liberals it has become!

Investigator: So you came here... To Buzzardbait, to find work?

Alien: Buzzardbait? In Miami, I thought!

That was when Tuesday entered the room.

Tuesday: I see you have broken another lamp.

Investigator: It couldn't be helped.

Tuesday: You know the chief isn't gonna like it. That lamp belonged to his mother. And you know how he is about his mother?

Investigator: Yes, I know. Just hand me the coffee.

I took the coffee cup and withdrew my flask of cheap, rot-gut whiskey. I poured a shot in the coffee and sipped at it. The little alien watched me with those goofy looking eyes of his. I replaced the flask in my back pocket... And that was when the idea hit me.

Investigator: I have one more question for you. Have you had your shots?

Alien: Shots? Of what shots speak do you?

I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The twinkle in his eye and his lovely smile made the goose flesh crawl all over me. I mouthed 'Later' and returned my gaze toward the alien.

Investigator: Well, I think we can wrap this case up!

Tuesday: What are you charging him with?

Investigator: A Ten twenty-three, a Ten ninety-eight and a Ten sixty-nine!

Alien: Mean what does that?

Investigator: Being an illegal alien with no shots and really bad acting!

Alien: And a crime that is?

Investigator: Here in Buzzardbait, you betcha! And where you're going, you'll get all the work you can handle. You'll be moving rocks and playing Drop the Soap with you cellmate!

Alien: Played that with Mace Windu, I did. Terrible pain I felt. Terrible pain!

(Duh da duh duh)

Yoda, the little green alien, was sentenced in Superior Court on a 10-23, a 10-98 and a 10-69. He is currently serving a life sentence in Buzzardbait Prison and Lawn Care Center. He will be eligible for parole in six weeks!

(Dum da dum dum dummmmm).

The Curious Urinal - Friday 8/19/2011

Local Minister Starts Charity
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

There are ministers and then there's the Reverend Cleofus Jones, Jr. He is one of Lousyville's most outspoken proponents of charity in the community. And we were given a few minutes of his valuable time to discuss his latest charitable ministry.

"My name is Reverend Yawanna Cleofus Malcolm Young Vincent Antonio Jones, Junior, but the parishioners of my church call me Reverend Yawanna Cmyvajayjay for short. I am the pastor of The Church of the Little Folk here in Lousyville and I'm starting a new local charity to help those less fortunate than most of the good peoples out there."

When asked about his new charity, the reverend nodded and smiled.

"Well, I call it "The Little Folk's Payback Charity."

So, I asked him about what he planned to do about helping those less fortunate in the community.

"In simple terms, you folks have it made. You have cars, nice clothes, X Boxes, Wii's and Playstations, personal computers and cell phones galore. All I'm asking is that those civic-minded peoples in Lousyville take a moment to reflect on all they have, and what it would take to replace all those items if something bad were to happen... Like a robbery. Gawd forbid such a thing happen to those good peoples out there, but it can happen, and that's where my charity begins."

Okay, I had to ask, how is having all those items related to his charity. His reply was interesting.

"What I'm trying to do is make those good peoples in Lousyville aware that there are those within the community that don't have such toys and gadgets, and those peoples in the community that would come by your house and take 'em from you when you weren't home, or whilst you were sleeping. For a mere $100 a month donation, I can personally guarantee that none of my parishioners will do that. But if you don't give to the charity, then I can't guarantee that you'll come home to anything at all... Iff'n you knows what I mean!"

Astounded, I asked, "But Reverend Jones, isn't that akin to a threat?"

"Let me explain. I can't say no to the Little Folks when they come to me and say, 'Reverend Yawanna Cmyvajayjay.' I say 'yes,' and they say, 'Why can't we have stuff like that?' And I say, 'Cause you weren't born as lucky as those folks, and we can't have that, now can we?"

That's when I said, "It sounds like extortion to me!"

"Calls it what ya like. I'm simply trying to make things better for the Little Folk and to keep the police from busting my parishioners every time something comes up missing at some folks house."

Whereas I replied, "Then maybe you could preach something from the Ten Commandments... Like Thou shalt not steal!"

"Whatchu wanna bring that old crap up for? Try telling some thirteen year old with no X Box why they can't have one. It's better to give then to receive, and if you folks don't give, then maybe some of the little folks will receive... Stolen goods. That's not good for them, and not good for you peoples."

Completely perplexed, I decided to end the interview, When I walked outside, my car was up on blocks, the tires and wheels missing. The stereo had been ripped out of the dash, and the seats were gone as well. Reverend Jones followed me outside and said, "For a donation of $250, I can have you care put back together and on your way in less than ten minutes."

I paid the $250 and sure enough, a group of youths reassembled my car and even cleaned the windshield.

Reverend Jones stood there beaming with pride when one of the little girls came up and asked, "Reverend Yawanna Cmyvajayjay?"

He said, "Yes."

The vice squad showed up at that moment and hauled the good reverend away for solicitation of a minor.

I left the scene before my car was stripped yet again.

Anyone interested in the extortion/charity, contact Reverend Jones, Jr. at The Church of the Little Folk, 1234 Way up on the 7th Floor, Lousyville, KY.

This edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to by:

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So grab a handful of Monkey Nuts today!

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The Curious Urinal - Friday 8/12/2011

The Curious Urinal Interview: Bert and Ernie

By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

There seems to be an online petition calling for Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie to be married. This has sparked much comment, controversy and lots of tweets in cyberspace. So, we at The Curious Urinal decided to go to the source and talk to these two 'Friends' to see what they think of all the brouhaha.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.

Ernie: No problemo.

Bert: Can we hurry this up a bit? I'm going to miss All My Children if we don't.

CU: But of course. So let's get down to it, shall we? Is the rumor true?

Ernie: Rumors are a terrible thing. They have two R's in the word, and a double R is a terrible thing!

Bert: Ernie, cut the crap, will ya? (Looking at me) What rumor are you talking about?

CU: The rumor that the two of you are... Dare I say it?  Gay?

Bert: Not that there's anything wrong with it, but no! We're not gay!

Ernie: Gay used to mean happy, but someone decided to change the definition and really foul things up for people. Gay people are fun to hang around. In fact, did you know that Oscar the Grouch is gay?

Bert: Ernie! Oscar the Grouch isn't gay. He's grouchy. Grouchy people are not gay!

Ernie: Like you, Bert?

Bert: Are you saying I'm grouchy?

Ernie: Well, every time I try to talk to you about something important, you get mad at me.

Bert: I do not! I just don't need to be reminded of the daily sponsors of the show. Every time you say the show is being brought to you by the letters and the numbers, I just want to vomit! But I am not grouchy!

Ernie: Well, there was the time I spilled milk and you went off on a rant about cows make milk, and I was upsetting the cows because of an accident.

Bert: I didn't say that, Ernie. I said that you pissed away $4 a gallon milk because you were clumsy!

Ernie: Piss is a bad word, Bert. Urinate would be a better word to use.

Burt: You want me to be politically correct? Okay then, Go intercourse yourself!

Ernie: Did you know that intercourse means to talk or debate, Bert. Like in Civil Intercourse?

Bert: I got your civil intercourse right here! (Grabbing his crotch).

CU: Gentlemen, the public is demanding that the two of you come out of the closet and get married. To be role models for the Gay Community. That would make gay and lesbian kids who watch the show feel better about themselves, and to promote tolerance for people who are different.

Bert: F**k them!

Ernie: Hey Bert, F**k is a bad word! You should say...

Bert: Hey Ernie, f**k you too!

CU: So I take it that there will be no nuptials between the two of you any time soon?

Ernie: Today's show is sponsored by the letters F and U, Bert!

Bert: Hey Ernie... If I didn't have a hand up my ass moving me, I'd kick your stuffed ass all over this room!

Ernie: Hey Bert, Big Bird wants his inflatable Chicken back. It's a boy chicken, you know?

Bert: What about Miss Piggy's anal beads? You sure have been hogging them!

(A rim shot is heard).

CU: Gentlemen, please...

Ernie: You know, Bert, I think you need something shoved up your ass in the worst way!

Bert: I've seen your winkie, Ernie. That would be no threat!

Ernie: That's not what your mama said!

Bert: Oh yeah, drag my mama into it, why don't you? At least my mama doesn't run around blowing Kermit the Frog for drug money!

Ernie: At least she's got a hobby!

Both Bert and Ernie laugh.

CU: Wait, is this some sort of joke?

Bert: Look, Ernie and I have been working on a new routine for amateur night at the Sesame Street Improv. And it seems to be working.

Ernie: And those dumb f**kers down on Sesame Street would pay big bucks to see us going at it.

CU: Much like the people online that want the two of you to get married.

Ernie: F**k that! I'd rather marry Lady Gaga. Damn, what a women!

Bert: I don't know about that. I like Katy Perry. She has a nice rack!

Ernie: Damn right!

CU: So, I take it that the two of you are just good friends and not gay lovers?

Bert: You humans are so f**kin' stupid. We're f**kin' muppets. We have arms up our ass all day long. Why would we want something else shoved up there?

Ernie: Besides, I'd have to be the butch one. I like it on top!

Bert: Too much information, Ernie.

CU: So, you're saying that the online petition is a waste of time?

Bert: If you people have nothing else to do but fantasize about muppets with a penchant for buggery, then you humans need to get a f**kin' life!

Ernie: We've been friend for over 40 years. Just because we don't get out much doesn't mean were gay.

Bert: It just means we don't get paid enough to go out and party like Kermit and Piggy. Their contracts are much better than ours. We got screwed early on when we signed our contracts. We get squat and the frog and the pig make the bacon!

Ernie: Like I needed to have that mental picture. Geez!

CU: So, you can tell your fans that you're straight and not getting married now of ever?

Bert: That's right. Now, if we're done here, All My Children is about to come on, and I don't want to miss an episode. I hate it that they are cancelling my favorite soap. F**kin' bean counters over at ABC!

Ernie: Are we done here? I have a meeting with my attorney. I'm going to file a class action lawsuit against the morons that want us to get married. I think they are a bunch of clueless idiots that have far too much time on their hands!

Bert: (getting out of the chair) Well, you tell that bunch of morons that we're not going to turn gay just so they can get their jollies thinking about us doing it!

Ernie: Hey Bert, I think you'd make someone a terrific wife one day.

Bert: Thanks Ern... Why you little f**ker!

CU: Thank you for the interview. Now I think I need some aspirin.

This edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by:

The Curious Urinal 8/5/2011

Ammo County Gives Okay To New Budget
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

After months of infighting and long days of negotiations, the Ammo County Judge Executive, Seymore Butz, signed the county's budget for 2011/2012. The budget, which has been called a boondoggle by many in the county, takes effect October 1st, and will be valid through September 30th, 2012.

In the budget, County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closeoff, said that the county budget reminds him of a "tax and spenders dream!"

In order to afford the new budget, taxes will be raised on the following:

110% tax on Tobacco-flavored cumquats
110% tax on beer, wine and other spirits
110% tax on fishing worms
110% tax on the wealthy, retroactive to 1996 (expected to garner $147,000 from Big Al's Titty Emporium alone)
110% tax on vehicles made before 1999
110% tax on vehicles made after 1999
110% tax on gas
110% tax on water
110% tax on trash
110% tax on fires
110% tax on police squad cars, uniforms and guns
110% tax on each school age child
110% tax on library book rentals.

What the county will receive in return:

10% addition to road construction
10% addition to schools
10% addition to Judge Executives staff payroll
110% addition to Judge Executive's pay
10 % additional money to Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center for shrubbery and emergency room care
10% additional pay to the police and fire departments
10% additional to repair library after the overdue book burning.

Building proposals:

$5,000 for landscaping around City Hall
$6,000 for Buzzardbait Zoo to accommodate a new elephant exhibit
$75,000 for a new car for the Judge Executive
$100 for new library books
$100 for police and fire department raises
$50,000 for Judge Executive's Assistant
$100 for a new jail cell
$10,000 for City Hall air conditioning for Judge Executives office
$100 for homeless shelter (budget year 2012)
$45,000 for Judge Executives new office furnishings
$100 for road expenditures through 2012
$100,000 for vote pandering.

Needless to say, not everyone is happy with this new budget, but Harry Reed, the Ammo County attorney and assistant to the Judge Executive said, "We had to compromise to make sure that we had enough money to waste, I mean spend, to make sure that Ammo County continued to function until such a time when the tanks roll in and we can seize power from the people and do whatever we want! Muh waa ha ha!"

Again, Oliver Closeoff said, "What we have here is a bunch of idiots running the county, spending other peoples money and thinking they know better. But when they start taxing fishing worms, I have to draw the line!"

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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is a product of the
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The Curious Urinal Friday, 7/29/2011


Local Celeb Upset About Shun

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Sitting in his posh digs at the Buzzardbait Zoo, Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, is irate. He’s is on the phone with his agent and attorney, B.A. (Bad Ass) Gorilla, wanting to know how something like this could have happened?

It seems The Rise of The Planet of The Apes overlooked Stinky when it was casting. In fact, he only recently heard about the movie, and it upsets him that he wasn’t asked to play a role.

“I could have been Ceaser! I could have even played a supporting role. Hell, I could have played Third Monkey to the Left if that’s what they wanted!” Stinky slurped at a banana daiquiri. “This sucks! How can they make a movie about apes and not have me in it?”

When I explained that human actors played the part in the original movies, Stinky replied, “I know that! Do you think me so daft as to not know that Roddy McDowell, Kim Hunter and a bunch of people in monkey suits portrayed the apes back then? That was then, this is now!”

When I explained the motion-capture method used to digitally create the apes in this new movie, Stinky balked. “You know, this is why Hollywood sucks! Here they could have cast me in the role of Ceaser and save millions in special effects costs! But noooooooo! They want computer-generated actors so they can put us thespians out of work! This is a plot to turn Hollywood into a wasteland!”

When I mentioned that most of Hollywood was already a wasteland, Stinky concurred. “I know. Since they started all of this reality-based TV' and now are taking off All My Children and One Life to Live to be replaced with stupid talk shows, Hollywood is all but dead in the talent department, as well as being a place for any kind of creativity!”

The phone rang again, and B.A. Gorilla was on the other end of the conversation. Stinky said ‘okay’ and sighed as he hung the phone up. “Well, at least B.A. found me some work! It's not much, but it keeps me in banana
daiquiri's."

This edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by:

Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey says,

"There Great... If you're into that sorta thing?"

The Curious Urinal - 7/22/2011

Local Establishment Fights To Stay Open
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Long before there was a Hooter Heights Chamber of Commerce, there was Big Al's Titty Emporium. The local nightspot has been around longer than most of the fast food restaurants, car washes and a few of the churches in Hooter Heights. However, like many other small businesses, Big Al is seeing less and less business coming through the doors.

"It's sad to think that the economy is so bad that the drunks can't afford to drink anymore." Big Al said as he made a whiskey and cola for one of his girls after she had performed a pole dance for three truck drivers on a Tuesday afternoon. "Normally this place is packed from open to close," Al lamented. "But lately, this is as crowded as it gets in here."

And the dancers all have felt the pinch as well. Candy Butterthong, who has been a dancer at the night club since 1974 was recently laid off; a victim of hard times in the entertainment industry. She is now wondering how she'll manage to pay her bills now that she has lost her job.

"You know, I'm 56 years old and was making a good living as an exotic dancer. The lap dances alone paid for three kids to go to college. But since they can't find jobs either, they all moved back home. Now I suppose we'll have to resort to working at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand until the economy gets better.

Meanwhile, back at the Emporium, Big Al has cut back on other services at the night spot. "I had two titty trucks running, hauling salesmen from the hotels and drunks back and forth from their houses to get here. Now, I had to sell one of the trucks just to pay the electric bill last month. Do you know how hard it was to sell that truck? I mean, there isn't much call for a pink van with flashing hooters on the roof! Man, I hate that too!"

But, Big Al is also an optimist. "As soon as things get better, I see the old Emporium rebounding from this economic nightmare. We just have to hold on until the goofballs in Washington get voted out and some new goofballs get voted in!"


This edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by:

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Corpsedia is made for those moments that you just can’t take it anymore. When you’ve reached your limit and nothing else matters anymore.

Like all drugs, Corpsedia can have some side effects. These are some of the following you may, and likely will encounter:

Abdominal Pain,

Assorted Behavior Disorders,

Lack of Bladder Control,

Canker Sores,

Ringworm's,

Nose Bleeds,

Tenderness in the Breasts,

Reduced Hormone Levels,

Chronic Knee-jerk Reactions,

Bed Wetting

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Cross Dressing,

An Uncontrollable Urge to Pull Out Your Eyeballs,

Excessive Mucus Expulsion.

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Bleeding Eyeballs,

The Urge to Hit Yourself in the Groin with a Baseball Bat.

Utter Depression,

Lack of Sexual Satisfaction,

Bloody Stools,

Hairy Tongue,

Anal Warts,

Unusual Hair Loss,

Ringing in the Ears,

The Sudden Desire to Stick Your Head Inside a Church Bell,

A Bizarre Penchant for Buggery.
Also the following side effects have been reported:

MGDS (Male Genitalia Denotative Syndrome),

Explosive Diarrhea,

Genital Warts,

Blood Shooting from the Anus, Ears and/or Armpits,

Complete and Sudden Death,

Dry Mouth.

Consult your doctor to see if Corpsedia is right for you.

The Curious Urinal - 7/15/2011

DON'T CALL MY BLUFF!
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

WASHINGTON - Petulant is hardly ever a term one wishes to use when referring to ones president, but that is how one lawmaker described President Obama with Eric Cantor. The two apparently traded words, and it was said that the president stood abruptly, looked at Cantor and said, "Don't call my bluff!" and then stormed out of the room.

White House Press Secretary and liar in training, Jim Whatshisface, described the situation a bit differently.

"Eric Cantor was holding a pair of aces and the president had a two-seven. The flop came down with Cantor getting another ace, but the president garnered nothing from the flop. The turn and the river gave Cantor a full house, and the president warned Cantor not to call his bluff. That was all it was about, and that's the truth!"

Aside for the apparent poker game that broke out in the debt debates, it was also said that Senator Mitch McConnell was going to fold a pair of threes, but opted to play until the flop, in which he then folded and went for a beer.

No word on how the debates are going, other than the next meeting, the president will bring Uno cards, and Cantor is said to be bringing his Monopoly Game.


And now for Local News


OOPSY, I didn't mean to hit you. I thought you were an animal!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Local contractor and British Import, Cedric Bleedingmore, was apparently doing some work in the attic at the home of Rena Rubberdong, of Poon Point. At some point during the work, he accidently fell through the ceiling of the 100-year-old home, causing major damage to the ceiling and kitchen table below. Bleedingmore was rushed to the Buzzardbait Hospital and Garden Center for treatment of several wounds, many gathered after falling through the ceiling, as Rena Rubberdong attacked Mr. Bleedingmore with a skillet, as she was afraid that a hedgehog has invaded her home.

She said in a statement to Buzzardbait Police that she was standing at the stove, minding her own business, when what she thought was a hedgehog or some other exotic animal has crashed its way into her home. She said she had no choice but to defend herself with the iron skillet, not knowing that it was, in fact, Cedric Bleedingmore falling through her ceiling.

Mr. Bleedingmore was struck 200 times with the iron skillet, causing him to lapse into a coma. His skull was crushed, his arms and legs broken, his rib cage all but destroyed, and his spleen ruptured.

Ms. Rubberdong is suing Mr. Bleedingmore for $100,000 for damages to her home, and to replace her iron skillet --- now dented and unusable.

Donations for Mr. Bleedingmore are being taken by Buzzardbait Bank and Shooting Range.

This installment of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by:

Make Monkey Nuts a part of your breakfast. Heck, make it a part of your lunch and dinner too. We have tons of this stuff sitting in a warehouse collecting dust and mice.

Come on, for Pete's sake...

Eat some Monkey Nuts today!

The Curious Urinal 7/8/2011

Well, it’s that time once again… Maestro, timpani please…

It time to check the Old Mail Bag!

Our first letter comes from Little Billy Mufflubber of Poons Bay, OR.

Dear Dewaine,
Lately the wife and I have noticed that you tend to write really long and stupid stories. WTF? Why can’t you do what everyone else does and write short, pointless blogs that have no meaning?

Well, Little Billy,
If you want that, I’d suggest reading the drivel from the far left bloggers. Now that‘s pointless and should work well for you and your wife. In fact, I bet she is used to short and pointless everything with you! Conversations, meals, sex… Yep, short and pointless.

Our next letter is from Maxie Padenski of Bleeding Crotch, RI.

Dewaine, There’s a bet riding on this. What is the answer to this trivia question: According to the Farmers Almanac, what is the largest animal on Earth?

Well, Maxie, there’s a simple answer to that question. The largest animal on Earth is the Wildermonkeyelephantsaurusbeast of East Westchester, Northern South Asia. It’s that continents most unknown species. Weighing in at a hefty 2.6 million pounds, it is 80 feet tall and looks very much like a tree. They commonly travel in groups and can stand still for years at a time. When attacked by one of these creatures, the best defense is a chainsaw! I hope that helps you win your bet.

Our last letter (hold down the applause) comes via email.

It reads, Dear Dewaine,
My experience online lately has been anything but fun. In fact, everyone laughs at me and makes crude, off-color comments about me. I do not understand this. Can you help me?

Signed, bigrubberpenis, Dildo, NF

Well, I don’t know what to tell you there. Maybe you should just open up and accept that some people are just that way! Sometimes the ins and outs of online chat can make you want to pull out of the conversation, but just hang in there and maybe the answer will come to you.

Well, that’s all the letters for today. But keep those cared and letters, and emails too, coming in!

And now for something completely different
 
To most of the civilized world, the three S’s mean Shit, Shower and Shave.

But to those unfortunate few, SSS means Spastic Sphincter Syndrome. This horrific disease is debilitating and can be embarrassing as well.

Imagine you’re out having dinner with a lady friend (or male friend, if you happen to swing that way), and while your sitting there, admiring the look in their eyes, it happens. You have a colon blow right there at the table. The shit spews forth with the velocity of a speeding bullet down you pants leg and the god-awful smell permeates the entire restaurant. As you turn red with utter embarrassment, the oozing feces, resembling a thick (but runny) meat stew begins to run out of your pants leg and onto the nice clean floor of the restaurant. The kibbles of undigested peanuts are now piling around your shoes. In fact, some are in your shoes. Corn chunks from yesterday’s lunch are pelting against you ankles and spattering upon the floor. You cringe as you feel the wet, dirty water running down your calf as the contents of your bowels pour out in a flood of fecal matter.

And then you try to stand up, only to feel the gooshy ooze from your anus dribbling between your butt cheeks in large drips. Your underwear is full and the flotsam of fecal matter spills out and continues to run down your legs like Niagara Falls. You immediately run for the bathroom, leaving a brown, disgusting trail in your wake. The other patrons of the restaurant are now either sickened to the point of vomiting, or laughing hysterically at your misfortune.

This is a common occurrence for many with SSS (Spastic Sphincter Syndrome). But there is hope.

Research is going on at Buzzardbait University and Laundromat to improve the lives of those who suffer this horrendous disease. And with your help, these poor bastards can lead half-way normal lives. Those of us who haven’t experienced the nightmare that is SSS can only imaging (or laugh our asses off) at the misfortune these people suffer from. But with a generous donation, SSS can be treated. For a gift of only $25 a day, butt plugs can be purchased so that the afflicted can lead normal lives (although in much pain and a really funny walk). And for donations of $50 a day or more, Adult Diapers and wet wipes can be purchased also.

So, try to imagine yourself in such a predicament and pull out that checkbook.

Make your donations to “SSS Research Fund”- 7734 Leaky Anus Road, Buzzardbait, KY.

A sphincter is a terrible thing to spew!

The boss on vacation - Part two.

The Curious Urinal 7/4/2011
The Special 4th of July Edition

This is the second half of the boss' vacation log.

Friday 7/1 9:00 a.m. - Guess what? The bear is back. This time he has brought friends along. The trashcans have been mauled, and now the bears are looking at my car with lust in their eyes. I got the remainder of the hairspray and ignited it with a lighter. With my trusty Hairspray blowtorch, I'm gonna go cook some bear ass!

9:05 a.m. - Okay, so that wasn't such a good idea. The bears chased me up the long staircase and into the chalet. Now the bears are sitting in the hot tub. I called the Ranger Station, requesting the SWAT team again.

12:40 p.m. - Swat team shows up. This time they brought a helicopter, and what appears to be a small tank. The bears look pissed.

1:35 p.m. - The bears finally left after a brief shootout with the SWAT team. I didn't realize that the bears were allowed to carry guns in Tennessee. Apparently, I was mistaken.

2:00 p.m. - It's finally safe to leave and go get lunch.

3:10 p.m. - After lunch, we drove over the mountains thru the National Park and wound up in Cherokee, North Carolina. The casino beckons us. I'm feeling lucky!

3:45 p.m. - Well, so much for my frickin' luck! Lost $300, plus another $50.00 at the souvenir shop for colored feathers and a stuffed frickin' bear. I need a drink!

5:30 p.m. - Back in Gatlinburg. Hit the distillery where the moonshine is made. Bought 2 quarts and headed up the mountain to the chalet. I'm gonna tie one on.

9:30 p.m. - I'm drunk as a skunk. Gonna pass out now.

11:30 p.m. I woke up to the sound of splashing. Looked out the window and see two bears doing it in out hot tub. I'm too drunk to care. I go back to bed.

3:30 a.m. - I finally have to call the cops and the Park Rangers to send someone over to deal with these damned bears. They are playing the stereo way too loud and splashing all of the water from the hot tub. Plus the bears are now using the grill. I'm not gonna be charged for starting a forest fire. Smokey the Bear my ass!

Saturday 7/2 - 9:00 a.m. - Woke up to no bears, but did receive a bill from the Park Ranger Service for $4,500 in bear removal fees.

10:00 a.m. - Walking down the main drag in Gatlinburg. People everywhere. My God, I liked it better when the streets were nearly empty. Now there's a commotion. It's a frickin' bear parade. I kid you not! Several bears are holding a banner saying: Bear Pride March! A couple of bears are carrying protest signs saying: We Want More Picnic Baskets, and one says: Will Pose for Pictures for Food! The march is sponsored by Bear and Woodland Creatures Union Local 1313. Geez! I hate me some bears!

11:00 a.m. - We ate lunch at some hot dog stand that charged me $3.50 for a dog and relish. Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand back home has better dogs and a hell of a lot cheaper! Heading back to get more moonshine!

12:45 p.m. - Back to the Pay to Park lot to find my car covered with crap. Bear crap, bird crap, and I bet the squirrels have crapped on it too. Now I'll have to shovel the crap off of the windshield to see. I need a car wash badly!

1:10 p.m. - Local car wash charged me $97 to clean off my car because of the massive amount of animal feces. The car smells of fish, berries and the man says that I'll probably need a paint job soon. Just frickin' wonderful!

1:30 p.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend needs a nap. I'm going to have a nip of the moonshine. I think I deserve a drink at this point.

3:00 p.m. - This is lady friend typing. The old buzzard has passed clean out on the floor. There are two empty quart jars of moonshine on the floor with him. I'm going shopping without his ass!

6:45 p.m. - I woke up from my nap and found out the lady friend was gone. I'm stuck here with no moonshine left. I wonder if they deliver?

7:15 p.m. - Lady friend returned from shopping and brought a pizza back too. Chowing down on pizza and hearing something outside. Looked from the balcony and see the Park Rangers and the SWAT team are coming up the drive again. It seems the bears filed a complaint against me for terroristic threatening of a protected woodland creature. Being hauled to jail.

Sunday 9:00 a.m. - Judge Will Tryem proceeds over my arraignment.  My court-appointed lawyer tells the judge and the District Attorney that the bears are trying to run off tourism by accusing visitors of terrorism. Judge Tryem lets me off with a warning and a $500 fine for pissing the bears off.

11:00 a.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend has packed everything up and we leave the chalet. I'm heading home before something else happens. I'm eat-up with bug bites, been accosted by bears and hassled by the man. I'm heading back to Buzzardbait before the bears can accuse me of something else to put me back in jail. I hate bears! Did I already say that? Well, I still do!

3:37p.m. - Some old couple from Ohio, driving a BMW no less, just tried to run me off the road. I think the old bastard's drunk, or too incredibly freaking old to be driving. I hate bears, BMW's, and old non-driving people!

6:05 p.m. - Dropped off lady friend, who informed me I owe here a can of hairspray and pizza money. I emptied my wallet and we called it even. Geez!

6:30 p.m. - I arrive back home Sunday afternoon to find Buzzardbait just like I left it. Thank God, some things never change. After the ordeal I had the past few days, I need a vacation! Only next vacation, I am hoping for no bears, and no bugs!

In honor of July Fourth Holiday...

Let's all remember the people that made this nation what it is: Our Founding Fathers (and Mothers too!), and the military (past and present) that served this nation for all of us to be free.

Remember that we are a nation of many who have come and gone before us that fought to create a free nation and keep it that way. Never allow our politicians to take those freedoms away from us, otherwise we will become a nation of slaves!

Happy Birthday America!