The Curious Urinal - Friday 8/12/2011

The Curious Urinal Interview: Bert and Ernie

By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

There seems to be an online petition calling for Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie to be married. This has sparked much comment, controversy and lots of tweets in cyberspace. So, we at The Curious Urinal decided to go to the source and talk to these two 'Friends' to see what they think of all the brouhaha.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.

Ernie: No problemo.

Bert: Can we hurry this up a bit? I'm going to miss All My Children if we don't.

CU: But of course. So let's get down to it, shall we? Is the rumor true?

Ernie: Rumors are a terrible thing. They have two R's in the word, and a double R is a terrible thing!

Bert: Ernie, cut the crap, will ya? (Looking at me) What rumor are you talking about?

CU: The rumor that the two of you are... Dare I say it?  Gay?

Bert: Not that there's anything wrong with it, but no! We're not gay!

Ernie: Gay used to mean happy, but someone decided to change the definition and really foul things up for people. Gay people are fun to hang around. In fact, did you know that Oscar the Grouch is gay?

Bert: Ernie! Oscar the Grouch isn't gay. He's grouchy. Grouchy people are not gay!

Ernie: Like you, Bert?

Bert: Are you saying I'm grouchy?

Ernie: Well, every time I try to talk to you about something important, you get mad at me.

Bert: I do not! I just don't need to be reminded of the daily sponsors of the show. Every time you say the show is being brought to you by the letters and the numbers, I just want to vomit! But I am not grouchy!

Ernie: Well, there was the time I spilled milk and you went off on a rant about cows make milk, and I was upsetting the cows because of an accident.

Bert: I didn't say that, Ernie. I said that you pissed away $4 a gallon milk because you were clumsy!

Ernie: Piss is a bad word, Bert. Urinate would be a better word to use.

Burt: You want me to be politically correct? Okay then, Go intercourse yourself!

Ernie: Did you know that intercourse means to talk or debate, Bert. Like in Civil Intercourse?

Bert: I got your civil intercourse right here! (Grabbing his crotch).

CU: Gentlemen, the public is demanding that the two of you come out of the closet and get married. To be role models for the Gay Community. That would make gay and lesbian kids who watch the show feel better about themselves, and to promote tolerance for people who are different.

Bert: F**k them!

Ernie: Hey Bert, F**k is a bad word! You should say...

Bert: Hey Ernie, f**k you too!

CU: So I take it that there will be no nuptials between the two of you any time soon?

Ernie: Today's show is sponsored by the letters F and U, Bert!

Bert: Hey Ernie... If I didn't have a hand up my ass moving me, I'd kick your stuffed ass all over this room!

Ernie: Hey Bert, Big Bird wants his inflatable Chicken back. It's a boy chicken, you know?

Bert: What about Miss Piggy's anal beads? You sure have been hogging them!

(A rim shot is heard).

CU: Gentlemen, please...

Ernie: You know, Bert, I think you need something shoved up your ass in the worst way!

Bert: I've seen your winkie, Ernie. That would be no threat!

Ernie: That's not what your mama said!

Bert: Oh yeah, drag my mama into it, why don't you? At least my mama doesn't run around blowing Kermit the Frog for drug money!

Ernie: At least she's got a hobby!

Both Bert and Ernie laugh.

CU: Wait, is this some sort of joke?

Bert: Look, Ernie and I have been working on a new routine for amateur night at the Sesame Street Improv. And it seems to be working.

Ernie: And those dumb f**kers down on Sesame Street would pay big bucks to see us going at it.

CU: Much like the people online that want the two of you to get married.

Ernie: F**k that! I'd rather marry Lady Gaga. Damn, what a women!

Bert: I don't know about that. I like Katy Perry. She has a nice rack!

Ernie: Damn right!

CU: So, I take it that the two of you are just good friends and not gay lovers?

Bert: You humans are so f**kin' stupid. We're f**kin' muppets. We have arms up our ass all day long. Why would we want something else shoved up there?

Ernie: Besides, I'd have to be the butch one. I like it on top!

Bert: Too much information, Ernie.

CU: So, you're saying that the online petition is a waste of time?

Bert: If you people have nothing else to do but fantasize about muppets with a penchant for buggery, then you humans need to get a f**kin' life!

Ernie: We've been friend for over 40 years. Just because we don't get out much doesn't mean were gay.

Bert: It just means we don't get paid enough to go out and party like Kermit and Piggy. Their contracts are much better than ours. We got screwed early on when we signed our contracts. We get squat and the frog and the pig make the bacon!

Ernie: Like I needed to have that mental picture. Geez!

CU: So, you can tell your fans that you're straight and not getting married now of ever?

Bert: That's right. Now, if we're done here, All My Children is about to come on, and I don't want to miss an episode. I hate it that they are cancelling my favorite soap. F**kin' bean counters over at ABC!

Ernie: Are we done here? I have a meeting with my attorney. I'm going to file a class action lawsuit against the morons that want us to get married. I think they are a bunch of clueless idiots that have far too much time on their hands!

Bert: (getting out of the chair) Well, you tell that bunch of morons that we're not going to turn gay just so they can get their jollies thinking about us doing it!

Ernie: Hey Bert, I think you'd make someone a terrific wife one day.

Bert: Thanks Ern... Why you little f**ker!

CU: Thank you for the interview. Now I think I need some aspirin.

This edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by: