Is that a Trouser Snake in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
The TSA finally found a reason to grope passengers at the airport. They confirmed that a man tried to board a flight from Miami to Brazil with bags of exotic snakes and tortoises stuffed in his pants.
A Transportation Security Administration spokesman said the man was stopped after passing through a body scanner at Miami International Airport on Thursday. Security officials spotted the nylon bags filled with seven snakes and three tortoises hidden in the man's pants. The unidentified passenger was arrested.
The animals were taken to an animal game preserve and by the U.S. Department of Fish and Wildlife personnel and subsequently fed to an alligator.
Strangely enough, that wasn’t the only Trouser Snake story this week.
Buzzardbait resident, Pervis Winkler was arrested when he pulled his trouser snake out on a crowded bus in Lousyville yesterday. He claimed to be traveling into Lousyville to see his ex-brother-in-law, Cooter, when the incident took place.
Reports state that Mr. Winkler was complaining about having to urinate. He asked the bus driver to stop at a nearby convenience store so he could go. When the bus driver refused to stop, Pervis Winkler decided to do his business right there in front of everyone.
Aside from several gasp from some of the passengers, most of the crowd on the bus merely laughed. Several riders wrestled the Mr.Winkler to the floor of the bus until police could arrive.
Pervis Winkler was charged with indecent exposure, resisting arrest, and urinating in public without a license. His bail was set at $50,000.
Local Doctor explains the 6 Reasons You're Not Losing Weight
By Staff Reporter Willie Whacker
Are you one of the millions of overweight folks in America? Are you constantly dieting? Does you life revolve around the amount of food you consume?
Well, you’re not alone. Dr. Hesa Hockendaloogie, noted Indian dietitian and new resident of the Buzzardbait Clinic for Extremely Fat Folks, has laid out some guidelines on why you’re not losing the weight when you are dieting.
Reason # 1: Back away from the Diet foods!
Dr. Hockendaloogie explains that even though it had diet on the label, you cannot eat all you want and expect to lose any weight.
Reason # 2: You're Not Getting Enough Support From Friends of Family.
When you go on a diet, don’t expect your family to support you if you tell them that you’ll start your diet right after eating that half-gallon of Cookie dough ice cream with extra whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Tell them you need for them to beat you into submission if you even go neat the fridge.
Reason # 3: Eat Well-Balanced Meals
So, you like to eat, and that’s okay. But eating half a slab of baby back ribs, twelve helpings of macaroni and cheese, four bowls of chili and a diet soda isn’t considered a diet. Eat smaller portions, walk to the restaurant instead of having your lard ass hauled behind a tractor, and remember to eat sensibly. Also, stop eating at the buffet line. Sixteen trips to the salad bar isn’t a diet. It’s called gluttony!
Reason # 4: You're NOT Exercising!
Walking is important. Walking a buffet line isn’t the same as walking around a track. Join a spa instead of sitting at the Bingo Hall, eating greasy chips and shoveling corn dogs in your gullet. When you go to the movies, don’t get triple butter on your popcorn, and stay away from the 10 boxes of Raisinettes! When you go to the store, walk the aisles, not ride the little electric cart like that fat woman you saw at Wally World yesterday. You noticed she could walk to the candy aisle and stock-up on sugarcoated chocolate drops, yet she had to get back on the cart to roll up two foot to the Snickers bars. Geez!
Reason # 5: Stop Reading the Scale
Sure, it’s nice to see the pounds drop off, but only weighing one leg, and then thinking it’s okay to have that extra hamburger and milk shake isn’t healthy. Toss the bathroom scale in the trash and go to the nearest truck stop. Let them give you a true weight reading. Odds are, you weigh as much as a semi yourself!
Reason #6: When All Else Fails, See a Doctor!
So, you have given up trying to lose that extra tonnage because you think it’s too hard, right? Dr. Hockendaloogie has one piece of advice… Come see him at the Buzzardbait Clinic for Extremely Fat Folks and he’ll schedule you for surgery. He claims he can cut 25 – 50% of your body weight in one three-hour surgery.
Dr. Hesa Hockendaloogie says, “I can either cut your fat out with surgery, or I can take a chainsaw and whack-off those pounds. One surgery is cheaper than the other, and a lot less messy, but I can fix you right up!”
The Buzzardbait Clinic for Extremely Fat Folks is located on 5th and Main in Downtown Buzzardbait.
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
Buzzardbait Oil Refinery and Mud Bog
Buzzardbait, KY
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