The Curious Urinal - 7/22/2011

Local Establishment Fights To Stay Open
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Long before there was a Hooter Heights Chamber of Commerce, there was Big Al's Titty Emporium. The local nightspot has been around longer than most of the fast food restaurants, car washes and a few of the churches in Hooter Heights. However, like many other small businesses, Big Al is seeing less and less business coming through the doors.

"It's sad to think that the economy is so bad that the drunks can't afford to drink anymore." Big Al said as he made a whiskey and cola for one of his girls after she had performed a pole dance for three truck drivers on a Tuesday afternoon. "Normally this place is packed from open to close," Al lamented. "But lately, this is as crowded as it gets in here."

And the dancers all have felt the pinch as well. Candy Butterthong, who has been a dancer at the night club since 1974 was recently laid off; a victim of hard times in the entertainment industry. She is now wondering how she'll manage to pay her bills now that she has lost her job.

"You know, I'm 56 years old and was making a good living as an exotic dancer. The lap dances alone paid for three kids to go to college. But since they can't find jobs either, they all moved back home. Now I suppose we'll have to resort to working at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand until the economy gets better.

Meanwhile, back at the Emporium, Big Al has cut back on other services at the night spot. "I had two titty trucks running, hauling salesmen from the hotels and drunks back and forth from their houses to get here. Now, I had to sell one of the trucks just to pay the electric bill last month. Do you know how hard it was to sell that truck? I mean, there isn't much call for a pink van with flashing hooters on the roof! Man, I hate that too!"

But, Big Al is also an optimist. "As soon as things get better, I see the old Emporium rebounding from this economic nightmare. We just have to hold on until the goofballs in Washington get voted out and some new goofballs get voted in!"


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