The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/17/2011

WEINERGATE FORCES RESIGNATION
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

It's official -  Rep. Anthony Weiner has resigned from the U.S. House. In his speech, Weiner said, "I have never forgotten my neighbors because they represent the same middle class story as mine. And you know, we all like to drop our pants from time to time and take a picture or two, sending them to strangers on the Internet we want to have sex with."

He went on to say, "I went to public schools my whole life. My mother was a school teacher for 32 years. My father went to law school on a GI bill. The middle class story of New York is my story and I'm very proud of that. I'm also proud of my package, and thus I like to snap a few pics of it and send it out to women all over America." He then dropped his trousers and snapped a pic, tweeting it to a 'friend' in Seattle.

Weiner made his statement at a Brooklyn senior center. He was met by cheers from some of the women in the room, and one very effeminate man, as well as being heckled by some in the packed room.

Weiner, the seven-term New York Democrat,  then went on to suggest that he would take a time out to redirect his energy... Offline as opposed to online.

"Today I am announcing my resignation from Congress, so my colleagues can get back to work, taxing Americans into the poor house, making stupid laws and ruining the economy. And my neighbors can choose a new representative who might actually do some work on their behalf. And most importantly that my wife and I can continue to deal with the damage I have caused. She's already threatened me with a divorce and also said something about shoving a red hot poker up my ass. But this new free time I'll have should give me more time to pursue my photography hobby," Weiner continued speaking to the bored crowd.

Someone in the crowd shouted, "Take 'em off and show that puppy!" The effeminate man then brought out his binoculars to get a better view.

Although Weiner at first denied he had anything to do with sending any pictures to anyone, he later came clean and announced not only had he sent the pics, but he had been 'chatting' with a former porn actress/stripper among others (including a 17 year old that could land him in hot water if charges are brought against him). The porn actress/stripper, later identified as Ginger Lee, came out and said that she fully intended to enjoy her 15 minutes of fame by making sure the Weiner-man paid for his dirty deeds. Famed attorney, Gloria Allred, sitting by the woman's side, then began charging $10 per picture of the porn queen, and $15 with an autograph.

Weiner was repeatedly interrupted during his statement by a heckler who made it difficult for the humiliated congressman to finish all of his sentences. The heckler, who was later identified as an out of work comedian names Nipsy Smith, was taken outside and summarily beaten by some SEIU goons.

Weiner continued his boring speech, saying, "I got into politics to help give voice to the many who simply didn't have one. Well, that and to get lots of women, power, money and strippers. Now I'll be looking for other ways to contribute my talents to make sure that we live up to that most New York and American of ideals... Making easy money and sexting with strange women." He then dropped his pants and mooned the audience. The effeminate man fainted and was taken to a local New York bath house and enema bar to be tended to.

The rumor mill has it that Weiner may run for New York Mayor, or get his own MSNBC news show.


It's time once again for:

What They Say and What They Really Mean

What They Say:

Local Gynecologist, Dr. Willie "Buster" Hyman, is showing the people of Buzzardbait that he is a very charitable man. This week, he is giving free gynecological exams to any new patient.

Dr. Hyman recently was on TV promoting his services, and has been seen on other network shows recently. His vast knowledge of women's issues makes Dr. Hyman someone trusted in the community.

Visit Buzzardbait Clinic and Lube and Oil for your free exam. Located at 5th and Main in Downtown Buzzardbait.

What They Really Mean:

Local Gynecologist, Dr. Willie "Buster" Hyman, is showing the people of Buzzardbait that he is a very charitable man (Basically by ripping them off during the times he isn't being charitable, and then using other peoples money when he suddenly feels guilty). This week, he is giving free gynecological exams to any new patient (He's tired of looking at the same old parts of the same old women, and decided he needed some new parts to look at).

Dr. Hyman recently was on TV promoting his services (Cable Access Channel 69, seen by over three people monthly), and has been seen on other network shows recently (Most recently on America's Most Wanted and the 6 o'clock news for a string of home invasions and having sex with a goat). His vast knowledge of women's issues makes Dr. Hyman someone trusted in the community (Just not this community).

Visit Buzzardbait Clinic and Lube and Oil for your free exam (Make sure and bring $50 cash with you because you will have to enroll in Dr. Hyman's Special Insurance Policy which cost $50 a week for 50 years, or whenever you die, whichever comes first). Located at 5th and Main in Downtown Buzzardbait (Next to Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand and across the street from Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes).


This week's Curious Urinal Report has been brought to you by:

Monkey Nuts Cereal

Grab your Monkey Nuts at a Supermarket near you. 

The Curious Urinal  -  Friday 6/10/2011

Due to the entire staff taking off on a weekend trip to Las Vegas to see the midget cheerleading finals, The Curious Urinal semi-proudly presents:

The Milo Days Show And now it’s time for the Milo Days Show, with your host, Milo Days... "Thank you, announcer man. This is Milo Days, and this here’s my show. And today’s show is brought to you my friends at Dingleberry Wine. The wine of my life. Dingleberry Wine is the best damned wine in the world. It’s even better than that chit you buy at the fancy restaurants. You want a full-bodied wine? Then you better get yourself some Dingleberry Wine. Let me demonstrate. (The sound of chugging can be heard) Ah, good chit. Okay, nuff of dat. It's time for our first caller. Go ahead." "Milo, this here’s George from Dallas."   "Thanks for callin’. What’s your problem?" "Well, Milo, I lost my job about three years ago and had to move from Washington D.C. to here in Dallas." "Sucks for you, man. I know a lotta brothers outta work right now." "Well, my question is: Can an ex-president file for unemployment?" "Well, George, that’s a good question. My guess is dat you need to go to the unemployment office there in Dallas and ask. And while you’re there, man, yo might ask about signin' up for some food stamps and welfare. Medicade is something you might want to check-on, too, Brotha! But seein' how it's been three years, you may have a hell of a time getting anyone to give you any." "Thanks, Milo." "Don’t mention it. But remember, if you have the blues cause you lost you job, or your woman, grab yourself a bottle of Dingleberry wine. Let me demonstrate.'(The sound of chugging is audible again). That's smooth, baby. Yeah! I thinks I'll have me some more (More chugging). Baby, that hits the spot. Next caller, go ahead." "Milo? Barack here. Long time listener, first time caller." "Lay it on me, man!" "Well, Milo, I got me this job about three years ago, now I'm having to fight to keep it." "What's your job, brotha?" "Well, I’m running a big country and I need some advice. Should I raise taxes on the wealthy to pay for all of my social programs? Or should I wait till I get re-elected to do it?" "Brotha, you need to raise taxes like you need another relative on an expired Visa. No, man, you don't need to raise no damn taxes. You needs to stop spending money like there’s no tomorrow. Except maybe to buy yourself some Dingleberry Wine. The bold flavors make yo tongue dance in yo mouf! Dig? So, go out to the local liquor store and snatch-up a case or two for some of them Washington Parties! Let me demonstrate. (The sound of massive chugging is heard) That's goooood!" "Thanks, Milo." "No problem, man. Looks like we have time for one more caller. Go ahead, caller." "Thanks Milo. Listen, I recently got into a bit of trouble and I need your advice." "Brotha, what kind of trouble ya in? Woman cheatin' on you? Maybe you played hookey with some woman and her jealous husband is after you?" "No, nothing like that. I sent out some pictures and now everyone is going crazy over them. I mean, it's not like I was cheating on my wife sending them, you know... I just thought it was fun." "You ain't that Weiner fella, are ya?" "Well, yes." "Look here, man. You cheated on your woman. I mean, that's just lower than low. Here you have a good thing going and you screw it up like dat? Man, you are a crazy honkey. Look here, I tell you what you need to do. You take your woman a bottle of Dingleberry Wine, and you two get funky and maybe she'll forgive your white ass... Maybe?" "But, she's pregnant. She can't drink wine, Milo." "You cheated on a pregnant woman? I pity you, fool. You needs to man up. You needs to spend a few thousand on a diamond ring or maybe buy her a new car. Then get down on your knees and beg her to forgive yo sorry ass, Weiner-man! That's my advice, you honkey loser." "Thanks Milo. I appreciate it." "Yeah, right. Next time you decide to send out pictures of your privates, they may be on a tray being served to you to eat, Weiner-boy. You better have lots of Dingleberry Wine handy to wash it down with. Well chit, look at the time. I can see from the clock on the wall that it's time to end today’s show. I want to thank my listeners and callers, and to the folks at Dingleberry Wine. Tune in again next time for another excitin’ episode. Peace, baby!" This show has been brought to you by Dingleberry Wine. In four great flavors: Cherry, Blueberry, Flaming Berry and Chocolate Fudge! When you think wine, think Dingleberry Wine! The wine of the non-discriminatory drinker. And at a price any wino can afford! Dingleberry Wine... Squeezed from only the freshest Dingleberries picked daily from our factory in Buzzardbait, KY. Remember, if it's ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt! Dingleberry Wine Inc. Buzzardbait, KY. Disclaimer: The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after three or four bottles. Also, the aftertaste of Dingleberry Wine had been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass! Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following. Aspartame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenylketonurics, Small undigested pieces of meat, Wads of used toilet tissue, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and Flavoring.   The consumption of Dingleberry Wine can be hazardous to you health. The following can and probably will occur. Blurred vision, Eratic behavior, Memory loss, Hallucinations, Projectile vomiting, Explosive diarrhea, Loss of motor functions, Convultions, Complete and sudden death, Blood in the stool, on the couch and the recliner, along with a trail wherever you've walked, and Hairy Tongue Syndrome. Not to mention a real shitty taste in your mouth after drinking.   Never drink or drive - unless you just really have to do it, in which case, call your local hospital to have an ER standing by on your behalf. Remember drink responsibly and never, ever, no matter what anyone else tells you, stop drinking Dingleberry Wine!

The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/2/2011

The Curious Urinal Interview -

Anthony Weiner

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

This week has been an extremely difficult one for Rep. Weiner. Weinergate (TM) had thrown the volatile Democratic Congressman in hot water with his party. The Curious Urinal decided to investigate by speaking with Mr. Weiner - one on one - to clear the air once and for all.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.

AW: Yeah. Hold on, I'm tweeting a friend in Seattle.

CU: Of course. (Watching as the congressman dropped his trousers and snapped a picture with his cell phone).

AW: (Pulling his pants up) Sorry about that. So what was it you wanted to talk about?

CU: Representative Hot Dog, you...

AW: Weiner. That's Representative Weiner, not Hot Dog.

CU: Sorry. I was thinking about what I was going to have for lunch.

AW: Okay, no problem then.

CU: So, Representative Weiner, you have recently been facing allegations that you have sent lewd photos of yourself to someone through Twitter. What say you?

AW: I cannot confirm or deny that which I have no idea what happened. I think my Twitter account was hacked.

CU: But you just said you had no idea what...

AW: Excuse me a moment. (Again, Rep. Weiner stood up and dropped his trousers, snapping a photo of his junk with his cell phone). Damn, the light's not that good in here. (He again takes a photo using a flash). Ah, that's better. (He pulls his pants up and sits again). I have a friend that collects these.

CU: So, you're saying that you didn't send any photos to anyone?

AW: I cannot say with any certainty that I know for a fact that my account was hacked.  I mean... Hold on... (Once more the trousers hit the floor and a crotch shot is taken with the cell phone's camera). Ohhh! Good one.

CU: (Showing Rep. Weiner a photo that was sent to someone in Seattle) But this is you, right?

AW: I can definitively say that I did not send this. (Again, he stands and dropped his pants and took another picture). My friend in Seattle can confirm that I didn't sent that picture.

CU: (Again watching Mr. Weiner getting dressed again). So you are denying it is you in the picture?

AW: I have photographs. I don't know what photographs are out there in the world of me.

CU: So it could be you in the picture then?

AW: It could be. I cannot say with any certitude that is is or isn't what it appears to be.

CU: So, can you explain how this was sent to some young woman in Seattle?

Anthony Weiner in his

Welcome Back Kotter days

as Arnold Horshack

AW: I made it very clear I did not send that picture, that my Twitter account had been hacked, and the prank apparently has been successful. But after hours, almost 11 hours of answering questions ... today, I'm going to have to get back to work.

CU: Okay then, let's change the subject. Did you ever see The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

AW: I cannot confirm or deny that I have, yes.

CU: My favorite character in that movie was Frank N. Furter.

Anthony Weiner as

Frank N. Furter

AW: Okay, I get it. It's a bad joke about my name, right?

CU: Of course not, sir. I was just asking a question and making references to... Anyway, as I was saying...

AW: I see. Hold on. (Once again, pants around the ankles, he snaps a picture and sends it out. Pants back up, he sits down again). Sorry, what were you saying?

CU: I said, one of my favorite movies was The Bank Dick with W.C. Fields.

AW: You know, I get it. I was teased as a child. The bullies, all conservatives mind you, teased me because of my name. That's why I became a liberal. That way I could crucify those bastards!

CU: I see. So, did anyone ever pick you up, shove you in a bun and put ketchup and relish on you? (Hardly able to contain my laughter).

AW: Excuse me? How dare you! I... Hold on... (Once again, the Weiner-man dropped trousers and snapped a pic). She's gonna love that one! It looks so big in that shot.

CU: So, what about you wife? How does she feel about this Weinergate situation?

AW: I cannot confirm or deny that she even knows about anything other than the lies I normally tell her... I mean, the lies the Conservative media has told her.

CU: So, you're saying that she's okay with you snapping pictures of yourself in your speedo and sending them to a friend in Seattle?

AW: What are you implying? Look, I have serious work to do in Washington. My work is important so the liberals can take over America and then the world... I mean... Uh, Excuse me... (Once again, he stands and drops his pants).

CU: Thanks for you time, Mr. Wang...

AW: Weiner! Anthony Weiner... Oh, she's gonna love this one!


Disclaimer: Weinergate is a TM of  Insert Name HereGate Industries. Any usage of the term in relation to anyone is purely out of love and not meant to be a copyright infringement.

 

The Curious Urinal Friday 5/27/2011
A Special Memorial Day Weekend Edition

Local Real Estate Firm Hires New Agent

When times are tough, only the tough get going. Anita Mann knows this for a fact. When she first started in the real estate game, she understood that when times are good, they're very good, but when times are bad, the toughest hang in there when the rest go off to other career's.

When Buzzardbait Realtors found the lean times come upon them, they struggled as agent after agent left the business in search of a steady paycheck. But after two years of down markets and no paychecks, they found Anita Mann.

You may remember Anita Mann from the reality show 'Desperate HouseHo's' on The Phobia Channel a few years back. She was the champion house flipper that could turn a two-room shanty into a $500,000 dream home.

Now, living here in Buzzardbait, she went to Buzzardbait Realtors with a challenge: Hire me or lose your business. They choose to hire her.

She first sold the old McMeany Estate, complete with its hog processing barn and sinkhole full of old car tires and hog bones for the incredible price of $200,000 to Home Improvement Headquarters, INC. They proceeded to build the 50,000 sq, foot mega center full of light bulbs and lumber, putting  both Ben's Light Bulb Co. and Ernie's Lumber Yard out of business in days.

When Home Improvement Headquarters went bankrupt three months later, and after the looting of the building took place, Anita Mann resold the property to Mississippi Food Marts, LLC for $350,000. Mississippi Food Mart then put Buzzardbait Super Market out of business. When the angry crowds burned Mississippi Food Mart to the ground, Anita Mann once again sold the property to Consolidated Cybernetics Cooperation of America for $400,000 and within weeks, the burnt-out shell of the old food mart was revamped into the state of the art Monkey Nuts Cereal Plant, closing the old plant down the road.

Anita Mann then sold that abandoned property to the McMeany Brothers Hog Farm Company for $100,000 and earned a reputation as a wheeler dealer.

Unfortunately, the McMeany Brothers began fighting amongst themselves and the hog farm was turned into a tobacco-flavored cumquat farm that was leased to their father, Old Man McMeany, whom everyone thought to be dead. He currently has 10,000 acres of tobacco-flavored cumquats growing  outside the building once inhabited by Monkey Nuts Cereal and is renting the building out to his sons to live in at $10,000 a month.

As For Anita Mann, she is looking for that next big sale, so if you have a home or business you wish to sell, Anita Mann is looking for you!

Meanwhile, Across The Pond:

President Obama continues to break with tradition and protocol this week as he stumbled through a toast to the Queen of England, while speaking over their National Anthem, God Save the Queen. The queen was not amused and accidentally poured a glass of champagne into the lap of the president. The Secret Service wrestled the queen to the ground and had her arrested for threatening the president.

Later, he had a student arrested for beating him at a game of Ping Pong. But what set him over the top was his drinking beer in Ireland while wearing a Lucky Charms outfit while rapping Danny Boy with the help of DJ Mick.

Asked whether having the president of the United States sitting in their pub made them happy, one Irishman by the name of Patrick O'Mally said, "We're sitting here drinking with that American Chap and he thinks he's cool. Wait till we get him drunk, then we'll take that rap of his and shove it..."

A Secret Service member wrestled the man to the ground and had him arrested for threatening the president.

And now, here's your Horoscopes:

1. ARIES - The Liar
(the Ram - 21 March--19 April)
* Outgoing, usually to a bar or liquor store.
* Lovable, but only to their mama's and they could be lying too.
* Spontaneous, so long as it's planned.
* Not one to mess with, especially with a chainsaw or heavy equipment.
* Funny, especially when they are telling crude bathroom humor to you minister.
* EXCELLENT kisser, but tends to try to tongue kiss your father.
* EXTREMELY adorable, according to them.
* Loves relationships, so long as he/she are paid for their services.
* Addictive, or addicted, whichever comes first.
* Loud, especially when you drop an iron on their foot.

2. TAURUS - The Tramp
(the Bull - 20 April--20 May)
* Aggressive, unless it means they have to break a sweat.
* Loves being in long relationships, especially when the other person is in prison.
* Likes to give a good fight for what they want, most notably at mealtime.
* Extremely outgoing, and also dresses up in frilly lingerie when going to a bar.
* Loves to help people in times of need, unless there's a football game on, then tough titty, kitty.
* Good kisser, especially to the bosses ass.
* Good personality, if you like dull.
* A stubborn but caring person, otherwise known as a well-meaning asshole.
* One of a kind, and thank God for that because two of them would drive you bananas.
* Not one to mess with, especially when they haven't bathed in weeks.
* Usually are the most attractive people... When looking at themselves in a mirror.

3. GEMINI - Irresistible
(the Twins - 21 May--21 June)
* Nice, and usually easy to pick-up in a supermarket.
* Love is one of a kind, but lust lasts a weekend.
* Great listener, as long as it's them talking.
* Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out with a baseball bat if they have to, buddy!
* Trustworthy, except with money, other peoples boy/girlfriends, and church tithing's
* Always happy, especially when stoned.
* Loud in bed.
* Talkative in bed.
* Outgoing in bed.
* VERY Forgiving while in bed.
* Loves to make friends, or make-out with friends in bed.
* Has a beautiful smile, if they actually floss.
* Generous with other people's money.
* Strong odor.
* The irresistible one, according to themselves.

4. CANCER - The Cutie
(the Crab - 22 June--22 July)
* Most AMAZING kisser...Very high sex appeal, especially when drinking cheap wine in the backseat of a '72 Rambler station wagon with tinted windows.
* Love is one of a kind, but lust will do if that's all they can get.
* Very romantic, especially when they're by themselves.
* Most caring person you will ever meet, so long as you don't mind listening to them bitch about their last date, who can be found buried in their backyard.
* Extremely random and proud of it, and don't you forget it, asshole.
* Freak, super freak and freaking freaky freak... Freak out!
* Spontaneous when it's planned six weeks in advance.
* Great at telling stories/lies to cops when pulled over for speeding.
* Not a fighter, but will knock your lights out if it comes down to it, so don't push em!
* Someone you should hold on to and smear peanut butter on.

5. LEO - The Lion
(the Lion - 23 July--22 August)
* Great talker. They can go on and on for hours and say nothing at all.
* Attractive and passionate to blind people and with small furry animals.
* Laid back, usually at work when the boss isn't around.
* Knows how to have fun. Remember that time when they did the pantie raid at the nunnery?
* Is really good at almost anything, except for those things that are important, like most everything.
* Great kisser. Ask them and they'll tell you.
* Unpredictable. Especially when  running naked through the mall, yelling, "Look at me!"* Outgoing, but doesn't like to go out without a posse and plenty of drugs.
* Down to earth, usually after going out with their posse and doing all the drugs.
* Addictive, or addicted to the posse and the drugs.
* Attractive, but not when passed our with vomit and feces all over them after a hard night of binge drinking with the winos down the street.
* Loud, especially when snoring.
* Loves being in long relationships with chipmunks and other small, furry animals.
* Talkative, usually in bed while you're trying to sleep.
* Not one to mess with, because they'll wait till your asleep and then cut off vital sexual organs.
* Rare to find, and a damned good thing to avoid if at all possible.
* Good when found, better when left alone.

6. VIRGO - The One that Waits
(the Virgin - 23 August--22 September)
* Dominant in relationships. Comes complete with whips, chains and leather chaps.
* Someone loves them right now; probably all of your friends, your boss, and the high school football team.
* Always wants the last word. They'll sew your mouth shut in order to get it too!
* Caring, especially about the contents of your wallet.
* Smart, but only when it comes to spending someones money but their own.
* Loud. Like drag racer loud. Annoying as hell. Geez!
* Loyal until someone else comes along.
* Easy to talk to, easy to pick-up at the bar and spend a night at a seedy motel with.
* Everything you ever wanted, so long as you don't want too much.
* Easy to please, so long as you have cash.
* The one and only, and that's a good thing.

7. LIBRA - The Lame One
(the Balance - 23 September--23 October)
* Nice to everyone they meet, especially when being paid to be a greeter at Walmart.
* Their love is one of a kind, but usually three at a time.
* Silly, fun and sweet, and otherwise full of BS.
* Has their own unique sex appeal. They think dressing in dirty underwear and gym socks is sexy chic.
* Most caring person you will ever meet! Man, you're getting screwed on that deal.
* Not the kind of person you want to mess with... They will wait till your asleep and set your bed on fire.

8. SCORPIO - The Addict
(the Scorpion - 24 October--21 November)
* EXTREMELY adorable. Ask them, they'll tell you so.
* Intelligent. Can remember most of their ABC's and can count to 20 using fingers and toes.
* Loves to joke. Especially knock knock jokes that a 3 year old might tell you.
* Very good sense of humor. They usually will laugh at you when you're  undressed.
* Energetic. Can shop for hours with your credit card.
* Good kisser, especially to their bosses backside.
* Always get what they want, but screw other people from getting what they want.
* Attractive. They usually bathe and have most of their teeth.
* Easy going.  Doesn't care if they look like crap when visiting your family.
* Loves being in long relationships.  The longer the better, that way they can nag you for years!
* Talkative. You simply can't get them to shut up for longer than 30 seconds at a time.
* Romantic. Loves to spend hours alone with a dirty magazine and some wet wipes.
* Caring. They care about you so much that they'll tie you to the bed and break your ankles so you'll love them.

9. SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
(the Archer - 22 November--21 December)
* Spontaneous.  Has the ability to change their minds 30 times before breakfast.
* High sex appeal. They love sex with multiple partners, so eat your vitamin E and take a number, Bucko.
* Rare to find. Even harder to get rid of once they have you in their clutches.
* Loves being in long relationships with several people in several states.
* So much love to give, not enough time to go through the phone book.
* Not one to mess with. They'll shank you ass before you can move.
* Very attractive. Beauty also hide their 'ugly to the bone' alter-ego.
* Very romantic. Will sleep with anyone that pays them a compliment, or gives them cash.
* Nice to everyone they meet, because they think they might get laid.
* Silly, fun and sweet. Okay, maybe a little too much of each. After a while, it gets sickening.
* Have their own unique appeal. They like to dress in leather hip boots and dance naked in church to Lady Gaga tunes.
* Most caring person you will ever meet! Honestly, they care so much that they get on your last freakin' good nerve.
* Not the kind of person you wanna mess with because you might end up crying. They carry onion juice in a squirt gun, so watch it!

10. CAPRICORN-The Passionate Lover
(the Goat-22 December--19 January)
* Love to bust, and bust to love!
* Nice. Says everything you want to hear... Then when you're asleep, they clean your wallet out and run.
* Sassy. Say something and they will start an argument.
* Intelligent. This actually means smartass.
* Sexy. Likes to dress in rubber and do naughty things with vegetables
* Irresistible. You simply can't think of anything else because they use hypnosis on you to make sure you don't.
* Loves being in long relationships. But beware when they get bored, because they will bolt on you like a greyhound at a dog track.
* Great talker. They talk incessantly and never shut the hell up!
* Always gets what he or she wants. Again, hypnosis is used for that.
* Cool. Hot. They are never satisfied with the temperature.
* Extremely fun. Unless you piss them off.
* Loves to joke. Especially at your expense.
* Smart. They can at least read at a fourth-grade level and can add to ten without taking off their shoes.

11. AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
(the Water Bearer - 20 January--18 February)
* Trustworthy. Just don't leave your wallet/purse lying around.
* Attractive. Prettier in the dark.
* Great kisser. Once practiced on their dead uncle Lester.
* One of a kind. Two of them would be a disaster to the space/time continuum.
* Loves being in long-term relationships. Just don't let them around your friends, as they will try to lay them too.
* Extremely energetic. Can shag all night.
* Unpredictable. You never know what they will say when talking to your parents.
* Will exceed your expectations, so long as you don't have many.

12. PISCES - The Partner for Life
(the Fishes - 19 February--20 March)
* Caring and kind. Usually to invisible friends named Harvey.
* Smart. Knows how to read well enough to find a liquor store.
* Center of attention. Self-centered and proud of it, Bunky!
* Has the last word. Seriously, try talking to them and they keep on talking long after you're done.
* Good to find, hard to keep. And they'll tell you so, too.
* Fun to be around. Really. Especially when they dress in your underwear and run to the neighbors asking for a cup of sex.
* Extremely weird but in a good way. Like the time they drove across town to your house; got out of the car doing a naked 'Happy Dance' while yelling obscenities at your mother.
* Good Sense of Humor. Tells old jokes over and over because that's all they can remember.
* Thoughtful. Why, just yesterday they thought about you while using your credit card to buy porn.
* Always gets what he or she wants. Seriously. They will hold their breath till their face turns blue to get you to buy them something.
* Loves to joke. Unfortunately, they never know when to stop and usually makes you want to commit suicide to get away from them.
* Very popular, especially with midgets and carnies.

This weeks edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by our friends at Dingleberry Wine Company.

Try new Flaming Berry Flavored Dingleberry Wine.

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The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/20/2011

IS TOMORROW THE
END OF THE WORLD?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

According to Harold Camping, a minister that has once before set a date for the end of life as we know it on Earth (and was wrong), has once again set a date for the coming of Doomsday here on Earth. Even though there have been dozens of failed End of the World predictions, the latest one claims it will happen this coming Saturday, May 21st.

A few Las Vegas odds makers are making a 2-1 bet that May 22 will be here as scheduled and that the apocalyptic preacher is wrong again.

But according to Ruby Highchitter of Hooter Heights, she believes that tomorrow is the end of the world. "I've got my bags packed, gas in the car, and I'll be heading to the mountains. So when it happens, I'll be closer to the action."

Charlie Fishodor of Poon Point also believes. "I hope so. I can't take any more political ads! God, let the suffering end!"

Lester Hornswaggle over in Aureole Acres agrees. "With the shape this country is in, and the douchbags in Washington sticking it to us at every turn, I hope it ends! Maybe gas will be cheaper then too."

Of course, there are doubters among us.

Take Oliver Closeoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner, who said, "Anyone that believes that crap should have their heads examined." When asked what he was planning on doing if he was wrong, Closeoff stated, "I'll be fishing over at Stinking Creek Pay Lake, so if the end of the world does come, I suppose that I'll be sitting lakeside with a cold Schitts Beer and listening to Willy on the radio. It could be worse. I could be sitting in traffic listening to Lady Gaga."

Lydia Mufburger isn't looking for the end to happen. "It better not be the end of the world, otherwise my ex-husband will get away with not paying his alimony!"

Even local Bluesman, Milo Days, had something to say about the subject. While on stage at the Strike and Suds last night, someone in the audience asked him if he was planning on being on stage this Saturday night after the end of the world?

Milo, sitting on a stool with his guitar in his lap, said, "Cracker, if the world ends Saturday, then you'll find me laying on a cloud up in Heaven. I'll have my guitar in one hand and a bottle of Dingleberry Wine in the other. Otherwise, I'll be right here again Saturday playing my hits and drinkin' me some wine!" He then proceeded to play one of his hits, 'Big Breastesses Woman Blues' to a cheering crowd.

But then, there is the Reverend Dave Dollar of the Church of Some Guy named Dave, located on the corner of 4th and Main in downtown Buzzardbait, who says, "Harold Camping is the president of Family Stations, and he says that he figured out the date from signs in the Bible.
Now, of course, the Bible tells us about the Second Coming, but in that very same chapter, Jesus warns about all of these so-called false prophets. Now, some say I'm one of those false Prophets, but I'm not out preaching the end of the world like Rev. Camping is. I'm preaching about the end of the world by aliens that come here and zap everyone with bubble gum guns and steal cheerleaders to take to Mars!"

So, is the end of the world coming, or is it going to end on 12/21/12? Is the preacher going to be wrong again, or will he be right and make the Mayans out to be liars? And what about all of the other predictions that people have made over the centuries about when the world would end. All have obviously been wrong.

Even our Boss here at the CU said, "The Bible says, 'But of that day and hour knoweth no man. No, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.'" He then went on to say, "Now if the angels don't know, how the heck is anyone else going to be know that May 21, or any other day, is the end of the world? Freakin' idiots!"

As for the rest of us here at the Curious Urinal, if the world does end, we will probably not be putting out any more online newspaper, as the readership might not be there. Otherwise, we'll be back again next week and bring you more of what you've come to expect from Buzzardbait's only online newspaper... Either way, you won't be missing much.

The Curious Urinal - 5/15/2011
Special Edition

Osama bin Laden -
Porn King!

Abbottabad, Pakistan -
An extensive stash of pornography was found in the Pakistani compound of Osama bin Laden, which was raided last week by Navy SEALs, an anonymous U.S. official told The Curious Urinal.

The pornography taken from the compound was extensive and unique, said the anonymous source. Since Bin Laden's Abbottabad compound did not have Internet connection or telephones, he had to have the porn shipped to him by couriers.

Among the vast assortment of porn were the following:
Listed under Goat Porn were titles like On Goaten Pond, The Great Goatsbee, and Martyr Did a Little Goat.

Listed under Camel Porn were the following titles:
Double Humpers, I'd Walk a Mile to do a Camel, Bareback Jihad Camel Riders and Debbie Does Camel.

And it seemed that bin Laden was into Gay Porn, as he had several movies, including:
Shiek to Shiek, Jihad Warriors in Lust, Forrest Hump, Desert Baredevils, Where the Boys Are III and Backdoor Deliverymen.

Also, unreported to the mainstream media, there was an extensive collection of PlayShiek Magazines, featuring the Burqa of the Month Centerfolds and some assorted Victoria's Secret underwear. Also in a box were a man's sized leather teddy with a matching riding crop, hip boots and pink fuzzy handcuffs, and a few empty bottles of Enzyte and a Smilin' Bob Tee-shirt.

Also, according to the anonymous source, when bin Laden was shot, he was wearing a bustier, leather chaps and a pair of size thirteen ladies pink pumps.

The anonymous source went on to say that U.S. authorities did not wish for the general public to know about the porn stash, as it could be viewed in the Muslim world as offensive. But the anonymous source then said, "Screw em! Their boy, bin Laden, was a Gay Camel Humper!"




Osama bin Laden enjoying himself viewing one of his porn movies, The Erotic Adventures of Jihad Jimmy at the Goat Farm.

The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/13/2011

The Curious Urinal Interview:



Arnold Schwarzenegger 






By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

It was Monday when the official news came of the separation of former mega-movie star and former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife of 25 years, Maria Shriver.  So, hopping a plane to Los Angeles, this reporter got the interview of a lifetime with the Governator himself.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today, Governor Schwarzenegger.

AS: No problemo. And call me Ah-nold.

CU: I'll get right down to it, Ah-nold. This past Monday, it was revealed that you and your lovely wife, Maria, were separating after 25 years of wedded bliss. What can you tell us about that?

AS: (Wiping a stray tear from his face) MARIA! OH GOD! Why did you leave me?

CU: So, it was Mrs. Schwarzenegger who actually left you?

AS: MARIA! Whatever I did, I'm sorry! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

CU: Here you go. (Handing the Governator my handkerchief)

AS: (Blowing his nose, then handing me the soiled handkerchief back) Thanks. And don't call her Mrs. Schwarzenegger. She hated that name. She said she couldn't even spell it. Funny though, she never had a problem writing all those checks for jewelry and cars, using my name and money to get them.

CU: That sucks! And you can keep the handkerchief. I have more.

AS: Okay. Thanks.

CU: Are you okay?

AH: I was thinking about my wife (Fighting back tears again).

CU: Yes, your beautiful wife.

AH: That rotten broad! She left me because I wasn't governor anymore! MARIA! You broke my heart! Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

CU: (Feeling a bit uncomfortable) Well, let's change the subject, shall we. You are working on a couple of movie deals now that you have left the governor's mansion. Can you tell us about those movies?

AS: (Perking up) Well, I'll be starring in a movie called 'Cry Macho' where I'll be stretching my acting chops, showing my softer side. I don't get to blow up anything in that one, but that's okay.

CU: Great. What else is on the horizon?

AS: I'll be back (chuckling at his little joke) as the Terminator in another installment of the popular movie franchise. I'll play the T-1000 again, blowing stuff up and otherwise looking good for my fans!

CU: Excuse me for saying so, but aren't you a little old to play those macho roles? I understand that you would need extensive preparation to play that particular role, as your once buff body is now bloated and flabby.

AS: Ah, I see you have seen the tabloid shot of me in my swimming trunks. I was actually wearing body armor made to look like human flesh, so my normally perfect body was hidden inside the flabby-looking body armor. No problemo.

CU: I see.

AS: And regardless of what the critics say, I am not too old to be playing the macho roles, as I am still Ah-nold 'The Governator'  Schwarzenegger. I can still bench press the likes of Stalone and curl fifty reps of someone like you with relative ease.

CU: Well, let's don't and say we did.

AS: (Leaning forward quickly) I have a joke for you.

CU: (Sitting back quickly) Really? Go for it.

AH: Okay, here goes... A cannibal was walking through the jungle and he came upon a restaurant operated by another cannibal. Feeling a little hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu. It read: Tourist: $8.00, Broiled Missionary: $10.00, Fried Explorer: $12.50 and Baked Politicians: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all damned day."

CU: (Laughing) Good one.

AS: I could tell you more, but I have to go pump some iron before I go to the studio to start making blockbuster movies again.

CU: Yes, I think that would be a good thing. And I hope you get over Maria.

AS: (Sniffling again) Aaaaaaggggghhhhh. MARIA! I love you, baby! Why did you leave me? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

The Curious Urinal -Friday 5/6/2011

A Special Report from The Curious Urinal - What They Say and What They Really Mean.

We at The Curious Urinal from time to time like to inform you, the readers, that sometimes you have to sift through what the advertisers say to get to the bottom of what they really are saying. So, as a public service, here's a sample of What They Say and What They Really Mean.

What They Say:

Fred's Lawn Service is your one-stop lawn service in Buzzardbait. Fred's Lawn Service is locally owned and operated and can handle even the toughest grass out there. Our state of the art mowers are equipped with the latest technology, so we can easily service your hard-to-mow lawn with ease. Our rates are competitive and we can be at your home anytime of the day or week.

So, call Fred's Lawn Service when you're ready to stop mowing that yard yourself! Our state of the art messaging system allows us to handle you calls 24/7. The number to call is number is Buzzardbait 5741.

 

What They Really Mean:

Fred's Lawn Service is your one-stop lawn service in Buzzardbait (since we are the only lawn service in Buzzardbait - especially after old man Paxton, owner of Paxton's Lawn Care, ran off with Wilma Waddleson and sold his mowers so he could pay for the airplane tickets to Vegas).

Fred's Lawn Service is locally owned and operated (because Fred lives here, and not up in Lousyville, like the rest of them fancy lawn service guys) and can handle even the toughest grass out there (so long as it's not full of dog crap, as Fred is allergic to dog crap).

Our state of the art mowers (they have blades) are equipped with the latest technology (they run on gas), so we can easily service your hard-to-mow lawn with ease (although Elmer Emmerson's yard was a bit tough to cut as it had a rabid squirrel attacking Fred every time he came near the old oak tree the squirrel was hanging out in).

Our rates are competitive (since we have no competition in Buzzardbait, we can say that and charge you more than those fancy Lousyville lawn service guys charge - and what are you gonna do about it, huh?) and we can be at your home anytime of the day or week (except for the weekends, because Fred likes to go fishing and get drunk with his friends, or spend time over at Big Al's Titty Emporium, stuffing dollar bills in the G-Strings of the girls. Oh, Mondays aren't a good day for Fred, since he's usually hung over from the weekend. Friday's aren't good either, since Fred starts drinking around 9 a.m., so he's not trustworthy around moving equipment - Ask Norma Littleson, because she'll tell you that Fred ran over her cat and spattered cat chunks all over her front porch - and yes, the cat was on the porch at the time of the accident).

So, call Fred's Lawn Service when you're ready to stop mowing that yard yourself (unless you need him to do it right away, then you might want to do it yourself, as Fred's probably laying drunk somewhere at the moment). Our state of the art messaging system (Fred went out and bought a used answering machine at a yard sale a couple of weeks ago) allows us to handle you calls 24/7 (Just don't call after 6 p.m. or before 9 a.m. as Fred is apt to pick up the phone and cuss you for waking him up. And whatever you do, don't call while Roller Derby or Wrestling is on, because Fred has a tendency to cuss people out during those shows too).

The number to call is number is Buzzardbait 5741(Fred is using the old phone system because he's too cheap to spring for a rotary dial phone).

The Curious Urinal - Special Edition
5/3/2011

Osama Bin Laden is Dead

"We finally got the bastard!" Proclaims our unknown source in Washington D.C. "This is a big f**kin' deal!" The unknown source added, then went on to discribe the scene inside the White House.

President Obama strutted around the Oval Office, high-fiving his staff upon news that the Al Qaeda Leader and all around evil dude was dead. He did a few belly bumps with Joe Biden and Hilary Clinton, then went to shoot some basketball.

Bin Laden's DNA was taken, as well as some  8x10 glossy pics taken for future reference. Then, his body was weighed down with concrete blocks and was tossed over the side of a Navy ship to sleep with the fishes - in traditional gangster style.

Good riddence and we hope hell is hot enough for you!

In other news:

Starving Child will remain so until store is restocked.

Little La'Shequa Smith walked into the Buzzardbait Supermarket and Childcare Center yesterday with his mother. Ms. LaQuisha Hussain- Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones (yes, she's been married that many times) took her youngest of 11 children into the supermarket to buy his favorite food, Spaghetti Squares (that is the generic Buzzardbait version of Spaghetti-O's), but found the aisle had been wiped out, as their had been a sale, and every last can had been bought.

Now crying, Little La'Shequa (Elmo to his friends) asked his mother what had happened to his favorite food? Not knowing what to tell her son, Ms. Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones decided to ask the manager, Omar Hockendaloogy. Mr. Hockendaloogy didn't know the answer, but knew were to look. The surveillance tape from Aisle 13 (that's the canned snack food aisle).

Since there had been a sale on the item, he was sure that he would find several customers stocking-up on the tasty little Spaghetti-Square's, manufactured by Buzzardbait Food Processing and Dog Food Company, LLC. But what he and Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones, along with little La'Shequa, saw was incredible.

One woman raked the entire contents of the shelf, all 13 cans, into her cart, all the while rubbing her hands together and appeared to be laughing maniacally.

Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones looked at her son, all teary-eyed, and said, "Baby, that crazy white woman done cleaned-out your favorite food."

La'Quesha began bawling, saying, "There goes my breakfast and dinner for the rest of the year, and my Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners too!"

Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones then said, there ought to be a law against that kinda thing!"

And as for Mr. Hockendaloogy, he said that since the aisle was completely wiped out of Spaghetti-Square's. it would take a few days to replenish the stock.

"My baby's gonna starve by then!" Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones exclaimed.

Quickly thinking, Mr. Hockendaloogy called the Buzzardbait Food Processing and Dog Food Company, LLC. and spoke with Uma Trenchmouth, the sales rep, and secured a case of Spaghetti-Square's for little LaQuesha, that would be delivered to the trailer he and his mother and 10 other siblings occupy.

It's that kind of customer service that makes Buzzardbait Supermarket and Childcare Center the best place to shop on Main Street.

This Special Report has been brought to you by one of our favorite sponsors:

Duckwizz Bottled Water

Remember - If it's not Duckwizz, it's not All-Natural!

The Curious Urinal Friday, 4/29/2011

The Curious Urinal Interview: Katie Couric

By staff reporter Juan Motyme

The soon-to-be former CBS News anchor and correspondent sat down with us to answer questions about her impending retirement from anchoring 'CBS Evening News with Katie Couric'

But something told me that she was not in the mood to be interviewed. She had arrived with a half-drank beer - in the long neck bottle - and a freshly-lit cigarette gripped between her frowning lips.

CU: Thank you for sitting down withs us today.

KC: Whatever. Come on, let's get this sh*t over with.

CU: Ms. Couric, or can I call you Katie?

KC: Look, I don't care what you f***in' call me, just hurry the f**k up about it.

CU: Fine then. Ms. Couric, after five years doing the CBS News, you failed to bring the ratings up and...

KC: (A quick swig from the bottle of beer and then replacing the cigarette between her lips) Look, CBS can suck my a*s. They couldn't do anything right. They wouldn't let me do the things I wanted to do. They wanted me to do what they wanted me to do. So it's their fault that the ratings never f**kin' went up!

CU: But it's fair to say that you earned a great deal of money from CBS... $15 million a year to be exact, and...

KC: And I earned every f**kin' dime of it, scumwad! (She guzzled down the remaining beer in the bottle and tossed it aside. She took a drag off her cigarette then flicked it toward the wall) And if anyone says different, then they are a lying sack of sh*t!

CU: Ms. Couric, if I didn't know better, I'd say your a bit bitter about the whole ordeal.

KC: Bitter? I'm not f**kin' bitter! I'm f**kin' pissed off. I wasted five f**kin' years at CBS doing the schlock news when I could have been back at the f**kin' Today Show, having fun and not having to do f**kin' stupid interviews with people like you!

CU: Why? Because you get asked questions you don't wish to answer?

KC: I can answer f**kin' questions, dipsh*t. It's dealing with you lowlifes in the right-wing media that I f**kin' hate! All of you conservatives make me f**kin' sick. I think they should shoot every f**kin' one of you and then pi*s on your carcass. You always ask the stupid questions instead of throwing the softball questions we on the left ask.

CU: I see. Well, I can ask softball questions if you'd like. Let's see... What newspapers do you read?

KC: F**k you!

With that, Katie Couric stood, walked into a wall and cursed. She found the door and walked out.

On a personal note, I say good riddance, Ms. Couric.

The Curious Urinal - 4/22/2011
By staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Royal Wedding advice from Buzzardbait.

It's been almost 30 years since the last Royal wedding. Prince Charles' and Princess Diana's elaborate and much-watched nuptials were the talk of the world. Next weekend, Charles and Diana's first-born son, William,  will be tying the knot.

On April 29, the prince and his girlfriend of several years, Kate Middleton, will marry in front of a world audience. So, staff reporter Juan Motyme went to talk with residents of Buzzardbait about the upcoming wedding, and what advice they could give the soon-to-be royal couple.

Bizbee Fartknocker of Poon Point said, "First thing I'd tell that William feller is always make sure and take your work boots off before you go inside the house. I have done that for 30 years now, and the old lady never complains about me tracking mud or manure on her nice clean floors."

Bonnie Bunnfluffer of Hooter Heights says, "Tell that Kate woman that if that husband of hers ever gives her trouble, don't go to bed mad. Wait till he goes to sleep, then sneak out of the house, go down to the bar and find your boyfriend. He can always make you feel good."

Billy Bunnfluffer of Hooter Heights added, "Yeah, William, let Kate sneak out of the house. Then go next door to her sister's house and have yourself a ball!"

Bonnie and Billy left arguing about their advice.

Freddie Fudgepacker of Buzzardbait, along with several of his friends, suggested. "William, girlfriend, don't marry that woman. Find yourself a nice man and... Well, me and the boys here would love to show you how to have true happiness."

The friends all nodded and waddled away.

Mary Pitchfork of Buzzardbait offered a unique point of view. "So, if they are gonna be married, will that make William the new Queen?"

I had to remind her that William would one day become King. where Mary replied, "Noooooo. There ain't no King but Elvis!"

A special edition of The Curious Urinal 4/15/2011


And now for something completely different...

It’s the book sensation that swept the world, and now it’s coming to a theater near you. The story of a young boy who has special powers; and who is sent away to a school for other gifted children like himself.

Once at the Hoggnutt’s School for Gifted Heads, Professor Fondledork, the ancient head of the school, notices this young boy and decided to take him under his wing... To teach the young lad all about his special powers.

"Professor?"

"Yes Harry?"

"I realize that you are older and wiser, and that you’re trying to teach me things that I do not know..."

"Yes?"

"Well, why do I have to learn while naked?"

"Why, young Harry, it's to rid yourself of all of the inhibitions that keep you from growing, of course. See this? Now you see that in my hands, you can grow... Oh yes! How you can grow!"

But along the way, the young boy meets his destiny and begins a journey into the unknown world of Cannabis. There, he stumbles upon Ned the Narc, who tries to turn the young boy into a Master Head of the Dark Weed.

"Hey Harry? I bet you didn’t know that I was the one who killed your father?

"And I bet you didn’t know that when you did, I became the head of the household!"

"Meaning?"

"Take a hit of this and tell me who’s higher!"

But the boy, whose destiny was sealed from birth, fights the Dark Master and prevails. And with the assistance of Professor Fondledork, the young man learns a valuable lesson. That when life hands you weeds, roll em up and smoke em.

"Take that, you bad man!"

"Is that all you have to offer, Harry?"

"Well, I do have this!"

"Hey, fire that thing up. I’ll get the roachclip! And I can get some Twinkies, some M&M’s and some beer, too!"

"Cool!"

"Harry?"

"Yes, Professor Fondledork?"

"Was that the Dark Master?"

"Why, yes... Yes it was!"

"I thought so. Take down your trousers, Harry."

"Why, Professor Fondledork?"

"So I can live up to my name, my boy!"

Nineteenth Century Weasel and Ganja Productions presents:

Harry Pothead and His Magic Wand!
"Harry, this wand of yours is so big!"

"Thanks, Professor."

Rated NC-17 for really sick and demented things that might make you go "Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww!"

Coming soon to a theater near you.

This is a paid advertisment:

Honest Charlie Parker’s Real Estate Company is having its annual Wonderful Home Sale.

This is a very homey mobile home nestled in the woods near Cooter Creek.

It has three bedrooms, one bath and is move-in ready. $69,950




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The bathroom is large and can accommodate up to 4 person family.














This home can be yours for $99,995.

So come on down to Honest Charlie Parker’s Real Estate Company, Located at Main and 5th in beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait.

The Curious Urinal - April 8, 2011

A supplemental report from the Curious Urinal
What Not to Say
(or 'The Art of Tactless Speaking')
By Juan Motyme

These are a few things to avoid when in conversation with anyone.

Don’t say: “You look tired.”
Say: “Is everything OK? For a minute, I thought you had gone ten rounds with a diseased yak in heat.”

Don’t say: “Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”
Say: “You look great...Considering you look like someone drained every ounce of blood from you. Are you dating a vampire?”

Don’t say: “You look good for your age.”
Say: “You look great... For someone twice you age and in a crypt.”

Don’t say: “I could never wear that.”
Say: “I learned a long time ago never to try to imitate a tramp.”

What Not to Say at Work:

Don’t say: “That’s not my job.”
Say: “I’m not sure that I can screw something up as good as you could.” 

Don’t say: “This might sound stupid, but…”
Say: "I hate to sound as stupid as you do, but..."

Don’t say: “I don’t have time to talk to you.”
Say: “Honestly, if I had the time to talk to anyone, I'd rather it be with someone who I give a damn what they had to say!”

What Not to Say During a Job Interview

Don’t say: “My current boss is terrible.”
Say: “I’m ready to get away from that sorry, good for nothing asshat I work for now!”

Don’t say: “Do you think I’d fit in here?”
Say: “Do you think the company would mind if I stole some of the furniture and built a bonfire in the lobby?”

Don’t say: “What are the hours like?”
Say: "I hope no one minds if I take several weeks off at a time so I can lay around at the crack house and chill."

Don't say: “What’s the vacation policy?”
Say: "How long do I have to work before I take off for a six month vacation to shag your daughter in a seedy motel in Newark?"

Don't say: “What’s the day-to-day like here?”
Say: "Is this place as boring as the last ten jobs I've had in the last three weeks?"

Don't say: “Can you tell me about the compensation and benefits package?”
Say: "Do you people press charges if I decided to embezzle millions of dollars to supplement my gambling addiction?"

What Not to Say About Pregnancy and Babies

Don’t say: “Are you pregnant?”
Say: “ OMG! You look like you spent a little too much time at the buffet!” Or just simply point and laugh.

Don’t say: “Do you plan on breast-feeding?”
Say: "Your dress is cut so low it would make a baby cry!" Or, "Could I offer my services so you can practice breast feeding? I can even wear a diaper and call you 'mommy' if you'd like!"

Don't say: "Is there something you'd like to tell me about being pregnant?"
Say: “Uh, you have some 'splaining to do!”

Don’t say: “Were your twins natural?”
Say: "Are your little mutants going to be sold for scientific experiments?"

Don't say: “It must have been hard for your child’s birth parent to give him up.”
Say: “Wow, and to think someone would have wanted to give up those brats so you could raise them!”

Remember, tact is important in everyday conversation. Be wise... If you can't think of anything good to say, then blurt out something rude, crude and disgusting and run like hell!

The Curious Urinal -Friday 3/25/2011

A Day In The Life Of A Local Rock Star

From Staff Writer Juan Motyme

It's becomes apparent once you walk into the spacious digs of Sami Shagnasty (of Sami Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats) that you have walked into a rock star oasis. Concert posters adorn the walls. There, posters of Elvis, KISS, Lady Gaga and others adorn the walls. Also, there's a poster from the Huckabaloo Concert in Huckleberry, Indiana that she headlined; or the poster of Sami and Milo Days at their latest show in Buzzardbait's Strike and Suds. She and her band opened for Milo, and the photos acknowledge that.

Her photo, and that of her band, are barely noticeable while Milo Days and his guitar take up most of the poster.

And then, there are the Lead Albums* that line the walls in the hallway. Ten of them (it's a small hallway) that signify her contribution to the music industry.(*Lead signifying less than 100 units sold of any given record/CD). But to Sami, it's not about sales, it's about satisfaction.
As I passed these mementos of her success, I entered the spacious living room where Sami is awaiting me.

She was reclined in her Lazy Gal while she noshed on a bologna and onion sandwich and drinking a triple-thick chocolate milkshake. So when I asked her about what drives her to be who she is, Sami replied, “Maw mufix a buug fwakr em...” She chewed quickly and then swallowed. She began again, “My music's a big factor in how I lead my life.” She slurps her milkshake and continues, “I'm just an ordinary woman living an ordinary life!”

At five foot tall, she is a dynamo. At 450 pounds, Sami says that she has to eat alot in order to have the energy she pours into her music. So how does this mega-star live? You might be surprised.

For starts: She sleeps until noon, where she immediately gets up and spends the next 45 minutes in the shower. Another 45 minutes on the toilet followed by another 45 minute shower. After that, she finally gets dressed. Her live-in professional dresser/make-up artist lays out her clothes. Once she chooses what she wants to wear, she allows her dresser/make-up artist to dress her.

After this, she moves to the kitchen, where her private chef, Wolfman Fluke (recently a chef at Chez Vittles, a upscale fried chicken restaurant in Hooter Heights), has prepared her favorite breakfast: 10 eggs (fried) and gravy, pancakes (a stack of thirty) and gravy and a side order of gravy. After breakfast, she has a light brunch of bologna and onion sandwiches (only three), and a triple thick, 72 oz. chocolate shake.

From there, she moves to the living room, where she props herself in a Lay-Z-Girl recliner and has her personal masseuse, Raul, rub her bunions while she picks up her guitar and writes another mega hit.

Three hours later, she is whisked away to the shower, where she spends the next 45 minutes. Once toweled of by Raul, she then heads to the recording studio (located in her basement). Her band (all of whom live in the basement) have been waiting for her to make an appearance so they can be browbeaten by her constant criticism of their feeble talents.

Afterwards, she looks at me and says, “Honestly, I have carried this band for years, but since they are family, I keep them around. I could always dump them and go solo, but I can't really see breaking up the band like that! I'm no Yoko Ono!”

After a 30 minute browbeating session, Sami sings while the browbeaten band backs her up. They keep their eyes lowered in reverence, not wanting to have another cussing session thrown their way (Side note: She can cuss like an artist as well). Sami stops the rehearsal to cuss at them for making her voice sound bad and then throws a few marshmallows into her mouth. “Mah Fwkrs maf mef sund wik schif!” (actual translation not printable here). Withe the rehearsal now over, she storms off to the kitchen to grab herself a snack.

After a snack of three cheese burgers and fried corn, smothered in butter, it's time to head to the bowling alley, where the band is appearing in the lounge nightly.

Once the band and the roadies have everything prepared, Sami makes her triumphant entrance on the stage.

The Strike and Suds is abuzz with excitement. Bowlers are bowling and the people in the lounge are prepared for the show. Both patrons of the lounge nurse their beers while Sami sets up on stage and begins wailing. She goes through her play-list of hits.

After both songs are played, she begins singing hits from other artists until her 30 minutes on stage is over. The two patrons of the lounge applaud wildly as they take the cotton balls from their ears. One patron is overheard saying, “Thank God that's over. Can I get another beer?”

After leaving the gig, she returns home, where Wolfman Fluke has prepared a lite dinner of fried chicken, fried turkey dumplings, a T-bone steak (fried) with sauteed onions, deep-fried lard balls, some fried rice on a bed of Oreos. Also on the menu is a serving of fried Spam, eggs and cheese, a heaping helping of glazed donuts and an extra-large diet cola. "A girl has to watch her figure, ya know." Sami says as she begins feasting.

After dinner, she returns to the shower and then to bed; another day fulfilled.

So, when you think that all rock stars live a blessed life, think of Sami Shagnasty. Your life may not be as glamorous as hers, but at least she is living her dream while you toil and worry about putting gas in you car. So there!



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