The Curious Urinal - Friday 4/20/2012

SPECIAL AFTERNOON EDITION

Buzzardbait Bans Beers From Store Shelves -Many Are Miffed
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Alabama has banned a certain beer from their store shelves because of a dirty word. Fat Bastard Beer, brewed in Michigan, has been banned in Alabama stores that are allowed to sell liquor or beer (and there are precious few that do).

Not to be outdone, Buzzardbait, and all of Ammo County, has decided that there are certain beers that cannot be sold in any grocery or liquor store, and also any bars or restaurants, due to their perceived bad names.

For example, Fat Whanker Lager cannot be sold anywhere in the county, nor can Smelly Bear Ass Beer. In fact, the following beers: Old Piss Beer, Jock Strap Sqeezin's Beer, Floppy Titty Stout Ale, Bullsh*t Beer, Co**sucker Beer, You Effing Bitch Beer, and our personal favorite, Eat Sh*t and Die Lite Beer, cannot be sold in Buzzardbait, Hooter Heights, or any other county-approved retail outlet, bar or restaurant.

Big Al of Big Al's Titty Emporium, who sells these and other "Normal-named" beers, has protested the decision, stating: "Discriminating against certain beers because of their names is akin to racism, homophobia, and downright ignorance from a bunch of freeloaders in the county seat who want to keep the local residents from enjoying any of these wonderful brews. If you're afraid of the names of the beers, then what about Schitts Beer? Why can you sell Schitts and not Piss Beer?"

Good question... So we sought answers.

Irvin Schitts, who died many years ago, was unavailable for comment, but Ho Lee Schitts, his great-grandson who now runs the Schitts Brewery, said, "I was raised in China. There, we had many odd names for beers, most of which cannot be translated in English because they may come across as offensive to certain politicians and wussies! We were thinking of importing a few of these beers to the area, but now I think we will be unable to import such wonderful ales as Smelly Pus*y Beer, Fu*kin' Asshole Dark Ale, or my personal favorite, Bitch, Get Me a Beer Cream Ale."

Even some people in county government thinks the decision stinks. Take Oliver Closeoff... He says, "One of my favorite beers is called Fu*k Off Premium Stout. When you say Fu*k Off, you've said it all!" He added, "Hey, if these pansy-assed politicians can't run the county, then why are they trying to run liquor sales? I think they all suck!"

So, beers like Dog Wizz Lite, Old Sweat Socks Beer, and Cream of Sum Yung Gui Winter White Beer with Protein can be sold, but Rotten, Lousy Son of a Bitch Beer cannot be sold anywhere in Ammo County, thanks to our forward-thinking politicians.

Let's all remember that the First Amendment rights to free speech are under assault by these so-called leaders, and if I can't buy Fu*k You Mother Fu*ker Beer, then my rights have been violated!

Viva the First Amendment!

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The Curious Urinal  Friday 4/13/2012

SPECIAL LATE NIGHT EDITION

Buzzardbait Woman Arrested in Burgers for Sex Sting
By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker

A Buzzardbait resident was charged with solicitation Wednesday after she apparently showed up at the Phurr Resturant asking for sex in trade for some cheeseburgers.

Faith Knowmore, 47, was arrested after she allegedly offered sexual favors for two Phurrburgers with cheese.

Detective Inspector, of the Buzzardbait Police Department, invited Ms. Knowmore into his car on Friday and started talking about sex.

Knowmore allegedly said that her fee was two Phurrburgers-- with cheese --  costing a grand total of $6.75. Of course, Knowmore was also allegedly looking for a tip of $50 for her services.

The detective bought the burgers and drove to a vacant lot near Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, where a group of undercover police officers arrested Knowmore on charges of prostitution. It's yet unclear whether she was allowed to eat the delicious Phurrburgers before she was taken to jail.

When asked about the incident, Dect. Inspector said, "She must have really been hungry for those burgers, and just the thought of them made me go back and buy a couple for myself. There's nothing like a Phurrburger!"

Faith Knowmore was released on Saturday after posting $500 bail. Her trial is set for August. If convicted, Ms. Knowmore could be facing 10 years in jail and no access to Phurrburgers... Except maybe from a cellmate.


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The Curious Urinal - 4/6/2012
GOOD FRIDAY EDITION!

Buzzardbait High Preparing for Prom Night
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Okay, if any of you parents remember last year's prom, you probably spent it bailing out your kids from jail. Well, this year, Buzzardbait High School is sending the following warning to all of the seniors parents.

Notice to parents:

Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Senior Dance on Friday, May 27th. This years theme is It's Finally Time to Get Out of Hell!

Chaperone's are once again requested to attend this year dance as the high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers who chaperoned for the last two years. The dance has become dangerous and we need parents who can still control their children to please attend.

Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait over the last two years will also note that over 90% of the graduating seniors missed graduation day due to the bail hearings.

The brawls that have rolled out into the streets must stop. We are the only school in Ammo County to post more arrests records in the newspaper than graduation reports. Please, let's stop this from getting worse!

If you wish to be one of the chaperone's, the requirements include the following: being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds - as some of our students are fairly good sized. Also, anyone with pepper spray or a Louisville Slugger baseball bat (Except for aluminum bats) may carry those items again this year. We are also considering electric cattle prods for use this year as well. Last year they were nixed due to a shortage of D-cell batteries. We have an ample stock this year, so bring them if you have them.

Benefits to the chaperone's include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance). Also, Findem, Suem and Skrewem, Attorneys at Law, will be handling assault charges levied against chaperone's for a discounted fee.

Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/30/2012

If you follow college sports then you know that we are in full March Madness. As many of you know, the University of Louisville and the University of Kentucky are facing off Saturday in the Final Four.

Having said that, not one of the staff of The Curious Urinal has been productive at all this week. In fact, two of them (each a fan of either UofL of UK) got into a fist fight and were suspended. The rest have been making bets and drinking on the job.

So, in order to provide you, dear readers (both of you) with your weekly dose of the CU, I'm re-running the following -

The Curious Urinal Interview - Milo Days
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Today, we speak with Milo Days... The Best Bluesman in the Business! So, when we learned that we were fortunate enough to land this interview with one of America's busiest Bluesmen, we did our homework.

MD: Welcome to my humble abode.

CU: Thanks. This palace is wonderful!

MD: I call it the old country dump!

CU: 30,000 square foot of country dump, I’d say!

MD: Yeah, man, but I had to build a place big enough for my studio, and to put up all my gold records!

CU: Speaking of which, what’s happening with your career, Mr. Days?

MD: Call me Milo, man. I don’t do that Mister stuff. That’s so passe.

CU: Okay, Milo. So what’s the latest?

MD: Well, I’m working on my latest CD. It's gonna be called: Milo Days, The Blues Done Got A Hold On Me! I’ve been working my fingers to da bone all over that guitar. And man, I've been diggin’ it!

CU: Milo, your fans are very loyal to you. They sell out every venue you play. They buy every CD you put out. How can you keep being fresh in today’s music market and still be true to the fans?

MD: First of all, the fans are what I live for... Well, that and some Dingleberry Wine.

CU: But to remain relevant in the world of Hip Hop and Rap, Rock and Country, you somehow manage to make the Blues sound more appealing to the masses.

MD: Man, that ain’t no problem. Lots of folks are singing the blues lately! With the way things are today, most everybody is livin' the blues! And I know the blues, baby! I grew up on the mean streets of Buzzardbait. I have lived the blues!”

CU: But your parents were both professionals, if I’ve done my homework correctly. Your father was the first black dentist in Buzzardbait, and retired a wealthy man. Your mother was one of three of the founders of Kentucky Fricasseed Chicken here in Buzzardbait. She later sold her interests to some New York investment firm for millions of dollars. You went to the Buzzardbait School for the Well-To-Do, and graduated at the top of your class. You attended college at Yale and didn’t take up being a musician until after you retired from the Findem, Suem and Skrewem Law Firm.

MD: Man, did you dig up my arrest record, too?

CU: Actually, you have never served time in jail, and as far as we could find out, never did anything that was considered illegal, immoral or remotely related to living the Blues Lifestyle.

MD: Are you trying to ruin my career? Look, I am trying to earn a livin’ here! Stop telling everyone about my past, okay? Yeah, I did my time in corporate America. I paid my taxes and lived a damned good life. But the Blues got a hold of me and changed me from what I was into what I am today!

CU: Fair enough.

MD: Damn, you ain’t right; trying to mess up a good thing for me!

CU: Now, you do a lot of promotions for Dingleberry Wine. We checked the records and found that you made nearly a half-million last year for your commercials and other endorsements for the local winery.

MD: Yeah, so?

CU: Isn’t that like living the anti-blues lifestyle?

MD: Look, here’s the deal. I drink the wine and they pay me for my services and promote my CD’s and concerts heavily. Now, you got a problem with makin’ some dough?

CU: Not in the least. What I’m trying to get at is that...

MD: Look, man... I ain’t got no reason not to make money. It’s what America is all about! When some respectable person makes money, it’s called business. When a musician makes it, it’s called making a damned living! And I make a damned good livin’!

CU: Yes you do. Last year was a banner year for you. Your four releases sold nearly ten million CD’s last year. You get $5 a pop from the sales of your CD’s. That’s nearly fifty-million dollars!

MD: And rightly so, man! I earned my livin’! I play my ass off nearly every night somewhere across this great land of ours! Don’t think for a minute I haven’t earned every last dime of that. Now if I could just keep what I earned. The damned government wants to keep on takin' and takin' and handing it out to the banks, the car companies and a bunch of welfare cheats! I say screw em! Let em get out there and get a real job!
I earn my money, and I wanna keep it! You got a problem with that?

CU: I’m not saying that. I’m saying...

MD: Look, man... I have spent my career trying to be the very best bluesman on the planet. I've record more CD's than that damned BB King ever thought of doin’! Old John Lee Hooker never did half of what I do! And don’t even get me started of the damned Blues Brothers... Although they did give me the idea of making music instead of representing gutter scum, morons and thieves in court!

CU: You represented politicians in court?

MD: Yeah, man. Some of them needed to go to jail and stay there too! Old Charlie Rangel's done enough to serve life several times over. And he's just one of many that needs to see the inside of a jail cell and live the blues, iff'n you know what I mean? Maybe be some hoss' prison bitch. Oh, they'll be singing the blues in no time! But to answer your question, yeah! And that's what I like about the blues. I can play my music and not have to deal with those lowlifes!

CU: So, in other words, you have enjoyed your career?

MD: Damn skippy, I have!

CU: I hate to ask this, but what are your political views?

MD: I am an non-political kinda guy, man. Politics are for those that can’t hold down a steady gig, iff'n you know what I mean?

CU: Would you call yourself a Democrat, Republican or Independent?

MD: Are you asking me who I voted for in the last election?

CU: Well, not in so many words, but yes!

MD: Between you and me, I didn’t like either guy running. The old dude is a waffler and the other dude is a commie-loving... Well, you catch my drift!

CU: So you didn’t vote for anyone?

MD: I voted for the chick, baby!

CU: Hillary?

MD: Not that skank, man! The good looking one from up north!

CU: Sarah Palin from Alaska?

MD: Yeah, man! She’s the kinda woman I could be hanging out with and drinkin’ some wine and... Well, you know how that goes?

CU: But she’s married.

MD: So?

CU: Uh, never mind!

MD: Look here, man, I live the blues, baby! And there ain’t nothing that says the blues more than shaggin’ some married woman and making her man cry the blues!

CU: Or hunting you down and shooting you with a moose rifle!

MD: Well, there’s that, yeah!

CU: Well, thanks for sitting down with us today, Milo. Our readers will appreciate the open and honest story of your life.

MD: My pleasure. (Checking his watch) Damn, it’s time to go record. I better make a liquor store run before though. I’m running low on Dingleberry Wine!

CU: Need a ride?

MD: Nah, man. I got my limo driver for that!

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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The Curious Urinal  Friday 3/23/2012

Couples Therapy: 6 Reasons to Go
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Couples therapy sometimes can carry a negative stigma, preventing many couples from reaping its benefits. But there are plenty of reasons couples go to therapy, outside the threat of splitting up. We spoke with Anita Mann, Buzzardbait's authority on all things couples, and she gave us six common reasons she sees couples who are seeking to improve their relationship.

In-laws: Let's face it, having in-laws living with you can be like having wild animals in the house over the holidays. You probably hate them, wishing them death and dismemberment on a daily basis, but the problem with living with your in-laws may be simply that they serve no other purpose than to eat, sleep and butt into your business 254/7/365.  How to deal with the problem... Since you can't kill them (legally), here's the solution: Kick them out! Change the locks and pretend you're not home! Even if you happen to be living in their house at the time. Odds are that they will simply give up and move to Florida, never to speak to you again. Problem solved!

Parenting: I often see couples who have  children – That's the problem. Quit having those little brats! Children can be a big joy, if you allow someone else to raise them, otherwise they are little monsters that make noise, a mess, and refuse to pick-up after themselves. parenting can be a wonderful experience if you don't have kids!

Finances: This is one of the top reasons why couples break up. Someone’s a saver; someone’s a spender – The solution: Blame George Bush! The president has made a career of blaming George Bush for virtually everything, so why not you? Spend money you don't have, and borrow from China until they are broke, then go "Oopsie, I can't pay you back. George Bush made me do it!"

Religion: The solution here is simple: Marry someone that shares your beliefs, otherwise you'll end up in endless debates on whose religion is better, and we all know mine is!


Sickness or tragedy: For some, a trauma can bring couples together and for some, it can create a wedge. Deal with sickness or tragedy like I do... Ignore it! Who cares if your wife or husband is sick or dies? Let 'em! That's when you go out and find someone new and exciting, and forget about that old coot that you were married to before!

And lastly, Aging: Getting old sucks! Face lifts, tummy tucks, and boob jobs cannot stop death from slowly creeping up and biting you in your ass. The best way for a couple to deal with aging is to stop it! Don't get any older. Pretend you're 18 when you're 80. Wear clothing that looks ridiculous on you, get a Mohawk, a tattoo of yourself on your back that make you look like a circus sideshow reject, or better yet, refuse to act your age. Many couples can stay forever young by acting like children. Yes, there are mental health issues to contend with here, but who cares? Don't act your age, act your shoe size! You'll be much happier for the effort.


This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Buzzardbait Brewing Company, Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/17/2012

Local Company Promotes 'Man'gerie

By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker

Okay, call me a prude dude, but this latest fashion trend coming from Europe to the States happens to strike a nerve with me. Called Men's Lingerie, or Mangerie, a local fashion house is promoting this as the next big trend in male fashion.

We tried to speak with the owner of Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash, Irvin Girlin, but he sent one of his salespeople, Harry Reemer, to speak with us. When asked about the mangerie, Mr. Reemer said, "Oh girlfriend, this stuff is fabulous! I wear it all of the time for my partner!"

So, having been told that, I had to ask, "And does your 'partner' really like you wearing this kind of 'stuff?'"

"Dougie loves it, yes. Especially when I wear the pasties under the silky bra. It makes him so crazy, the silly goose!"

Well, Harry Reemer decided to demonstrate some of the new line of mangerie. We'll let you be the judge.

..This is Harry in the Mangerie he calls, Simply Sweet. It consist of a silky mansiere and some lacy manties. Also, notice the size 12 heels. Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash carries men's fashion footwear from sizes 6AA to 16 EEEE.

This is the same outfit, only coupled with the floor-length, sheer Silky Man Wrap. Mr. Reemer says, "It's so comfy that you'll simply want to wear it everywhere!"

Harry Reemer models one of the fashionable Mansieres (Man's Brassiere), made of heavy-duty silk-like materials and sporty A-Cup falsies to enhance any mans body. 

So, What do you think? Would you want to wear something like this? We asked several locals around Buzzardbait, and got some interesting reactions.

Jeb Cooter of Aureole Acres said, "Nope, not in a million years would I wear something like that!"

Whereas Slim Profit, owner of Slim's Used Mattresses and Sex Toys in Hooter Heights, said, "Well, if the better half wanted me to try it, I reckon I would. But not the high heels. No sir, I couldn't see my feet stuck in anything but my work boots!"

And Connie Crossmeandie, of Monkey Knuckles, KY, summed it up, saying, "If my husband wore something like that, I'd have to laugh, and then I'd beat him like a red-headed stepchild!"

Whether Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash sells many of these Mangerie items, the very fact that some men would wear this stuff really scares the hell out of me!

This Edition of The Curious Urinal

has been brought to you by:

Real Men Use

Buzzardbait Oil Company is another fine CCCoA Company

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America) 

Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/9/2012

Local Man Fears Cyber Attacks
By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker

It was a typical day at Wang's Computer Repair and Pawn Shop. Customers milling about, looking at used video games and jewelry, while others sifted through unwanted musical instruments and old Playboys. But the talk of the shop was very serious.

Harry Wang, owner of the computer and pawn shop, was speaking with a customer when I arrived, and the topic of conversation was cyber warfare. Peaking my interest, I joined in the conversation.

"So what are you afraid of when it comes to a cyber attack on the U.S.?" I asked.

Harry Wang shook his head, trying to get a grip on himself as he pondered such a deep subject. "I think I'm more afraid of what the foreign hackers would do to us."

"In what way?" Again I asked.

"You know, it used to be simple. You wrote a program, then you initiated it. Now, it's so much easier. You create viruses and unleash them on the computer world. My computer caught a cold from one of those viruses and hasn't felt good since."

"But you can purge the virus, right?"

"Well, it depends on the virus." He explained. "This last one was mean. My computer had the sniffles and a really bad cough for weeks. Poor thing."

At this point, I was really worried, but I asked, "So what else are you worried about?"

Wang, wringing his hands, replied, "Can you imagine if the hackers unleashed an army of Donkey Kong's on an unsuspecting world. Or Mario Brothers messing with the plumbing. And least we forget, Duke Nukem's running amok on our city streets!"

It was apparent that Harry Wang was delusional, but I couldn't resist the fun. "Or perhaps Zelda's and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles running around!"

"That's exactly what worries me!" Harry Wang looked frightened. "Space Invaders shooting up our cities, Kung Fu Street Fighters beating people up, and those thugs stealing our cars!"

"Grand Theft Auto!"

"Right! They could hinder people getting to hospitals, or work. People would be forced to ride the bus..."

"Or worse, lose their jobs and have to sit in Sim City waiting for a ride to the funny farm!"

"That would not be good, huh?" Wang got quiet and went limp. He looked at me and said, "If that ever happens, what in the world would we do about it?"

I replied, "It would be a Call to Duty, I suppose. Send in the military to take out those bad people!"

Wang seemed to like that idea, but quickly sighed, saying, "Unless they send in Transformers, then we're screwed!"

I nodded and smiled politely. "Right!"

I bid Harry Wang ado and quickly raced to the offices of The Curious Urinal, glad that I stopped by Harry Wang's little shop. But one thing has me worried... If there was a true Cyber Attack on America, would people like Harry Wang think that little Pac Men would be running around the streets, being chased by multi-colored ghosts? Or perhaps an army of Sonic the Hedgehog's suddenly running around bowling people over for spare change?

Sometimes it's better to not worry about it. I'm afraid that people like Harry Wang can't help but worry about it. And that's frightening indeed!

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The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/2/2012

BIG OSCAR NIGHT FOR BUZZARDBAIT
Story by Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

So there I was, dressed in my tuxedo, standing near the Red Carpet, microphone in hand, trying to get that interview with any number of celebrities. I heard a commotion, when out of nowhere came Sean Young. I asked her for a quick question, and she flipped me off.

Ah, Hollywood... Full of self absorbed movie stars and borderline talented reality stars.

I must have asked 30 or so supposed 'STARS' to field a question or two from this humble reporter, and had 30 or so rejections. All of the big celeb reporters were getting their questions answered--- Joan Rivers, working the Red Carpet like a shoe salesman at KMart, got all of her questions asked by all the stars that ambled by, yet this lone reporter was being snubbed. The would rather talk to that has-been, Joan Rivers, over me? The bitch!

Needless to say, it wasn't looking to be a good night for The Curious Urinal.

Then, here came Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, and his date. Stinky, seeing how despondent I was, came up to me and granted me a few questions. He shunned Ryan Seacrest for little old me at The Curious Urinal. So, I asked him, "Why are you here?"

Stinky, true to form, replied, "The swag and the free banana daiquiris!" Then he answered, "Actually, I'm up for an Oscar for my role in the latest Planet of the Apes flick. I hear I have good odds to win the Oscar this year. I was disappointed last year when I was snubbed because Tom Clues had me edited out of his movie, Mission: Apepossible: Monkey Protocol! That just sucked! And to add insult to injury, he boosted Tommy the Trunk Monkey's role! Talk about a bitch!" He added, "Speaking of which, I hope they don't give an Oscar to Meryl Streep this year! That would suck even more!"

 His date, looking lovely in a dress by designer J C Penney, said, "Stinky, come on. The E! people are begging for some pictures."

So Stinky gave me a wink, saying, "Women!" and waked away.

Later, Stinky the Feces-throwing Monkey won his Oscar.

Stinky, the Feces-throwing monkey accept the Academy Award for Best Primate in a movie about scientifically-mutated monkeys.

And that was it. I spent $600 on a lousy tuxedo rental, $1,800 in air travel, $2,000 on a swank room at the Holiday Inn and Suites, and I got one interview and one lousy picture. Oh well, at least I was here, rubbing elbows with the crowd that had gathered to gaze upon the vast array of Hollywood Stars.

Okay, so it wasn't a big night at the Oscars for Buzzardbait, but I did get to see Angelina Jolie's thigh, and that was worth all of the effort. I just hope the boss doesn't have a cow when he sees the expense report.

Here's the list of the 84th Annual Academy Award winners announced Sunday:

1. Best Picture: "The Artist."

2. Actor: Jean Dujardin, "The Artist."

3. Actress: Meryl Streep, "The Iron Lady."

4. Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, "Beginners."

5. Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer, "The Help."

6. Directing: Michel Hazanavicius, "The Artist."

7. Foreign Language Film: "A Separation," Iran.

8. Adapted Screenplay: Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash, "The Descendants."

9. Original Screenplay: Woody Allen, "Midnight in Paris."

10. Animated Feature Film: "Rango."

11. Art Direction: "Hugo."

12. Cinematography: "Hugo."

13. Sound Mixing: "Hugo."

14. Sound Editing: "Hugo."

15. Original Score: "The Artist."

16. Original Song: "Man or Muppet" from "The Muppets."

17. Costume Design: "The Artist."

18. Documentary Feature: "Undefeated."

19. Documentary Short: "Saving Face."

20. Film Editing: "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo."

21. Makeup: "The Iron Lady."

22. Animated Short Film: "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore."

23. Live Action Short Film: "The Shore."

24. Visual Effects: "Hugo."

25. Best Primate in a Movie about Scientifically-mutated Monkeys: Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey.



This Edition of The Curious Urinal was brought to you by:
 

Remember kids - There's a toy surprise in each and every box of Monkey Nuts Cereal! This time, we have 25 different versions of real, fake, artificial, faux Monkey Poop.

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Buzzardbait, KY.

THE BEST OF
The Curious Urinal Friday 2/24/2012

Due to popular demand (okay, only one person requested this), we here at The Curious Urinal are rerunning one of the Best Interviews ever.

The Curious Urinal Interview -

Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama.

We here at the Curious Urinal try to bring you the best interviews with some of Hollywood’s hottest stars, controversial figures, or political leaders. And today is no exception. The Curious Urinal was granted a special interview with the current and two former presidents. The following is the result of a hard-fought process to speak with the three gentlemen at once.

CU: Thank you all for agreeing to take a few minutes to talk with us.

WJC: My pleasure.

BHO: Any time.

GWB: Always good to speak to the press.

CU: Let’s cut to the chase. Mr. President, you are pushing for more and more government control over the lives of all Americans. The question is why?

BHO: I assume you are talking to me?

CU: Yes.

BHO: Uh, well, er, I wasn’t prepared to , uh, answer any questions pertaining to, uh, policy.

CU: But you can at least tell us what your agenda is pertaining to spending trillions of dollars, which has many economist baffled, by the way, to stimulate the economy?

BHO: Bill, you want to answer this one?

WJC: Sorry, you’re on your own.

BHO: Uh, well, you see, uh, it’s like, uh, I've been busy cleaning up the mess left by the previous administration...

GWB: There you go again. How many times are you going to blame me for what the democrats have been doing since 2006? And what you're doing now?

BHO: George, I believe the question was directed toward me.

CU: Well, anyone who would like to answer for you, Mr. President, would be fine.

BHO: Bill?

WJC: (Phone ringing) Sorry, Hilary is calling. (He answers the phone)

GWB: Come on, Barack. Answer the mans question.

BHO: I’ll have to get back to you on, uh, that particular item. I’ll, have Rahm send you, uh, some propaganda... I, uh, I mean information.

WJC: (hanging up the phone) Uh oh!

CU: What’s wrong, Mr. Clinton?

WJC: Hilary just found my collection of Hustler Magazines hidden in my sock drawer. She’s pissed!

GWB: I’ve seen her pissed. It’s not a pretty sight!

WJC: Even when she’s not pissed, it’s not a pretty sight!

(laughter)

CU: Okay, getting back to my original question. President Obama, can you tell our readers why you feel it necessary to continue spending taxpayers dollars on stimulus packages, over-bloated healthcare bills and bailouts when people are simply looking to find gainful employment?

BHO: I wasn’t aware of economic questions, er, being, uh, brought up. I’ll defer to Bill.

WJC: You know, I call Hilary my anti-gravity wife.

GWB: Why’s that?

WJC: Because she’s always up in the air about something!

(laughter)

CU: Gentlemen, if we could continue with the interview.

(laughter between the presidents continues)

GWB: You know, I kept America safe after 9/11. Old Barry here can’t keep Charlie Rangel out of trouble, much less stop terrorists from entering the country.

BHO: I take, uh, offense, uh, to that!

GWB: Why are you stumbling over your words?

WJC: Because there’s no teleprompter handy for him to read.

(laughter between Clinton and Bush)

CU: Gentlemen, I have to ask about mistakes made during your administrations. What do you think was your biggest mistake?

GWB: Not getting Bin Laden!

WJC: Monica. But damn it was good!

BHO: So far, I have been too busy trying to clean up the mess left by the previous administration to make any mistakes!

GWB: You know, if you weren’t the president, I’d pop you one right on the nose for that.

WJC: Hell, Barack, you’ve spent over four times the money in a year and a half than what George did in eight years.

BHO: Uh, I, er, had to, uh...

GWB: Clean up my mess! Yes, I think everyone has heard that song and dance routine before!

WJC: (phone ringing) I have to take this. I’ll be right back.

CU: So, gentlemen, next question: When you sum up your experience as Commander in Chief, how did, or do you think you have done?

GWB: I think I instilled pride in the military. Having had some experience in the military helped me to do so.

BHO: Come on, you were in the National Guard. Your military experience means nothing.

GWB: At least I served in something besides the Socialist Party and Acorn!

BHO: And you can’t even say nuclear, much less have the intelligence to deal with nuclear treaties and dealing with rogue nations like Iran and North Korea.

GWB: If your party hadn’t blocked me at every turn, I could have dealt with that. And speaking of not being able to pronounce words, Mr. Smartypants, what the hell is Epantsapation?

WJC: Sorry, that call was important. I know what Epantsapation is! The inability to remove your pants while on the internet. Hilary saw to that!

(laughter between the presidents)

CU: Seriously, gentlemen, The country is in turmoil and needs direction. Who’s leadership would be better at this moment?

BHO: Mine!

WJC: Mine!

GWB: The two of you together couldn’t run a whore house on a slow night!

WJC: I think I might be able keep em busy!

(laughter between Bush and Clinton)

BHO: I have been dealing with the mess left from...

WJC and GWB: The previous administration!

GWB: You sound like a broken record!

WJC: I balanced the budget, So my leadership would straighten out the current mess!

GWB: You borrowed money from Social Security and fudged the books. I saw the budget, remember?

BHO: And you spent money on two wars and cut taxes for the rich!

GWB: And everything was going just fine till Nancy and the gang took over in 2006. Then all hell broke loose!

CU: Could we have a civilized discussion here?

BHO: Look, uh, I have a tee time to get to. I’ll have someone send you a picture of me and that should suffice.

WJC: And I just got a call from an old friend who wants to have some fun this afternoon. I have to go.

GWB: Well, I suppose I need to go too. I have a meeting with Jeb about maybe continuing the Bush Dynasty in 2012.

CU: So this is it? I get 5 minutes and not one straight answer?

WJC: We’re politicians. We don’t give straight answers!

BHO: Good answer!

GWB: Yeah, what they said!


A personal note: When the interview ended, I went to the bar and had a few drinks and several aspirin. My head was killing me!

The Best of
The Curious Urinal 2/17/12

This originally published last year, but since we were all too drunk from Valentine Champagne, we decided to rerun this one.



This is a supplemental log from the publisher and head cheese at The Curious Urinal, Dewaine. The following is a detailed chronicle of how I spent my summer vacation. Some of the names have been changed so I don't get sued.


Wednesday 6/29 - I woke up to the sound of someone cutting grass outside. I crawled out of bed, stumbled to the window and screamed at the neighbor who dared wake me up at the crack of 9 a.m. Once I was able to wake-up, I got dressed and packed for my big vacation trip to Gatlinburg, TN. The lady friend and I were set to depart by noon, so I had plenty of time to shove a few things into my suitcase and haul it to the car.

12:00 p.m. (Noon) - Lady friend informed me that she was running behind, but she'll be ready by 1:00... 1:30 p.m. at the latest.

1:45 p.m. - Still no word from the lady friend. I think her tanning salon trip/nail job is taking a little longer than expected.

2:09 p.m. - Lady friend calls. She needs a shower and to apply make-up. Should be ready by 2:30... 2:45 p.m. at the latest.

3:15p.m. - Lady friend calls. She's just about ready for me to pick her up. I rush to the car, barrel down the road and get to her house in 5 minutes (Buzzardbait ain't that big, ya know). She is shoving luggage out the door to me at 3:20.

3:30 p.m. - I finally packed-up the car with her trunk, her suitcase, her laptop, her make-up, rollers, curling iron, cameras and assorted WallyWorld bags full of unknown substances (later to find out it's fruit).

3:45 p.m. - Finally in beautiful downtown Buzzardbait to make a bank run. We then stop at one of the local fast food eatery's (Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes) and grabbed two burgers to go.

4:03 p.m.- Finally made it to the interstate out of Hooter Heights. Traffic is at a crawl as Old Man McGriffer's tractor is being hauled to the shop, blocking two of three lanes of traffic.

5:30 p.m. - Made it to the Tennessee line. Running way behind schedule. At least traffic isn't bad and the drivers all seem pretty courteous.

7:00 p.m. These people driving need to have their licenses revoked. How do stupid people get to drive in the first place?

7:30 - Made it to Gatlinburg; grabbed a pizza (at the best damned pizza joint in Tennessee) and drove up the side of a small mountain to the chalet. WHEW! At least the chalet is nice!

9:00 p.m. - In bed and asleep from sheer exhaustion.


Thursday 6/30 9: 00 a.m. - Woke up to a bear sitting on the front steps. Tried to shoo the bear away, but the bear just looked at me like I was an idiot. I retrieved a can of the lady friends hairspray and sprayed it toward the bear. With an air of a bear without a care, the bear nuzzled up to the railing and fell asleep.

9:30 a.m. - Called the Park Ranger Station. The man said he'd have someone up there by 11:00 a.m. or at the latest, noon.

1:35 p.m. - The bear has awakened from his nap and now has started to take a crap on the stairs. Still no Park Ranger!

2:15 p.m. - The Park Ranger shows up... Finally. The bear looks at the ranger and charges him. The ranger gets back in his truck and drives away

3:00 p.m. - Park Ranger Swat Team shows up, but the bear has already left. He must have smelled the cookout from another chalet.

3:15 p.m. - I managed to sweep away the big pile of bear crap from the stairs and we left to go eat lunch.

3:45 p.m. - Downtown Gatlinburg is practically empty; maybe a couple of thousand people at most, milling about and doing the tourist thing. The economy must be keeping everyone home this year. Bugs are swarming here and there, but that's okay.

4:25 p.m. - After trudging through six dozen shops; dealing with the millions of people who seem to be following us everywhere. Damn bugs are becoming a pain. I'm ready to go back to the cabin and drink until I pass out.


Friday 7/1 9:00 a.m. - Guess what? The bear is back. This time he has brought friends along. The trashcans have been mauled, and now the bears are looking at my car with lust in their eyes. I got the remainder of the hairspray and ignited it with a lighter. With my trusty Hairspray blowtorch, I'm gonna go cook some bear ass!

9:05 a.m. - Okay, so that wasn't such a good idea. The bears chased me up the long staircase and into the chalet. Now the bears are sitting in the hot tub. I called the Ranger Station, requesting the SWAT team again.

12:40 p.m. - Swat team shows up. This time they brought a helicopter, and what appears to be a small tank. The bears look pissed.

1:35 p.m. - The bears finally left after a brief shootout with the SWAT team. I didn't realize that the bears were allowed to carry guns in Tennessee. Apparently, I was mistaken.

2:00 p.m. - It's finally safe to leave and go get lunch.

3:10 p.m. - After lunch, we drove over the mountains thru the National Park and wound up in Cherokee, North Carolina. The casino beckons us. I'm feeling lucky!

3:45 p.m. - Well, so much for my frickin' luck! Lost $300, plus another $50.00 at the souvenir shop for colored feathers and a stuffed frickin' bear. I need a drink!

5:30 p.m. - Back in Gatlinburg. Hit the distillery where the moonshine is made. Bought 2 quarts and headed up the mountain to the chalet. I'm gonna tie one on.

9:30 p.m. - I'm drunk as a skunk. Gonna pass out now.

11:30 p.m. I woke up to the sound of splashing. Looked out the window and see two bears doing it in out hot tub. I'm too drunk to care. I go back to bed.

3:30 a.m. - I finally have to call the cops and the Park Rangers to send someone over to deal with these damned bears. They are playing the stereo way too loud and splashing all of the water from the hot tub. Plus the bears are now using the grill. I'm not gonna be charged for starting a forest fire. Smokey the Bear my ass!


Saturday 7/2 - 9:00 a.m. - Woke up to no bears, but did receive a bill from the Park Ranger Service for $4,500 in bear removal fees.

10:00 a.m. - Walking down the main drag in Gatlinburg. People everywhere. My God, I liked it better when the streets were nearly empty. Now there's a commotion. It's a frickin' bear parade. I kid you not! Several bears are holding a banner saying: Bear Pride March! A couple of bears are carrying protest signs saying: We Want More Picnic Baskets, and one says: Will Pose for Pictures for Food! The march is sponsored by Bear and Woodland Creatures Union Local 1313. Geez! I hate me some bears!

11:00 a.m. - We ate lunch at some hot dog stand that charged me $3.50 for a dog and relish. Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand back home has better dogs and a hell of a lot cheaper! Heading back to get more moonshine!

12:45 p.m. - Back to the Pay to Park lot to find my car covered with crap. Bear crap, bird crap, and I bet the squirrels have crapped on it too. Now I'll have to shovel the crap off of the windshield to see. I need a car wash badly!

1:10 p.m. - Local car wash charged me $97 to clean off my car because of the massive amount of animal feces. The car smells of fish, berries and the man says that I'll probably need a paint job soon. Just frickin' wonderful!

1:30 p.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend needs a nap. I'm going to have a nip of the moonshine. I think I deserve a drink at this point.

3:00 p.m. - This is lady friend typing. The old buzzard has passed clean out on the floor. There are two empty quart jars of moonshine on the floor with him. I'm going shopping without his ass!

6:45 p.m. - I woke up from my nap and found out the lady friend was gone. I'm stuck here with no moonshine left. I wonder if they deliver?

7:15 p.m. - Lady friend returned from shopping and brought a pizza back too. Chowing down on pizza and hearing something outside. Looked from the balcony and see the Park Rangers and the SWAT team are coming up the drive again. It seems the bears filed a complaint against me for terroristic threatening of a protected woodland creature. Being hauled to jail.



Sunday 9:00 a.m. - Judge Will Tryem proceeds over my arraignment. My court-appointed lawyer tells the judge and the District Attorney that the bears are trying to run off tourism by accusing visitors of terrorism. Judge Tryem lets me off with a warning and a $500 fine for pissing the bears off.

11:00 a.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend has packed everything up and we leave the chalet. I'm heading home before something else happens. I'm eat-up with bug bites, been accosted by bears and hassled by the man. I'm heading back to Buzzardbait before the bears can accuse me of something else to put me back in jail. I hate bears! Did I already say that? Well, I still do!

3:37p.m. - Some old couple from Ohio, driving a BMW no less, just tried to run me off the road. I think the old bastard's drunk, or too incredibly freaking old to be driving. I hate bears, BMW's, and old non-driving people!

6:05 p.m. - Dropped off lady friend, who informed me I owe here a can of hairspray and pizza money. I emptied my wallet and we called it even. Geez!

6:30 p.m. - I arrive back home Sunday afternoon to find Buzzardbait just like I left it. Thank God, some things never change. After the ordeal I had the past few days, I need a vacation! Only next vacation, I am hoping for no bears, and no bugs!

The Curious Urinal - 2/5/2012

It's Super Bowl Sunday! But we're not going to talk about football. Instead, we'll talk about the boss and his lady friend, who took a long two week trip. Here is his travelogue.

The Vacation Travelogue.

Part One -
The Here Come The Mummies Cruise

Day One 

1:00 p.m. - I was all set to depart from Buzzardbait at 10 a.m.  By noon, I was still awaiting the lady friend to get her hair done, her nails dried, and her packing complete.

3 p.m. - We are on the road; stopping every 50 miles at gas stations and rest areas along the highway. Why is it that people have to pee so much on the road?

5:30 p.m., Had to stop for gas. Lady friend decided to shop for trinkets. $137.78 in shot glasses, post cards, and the occasional magnetic name tag that did not match any names of the people she knew. My question is: Who is Raul, and why does he warrant 15 magnetic name tags?

6:00 p.m. - After 6 hours on the road, the lady friend decided that she was hungry. We stopped for burgers at a place called the Greasy Spoon in south Tennessee. $16.99 got us 2 burgers, two small fries, and a watered-down cola each. The name of the joint sure reflected the utensils on the table. Yuck!

10:20 p.m. - The weather in Tennessee was cool, overcast, and otherwise fine for driving, but the weather in Georgia is rainy, foggy, and...  Was that banjo music I just heard? Get me out of northern Georgia!

12:03 a.m. - The lady friend has decided on a motel... Finally. We have stopped at fifteen different motels from Atlanta to Macon, burned a half-tank of gas, and she finally decided she liked the rooms at the Hilton. So much for the travel budget!

Day Two 

8:00 a.m. - The wake-up call from the front desk consisted of the following:" Get your lazy ass up and get out of here before check-out time!" All with a nice Georgia drawl. Sweet!

9:57 a.m. - The lady friend finally left the room. We barely made it to check-out before having to pay for an additional day.

10:30 a.m. - A quick breakfast of grits, hash browns and fried eggs. Grits suck! We're now on the road to Florida.

1:30 p.m. - We finally have entered Florida. We went from cool to hot weather about 10 minutes after crossing the state line.

2:00 p.m. - Pulled over by Florida State Police for hanging my head out of the window. $200 fine for that?

3:30 p.m. - Made it to Ocala. Found some friends that I haven't seen for a while. Went to eat at some Cuban Restaurant. I ate too much. Paying for it now!

12:00 a.m. - Sitting in the bathroom, feeling the after-effects of Cuban Cuisine. Good God, I think I'm gonna die!

8:30 a.m. - Finally out of the bathroom. I have nothing left in my system but fear that I'll make the same mistake again! No more Cuban Cuisine ever again!

12:00 p.m. - Lunch at Mickey Dee's. Still feeling the effects of the Cuban Cuisine the night before. There's nothing like greasy burgers to show your tummy how much you love it after a night of Cuban cuisine! Gag me!

1:30 p.m. - Back at the friends house. Both of them are sick, hogging the bathroom. The smell of the after-effects of Cuban Cuisine permeates the neighborhood.

5:p.m. - Finally out of the bathroom, the friends and I, along with the lady friend, go to dinner. Bronx-style Pizza is wonderful, even with the still queasy stomach. Greasy pepperoni and extra cheese does a body good!

10:00 p.m. - Said goodnight to the friends, and came back to the hotel. I ate Sugar Babies by the handful to kill the greasy aftertaste of the pizza. Also, had to call the front desk to ask for extra toilet paper, and some aloe lotion. Motel toilet paper is like 40 grit sandpaper on your tushy!

Day Three 

5:30 a.m. - Up at the crack of predawn, packed and ready to leave for the cruise ship. The desk clerk, dressed in pajamas, with bleary eyes, gave us dirty looks for waking her up so damned early. She tells us to have a nice day, pushes us out of the door, and shuts of the lights behind us.

9:20 a.m. Lady friend spotted sick pelicans on the side of the road and made me stop. She wished to render first aid to them. She brought out a box of Alka-Seltzer and fed several of the ill pelicans. Plop plop, fizz KABOOM! The pelicans exploded. Pelican parts permeated the perimeter. A Florida State Police car pulled up, and the nice patrolman wrote us a ticket for feeding the animals and pelican assassination. $400 in fines and clean-up costs, payable to the Florida State Police to keep it off our records.

12:00 p.m. Finally made it to the port. Hauling 300 pounds of luggage to the ship. The baggage handlers give me a dirty look for the weight of the bags. I slipped the porter a $20 and said, "It's all hers!"

4:00 p.m. - Now on the ship, we're doing the Muster Station Drill. We're lined up like a bunch of prison inmates about to get a rectal exam from someone with hands the size of ham hocks. It's pretty boring, except for the lady friend getting in trouble for incessant talking, and not following instructions. I didn't know they still used dunce caps, especially on cruise ships. I'm surprised they didn't make her walk the plank.

4:30 p.m. - Departing port, standing on the balcony of the suite and realizing I can't swim if this ship goes down.

5:30 p.m. - Throwing up over the side of the boat. Damned Cuban Cuisine and Bronx Pizza. There's a greasy, God-awful taste in my mouth.

6:00 p.m. -  Cocktails with the band Here Come The Mummies, who didn't show up. Met several nice people, all of whom ignored me and drooled over the lady friend. Her dress is cut so low it would make a baby cry!

8:30 p.m. -  After the cocktail party, we're sitting in the fancy dining hall restaurant inside the ship. Wonderful, they are having Cuban Cuisine Night.

10:00 p.m. -  Sitting in the medical room on deck 1, having Pepto Bismol feed to me thru an IV.

12:00 a.m. - Finally back in the room, going to bed. Still belching Cuban Cuisine.

Day Four

6:00 a.m. - Up way too early, but feeling better. Walked out on the balcony and a pelican shat on my head. Time for a shower.

9:00 a.m. - Breakfast, and wandering around the ship. Took a try on the rock wall. The safety cable broke, and I fell twenty feet. Back to the medical center.

5:00 p.m. - One sprained knee and a bruised hip later, I am now walking with crutches. The lady friend and I head to the first Here Come The Mummies concert. It was a great show, but fell down the stairs when the crutches snagged a woman's foot. Back to the infirmary.

12:00 a.m. - Back to the room, seven stitches in my head and an icepack later, I'm ready for bed.

Day Five 

9:00 a.m. - I fell as I got out of the bed (tripped over the crutches). A gurney wheels me to the medical center. Re-twisted my knee, bruised my leg, and had stitches in my head where it came into contact with the wall when I fell out of bed. Okay, my head went thru the wall. Not a great way to start the day!

3:00 p.m. - Lady friend is shopping, so I'm back in the room by myself. My leg is propped up on pillows and I'm finally going to get to watch TV.

3:10 p.m. - Lady friend returns to the room with $800 worth of souvenirs, all charged to the room, of course.

5:30 p.m. - Heading to the 2nd Mummies concert. I find a safe spot to sit, and realize that my knee will not bend, so I have to sit sideways on the edge of the seat and watch the show with my head craned to the left. After the show, I can't straighten out the neck,. Heading back to the medical center.

8:30 p.m. - The formal dinner with the ships captain. I'm in my best suit, with crutches, a neck brace, and looking like I was hit by a truck. The captain looks at me and shakes his head, saying, "You look like you were hit by a truck!"
After that, he walked away and I had to try to eat with my neck craned to the left, with my right leg jutting out in the aisle. Several tripped waiters later, I'm escorted out of the restaurant and back to my room with a dish of cold rice and something that resembles snails.

Day Six

9:00 a.m. - The ship arrives at the port in Cozumel, Mexico. We debark the ship, and I am immediately questioned by the Mexican Police about trying to sneak weapons into the country. The lady friend goes shopping while I'm detained and questioned.

3:00 p.m. - I am cleared and allowed to leave the police station. I hobble to Senor Frog's and have a Dos Equis. The bartender feels sorry for me and gives me my beer for full price. Very nice of her, I must say. I spot the lady friend carrying several large bags toward the ship. I hobble back to the ship and find her in the room with $600 worth of tee shirts and assorted jewelry, and at least two sets of maracas. And, of course, it was all charged to the room.

8:30 p.m. - Back to sea, the weather is feeling like rain, so the lady friend and I go to eat at the Windjammer Restaurant. Three plates of real food, instead of the crap served at the fancy restaurant. I'm full and ready for the midnight concert.

12:00 a.m. - Here Come The Mummies are rockin'! I get up to dance (we're seated in the balcony, front row) I lose my balance and fall over the balcony, landing on some really nice people who helped to load me on the gurney. Back to the medical center.

Day Seven

7:00 a.m. - I'm released from the medical center, with a fractured leg, a sprained back, a concussion, and feeling lucky. I use the wheelchair to go to the casino. After stuffing a hundred dollar bill into the machine, I played for fifteen minutes and cashed out a quarter. $.25 cents! Wow, I felt lucky too. I hand the machine over to some elderly woman who put a dollar in and won $700. Bitch!

5:30 p.m. The cocktail party with Here Come The Mummies. The guys all signed my cast, bought me some wine, and made my cruise a good one, regardless of everything else. Thank You Mummies!

10:00 p.m. All packed and ready to depart the shop the following morning. The lady friend complained that she didn't have a good time because I was too busy to spend any time with her. She gets upset and goes to the casino. She spends $2000, all charged to the room, of course.

Day Eight

8:00 a.m. - Standing in line for Customs. I cannot carry my own bags, as I have crutches and a wheelchair, all charged to my room. Once thru customs, I have to meet with the representatives from the cruise line. I owe them $13,472.19 for charges made to the room, plus the medical equipment and care rendered while on board.

12:30 p.m. - After talking to the bank back home, I have my savings account nearly wiped out paying for the charges and other items to the cruise line. Lady friend is upset with me because all I can think about is money!

3:00 p.m. - Heading up to Orlando, a gravel truck throws gravel into my windshield. I cannot see from the cracked glass. A friendly Florida Highway Patrolman comes by and writes me a ticket for driving with a busted windshield.

8:00 p.m. - $800 worth of window replacement at some place called Honest Bubba's House of Glass.  I really don't think he was that damned honest!


Part Two -
The Disney Parks Vacation 
Day Nine

9:00 a.m. - I finally can walk again. The leg hurts, but the wheelchair makes my ass sore. Walking is better anyway. I realize that I won't be able to ride anything with a cast on, so We drive to the nearest drugstore to buy pain meds and Ace Bandages to wrap my busted-ass leg up. While I am removing the cast to wrap my leg with the bandages, the lady friend buys up several boxes of Alka-Seltzer. She has a far-away look in her eyes as she leaves the store. After that, the lady friend and I head to Disney World.

3:00 p.m. - We're checked into our room and have our gate passes in hand, so we head to EPCOT! Once there, the lady friend informs me that she isn't riding any rides with me, so I decide to walk around and be bored with her.

4:30 p.m. - Lady friend feeds the pelicans that were all around the park some Alka-Seltzer. Plop plop, fizz BOOM! Pelican parts fly everywhere. I distance myself from the lady friend and pretend not to know her. She is ejected from the park. I got to ride everything I wanted after that!

9:00 p.m. - Lady friend is upset with me because I didn't defend her honor. I explained that Disney didn't like their birds harmed. She couldn't understand why, seeing how it was just a few dozen birds that were whacked, and not some bratty-assed kids.

Day Ten

9:00 a.m. - The Magic Kingdom awaits. Lady friend changes her appearance to get into the park. Apparently they did not take her name down, so she gets in.

10:00 a.m. - The lady friend informs me that she is not riding anything with me that even appears to be dangerous. I assured her that Space Mountain was a kiddie ride and that she would be just fine.

10:15 a.m. - I'm now sporting a black eye and a big bruise across my right cheek. Lady friend is puking her guts up now, and apparently hates me. I leave her in the bathroom while I ride Space Mountain again.

3:00 p.m. The lady friend decides to be sneaky and breaks up several Alka-Seltzers and tosses them on the ground and walks casually away as the pelicans and gulls begin eating it. Plop plop, fizz KERPOW! Pelican parts and Gull guts spatter all over a group of Argentinian cheerleaders. A group vomit ensues. I see the lady friend hiding behind Mickey Mouse, laughing hysterically.

3:15 p.m. - The Lady friend is escorted out of the Magic Kingdom. I ride all of the rides I want thereafter.

10:00 p.m. - After dinner (a very quiet dinner, as the lady friend refuses to speak to me now), I get showered and into bed. The lady friend decides to go to the pool and sit. Five minutes later, she's pounding on the door, demanding to get in. I let her in and she tells me that she bought hair dye and dark glasses. She went into the bathroom blonde, and came out a brunette.

Day Eleven

10:00 a.m. - We head to Hollywood Studios. I want to ride the Aerosmith Rockin' Roller Coaster, but the lady friend refuses to even try it. I ride it alone... 6 times. Meanwhile, the lady friend is scoping out the native avian collection. She spots a group of gulls and a party of pelicans and tosses Alka-Seltzer their way, but doing so from behind a very large woman who hides her. The birds explode in a display seen only while watching fireworks. Bird parts fly onto several passersby, and the large woman is escorted away for Avian Assassination. One officer is overheard saying that there seems to be a rash of that in the park lately. Star Tours Rocked! I rode it seven times!

7:00 p.m. - After dinner, we return to the room. The lady friend is now plotting her next bird explosion. She is starting to remind me of Wile E. Coyote in the Roadrunner cartoons. She has an easel up, with detailed plans drawn on a large pad of paper. Where she obtained any of that is beyond me. All she needs is some Acme delivery and... Wait, there's a knock at the door.

7:05 p.m. An Acme representative delivered a case of super-exploding Alka-Seltzer. Oh geez! She is laughing maniacally.

Day Twelve

9:00 a.m. We checked out of the motel and took a bus to the last park.

10:00 a.m. - We are entering the Disney Animal Safari. There are birds everywhere. The lady friend had an evil look in her eyes. Something bad is gonna happen, I just know it!

10:30 a.m. - There are pieces of Alka-Seltzer being tossed into the protected areas where the birds are kept. Parrots, pelicans, gulls, and any other bird that happened to be nearby exploded by the hundreds. The entire park is shut down to clean up the bird parts. The lady friend pointed to some elderly man in a stroller and said, I saw him do it. The old man is forcibly taken into custody. The lady friend ran out of Alka-seltzer, and is rather bored now. I think it's time to leave before she decides to try something else.

12:00 p.m. - We are in the car and heading away from Disney. The lady friend, aside for laughing like a fiend, refuses to speak to me.

9:00 p.m. - We check into a motel in Monteagle, Tennessee. It's raining, and I'm exhausted. The lady friend wants to go get something to eat. KFC is what she is craving. After all of the senseless bird slaughter, she wants to now go for chickens! I may have to insist that she seeks professional help!

Day Thirteen

After a long drive, I left the lady friend at her house and returned to mine. Buzzardbait never looked better to me! Once home, I found nearly 2 weeks worth of junk mail, and a bill from ACME for $700 for Super-exploding Alka-Seltzer in the mailbox. I may have to take out a second mortgage!

Day Fourteen

Super Bowl Sunday. I'm exhausted, broke, and in pain. Otherwise, I had a pretty damned good vacation. But next vacation, I may have to do it alone!

The Curious Urinal - 1/14/2012

Zany Named Man Arrested Again!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme


A Madison, Wisconsin man, with a very unusual name, was jailed after police said he violated the conditions of his is bail from a previous run-in with the law.

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, 30, was charged with carrying a concealed weapon (a knife), possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana, and a probation violation after his arrest last Thursday. Last April,  police found a loaded handgun in his backpack.

Well, I know what you're thinking... What happened to this gentleman after the arrest?

Well, now it's time for the rest of the story...

During his time in jail, police questioned Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. After hours of questioning, he still wouldn't give up who put the Ram in Rama Dama Ding Dong.

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop was released on bail as posted by his wife Boom Shaka Boom Shaka Bow Wow.  
 
It seems that a family friend, Doo Wah Ditty Ditty Dum Ditty Doo, turned Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop in when he heard there was a reward for his capture on Shooby Doo Wop, the Top-40 AM station in Hanna Hanna Bo Hanna Banana Banna Bo Banna Fe Fi Fo Fanna Hanna, Wisconsin.

And now you know the rest of the story!

The Curious Urinal - Christmas Edition 12/23/2011

To everyone: I wish you a very Merry Christmas, a very Happy Hanukkah, and remember... There's just 363 more shopping days until the end of the world (according to the Mayan Calender). Just a reminder that we all need to run up our charge cards, forget the bills --- Kinda like Washington DC does --- and enjoy! Just sayin'!


And now, for something completely different...

The Naughty Night Before Christmas

(By Anonymous)

'Twas the night before Xmas and all through the house
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse
Grandma and Grandpa were out like a light
Two winos in the alley were having a fight
Ma, home from the cat house, and me out of jail
Had just crawled into bed for a nice piece of tail
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter


Away to the window I flew like a flash
Slipped on a rubber and fell on my ass
The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow
Gave a whorehouse-like luster to the objects below


When what to my blood shot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer
With a little old driver a scratchin' his balls
I knew in a moment, it must be Santa Clause


Slower than snails his reindeer they came
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name
"Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the walls
Hurry up, dammit, or I'll cut out your balls."


Then up to the roof he stumbled and fell
And came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
He staggered and stomped and went to the door
And tracked reindeer shit all over the floor.

He tossed out some goodies under the tree
He lit up a smoke and looked 'round at me
He shook his head and coughed in a fit
Saying, "I'm getting too old for this shit!"

Then up the chimney he went in a flash
Back up on the roof, he fell on his ass
Back in his sled, he called to the reindeer
"Come on, dammit, let's get the hell outta here!" 
And I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight:
"Merry Christmas to all, damn, what a night!"


This will be the last Curious Urinal edition for 2011.
We'll be going on hiatus until January, 2012.

Merry Christmas, and

Happy New Year

from

The Curious Urinal!

The Curious Urinal - Friday 12/16/11

Cucumbers Too Sexy for Women?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Leave it to those crazy Muslim clerics to come up with yet another stupid idea!

An Islamic cleric living in Europe has reportedly warned Muslim women not to get too close to bananas, cucumbers or other produce -- to avoid having “sexual thoughts.”

The unnamed cleric, whose directive was featured in an article in a religious publication, said that if women wanted to eat these foods, a third party  (preferably a male, such as their father or husband) should cut the items into small pieces before serving.

Carrots and zucchini also were added to the alleged cleric's list of forbidden foods for women.

With this in mind, the obvious question is this: If Muslim women cannot shop for vegetables because it may spark sexual desire, then what if men get turned on cantaloupes or other melons? Should the women choose those and cut them up in little pieces before serving?

This is exactly why the Muslim world still parties like is 799 B.C.

In Other News:

With Christmas quickly approaching, we at The Curious Urinal have been asked by the Mayor and the City Council to make the following statement on their behalf.

Dear citizens, and others in Ammo County,

 We are asking that whoever is stealing the Christmas trees and decorations placed in front of the courthouse to please stop. We are tired of running to WallyWorld every other day to replace the items you idiots are stealing!

Also, to the non-believers currently living in Ammo County, just because you don't believe in Christ or God, and wish to force your beliefs down the throats of everyone else, doesn't mean that everyone else wishes to hear about it! Keep your opinions to yourself and we'll all get along just fine!

We here in Ammo County are carrying on a tradition--- decorating for the Christmas season--- that was started long before you were ever thought of, and will be continued long after your sorry carcasses have deteriorated to worm food. If you don't like how we do things in Ammo County, you do have the option to move your worthless arses to Lousyville!

There will be no Atheists banners placed on county property, saying that religion is a myth, and Christ wasn't our Savior. And it will not be mixed into the traditional holiday fare just because you want to ruin Christmas for everyone.

Just because you don't believe in Heaven, Hell, God, or any other deity, doesn't mean that the vast majority of Ammo County residents agrees with you. In fact, considering the complaints we are receiving from other residents, most of the City Council have decided to take a vote to condemn your homes, and turn the properties into parking lots!  You may petition the City Council all you wish, but you will not ruin Christmas for everyone else! We hope Santa Clause puts lumps of dog doo in your non-traditional holiday stockings, and sets it ablaze!

If you don't believe, fine! The rest of us do, and we outnumber you 1000-1! So, if you wish to continue bugging the City Council about placing your banners on county property, then we will be forced to come to your house and plaster religious materials all over your property. See if you like it then!

Furthermore, if we catch the idiot that spray painted the side of the police department's office, you will be in plenty of trouble! Graffiti is a crime in Ammo County! If you want to display your artwork, buy a canvass and place it on there. You will truly suffer for your art when you are spending the next 10 years in prison for defacing public property.

Also, it has come to our attention that the County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closeoff, is on vacation over the holiday season. So, would the woman calling his office, saying that she is having his love child, kindly refrain from calling until after the first of the year when Mr. Closeoff will be back in his office, and can answer his own phone!

And finally, seeing how the Occupy Buzzardbait protesters (all four of them) are using the restroom at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, Big Dick is asking that the protesters please flush the toilets after usage! The smell of piles of unflushed fecal matter is overpowering the staff and patrons of the restaurant. Big Dick is allowing you to use those facilities to keep you from standing in front of his restaurant. If you keep using the restrooms and not flushing, then Big Dick is going to stick you with the clean-up bill, and fumigation charges.

Sincerely, the Mayor of Buzzardbait, the County Judge of Ammo County, and the City Council.

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