The Curious Urinal - 2/5/2012

It's Super Bowl Sunday! But we're not going to talk about football. Instead, we'll talk about the boss and his lady friend, who took a long two week trip. Here is his travelogue.

The Vacation Travelogue.

Part One -
The Here Come The Mummies Cruise

Day One 

1:00 p.m. - I was all set to depart from Buzzardbait at 10 a.m.  By noon, I was still awaiting the lady friend to get her hair done, her nails dried, and her packing complete.

3 p.m. - We are on the road; stopping every 50 miles at gas stations and rest areas along the highway. Why is it that people have to pee so much on the road?

5:30 p.m., Had to stop for gas. Lady friend decided to shop for trinkets. $137.78 in shot glasses, post cards, and the occasional magnetic name tag that did not match any names of the people she knew. My question is: Who is Raul, and why does he warrant 15 magnetic name tags?

6:00 p.m. - After 6 hours on the road, the lady friend decided that she was hungry. We stopped for burgers at a place called the Greasy Spoon in south Tennessee. $16.99 got us 2 burgers, two small fries, and a watered-down cola each. The name of the joint sure reflected the utensils on the table. Yuck!

10:20 p.m. - The weather in Tennessee was cool, overcast, and otherwise fine for driving, but the weather in Georgia is rainy, foggy, and...  Was that banjo music I just heard? Get me out of northern Georgia!

12:03 a.m. - The lady friend has decided on a motel... Finally. We have stopped at fifteen different motels from Atlanta to Macon, burned a half-tank of gas, and she finally decided she liked the rooms at the Hilton. So much for the travel budget!

Day Two 

8:00 a.m. - The wake-up call from the front desk consisted of the following:" Get your lazy ass up and get out of here before check-out time!" All with a nice Georgia drawl. Sweet!

9:57 a.m. - The lady friend finally left the room. We barely made it to check-out before having to pay for an additional day.

10:30 a.m. - A quick breakfast of grits, hash browns and fried eggs. Grits suck! We're now on the road to Florida.

1:30 p.m. - We finally have entered Florida. We went from cool to hot weather about 10 minutes after crossing the state line.

2:00 p.m. - Pulled over by Florida State Police for hanging my head out of the window. $200 fine for that?

3:30 p.m. - Made it to Ocala. Found some friends that I haven't seen for a while. Went to eat at some Cuban Restaurant. I ate too much. Paying for it now!

12:00 a.m. - Sitting in the bathroom, feeling the after-effects of Cuban Cuisine. Good God, I think I'm gonna die!

8:30 a.m. - Finally out of the bathroom. I have nothing left in my system but fear that I'll make the same mistake again! No more Cuban Cuisine ever again!

12:00 p.m. - Lunch at Mickey Dee's. Still feeling the effects of the Cuban Cuisine the night before. There's nothing like greasy burgers to show your tummy how much you love it after a night of Cuban cuisine! Gag me!

1:30 p.m. - Back at the friends house. Both of them are sick, hogging the bathroom. The smell of the after-effects of Cuban Cuisine permeates the neighborhood.

5:p.m. - Finally out of the bathroom, the friends and I, along with the lady friend, go to dinner. Bronx-style Pizza is wonderful, even with the still queasy stomach. Greasy pepperoni and extra cheese does a body good!

10:00 p.m. - Said goodnight to the friends, and came back to the hotel. I ate Sugar Babies by the handful to kill the greasy aftertaste of the pizza. Also, had to call the front desk to ask for extra toilet paper, and some aloe lotion. Motel toilet paper is like 40 grit sandpaper on your tushy!

Day Three 

5:30 a.m. - Up at the crack of predawn, packed and ready to leave for the cruise ship. The desk clerk, dressed in pajamas, with bleary eyes, gave us dirty looks for waking her up so damned early. She tells us to have a nice day, pushes us out of the door, and shuts of the lights behind us.

9:20 a.m. Lady friend spotted sick pelicans on the side of the road and made me stop. She wished to render first aid to them. She brought out a box of Alka-Seltzer and fed several of the ill pelicans. Plop plop, fizz KABOOM! The pelicans exploded. Pelican parts permeated the perimeter. A Florida State Police car pulled up, and the nice patrolman wrote us a ticket for feeding the animals and pelican assassination. $400 in fines and clean-up costs, payable to the Florida State Police to keep it off our records.

12:00 p.m. Finally made it to the port. Hauling 300 pounds of luggage to the ship. The baggage handlers give me a dirty look for the weight of the bags. I slipped the porter a $20 and said, "It's all hers!"

4:00 p.m. - Now on the ship, we're doing the Muster Station Drill. We're lined up like a bunch of prison inmates about to get a rectal exam from someone with hands the size of ham hocks. It's pretty boring, except for the lady friend getting in trouble for incessant talking, and not following instructions. I didn't know they still used dunce caps, especially on cruise ships. I'm surprised they didn't make her walk the plank.

4:30 p.m. - Departing port, standing on the balcony of the suite and realizing I can't swim if this ship goes down.

5:30 p.m. - Throwing up over the side of the boat. Damned Cuban Cuisine and Bronx Pizza. There's a greasy, God-awful taste in my mouth.

6:00 p.m. -  Cocktails with the band Here Come The Mummies, who didn't show up. Met several nice people, all of whom ignored me and drooled over the lady friend. Her dress is cut so low it would make a baby cry!

8:30 p.m. -  After the cocktail party, we're sitting in the fancy dining hall restaurant inside the ship. Wonderful, they are having Cuban Cuisine Night.

10:00 p.m. -  Sitting in the medical room on deck 1, having Pepto Bismol feed to me thru an IV.

12:00 a.m. - Finally back in the room, going to bed. Still belching Cuban Cuisine.

Day Four

6:00 a.m. - Up way too early, but feeling better. Walked out on the balcony and a pelican shat on my head. Time for a shower.

9:00 a.m. - Breakfast, and wandering around the ship. Took a try on the rock wall. The safety cable broke, and I fell twenty feet. Back to the medical center.

5:00 p.m. - One sprained knee and a bruised hip later, I am now walking with crutches. The lady friend and I head to the first Here Come The Mummies concert. It was a great show, but fell down the stairs when the crutches snagged a woman's foot. Back to the infirmary.

12:00 a.m. - Back to the room, seven stitches in my head and an icepack later, I'm ready for bed.

Day Five 

9:00 a.m. - I fell as I got out of the bed (tripped over the crutches). A gurney wheels me to the medical center. Re-twisted my knee, bruised my leg, and had stitches in my head where it came into contact with the wall when I fell out of bed. Okay, my head went thru the wall. Not a great way to start the day!

3:00 p.m. - Lady friend is shopping, so I'm back in the room by myself. My leg is propped up on pillows and I'm finally going to get to watch TV.

3:10 p.m. - Lady friend returns to the room with $800 worth of souvenirs, all charged to the room, of course.

5:30 p.m. - Heading to the 2nd Mummies concert. I find a safe spot to sit, and realize that my knee will not bend, so I have to sit sideways on the edge of the seat and watch the show with my head craned to the left. After the show, I can't straighten out the neck,. Heading back to the medical center.

8:30 p.m. - The formal dinner with the ships captain. I'm in my best suit, with crutches, a neck brace, and looking like I was hit by a truck. The captain looks at me and shakes his head, saying, "You look like you were hit by a truck!"
After that, he walked away and I had to try to eat with my neck craned to the left, with my right leg jutting out in the aisle. Several tripped waiters later, I'm escorted out of the restaurant and back to my room with a dish of cold rice and something that resembles snails.

Day Six

9:00 a.m. - The ship arrives at the port in Cozumel, Mexico. We debark the ship, and I am immediately questioned by the Mexican Police about trying to sneak weapons into the country. The lady friend goes shopping while I'm detained and questioned.

3:00 p.m. - I am cleared and allowed to leave the police station. I hobble to Senor Frog's and have a Dos Equis. The bartender feels sorry for me and gives me my beer for full price. Very nice of her, I must say. I spot the lady friend carrying several large bags toward the ship. I hobble back to the ship and find her in the room with $600 worth of tee shirts and assorted jewelry, and at least two sets of maracas. And, of course, it was all charged to the room.

8:30 p.m. - Back to sea, the weather is feeling like rain, so the lady friend and I go to eat at the Windjammer Restaurant. Three plates of real food, instead of the crap served at the fancy restaurant. I'm full and ready for the midnight concert.

12:00 a.m. - Here Come The Mummies are rockin'! I get up to dance (we're seated in the balcony, front row) I lose my balance and fall over the balcony, landing on some really nice people who helped to load me on the gurney. Back to the medical center.

Day Seven

7:00 a.m. - I'm released from the medical center, with a fractured leg, a sprained back, a concussion, and feeling lucky. I use the wheelchair to go to the casino. After stuffing a hundred dollar bill into the machine, I played for fifteen minutes and cashed out a quarter. $.25 cents! Wow, I felt lucky too. I hand the machine over to some elderly woman who put a dollar in and won $700. Bitch!

5:30 p.m. The cocktail party with Here Come The Mummies. The guys all signed my cast, bought me some wine, and made my cruise a good one, regardless of everything else. Thank You Mummies!

10:00 p.m. All packed and ready to depart the shop the following morning. The lady friend complained that she didn't have a good time because I was too busy to spend any time with her. She gets upset and goes to the casino. She spends $2000, all charged to the room, of course.

Day Eight

8:00 a.m. - Standing in line for Customs. I cannot carry my own bags, as I have crutches and a wheelchair, all charged to my room. Once thru customs, I have to meet with the representatives from the cruise line. I owe them $13,472.19 for charges made to the room, plus the medical equipment and care rendered while on board.

12:30 p.m. - After talking to the bank back home, I have my savings account nearly wiped out paying for the charges and other items to the cruise line. Lady friend is upset with me because all I can think about is money!

3:00 p.m. - Heading up to Orlando, a gravel truck throws gravel into my windshield. I cannot see from the cracked glass. A friendly Florida Highway Patrolman comes by and writes me a ticket for driving with a busted windshield.

8:00 p.m. - $800 worth of window replacement at some place called Honest Bubba's House of Glass.  I really don't think he was that damned honest!


Part Two -
The Disney Parks Vacation 
Day Nine

9:00 a.m. - I finally can walk again. The leg hurts, but the wheelchair makes my ass sore. Walking is better anyway. I realize that I won't be able to ride anything with a cast on, so We drive to the nearest drugstore to buy pain meds and Ace Bandages to wrap my busted-ass leg up. While I am removing the cast to wrap my leg with the bandages, the lady friend buys up several boxes of Alka-Seltzer. She has a far-away look in her eyes as she leaves the store. After that, the lady friend and I head to Disney World.

3:00 p.m. - We're checked into our room and have our gate passes in hand, so we head to EPCOT! Once there, the lady friend informs me that she isn't riding any rides with me, so I decide to walk around and be bored with her.

4:30 p.m. - Lady friend feeds the pelicans that were all around the park some Alka-Seltzer. Plop plop, fizz BOOM! Pelican parts fly everywhere. I distance myself from the lady friend and pretend not to know her. She is ejected from the park. I got to ride everything I wanted after that!

9:00 p.m. - Lady friend is upset with me because I didn't defend her honor. I explained that Disney didn't like their birds harmed. She couldn't understand why, seeing how it was just a few dozen birds that were whacked, and not some bratty-assed kids.

Day Ten

9:00 a.m. - The Magic Kingdom awaits. Lady friend changes her appearance to get into the park. Apparently they did not take her name down, so she gets in.

10:00 a.m. - The lady friend informs me that she is not riding anything with me that even appears to be dangerous. I assured her that Space Mountain was a kiddie ride and that she would be just fine.

10:15 a.m. - I'm now sporting a black eye and a big bruise across my right cheek. Lady friend is puking her guts up now, and apparently hates me. I leave her in the bathroom while I ride Space Mountain again.

3:00 p.m. The lady friend decides to be sneaky and breaks up several Alka-Seltzers and tosses them on the ground and walks casually away as the pelicans and gulls begin eating it. Plop plop, fizz KERPOW! Pelican parts and Gull guts spatter all over a group of Argentinian cheerleaders. A group vomit ensues. I see the lady friend hiding behind Mickey Mouse, laughing hysterically.

3:15 p.m. - The Lady friend is escorted out of the Magic Kingdom. I ride all of the rides I want thereafter.

10:00 p.m. - After dinner (a very quiet dinner, as the lady friend refuses to speak to me now), I get showered and into bed. The lady friend decides to go to the pool and sit. Five minutes later, she's pounding on the door, demanding to get in. I let her in and she tells me that she bought hair dye and dark glasses. She went into the bathroom blonde, and came out a brunette.

Day Eleven

10:00 a.m. - We head to Hollywood Studios. I want to ride the Aerosmith Rockin' Roller Coaster, but the lady friend refuses to even try it. I ride it alone... 6 times. Meanwhile, the lady friend is scoping out the native avian collection. She spots a group of gulls and a party of pelicans and tosses Alka-Seltzer their way, but doing so from behind a very large woman who hides her. The birds explode in a display seen only while watching fireworks. Bird parts fly onto several passersby, and the large woman is escorted away for Avian Assassination. One officer is overheard saying that there seems to be a rash of that in the park lately. Star Tours Rocked! I rode it seven times!

7:00 p.m. - After dinner, we return to the room. The lady friend is now plotting her next bird explosion. She is starting to remind me of Wile E. Coyote in the Roadrunner cartoons. She has an easel up, with detailed plans drawn on a large pad of paper. Where she obtained any of that is beyond me. All she needs is some Acme delivery and... Wait, there's a knock at the door.

7:05 p.m. An Acme representative delivered a case of super-exploding Alka-Seltzer. Oh geez! She is laughing maniacally.

Day Twelve

9:00 a.m. We checked out of the motel and took a bus to the last park.

10:00 a.m. - We are entering the Disney Animal Safari. There are birds everywhere. The lady friend had an evil look in her eyes. Something bad is gonna happen, I just know it!

10:30 a.m. - There are pieces of Alka-Seltzer being tossed into the protected areas where the birds are kept. Parrots, pelicans, gulls, and any other bird that happened to be nearby exploded by the hundreds. The entire park is shut down to clean up the bird parts. The lady friend pointed to some elderly man in a stroller and said, I saw him do it. The old man is forcibly taken into custody. The lady friend ran out of Alka-seltzer, and is rather bored now. I think it's time to leave before she decides to try something else.

12:00 p.m. - We are in the car and heading away from Disney. The lady friend, aside for laughing like a fiend, refuses to speak to me.

9:00 p.m. - We check into a motel in Monteagle, Tennessee. It's raining, and I'm exhausted. The lady friend wants to go get something to eat. KFC is what she is craving. After all of the senseless bird slaughter, she wants to now go for chickens! I may have to insist that she seeks professional help!

Day Thirteen

After a long drive, I left the lady friend at her house and returned to mine. Buzzardbait never looked better to me! Once home, I found nearly 2 weeks worth of junk mail, and a bill from ACME for $700 for Super-exploding Alka-Seltzer in the mailbox. I may have to take out a second mortgage!

Day Fourteen

Super Bowl Sunday. I'm exhausted, broke, and in pain. Otherwise, I had a pretty damned good vacation. But next vacation, I may have to do it alone!