The Curious Urinal

The Curious Urinal - Friday 12/16/11

Cucumbers Too Sexy for Women?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Leave it to those crazy Muslim clerics to come up with yet another stupid idea!

An Islamic cleric living in Europe has reportedly warned Muslim women not to get too close to bananas, cucumbers or other produce -- to avoid having “sexual thoughts.”

The unnamed cleric, whose directive was featured in an article in a religious publication, said that if women wanted to eat these foods, a third party (preferably a male, such as their father or husband) should cut the items into small pieces before serving.

Carrots and zucchini also were added to the alleged cleric's list of forbidden foods for women.

With this in mind, the obvious question is this: If Muslim women cannot shop for vegetables because it may spark sexual desire, then what if men get turned on cantaloupes or other melons? Should the women choose those and cut them up in little pieces before serving?

This is exactly why the Muslim world still parties like is 799 B.C.

In Other News:

With Christmas quickly approaching, we at The Curious Urinal have been asked by the Mayor and the City Council to make the following statement on their behalf.

Dear citizens, and others in Ammo County,

We are asking that whoever is stealing the Christmas trees and decorations placed in front of the courthouse to please stop. We are tired of running to WallyWorld every other day to replace the items you idiots are stealing!

Also, to the non-believers currently living in Ammo County, just because you don't believe in Christ or God, and wish to force your beliefs down the throats of everyone else, doesn't mean that everyone else wishes to hear about it! Keep your opinions to yourself and we'll all get along just fine!

We here in Ammo County are carrying on a tradition--- decorating for the Christmas season--- that was started long before you were ever thought of, and will be continued long after your sorry carcasses have deteriorated to worm food. If you don't like how we do things in Ammo County, you do have the option to move your worthless arses to Lousyville!

There will be no Atheists banners placed on county property, saying that religion is a myth, and Christ wasn't our Savior. And it will not be mixed into the traditional holiday fare just because you want to ruin Christmas for everyone.

Just because you don't believe in Heaven, Hell, God, or any other deity, doesn't mean that the vast majority of Ammo County residents agrees with you. In fact, considering the complaints we are receiving from other residents, most of the City Council have decided to take a vote to condemn your homes, and turn the properties into parking lots! You may petition the City Council all you wish, but you will not ruin Christmas for everyone else! We hope Santa Clause puts lumps of dog doo in your non-traditional holiday stockings, and sets it ablaze!

If you don't believe, fine! The rest of us do, and we outnumber you 1000-1! So, if you wish to continue bugging the City Council about placing your banners on county property, then we will be forced to come to your house and plaster religious materials all over your property. See if you like it then!

Furthermore, if we catch the idiot that spray painted the side of the police department's office, you will be in plenty of trouble! Graffiti is a crime in Ammo County! If you want to display your artwork, buy a canvass and place it on there. You will truly suffer for your art when you are spending the next 10 years in prison for defacing public property.

Also, it has come to our attention that the County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closeoff, is on vacation over the holiday season. So, would the woman calling his office, saying that she is having his love child, kindly refrain from calling until after the first of the year when Mr. Closeoff will be back in his office, and can answer his own phone!

And finally, seeing how the Occupy Buzzardbait protesters (all four of them) are using the restroom at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, Big Dick is asking that the protesters please flush the toilets after usage! The smell of piles of unflushed fecal matter is overpowering the staff and patrons of the restaurant. Big Dick is allowing you to use those facilities to keep you from standing in front of his restaurant. If you keep using the restrooms and not flushing, then Big Dick is going to stick you with the clean-up bill, and fumigation charges.

Sincerely, the Mayor of Buzzardbait, the County Judge of Ammo County, and the City Council.

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