The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/8/2012

Idaho Bans Vodka Over Name
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

A few weeks ago, we reported on Alabama banning beer due to controversial naming of a certain brand. Now, it's Idaho's turn to ban a brand of Vodka. The vodka in question, Five Wives Vodka, apparently isn't welcomed in the state of Idaho. With a 25% Mormon population, stores operated by the state of Idaho will not be selling that particular brand, as it was deemed offensive, regulators said.

The mid-priced vodka is made by Ogden's Own Distillery in Utah, where the Mormon church is based. Its label carries the name and an image of five women, an  reference to polygamy, a practice abandoned by the church more than a century ago.

The Idaho State Liquor Division administrator, who wishes to remain anonymous, but is named Earl Troutface, said the brand is offensive to Mormons who make up over a quarter of Idaho's population.

But wait... Now it's getting interesting!

Idaho has reversed its decision to ban the 5 Wives Vodka, due in part to a lawsuit that was directed toward the states Alcohol Board for discrimination and First Amendment Rights violation. So now, Idaho will sell Five Wives Vodka.

But Idaho is banning the same beer that Alabama banned weeks ago, citing that the offensive names did not reflect their desire to keep the drunks in the state free from offensive names.

Alabama and Idaho have now banned Fat Bastard Beer, brewed in Michigan, from their store shelves, due to its name.

And, here at home, the powers that be in Ammo County have jumped on the bandwagon of banning certain beers and liquors due to their names.

The following beers can no longer be purchased in Ammo County:  Fat Whanker Lager, Smelly Bear Ass Beer, Old Piss Beer, Jock Strap Sqeezin's Beer, Floppy Titty Stout Ale, Bullsh*t Beer, Co**sucker Cream Ale, You Effing Bitch Beer, Gonad Sweat Stout, and our personal favorite, Eat Sh*t and Die Lite Beer.

These can no longer be sold in Buzzardbait, Hooter Heights, or any other county-approved retail outlet, bar, or restaurant. Also added to the list are imported favorites, Smelly Pus*y Beer, Fu*kin' Asshole Dark Ale, and my personal favorite, Bitch, Get Me a Beer Cream Ale."

However, Schitt's Beer is still available everywhere alcohol is sold, due to an agreement with Schitt's Brewery, made back in the early, late  mid-century, commonly know to the locals as the 20th Century.

Proponents of these popular beers are protesting the decision made by Ammo County leaders as both unwarranted, and uninformed.

A law suit, filed through the law firm of Findem, Suem, and Skrewem, based in Buzzardbait, hopes to resolve this issue as soon as possible.

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The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/1/2012

Is The Zombie Apocalypse Upon Us?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Miami, Florida, the fun and sun capital of the world... And now apparently the home of honest to goodness zombies?

A naked man savagely bit the face and eyes of another man during an attack in Miami last weekend has been identified. Police sources told The Curious Urinal that the accused was 31-year-old Rudy Eugene.

According to his former wife, Eugene had a history of violence. The ex-wife, who was not named, said the pair had a short-lived marriage that lasted a year and a half.

"I wouldn't say he had [a] mental problem but he always felt like people was against him ... No one was for him, everyone was against him." She then added, "I knew there was trouble in the marriage when one morning I woke up and found him gnawing on my arm." Then she said, "A few days later, I woke up to discover that part of my leg had been eaten. But the last straw was when I woke up and he was nibbling on my earlobe. And my ear was in his hands. I said 'Gemme my ear back!' but he just growled and went on chewing. I hobbled out of bed and left his ass right then and there!" She left the marriage because Eugene had been violent, and apparently hungry, and she had not been in contact with him for the past three years. They filed for divorce in 2007.

Eugene was shot dead Saturday afternoon by police who arrived at the scene on the off-ramp of the MacArthur Causeway where he was seen taking bites out of another man's face.

As an officer drew his gun and called for an end to the attack, he "just stood ... with pieces of flesh in his mouth and he growled," an eyewitness  told The Curious Urinal.

According to the eyewitness, a cop fired one shot at Eugene, but he continued chewing, and going "mmmmmmm." The officer fired again and hit Eugene several more times before he was killed.

It remains unclear why the attacker pounced on his victim, who police theorized might have been homeless and laying down when the assault began.

Police told The Curious Urinal that they believe Eugene had likely overdosed on a new potent form of LSD.

"What's happening is whenever we see that a person has taken all of his clothes off and has become violent, it's indicative of this excited delirium that's caused by an overdose of drugs," said a police officer, who wished to remain anonymous for fear that the zombies would attack him next. "What's happening is inside their body their organs are burning up alive." The police officer added, "They begin craving human flesh, and think they're zombies. We just can't have that kind of thing here in Miami, especially during tourists season!"

The victim remains in critical condition at Jackson Memorial Hospital. Seventy-five to 80 percent of his face was reportedly missing.

We called the Buzzardbait Office for Zombie Apocalyptic Affairs to ask if they could comment on the case. They had no official comment, but did say, "We're keeping our guns loaded, just in case!"

In Other News
Teen solves 300-year-old mathematical riddle

By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

A 16-year-old German teen has become the first person to solve a mathematical problem posed by Sir Isaac Newton more than 300 years ago.

Shouryya Ray worked out how to calculate exactly the path of a projectile under gravity and subject to air resistance, The (London) Sunday Times reported.

The Indian-born teen said he solved the problem that had stumped mathematicians for centuries while working on a school project.
Ray won a research award for his efforts and has been labeled a genius by the German media.

Meanwhile, here in Buzzardbait, a 16 year old teen solved a complicated riddle that no one else had before. Butch 'Limpie' Dykerson discovered how many licks it took to get the the center of a Tootie Pop. After a week of licking the candy, he reached the center. In all, it took 16,203 licks to get to the center, a feat never before mastered. His prize will be a free Slurper from Haji's Quicky Mart and a dozen suckers from Cox's Candy Store.

When asked what he was most excited about getting, Butch replied, "I like Slurpers, but Cox Suckers are my favorite!"

In other news around the area

Local Blues Singer, Milo Days, will be appearing at the Strikes and Suds Bowling Lanes this weekend. His show, called The Milo Days Blues Revue, will be in the bowling alley's lounge. He will perform two shows per night. Tickets go on sale tomorrow. They will cost $10 each in advance, or $7.50 at the door on the days of the show.

Also, Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats will be performing at the Strikes and Suds the following weekend. Tickets will be given away by WBZZ Radio, 895 on you’re A.M. dial.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:














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Try Duckwizz Bottled Water.
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Bottled by Schitts Brewing Company, Buzzardbait, KY

WARNING:

Bottled from real lake water where duck frequent and often urinate.

The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/25/2012

SPECIAL MEMORIAL DAY EDITION

Memorial Day Weekend is Here -
Picnics and Parades on To Do Lists
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Buzzardbait is preparing for its big Memorial Day Weekend with a huge two block yard sale, a parade, and fireworks in the park.

First up - Poon Point residents are gearing up for their second annual Block Yard Sale, only this year there will be two blocks of crap for sale by residents desperate to get rid of their junk for rent money, gas money, and beer money for the weekend.

Secondly - Buzzardbaits' annual Memorial Day Parade, held on the Saturday before Memorial Day, always draws huge crowds. Last year set an attendance record, as 47 people lined Main Street to see the float, the Buzzardbait High Marching Band (all six of them), several horses and riders from the Hooter Heights Dude Ranch, and Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, who was the Master of Ceremonies. This year, there is supposed to be a surprise float entry, and maybe someone to clean-up the horse crap too!

Then, Saturday night, the big Buzzardbait fireworks display takes place at 9:30. This year, as opposed to last year, there will be almost $49 worth of fireworks used. Last year's paltry $15 display consisted of as handful of sparklers and one M-80. Promoters say this year will be the best fireworks display yet!

And finally, a big Thank You goes out to our men and women in uniform, who keep us free and fight for others to be free all around the world. Some gave all, all gave some, and we all should be grateful for their service to this nation!


President Narrowly Avoids Defeat in Primaries
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

It would seem that President Obama has some stiff competition in now Three Primaries as of late. First, two weeks ago, a convicted felon, Keith Judd, who is serving time in a Texas Federal Prison, took a large percentage of votes in West Virginia, earning 41 percent of the vote. Now, Arkansas and Kentucky have also been unkind to the president.

"Uncommitted" took a major share of the votes this past Tuesday in the  Kentucky Primary, and in the Arkansas primary, a lawyer from Tennessee took a large chunk of the votes. Is this a sign that the president is struggling in Southern states?

In the Arkansas primary, attorney John Wolfe Jr., took 42 percent of the vote, compared to 58 percent for Obama. Meanwhile, in Kentucky, 42 percent of registered Democrats voted "uncommitted," compared to 58 percent for the president, according to official results.

Is this a sign of weakness in the Democratic Party? Or perhaps voters are tired of what Washington DC has to offer? Either way, come November, the president may have to be calling 3 Dudes and a Pick-up Truck to begin the daunting task of moving his belongings out of the White House.

Want Ads

The following are actual want ads from The Curious Urinal.

Wanted: Ten well dressed and hard-working individuals for door to door sales. The last 10 people were not well dressed, nor hard-working. In fact, they really sucked at the job, causing us to lose business, making the jobs for the 10 people we do hire even harder. Long days of walking, talking, and carrying heavy boxes of goods will be in store for you. We do not want you to be hanging out with your friends, texting, drinking beer, or sleeping while you are working for us, like the last bunch of idiots did. Good pay for those who qualify. If you have applied here before and were not called, please do not apply again, as we didn't hire you for a reason. This a commission only sales job. You will not be paid for your job unless you sell something. So don't ask for gas money, bus fare, or an advance so you can go to the mall and buy some decent clothes.

Apply in person at: 
Richard Heads House of Unwanted Magazines            
5th and Main, Buzzardbait, KY
Between the hours of 10 and 10:15  a.m. on Mondays only.

We will not accept applications before or after this time, so don't ask. We get pretty sick and tired of telling people that we only take applications on Mondays between 10 and 10:15 a.m. If you can't read the sign that's clearly posted, then odds are you cannot read, or you're just too stupid to understand plain English! Geez, how hard is it for you people to understand the rules? Are you that freakin' stupid? If so, we don't want or need you to apply.
__________________________

Help, we're swamped!
Three Dudes and a Pick-up Truck is currently looking for at least 3 more people and at least one with another pick-up truck (or moving van) who have strong backs and knows when to keep their mouths shut. We just want you to move furniture, not display your speaking abilities. We pay weekly, unless we have a really bad month, then it could be monthly.
Apply at:
3 Dudes and a Pick-up Truck
on the corner of 5th and Main.
Buzzardbait, KY.

___________________________

Margie's House of Ill Repute is looking for 5 women to run their newest Cat House in Hooter Heights. No experience needed, will train. Located near Big Al's Titty Emporium, behind the Hooter Heights Truck Stop. Get paid to be on your back all day! Apply in person, no phone calls please.

Margie's House of Ill Repute
Where the customer comes first!

__________________________

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/18/2012

Fireworks Light up Buzzardbait
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Last night was just an ordinary night for Buzzardbait. Softball games in the park; walking the dog down the street; an explosion that created mayhem.

Buzzardbait Big Bang Fireworks and Bait Shop had just opened their tent to the public for the Memorial Day/Fourth of July fireworks buyers when the unthinkable happened. Sitting out in the furthest parking area near Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, Buzzardbait Big Band Fireworks and Bait Shop opened to much hoopla. Music filled the air as several shoppers were pulling up to see what the fireworks store had for sale.

But in an instant, chaos rained down from the sky.

Someone tossed a careless cigarette from their car window as they passed the tent. The wind caught it just right and carried it into the tent, where it came to rest on a table full of M-80's and Roman candles.

The resulting explosion rocked the area. neighbors a mile away reported feeling, then hearing the explosion. Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, reported that he was sitting at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand when the explosion took place. "Suddenly, the entire area lit up, and the noise was deafening. Stuff began falling from the sky. It was a mess!"

Owner Sid "Pyro" Mania reported that his entire inventory, estimated to be nearly $60,000 in fireworks, went up in smoke. Along with the fireworks being lost, over a thousand worms lost their lives in the blast. Mr. Mania has no plans to reopen his business.


Buzzardbait Library Offers Summer Reading Program
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Buzzardbait Library and Moose Lodge has listed several books for avid readers to enjoy this summer. The following is a partial list of those books:


Hare in my Mouth - By Adolph Oliver Busch : The story of a man, a woman, a rabbit, and a barn in the middle of a windstorm in 1890's Kansas.

Dutch Oven - By Ima Gaggen : The tale of two men discovering gas in 1850's Oklahoma.

On Golden River - By I.P. Freeley : Set in California during the Gold Rush years, our hero must cross a mighty river to reap his reward.

Antlers in the Treetops - By Whogoose D. Moose - A hunting trip turns into a nightmare for a group of friends in 1930's Alaska.

Fishing for Lung Oysters - By Hugo Hockaloogie - The tale of three fishermen in post Civil War Alabama.

Tales of The White Swallow - By Ima Cummins -  The tragic story of a little bird that fell from the sky, only to be crushed to death by an eighteen wheeler in post apocalyptic New Jersey.

Making Home Movies for Profit - By Peter Grippenhand - The autobiographical story of how a young director lost his mind, but finally managed to get a firm grasp on himself in Hollywood.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/11/2012

By popular demand, we here at The Curious Urinal are proud (well, proud may not be the correct word to use here in this instance--- More like almost embarrassed, but forced to do this because of contractual concerns) to bring you...

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Caution: The following products are from other parts of the world, and some of the names can be confused with Americam slang for bodily functions, slurs, ect. This is for humor only, and is not intended to rile you up, get your panties in a wad, and otherwise Pissing you off. If your skin is so thin that you can read a newspaper thru it in a dark room, then you may want to avoid this edition like the plague... Just saying. The Editor


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This Edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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Disclaimer:

The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after three or four bottles. Also, the aftertaste of Dingleberry Wine had been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass! Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following. Aspartame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenylketonurics, Small undigested pieces of meat, Wads of used toilet tissue, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and Flavoring.

The consumption of Dingleberry Wine can be hazardous to you health.

The following can and probably will occur. Blurred vision, Erratic behavior, Memory loss, Hallucinations, Projectile vomiting, Explosive diarrhea, Loss of motor functions, Convulsions, Complete and sudden death, Blood in the stool, on the couch and the recliner, along with a trail wherever you've walked, and Hairy Tongue Syndrome.

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Never drink or drive - unless you just really have to do it, in which case, call your local hospital to have an ER standing by on your behalf.
Remember drink responsibly and never, ever, no matter what anyone else tells you, stop drinking Dingleberry Wine!

The Curious Urinal -  Friday 5/4/2012

Bin Laden's Journal Revealed
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Just about a year ago to the day, Osama (Usama) Bin Laden was gunned down by Seal Team Six (YEAH!). Now, newly released documents reveal what was going on inside the mind of the terrorist mastermind.

These documents, obtained from Bin Laden's compound, reveal that the former Al Qaeda leader was unsure of the terror network's affiliate groups and his ability to control them.

But further reading details what else held the attention of America's Most Wanted in the days and weeks before his death. The 17 documents  (totaling about 175 pages in Arabic) range in dates from September 2006 to April 2011. The following are but a sample of his thoughts:

"I am deeply troubled by terrorist attacks carried out by regional jihadist groups that caused Muslim civilian casualties. No Muslim should fall victim except when it is absolutely necessary,"

"We shall avoid carrying out attacks in Islamic countries except for the countries that fell under invasion and direct occupation."

"I need to talk to Nike about my Air Usama idea!"

"Gilligan's Island cracks me up. Little buddy could be a terrorist bomber if he had the right training. And Ginger and Mary Ann would look good in Burqa's."

"My Rice Crispies are not as talkative as normal. I think they're plotting against me!"

"Death to America... Unless George Lucas will release a new Star Wars Trilogy."

"I hate Camel Chips. Even with salsa, they taste like shit!"

"My feet are killing me! I should invest in some hiking boots instead of these stupid sandals."

"Wheel of Fortune comes on at the same time as my favorite Soap Opera - One Life to Martyr. I suppose I need to buy a VCR."

"If I find out which wife dipped my beard in the Yak pudding while I slept, I'll cut her head off with a butter knife!"

"Gorgonzola cheese cannot disguise the taste of goat. I have to stop kissing the goat when I have sex with it!"

"I cannot stand American Idol. If Randy Jackson says "Dawg" one more time, I'll puke!"

"I really wish I had something else to eat besides these damned cans of three year old Spam."

"Hold on, I think I heard someone at the door..."

That was the last entry, aside for some brain matter and hunks of skull on the pages.


In Local News

Local Business Closes Soon After Opening
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

It was a business plan like no other. These two men had years of experience and the know-how to get the business up and running.

Marty Gross and Phillip Rancid had the perfect idea when they decided to go into business together. One had spent years as a master butcher and the other had years of experience in the produce business. They decided to open their business during a recession because people have to eat, and they would have the lowest prices in town to make sure that the people would want to shop with them. Both knew that nothing could go wrong.

Their gimmick was simple - one half of the store would house the largest selection of fresh vegetables anywhere, and the other half would be the biggest butcher shop in the country.

So, having put together their marketing plan, they secured a $1,000,000 loan to build a new store. They stocked it with their meats and vegetables, and then they opened their store, spending every last dime they had to make it the biggest thing ever to take place in Buzzardbait.

But there was just one small problem. Once the business opened, no one came to shop.

Rancid Meats and Gross Vegetables was a wonderful idea that failed to catch on in Buzzardbait, and no one knows why.



This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:


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The Curious Urinal - Friday 4/27/2010
Afternoon Edition
Local Nightspot Celebrates
Buzzardbait Days
By New Staff Reporter Harry Greasydik

Well, it's that time of year again. Wednesday night was a special night at  Big Al's Titty Emporium. All of the usual dignitatries from all over Ammo County were in attendance to celebrate the Anniversary of Buzzardbait's founding.

The crowd was enthusiastic as the celebration spilled outside Big Al's Lap Dance Shed at the Titty Emporium. Among the activities this year was Corn Hole, Bobbing for Condoms, and a Deep-fried Twinkie Eating Contest.











Most of Ammo County was in attendence for the celebration. Many of the Buzzardbait Chamber of Commerce refused to attend though, as they were protesting the celebration being held at Big Al's place yet again. Most of the Chamber of Commerce wanted to celebrate the party at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, but County Judge Clyde Forkem said that Big Al's Titty Emporium had always held the party, since they had the biggest beer cooler in all of Ammo County.

A few of the attendees were retrospective about the event. Take Oliver Closeoff. He said in his annual speech, "Two-hundred and some odd years ago, this town was nothing more than a shithole. Now, it's the epicenter of big business and modern living! We're livin' large now!"













Oliver Closeoff, The Ammo County Road Commisioner,
is seen enjoying himself during the festivities.










One of Big Al's dancers, Candy Glitterlick said, "This is about as much fun as this past New Year's Party. I must have given at least fifty lap dances that night. I'm over halfway there now! My ass is gonna be sore tomorrow!"








County Judge, Clyde Forkem, took a break
from the fun to take an important call.


The highlite of the evening was when Blues Legend, and spokesman for Dingleberry Wine, Milo Days, stepped up to the microphone and began belting out an unrelenting rendition of 'I got the Big-Breastedest Woman Blues!'










Blues Legend Milo Days
When it was all said and done, the celebration was enjoyed by the packed house at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Even Big Al himself had to say, "This was a lot more fun than last year when half the girls had a bad case of crabs. We took a hit in the lap dance derby that night, I can tell you. But this year looks to be a banner year!"

The Curious Urinal - Friday 4/20/2012

SPECIAL AFTERNOON EDITION

Buzzardbait Bans Beers From Store Shelves -Many Are Miffed
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Alabama has banned a certain beer from their store shelves because of a dirty word. Fat Bastard Beer, brewed in Michigan, has been banned in Alabama stores that are allowed to sell liquor or beer (and there are precious few that do).

Not to be outdone, Buzzardbait, and all of Ammo County, has decided that there are certain beers that cannot be sold in any grocery or liquor store, and also any bars or restaurants, due to their perceived bad names.

For example, Fat Whanker Lager cannot be sold anywhere in the county, nor can Smelly Bear Ass Beer. In fact, the following beers: Old Piss Beer, Jock Strap Sqeezin's Beer, Floppy Titty Stout Ale, Bullsh*t Beer, Co**sucker Beer, You Effing Bitch Beer, and our personal favorite, Eat Sh*t and Die Lite Beer, cannot be sold in Buzzardbait, Hooter Heights, or any other county-approved retail outlet, bar or restaurant.

Big Al of Big Al's Titty Emporium, who sells these and other "Normal-named" beers, has protested the decision, stating: "Discriminating against certain beers because of their names is akin to racism, homophobia, and downright ignorance from a bunch of freeloaders in the county seat who want to keep the local residents from enjoying any of these wonderful brews. If you're afraid of the names of the beers, then what about Schitts Beer? Why can you sell Schitts and not Piss Beer?"

Good question... So we sought answers.

Irvin Schitts, who died many years ago, was unavailable for comment, but Ho Lee Schitts, his great-grandson who now runs the Schitts Brewery, said, "I was raised in China. There, we had many odd names for beers, most of which cannot be translated in English because they may come across as offensive to certain politicians and wussies! We were thinking of importing a few of these beers to the area, but now I think we will be unable to import such wonderful ales as Smelly Pus*y Beer, Fu*kin' Asshole Dark Ale, or my personal favorite, Bitch, Get Me a Beer Cream Ale."

Even some people in county government thinks the decision stinks. Take Oliver Closeoff... He says, "One of my favorite beers is called Fu*k Off Premium Stout. When you say Fu*k Off, you've said it all!" He added, "Hey, if these pansy-assed politicians can't run the county, then why are they trying to run liquor sales? I think they all suck!"

So, beers like Dog Wizz Lite, Old Sweat Socks Beer, and Cream of Sum Yung Gui Winter White Beer with Protein can be sold, but Rotten, Lousy Son of a Bitch Beer cannot be sold anywhere in Ammo County, thanks to our forward-thinking politicians.

Let's all remember that the First Amendment rights to free speech are under assault by these so-called leaders, and if I can't buy Fu*k You Mother Fu*ker Beer, then my rights have been violated!

Viva the First Amendment!

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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The Curious Urinal  Friday 4/13/2012

SPECIAL LATE NIGHT EDITION

Buzzardbait Woman Arrested in Burgers for Sex Sting
By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker

A Buzzardbait resident was charged with solicitation Wednesday after she apparently showed up at the Phurr Resturant asking for sex in trade for some cheeseburgers.

Faith Knowmore, 47, was arrested after she allegedly offered sexual favors for two Phurrburgers with cheese.

Detective Inspector, of the Buzzardbait Police Department, invited Ms. Knowmore into his car on Friday and started talking about sex.

Knowmore allegedly said that her fee was two Phurrburgers-- with cheese --  costing a grand total of $6.75. Of course, Knowmore was also allegedly looking for a tip of $50 for her services.

The detective bought the burgers and drove to a vacant lot near Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, where a group of undercover police officers arrested Knowmore on charges of prostitution. It's yet unclear whether she was allowed to eat the delicious Phurrburgers before she was taken to jail.

When asked about the incident, Dect. Inspector said, "She must have really been hungry for those burgers, and just the thought of them made me go back and buy a couple for myself. There's nothing like a Phurrburger!"

Faith Knowmore was released on Saturday after posting $500 bail. Her trial is set for August. If convicted, Ms. Knowmore could be facing 10 years in jail and no access to Phurrburgers... Except maybe from a cellmate.


This edition of The Curious Urinal was brought to you by:

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The Curious Urinal - 4/6/2012
GOOD FRIDAY EDITION!

Buzzardbait High Preparing for Prom Night
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Okay, if any of you parents remember last year's prom, you probably spent it bailing out your kids from jail. Well, this year, Buzzardbait High School is sending the following warning to all of the seniors parents.

Notice to parents:

Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Senior Dance on Friday, May 27th. This years theme is It's Finally Time to Get Out of Hell!

Chaperone's are once again requested to attend this year dance as the high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers who chaperoned for the last two years. The dance has become dangerous and we need parents who can still control their children to please attend.

Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait over the last two years will also note that over 90% of the graduating seniors missed graduation day due to the bail hearings.

The brawls that have rolled out into the streets must stop. We are the only school in Ammo County to post more arrests records in the newspaper than graduation reports. Please, let's stop this from getting worse!

If you wish to be one of the chaperone's, the requirements include the following: being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds - as some of our students are fairly good sized. Also, anyone with pepper spray or a Louisville Slugger baseball bat (Except for aluminum bats) may carry those items again this year. We are also considering electric cattle prods for use this year as well. Last year they were nixed due to a shortage of D-cell batteries. We have an ample stock this year, so bring them if you have them.

Benefits to the chaperone's include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance). Also, Findem, Suem and Skrewem, Attorneys at Law, will be handling assault charges levied against chaperone's for a discounted fee.

Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/30/2012

If you follow college sports then you know that we are in full March Madness. As many of you know, the University of Louisville and the University of Kentucky are facing off Saturday in the Final Four.

Having said that, not one of the staff of The Curious Urinal has been productive at all this week. In fact, two of them (each a fan of either UofL of UK) got into a fist fight and were suspended. The rest have been making bets and drinking on the job.

So, in order to provide you, dear readers (both of you) with your weekly dose of the CU, I'm re-running the following -

The Curious Urinal Interview - Milo Days
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Today, we speak with Milo Days... The Best Bluesman in the Business! So, when we learned that we were fortunate enough to land this interview with one of America's busiest Bluesmen, we did our homework.

MD: Welcome to my humble abode.

CU: Thanks. This palace is wonderful!

MD: I call it the old country dump!

CU: 30,000 square foot of country dump, I’d say!

MD: Yeah, man, but I had to build a place big enough for my studio, and to put up all my gold records!

CU: Speaking of which, what’s happening with your career, Mr. Days?

MD: Call me Milo, man. I don’t do that Mister stuff. That’s so passe.

CU: Okay, Milo. So what’s the latest?

MD: Well, I’m working on my latest CD. It's gonna be called: Milo Days, The Blues Done Got A Hold On Me! I’ve been working my fingers to da bone all over that guitar. And man, I've been diggin’ it!

CU: Milo, your fans are very loyal to you. They sell out every venue you play. They buy every CD you put out. How can you keep being fresh in today’s music market and still be true to the fans?

MD: First of all, the fans are what I live for... Well, that and some Dingleberry Wine.

CU: But to remain relevant in the world of Hip Hop and Rap, Rock and Country, you somehow manage to make the Blues sound more appealing to the masses.

MD: Man, that ain’t no problem. Lots of folks are singing the blues lately! With the way things are today, most everybody is livin' the blues! And I know the blues, baby! I grew up on the mean streets of Buzzardbait. I have lived the blues!”

CU: But your parents were both professionals, if I’ve done my homework correctly. Your father was the first black dentist in Buzzardbait, and retired a wealthy man. Your mother was one of three of the founders of Kentucky Fricasseed Chicken here in Buzzardbait. She later sold her interests to some New York investment firm for millions of dollars. You went to the Buzzardbait School for the Well-To-Do, and graduated at the top of your class. You attended college at Yale and didn’t take up being a musician until after you retired from the Findem, Suem and Skrewem Law Firm.

MD: Man, did you dig up my arrest record, too?

CU: Actually, you have never served time in jail, and as far as we could find out, never did anything that was considered illegal, immoral or remotely related to living the Blues Lifestyle.

MD: Are you trying to ruin my career? Look, I am trying to earn a livin’ here! Stop telling everyone about my past, okay? Yeah, I did my time in corporate America. I paid my taxes and lived a damned good life. But the Blues got a hold of me and changed me from what I was into what I am today!

CU: Fair enough.

MD: Damn, you ain’t right; trying to mess up a good thing for me!

CU: Now, you do a lot of promotions for Dingleberry Wine. We checked the records and found that you made nearly a half-million last year for your commercials and other endorsements for the local winery.

MD: Yeah, so?

CU: Isn’t that like living the anti-blues lifestyle?

MD: Look, here’s the deal. I drink the wine and they pay me for my services and promote my CD’s and concerts heavily. Now, you got a problem with makin’ some dough?

CU: Not in the least. What I’m trying to get at is that...

MD: Look, man... I ain’t got no reason not to make money. It’s what America is all about! When some respectable person makes money, it’s called business. When a musician makes it, it’s called making a damned living! And I make a damned good livin’!

CU: Yes you do. Last year was a banner year for you. Your four releases sold nearly ten million CD’s last year. You get $5 a pop from the sales of your CD’s. That’s nearly fifty-million dollars!

MD: And rightly so, man! I earned my livin’! I play my ass off nearly every night somewhere across this great land of ours! Don’t think for a minute I haven’t earned every last dime of that. Now if I could just keep what I earned. The damned government wants to keep on takin' and takin' and handing it out to the banks, the car companies and a bunch of welfare cheats! I say screw em! Let em get out there and get a real job!
I earn my money, and I wanna keep it! You got a problem with that?

CU: I’m not saying that. I’m saying...

MD: Look, man... I have spent my career trying to be the very best bluesman on the planet. I've record more CD's than that damned BB King ever thought of doin’! Old John Lee Hooker never did half of what I do! And don’t even get me started of the damned Blues Brothers... Although they did give me the idea of making music instead of representing gutter scum, morons and thieves in court!

CU: You represented politicians in court?

MD: Yeah, man. Some of them needed to go to jail and stay there too! Old Charlie Rangel's done enough to serve life several times over. And he's just one of many that needs to see the inside of a jail cell and live the blues, iff'n you know what I mean? Maybe be some hoss' prison bitch. Oh, they'll be singing the blues in no time! But to answer your question, yeah! And that's what I like about the blues. I can play my music and not have to deal with those lowlifes!

CU: So, in other words, you have enjoyed your career?

MD: Damn skippy, I have!

CU: I hate to ask this, but what are your political views?

MD: I am an non-political kinda guy, man. Politics are for those that can’t hold down a steady gig, iff'n you know what I mean?

CU: Would you call yourself a Democrat, Republican or Independent?

MD: Are you asking me who I voted for in the last election?

CU: Well, not in so many words, but yes!

MD: Between you and me, I didn’t like either guy running. The old dude is a waffler and the other dude is a commie-loving... Well, you catch my drift!

CU: So you didn’t vote for anyone?

MD: I voted for the chick, baby!

CU: Hillary?

MD: Not that skank, man! The good looking one from up north!

CU: Sarah Palin from Alaska?

MD: Yeah, man! She’s the kinda woman I could be hanging out with and drinkin’ some wine and... Well, you know how that goes?

CU: But she’s married.

MD: So?

CU: Uh, never mind!

MD: Look here, man, I live the blues, baby! And there ain’t nothing that says the blues more than shaggin’ some married woman and making her man cry the blues!

CU: Or hunting you down and shooting you with a moose rifle!

MD: Well, there’s that, yeah!

CU: Well, thanks for sitting down with us today, Milo. Our readers will appreciate the open and honest story of your life.

MD: My pleasure. (Checking his watch) Damn, it’s time to go record. I better make a liquor store run before though. I’m running low on Dingleberry Wine!

CU: Need a ride?

MD: Nah, man. I got my limo driver for that!

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it usually is snuck into the hospital he happens to be recovering in.

Tres Equis - Stay thirsty... And away from the bulls, my friends!

The Curious Urinal  Friday 3/23/2012

Couples Therapy: 6 Reasons to Go
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Couples therapy sometimes can carry a negative stigma, preventing many couples from reaping its benefits. But there are plenty of reasons couples go to therapy, outside the threat of splitting up. We spoke with Anita Mann, Buzzardbait's authority on all things couples, and she gave us six common reasons she sees couples who are seeking to improve their relationship.

In-laws: Let's face it, having in-laws living with you can be like having wild animals in the house over the holidays. You probably hate them, wishing them death and dismemberment on a daily basis, but the problem with living with your in-laws may be simply that they serve no other purpose than to eat, sleep and butt into your business 254/7/365.  How to deal with the problem... Since you can't kill them (legally), here's the solution: Kick them out! Change the locks and pretend you're not home! Even if you happen to be living in their house at the time. Odds are that they will simply give up and move to Florida, never to speak to you again. Problem solved!

Parenting: I often see couples who have  children – That's the problem. Quit having those little brats! Children can be a big joy, if you allow someone else to raise them, otherwise they are little monsters that make noise, a mess, and refuse to pick-up after themselves. parenting can be a wonderful experience if you don't have kids!

Finances: This is one of the top reasons why couples break up. Someone’s a saver; someone’s a spender – The solution: Blame George Bush! The president has made a career of blaming George Bush for virtually everything, so why not you? Spend money you don't have, and borrow from China until they are broke, then go "Oopsie, I can't pay you back. George Bush made me do it!"

Religion: The solution here is simple: Marry someone that shares your beliefs, otherwise you'll end up in endless debates on whose religion is better, and we all know mine is!


Sickness or tragedy: For some, a trauma can bring couples together and for some, it can create a wedge. Deal with sickness or tragedy like I do... Ignore it! Who cares if your wife or husband is sick or dies? Let 'em! That's when you go out and find someone new and exciting, and forget about that old coot that you were married to before!

And lastly, Aging: Getting old sucks! Face lifts, tummy tucks, and boob jobs cannot stop death from slowly creeping up and biting you in your ass. The best way for a couple to deal with aging is to stop it! Don't get any older. Pretend you're 18 when you're 80. Wear clothing that looks ridiculous on you, get a Mohawk, a tattoo of yourself on your back that make you look like a circus sideshow reject, or better yet, refuse to act your age. Many couples can stay forever young by acting like children. Yes, there are mental health issues to contend with here, but who cares? Don't act your age, act your shoe size! You'll be much happier for the effort.


This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Buzzardbait Brewing Company, Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/17/2012

Local Company Promotes 'Man'gerie

By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker

Okay, call me a prude dude, but this latest fashion trend coming from Europe to the States happens to strike a nerve with me. Called Men's Lingerie, or Mangerie, a local fashion house is promoting this as the next big trend in male fashion.

We tried to speak with the owner of Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash, Irvin Girlin, but he sent one of his salespeople, Harry Reemer, to speak with us. When asked about the mangerie, Mr. Reemer said, "Oh girlfriend, this stuff is fabulous! I wear it all of the time for my partner!"

So, having been told that, I had to ask, "And does your 'partner' really like you wearing this kind of 'stuff?'"

"Dougie loves it, yes. Especially when I wear the pasties under the silky bra. It makes him so crazy, the silly goose!"

Well, Harry Reemer decided to demonstrate some of the new line of mangerie. We'll let you be the judge.

..This is Harry in the Mangerie he calls, Simply Sweet. It consist of a silky mansiere and some lacy manties. Also, notice the size 12 heels. Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash carries men's fashion footwear from sizes 6AA to 16 EEEE.

This is the same outfit, only coupled with the floor-length, sheer Silky Man Wrap. Mr. Reemer says, "It's so comfy that you'll simply want to wear it everywhere!"

Harry Reemer models one of the fashionable Mansieres (Man's Brassiere), made of heavy-duty silk-like materials and sporty A-Cup falsies to enhance any mans body. 

So, What do you think? Would you want to wear something like this? We asked several locals around Buzzardbait, and got some interesting reactions.

Jeb Cooter of Aureole Acres said, "Nope, not in a million years would I wear something like that!"

Whereas Slim Profit, owner of Slim's Used Mattresses and Sex Toys in Hooter Heights, said, "Well, if the better half wanted me to try it, I reckon I would. But not the high heels. No sir, I couldn't see my feet stuck in anything but my work boots!"

And Connie Crossmeandie, of Monkey Knuckles, KY, summed it up, saying, "If my husband wore something like that, I'd have to laugh, and then I'd beat him like a red-headed stepchild!"

Whether Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash sells many of these Mangerie items, the very fact that some men would wear this stuff really scares the hell out of me!

This Edition of The Curious Urinal

has been brought to you by:

Real Men Use

Buzzardbait Oil Company is another fine CCCoA Company

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America) 

Buzzardbait, KY