Is The Zombie Apocalypse Upon Us?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Miami, Florida, the fun and sun capital of the world... And now apparently the home of honest to goodness zombies?
A naked man savagely bit the face and eyes of another man during an attack in Miami last weekend has been identified. Police sources told The Curious Urinal that the accused was 31-year-old Rudy Eugene.
According to his former wife, Eugene had a history of violence. The ex-wife, who was not named, said the pair had a short-lived marriage that lasted a year and a half.
"I wouldn't say he had [a] mental problem but he always felt like people was against him ... No one was for him, everyone was against him." She then added, "I knew there was trouble in the marriage when one morning I woke up and found him gnawing on my arm." Then she said, "A few days later, I woke up to discover that part of my leg had been eaten. But the last straw was when I woke up and he was nibbling on my earlobe. And my ear was in his hands. I said 'Gemme my ear back!' but he just growled and went on chewing. I hobbled out of bed and left his ass right then and there!" She left the marriage because Eugene had been violent, and apparently hungry, and she had not been in contact with him for the past three years. They filed for divorce in 2007.
Eugene was shot dead Saturday afternoon by police who arrived at the scene on the off-ramp of the MacArthur Causeway where he was seen taking bites out of another man's face.
As an officer drew his gun and called for an end to the attack, he "just stood ... with pieces of flesh in his mouth and he growled," an eyewitness told The Curious Urinal.
According to the eyewitness, a cop fired one shot at Eugene, but he continued chewing, and going "mmmmmmm." The officer fired again and hit Eugene several more times before he was killed.
It remains unclear why the attacker pounced on his victim, who police theorized might have been homeless and laying down when the assault began.
Police told The Curious Urinal that they believe Eugene had likely overdosed on a new potent form of LSD.
"What's happening is whenever we see that a person has taken all of his clothes off and has become violent, it's indicative of this excited delirium that's caused by an overdose of drugs," said a police officer, who wished to remain anonymous for fear that the zombies would attack him next. "What's happening is inside their body their organs are burning up alive." The police officer added, "They begin craving human flesh, and think they're zombies. We just can't have that kind of thing here in Miami, especially during tourists season!"
The victim remains in critical condition at Jackson Memorial Hospital. Seventy-five to 80 percent of his face was reportedly missing.
We called the Buzzardbait Office for Zombie Apocalyptic Affairs to ask if they could comment on the case. They had no official comment, but did say, "We're keeping our guns loaded, just in case!"
In Other News
Teen solves 300-year-old mathematical riddle
Shouryya Ray worked out how to calculate exactly the path of a projectile under gravity and subject to air resistance, The (London) Sunday Times reported.
The Indian-born teen said he solved the problem that had stumped mathematicians for centuries while working on a school project.
Ray won a research award for his efforts and has been labeled a genius by the German media.
Meanwhile, here in Buzzardbait, a 16 year old teen solved a complicated riddle that no one else had before. Butch 'Limpie' Dykerson discovered how many licks it took to get the the center of a Tootie Pop. After a week of licking the candy, he reached the center. In all, it took 16,203 licks to get to the center, a feat never before mastered. His prize will be a free Slurper from Haji's Quicky Mart and a dozen suckers from Cox's Candy Store.
When asked what he was most excited about getting, Butch replied, "I like Slurpers, but Cox Suckers are my favorite!"
In other news around the area
Local Blues Singer, Milo Days, will be appearing at the Strikes and Suds Bowling Lanes this weekend. His show, called The Milo Days Blues Revue, will be in the bowling alley's lounge. He will perform two shows per night. Tickets go on sale tomorrow. They will cost $10 each in advance, or $7.50 at the door on the days of the show.
Also, Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats will be performing at the Strikes and Suds the following weekend. Tickets will be given away by WBZZ Radio, 895 on you’re A.M. dial.
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