SPECIAL MEMORIAL DAY EDITION
Memorial Day Weekend is Here -
Picnics and Parades on To Do Lists
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Buzzardbait is preparing for its big Memorial Day Weekend with a huge two block yard sale, a parade, and fireworks in the park.
First up - Poon Point residents are gearing up for their second annual Block Yard Sale, only this year there will be two blocks of crap for sale by residents desperate to get rid of their junk for rent money, gas money, and beer money for the weekend.
Secondly - Buzzardbaits' annual Memorial Day Parade, held on the Saturday before Memorial Day, always draws huge crowds. Last year set an attendance record, as 47 people lined Main Street to see the float, the Buzzardbait High Marching Band (all six of them), several horses and riders from the Hooter Heights Dude Ranch, and Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, who was the Master of Ceremonies. This year, there is supposed to be a surprise float entry, and maybe someone to clean-up the horse crap too!
Then, Saturday night, the big Buzzardbait fireworks display takes place at 9:30. This year, as opposed to last year, there will be almost $49 worth of fireworks used. Last year's paltry $15 display consisted of as handful of sparklers and one M-80. Promoters say this year will be the best fireworks display yet!
And finally, a big Thank You goes out to our men and women in uniform, who keep us free and fight for others to be free all around the world. Some gave all, all gave some, and we all should be grateful for their service to this nation!
President Narrowly Avoids Defeat in Primaries
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker
It would seem that President Obama has some stiff competition in now Three Primaries as of late. First, two weeks ago, a convicted felon, Keith Judd, who is serving time in a Texas Federal Prison, took a large percentage of votes in West Virginia, earning 41 percent of the vote. Now, Arkansas and Kentucky have also been unkind to the president.
"Uncommitted" took a major share of the votes this past Tuesday in the Kentucky Primary, and in the Arkansas primary, a lawyer from Tennessee took a large chunk of the votes. Is this a sign that the president is struggling in Southern states?
In the Arkansas primary, attorney John Wolfe Jr., took 42 percent of the vote, compared to 58 percent for Obama. Meanwhile, in Kentucky, 42 percent of registered Democrats voted "uncommitted," compared to 58 percent for the president, according to official results.
Is this a sign of weakness in the Democratic Party? Or perhaps voters are tired of what Washington DC has to offer? Either way, come November, the president may have to be calling 3 Dudes and a Pick-up Truck to begin the daunting task of moving his belongings out of the White House.
Want Ads
The following are actual want ads from The Curious Urinal.
Wanted: Ten well dressed and hard-working individuals for door to door sales. The last 10 people were not well dressed, nor hard-working. In fact, they really sucked at the job, causing us to lose business, making the jobs for the 10 people we do hire even harder. Long days of walking, talking, and carrying heavy boxes of goods will be in store for you. We do not want you to be hanging out with your friends, texting, drinking beer, or sleeping while you are working for us, like the last bunch of idiots did. Good pay for those who qualify. If you have applied here before and were not called, please do not apply again, as we didn't hire you for a reason. This a commission only sales job. You will not be paid for your job unless you sell something. So don't ask for gas money, bus fare, or an advance so you can go to the mall and buy some decent clothes.
Apply in person at:
Richard Heads House of Unwanted Magazines
5th and Main, Buzzardbait, KY
Between the hours of 10 and 10:15 a.m. on Mondays only.
We will not accept applications before or after this time, so don't ask. We get pretty sick and tired of telling people that we only take applications on Mondays between 10 and 10:15 a.m. If you can't read the sign that's clearly posted, then odds are you cannot read, or you're just too stupid to understand plain English! Geez, how hard is it for you people to understand the rules? Are you that freakin' stupid? If so, we don't want or need you to apply.
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Help, we're swamped!
Three Dudes and a Pick-up Truck is currently looking for at least 3 more people and at least one with another pick-up truck (or moving van) who have strong backs and knows when to keep their mouths shut. We just want you to move furniture, not display your speaking abilities. We pay weekly, unless we have a really bad month, then it could be monthly.
Apply at:
3 Dudes and a Pick-up Truck
on the corner of 5th and Main.
Buzzardbait, KY.
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Margie's House of Ill Repute is looking for 5 women to run their newest Cat House in Hooter Heights. No experience needed, will train. Located near Big Al's Titty Emporium, behind the Hooter Heights Truck Stop. Get paid to be on your back all day! Apply in person, no phone calls please.
Margie's House of Ill Repute
Where the customer comes first!
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