The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/2/2012

BIG OSCAR NIGHT FOR BUZZARDBAIT
Story by Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

So there I was, dressed in my tuxedo, standing near the Red Carpet, microphone in hand, trying to get that interview with any number of celebrities. I heard a commotion, when out of nowhere came Sean Young. I asked her for a quick question, and she flipped me off.

Ah, Hollywood... Full of self absorbed movie stars and borderline talented reality stars.

I must have asked 30 or so supposed 'STARS' to field a question or two from this humble reporter, and had 30 or so rejections. All of the big celeb reporters were getting their questions answered--- Joan Rivers, working the Red Carpet like a shoe salesman at KMart, got all of her questions asked by all the stars that ambled by, yet this lone reporter was being snubbed. The would rather talk to that has-been, Joan Rivers, over me? The bitch!

Needless to say, it wasn't looking to be a good night for The Curious Urinal.

Then, here came Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, and his date. Stinky, seeing how despondent I was, came up to me and granted me a few questions. He shunned Ryan Seacrest for little old me at The Curious Urinal. So, I asked him, "Why are you here?"

Stinky, true to form, replied, "The swag and the free banana daiquiris!" Then he answered, "Actually, I'm up for an Oscar for my role in the latest Planet of the Apes flick. I hear I have good odds to win the Oscar this year. I was disappointed last year when I was snubbed because Tom Clues had me edited out of his movie, Mission: Apepossible: Monkey Protocol! That just sucked! And to add insult to injury, he boosted Tommy the Trunk Monkey's role! Talk about a bitch!" He added, "Speaking of which, I hope they don't give an Oscar to Meryl Streep this year! That would suck even more!"

 His date, looking lovely in a dress by designer J C Penney, said, "Stinky, come on. The E! people are begging for some pictures."

So Stinky gave me a wink, saying, "Women!" and waked away.

Later, Stinky the Feces-throwing Monkey won his Oscar.

Stinky, the Feces-throwing monkey accept the Academy Award for Best Primate in a movie about scientifically-mutated monkeys.

And that was it. I spent $600 on a lousy tuxedo rental, $1,800 in air travel, $2,000 on a swank room at the Holiday Inn and Suites, and I got one interview and one lousy picture. Oh well, at least I was here, rubbing elbows with the crowd that had gathered to gaze upon the vast array of Hollywood Stars.

Okay, so it wasn't a big night at the Oscars for Buzzardbait, but I did get to see Angelina Jolie's thigh, and that was worth all of the effort. I just hope the boss doesn't have a cow when he sees the expense report.

Here's the list of the 84th Annual Academy Award winners announced Sunday:

1. Best Picture: "The Artist."

2. Actor: Jean Dujardin, "The Artist."

3. Actress: Meryl Streep, "The Iron Lady."

4. Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, "Beginners."

5. Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer, "The Help."

6. Directing: Michel Hazanavicius, "The Artist."

7. Foreign Language Film: "A Separation," Iran.

8. Adapted Screenplay: Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash, "The Descendants."

9. Original Screenplay: Woody Allen, "Midnight in Paris."

10. Animated Feature Film: "Rango."

11. Art Direction: "Hugo."

12. Cinematography: "Hugo."

13. Sound Mixing: "Hugo."

14. Sound Editing: "Hugo."

15. Original Score: "The Artist."

16. Original Song: "Man or Muppet" from "The Muppets."

17. Costume Design: "The Artist."

18. Documentary Feature: "Undefeated."

19. Documentary Short: "Saving Face."

20. Film Editing: "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo."

21. Makeup: "The Iron Lady."

22. Animated Short Film: "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore."

23. Live Action Short Film: "The Shore."

24. Visual Effects: "Hugo."

25. Best Primate in a Movie about Scientifically-mutated Monkeys: Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey.



This Edition of The Curious Urinal was brought to you by:
 

Remember kids - There's a toy surprise in each and every box of Monkey Nuts Cereal! This time, we have 25 different versions of real, fake, artificial, faux Monkey Poop.

Collect them all!

Monkey Nuts Cereal - Another fine product of CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America) 

Buzzardbait, KY.

THE BEST OF
The Curious Urinal Friday 2/24/2012

Due to popular demand (okay, only one person requested this), we here at The Curious Urinal are rerunning one of the Best Interviews ever.

The Curious Urinal Interview -

Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama.

We here at the Curious Urinal try to bring you the best interviews with some of Hollywood’s hottest stars, controversial figures, or political leaders. And today is no exception. The Curious Urinal was granted a special interview with the current and two former presidents. The following is the result of a hard-fought process to speak with the three gentlemen at once.

CU: Thank you all for agreeing to take a few minutes to talk with us.

WJC: My pleasure.

BHO: Any time.

GWB: Always good to speak to the press.

CU: Let’s cut to the chase. Mr. President, you are pushing for more and more government control over the lives of all Americans. The question is why?

BHO: I assume you are talking to me?

CU: Yes.

BHO: Uh, well, er, I wasn’t prepared to , uh, answer any questions pertaining to, uh, policy.

CU: But you can at least tell us what your agenda is pertaining to spending trillions of dollars, which has many economist baffled, by the way, to stimulate the economy?

BHO: Bill, you want to answer this one?

WJC: Sorry, you’re on your own.

BHO: Uh, well, you see, uh, it’s like, uh, I've been busy cleaning up the mess left by the previous administration...

GWB: There you go again. How many times are you going to blame me for what the democrats have been doing since 2006? And what you're doing now?

BHO: George, I believe the question was directed toward me.

CU: Well, anyone who would like to answer for you, Mr. President, would be fine.

BHO: Bill?

WJC: (Phone ringing) Sorry, Hilary is calling. (He answers the phone)

GWB: Come on, Barack. Answer the mans question.

BHO: I’ll have to get back to you on, uh, that particular item. I’ll, have Rahm send you, uh, some propaganda... I, uh, I mean information.

WJC: (hanging up the phone) Uh oh!

CU: What’s wrong, Mr. Clinton?

WJC: Hilary just found my collection of Hustler Magazines hidden in my sock drawer. She’s pissed!

GWB: I’ve seen her pissed. It’s not a pretty sight!

WJC: Even when she’s not pissed, it’s not a pretty sight!

(laughter)

CU: Okay, getting back to my original question. President Obama, can you tell our readers why you feel it necessary to continue spending taxpayers dollars on stimulus packages, over-bloated healthcare bills and bailouts when people are simply looking to find gainful employment?

BHO: I wasn’t aware of economic questions, er, being, uh, brought up. I’ll defer to Bill.

WJC: You know, I call Hilary my anti-gravity wife.

GWB: Why’s that?

WJC: Because she’s always up in the air about something!

(laughter)

CU: Gentlemen, if we could continue with the interview.

(laughter between the presidents continues)

GWB: You know, I kept America safe after 9/11. Old Barry here can’t keep Charlie Rangel out of trouble, much less stop terrorists from entering the country.

BHO: I take, uh, offense, uh, to that!

GWB: Why are you stumbling over your words?

WJC: Because there’s no teleprompter handy for him to read.

(laughter between Clinton and Bush)

CU: Gentlemen, I have to ask about mistakes made during your administrations. What do you think was your biggest mistake?

GWB: Not getting Bin Laden!

WJC: Monica. But damn it was good!

BHO: So far, I have been too busy trying to clean up the mess left by the previous administration to make any mistakes!

GWB: You know, if you weren’t the president, I’d pop you one right on the nose for that.

WJC: Hell, Barack, you’ve spent over four times the money in a year and a half than what George did in eight years.

BHO: Uh, I, er, had to, uh...

GWB: Clean up my mess! Yes, I think everyone has heard that song and dance routine before!

WJC: (phone ringing) I have to take this. I’ll be right back.

CU: So, gentlemen, next question: When you sum up your experience as Commander in Chief, how did, or do you think you have done?

GWB: I think I instilled pride in the military. Having had some experience in the military helped me to do so.

BHO: Come on, you were in the National Guard. Your military experience means nothing.

GWB: At least I served in something besides the Socialist Party and Acorn!

BHO: And you can’t even say nuclear, much less have the intelligence to deal with nuclear treaties and dealing with rogue nations like Iran and North Korea.

GWB: If your party hadn’t blocked me at every turn, I could have dealt with that. And speaking of not being able to pronounce words, Mr. Smartypants, what the hell is Epantsapation?

WJC: Sorry, that call was important. I know what Epantsapation is! The inability to remove your pants while on the internet. Hilary saw to that!

(laughter between the presidents)

CU: Seriously, gentlemen, The country is in turmoil and needs direction. Who’s leadership would be better at this moment?

BHO: Mine!

WJC: Mine!

GWB: The two of you together couldn’t run a whore house on a slow night!

WJC: I think I might be able keep em busy!

(laughter between Bush and Clinton)

BHO: I have been dealing with the mess left from...

WJC and GWB: The previous administration!

GWB: You sound like a broken record!

WJC: I balanced the budget, So my leadership would straighten out the current mess!

GWB: You borrowed money from Social Security and fudged the books. I saw the budget, remember?

BHO: And you spent money on two wars and cut taxes for the rich!

GWB: And everything was going just fine till Nancy and the gang took over in 2006. Then all hell broke loose!

CU: Could we have a civilized discussion here?

BHO: Look, uh, I have a tee time to get to. I’ll have someone send you a picture of me and that should suffice.

WJC: And I just got a call from an old friend who wants to have some fun this afternoon. I have to go.

GWB: Well, I suppose I need to go too. I have a meeting with Jeb about maybe continuing the Bush Dynasty in 2012.

CU: So this is it? I get 5 minutes and not one straight answer?

WJC: We’re politicians. We don’t give straight answers!

BHO: Good answer!

GWB: Yeah, what they said!


A personal note: When the interview ended, I went to the bar and had a few drinks and several aspirin. My head was killing me!

The Best of
The Curious Urinal 2/17/12

This originally published last year, but since we were all too drunk from Valentine Champagne, we decided to rerun this one.



This is a supplemental log from the publisher and head cheese at The Curious Urinal, Dewaine. The following is a detailed chronicle of how I spent my summer vacation. Some of the names have been changed so I don't get sued.


Wednesday 6/29 - I woke up to the sound of someone cutting grass outside. I crawled out of bed, stumbled to the window and screamed at the neighbor who dared wake me up at the crack of 9 a.m. Once I was able to wake-up, I got dressed and packed for my big vacation trip to Gatlinburg, TN. The lady friend and I were set to depart by noon, so I had plenty of time to shove a few things into my suitcase and haul it to the car.

12:00 p.m. (Noon) - Lady friend informed me that she was running behind, but she'll be ready by 1:00... 1:30 p.m. at the latest.

1:45 p.m. - Still no word from the lady friend. I think her tanning salon trip/nail job is taking a little longer than expected.

2:09 p.m. - Lady friend calls. She needs a shower and to apply make-up. Should be ready by 2:30... 2:45 p.m. at the latest.

3:15p.m. - Lady friend calls. She's just about ready for me to pick her up. I rush to the car, barrel down the road and get to her house in 5 minutes (Buzzardbait ain't that big, ya know). She is shoving luggage out the door to me at 3:20.

3:30 p.m. - I finally packed-up the car with her trunk, her suitcase, her laptop, her make-up, rollers, curling iron, cameras and assorted WallyWorld bags full of unknown substances (later to find out it's fruit).

3:45 p.m. - Finally in beautiful downtown Buzzardbait to make a bank run. We then stop at one of the local fast food eatery's (Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes) and grabbed two burgers to go.

4:03 p.m.- Finally made it to the interstate out of Hooter Heights. Traffic is at a crawl as Old Man McGriffer's tractor is being hauled to the shop, blocking two of three lanes of traffic.

5:30 p.m. - Made it to the Tennessee line. Running way behind schedule. At least traffic isn't bad and the drivers all seem pretty courteous.

7:00 p.m. These people driving need to have their licenses revoked. How do stupid people get to drive in the first place?

7:30 - Made it to Gatlinburg; grabbed a pizza (at the best damned pizza joint in Tennessee) and drove up the side of a small mountain to the chalet. WHEW! At least the chalet is nice!

9:00 p.m. - In bed and asleep from sheer exhaustion.


Thursday 6/30 9: 00 a.m. - Woke up to a bear sitting on the front steps. Tried to shoo the bear away, but the bear just looked at me like I was an idiot. I retrieved a can of the lady friends hairspray and sprayed it toward the bear. With an air of a bear without a care, the bear nuzzled up to the railing and fell asleep.

9:30 a.m. - Called the Park Ranger Station. The man said he'd have someone up there by 11:00 a.m. or at the latest, noon.

1:35 p.m. - The bear has awakened from his nap and now has started to take a crap on the stairs. Still no Park Ranger!

2:15 p.m. - The Park Ranger shows up... Finally. The bear looks at the ranger and charges him. The ranger gets back in his truck and drives away

3:00 p.m. - Park Ranger Swat Team shows up, but the bear has already left. He must have smelled the cookout from another chalet.

3:15 p.m. - I managed to sweep away the big pile of bear crap from the stairs and we left to go eat lunch.

3:45 p.m. - Downtown Gatlinburg is practically empty; maybe a couple of thousand people at most, milling about and doing the tourist thing. The economy must be keeping everyone home this year. Bugs are swarming here and there, but that's okay.

4:25 p.m. - After trudging through six dozen shops; dealing with the millions of people who seem to be following us everywhere. Damn bugs are becoming a pain. I'm ready to go back to the cabin and drink until I pass out.


Friday 7/1 9:00 a.m. - Guess what? The bear is back. This time he has brought friends along. The trashcans have been mauled, and now the bears are looking at my car with lust in their eyes. I got the remainder of the hairspray and ignited it with a lighter. With my trusty Hairspray blowtorch, I'm gonna go cook some bear ass!

9:05 a.m. - Okay, so that wasn't such a good idea. The bears chased me up the long staircase and into the chalet. Now the bears are sitting in the hot tub. I called the Ranger Station, requesting the SWAT team again.

12:40 p.m. - Swat team shows up. This time they brought a helicopter, and what appears to be a small tank. The bears look pissed.

1:35 p.m. - The bears finally left after a brief shootout with the SWAT team. I didn't realize that the bears were allowed to carry guns in Tennessee. Apparently, I was mistaken.

2:00 p.m. - It's finally safe to leave and go get lunch.

3:10 p.m. - After lunch, we drove over the mountains thru the National Park and wound up in Cherokee, North Carolina. The casino beckons us. I'm feeling lucky!

3:45 p.m. - Well, so much for my frickin' luck! Lost $300, plus another $50.00 at the souvenir shop for colored feathers and a stuffed frickin' bear. I need a drink!

5:30 p.m. - Back in Gatlinburg. Hit the distillery where the moonshine is made. Bought 2 quarts and headed up the mountain to the chalet. I'm gonna tie one on.

9:30 p.m. - I'm drunk as a skunk. Gonna pass out now.

11:30 p.m. I woke up to the sound of splashing. Looked out the window and see two bears doing it in out hot tub. I'm too drunk to care. I go back to bed.

3:30 a.m. - I finally have to call the cops and the Park Rangers to send someone over to deal with these damned bears. They are playing the stereo way too loud and splashing all of the water from the hot tub. Plus the bears are now using the grill. I'm not gonna be charged for starting a forest fire. Smokey the Bear my ass!


Saturday 7/2 - 9:00 a.m. - Woke up to no bears, but did receive a bill from the Park Ranger Service for $4,500 in bear removal fees.

10:00 a.m. - Walking down the main drag in Gatlinburg. People everywhere. My God, I liked it better when the streets were nearly empty. Now there's a commotion. It's a frickin' bear parade. I kid you not! Several bears are holding a banner saying: Bear Pride March! A couple of bears are carrying protest signs saying: We Want More Picnic Baskets, and one says: Will Pose for Pictures for Food! The march is sponsored by Bear and Woodland Creatures Union Local 1313. Geez! I hate me some bears!

11:00 a.m. - We ate lunch at some hot dog stand that charged me $3.50 for a dog and relish. Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand back home has better dogs and a hell of a lot cheaper! Heading back to get more moonshine!

12:45 p.m. - Back to the Pay to Park lot to find my car covered with crap. Bear crap, bird crap, and I bet the squirrels have crapped on it too. Now I'll have to shovel the crap off of the windshield to see. I need a car wash badly!

1:10 p.m. - Local car wash charged me $97 to clean off my car because of the massive amount of animal feces. The car smells of fish, berries and the man says that I'll probably need a paint job soon. Just frickin' wonderful!

1:30 p.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend needs a nap. I'm going to have a nip of the moonshine. I think I deserve a drink at this point.

3:00 p.m. - This is lady friend typing. The old buzzard has passed clean out on the floor. There are two empty quart jars of moonshine on the floor with him. I'm going shopping without his ass!

6:45 p.m. - I woke up from my nap and found out the lady friend was gone. I'm stuck here with no moonshine left. I wonder if they deliver?

7:15 p.m. - Lady friend returned from shopping and brought a pizza back too. Chowing down on pizza and hearing something outside. Looked from the balcony and see the Park Rangers and the SWAT team are coming up the drive again. It seems the bears filed a complaint against me for terroristic threatening of a protected woodland creature. Being hauled to jail.



Sunday 9:00 a.m. - Judge Will Tryem proceeds over my arraignment. My court-appointed lawyer tells the judge and the District Attorney that the bears are trying to run off tourism by accusing visitors of terrorism. Judge Tryem lets me off with a warning and a $500 fine for pissing the bears off.

11:00 a.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend has packed everything up and we leave the chalet. I'm heading home before something else happens. I'm eat-up with bug bites, been accosted by bears and hassled by the man. I'm heading back to Buzzardbait before the bears can accuse me of something else to put me back in jail. I hate bears! Did I already say that? Well, I still do!

3:37p.m. - Some old couple from Ohio, driving a BMW no less, just tried to run me off the road. I think the old bastard's drunk, or too incredibly freaking old to be driving. I hate bears, BMW's, and old non-driving people!

6:05 p.m. - Dropped off lady friend, who informed me I owe here a can of hairspray and pizza money. I emptied my wallet and we called it even. Geez!

6:30 p.m. - I arrive back home Sunday afternoon to find Buzzardbait just like I left it. Thank God, some things never change. After the ordeal I had the past few days, I need a vacation! Only next vacation, I am hoping for no bears, and no bugs!

The Curious Urinal - 2/5/2012

It's Super Bowl Sunday! But we're not going to talk about football. Instead, we'll talk about the boss and his lady friend, who took a long two week trip. Here is his travelogue.

The Vacation Travelogue.

Part One -
The Here Come The Mummies Cruise

Day One 

1:00 p.m. - I was all set to depart from Buzzardbait at 10 a.m.  By noon, I was still awaiting the lady friend to get her hair done, her nails dried, and her packing complete.

3 p.m. - We are on the road; stopping every 50 miles at gas stations and rest areas along the highway. Why is it that people have to pee so much on the road?

5:30 p.m., Had to stop for gas. Lady friend decided to shop for trinkets. $137.78 in shot glasses, post cards, and the occasional magnetic name tag that did not match any names of the people she knew. My question is: Who is Raul, and why does he warrant 15 magnetic name tags?

6:00 p.m. - After 6 hours on the road, the lady friend decided that she was hungry. We stopped for burgers at a place called the Greasy Spoon in south Tennessee. $16.99 got us 2 burgers, two small fries, and a watered-down cola each. The name of the joint sure reflected the utensils on the table. Yuck!

10:20 p.m. - The weather in Tennessee was cool, overcast, and otherwise fine for driving, but the weather in Georgia is rainy, foggy, and...  Was that banjo music I just heard? Get me out of northern Georgia!

12:03 a.m. - The lady friend has decided on a motel... Finally. We have stopped at fifteen different motels from Atlanta to Macon, burned a half-tank of gas, and she finally decided she liked the rooms at the Hilton. So much for the travel budget!

Day Two 

8:00 a.m. - The wake-up call from the front desk consisted of the following:" Get your lazy ass up and get out of here before check-out time!" All with a nice Georgia drawl. Sweet!

9:57 a.m. - The lady friend finally left the room. We barely made it to check-out before having to pay for an additional day.

10:30 a.m. - A quick breakfast of grits, hash browns and fried eggs. Grits suck! We're now on the road to Florida.

1:30 p.m. - We finally have entered Florida. We went from cool to hot weather about 10 minutes after crossing the state line.

2:00 p.m. - Pulled over by Florida State Police for hanging my head out of the window. $200 fine for that?

3:30 p.m. - Made it to Ocala. Found some friends that I haven't seen for a while. Went to eat at some Cuban Restaurant. I ate too much. Paying for it now!

12:00 a.m. - Sitting in the bathroom, feeling the after-effects of Cuban Cuisine. Good God, I think I'm gonna die!

8:30 a.m. - Finally out of the bathroom. I have nothing left in my system but fear that I'll make the same mistake again! No more Cuban Cuisine ever again!

12:00 p.m. - Lunch at Mickey Dee's. Still feeling the effects of the Cuban Cuisine the night before. There's nothing like greasy burgers to show your tummy how much you love it after a night of Cuban cuisine! Gag me!

1:30 p.m. - Back at the friends house. Both of them are sick, hogging the bathroom. The smell of the after-effects of Cuban Cuisine permeates the neighborhood.

5:p.m. - Finally out of the bathroom, the friends and I, along with the lady friend, go to dinner. Bronx-style Pizza is wonderful, even with the still queasy stomach. Greasy pepperoni and extra cheese does a body good!

10:00 p.m. - Said goodnight to the friends, and came back to the hotel. I ate Sugar Babies by the handful to kill the greasy aftertaste of the pizza. Also, had to call the front desk to ask for extra toilet paper, and some aloe lotion. Motel toilet paper is like 40 grit sandpaper on your tushy!

Day Three 

5:30 a.m. - Up at the crack of predawn, packed and ready to leave for the cruise ship. The desk clerk, dressed in pajamas, with bleary eyes, gave us dirty looks for waking her up so damned early. She tells us to have a nice day, pushes us out of the door, and shuts of the lights behind us.

9:20 a.m. Lady friend spotted sick pelicans on the side of the road and made me stop. She wished to render first aid to them. She brought out a box of Alka-Seltzer and fed several of the ill pelicans. Plop plop, fizz KABOOM! The pelicans exploded. Pelican parts permeated the perimeter. A Florida State Police car pulled up, and the nice patrolman wrote us a ticket for feeding the animals and pelican assassination. $400 in fines and clean-up costs, payable to the Florida State Police to keep it off our records.

12:00 p.m. Finally made it to the port. Hauling 300 pounds of luggage to the ship. The baggage handlers give me a dirty look for the weight of the bags. I slipped the porter a $20 and said, "It's all hers!"

4:00 p.m. - Now on the ship, we're doing the Muster Station Drill. We're lined up like a bunch of prison inmates about to get a rectal exam from someone with hands the size of ham hocks. It's pretty boring, except for the lady friend getting in trouble for incessant talking, and not following instructions. I didn't know they still used dunce caps, especially on cruise ships. I'm surprised they didn't make her walk the plank.

4:30 p.m. - Departing port, standing on the balcony of the suite and realizing I can't swim if this ship goes down.

5:30 p.m. - Throwing up over the side of the boat. Damned Cuban Cuisine and Bronx Pizza. There's a greasy, God-awful taste in my mouth.

6:00 p.m. -  Cocktails with the band Here Come The Mummies, who didn't show up. Met several nice people, all of whom ignored me and drooled over the lady friend. Her dress is cut so low it would make a baby cry!

8:30 p.m. -  After the cocktail party, we're sitting in the fancy dining hall restaurant inside the ship. Wonderful, they are having Cuban Cuisine Night.

10:00 p.m. -  Sitting in the medical room on deck 1, having Pepto Bismol feed to me thru an IV.

12:00 a.m. - Finally back in the room, going to bed. Still belching Cuban Cuisine.

Day Four

6:00 a.m. - Up way too early, but feeling better. Walked out on the balcony and a pelican shat on my head. Time for a shower.

9:00 a.m. - Breakfast, and wandering around the ship. Took a try on the rock wall. The safety cable broke, and I fell twenty feet. Back to the medical center.

5:00 p.m. - One sprained knee and a bruised hip later, I am now walking with crutches. The lady friend and I head to the first Here Come The Mummies concert. It was a great show, but fell down the stairs when the crutches snagged a woman's foot. Back to the infirmary.

12:00 a.m. - Back to the room, seven stitches in my head and an icepack later, I'm ready for bed.

Day Five 

9:00 a.m. - I fell as I got out of the bed (tripped over the crutches). A gurney wheels me to the medical center. Re-twisted my knee, bruised my leg, and had stitches in my head where it came into contact with the wall when I fell out of bed. Okay, my head went thru the wall. Not a great way to start the day!

3:00 p.m. - Lady friend is shopping, so I'm back in the room by myself. My leg is propped up on pillows and I'm finally going to get to watch TV.

3:10 p.m. - Lady friend returns to the room with $800 worth of souvenirs, all charged to the room, of course.

5:30 p.m. - Heading to the 2nd Mummies concert. I find a safe spot to sit, and realize that my knee will not bend, so I have to sit sideways on the edge of the seat and watch the show with my head craned to the left. After the show, I can't straighten out the neck,. Heading back to the medical center.

8:30 p.m. - The formal dinner with the ships captain. I'm in my best suit, with crutches, a neck brace, and looking like I was hit by a truck. The captain looks at me and shakes his head, saying, "You look like you were hit by a truck!"
After that, he walked away and I had to try to eat with my neck craned to the left, with my right leg jutting out in the aisle. Several tripped waiters later, I'm escorted out of the restaurant and back to my room with a dish of cold rice and something that resembles snails.

Day Six

9:00 a.m. - The ship arrives at the port in Cozumel, Mexico. We debark the ship, and I am immediately questioned by the Mexican Police about trying to sneak weapons into the country. The lady friend goes shopping while I'm detained and questioned.

3:00 p.m. - I am cleared and allowed to leave the police station. I hobble to Senor Frog's and have a Dos Equis. The bartender feels sorry for me and gives me my beer for full price. Very nice of her, I must say. I spot the lady friend carrying several large bags toward the ship. I hobble back to the ship and find her in the room with $600 worth of tee shirts and assorted jewelry, and at least two sets of maracas. And, of course, it was all charged to the room.

8:30 p.m. - Back to sea, the weather is feeling like rain, so the lady friend and I go to eat at the Windjammer Restaurant. Three plates of real food, instead of the crap served at the fancy restaurant. I'm full and ready for the midnight concert.

12:00 a.m. - Here Come The Mummies are rockin'! I get up to dance (we're seated in the balcony, front row) I lose my balance and fall over the balcony, landing on some really nice people who helped to load me on the gurney. Back to the medical center.

Day Seven

7:00 a.m. - I'm released from the medical center, with a fractured leg, a sprained back, a concussion, and feeling lucky. I use the wheelchair to go to the casino. After stuffing a hundred dollar bill into the machine, I played for fifteen minutes and cashed out a quarter. $.25 cents! Wow, I felt lucky too. I hand the machine over to some elderly woman who put a dollar in and won $700. Bitch!

5:30 p.m. The cocktail party with Here Come The Mummies. The guys all signed my cast, bought me some wine, and made my cruise a good one, regardless of everything else. Thank You Mummies!

10:00 p.m. All packed and ready to depart the shop the following morning. The lady friend complained that she didn't have a good time because I was too busy to spend any time with her. She gets upset and goes to the casino. She spends $2000, all charged to the room, of course.

Day Eight

8:00 a.m. - Standing in line for Customs. I cannot carry my own bags, as I have crutches and a wheelchair, all charged to my room. Once thru customs, I have to meet with the representatives from the cruise line. I owe them $13,472.19 for charges made to the room, plus the medical equipment and care rendered while on board.

12:30 p.m. - After talking to the bank back home, I have my savings account nearly wiped out paying for the charges and other items to the cruise line. Lady friend is upset with me because all I can think about is money!

3:00 p.m. - Heading up to Orlando, a gravel truck throws gravel into my windshield. I cannot see from the cracked glass. A friendly Florida Highway Patrolman comes by and writes me a ticket for driving with a busted windshield.

8:00 p.m. - $800 worth of window replacement at some place called Honest Bubba's House of Glass.  I really don't think he was that damned honest!


Part Two -
The Disney Parks Vacation 
Day Nine

9:00 a.m. - I finally can walk again. The leg hurts, but the wheelchair makes my ass sore. Walking is better anyway. I realize that I won't be able to ride anything with a cast on, so We drive to the nearest drugstore to buy pain meds and Ace Bandages to wrap my busted-ass leg up. While I am removing the cast to wrap my leg with the bandages, the lady friend buys up several boxes of Alka-Seltzer. She has a far-away look in her eyes as she leaves the store. After that, the lady friend and I head to Disney World.

3:00 p.m. - We're checked into our room and have our gate passes in hand, so we head to EPCOT! Once there, the lady friend informs me that she isn't riding any rides with me, so I decide to walk around and be bored with her.

4:30 p.m. - Lady friend feeds the pelicans that were all around the park some Alka-Seltzer. Plop plop, fizz BOOM! Pelican parts fly everywhere. I distance myself from the lady friend and pretend not to know her. She is ejected from the park. I got to ride everything I wanted after that!

9:00 p.m. - Lady friend is upset with me because I didn't defend her honor. I explained that Disney didn't like their birds harmed. She couldn't understand why, seeing how it was just a few dozen birds that were whacked, and not some bratty-assed kids.

Day Ten

9:00 a.m. - The Magic Kingdom awaits. Lady friend changes her appearance to get into the park. Apparently they did not take her name down, so she gets in.

10:00 a.m. - The lady friend informs me that she is not riding anything with me that even appears to be dangerous. I assured her that Space Mountain was a kiddie ride and that she would be just fine.

10:15 a.m. - I'm now sporting a black eye and a big bruise across my right cheek. Lady friend is puking her guts up now, and apparently hates me. I leave her in the bathroom while I ride Space Mountain again.

3:00 p.m. The lady friend decides to be sneaky and breaks up several Alka-Seltzers and tosses them on the ground and walks casually away as the pelicans and gulls begin eating it. Plop plop, fizz KERPOW! Pelican parts and Gull guts spatter all over a group of Argentinian cheerleaders. A group vomit ensues. I see the lady friend hiding behind Mickey Mouse, laughing hysterically.

3:15 p.m. - The Lady friend is escorted out of the Magic Kingdom. I ride all of the rides I want thereafter.

10:00 p.m. - After dinner (a very quiet dinner, as the lady friend refuses to speak to me now), I get showered and into bed. The lady friend decides to go to the pool and sit. Five minutes later, she's pounding on the door, demanding to get in. I let her in and she tells me that she bought hair dye and dark glasses. She went into the bathroom blonde, and came out a brunette.

Day Eleven

10:00 a.m. - We head to Hollywood Studios. I want to ride the Aerosmith Rockin' Roller Coaster, but the lady friend refuses to even try it. I ride it alone... 6 times. Meanwhile, the lady friend is scoping out the native avian collection. She spots a group of gulls and a party of pelicans and tosses Alka-Seltzer their way, but doing so from behind a very large woman who hides her. The birds explode in a display seen only while watching fireworks. Bird parts fly onto several passersby, and the large woman is escorted away for Avian Assassination. One officer is overheard saying that there seems to be a rash of that in the park lately. Star Tours Rocked! I rode it seven times!

7:00 p.m. - After dinner, we return to the room. The lady friend is now plotting her next bird explosion. She is starting to remind me of Wile E. Coyote in the Roadrunner cartoons. She has an easel up, with detailed plans drawn on a large pad of paper. Where she obtained any of that is beyond me. All she needs is some Acme delivery and... Wait, there's a knock at the door.

7:05 p.m. An Acme representative delivered a case of super-exploding Alka-Seltzer. Oh geez! She is laughing maniacally.

Day Twelve

9:00 a.m. We checked out of the motel and took a bus to the last park.

10:00 a.m. - We are entering the Disney Animal Safari. There are birds everywhere. The lady friend had an evil look in her eyes. Something bad is gonna happen, I just know it!

10:30 a.m. - There are pieces of Alka-Seltzer being tossed into the protected areas where the birds are kept. Parrots, pelicans, gulls, and any other bird that happened to be nearby exploded by the hundreds. The entire park is shut down to clean up the bird parts. The lady friend pointed to some elderly man in a stroller and said, I saw him do it. The old man is forcibly taken into custody. The lady friend ran out of Alka-seltzer, and is rather bored now. I think it's time to leave before she decides to try something else.

12:00 p.m. - We are in the car and heading away from Disney. The lady friend, aside for laughing like a fiend, refuses to speak to me.

9:00 p.m. - We check into a motel in Monteagle, Tennessee. It's raining, and I'm exhausted. The lady friend wants to go get something to eat. KFC is what she is craving. After all of the senseless bird slaughter, she wants to now go for chickens! I may have to insist that she seeks professional help!

Day Thirteen

After a long drive, I left the lady friend at her house and returned to mine. Buzzardbait never looked better to me! Once home, I found nearly 2 weeks worth of junk mail, and a bill from ACME for $700 for Super-exploding Alka-Seltzer in the mailbox. I may have to take out a second mortgage!

Day Fourteen

Super Bowl Sunday. I'm exhausted, broke, and in pain. Otherwise, I had a pretty damned good vacation. But next vacation, I may have to do it alone!

The Curious Urinal - 1/14/2012

Zany Named Man Arrested Again!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme


A Madison, Wisconsin man, with a very unusual name, was jailed after police said he violated the conditions of his is bail from a previous run-in with the law.

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, 30, was charged with carrying a concealed weapon (a knife), possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana, and a probation violation after his arrest last Thursday. Last April,  police found a loaded handgun in his backpack.

Well, I know what you're thinking... What happened to this gentleman after the arrest?

Well, now it's time for the rest of the story...

During his time in jail, police questioned Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. After hours of questioning, he still wouldn't give up who put the Ram in Rama Dama Ding Dong.

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop was released on bail as posted by his wife Boom Shaka Boom Shaka Bow Wow.  
 
It seems that a family friend, Doo Wah Ditty Ditty Dum Ditty Doo, turned Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop in when he heard there was a reward for his capture on Shooby Doo Wop, the Top-40 AM station in Hanna Hanna Bo Hanna Banana Banna Bo Banna Fe Fi Fo Fanna Hanna, Wisconsin.

And now you know the rest of the story!

The Curious Urinal - Christmas Edition 12/23/2011

To everyone: I wish you a very Merry Christmas, a very Happy Hanukkah, and remember... There's just 363 more shopping days until the end of the world (according to the Mayan Calender). Just a reminder that we all need to run up our charge cards, forget the bills --- Kinda like Washington DC does --- and enjoy! Just sayin'!


And now, for something completely different...

The Naughty Night Before Christmas

(By Anonymous)

'Twas the night before Xmas and all through the house
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse
Grandma and Grandpa were out like a light
Two winos in the alley were having a fight
Ma, home from the cat house, and me out of jail
Had just crawled into bed for a nice piece of tail
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter


Away to the window I flew like a flash
Slipped on a rubber and fell on my ass
The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow
Gave a whorehouse-like luster to the objects below


When what to my blood shot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer
With a little old driver a scratchin' his balls
I knew in a moment, it must be Santa Clause


Slower than snails his reindeer they came
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name
"Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the walls
Hurry up, dammit, or I'll cut out your balls."


Then up to the roof he stumbled and fell
And came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
He staggered and stomped and went to the door
And tracked reindeer shit all over the floor.

He tossed out some goodies under the tree
He lit up a smoke and looked 'round at me
He shook his head and coughed in a fit
Saying, "I'm getting too old for this shit!"

Then up the chimney he went in a flash
Back up on the roof, he fell on his ass
Back in his sled, he called to the reindeer
"Come on, dammit, let's get the hell outta here!" 
And I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight:
"Merry Christmas to all, damn, what a night!"


This will be the last Curious Urinal edition for 2011.
We'll be going on hiatus until January, 2012.

Merry Christmas, and

Happy New Year

from

The Curious Urinal!

The Curious Urinal - Friday 12/16/11

Cucumbers Too Sexy for Women?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Leave it to those crazy Muslim clerics to come up with yet another stupid idea!

An Islamic cleric living in Europe has reportedly warned Muslim women not to get too close to bananas, cucumbers or other produce -- to avoid having “sexual thoughts.”

The unnamed cleric, whose directive was featured in an article in a religious publication, said that if women wanted to eat these foods, a third party  (preferably a male, such as their father or husband) should cut the items into small pieces before serving.

Carrots and zucchini also were added to the alleged cleric's list of forbidden foods for women.

With this in mind, the obvious question is this: If Muslim women cannot shop for vegetables because it may spark sexual desire, then what if men get turned on cantaloupes or other melons? Should the women choose those and cut them up in little pieces before serving?

This is exactly why the Muslim world still parties like is 799 B.C.

In Other News:

With Christmas quickly approaching, we at The Curious Urinal have been asked by the Mayor and the City Council to make the following statement on their behalf.

Dear citizens, and others in Ammo County,

 We are asking that whoever is stealing the Christmas trees and decorations placed in front of the courthouse to please stop. We are tired of running to WallyWorld every other day to replace the items you idiots are stealing!

Also, to the non-believers currently living in Ammo County, just because you don't believe in Christ or God, and wish to force your beliefs down the throats of everyone else, doesn't mean that everyone else wishes to hear about it! Keep your opinions to yourself and we'll all get along just fine!

We here in Ammo County are carrying on a tradition--- decorating for the Christmas season--- that was started long before you were ever thought of, and will be continued long after your sorry carcasses have deteriorated to worm food. If you don't like how we do things in Ammo County, you do have the option to move your worthless arses to Lousyville!

There will be no Atheists banners placed on county property, saying that religion is a myth, and Christ wasn't our Savior. And it will not be mixed into the traditional holiday fare just because you want to ruin Christmas for everyone.

Just because you don't believe in Heaven, Hell, God, or any other deity, doesn't mean that the vast majority of Ammo County residents agrees with you. In fact, considering the complaints we are receiving from other residents, most of the City Council have decided to take a vote to condemn your homes, and turn the properties into parking lots!  You may petition the City Council all you wish, but you will not ruin Christmas for everyone else! We hope Santa Clause puts lumps of dog doo in your non-traditional holiday stockings, and sets it ablaze!

If you don't believe, fine! The rest of us do, and we outnumber you 1000-1! So, if you wish to continue bugging the City Council about placing your banners on county property, then we will be forced to come to your house and plaster religious materials all over your property. See if you like it then!

Furthermore, if we catch the idiot that spray painted the side of the police department's office, you will be in plenty of trouble! Graffiti is a crime in Ammo County! If you want to display your artwork, buy a canvass and place it on there. You will truly suffer for your art when you are spending the next 10 years in prison for defacing public property.

Also, it has come to our attention that the County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closeoff, is on vacation over the holiday season. So, would the woman calling his office, saying that she is having his love child, kindly refrain from calling until after the first of the year when Mr. Closeoff will be back in his office, and can answer his own phone!

And finally, seeing how the Occupy Buzzardbait protesters (all four of them) are using the restroom at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, Big Dick is asking that the protesters please flush the toilets after usage! The smell of piles of unflushed fecal matter is overpowering the staff and patrons of the restaurant. Big Dick is allowing you to use those facilities to keep you from standing in front of his restaurant. If you keep using the restrooms and not flushing, then Big Dick is going to stick you with the clean-up bill, and fumigation charges.

Sincerely, the Mayor of Buzzardbait, the County Judge of Ammo County, and the City Council.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by the following advertiser:

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The Curious Urinal - Friday 12/9/2011

9 Year Old Suspended For Sexual Harassment
By Staff Reporter Willie Whacks

A 9-year-old boy Buzzardbait boy was suspended for calling a teacher “cute,” WBZZTV.com reports.The boy’s mother said the principal of Buzzardbait Elementary called her after the incident to say the comment was a form of “sexual harassment.”

"It's not like he went up to the teacher and tried to grope her." the mother, who wishes to remain anonymous, but whose name is Candy Leatherthong, said. "So why would he be suspended for two days? He called the woman cute, not cun... Well, I think this is just stupid!”

According to the station, Anita Realjobb, the new principal of Buzzardbait Elementary, said she could not go into detail, but said the boy was suspended for "inappropriate behavior" after making "inappropriate statements" to the teacher. The teacher, feminist nutjob Anne Polelicker, who up until a week ago was the Buzzardbait Elementary principal before being demoted for stupidity, declined to be interviewed, but said in a statement: This little boy is an example of why men are dogs and why I prefer the company of women!

The boy, Little Billy Leatherthong, stated to reporters, "I just said she was cute. I didn't know she was a dyke! It's a good thing I didn't call her a bitch!"


And in Other News

Company Party 101

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

So, this time of year offers up holiday cheer in the form of office parties all over the nation. We here at The Curious Urinal want to help you with some do's and don't's at the Christmas Office Party.

The invitation may say "party," but that doesn’t mean you should act like a wild, naked savage, especially with upper-level managers present. Employees should enjoy the party, but nor act like a drunken sot in front of the bosses.

So, before you hit the dance floor and try your hand at break dancing, or drink too many beers and vomit on your bosses shoes, here are some helpful tips for what employees should and should not do at this year's holiday office party:

DON'T: Skip the party. Dress your ass up and go, no matter if you hate company functions. That means that even if you don’t like your colleagues or bosses, because they are a bunch of sniveling dogs, you still need to show up.

DO: Decide if you will drink ahead of time. If you decide to drink, don't overdo it. One or two beers or a mixed drink is far better than sucking the keg dry and passing the hat for a beer run.

DON'T: Over consume…anything. Whether its food, alcohol or people, make sure you are enjoying every aspect of the party in moderation. While you may love the shrimp cocktail or the Jack Daniels, stuffing your pockets with food for later, or grabbing the bottle from the bartender and chucking a fifth down and belching loudly isn't going to win you any raises the following year.
In other words, don't graze the buffet line or bar!

DO: Make proper introductions. If you are bringing a date or spouse to the holiday party, be sure you are properly introducing him or her to your bosses and colleagues. Don't say, this here's my main squeeze, or this is my bitch for the night. And ladies, don't introduce you date or husband as the sperm donor for your kids. That might not sound good to the boss.

DON'T: Talk gossip, politics or religion. No matter who you are talking to at the party, keep conversation light. Staying away from hot-button issues is a must, and be sure to steer clear of office gossip. Also, don't talk about your 'roids, your goiter, your dry socket, or the size of your scrot!

DO: Put away your phone. A holiday party gathering is no place to be sexting, playing Angry Birds, or having a conversation about the assholes you work with while in their company.

DON'T: Try to take pictures up the skirts of your female colleagues, especially if their husbands are present. This tends to stop parties dead in their tracks, as  fist fights ensue.

DO: Say thank you. Thank your bosses for the party, even if you hate their guts and wish they would burn in hell for all eternity. Also tip the wait staff as they are working hard for the money.

DON'T: Place a wait staff's tip under a upturned glass of water. Even if they messed-up your dinner order, that is no reason to act like a jerk and flip them off as you leave the party.

DO: Dress appropriately. Dress in a conservative manner. It's not a time to dress like a hooker and shake your booty. A nice suit or dress is far better than a halter top and Daisy Dukes.


We hope these tips help you during the holiday season.


This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

The Curious Urinal - Friday 12/2/2011

Talk About a Potty Mouth!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Have you bought the new 'Play and Giggle Doll,' which are sold exclusively at Toys B Like Us stores? Well, they are causing concern with some customers, who say the doll can be heard emitting a phrase that apparently contains a curse word.

Customers who were shown the baby doll at the Buzzardbait Toys B Like Us had mixed reactions on what the doll in question was saying.

"I think it said 'how you doing, witch?'' one female shopper said.

'It sounded like 'how you doing, bitch?' to me!'" another lady said.

Then the doll said, "Play with me, asshole!"

"Did that doll just call me an asshole?" The first woman asked.

"Yes, asshole, it did!" The other woman said.

Then the fight was on. As the women fought in the parking lot, the doll began chanting, "Bash the bitches head in, asshole!"

I put the doll down and began walking away quickly.

The doll said, "Come back here, you woosy!"

I later returned to the store and purchased the latest 'Tickle Me Again Elmer' doll. The latest version of the beloved Tickle Me Elmer line apparently says, "Tickle me one more time and I'll bitch slap your little pansy ass!"

"I think that's just so adorable!" A woman replied. "I wish I had that one!"

Another shopper said, "The last one was so annoying, I used it as a dog toy. My neighbors dog really loved it."

"So that's why my dog died! You killed it!"

Then the fight was on. Elmer began chanting, "Kill em! Kill em all!" And laughed in a maniacal tone. Horns began sprouting from its fuzzy head, and I dropped it and began running away quickly.

Elmer said, "Come back here, you woosy!"


Reporters note: Needless to say, two fights later, I'm giving out gift cards for Christmas this year!


And in Other Local News:

Have you ever walk by a Hooters and thought, "This place is just cheap thrills for men. Why do men want to waste so much time in there?" Well, here in Buzzardbait, people are wondering the same thing -- only this time, it's women who are flocking to a Hooters-style restaurant catering to those who like men.

Peckers opened up its doors last week, and is already a hit with the local women.

Anita Mann, local real estate agent, spent about $200 on the house specialty, Chicken Thingies, and a pitcher of Schitts Beer. "This place is a dream come true for women! Scantly clad men, all muscled-up, and shiny with oil, serving up the food and drink with a smile, and a Speedo!"

And just like the Hooters staff, these waiters use their charm (and good looks) to garner tips and marriage proposals. 

But local feminist, and grade school teacher, Donita Mann (Anita's Sister) disagrees with the entire spectacle. "If they really think that I'm going to spend a dime in this place, they must be crazy!" She abruptly left her sister with the check ($200 plus tip) and drove away. But Anita didn't mind at all. "See that stud over there, Raul? He's taking me all the way... Home... Later." She giggled and blushed.

And even the men can enjoy this place. Dougie Dume (pronounced do-me) said, "Oh, this place is fabulous! I just love the food, and the atmosphere is just so dreamy. Hi Raul!" Dougie smiled. "He's such a flirt!"

So if you're in Buzzardbait, drop by Peckers and see what the buzz is all about.

Peckers is located at Fifth and Main in Downtown Buzzardbait, across the street from Erma's Massage Parlor and Enema Emporium.


This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Next time your kids ask, "Hey Mom... What's for breakfast?"

How about you saying, "A big honking bowl of Monkey Nuts!"

Monkey Nuts Cereal...

Taste as great as its name!

The Curious Urinal - 11/24/2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

Note: The staff and management of The Curious Urinal are off today, enjoying the holiday with their families--- feeding their faces (stuffing their bellies with turkey, and all manners of foods and spirits, all the while watching parades and football on TV)--- the janitor will be working to make sure that this Special Edition gets published.

Since this is a Special Thanksgiving Edition of The Curious Urinal, we'd like to tell you the Real Story of how Thanksgiving was first celebrated.

The First Thanksgiving (Revised Edition)


It was the last Thursday in November when a bunch of Pilgrims came together and decided to have a feast.

But before I tell you that part of the story, I should talk about what led up to that particular day.

History tells us that the Pilgrims landed upon Plymouth Rock and they nearly starved until some Indians (Native Americans since Political Correctness came along) saved their collective bacon. And in thanks for the Indians help, the Pilgrims prepared a big feast for them.

But the mostly true and untold story is this:

It was a cold day in the spring when the Mayflower came ambling along and, in a fog, crash landed against this big rock that jutted up from the shoreline. On that rock was scrawled some strange writing, that was translated much later by some Indians.

When the Pilgrims crossed the Atlantic Ocean and arrived in the New World, they had no money, no food, and hardly enough brains between them to figure out how to read a map. Had they read the map correctly, they would have arrived in Sunny Florida near Miami. But Captain John Q. Public of the Mayflower was laying drunk below deck when the miscalculation occurred. The pilot of the ship at that hour, Biff Rongway, was holding the poorly drawn map upside down, and steered the ship north instead of south.

Rongway crash landed the ship into the big rock and everyone aboard, with exception of Captain Public, came out of their cabins expecting sunny weather and a nice hotel room awaiting them. Things weren’t looking good at that point. So, the Pilgrims decided that since the boat was now taking on water, they would abandon it and hope to find shelter around them. All they found was desolation. The vast forest was unsuitable for much of anything except for beavers and the occasional mountain lion that came along and ate someone.

The summer wasn’t much better for the Pilgrims. They wandered aimlessly, foraging for berries and wild game. They had stiff competition from bears, and the mountain lions as well. Pretty soon, nearly half of the Pilgrims were dead and the other half wanting refunds for the ill-fated cruise they had undertaken.

Captain John Q. Public, who was now out of booze, and hardly accommodating to anyone, decided that he would take charge of the situation and go find a gas station somewhere close by so that they could get someone to come repair the ship. He was never heard from again… For at least three days. When he returned, he brought with him several Indians that began helping these new people to hunt and fish and skin mountain lions and bears for food, and to make coats for the harsh winters they would have to endure.

And one of the Indians, Sitting Duck, translated the scrawling on the big rock that the ship has crashed into. It read:

Caution - Big rock… Don’t run into.

And below the warning was another message:

Looking for parts for a ’53 Plymouth. Send smoke signals to Soggy Beaver.

And thus, it became known as Plymouth Rock.

Meanwhile, as the Pilgrims learned to adapt to their new found surroundings, Haji Hockalugi opened up the world’s first convenience store. It was called 5/9. But since he liked to sleep in, he changed the hours to 7/11.

And thanks to the Indians, the Pilgrims survived the next winter much easier than their first one. The Indians had shown them how to build a fire.

So, that next fall, after the first harvests of corn, beans, lemon beets and tobacco-flavored cumquats, the Pilgrims decided to have a feast. It was the last Thursday in November. Soggy Beaver had acquired the parts he needed for the ‘53 Plymouth, so he and a bunch of his Indian friends drove to the encampment to eat with the Pilgrims, seeing that the 7/11 was closed due to lack of Slurpee ingredients... Well, that and Haji Hockalugi overslept again.

On the way, they ran over a wild turkey and stopped to pick it up, bringing it to the feast. And it was a good thing, since fishing had not been good that day. So, the bird was dropped into a vat of grease and was served with the rest of the harvest.

Thus, the turkey (regardless if it was road kill or not) was established as the meat of choice on Thanksgiving Day.

And that is the true story of Thanksgiving… Well, all except for the parts that you’ve never heard before.

Have a safe and

Happy Thanksgiving

from The Curious Urinal.

The Curious Urinal - 11/18/2011

Researchers Find What Women Want From Men!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

For countless years, eons even, there has been but one eternal question that has haunted mankind: What makes a woman happy? Well, after years of painstaking research, the scientists of The University of Buzzardbait have finally found the answer.

After interviewing 100 local women, and cross-referencing their findings, a team of researchers came up with the following results. And they may surprise you!

Believe it or not, it's the little things that make women happy.


Time: Of all the things women want, it's the time with their spouse that makes them the happiest. The  majority of women interviewed say that getting 30 minutes of uninterrupted time with their husbands each day is what they desire. No more, no less. One woman interviewed stated, "When me an my old man have sex, it's 20 minutes of him drooling over my boobs, three minutes of actual sex, and seven minutes of him talking about what a stud he is. After that, he's snoring like a buzz saw and I pull out my trusty dildo and make myself happy!"

Appreciation: It seems that women want to be appreciated by their mates. Nearly 60% of all women said that they felt under-appreciated by their husbands. The other 40% could care less, since they are having affairs with Raul, the pool boy, down at the Buzzardbait Y.

Understanding:  Women want their men to understand them. One woman who was interviewed said, "Men don’t have a clue! We pour our hearts out and they stare at the TV, watching Football, Nascar, or Roller Derby. They have no clue that we've had bad days, and want to talk incessantly about our feelings! The men don't listen! They suck! I just don't understand them!"

Fun: Of the interviewed women, nearly 75 % stated that there is no fun in their relationships. One woman pointed out, "Would it be too hard for a man to want to take me out for dinner, a movie, and maybe some shopping at the mall? But no! They want to hope in the sack, get their jollies, and I have to listen to them bitch about their jobs, their lives, and about seeing their buddies down at Big Al's Titty Emporium."

Job/Money: It is too much to ask that a man actually has a job, earns a paycheck, and then bring that money home to their awaiting wives? According to a majority in the interviews, that is a concern. One woman spoke out, saying, "If he has a job, a car, and maybe a nice life, I want to be a part of that. Then I can change him into a little sniveling little jellyfish, make him want to work overtime to keep from coming home, so he'll make more money for me to spend!"

Also, there was research involved about what men want. After interviewing 100 men, the conclusion the Buzzardbait University researchers found was unanimous:

Boobs and Beer! And not necessarily in that order.

This Edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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The Curious Urinal  11/11/2011

It's Veterans Day!

Today is Veterans Day. Yesterday, November 10th, was the Marine Corps 236th birthday. Happy belated birthday, Marine Corp... Semper Fi!

And THANK YOU to all of the vets out there that have served this country with your lives, your fortunes, and your sacred honor! You are very much appreciated!


And now, without further ado... It's time for:

Letters to the Editor

From time to time, we here at The Curious Urinal like to open the old mail bag to see what our readers are thinking. Here are just a few:

Dear Editor,
WTF? Your recently posted an article on a Buzzardbait man with a scrotum that weighs 150 pounds. In the story, you say the man must be half nuts. So, if he's 300 pounds, with a 150 pound scrotum, then he could be considered half nuts. You posted that he was 150 pounds before the accident and now has doubled his weight due to the enlarged scrotum... Wait, I'm sorry, you were right. He would be half nuts!

Herbert Cypher, Mathematics Teacher, Buzzardbait High School.

Dear Mr. Cypher,
We're glad you figured it out. Best of luck with teaching math to your students.


Dear Curious Urinal,
Recently, you ran an article about Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries getting a divorce. Can you tell me if the future Ms. Kardashian would like to go out with a successful blues musician for fun and sex. I can bring the Dingleberry Wine, and she can bring those big ol' floppers of hers and we could have us a party. If so, can you forward my address and phone number to her so that we can hook up.

Milo Days, Buzzardbait, KY

Hey Milo. Unfortunately, we do not have a direct line of communications with Ms. Kardashian, but we're sure that if you were to call her agent, maybe they can get you two crazy kids hooked up.


Hey Editor,
You ran a story about the teacher that wants to ban holidays. What's up with that?

I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights

Hello there, I.M.
Well, Anne Polelicker is the principal at Buzzardbait Elementary School. And yes, she wishes to ban celebrating Thanksgiving, Halloween and other holidays. Polelicker, originally from California, is a worrisome woman who scares us. With people like that teaching our children, the more we need to worry about our children growing up to be mind-numbed robots that are easily led into banning Football, Basketball and Full-contact Bowling.

And Finally,


Dear Curious Urinal,
I simply love your site! It makes me laugh when I'm feeling blue, and make me forget about all of the problems I have. In fact, I get excited every time I read your stuff. Keep up the great work so I can keep it up too!
Dixie Wrecked, Coldtower, KY

Dear Dixie,
Thanks for the compliment. And we hope you keep it up for a long time!


This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by -

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The Curious Urinal - 11/4/2011

Kim Ditching Kris Causes Chaos!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Okay, so the headline is a bit misleading, but the aftermath of the story that follows could have ramifications that cause the earth to tilt sideways, and dogs and cats to eat the Occupy Wall Street crowd... Wait, maybe that would be a good thing!

Just ten short weeks ago, there was a lavish $10 million dollar, made-for-TV wedding that took place. And less than a month after the wedding aired on TV, reality starlet-wannabe Kim Kardashian is divorcing NBA player Kris Humphries.

The "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" star filed for divorce Monday, citing irreconcilable differences. "I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision," she said in a statement. "I had hoped this marriage was forever but sometimes things don't work out as planned. Besides, he sucks in bed and snores louder than I do!"

Kardashian, 31, and Humphries, 26, were married Aug. 20 in a star-studded, black-tie ceremony at an exclusive estate in California. They were lavished with expensive gifts, many of which came from some of the most exclusive stores on Rodeo Drive. "She plans on selling them on Ebay," says an insider in the Karsashian camp.

Kris Humphries, speaking to a celebrity news site, said he was "devastated" to learn his bride had filed for divorce and is "willing to do whatever it takes to make it work." He added, "I might even let my teammates take turns with her if it will make her happy!"

Kim Kardashian and Humphries began dating late last year and announced their engagement in May. He proposed on bended knee with a 20.5-carat ring by spelling out "Will you marry me?" in rose petals.

Karsashian sent papers to Humphries saying, "I want a divorce!" scrawled in crayons.

But the short marriage is hardly a record. There are a few other short-lived marriages vying for that title. Here are just a few:

Dennis Hopper and Michelle Phillips comes to mind. Mr. Hopper was already notorious for his often rocky relationships with women (he was married five times). Among those unions: One with Michelle Phillips, which lasted only two weeks.

Then there was Elizabeth Taylor and Nicky Hilton. In 1950, at the tender age of 18 years old, Elizabeth Taylor married hotel heir Conrad "Nicky" Hilton. It was the first and shortest of her eight marriages. It only lasted nine months.

Of course, there was Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. "And to think, they said it wouldn't last," said Jackson as he planted an very unconvincing kiss on his new bride at the 1994 VMA Awards. Their sham of a marriage lasted 20 months.

And who could forget the Drew Barrymore and Tom Green union? The "Charlie's Angels" star wed Green in July 2001; Green filed for divorce five months later. It was the second short marriage for Barrymore, who was wed to bartender Jeremy Thomas for six weeks in 1994. She obviously had marriage ADHD.

Oh, least we forget the Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander marriage.
Britney Spears stunned her fans with her impulsive Vegas marriage to her childhood friend, Alexander, in Jan. 2004. The union was annulled after 55 hours. The sex must have not been so great.

And right here in Buzzardbait, a possible record was set when Dorthy Bumhumper married her next door neighbor, Howard "Bumpy" Bushwhacker, at the Poon Point Trailer Park, after a whirlwind 15-minute romance. After a brief 8-minute honeymoon in the back of a 1969 Chevy Van, Bumhumper filed for an immediate divorce from Bushwhacker.

Ain't love grand?

And in Space News:

YU55 Set To Barely Miss Earth

First the Space Shuttle is scraped, then the Moon Mission is placed on ice, now another space disaster is coming our way.  On November 8th, a massive ball of rock and chemicals named 2005 YU55 will pass within 202,000 miles of Earth.

In this NASA photo above, you can see the asteroid heading to earth. Or, it could be a grainy photo of Bruce Willis' head, shot from behind, in a dark room.

The large, aircraft carrier-sized mass of rock and ice will be clearly visible from the surface, as it will look like a large Roman Candle passing between the Earth and Moon. Or perhaps like a ball of blubber on fire... Or maybe a huge mass of ear wax that someone shot from a straw and sprayed lighter fluid on and lit it with a butane lighter. I think you get the point.

Scientists are fairly certain that YU55 doesn't pose much risk to Earth, for at  least the next 100 years anyway.  The next time a large asteroid will pass by the planet will be in 2028. That one, said a noted scientist, who wishes to remain anonymous, says that particular asteroid will be the size of Manhattan Island, have the mass of Michael Moore, and slam into the Earth at 600,000 miles an hour... Maybe?

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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The Curious Urinal - 10/28/2011

LOCAL MAN HAS BIZARRE
MEDICAL CONDITION
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

A Buzzardbait man has a rare condition. His scrotum has swollen to more than 150 pounds.

Won Hung Lo, born in China, moved to America when he was a small boy with his parents. His parents died in a tragic blender accident, leaving Won to grow up in the Buzzardbait Home for Unwanted Children. Upon leaving the home at age 18, Won Hung Lo went to work in the kitchen of Sven Jorgensen's Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet as a sushi chef/busboy.

With his love of food and the tutelage of Sven Jorgensen, Won Hung Lo became a highly respected member of the community.

But all of that changed overnight.

After a tragic accident involving a walk-in freezer door, Won Hung Lo developed a problem that has kept him indoors and away from work for going on two years.

The 150 pound Lo doubled his weight overnight. His scrotum had swollen to 150 pounds and looked like a sack of watermelons that dangled between his legs.

Since Won Hung Lo will not allow himself to be seen in public in this condition, The Curious Urinal decided to call upon the poor man on the phone.

He explained that while attempting to close the freezer door at the restaurant, he inadvertently closed the door on his testicles, causing him extreme pain.

When I asked him how he was handling his self-imposed exile from the outside world, he stated, "It makes me a little crazy!"

Whereas I replied, "I bet your half nuts!"

Won Hung Lo needs $1,000,000 to have an operation to reduce the size of his scrotum, and the plastic surgery to make him appear normal again.

Donations are being accepted at Sven Jorgensen's Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet for the Won Hung Lo Swollen Scrotum Fund.


In Music News

For those of you that love show tunes,

Zombie Pizzeria - The Musical

has released a greatest Hits CD

Set in an Italian Pizzeria in post-apocalyptic New York, Zombie Pizzeria - The Musical looks at life, and the afterlife, with humor, song, and a heaping helping of Pepperoni, Brains and Blood!

This Classic Broadway Musical was cut short by the economy (and lack of interest), but the fantastic music can now be yours on CD.

Who could forget these timeless classics?

Circle of Afterlife  (To the tune of Circle of Life)
Zombies Ate My Neighbors (To the tune of Gemme 3 Steps)
I Should Have Ate Their Brains (To the tune of I Should Have Danced All Night)
Zombies Keep Gnawing on My Head (To the tune of Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head)
That's a Zombie (To the tune of That's Amore)
And the show stopper -
Everybody Runs From Zombies Sometime (To the tune of Everybody Loves Sombody Sometime)

These classic musical numbers can be yours from Buzzardbait Records Ltd.
Just send $9.99 plus $5 Shipping and Handling to:

Zombie Pizzeria - The Musical
1234 Way Up on the 2nd Floor
Buzzardbait, KY

Please wait for 6-8 weeks for delivery

This Edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Tres Equis

Buzzardbait Brewing Company - Buzzardbait, KY

And finally

It's here!

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Movies are parodied in
one book.
Catch it on Kindle
at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_8?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=starr+warped&sprefix=Starr+Wa