The Curious Urinal - Friday 8/24/2012

SPECIAL EVENING EDITION

It Can Only Happen in California?
Courtesy of KBZZ TV 13 (we're on your side... Unless someone else is winning, then we're on their side).

From Oceanside, CA, California Humane Society officials are trying to discover who duct-taped a bunch of balloons to a turtle, releasing it into the smoggy skies.

Wewik Wong--- a reporter for our sister station KBZZ--- said she and her neighbors found the turtle taped to the green and blue balloons caught atop a eucalyptus tree in Oceanside on Sunday.

Wewik Wong, finding her wok, said that she and her neighbors were going to have some turtle sushi, and stir-fried bean sprouts. But another neighbor, Iva Ruineditforeverybody, said she called the Humane Society and Fire Department. After waiting an hour, the fire department arrived, caught in heavy traffic and stopping several times for bathroom breaks, because somebody had to wee wee a bit too much (we're not naming names or anything, but Curtis Urinatesalot is his name), arrived about an hour later.

When the firefighters were about to rescue the turtle with a ladder truck, a gust of wind came and blew the poor turtle to the ground. Then a semi came through and ran the turtle over, crushing it into the asphalt.

Humane Society officials scraped the remains of the turtle up and buried it in the tomb of the unknown turtle, east of L.A.

Wewik Wong says she was horrified by the animal abuse and plans to have a big old bowl of turtle soup in honor of the fallen tortoise

Holy Copycows!
By staff reporter, Kitty Stroker

In the 'It Can Only Happen in Buzzardbait' Department:

Several children here in Buzzardbait decided to attach helium balloons to Bessie the Cow out at old McLeary's Farm in Poon Point.

The children, conducting an experiment during their science class at Buzzardbait Elementary School, thought it would be interesting to see if the balloons would actually lift a cow. The teacher, Sue-Mi Dippwadd, decided to allow her third grade class (ranging in age from 8-17) to duct tape 3,000 helium balloons to the underside of the cow, causing it to rise into the air and travel 14 miles before being caught in the high voltage wires that hang over County Road 13. The cow, floating over Buzzardbait second busiest road, began dropping cow patties upon County Road 13, causing several accidents as cars slid in the cow poo upon the road.

Along with the various charges the teacher will be facing in court, the fifteen children will be facing charges of animal abuse, attempted murder of a farm animal, misuse of duct tape for scientific studies, and not contacting the FAA to get permission to fly a cow.

The court case is set for November. Each child faces a mandatory 15 years in prison, and the teacher could face up to three years probation.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Willie Turd was a genius when it came to food.

He could make a hamburger like nobody had ever seen.

When Willie died, John McPooper decided to carry on his fine tradition.

 

And so, the Turd Burger lives on!

The taste?

Like John McPooper always says,

"Until you've eaten a Turd Burger, you ain't eat shit!"

Grab one today at

McPoopers Family Restaurant and Enema Emporium

On the Corner of 5th and Main

Buzzardbait, KY

John McPooper

Owners

A Special Edition of The Curious Urinal
Friday, August 10, 2012

Kentucky Ranks 3rd in Latest Livability Poll

Buzzardbait Ranks High in State Poll

By Staff Reporter Willie Maket.

In the latest Livability Poll, Kentucky ranks as the third worst state to live in, just behind Mississippi and West Virginia. This is an improvement over last year, when we were Number 2 on the list. Kentucky Governor, Steve Bedsheer, said proudly, "We ain't smellin' like number two anymore!"

Being third. Kentucky holds the distinction of having some of the poorest people in the nation. Some of the poor are so poor that they have nothing but the clothes on their backs, and they are tattered.

But then, if you break down the worst parts of the state, Louisville, or as we locals call it, Lousyville, is the worst. With the crime, filth, and other charms of a small city that thinks it's a big city, Lousyville is the worst of the worst in Kentucky.

But Buzzardbait ranks as second best city in Kentucky, just behind Monkey's Eyebrow.

Buzzardbait has the least unemployment in the state. With a paltry .02% unemployment, Buzzardbait is the best place to live in Kentucky. "The only person that doesn't have a job in Buzzardbait is Mick, the homeless guy." Says Oliver Clothsoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner. "Sometimes he comes out to collect aluminum cans and sells them for wine money, but otherwise he doesn't turn his hand for much of anything. But as for the rest of Buzzardbait, hell, those people usually have two jobs... Just to stay out of trouble."

While it's true that most of Buzzardbait is considered rural, with farmers growing Tobacco-flavored Cumquats and Lemon Beets, the rest are hard-working people that have businesses that cater to every need that the local population needs. There's no reason to ever leave Buzzardbait, unless its to go to Hooter Heights to visit Big Al's Titty Emporium. If the churches wouldn't raise such a fuss, Big Al said he'd open a club in Buzzardbait too.

So, here's the breakdown for those of you who are interested.

 Kentucky Ranks # 3 in the nation as the worst place to live.
> Future livability score: 36.7
> Full-time employment: 16th worst
> Job creation index: 23rd best
> Outlook on life in five years: 20th worst

Kentucky’s median household income of $40,062 is the fourth lowest of all states and about $10,000 less than the median income across the United States. The state also has the fourth-highest percentage of people below the poverty line and people on food stamps/SNAP benefits. It is not surprising that the state has the eighth-lowest score on the economic confidence index. Kentuckians health is also poor. The state has the second-highest rate of smokers, with an estimated 29% reporting smoking in 2011, the seventh-highest obesity rate and the 10th lowest rate of people who say they have visited the dentist in the past year. Kentucky ranks fourth from the bottom in ease of finding a safe place to exercise.

Kentucky's only smoking health club is in Buzzardbait. The newly opened Harry's House of Health brags about it's weight machines, stationary bikes, full-time yoga instructor, and its bar and smoking room. Harry says that he liked the idea of going to work out, then having a beer and a cigarette thereafter, so he opened the ultimate health spa. So far, three people have joined, but Harry's not depressed about it. "Most folks around here don't know what a health spa is, so it may take some time to get their attention. Meanwhile, I've got my day gig as a doctor."

Yes, Harry is Dr. Harry Hands, the local proctologist.


This Special Edition of The Curios Urinal has been brought to you by:

DUCKWIZZ - The All-Natural Water

If it's not Duckwizz, it's not all-natural!

The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/29/2012 The Curious Urinal Interview: Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen By Publisher Dewaine Shoulders Okay, let's cut to the chase... I had to fire all the the reporters due to deep budget cuts. It seems that the reporters have bled me dry. Juan Motyme logged over $57,000 in bar tabs at Big Al's Titty Emporium, all billed to The CU. And then he went on a drunken motorcycle ride, running his Harley through the law office of  Findem, Suem, and Skrewem, the local Buzzardbait Lawyers. Now, they are suing me for damages!  Then, Willie Whanker billed me for prostitutes and Swedish Massages totalling $37,500. That's on top of nearly $20,000 that somehow got misplaced when he decided to do some shopping for the office. And our newest reporter, Anita Mann, decided to run off with some Moonies she met at the airport. She was on her way to Maui, costing $12,500 in airfare, plus the hotel room. Well, now that has ballooned to $43,357.19. That's including room service, that she charged with her new Moonie friends, all billed to The Curious Urinal. I'm still wondering how she ended up with the company credit card????? In short, The CU is bankrupt! Nevertheless, I have one last paper to run, so I went to Texas on Monday, June 18th, to meet with two of Hollywood's most controversial stars, Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen, who are appearing in a movie together. So, being the last one in the building, I decided to make sure that the last regular edition of The CU went out with a bang. So, here is THE INTERVIEW of the Century! Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen CU: Thank you for sitting down with me today guys. MG: Hey, no problem. CS: I'm always happy to talk about me. (Laughter) CU: Is the rumor true... MG: Oh sh*t, not another question about the phone calls? CU: No, I want to ask you about the Robert Rodrigeuz film, Machete Kills, and the fact that the two of you are working together in it. CS: Mel, no one wants to talk about your breakdown. Hell, I would rather talk about mine anyway. MG: Why? Because you made an f**king ass of yourself? CS: (Laughter) Yeah! CU: What my reader will want to know... MG: Look Charlie, just because you ran around with a couple of bimbos and snorted coke like it was going out of style, and you lost your f**king mind, that doesn't mean you were winning. It meant you lost your marbles! CS: At least I wasn't sending threatening voice mails to people, calling them all kinds of nasty names and... MG: "F**k you! CU: Please, can we talk about the movie? MG: F**k the movie, you pathetic piece of sh*t! CS: Yeah, let's talk about the movie. I'm gonna play the president! MG: He's a piece of sh*t too! CU: Excuse me, but the reader want to... MG: F**k your readers! In fact, (Explicit language far too rude to be printed here). CS: Come on Mel, tell us how you really feel! CU: Could we please... MG: F**k both of you! (With that, Mel Gibson stands up, throws the chair across the room and leaves). CU: Is he always like this? CS: How the f**k should I know? He's a f**king headcase! Mel Gibson suddenly returns to the room. MG: I'm sorry... What's your name again? CU: Dewaine. MG: (Looking curiously at me) Is that a Jew name? CU: Not really. MG: You don't look Jewish, but you could be one of them Jews that don't look like a Jew. CU: I thought you got over that? MG: Got over what? CS: Oh sh*t, here we go. MG: Are you insinuating something? CU: No, I'm trying to do an interview here, but you're ranting like some out-of-control moron, throwing chairs and... MG: F**k you! (With that, Mel Gibson punches me in the nose and leaves the room again). (My nose is broken. Blood is running out of it, and I pull a handkerchief from my back pocket to stop the bleeding). CS: (Helping me off the floor) I knew it. I knew he was gonna do something like that! CU: That f**king hurt! My nose is broke! (My voice now sounds weird) CS: Be thankful he didn't... Oh sh*t, here he comes again. Mel Gibson re-enters the room. MG: And another thing, you piece of sh*t... I'm an actor. I play parts, and I get paid millions of dollars doing so. I don't need pieces of sh*t like you trying to insinuate that I'm a loose cannon! I'm an important man! I have millions of fans! CU: You have one less now! (My nose is swollen, and both of my eyes are puffed up to the point of being swollen shut). CS: Mel, why don't you just sit down, calm yourself, and we can do this interview. MG: (Picking up his chair and carrying it back over to sit down across from me). Okay, lets talk about the movie. CS: Finally. CU: Okay, now that the hostility is over... MG: What are you insinuating now? That I'm hostile? CU: No, I was just... Mel Gibson stands up, picks the chair up and bashes me over the head with it. I'm back on the floor, with blood oozing from the wound on my head. I'm dizzy to the point of passing out. MG: You sorry mother f**ker, I'll kick your (Again, Mel Gibson begins a verbal diatribe so foul that it can not be published in this family friendly paper). CS: I think he's down for the count, Mel! MG: (Looking around at Charlie Sheen) All I wanted to do was an interview. This asswipe couldn't ask one serious question about the movie or anything! What a piece of sh*t! CU: (Trying to sit up, I look up at Mel Gibson) Uh, excuse me, but I believe I did ask you about the movie. You chose to go off on me and... MG: What are you saying? CS: Sorry, dude, but you're on your own. I'm outta here! I'll see you back on the set, Mel. MG: Okay. CU: Wait! Could you at least call the police and have them send... CS: Sorry dude, I have a lunch date with a couple of girls. MG: You better call EMS, because I'm gonna beat the sh*t out of... What's your name again? CU: Dewaine, of The Curious Urinal. MG: (Looking down at me) What kind of name is that for a newspaper? I think you must be a Jew! CU: No, I'm not, but I do happen to like the Jewish people! MG: That figures! Mel Gibson kicked me in the ribs, and again walked out of the room. I laid there for several minutes before I decided to attempt to walk. The blood running from the wound atop my head, along with the blood from my broken nose, and two swollen eyes made me look like I had just gone 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. I never saw a police officer, nor did I care. I caught a cab to the airport and flew back home to Buzzardbait. So now, here I sit, fresh stitches in my head from the chair hitting it, my nose reset, my broken ribs taped, my ego bruised, and financially ruined to boot! I can say with all sincerity that no matter how damned good a Mel Gibson/Charlie Sheen movie might be, I'll NOT be seeing it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, this is it! The last Regular Edition of The Curious Urinal! Here's a brief history lesson: I started this little blog back on April 13th, 2010, in hopes to make you laugh and perhaps make you think a little. But like all good things, this humble little blog is coming to an end as a weekly feature. From 2010 until now, there are 160 postings. That's a lot of writing when you stop to think about it. When I started this blog, it was a daily enterprise (Mondays thru Fridays). As time went on, and time constraints made it impossible to continue a daily blog, I opted for an easier weekly edition. That made things a bit easier, but utterly impossible to keep up with at times. There are far too many things to compete with on the internet, and in life, and The CU was becoming harder and harder to put out as a weekly posting.  So, here I sit, writing these last few words, and I wonder... Did any of this matter to anyone in the grand scheme of things? Probably not. But there again, if I made you grin from time to time, then it was all worth it! But, even as I write this, I know that The Curious Urinal is not going away forever! From time to time, The Curious Urinal may make Special Editions to keep you apprised of Buzzardbait News, and any other news that's fit to print. Until then, I want to say thanks to all of my readers (all three of you) for your loyal support. Until we meet again... Sincerly, Dewaine (Publisher, Editor, Owner, President, and Vice President in charge of a lot of stuff).

The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/22/2012

Special Late Night Edition

Massive Solar Eruption Largest Ever?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

On March 7th, a massive flare exploded from the solar surface, unleashing the highest-energy light ever seen during a sun eruption, scientists say.
Our Mr. Sun let loose a massive solar flare, an X5.4, during its biggest outburst in 5 years, according to Dr. Banner of the Gamma Ray Center.

Of course, many are worried due to the massive output of Gamma rays, but Dr. Banner, pictured below, says there is no real concern that it will cause any undue effects here on Earth.

"The sun is usually not a very bright source in gamma rays," said Dr. Banner. "We don't detect the sun on a daily basis. Especially when it's night. On the other hand, on March 7, the sky looked completely different. It was bright, kinda like day, and it was freakin' awesome!"

And in Sporting News

Buzzardbait's AAAAAAAA baseball team, The Fighting Woodchucks, sound more like the Whining Woodchucks after the rest of their 2012 season was cancelled due to lack of interest.

Owner and coach, Gotum "Woody" Johnson, says that the remainder of the 2012 season has been cancelled due to the lack of fans at the games. "Last season, we sold at least 20 tickets per game, making just enough money on beer sales to pay the players. But this year, the players outnumber the fans 3 to 1!"

Perhaps it has something to do with the rise in beer prices from 25 cents to $4.50 that keeps the fans away.

One former fan lamented, "Last season, no matter how badly the Woodchucks played, you could count on cheap beer to get you through the game, but now they went and jacked the price up so high that people can't afford to get drunk while the team sucks on the field."

True, the Woodchucks have an 0 - 25 record, but it's not all their fault. Mostly the teams they have been playing are made up on very good players and most are younger too, which makes a difference. The last home game, the Dragons of Hooter Heights Elementary School clobbered the Woodchucks, 23-0, and that was the least scoring any team made against the Woodchucks all season. The highest scoring game, 117-1, was called due to darkness after the Poon Point Pandas scored the impressive 117 in the first inning.

So, the Woodchucks season will be shortened considerably this year, but undaunted, Coach Johnson says. "Maybe next year, we can get momentum going and draw the fans back to the park. Otherwise, I'm gonna lose my ass and have to find a real job!"

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

The Final Countdown continues - 2 Editions to go! 

The Curious Urinal - Saturday 6/16/2012

Special Saturday Edition

Area Business Owner Offers Help
By Staff Reporter Anita Mann

Local Business Owner, Hojo Hasses, Owner of Hojo's House of Imported Crapola No One Can Afford, is offering area businesses help. In this time of Recession, high unemployment, and a workforce that is less than stellar, Hojo Hasses says he can increase anyone's business and profit margins by following his 18 Step Method in sales.

Hojo Hasses began, "First, here are 6 General Rules to live by:"

1. Never Belittle the Customer!
He or she should never be called 'Scum-sucking morons!' Even though they may look that way to you. Most customers do not like this.

2. What is you Product Worth?
Do you think your product is worth the Gross National Product of Iceland? If so, don't take one penny less! Make the customer pay in cash, and tip you at least 25%!

3. Be Prepared to Answer Objections.
Even though you have dealt with every detail of your product, and why the customer should buy it, some people will find excuses not to buy.  The answer is simple: If they have any objections to buying your product, shoot them in their kneecaps and tell them, "Buy it, or I'll shoot off your balls!" This only works with male customers though.

4. Be Positive!
Don't be a wimp! If you have to get down on your knees and grovel for the sale, then you'll get dirty knees.

5. Never Apologize for the Price.
You should tell the customer, "You should be glad that I don't charge you double, you sniveling little dog!"

6. Is Price the Real Objection?
Or is it only the fact that you smell like a landfill, and your face looks like a rotten pizza? Regular bathing is fundamental!

Justifying Price

1. Your Product vs. Brand X
Is your product worth the outlandish price you expect them to pay? If not, sell it to them anyway and tell them to never return to your store again!

2. Construction
This needn't involve a bunch of fifty-cent words that no one knows, unless you just want to sound brilliant. But think about this: if you were brilliant, why are you in retail sales?


3. Selection
Do you have more than one item in your store? Yes? Then you can brag about the elephantine selection in which to choose from. If not, you might want to brag about the fact that the one item you sell is so perfect that you felt it unnecessary to sell anything else.

4. Fresh Merchandise
Is the product you sell new? Or is it a leftover from the Hoover Administration?  Let's hope you're not in the wholesale meat business!

5. Functional Value
Do you have the right product for the customers needs and dollars? If not, sell them something they can use. Like maybe a commemorative lemon rind decoration kit.

6. Is You Product Tough
Can you beat the hell out of your customer with it? Will it fall apart at high speeds? Will it break ten minutes after the customer purchases it? If so, you may need a celebrity spokesperson to sell it for you. Anything with a star athlete's name sells, and who cares if it's worth the money. One day it might be worth a dollar in a yard sale of flea market.

7. Take Pride in Your Product
If your selling abortion equipment, tell the customer that the product will not only terminate a pregnancy, but it can also make nice Julienne Fries!

8. Is Your Product Healthy For Your Customer?
Tell the customer that if they don't buy your product, then their health won't matter much, because the authorities will never find the body!

9. Better Materials
tell the customer that the product was made from the best materials known to mankind. Whether it was made of some kind of gooey leftovers from a nuclear waste dump or not, you sell only the best gooey leftovers from the nuclear wast dump... So there!

10. Quality
Tell the customer that your product will be around long after they are gone. If placed into a landfill, it will outlast  even the disposable diapers that will hang around for ten-thousand years.

11. Sell Reputation
Tell the customer that the company that manufactures your products has a reputation of firing its employees three days before retirement, and that they also have a reputation for using small animals and children in bizarre lab experiments and satanic rituals.

12. Guarantees
This is very important. Tell the customer that your product will stand the test of time. Only when they walk out of the door with the product will time expire!


And in Medical News:

Here's a message for all you men out there who thought you were healthy. Where once all you had to worry about were issues like Prostrate Cancer, jock itch and the occasional STD, now comes really bad news.

It's called MGDS, or Male Genitalia Denotative Syndrome.

This is when the penis swells up and then explodes (Talk about having a flaming orgasm). This new health scare comes to us men in the form of a virus, where the penile glandular system begins to become inflamed; then swelling into a massive, throbbing, semi-erect mass that, if left untreated, will split the skin and send man-meat flying.

If you have MGDS, do not touch your penis if you have been in contact with the following: Dust, dirt, grime, grease, stagnant water, cows, sheep (mainly all farm animals for sexual pleasure). Also, do not attempt to have contact with the following: Women, men, children, pets or any kind of farming machinery, heavy equipment, and the occasional cornhole game.

But there is a treatment already available.

You will need to be completely alone for the treatment. You will need the following items: Any kind of lotion (containing aloe) and moist towelettes.

Treatment is as follows: Apply a liberal portion of lotion onto the affected area and rub in a back and forth manner until a gooey discharge begins to spew forth. This process should be repeated several times a day until the infection is completely removed from the penis.

If left untreated, the virus will spread to other vital organs, like the testes, causing those organs to swell and explode as well. And it will be just as painful and permanently fatal.

Repeat treatment until such time that the swelling is gone and you feel the need for a nap.

So guys, I suggest you self-test to make sure you don't have MGDS. It only takes a few minutes, and this could result in a happy, healthy penis.

This Special Edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Penguin Balls

Another great product from

CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)

Buzzardbait, KY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Counting Down Until The End Of
The Curious Urinal
3

The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/8/2012

Idaho Bans Vodka Over Name
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

A few weeks ago, we reported on Alabama banning beer due to controversial naming of a certain brand. Now, it's Idaho's turn to ban a brand of Vodka. The vodka in question, Five Wives Vodka, apparently isn't welcomed in the state of Idaho. With a 25% Mormon population, stores operated by the state of Idaho will not be selling that particular brand, as it was deemed offensive, regulators said.

The mid-priced vodka is made by Ogden's Own Distillery in Utah, where the Mormon church is based. Its label carries the name and an image of five women, an  reference to polygamy, a practice abandoned by the church more than a century ago.

The Idaho State Liquor Division administrator, who wishes to remain anonymous, but is named Earl Troutface, said the brand is offensive to Mormons who make up over a quarter of Idaho's population.

But wait... Now it's getting interesting!

Idaho has reversed its decision to ban the 5 Wives Vodka, due in part to a lawsuit that was directed toward the states Alcohol Board for discrimination and First Amendment Rights violation. So now, Idaho will sell Five Wives Vodka.

But Idaho is banning the same beer that Alabama banned weeks ago, citing that the offensive names did not reflect their desire to keep the drunks in the state free from offensive names.

Alabama and Idaho have now banned Fat Bastard Beer, brewed in Michigan, from their store shelves, due to its name.

And, here at home, the powers that be in Ammo County have jumped on the bandwagon of banning certain beers and liquors due to their names.

The following beers can no longer be purchased in Ammo County:  Fat Whanker Lager, Smelly Bear Ass Beer, Old Piss Beer, Jock Strap Sqeezin's Beer, Floppy Titty Stout Ale, Bullsh*t Beer, Co**sucker Cream Ale, You Effing Bitch Beer, Gonad Sweat Stout, and our personal favorite, Eat Sh*t and Die Lite Beer.

These can no longer be sold in Buzzardbait, Hooter Heights, or any other county-approved retail outlet, bar, or restaurant. Also added to the list are imported favorites, Smelly Pus*y Beer, Fu*kin' Asshole Dark Ale, and my personal favorite, Bitch, Get Me a Beer Cream Ale."

However, Schitt's Beer is still available everywhere alcohol is sold, due to an agreement with Schitt's Brewery, made back in the early, late  mid-century, commonly know to the locals as the 20th Century.

Proponents of these popular beers are protesting the decision made by Ammo County leaders as both unwarranted, and uninformed.

A law suit, filed through the law firm of Findem, Suem, and Skrewem, based in Buzzardbait, hopes to resolve this issue as soon as possible.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Are you depressed?

Sick?

Tired?

Sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Are you looking to lose weight?

Get some much needed sleep?

Then Corpseidia  may be exactly what you're looking for.

Corpsedia - The All-Purpose Pill!

Caution: Corpsedia may not be right for you!

The following can and will happen while taking Corpsedia -

Slowed Heart Rate

Shortness of Breath

Anal Bleeding

Bleeding of the Eyeballs, Ear Canals and Nose

Hairy Tongue

Rapid Discharge of the Bowels

Complete and Sudden Death

Dry Mouth

Ask your doctor if Corpsedia is right for you.

Corpsedia is another product of CCCoA
(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)
Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/1/2012

Is The Zombie Apocalypse Upon Us?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Miami, Florida, the fun and sun capital of the world... And now apparently the home of honest to goodness zombies?

A naked man savagely bit the face and eyes of another man during an attack in Miami last weekend has been identified. Police sources told The Curious Urinal that the accused was 31-year-old Rudy Eugene.

According to his former wife, Eugene had a history of violence. The ex-wife, who was not named, said the pair had a short-lived marriage that lasted a year and a half.

"I wouldn't say he had [a] mental problem but he always felt like people was against him ... No one was for him, everyone was against him." She then added, "I knew there was trouble in the marriage when one morning I woke up and found him gnawing on my arm." Then she said, "A few days later, I woke up to discover that part of my leg had been eaten. But the last straw was when I woke up and he was nibbling on my earlobe. And my ear was in his hands. I said 'Gemme my ear back!' but he just growled and went on chewing. I hobbled out of bed and left his ass right then and there!" She left the marriage because Eugene had been violent, and apparently hungry, and she had not been in contact with him for the past three years. They filed for divorce in 2007.

Eugene was shot dead Saturday afternoon by police who arrived at the scene on the off-ramp of the MacArthur Causeway where he was seen taking bites out of another man's face.

As an officer drew his gun and called for an end to the attack, he "just stood ... with pieces of flesh in his mouth and he growled," an eyewitness  told The Curious Urinal.

According to the eyewitness, a cop fired one shot at Eugene, but he continued chewing, and going "mmmmmmm." The officer fired again and hit Eugene several more times before he was killed.

It remains unclear why the attacker pounced on his victim, who police theorized might have been homeless and laying down when the assault began.

Police told The Curious Urinal that they believe Eugene had likely overdosed on a new potent form of LSD.

"What's happening is whenever we see that a person has taken all of his clothes off and has become violent, it's indicative of this excited delirium that's caused by an overdose of drugs," said a police officer, who wished to remain anonymous for fear that the zombies would attack him next. "What's happening is inside their body their organs are burning up alive." The police officer added, "They begin craving human flesh, and think they're zombies. We just can't have that kind of thing here in Miami, especially during tourists season!"

The victim remains in critical condition at Jackson Memorial Hospital. Seventy-five to 80 percent of his face was reportedly missing.

We called the Buzzardbait Office for Zombie Apocalyptic Affairs to ask if they could comment on the case. They had no official comment, but did say, "We're keeping our guns loaded, just in case!"

In Other News
Teen solves 300-year-old mathematical riddle

By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

A 16-year-old German teen has become the first person to solve a mathematical problem posed by Sir Isaac Newton more than 300 years ago.

Shouryya Ray worked out how to calculate exactly the path of a projectile under gravity and subject to air resistance, The (London) Sunday Times reported.

The Indian-born teen said he solved the problem that had stumped mathematicians for centuries while working on a school project.
Ray won a research award for his efforts and has been labeled a genius by the German media.

Meanwhile, here in Buzzardbait, a 16 year old teen solved a complicated riddle that no one else had before. Butch 'Limpie' Dykerson discovered how many licks it took to get the the center of a Tootie Pop. After a week of licking the candy, he reached the center. In all, it took 16,203 licks to get to the center, a feat never before mastered. His prize will be a free Slurper from Haji's Quicky Mart and a dozen suckers from Cox's Candy Store.

When asked what he was most excited about getting, Butch replied, "I like Slurpers, but Cox Suckers are my favorite!"

In other news around the area

Local Blues Singer, Milo Days, will be appearing at the Strikes and Suds Bowling Lanes this weekend. His show, called The Milo Days Blues Revue, will be in the bowling alley's lounge. He will perform two shows per night. Tickets go on sale tomorrow. They will cost $10 each in advance, or $7.50 at the door on the days of the show.

Also, Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats will be performing at the Strikes and Suds the following weekend. Tickets will be given away by WBZZ Radio, 895 on you’re A.M. dial.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:














Looking for a bottled water that is All-Natural? Looking for a bottled water that has the great taste of the outdoors? Looking for a bottled water that tastes as good as it's name? Then look no further.


Try Duckwizz Bottled Water.
It's Natures Finest!

Bottled by Schitts Brewing Company, Buzzardbait, KY

WARNING:

Bottled from real lake water where duck frequent and often urinate.

The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/25/2012

SPECIAL MEMORIAL DAY EDITION

Memorial Day Weekend is Here -
Picnics and Parades on To Do Lists
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Buzzardbait is preparing for its big Memorial Day Weekend with a huge two block yard sale, a parade, and fireworks in the park.

First up - Poon Point residents are gearing up for their second annual Block Yard Sale, only this year there will be two blocks of crap for sale by residents desperate to get rid of their junk for rent money, gas money, and beer money for the weekend.

Secondly - Buzzardbaits' annual Memorial Day Parade, held on the Saturday before Memorial Day, always draws huge crowds. Last year set an attendance record, as 47 people lined Main Street to see the float, the Buzzardbait High Marching Band (all six of them), several horses and riders from the Hooter Heights Dude Ranch, and Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, who was the Master of Ceremonies. This year, there is supposed to be a surprise float entry, and maybe someone to clean-up the horse crap too!

Then, Saturday night, the big Buzzardbait fireworks display takes place at 9:30. This year, as opposed to last year, there will be almost $49 worth of fireworks used. Last year's paltry $15 display consisted of as handful of sparklers and one M-80. Promoters say this year will be the best fireworks display yet!

And finally, a big Thank You goes out to our men and women in uniform, who keep us free and fight for others to be free all around the world. Some gave all, all gave some, and we all should be grateful for their service to this nation!


President Narrowly Avoids Defeat in Primaries
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

It would seem that President Obama has some stiff competition in now Three Primaries as of late. First, two weeks ago, a convicted felon, Keith Judd, who is serving time in a Texas Federal Prison, took a large percentage of votes in West Virginia, earning 41 percent of the vote. Now, Arkansas and Kentucky have also been unkind to the president.

"Uncommitted" took a major share of the votes this past Tuesday in the  Kentucky Primary, and in the Arkansas primary, a lawyer from Tennessee took a large chunk of the votes. Is this a sign that the president is struggling in Southern states?

In the Arkansas primary, attorney John Wolfe Jr., took 42 percent of the vote, compared to 58 percent for Obama. Meanwhile, in Kentucky, 42 percent of registered Democrats voted "uncommitted," compared to 58 percent for the president, according to official results.

Is this a sign of weakness in the Democratic Party? Or perhaps voters are tired of what Washington DC has to offer? Either way, come November, the president may have to be calling 3 Dudes and a Pick-up Truck to begin the daunting task of moving his belongings out of the White House.

Want Ads

The following are actual want ads from The Curious Urinal.

Wanted: Ten well dressed and hard-working individuals for door to door sales. The last 10 people were not well dressed, nor hard-working. In fact, they really sucked at the job, causing us to lose business, making the jobs for the 10 people we do hire even harder. Long days of walking, talking, and carrying heavy boxes of goods will be in store for you. We do not want you to be hanging out with your friends, texting, drinking beer, or sleeping while you are working for us, like the last bunch of idiots did. Good pay for those who qualify. If you have applied here before and were not called, please do not apply again, as we didn't hire you for a reason. This a commission only sales job. You will not be paid for your job unless you sell something. So don't ask for gas money, bus fare, or an advance so you can go to the mall and buy some decent clothes.

Apply in person at: 
Richard Heads House of Unwanted Magazines            
5th and Main, Buzzardbait, KY
Between the hours of 10 and 10:15  a.m. on Mondays only.

We will not accept applications before or after this time, so don't ask. We get pretty sick and tired of telling people that we only take applications on Mondays between 10 and 10:15 a.m. If you can't read the sign that's clearly posted, then odds are you cannot read, or you're just too stupid to understand plain English! Geez, how hard is it for you people to understand the rules? Are you that freakin' stupid? If so, we don't want or need you to apply.
__________________________

Help, we're swamped!
Three Dudes and a Pick-up Truck is currently looking for at least 3 more people and at least one with another pick-up truck (or moving van) who have strong backs and knows when to keep their mouths shut. We just want you to move furniture, not display your speaking abilities. We pay weekly, unless we have a really bad month, then it could be monthly.
Apply at:
3 Dudes and a Pick-up Truck
on the corner of 5th and Main.
Buzzardbait, KY.

___________________________

Margie's House of Ill Repute is looking for 5 women to run their newest Cat House in Hooter Heights. No experience needed, will train. Located near Big Al's Titty Emporium, behind the Hooter Heights Truck Stop. Get paid to be on your back all day! Apply in person, no phone calls please.

Margie's House of Ill Repute
Where the customer comes first!

__________________________

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Next time your kids ask, "Hey Mom... What's for breakfast?"

How about you saying, "A big honking bowl of Monkey Nuts!"

Monkey Nuts Cereal...

Taste as great as its name!

Monkey Nuts Cereal is another great product from CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)

Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/18/2012

Fireworks Light up Buzzardbait
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Last night was just an ordinary night for Buzzardbait. Softball games in the park; walking the dog down the street; an explosion that created mayhem.

Buzzardbait Big Bang Fireworks and Bait Shop had just opened their tent to the public for the Memorial Day/Fourth of July fireworks buyers when the unthinkable happened. Sitting out in the furthest parking area near Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, Buzzardbait Big Band Fireworks and Bait Shop opened to much hoopla. Music filled the air as several shoppers were pulling up to see what the fireworks store had for sale.

But in an instant, chaos rained down from the sky.

Someone tossed a careless cigarette from their car window as they passed the tent. The wind caught it just right and carried it into the tent, where it came to rest on a table full of M-80's and Roman candles.

The resulting explosion rocked the area. neighbors a mile away reported feeling, then hearing the explosion. Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, reported that he was sitting at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand when the explosion took place. "Suddenly, the entire area lit up, and the noise was deafening. Stuff began falling from the sky. It was a mess!"

Owner Sid "Pyro" Mania reported that his entire inventory, estimated to be nearly $60,000 in fireworks, went up in smoke. Along with the fireworks being lost, over a thousand worms lost their lives in the blast. Mr. Mania has no plans to reopen his business.


Buzzardbait Library Offers Summer Reading Program
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Buzzardbait Library and Moose Lodge has listed several books for avid readers to enjoy this summer. The following is a partial list of those books:


Hare in my Mouth - By Adolph Oliver Busch : The story of a man, a woman, a rabbit, and a barn in the middle of a windstorm in 1890's Kansas.

Dutch Oven - By Ima Gaggen : The tale of two men discovering gas in 1850's Oklahoma.

On Golden River - By I.P. Freeley : Set in California during the Gold Rush years, our hero must cross a mighty river to reap his reward.

Antlers in the Treetops - By Whogoose D. Moose - A hunting trip turns into a nightmare for a group of friends in 1930's Alaska.

Fishing for Lung Oysters - By Hugo Hockaloogie - The tale of three fishermen in post Civil War Alabama.

Tales of The White Swallow - By Ima Cummins -  The tragic story of a little bird that fell from the sky, only to be crushed to death by an eighteen wheeler in post apocalyptic New Jersey.

Making Home Movies for Profit - By Peter Grippenhand - The autobiographical story of how a young director lost his mind, but finally managed to get a firm grasp on himself in Hollywood.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Remember kids - There's a toy surprise in each and every box of Monkey Nuts Cereal! This time, we have 25 different versions of real, fake, artificial, faux Monkey Poop.

Collect them all!

Monkey Nuts Cereal - Another fine product of CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)

Buzzardbait, KY.

The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/11/2012

By popular demand, we here at The Curious Urinal are proud (well, proud may not be the correct word to use here in this instance--- More like almost embarrassed, but forced to do this because of contractual concerns) to bring you...

PRODUCTS FROM
AROUND THE WORLD

Caution: The following products are from other parts of the world, and some of the names can be confused with Americam slang for bodily functions, slurs, ect. This is for humor only, and is not intended to rile you up, get your panties in a wad, and otherwise Pissing you off. If your skin is so thin that you can read a newspaper thru it in a dark room, then you may want to avoid this edition like the plague... Just saying. The Editor


In an age where so many products are loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives, there is only one product so full of natural ingredients that it’s hard to resist! It’s Fresh!













That’s right Fresh Cok Milk! Made from the finest Cok, Fresh Cok Milk is the answer to your organic dietary needs. Fresh Cok Milk is loaded with vitamins, all natural proteins and sugars that will keep your mouth happy! Fresh Cok Milk comes in quarts for your pleasure. Don’t jerk around...
Try Fresh Cok Milk today!

*****

Are you looking for a snack that's good for you?

Then you need to get some Megapussi! The bite-sized snacks that taste like chicken, but smells like tuna. They're wholesome, delicious and lip-licking good! It comes in a convenient box. Megapussi is the official snack food of The NBA, MLB, NFL and the Ladies PGA.
Megapussi... The name says it all!

*****

When Mr. Brain’s went to San Francisco and asked men what they wanted in a ready to eat meal, most men agreed....










They wanted two Pork Faggots! And Mr. Brain said, "Why have just two when you can have four!" Pork Faggots also come in a traditional Western sauce. It’s thick and creamy, with a hint of salt and sugar for a taste that everyone can swallow down! But what makes Pork Faggots absolutely fabulous is the sauce is whipped up daily, so it’s always fresh!
Pork Faggots... Try some for lunch or dinner, or even for a bedtime snack. Pork Faggots... They're not hard to find. Just bend over into the meat case and grab yourself some today!

*****

When you need a toilet paper that is strong, yet soft, look no further than
My Fannie!











The extra-wide toilet tissue for those big wipers. My Fannie feels so good! And in many decorator styles, My Fannie looks good too! Better than the ordinary wipes, My Fannie takes all you can dish out and still is ready for more. So next time you need something better than ordinary toilet paper, think of My Fannie! It wipes-out the rest!

*****

When your thirst just can’t be quenched by regular colas, there’s only one that taste as good as it looks.
               












Pee Cola... With no artificial colors or flavors, Pee Cola is the only logical choice. If you’re a whiz, then you already know that Pee Cola is bottled at the peak of freshness for that one-of-a-kind flavor. Its all natural taste is best when drank at room temperature. Hot Pee Cola is good for you, but Cold Pee Cola can hit the spot too! Don’t piss away your money on other carbonated drinks. Don’t piddle around with those other colas. Relieve yourself today... Have a Pee Cola!  It tastes as good as its name!

*****

Got a party tonight and need something that will keep it pumping? Or are you sitting around, watching a movie and need a snack that will keep you feeling good? Then you need to find some Happy Crak!









Happy Crak Popcorn will always be the hit of any party. There’s nothing like a Happy Crak to put a smile on your face, or the faces of all of your friends... Even if they get sloppy seconds. Happy Crak Popcorn comes in convenient 12-ounce bags. And there's no need to microwave it. Just work it in your hands and soon your Happy Crak is hot and ready! So pop a little Happy Crak in your mouth and let the party begin!

*****

There are beers, and then there's the beer that tastes as good as you’d expect from a Lager. A beer that will go down smooth and easy, and leaving a nice smile on your face. It may smell like the ass of a bear, but it taste goooood! And if you pour it right, you’ll get good head! What is it?














It’s Vergina Premium Lager. Vergina... Always tastes as good as it looks!

*****

After a hard day of exercising, wouldn’t it we nice to replenish those bodily fluids you lose? You don't want a sports drink that will dog you later? You want a sports drink that’s both all natural and completely free of wimpy names that try to make you feel important for drinking it? Then you need to try the latest product from Pet...










New Pet Sweat! Yes, Pet Sweat will quench that thirst like nothing else. Pet Sweat will replenish those lost fluids like nature intended. Don’t get into a lather after a bit of exertion. Don't settle for imitations; Drink Pet Sweat! The official drink of the ASPCA and PETA!

*****

There are toilet papers out there that claim to be soft, absorbent and good for the environment.

But no toilet tissue even comes close to our Pillow-soft, 100% recycled - ShitBegone!
ShitBegone...The name say’s it all!

*****

Royco presents the next generation of Japanese cuisine.













When you need to fix it fast and hot and you need it now, there is only one choice to make... New and Improved Shito Mix! Made with the finest Shit and O! You'll have a big Shito-eating Grin... Again and again. Shito Mix, made with all natural ingredients, including corn chunks.
Shito Mix... Now you can tell everyone to eat Shito!

*****

And finally,

There are times when you need an insect repellent, and other times when you need a great lubricant. Now, you can have both!






Announcing New Wack-Off! It’s Tropical Strength! Used by the Armed Forces when out in the remote jungles, Wack-Off provides you with a proven insect repellent during the day, and doubles as a great lubricant for those lonely nights hanging out in the jungle.
Wack-Off... Wrap your hands around some today!

This Edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Dingleberry Wine

Dingleberry Wine comes in four great flavors: Cherry, Blueberry, Flaming Berry and Chocolate Fudge! When you think wine, think Dingleberry Wine! The wine of the non-discriminatory drinker. And at a price any wino can afford! Dingleberry Wine... Squeezed from only the freshest Dingleberries picked daily from our factory in Buzzardbait, KY. Remember, if it's ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt! Dingleberry Wine Inc. Buzzardbait, KY.

Disclaimer:

The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after three or four bottles. Also, the aftertaste of Dingleberry Wine had been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass! Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following. Aspartame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenylketonurics, Small undigested pieces of meat, Wads of used toilet tissue, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and Flavoring.

The consumption of Dingleberry Wine can be hazardous to you health.

The following can and probably will occur. Blurred vision, Erratic behavior, Memory loss, Hallucinations, Projectile vomiting, Explosive diarrhea, Loss of motor functions, Convulsions, Complete and sudden death, Blood in the stool, on the couch and the recliner, along with a trail wherever you've walked, and Hairy Tongue Syndrome.

Not to mention a real shitty taste in your mouth after drinking.

Never drink or drive - unless you just really have to do it, in which case, call your local hospital to have an ER standing by on your behalf.
Remember drink responsibly and never, ever, no matter what anyone else tells you, stop drinking Dingleberry Wine!

The Curious Urinal -  Friday 5/4/2012

Bin Laden's Journal Revealed
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Just about a year ago to the day, Osama (Usama) Bin Laden was gunned down by Seal Team Six (YEAH!). Now, newly released documents reveal what was going on inside the mind of the terrorist mastermind.

These documents, obtained from Bin Laden's compound, reveal that the former Al Qaeda leader was unsure of the terror network's affiliate groups and his ability to control them.

But further reading details what else held the attention of America's Most Wanted in the days and weeks before his death. The 17 documents  (totaling about 175 pages in Arabic) range in dates from September 2006 to April 2011. The following are but a sample of his thoughts:

"I am deeply troubled by terrorist attacks carried out by regional jihadist groups that caused Muslim civilian casualties. No Muslim should fall victim except when it is absolutely necessary,"

"We shall avoid carrying out attacks in Islamic countries except for the countries that fell under invasion and direct occupation."

"I need to talk to Nike about my Air Usama idea!"

"Gilligan's Island cracks me up. Little buddy could be a terrorist bomber if he had the right training. And Ginger and Mary Ann would look good in Burqa's."

"My Rice Crispies are not as talkative as normal. I think they're plotting against me!"

"Death to America... Unless George Lucas will release a new Star Wars Trilogy."

"I hate Camel Chips. Even with salsa, they taste like shit!"

"My feet are killing me! I should invest in some hiking boots instead of these stupid sandals."

"Wheel of Fortune comes on at the same time as my favorite Soap Opera - One Life to Martyr. I suppose I need to buy a VCR."

"If I find out which wife dipped my beard in the Yak pudding while I slept, I'll cut her head off with a butter knife!"

"Gorgonzola cheese cannot disguise the taste of goat. I have to stop kissing the goat when I have sex with it!"

"I cannot stand American Idol. If Randy Jackson says "Dawg" one more time, I'll puke!"

"I really wish I had something else to eat besides these damned cans of three year old Spam."

"Hold on, I think I heard someone at the door..."

That was the last entry, aside for some brain matter and hunks of skull on the pages.


In Local News

Local Business Closes Soon After Opening
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

It was a business plan like no other. These two men had years of experience and the know-how to get the business up and running.

Marty Gross and Phillip Rancid had the perfect idea when they decided to go into business together. One had spent years as a master butcher and the other had years of experience in the produce business. They decided to open their business during a recession because people have to eat, and they would have the lowest prices in town to make sure that the people would want to shop with them. Both knew that nothing could go wrong.

Their gimmick was simple - one half of the store would house the largest selection of fresh vegetables anywhere, and the other half would be the biggest butcher shop in the country.

So, having put together their marketing plan, they secured a $1,000,000 loan to build a new store. They stocked it with their meats and vegetables, and then they opened their store, spending every last dime they had to make it the biggest thing ever to take place in Buzzardbait.

But there was just one small problem. Once the business opened, no one came to shop.

Rancid Meats and Gross Vegetables was a wonderful idea that failed to catch on in Buzzardbait, and no one knows why.



This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:


Hey Guys... When you're out there making the big play to make the winning score, or that big presentation that will get that promotion you've been waiting for, you don't want your deodorant to give out. You need a deodorant that will hang in there and keep that bad BO from ruining your chances. And you want your deodorant to chase away the unwanted odors that chase away the ladies.

Then you need Skank-Off!

Shank-Off is the deodorant that attracts the attractive ladies,

and at the same time runs off the ugly ones.

And isn't that what you really want in a deodorant?

And Skank-Off comes in three scents:

He-man, I'm Rich, and Hung like a Horse!

So when you need a deodorant that can do the job, don't go after the wimpy deodorants. Reach for Skank-Off... The real man's deodorant!

Another fine product from CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Cooperation of America)

Buzzardbait, Ky

The Curious Urinal - Friday 4/27/2010
Afternoon Edition
Local Nightspot Celebrates
Buzzardbait Days
By New Staff Reporter Harry Greasydik

Well, it's that time of year again. Wednesday night was a special night at  Big Al's Titty Emporium. All of the usual dignitatries from all over Ammo County were in attendance to celebrate the Anniversary of Buzzardbait's founding.

The crowd was enthusiastic as the celebration spilled outside Big Al's Lap Dance Shed at the Titty Emporium. Among the activities this year was Corn Hole, Bobbing for Condoms, and a Deep-fried Twinkie Eating Contest.











Most of Ammo County was in attendence for the celebration. Many of the Buzzardbait Chamber of Commerce refused to attend though, as they were protesting the celebration being held at Big Al's place yet again. Most of the Chamber of Commerce wanted to celebrate the party at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, but County Judge Clyde Forkem said that Big Al's Titty Emporium had always held the party, since they had the biggest beer cooler in all of Ammo County.

A few of the attendees were retrospective about the event. Take Oliver Closeoff. He said in his annual speech, "Two-hundred and some odd years ago, this town was nothing more than a shithole. Now, it's the epicenter of big business and modern living! We're livin' large now!"













Oliver Closeoff, The Ammo County Road Commisioner,
is seen enjoying himself during the festivities.










One of Big Al's dancers, Candy Glitterlick said, "This is about as much fun as this past New Year's Party. I must have given at least fifty lap dances that night. I'm over halfway there now! My ass is gonna be sore tomorrow!"








County Judge, Clyde Forkem, took a break
from the fun to take an important call.


The highlite of the evening was when Blues Legend, and spokesman for Dingleberry Wine, Milo Days, stepped up to the microphone and began belting out an unrelenting rendition of 'I got the Big-Breastedest Woman Blues!'










Blues Legend Milo Days
When it was all said and done, the celebration was enjoyed by the packed house at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Even Big Al himself had to say, "This was a lot more fun than last year when half the girls had a bad case of crabs. We took a hit in the lap dance derby that night, I can tell you. But this year looks to be a banner year!"

The Curious Urinal - Friday 4/20/2012

SPECIAL AFTERNOON EDITION

Buzzardbait Bans Beers From Store Shelves -Many Are Miffed
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Alabama has banned a certain beer from their store shelves because of a dirty word. Fat Bastard Beer, brewed in Michigan, has been banned in Alabama stores that are allowed to sell liquor or beer (and there are precious few that do).

Not to be outdone, Buzzardbait, and all of Ammo County, has decided that there are certain beers that cannot be sold in any grocery or liquor store, and also any bars or restaurants, due to their perceived bad names.

For example, Fat Whanker Lager cannot be sold anywhere in the county, nor can Smelly Bear Ass Beer. In fact, the following beers: Old Piss Beer, Jock Strap Sqeezin's Beer, Floppy Titty Stout Ale, Bullsh*t Beer, Co**sucker Beer, You Effing Bitch Beer, and our personal favorite, Eat Sh*t and Die Lite Beer, cannot be sold in Buzzardbait, Hooter Heights, or any other county-approved retail outlet, bar or restaurant.

Big Al of Big Al's Titty Emporium, who sells these and other "Normal-named" beers, has protested the decision, stating: "Discriminating against certain beers because of their names is akin to racism, homophobia, and downright ignorance from a bunch of freeloaders in the county seat who want to keep the local residents from enjoying any of these wonderful brews. If you're afraid of the names of the beers, then what about Schitts Beer? Why can you sell Schitts and not Piss Beer?"

Good question... So we sought answers.

Irvin Schitts, who died many years ago, was unavailable for comment, but Ho Lee Schitts, his great-grandson who now runs the Schitts Brewery, said, "I was raised in China. There, we had many odd names for beers, most of which cannot be translated in English because they may come across as offensive to certain politicians and wussies! We were thinking of importing a few of these beers to the area, but now I think we will be unable to import such wonderful ales as Smelly Pus*y Beer, Fu*kin' Asshole Dark Ale, or my personal favorite, Bitch, Get Me a Beer Cream Ale."

Even some people in county government thinks the decision stinks. Take Oliver Closeoff... He says, "One of my favorite beers is called Fu*k Off Premium Stout. When you say Fu*k Off, you've said it all!" He added, "Hey, if these pansy-assed politicians can't run the county, then why are they trying to run liquor sales? I think they all suck!"

So, beers like Dog Wizz Lite, Old Sweat Socks Beer, and Cream of Sum Yung Gui Winter White Beer with Protein can be sold, but Rotten, Lousy Son of a Bitch Beer cannot be sold anywhere in Ammo County, thanks to our forward-thinking politicians.

Let's all remember that the First Amendment rights to free speech are under assault by these so-called leaders, and if I can't buy Fu*k You Mother Fu*ker Beer, then my rights have been violated!

Viva the First Amendment!

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

BIG DICK'S
HOT DOG STAND

Serving

The Big Dick

7 Days a Week

 

The

Big Dick

is a freshly-cooked

quarter pound hot dog,

smothered in cheese, onions,

and served on a steamed bun,

with a big honkin' dill pickle.

The Big Dick

Special is a

Big Dick

Hot Dog,

Served with

Fries and

a drink

For $5.99.

And don't

forget to

grab a

Big Dick

Tee Shirt

while supplies last!!!

They make a great gift

for someone special in your life!

The shirt says: I wanna Big Dick

Hot Dog!!!    How About you?

Corner of Main and 5th

Beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait