The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/29/2012 The Curious Urinal Interview: Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen By Publisher Dewaine Shoulders Okay, let's cut to the chase... I had to fire all the the reporters due to deep budget cuts. It seems that the reporters have bled me dry. Juan Motyme logged over $57,000 in bar tabs at Big Al's Titty Emporium, all billed to The CU. And then he went on a drunken motorcycle ride, running his Harley through the law office of  Findem, Suem, and Skrewem, the local Buzzardbait Lawyers. Now, they are suing me for damages!  Then, Willie Whanker billed me for prostitutes and Swedish Massages totalling $37,500. That's on top of nearly $20,000 that somehow got misplaced when he decided to do some shopping for the office. And our newest reporter, Anita Mann, decided to run off with some Moonies she met at the airport. She was on her way to Maui, costing $12,500 in airfare, plus the hotel room. Well, now that has ballooned to $43,357.19. That's including room service, that she charged with her new Moonie friends, all billed to The Curious Urinal. I'm still wondering how she ended up with the company credit card????? In short, The CU is bankrupt! Nevertheless, I have one last paper to run, so I went to Texas on Monday, June 18th, to meet with two of Hollywood's most controversial stars, Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen, who are appearing in a movie together. So, being the last one in the building, I decided to make sure that the last regular edition of The CU went out with a bang. So, here is THE INTERVIEW of the Century! Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen CU: Thank you for sitting down with me today guys. MG: Hey, no problem. CS: I'm always happy to talk about me. (Laughter) CU: Is the rumor true... MG: Oh sh*t, not another question about the phone calls? CU: No, I want to ask you about the Robert Rodrigeuz film, Machete Kills, and the fact that the two of you are working together in it. CS: Mel, no one wants to talk about your breakdown. Hell, I would rather talk about mine anyway. MG: Why? Because you made an f**king ass of yourself? CS: (Laughter) Yeah! CU: What my reader will want to know... MG: Look Charlie, just because you ran around with a couple of bimbos and snorted coke like it was going out of style, and you lost your f**king mind, that doesn't mean you were winning. It meant you lost your marbles! CS: At least I wasn't sending threatening voice mails to people, calling them all kinds of nasty names and... MG: "F**k you! CU: Please, can we talk about the movie? MG: F**k the movie, you pathetic piece of sh*t! CS: Yeah, let's talk about the movie. I'm gonna play the president! MG: He's a piece of sh*t too! CU: Excuse me, but the reader want to... MG: F**k your readers! In fact, (Explicit language far too rude to be printed here). CS: Come on Mel, tell us how you really feel! CU: Could we please... MG: F**k both of you! (With that, Mel Gibson stands up, throws the chair across the room and leaves). CU: Is he always like this? CS: How the f**k should I know? He's a f**king headcase! Mel Gibson suddenly returns to the room. MG: I'm sorry... What's your name again? CU: Dewaine. MG: (Looking curiously at me) Is that a Jew name? CU: Not really. MG: You don't look Jewish, but you could be one of them Jews that don't look like a Jew. CU: I thought you got over that? MG: Got over what? CS: Oh sh*t, here we go. MG: Are you insinuating something? CU: No, I'm trying to do an interview here, but you're ranting like some out-of-control moron, throwing chairs and... MG: F**k you! (With that, Mel Gibson punches me in the nose and leaves the room again). (My nose is broken. Blood is running out of it, and I pull a handkerchief from my back pocket to stop the bleeding). CS: (Helping me off the floor) I knew it. I knew he was gonna do something like that! CU: That f**king hurt! My nose is broke! (My voice now sounds weird) CS: Be thankful he didn't... Oh sh*t, here he comes again. Mel Gibson re-enters the room. MG: And another thing, you piece of sh*t... I'm an actor. I play parts, and I get paid millions of dollars doing so. I don't need pieces of sh*t like you trying to insinuate that I'm a loose cannon! I'm an important man! I have millions of fans! CU: You have one less now! (My nose is swollen, and both of my eyes are puffed up to the point of being swollen shut). CS: Mel, why don't you just sit down, calm yourself, and we can do this interview. MG: (Picking up his chair and carrying it back over to sit down across from me). Okay, lets talk about the movie. CS: Finally. CU: Okay, now that the hostility is over... MG: What are you insinuating now? That I'm hostile? CU: No, I was just... Mel Gibson stands up, picks the chair up and bashes me over the head with it. I'm back on the floor, with blood oozing from the wound on my head. I'm dizzy to the point of passing out. MG: You sorry mother f**ker, I'll kick your (Again, Mel Gibson begins a verbal diatribe so foul that it can not be published in this family friendly paper). CS: I think he's down for the count, Mel! MG: (Looking around at Charlie Sheen) All I wanted to do was an interview. This asswipe couldn't ask one serious question about the movie or anything! What a piece of sh*t! CU: (Trying to sit up, I look up at Mel Gibson) Uh, excuse me, but I believe I did ask you about the movie. You chose to go off on me and... MG: What are you saying? CS: Sorry, dude, but you're on your own. I'm outta here! I'll see you back on the set, Mel. MG: Okay. CU: Wait! Could you at least call the police and have them send... CS: Sorry dude, I have a lunch date with a couple of girls. MG: You better call EMS, because I'm gonna beat the sh*t out of... What's your name again? CU: Dewaine, of The Curious Urinal. MG: (Looking down at me) What kind of name is that for a newspaper? I think you must be a Jew! CU: No, I'm not, but I do happen to like the Jewish people! MG: That figures! Mel Gibson kicked me in the ribs, and again walked out of the room. I laid there for several minutes before I decided to attempt to walk. The blood running from the wound atop my head, along with the blood from my broken nose, and two swollen eyes made me look like I had just gone 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. I never saw a police officer, nor did I care. I caught a cab to the airport and flew back home to Buzzardbait. So now, here I sit, fresh stitches in my head from the chair hitting it, my nose reset, my broken ribs taped, my ego bruised, and financially ruined to boot! I can say with all sincerity that no matter how damned good a Mel Gibson/Charlie Sheen movie might be, I'll NOT be seeing it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, this is it! The last Regular Edition of The Curious Urinal! Here's a brief history lesson: I started this little blog back on April 13th, 2010, in hopes to make you laugh and perhaps make you think a little. But like all good things, this humble little blog is coming to an end as a weekly feature. From 2010 until now, there are 160 postings. That's a lot of writing when you stop to think about it. When I started this blog, it was a daily enterprise (Mondays thru Fridays). As time went on, and time constraints made it impossible to continue a daily blog, I opted for an easier weekly edition. That made things a bit easier, but utterly impossible to keep up with at times. There are far too many things to compete with on the internet, and in life, and The CU was becoming harder and harder to put out as a weekly posting.  So, here I sit, writing these last few words, and I wonder... Did any of this matter to anyone in the grand scheme of things? Probably not. But there again, if I made you grin from time to time, then it was all worth it! But, even as I write this, I know that The Curious Urinal is not going away forever! From time to time, The Curious Urinal may make Special Editions to keep you apprised of Buzzardbait News, and any other news that's fit to print. Until then, I want to say thanks to all of my readers (all three of you) for your loyal support. Until we meet again... Sincerly, Dewaine (Publisher, Editor, Owner, President, and Vice President in charge of a lot of stuff).