The Curious Urinal  11/11/2011

It's Veterans Day!

Today is Veterans Day. Yesterday, November 10th, was the Marine Corps 236th birthday. Happy belated birthday, Marine Corp... Semper Fi!

And THANK YOU to all of the vets out there that have served this country with your lives, your fortunes, and your sacred honor! You are very much appreciated!


And now, without further ado... It's time for:

Letters to the Editor

From time to time, we here at The Curious Urinal like to open the old mail bag to see what our readers are thinking. Here are just a few:

Dear Editor,
WTF? Your recently posted an article on a Buzzardbait man with a scrotum that weighs 150 pounds. In the story, you say the man must be half nuts. So, if he's 300 pounds, with a 150 pound scrotum, then he could be considered half nuts. You posted that he was 150 pounds before the accident and now has doubled his weight due to the enlarged scrotum... Wait, I'm sorry, you were right. He would be half nuts!

Herbert Cypher, Mathematics Teacher, Buzzardbait High School.

Dear Mr. Cypher,
We're glad you figured it out. Best of luck with teaching math to your students.


Dear Curious Urinal,
Recently, you ran an article about Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries getting a divorce. Can you tell me if the future Ms. Kardashian would like to go out with a successful blues musician for fun and sex. I can bring the Dingleberry Wine, and she can bring those big ol' floppers of hers and we could have us a party. If so, can you forward my address and phone number to her so that we can hook up.

Milo Days, Buzzardbait, KY

Hey Milo. Unfortunately, we do not have a direct line of communications with Ms. Kardashian, but we're sure that if you were to call her agent, maybe they can get you two crazy kids hooked up.


Hey Editor,
You ran a story about the teacher that wants to ban holidays. What's up with that?

I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights

Hello there, I.M.
Well, Anne Polelicker is the principal at Buzzardbait Elementary School. And yes, she wishes to ban celebrating Thanksgiving, Halloween and other holidays. Polelicker, originally from California, is a worrisome woman who scares us. With people like that teaching our children, the more we need to worry about our children growing up to be mind-numbed robots that are easily led into banning Football, Basketball and Full-contact Bowling.

And Finally,


Dear Curious Urinal,
I simply love your site! It makes me laugh when I'm feeling blue, and make me forget about all of the problems I have. In fact, I get excited every time I read your stuff. Keep up the great work so I can keep it up too!
Dixie Wrecked, Coldtower, KY

Dear Dixie,
Thanks for the compliment. And we hope you keep it up for a long time!


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The Curious Urinal - 11/4/2011

Kim Ditching Kris Causes Chaos!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Okay, so the headline is a bit misleading, but the aftermath of the story that follows could have ramifications that cause the earth to tilt sideways, and dogs and cats to eat the Occupy Wall Street crowd... Wait, maybe that would be a good thing!

Just ten short weeks ago, there was a lavish $10 million dollar, made-for-TV wedding that took place. And less than a month after the wedding aired on TV, reality starlet-wannabe Kim Kardashian is divorcing NBA player Kris Humphries.

The "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" star filed for divorce Monday, citing irreconcilable differences. "I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision," she said in a statement. "I had hoped this marriage was forever but sometimes things don't work out as planned. Besides, he sucks in bed and snores louder than I do!"

Kardashian, 31, and Humphries, 26, were married Aug. 20 in a star-studded, black-tie ceremony at an exclusive estate in California. They were lavished with expensive gifts, many of which came from some of the most exclusive stores on Rodeo Drive. "She plans on selling them on Ebay," says an insider in the Karsashian camp.

Kris Humphries, speaking to a celebrity news site, said he was "devastated" to learn his bride had filed for divorce and is "willing to do whatever it takes to make it work." He added, "I might even let my teammates take turns with her if it will make her happy!"

Kim Kardashian and Humphries began dating late last year and announced their engagement in May. He proposed on bended knee with a 20.5-carat ring by spelling out "Will you marry me?" in rose petals.

Karsashian sent papers to Humphries saying, "I want a divorce!" scrawled in crayons.

But the short marriage is hardly a record. There are a few other short-lived marriages vying for that title. Here are just a few:

Dennis Hopper and Michelle Phillips comes to mind. Mr. Hopper was already notorious for his often rocky relationships with women (he was married five times). Among those unions: One with Michelle Phillips, which lasted only two weeks.

Then there was Elizabeth Taylor and Nicky Hilton. In 1950, at the tender age of 18 years old, Elizabeth Taylor married hotel heir Conrad "Nicky" Hilton. It was the first and shortest of her eight marriages. It only lasted nine months.

Of course, there was Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. "And to think, they said it wouldn't last," said Jackson as he planted an very unconvincing kiss on his new bride at the 1994 VMA Awards. Their sham of a marriage lasted 20 months.

And who could forget the Drew Barrymore and Tom Green union? The "Charlie's Angels" star wed Green in July 2001; Green filed for divorce five months later. It was the second short marriage for Barrymore, who was wed to bartender Jeremy Thomas for six weeks in 1994. She obviously had marriage ADHD.

Oh, least we forget the Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander marriage.
Britney Spears stunned her fans with her impulsive Vegas marriage to her childhood friend, Alexander, in Jan. 2004. The union was annulled after 55 hours. The sex must have not been so great.

And right here in Buzzardbait, a possible record was set when Dorthy Bumhumper married her next door neighbor, Howard "Bumpy" Bushwhacker, at the Poon Point Trailer Park, after a whirlwind 15-minute romance. After a brief 8-minute honeymoon in the back of a 1969 Chevy Van, Bumhumper filed for an immediate divorce from Bushwhacker.

Ain't love grand?

And in Space News:

YU55 Set To Barely Miss Earth

First the Space Shuttle is scraped, then the Moon Mission is placed on ice, now another space disaster is coming our way.  On November 8th, a massive ball of rock and chemicals named 2005 YU55 will pass within 202,000 miles of Earth.

In this NASA photo above, you can see the asteroid heading to earth. Or, it could be a grainy photo of Bruce Willis' head, shot from behind, in a dark room.

The large, aircraft carrier-sized mass of rock and ice will be clearly visible from the surface, as it will look like a large Roman Candle passing between the Earth and Moon. Or perhaps like a ball of blubber on fire... Or maybe a huge mass of ear wax that someone shot from a straw and sprayed lighter fluid on and lit it with a butane lighter. I think you get the point.

Scientists are fairly certain that YU55 doesn't pose much risk to Earth, for at  least the next 100 years anyway.  The next time a large asteroid will pass by the planet will be in 2028. That one, said a noted scientist, who wishes to remain anonymous, says that particular asteroid will be the size of Manhattan Island, have the mass of Michael Moore, and slam into the Earth at 600,000 miles an hour... Maybe?

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The Curious Urinal - 10/28/2011

LOCAL MAN HAS BIZARRE
MEDICAL CONDITION
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

A Buzzardbait man has a rare condition. His scrotum has swollen to more than 150 pounds.

Won Hung Lo, born in China, moved to America when he was a small boy with his parents. His parents died in a tragic blender accident, leaving Won to grow up in the Buzzardbait Home for Unwanted Children. Upon leaving the home at age 18, Won Hung Lo went to work in the kitchen of Sven Jorgensen's Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet as a sushi chef/busboy.

With his love of food and the tutelage of Sven Jorgensen, Won Hung Lo became a highly respected member of the community.

But all of that changed overnight.

After a tragic accident involving a walk-in freezer door, Won Hung Lo developed a problem that has kept him indoors and away from work for going on two years.

The 150 pound Lo doubled his weight overnight. His scrotum had swollen to 150 pounds and looked like a sack of watermelons that dangled between his legs.

Since Won Hung Lo will not allow himself to be seen in public in this condition, The Curious Urinal decided to call upon the poor man on the phone.

He explained that while attempting to close the freezer door at the restaurant, he inadvertently closed the door on his testicles, causing him extreme pain.

When I asked him how he was handling his self-imposed exile from the outside world, he stated, "It makes me a little crazy!"

Whereas I replied, "I bet your half nuts!"

Won Hung Lo needs $1,000,000 to have an operation to reduce the size of his scrotum, and the plastic surgery to make him appear normal again.

Donations are being accepted at Sven Jorgensen's Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet for the Won Hung Lo Swollen Scrotum Fund.


In Music News

For those of you that love show tunes,

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Set in an Italian Pizzeria in post-apocalyptic New York, Zombie Pizzeria - The Musical looks at life, and the afterlife, with humor, song, and a heaping helping of Pepperoni, Brains and Blood!

This Classic Broadway Musical was cut short by the economy (and lack of interest), but the fantastic music can now be yours on CD.

Who could forget these timeless classics?

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Zombies Keep Gnawing on My Head (To the tune of Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head)
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The Curious Urinal  - 10/21/2011


Local Teacher Wants To Ban Holidays
By Staff Reporter Willie Whacker

Anne Polelicker, a principal at Buzzardbait Elementary School, sent an email to teachers, warning them about celebrating Thanksgiving, Halloween and other holidays. Polelicker, originally from California, stated that Thanksgiving celebrated the annihilation of Native Americans. Halloween glorified witchcraft, and that Christmas was a Pagan ritual in which people were thrown into lava pits to please the gods.

"I hate the holidays! They represent the worst of mankind!" Polelicker stated to The Curious Urinal over the phone.

"But what about the children, who look forward to these holidays?" I asked.

"Screw their fun! This is about getting back at all of those bad things we have done to people throughout the centuries," she replied.

"So, Arbor Day is bad too?" I asked.

"We cut down trees for wood and paper, so yes, it's a bad holiday!" Polelicker claimed.

"What about the Fourth of July?"

She replied, "We came here and wiped out the Native Americans so we can shoot of fireworks, so it has to go!"

Then I asked, "What about Labor Day?"

Principal Polelicker responded, "Labor means work, and work means death, and death kills people, so it needs to go too!"

"Did you celebrate these holidays when you were a child?" I asked.

"Yes, but when I was young, I was ignorant of the atrocities that Christopher Columbus committed against the indigenous peoples, and that Halloween was all about witches and ghouls. Or that Christmas celebrated a make-believe god who wore a red suit and was fat... I mean weight-challenged."

Okay, one last question. "How about we get rid of all the holidays, except for Kwanzaa, and Ramadan, force people to work everyday, without a day off, and then just educate the children that life sucks, then you die... Would that be acceptable to you?"

She replied, "As long as it doesn't apply to me, I'd be for it!"

"That's what I thought!" I replied.

The call ended and I realized that this woman is a nutcase. She needs to go back to Californication and live in a commune with other nutcases that have no clue about enjoying their lives without wanting to screw everyone else out of their enjoyment. Yes, America is going to the crapper in a hurry, and with people like this teaching out children, it wont be long in coming! Let’s not take political correctness to the extreme. Let kids be kids and enjoy their childhood years. God knows that once they become adults, they have to deal with idiots like Polelicker on a regular basis!


 
A Curious Urinal Special Feature:
Dating Advice for Singles
By Dr. Phillip 'Buster' Hyman, OBGYN

Can you believe that people have trouble dating in today's world of Twitter, MySpace, Facebook and texting? Imagine, so many people out there cannot find dates with all of the people out there in social media. It turns out that no matter the bravado someone has in texting, they may be shy in real life.

Well, we at The Curious Urinal would like to help.

Here are a few pieces of advice that those shy singles need to follow in order to date successfully in modern America.

1. Talk to the opposite sex like they are your friends, not dates

This is probably the most important piece of advice anyone can give you. Don't treat your date like dates. Especially on that all-important first date. Treat your date as if you've known them all of your life. Tell them anything. For example:

Guys - Tell your date about the last five women you wanted to ask out, but that pesky bout of VD you had kept you from doing so.

Gals - Tell that man how you've been cramping and bloating because you have had a really bad case of PMS, and you want to take it out on someone!

2. I am a: Man/Woman Seeking a: Man/Woman for:

With all of the dating sites and social media, it's really easy to find that special someone. Just place an ad. For example:

Guys - Male seeking female for sex/orgies/snuff films. Only blondes/ brunettes/ redheads with big bazoombas need apply. No bald chicks!

Gals - Woman seeking man. Not just any old man, but one that will wine and dine me, buy be clothes, take me on lavish vacations, and listen to me whine when I'm PMSing.

3. Take advantage of your friends

This one is really important. If your friend has a nicer car than you do, borrow it. Or maybe they have a nicer house or apartment than you do. Don't be afraid to tell your date that you actually own it and charging a small fortune for rent it to those slob friends of yours. Sometimes it's the little lies that add up to a fun night later.

4. Don't expect too much

Let's face it, our expectations can get the best of us.

Guys - Don't expect to score on the first date... Unless you rent a hooker. But by the second date, you should be scoring early and often! But beware, some ladies will balk and have you arrested for trying to attack them. If this happens, make sure you have a good lawyer standing by.

Gals - Make sure and control your moods when PMSing. Assault and battery charges are not what you want on your dating resume. Keeping a good lawyer on call is always a good idea if you happen to slip up and bash your date's skull in because you're retaining water.

5. Set your goals low

Instead of trying to date that beautiful woman/ handsome man you've had your eyes on for some time, why not ask the ugly chick/dude that you work with to go out. Odds are, he/she will be more willing to put out, and you can always role play and ask him/her to wear the George Clooney/Brittney Spears mask.

6. See your shyness in a positive light

Guys- Better yet, buy an inflatable doll and pretend you're dating Drew Berrymore.

Gals - Stay home, rent a Brad Pitt movie, and have extra batteries handy!

7. Be aware of your body language

Guys - Don't slouch, sit up straight.

Always keep your hands folded upon the table, not under the table (especially if your arms seem jerky).

Try not to drool in excess.

Maintain eye contact (do not stare at her cleavage - and get caught doing so).

Gals - Avoid staring at the crotch and/or wallet area.

Make sure to shave your pits.

Keep a toothpick handy to get the spinach from between your teeth after dinner (pick your teeth in the bathroom, not in front of your date!).

8. Here are some general rules to go by:

Do not pick your nose in front of your date. If you do, down chew it thereafter.

Do not scratch your butt, your crotch, or pop the pimple on your chin/nose during the date. That can wait till later!

Do not take your shoes and socks off and trim your toenails at the dinner table.

Do not try to light your farts to impress your dates.


Follow these basic rules and you can have a successful date.


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The Curious Urinal  10/14/2011

Country Singer Still Making Waves!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

What's this world coming to?  A week after his theme song was pulled from "Monday Night Football" Hank Williams Jr. is still making the rounds on news shows, talking about the incident. The free publicity has been great for Williams.


As most everyone in America now knows by now, Williams sparked an uproar when he appeared on the Fox News Channel show "Fox & Friends" on October 3. There, he stated that the Obama's pairing with Republican House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner in a June golf summit was "like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu." (Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu).

He also referred to Obama and Vice President Joe Biden as "the enemy." That same day, ESPN publicly rebuked Williams, dropping his "All My Rowdy Friends" song as the opening theme for its weekly "Monday Night Football" broadcast.

Hank has since lashed out at the media with a song called "Keep the Change."

Later, Williams issued a statement saying he was sorry to anyone who took offense, but that the analogy he used wasn't quite what he had meant to say in the first place. He meant to say that Obama golfing with Boehner "was like having sex with a billy goat with rabies." Or maybe "like stuffing porcupines in your britches with a Garden Weasel." Or perhaps, "eating a crap sandwich at a Hooters."

He went on to add, "I should have said, 'It's like kissing your grandma, and slippin' her the tongue!'" He stopped, shook his head, and said, "Maybe I should just keep my analogies to myself and sing my little songs!"

Wise words, Hank... Wise words indeed!


In Local News:
 
Screamin' Sidney Snark, deejay and reporter for WBZZ -AM 1340,  was arrested in downtown Hooter Heights Wednesday night, after doing a lousy job, while being the MC at Big Al's Titty Emporium's Annual Charity Strip-A-Thon.
 
Snark, who does the Morning Sickness in the Afternoon drive time show (from 3 to 6 p.m.) was arrested for mooning the audience after making a bad joke about one of the strippers. Needless to say, the audience was not amused. The incident occurred after Candy Glitterlick, who was walking off stage, bent over to collect some dollar bills that were tossed her way during her act.
That was when Snark, who weighs 475 pounds, "showed his ass in more ways than one," said Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, who was the arresting officer.

A witness to the crime, Carl Cornhumper, said, "It wasn't a pleasant thing to witness. Those pimples on his lard ass looked like a bad case of the measles on a beached albino whale!"
 
Snark will still be doing his show from 3 - 6 p.m. Monday thru Friday, but he will be doing it from his jail cell. That should prove to be entertaining radio.
 
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The Curious Urinal 10/7/2011

Chris Christie, Sarah Palin Rule Out 2012 Presidential Runs
By Staff Reporter Willie Whacker

Well, it's official. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, this past Tuesday, declared, "Now is not my time, seriously!" Letting everyone know that he would indeed not be running for president in 2012.

The New Jersey governor, after denying for months that he had any serious interest in running, used a press conference in Trenton to further extinguish any  speculation as to his interest in the race. He said the answer, "was never anything but 'no.' Seriously, it never has been!" He also acknowledged that he and his family had been compelled to "seriously rethink" that stance in recent weeks given the seriously intense pressure on the governor to throw his hat in the ring.

Meanwhile, Wednesday night, Sarah Palin finally decided to not run for president. Almost immediately thereafter, left-wing bloggers were laid-off all over the country, and MSNBC's dismal ratings moved further south. They now have three viewers.

And update on this story.
Chris Christie held another press conference on Wednesday, after Sarah Palin's announcement, to confirm that after more serious thought, he is still not running for president in 2012!

Occupy Wall Street Meets Occupy Buzzardbait!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Right now, even as you read this article, there are people who continue their protests against corporate America.

Protesters from Occupy Buzzardbait camped out in Buzzardbait Park and Water Treatment Plant overnight.

Police were keeping an eye on the group for hours last night, but eventually decided to let them camp out even though they did not have a permit to do so.

Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police laughed, saying, "Look at these pathetic excuses for human beings. If any of these slackers can stand the stench of this place, let them camp out and protest. Hell, they deserve whatever they breathe in!"

Earlier in the day as many as 4 people took part in the protests.

Emily Mushead of Hooter Heights is one of the protesters. She said, "Rich people suck!"

Tom Slacker is another protester, who added, "We want rich people to pay their fair share!"

When asked how much they paid in taxes, Suzie Poosey said, Taxes? Like who really pays taxes? I thought the president had like a stash of cash and just spent it, like, for stuff."

When I suggested that people who actually work for a living paid taxes, the fourth protester, Jimmy Worthless of Poon Point added, "I don't got no job, and don't want one either, man!"

These kids are our future. God help us!

This just in:

Chris Christie held another press conference Thursday to confirm that after more serious thought, he is still not running for president in 2012!


In Other News

Cat House Karaoke?

Smokey, the adorable kitten, sang a couple of tunes last night in the Strike and Suds Karaoke Contest. The cat won over the crowd, singing a cover of Jim Croce's Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, and a heartfelt rendition of Baby Got Back!

Smokey won the contest and $50.

In addition to winning the contest, Smokey won over the heart of a woman... Who snatched the cat up and ran out the door.

Mildred Dorkpounder, with her husband, Hansel, who disappeared shortly after she opened her first restaurant, Fried Dork on a Stick!

The catnapper was none other than Mildred Dorkpounder of Hooter Heights, who recently opened a restaurant called, Fried Cat on a Stick! She eluded the police for hours. Finally, Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, located Mrs. Dorkpounder... Just after she had deep-fried Kitty on a stick, and was using the stick to pick her teeth.

Since there was no evidence, other than some fur and bones, Mildred Dorkpounder was released from custody.

The disappearance of her husband, Hansel, is still a mystery. Mildred Dorkpounder said that Hansel had left her for some quiet time at Big Al's Titty Emporium, and has been missing now for three years. Buzzardbait Police still have no clues, other than some old clothing and bones they found behind the restaurant.

In a related story, several cats have come up missing in recent days. Ammo County Animal Control officers noticed the cat population had dwindled as of late, but they have no idea what has happened to them.

This Just In...

Chris Christie held another press conference late last night to confirm he is still seriously not running for president in 2012! Seriously!


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This just in:

Chris Christie is seriously planning yet another  press conference for Sunday morning to confirm his confirmation that after more seriously serious thought, he is seriously still not seriously running for president in 2012! And he's serious about it this time!

The Curious Urinal  9/30/2011

Kentucky Governors Race Heating Up
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

The tightly contested race for the governor's mansion was turned up a notch today as a late arrival entered the race.

Current Kentucky Governor, Steve Brassear (D) thumbed his nose at the newcomer, saying that he didn't have a chance, and that he would not debate him, or anyone else. David Willnot (R) and Gatewood Hambreath (I) both laughed at the newcomer, saying he had no chance of winning.

But Will Doolittle (I) was stoic when he said, "We already have a do-nothing governor with Brassear, and Willnot and Hambreath haven't got a clue how to fix the mess Brassear and his minions have gotten the state into!"

When asked, Doolittle explained his platform. "I'll leave everything alone and let it work itself out."

When we pressed him, he explained his entire platform.

"As far as taxes go, I'll not raise them, or I'll not lower them. In regards to unemployment, the people who are unemployed need to find a job. That will solve the unemployment crisis in the state. People on welfare and other entitlements will have to find jobs or have nothing. We don't have the money for such nonsense!"

When I asked how he'd repair the highways and build the bridges that the state so desperately needs, he replied, "I'll leave that to the transportation department to do. That's their job!"

I asked about the state union employees, who collectively have over a billion dollars in uncompensated retirement funds, he replied, "So? Let them worry about their own retirement plans. That's not the job of the governor."

When pressed about the seriousness of cronyism in state government, Will Doolittle stated, "I intend to let it run its course until the problem fixes itself."

When asked about the commercial that he is currently running on TV and radio, he said, "I think the ad speaks for itself."

So, we'll transcribe the ad for you, our readers, to see if you'd vote for Will Doolittle for Governor.

(This is the official transcript for the ad)

"Hi, I'm Will Doolittle, and I'm running for governor. Are you tired of Frankfort being a place where horse millionaires and freeloaders run the state? Are you tired of deadbeats mooching off of your hard-earned dollars? Are you sick and tired of being taxed to death and getting precious little for your tax dollars?

Then you should vote for me, Will Doolittle.

I promise not to screw the state up any worse that it already is. I promise not to give myself big raises and spend your money without regard to how much I want stuff. I think the governor's mansion should be filled with golden faucets and platinum sinks, and as governor, I'll do what I can to make sure it happens!

I need a job, and you should send someone to Frankfort that wants a job, not some crook that just wants to steal your money and have sex with your children's pet dog.

Are you tired of people that are secretly filled with graft and corruption? I'll be open and honest about my graft and corruption!

You need a strong governor, someone that can lift 50 pounds repeatedly for at least three reps. You want a governor that can do five sit-ups before he needs a fifteen minute break to catch his breath. You need someone that won't spend a dime more than he can lift from the state coffers.

And I'm that man!

I'm not some Lousyville lawyer or Lexingthong horse trader... I'm from Buzzardbait, where men are men, women are women, and most of the people bathe every Saturday night, whether they need it on not!

You don't deserve being secretly ripped-off every time you pay your taxes to the state. I want you to know where every dollar you pay in taxes actually goes... And I'll be the one to make sure you pay your taxes for good stuff... Like high-def TV's and fast cars for state employees; not wasting your money on casino's and booze like I could. I'll stay away from places like that, unless they are having strippers and half-priced drinks, then I'll see you there. 

I'm Will Doolittle, and I want to be your governor!

Paid for by Will Doolittle for Governor, Will Doolittle's wife, treasurer.

(End transcript).

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Drink All-Natural Duckwizz Bottled Water

Remember: If you're drinking any other bottled water, you're not drinking Duckwizz!

Schitts Brewing Company

Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal 9/23/2011


English Language Officially Designated Inferior by News Source

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Granted, the English language is probably the hardest language to understand in the world. Conjunctions, verbs and adverbs, nouns and pronouns and past participles sometimes makes even the most fluent in English scratch their heads with wonder.

So, I am sitting at my desk --- minding my own business  --- when the boss tossed this headline upon my desk. He complained that Yahoo News is a laughing stock. He said, "They must hire half-trained monkeys and children raised in the jungle as writers and copy editors!"

Well, looking at the headline, I scratched my head, wondering exactly what the headline meant. Here is for your perusal:

Jagger unsure if the Stones of an anniversary tour (actual headline from Yahoo.com News - 9/20/2011)

With this headline, one has to wonder if Mick Jagger is taking speaking lessons from Keith Richards, or that the writers and copy editors at Yahoo are just starting to realize that English is just too hard to get right. So, in the spirit of lampooning Yahoo’s writers and editors, The Curious Urinal has decided to butcher the story based upon the headline.


Mick Jagger unsure if of what he and band mates fellow tour. Charlie Watts was 50th anniversary tour is Jagger and Richards looked at schedule of bus and decided to tour of which.
50 years after, notwithstanding rumors and fans, Jagger cut a record tour as they decide if to when. Why? Know not sure, if Watts and Richards rocking chair tour if Jagger did does too.


Did you understand that? We didn’t either, but if you did, you have been hanging out in Keith Richards bloodstream for far too long.




NASA Satellite Falls to Earth, Pieces Land in Buzzardbait
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Supposedly, there was a 1 in 22 trillion chance (or 1 in 3,200 depending on whom you asked) of any debris hitting anyone on Earth when the NASA satellite, the UARS....Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, began falling from space (it was slated to fall between Thursday and Saturday). The school bus-sized satellite would enter the atmosphere, and break into pieces. Most of it would burn up in the atmosphere, with the bulk of the debris falling into the ocean. But apparently not all of it did.


Rufus Bumfuzzle of Hooter Heights was in Buzzardbait this morning, stopping at Bizby’s Feed and Seed to get a 50 pound bag of oats for his horse, Bessy, when a large chunk of metal came screaming from the heavens and hit him on the shoulder. Feeling the impact, Mr. Bumfuzzle at first thought it was a bumble bee trying to attack him. He spotted something on the ground by his feet. It was something he had never seen before in his 59 years of life. Bending to pick the twisted metal object from the ground, Mr. Bumfuzzle realized that this particular piece of twisted metal had come from space. The quarter-sized chunk quickly entered his coverall's pocket.


Mr. Bumfuzzle went on to purchase his oats and then hopped in his '57 Dodge pick-up truck, and headed to the one person he knew that could verify his find. He took the twisted piece of metal to Buzzardbait's top scientist, Dr. Wilfred Wizbanger, Buzzardbait High School's 10th grade Science Teacher, Bumfuzzle watched patiently as Dr. Wizbanger placed the item under his microscope and declared, "Yep, it's a piece of twisted metal alright! It could have fallen from space, or it could be something that fell off an old Mercury station wagon."


Rufus Bumfuzzle has decided to keep the item, even though it may be radioactive and dangerous to human life. "Heck, my old lady is caustic and dangerous to be around when she had a snootful of whiskey, so this will be nuthin'!"


There's no word from NASA as of now if they will come and take the piece of space junk away from Mr. Bumfuzzle, but he warns, "Let em come try and take my little prize, and I'll give 'em a double barrel load of rock salt!"

Photo of the Day

President Obama raises his hand when someone asked, "Who wants to see President Obama get four more years in office?"

Most of the people in the picture just laughed, except for the man who had his face covered by Obama's hand. He mumbled, “Where's the Birth Certificate?”



  
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
 
 

DINGLEBERRY WINE

Your friends at Dingleberry Wine remind you to drink as much as you can, then drink a little more, because there's always room for

Dingleberry Wine!

 

Dingleberry Winery

Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal – 9/16/2011

POST OFFICE IN $$$ TROUBLE  --- SEEKS IDEAS

By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

The U.S. Postal Service, which is struggling to cut costs and conserve cash, said on Thursday that it wants to end overnight delivery of letters and postcards, and will be looking into other cost-cutting measures.

The USPS, which lost more than $3 billion last quarter, has said it must downsize drastically or will be forced to stop delivering mail by the end of next summer.

Delivering First Class mail in two to three days instead of one to three days could save about $3 billion by 2015, the agency said. The change would allow it to close facilities, cut back on overnight work and eliminate about 35,000 jobs.

Asking for public input on how the US Postal Service could make or save money, several local residents have made suggestions.

Fred Hindlick, of Poon Point, suggests a change of uniforms. “Tell them haughty post office folks to dress in overalls and some work boots like us farmers and they could save some dang money! Instead of those fancy Post Offices buggies they drive, put em on tractors and they could plow some while delivering all that crap they call mail!”

Connie Linguist, of Hooter Heights made a suggestion. She said, “If they would stop sending a ton of junk mail, they could save millions of trees and millions of gallons of gas at the same time! How many pieces of junk mail have I had to throw away when they could simply stop delivering it and save money, gas and time!”

Big Al (Big Al’s Titty Emporium) suggested: “Hey, make the mail carriers go topless and do pole dances for tips. That might bring in a few bucks... Unless they use really fat guys and ugly ones too!”

And Anita Mann, of Buzzardbait, had a great suggestion, “Tell them to stop bringing all them bills they brung to my house last week and they won’t be wasting all that money. They can charge them billing companies triple to actually deliver them bills to someone that’s got a dang job and some money!”


And in Other Local News

Local Author/Publisher of The Curious Urinal, Dewaine Shoulders, announces the release of his latest epic masterpiece (Okay, so it’s neither epic or a masterpiece, but it’s a book, okay!). The Starr Warped Trilogy has been released for the Kindle. Of course, you don’t have to own a Kindle to read the book, as you can download the program straight to your PC or Laptop.

Here is the link to preview the latest book from our publisher:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_7?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=dewaine+shoulders&sprefix=Dewaine

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

 He doesn't always drink beer,

 but when he does,

it's usually in a hospital bed.

The Curious Urinal 9/9/2011

Local Business Closes Soon After Opening
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme


It was a business plan like no other. These two men had years of experience and the know-how to get the business up and running.

Marty Gross and Phillip Rancid had the perfect idea when they decided to go into business together. One had spent years as a master butcher and the other had years of experience in the produce business. They decided to open their business during a recession because people have to eat, and they would have the lowest prices in town to make sure that the people would want to shop with them. Both knew that nothing could go wrong.

Their gimmick was simple - one half of the store would house the largest selection of fresh vegetables anywhere, and the other half would be the biggest butcher shop in the country.

So, having put together their marketing plan, they secured a $1,000,000 loan to build a new store. They stocked it with their meats and vegetables, and then they opened their store, spending every last dime they had to make it the biggest thing ever to take place in Buzzardbait.

But there was just one small problem. Once the business opened, no one came to shop.


Rancid Meats and Gross Vegetables was a wonderful idea that failed to catch on in Buzzardbait, and no one knows why.


In Local Sports -

The Buzzardbait High Lady Buzzards will host Aureole Heights Lady Lickers in a Girls Football showdown Tonight at Buzzardbait High Field. Tickets are on sale for $5 if your looking to see a girl fight, as these two teams have bad blood between them. It was last year that the Lady Lickers went down and gave the Lady Buzzards a good licking on their home turf. Tonight, the Lady Buzzards will try out-lick the Lickers and reclaim the Lady's Football Crown. The game begins at 7 p.m.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by -

BUZZARDBAIT ICE CREAM COMPANY

Home of the Tobacco-Flavored Cumquat

Ice Cream Surprise

And the Liver and Onion Flavored Ice Cream for Dogs*

*Also comes in Cat Feces and Ass Flavors

Buzzardbait Ice Cream Company

Buzzardbait, KY.

The Curious Urinal - 9/02/2011

Is that a Trouser Snake in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

The TSA finally found a reason to grope passengers at the airport. They confirmed that a man tried to board a flight from Miami to Brazil with bags of exotic snakes and tortoises stuffed in his pants.

A Transportation Security Administration spokesman said the man was stopped after passing through a body scanner at Miami International Airport on Thursday. Security officials spotted the nylon bags filled with seven snakes and three tortoises hidden in the man's pants. The unidentified passenger was arrested.

The animals were taken to an animal game preserve and by the U.S. Department of Fish and Wildlife personnel and subsequently fed to an alligator.

Strangely enough, that wasn’t the only Trouser Snake story this week.

Buzzardbait resident, Pervis Winkler was arrested when he pulled his trouser snake out on a crowded bus in Lousyville yesterday. He claimed to be traveling into Lousyville to see his ex-brother-in-law, Cooter, when the incident took place.

Reports state that Mr. Winkler was complaining about having to urinate. He asked the bus driver to stop at a nearby convenience store so he could go. When the bus driver refused to stop, Pervis Winkler decided to do his business right there in front of everyone.

Aside from several gasp from some of the passengers, most of the crowd on the bus merely laughed. Several riders wrestled the Mr.Winkler to the floor of the bus until police could arrive.

Pervis Winkler was charged with indecent exposure, resisting arrest, and urinating in public without a license. His bail was set at $50,000.


Local Doctor explains the 6 Reasons You're Not Losing Weight

By Staff Reporter Willie Whacker

Are you one of the millions of overweight folks in America? Are you constantly dieting? Does you life revolve around the amount of food you consume?

Well, you’re not alone. Dr. Hesa Hockendaloogie, noted Indian dietitian and new resident of the Buzzardbait Clinic for Extremely Fat Folks, has laid out some guidelines on why you’re not losing the weight when you are dieting.

Reason # 1: Back away from the Diet foods!

Dr. Hockendaloogie explains that even though it had diet on the label, you cannot eat all you want and expect to lose any weight.


Reason # 2: You're Not Getting Enough Support From Friends of Family.

When you go on a diet, don’t expect your family to support you if you tell them that you’ll start your diet right after eating that half-gallon of Cookie dough ice cream with extra whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Tell them you need for them to beat you into submission if you even go neat the fridge.

Reason # 3: Eat Well-Balanced Meals

So, you like to eat, and that’s okay. But eating half a slab of baby back ribs, twelve helpings of macaroni and cheese, four bowls of chili and a diet soda isn’t considered a diet. Eat smaller portions, walk to the restaurant instead of having your lard ass hauled behind a tractor, and remember to eat sensibly. Also, stop eating at the buffet line. Sixteen trips to the salad bar isn’t a diet. It’s called gluttony!

Reason # 4: You're NOT Exercising!

Walking is important. Walking a buffet line isn’t the same as walking around a track. Join a spa instead of sitting at the Bingo Hall, eating greasy chips and shoveling corn dogs in your gullet. When you go to the movies, don’t get triple butter on your popcorn, and stay away from the 10 boxes of Raisinettes! When you go to the store, walk the aisles, not ride the little electric cart like that fat woman you saw at Wally World yesterday. You noticed she could walk to the candy aisle and stock-up on sugarcoated chocolate drops, yet she had to get back on the cart to roll up two foot to the Snickers bars. Geez!

Reason # 5: Stop Reading the Scale

Sure, it’s nice to see the pounds drop off, but only weighing one leg, and then thinking it’s okay to have that extra hamburger and milk shake isn’t healthy. Toss the bathroom scale in the trash and go to the nearest truck stop. Let them give you a true weight reading. Odds are, you weigh as much as a semi yourself!

Reason #6: When All Else Fails, See a Doctor!

So, you have given up trying to lose that extra tonnage because you think it’s too hard, right? Dr. Hockendaloogie has one piece of advice… Come see him at the Buzzardbait Clinic for Extremely Fat Folks and he’ll schedule you for surgery. He claims he can cut 25 – 50% of your body weight in one three-hour surgery.

Dr. Hesa Hockendaloogie says, “I can either cut your fat out with surgery, or I can take a chainsaw and whack-off those pounds. One surgery is cheaper than the other, and a lot less messy, but I can fix you right up!”

The Buzzardbait Clinic for Extremely Fat Folks is located on 5th and Main in Downtown Buzzardbait.


This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Buzzardbait Oil Refinery and Mud Bog
Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Special Edition
Saturday, 8/27/2011

Here at The Curious Urinal, we strive to give you up-to-the-minute, uplifting information. Seeing how we came up with zilch this week, we bring you instead:

Buzzardbait Dragnet

The story you're about to read is true (for the most part). The names have been changed to protect the innocent (well, kind of).
This is the city (duh da duh duh) Buzzardbait, Kentucky (duh da duh duh duhhhhhh)
There are a million stories in the half-naked city... This is just one of them. My name is Investigator, and I carry a badge.

It was raining at the top of the page as I was rolling down Fourth and Main, making the turn onto Main and Fourth. My windshield wipers were slapping at the steady staccato of the rain. My partner, Tuesday, was rolling a number and was about to light it up when the call came in. A UFO sighting near the old Fuzzenbusher Farm. I looked to my partner and shook my head.

Investigator: What a night for a UFO sighting!

Tuesday: Sounds like old man Fuzzenbusher is seeing things.

Investigator: And maybe after we smoke that, we will too.

We rolled out to the Fuzzenbusher Farm and noticed right away that little had changed since our last visit. There was the farmhouse, barn, and lots of cows with Uzis. It looked pretty much normal. But that was when we spotted it.

Hovering just above the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis was a very large spacecraft. It was all lit up, making the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis look like they were in daylight underneath the well lit flying saucer. I stopped the car just beyond the parameter of the craft and stepped out into the rain. My partner, after placing the number in the glove box for later, did the same. We walked underneath the ship and noticed the rain stopped falling on us immediately.

As we approached the farmhouse, a beam of light hit the ground. That was when a small, green alien with a gnarled cane appeared before us. He looked around nervously as we approached. My partner and I flashed our badges.

Investigator: I'm Detective Investigator, this is my partner, Tuesday. Mind if we have a word with you?"

Alien: Detective Investigator... An oxymoron that is. Hmm?

Investigator: You calling me names, Mister?

Alien: No, I am not. Speak if you must.

Investigator: Why have you landed on Old Man Fuzzenbushers Farm? In fact, where is Old Man Fuzzenbusher?

Alien: I know not where this person is. Thought this place abandoned, it was.

Tuesday: So, what brings you here?

Alien: The ship (he giggled) See it, can you not? Hmmm?

Investigator: Just the fact, man, Just the facts. What's you name?

Alien: Call me Yoda, you can.

Tuesday: So, Yoda, why have you come here?

Alien: Come to find work, I have. That and Universal Healthcare! Hmm?

Investigator: Do you have a Green Card?

Alien: Green card? Of such, I know not. A Green Meat-Saber I have though. (Giggling again)

I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The light made his hair appear to glow; my heart raced; my manhood... Uh, I decided to take the little alien in.

Investigator: We're going to have to take you down to the station.
Alien: Ask why, might I?

Tuesday: We're booking you on a Ten twenty-three.

Alien: Meaning?

Investigator: Illegal alien status.

After cuffing the little green alien, we escorted him to the car where he meditated the entire ten minute trip back to the station. Once inside the station, out of the rain, we took the alien into the interrogation room. Under the bright lights, he'd sing like a canary.

Alien: La la la la la... Lady Gaga has nothing on me! (Again with the annoying giggles) This light, help my tan, it will!

Investigator: Where were you on the night of July the second?

Alien: Depends it does.

Tuesday: You're in Depends?

Investigator: Into a little kink and perversion, are you?

Alien: Clear your mind... Remember, the Force surrounds us, binds us...

Tuesday: So you're wearing Depends because you're a little bound-up?

Alien: Huh?

Investigator: Just answer the questions!

Alien: Not been on your planet before, I have. Just work I seek. Maybe something in Avatar II in 4D?

Tuesday: Damned migrant workers! Coming into our country, taking work away from other migrant workers!

Investigator: Coffee?

Alien: Yoda! Remember can you not?

Investigator: Tuesday, go get us some coffee. I need to speak with this alien alone.

Tuesday: Fine! Just don't break the lamp again. You know the chief hates it when you break the lamps.

Investigator: I'll try to restrain myself.

Once Tuesday left the room, I decided to switch tactics. Breaking the lamp, I began a new line of questioning.

Investigator: Where did you steal the ship?

Alien: Stolen it is not. Borrowed from a friend, I did!

Investigator: I bet. Who did you borrow the ship from then?

Alien: Chubacca.

Investigator: No, I smoke!

Alien: Stunt your growth, it will. Look at me!

Investigator: Where do you come from?

Alien: A galaxy far, far away.

Investigator: Where?

Alien: The third galaxy to the left of Hollywood and Vine it is!

Investigator: And you came here for work?

Alien: Tough times, it is. Hard to find work I have found. Unemployment Insurance ran out, it has!

Investigator: I bet. So what kind of work are you looking for?

Alien: Leading man roles. Or Director, may be? I heard rumors of Hulk III. Perfect for the part, I am! Hmm? (More of the giggling)

Investigator: Right! And you would be doing this in Hollywood?

Alien: Nooooo! Devoid of good, that galaxy is. Shrouded by the Dark Side, it has become! Full of liberals it has become!

Investigator: So you came here... To Buzzardbait, to find work?

Alien: Buzzardbait? In Miami, I thought!

That was when Tuesday entered the room.

Tuesday: I see you have broken another lamp.

Investigator: It couldn't be helped.

Tuesday: You know the chief isn't gonna like it. That lamp belonged to his mother. And you know how he is about his mother?

Investigator: Yes, I know. Just hand me the coffee.

I took the coffee cup and withdrew my flask of cheap, rot-gut whiskey. I poured a shot in the coffee and sipped at it. The little alien watched me with those goofy looking eyes of his. I replaced the flask in my back pocket... And that was when the idea hit me.

Investigator: I have one more question for you. Have you had your shots?

Alien: Shots? Of what shots speak do you?

I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The twinkle in his eye and his lovely smile made the goose flesh crawl all over me. I mouthed 'Later' and returned my gaze toward the alien.

Investigator: Well, I think we can wrap this case up!

Tuesday: What are you charging him with?

Investigator: A Ten twenty-three, a Ten ninety-eight and a Ten sixty-nine!

Alien: Mean what does that?

Investigator: Being an illegal alien with no shots and really bad acting!

Alien: And a crime that is?

Investigator: Here in Buzzardbait, you betcha! And where you're going, you'll get all the work you can handle. You'll be moving rocks and playing Drop the Soap with you cellmate!

Alien: Played that with Mace Windu, I did. Terrible pain I felt. Terrible pain!

(Duh da duh duh)

Yoda, the little green alien, was sentenced in Superior Court on a 10-23, a 10-98 and a 10-69. He is currently serving a life sentence in Buzzardbait Prison and Lawn Care Center. He will be eligible for parole in six weeks!

(Dum da dum dum dummmmm).

The Curious Urinal - Friday 8/19/2011

Local Minister Starts Charity
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

There are ministers and then there's the Reverend Cleofus Jones, Jr. He is one of Lousyville's most outspoken proponents of charity in the community. And we were given a few minutes of his valuable time to discuss his latest charitable ministry.

"My name is Reverend Yawanna Cleofus Malcolm Young Vincent Antonio Jones, Junior, but the parishioners of my church call me Reverend Yawanna Cmyvajayjay for short. I am the pastor of The Church of the Little Folk here in Lousyville and I'm starting a new local charity to help those less fortunate than most of the good peoples out there."

When asked about his new charity, the reverend nodded and smiled.

"Well, I call it "The Little Folk's Payback Charity."

So, I asked him about what he planned to do about helping those less fortunate in the community.

"In simple terms, you folks have it made. You have cars, nice clothes, X Boxes, Wii's and Playstations, personal computers and cell phones galore. All I'm asking is that those civic-minded peoples in Lousyville take a moment to reflect on all they have, and what it would take to replace all those items if something bad were to happen... Like a robbery. Gawd forbid such a thing happen to those good peoples out there, but it can happen, and that's where my charity begins."

Okay, I had to ask, how is having all those items related to his charity. His reply was interesting.

"What I'm trying to do is make those good peoples in Lousyville aware that there are those within the community that don't have such toys and gadgets, and those peoples in the community that would come by your house and take 'em from you when you weren't home, or whilst you were sleeping. For a mere $100 a month donation, I can personally guarantee that none of my parishioners will do that. But if you don't give to the charity, then I can't guarantee that you'll come home to anything at all... Iff'n you knows what I mean!"

Astounded, I asked, "But Reverend Jones, isn't that akin to a threat?"

"Let me explain. I can't say no to the Little Folks when they come to me and say, 'Reverend Yawanna Cmyvajayjay.' I say 'yes,' and they say, 'Why can't we have stuff like that?' And I say, 'Cause you weren't born as lucky as those folks, and we can't have that, now can we?"

That's when I said, "It sounds like extortion to me!"

"Calls it what ya like. I'm simply trying to make things better for the Little Folk and to keep the police from busting my parishioners every time something comes up missing at some folks house."

Whereas I replied, "Then maybe you could preach something from the Ten Commandments... Like Thou shalt not steal!"

"Whatchu wanna bring that old crap up for? Try telling some thirteen year old with no X Box why they can't have one. It's better to give then to receive, and if you folks don't give, then maybe some of the little folks will receive... Stolen goods. That's not good for them, and not good for you peoples."

Completely perplexed, I decided to end the interview, When I walked outside, my car was up on blocks, the tires and wheels missing. The stereo had been ripped out of the dash, and the seats were gone as well. Reverend Jones followed me outside and said, "For a donation of $250, I can have you care put back together and on your way in less than ten minutes."

I paid the $250 and sure enough, a group of youths reassembled my car and even cleaned the windshield.

Reverend Jones stood there beaming with pride when one of the little girls came up and asked, "Reverend Yawanna Cmyvajayjay?"

He said, "Yes."

The vice squad showed up at that moment and hauled the good reverend away for solicitation of a minor.

I left the scene before my car was stripped yet again.

Anyone interested in the extortion/charity, contact Reverend Jones, Jr. at The Church of the Little Folk, 1234 Way up on the 7th Floor, Lousyville, KY.

This edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to by:

Start your day with a heaping, steaming bowl of Monkey Nuts Cereal. Eat em' hot or cold. It's an All-Natural, Meaty, Juicy and nutritious alternative to ordinary breakfast cereals.

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That's right... Monkey Nuts makes a great snack.

So grab a handful of Monkey Nuts today!

Monkey Nuts Cereal (c)
Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America (CCCoA)
Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 8/12/2011

The Curious Urinal Interview: Bert and Ernie

By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

There seems to be an online petition calling for Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie to be married. This has sparked much comment, controversy and lots of tweets in cyberspace. So, we at The Curious Urinal decided to go to the source and talk to these two 'Friends' to see what they think of all the brouhaha.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.

Ernie: No problemo.

Bert: Can we hurry this up a bit? I'm going to miss All My Children if we don't.

CU: But of course. So let's get down to it, shall we? Is the rumor true?

Ernie: Rumors are a terrible thing. They have two R's in the word, and a double R is a terrible thing!

Bert: Ernie, cut the crap, will ya? (Looking at me) What rumor are you talking about?

CU: The rumor that the two of you are... Dare I say it?  Gay?

Bert: Not that there's anything wrong with it, but no! We're not gay!

Ernie: Gay used to mean happy, but someone decided to change the definition and really foul things up for people. Gay people are fun to hang around. In fact, did you know that Oscar the Grouch is gay?

Bert: Ernie! Oscar the Grouch isn't gay. He's grouchy. Grouchy people are not gay!

Ernie: Like you, Bert?

Bert: Are you saying I'm grouchy?

Ernie: Well, every time I try to talk to you about something important, you get mad at me.

Bert: I do not! I just don't need to be reminded of the daily sponsors of the show. Every time you say the show is being brought to you by the letters and the numbers, I just want to vomit! But I am not grouchy!

Ernie: Well, there was the time I spilled milk and you went off on a rant about cows make milk, and I was upsetting the cows because of an accident.

Bert: I didn't say that, Ernie. I said that you pissed away $4 a gallon milk because you were clumsy!

Ernie: Piss is a bad word, Bert. Urinate would be a better word to use.

Burt: You want me to be politically correct? Okay then, Go intercourse yourself!

Ernie: Did you know that intercourse means to talk or debate, Bert. Like in Civil Intercourse?

Bert: I got your civil intercourse right here! (Grabbing his crotch).

CU: Gentlemen, the public is demanding that the two of you come out of the closet and get married. To be role models for the Gay Community. That would make gay and lesbian kids who watch the show feel better about themselves, and to promote tolerance for people who are different.

Bert: F**k them!

Ernie: Hey Bert, F**k is a bad word! You should say...

Bert: Hey Ernie, f**k you too!

CU: So I take it that there will be no nuptials between the two of you any time soon?

Ernie: Today's show is sponsored by the letters F and U, Bert!

Bert: Hey Ernie... If I didn't have a hand up my ass moving me, I'd kick your stuffed ass all over this room!

Ernie: Hey Bert, Big Bird wants his inflatable Chicken back. It's a boy chicken, you know?

Bert: What about Miss Piggy's anal beads? You sure have been hogging them!

(A rim shot is heard).

CU: Gentlemen, please...

Ernie: You know, Bert, I think you need something shoved up your ass in the worst way!

Bert: I've seen your winkie, Ernie. That would be no threat!

Ernie: That's not what your mama said!

Bert: Oh yeah, drag my mama into it, why don't you? At least my mama doesn't run around blowing Kermit the Frog for drug money!

Ernie: At least she's got a hobby!

Both Bert and Ernie laugh.

CU: Wait, is this some sort of joke?

Bert: Look, Ernie and I have been working on a new routine for amateur night at the Sesame Street Improv. And it seems to be working.

Ernie: And those dumb f**kers down on Sesame Street would pay big bucks to see us going at it.

CU: Much like the people online that want the two of you to get married.

Ernie: F**k that! I'd rather marry Lady Gaga. Damn, what a women!

Bert: I don't know about that. I like Katy Perry. She has a nice rack!

Ernie: Damn right!

CU: So, I take it that the two of you are just good friends and not gay lovers?

Bert: You humans are so f**kin' stupid. We're f**kin' muppets. We have arms up our ass all day long. Why would we want something else shoved up there?

Ernie: Besides, I'd have to be the butch one. I like it on top!

Bert: Too much information, Ernie.

CU: So, you're saying that the online petition is a waste of time?

Bert: If you people have nothing else to do but fantasize about muppets with a penchant for buggery, then you humans need to get a f**kin' life!

Ernie: We've been friend for over 40 years. Just because we don't get out much doesn't mean were gay.

Bert: It just means we don't get paid enough to go out and party like Kermit and Piggy. Their contracts are much better than ours. We got screwed early on when we signed our contracts. We get squat and the frog and the pig make the bacon!

Ernie: Like I needed to have that mental picture. Geez!

CU: So, you can tell your fans that you're straight and not getting married now of ever?

Bert: That's right. Now, if we're done here, All My Children is about to come on, and I don't want to miss an episode. I hate it that they are cancelling my favorite soap. F**kin' bean counters over at ABC!

Ernie: Are we done here? I have a meeting with my attorney. I'm going to file a class action lawsuit against the morons that want us to get married. I think they are a bunch of clueless idiots that have far too much time on their hands!

Bert: (getting out of the chair) Well, you tell that bunch of morons that we're not going to turn gay just so they can get their jollies thinking about us doing it!

Ernie: Hey Bert, I think you'd make someone a terrific wife one day.

Bert: Thanks Ern... Why you little f**ker!

CU: Thank you for the interview. Now I think I need some aspirin.

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