The Curious Urinal Monday 12/24/2012

Carrying on that fine Christmas tradition, here is a treat for all of you...

The Naughty Night Before Christmas

---

'Twas the night before Xmas and all through the house
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse

The stockings were hung by the chimney askew

While Grandma and Grandpa were having a screw

Ma, home from the cat house, and me out of jail
Had just crawled into bed for a nice piece of tail
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter

Away to the window I flew like a flash
I slipped on a rubber and fell on my ass
The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow
Gave a whore-house-like luster to the objects below

When what to my blood shot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer
With a little old driver, who looked drunk and sick

I knew in a moment, it must be Saint Nick

Slower than snails his reindeer they came
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name
On Dancer,on Prancer, up over the walls
Hurry up, dammit, or I'll cut off your balls.

Then up to the roof he stumbled and fell
And came down the chimney like a bat out of hell

He opened his bag and tossed out some gifts
Then he bent over and heard his pants rip

I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight:
Merry Christmas to all, damn what a night.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 

FROM 

THE CURIOUS URINAL

The Curious Urinal - Friday, 12/21/2012

SPECIAL 'END OF THE WORLD' EDITION

Well, it's here... 12/21/12. The day that we are all supposed to die horrific deaths by unknown forces, supposedly foretold by the Mayan Calender. Whether it be from huge boulders falling from the sky to rogue planets that will miraculously appear and slam into the earth, many people actually believe that the world will end today... At some point.

As many have prepared to meet their doom across the world, other scoff at the very idea that somehow the world will end today, citing Y2K and other gloom and doom events in recent years that have turned out to be more dud than doom.

Here in Buzzardbait, Haji Hockaloogie, owner of the Buzzardbait Grocery and Bait Shop, has gone all out to make sure that people had their "End of the World" party supplies ready. He also has had a week long special on red worms for the fishermen that want to live their final moments at Buzzardbait Lake.

But other folks in the community have had better things to do with their time. Take Oliver Clothesoff, Head of the Ammo County Road Department; he has been telling everyone that believes the world is going to end today that they are crazy. We tried to speak to him, but he declined an interview, citing that he would be barracaded in his home with a stockpile of beer, weapons and ammunition, in case the zombie apocolypse begins today.

Meanwhile, out at Old Man Wilsons Farm, Old Man Wilson has been making sure his hundred head of milking cows are busy producing milk, in case the world doesn't end, and people need milk. "Those folks are just plain stupid," Wilson stated, a wad of Red Dog Chewing Tobacco in his cheek, looking more like a baseball in his mouth. "These are some special kind of stupid people that believe that the world's gonna end tomorrow. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have cows to milk and lottery tickets to go buy. I'm gonna win the lottery Saturday!"

Yes, all of this talk of the end of the world sure make one wonder if it could happen. However, reality makes us believe that this is yet another Y2K, or Hale-Bopp moment in history. Tomorrow, a bunch of us will wonder why we stockpiled water, food, and tobacco-flavored cumquat seeds in our underground bunkers, when we should have stocked up on beer and pretzels for the big game on Saturday.

Speaking of shopping, in my recent run to the supermarket up in Lousyville, the shelves were barren, except for a few packs of Mrs. Buttermounds Deep Fried Lard Balls, and the occasional bottle of Shitts Lite Beer. The store manager, a short, balding man with a distinctive limp, told me, "The world has gone as mad as if the weatherman had predicted an inch of snow, and the schools were closing down because of it. Now I have to restock the store, hire two employees to replace the two that were trampled over in the rush, and clean aisle seven, where someone decided to push all the pickles onto the floor. That's a stinking mess, I'm telling you!"

Here's the deal people--- with four days until Christmas, the stores are already chock-full of idiots who are shopping for other idiots Christmas gifts. The sad reality is that those idiots will be returning those gifts for what they really want the day after Christmas. So, do we really need more idiots shopping for their last-minute 'end of the world' supplies.

Honestly, if the world did end today, who would be around to care? With the idiots shooting children in schools, and the idiots running the country speeding us all over the fiscal cliff, maybe if the world did end, the madness would as well.

So, until the world ends for real, we'll have to keep dealing with the idiots, and wonder if and when God will decide enough is enough, and thin the herd. Unitl that happens, I'm afraid we're quite stuck living among the idiots.

Or, in the immoral words of some guy who scrawled this upon the bathroom wall at Big Al's Tittie Emporium, "The only sane people in the world are Ye and Me, and I'm wondering about Ye!"

Oh, if the world does end today, if I owe anyone money, I'll pay you tomorrow. If it doesn't, please disregard the aforementioned statement. 

The Curious Urinal - Special Latenight Edition 10/12/2012

The Vice Presidential debate between Vice President Joe Biden, and his Republican challenger, Paul Ryan, was little more than a prelude to the November 6 election, when we get to vote for whoever seems more intelligent. From the looks of the debate on Thursday night, the choice will be clear.

Joe Biden, fresh out of Ritalin, came out of the gate like a wildman, interrupting Paul Ryan over 80 times in the 90 minute debate. ABC News Moderator, Martha Libleaner, aided Biden by duct-taping Paul Ryan's mouth shut after his opening comments.

"Anyone who watched the debate would swear that the vice president was clearly the winner. I'd vote for him!" Biden said in a post-debate interview.

In Local News:

More than 10 peanut products have now been recalled because they may contain Salmonella bacteria, U.S. health officials say.

The recalled products all contain peanut butter made at Buzzardbait Peanut Products and Soiled Diaper Cleaning Service Inc., a manufacturing company in Buzzardbait, Kentucky. Today, the Food and Drug Administration said Salmonella bacteria  has been found in samples taken from the company's production plant.

Buzzardbait Peanut Products and Soiled Diaper Cleaning Service Inc. recalled about 10 of its products in late September because they may have been contaminated with Salmonella. Today, the recall was reissued. When asked, Owner Saul Brickbutt replied, "It's because the illegal immigrants that work here do not wash their hands after defecating, and routinely stick their crap-covered hands in the peanut butter vats. I wouldn't eat a f**kin' thing that these dirty bastards have a hand in!"

Here is the full list of products involved in the recall:

Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Creamy
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Crunchy
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Chunky
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Green with Hunks of ground Beef.
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - With Jelly
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - With Jelly and Ground Beef
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - With Sodium Vibrofoam and Beets
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Tobacco-Flavored Cumquat and Lemon Beets
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Tobacco-Flavored Cumquat and Lemon Beets in a Prune Sauce
Buzzardbait Peanut Butter and Ketchup
Buzzardbait Greasy Peanut Butter Cups
Buzzardbait Greasy Peanut Butter Cups with Bacon
Buzzardbait Greasy Peanut Butter Cups and Pork Rinds

If you have purchased any of these items, take them back to the store you purchased them from and ask them to refund your money. Once they stop laughing, realize that your life is more important that getting your money back or suing someone because a bunch of filthy illegal immigrants who don't wash their hands is just sad!

In Other News:

Michigan authorities say a blaze that displaced dozens of people from an  apartment complex may have been sparked by a resident trying to cook a squirrel with a propane torch.

 

In a related story, Buzzardbait Fire and Rescue reports that a Hooter Heights man was cooking a ferret with a blowtorch yesterday when he burnt his trailer to the ground. According to the unnamed man, we will call Fred, but his real name is Fred Gorbalooski, said the ferret, belonging to his next door neighbor, had been taunting him for weeks, and he was not about to let the ferret get away with it anymore.

 

Little Timmy Lardbottem of Hooter Heights, the owner of the pet ferret named "Rascal" said that although the ferret was slightly cockeyed, the ferret was normally quiet and would never taunt his neighbors.

 

Fred Gorbalooski, sat inside his Hooter Heights trailer, with the freshly skewered ferret, and was about to enjoy ferret on a stick, when the accident occurred, resulting in the total loss of his home. Gorbalooski, recently released from Buzzardbait Sanitarium and Pawn Shop, took issue with the ferret, and stalked the caged animal for at least ten minutes before shoving the stick up the poor animals rectum. Once that was accomplished, Gorbalooski then carried the animal back to his trailer and began burning the fur away from the animal with the blowtorch, igniting the fire on his couch.

 

Now in police custody, Gorbalooski said in his defense, "Look, I always watch Wheel of Fortune at dinner time, and I was not going to miss it while cooking the ferret in the kitchen. So, I took the little varmint into the living room and tried to cook him there. I may sue the family because their ferret caused me to burn my trailer down!"

 

 

The Curious Urinal - Friday 8/24/2012

SPECIAL EVENING EDITION

It Can Only Happen in California?
Courtesy of KBZZ TV 13 (we're on your side... Unless someone else is winning, then we're on their side).

From Oceanside, CA, California Humane Society officials are trying to discover who duct-taped a bunch of balloons to a turtle, releasing it into the smoggy skies.

Wewik Wong--- a reporter for our sister station KBZZ--- said she and her neighbors found the turtle taped to the green and blue balloons caught atop a eucalyptus tree in Oceanside on Sunday.

Wewik Wong, finding her wok, said that she and her neighbors were going to have some turtle sushi, and stir-fried bean sprouts. But another neighbor, Iva Ruineditforeverybody, said she called the Humane Society and Fire Department. After waiting an hour, the fire department arrived, caught in heavy traffic and stopping several times for bathroom breaks, because somebody had to wee wee a bit too much (we're not naming names or anything, but Curtis Urinatesalot is his name), arrived about an hour later.

When the firefighters were about to rescue the turtle with a ladder truck, a gust of wind came and blew the poor turtle to the ground. Then a semi came through and ran the turtle over, crushing it into the asphalt.

Humane Society officials scraped the remains of the turtle up and buried it in the tomb of the unknown turtle, east of L.A.

Wewik Wong says she was horrified by the animal abuse and plans to have a big old bowl of turtle soup in honor of the fallen tortoise

Holy Copycows!
By staff reporter, Kitty Stroker

In the 'It Can Only Happen in Buzzardbait' Department:

Several children here in Buzzardbait decided to attach helium balloons to Bessie the Cow out at old McLeary's Farm in Poon Point.

The children, conducting an experiment during their science class at Buzzardbait Elementary School, thought it would be interesting to see if the balloons would actually lift a cow. The teacher, Sue-Mi Dippwadd, decided to allow her third grade class (ranging in age from 8-17) to duct tape 3,000 helium balloons to the underside of the cow, causing it to rise into the air and travel 14 miles before being caught in the high voltage wires that hang over County Road 13. The cow, floating over Buzzardbait second busiest road, began dropping cow patties upon County Road 13, causing several accidents as cars slid in the cow poo upon the road.

Along with the various charges the teacher will be facing in court, the fifteen children will be facing charges of animal abuse, attempted murder of a farm animal, misuse of duct tape for scientific studies, and not contacting the FAA to get permission to fly a cow.

The court case is set for November. Each child faces a mandatory 15 years in prison, and the teacher could face up to three years probation.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Willie Turd was a genius when it came to food.

He could make a hamburger like nobody had ever seen.

When Willie died, John McPooper decided to carry on his fine tradition.

 

And so, the Turd Burger lives on!

The taste?

Like John McPooper always says,

"Until you've eaten a Turd Burger, you ain't eat shit!"

Grab one today at

McPoopers Family Restaurant and Enema Emporium

On the Corner of 5th and Main

Buzzardbait, KY

John McPooper

Owners

A Special Edition of The Curious Urinal
Friday, August 10, 2012

Kentucky Ranks 3rd in Latest Livability Poll

Buzzardbait Ranks High in State Poll

By Staff Reporter Willie Maket.

In the latest Livability Poll, Kentucky ranks as the third worst state to live in, just behind Mississippi and West Virginia. This is an improvement over last year, when we were Number 2 on the list. Kentucky Governor, Steve Bedsheer, said proudly, "We ain't smellin' like number two anymore!"

Being third. Kentucky holds the distinction of having some of the poorest people in the nation. Some of the poor are so poor that they have nothing but the clothes on their backs, and they are tattered.

But then, if you break down the worst parts of the state, Louisville, or as we locals call it, Lousyville, is the worst. With the crime, filth, and other charms of a small city that thinks it's a big city, Lousyville is the worst of the worst in Kentucky.

But Buzzardbait ranks as second best city in Kentucky, just behind Monkey's Eyebrow.

Buzzardbait has the least unemployment in the state. With a paltry .02% unemployment, Buzzardbait is the best place to live in Kentucky. "The only person that doesn't have a job in Buzzardbait is Mick, the homeless guy." Says Oliver Clothsoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner. "Sometimes he comes out to collect aluminum cans and sells them for wine money, but otherwise he doesn't turn his hand for much of anything. But as for the rest of Buzzardbait, hell, those people usually have two jobs... Just to stay out of trouble."

While it's true that most of Buzzardbait is considered rural, with farmers growing Tobacco-flavored Cumquats and Lemon Beets, the rest are hard-working people that have businesses that cater to every need that the local population needs. There's no reason to ever leave Buzzardbait, unless its to go to Hooter Heights to visit Big Al's Titty Emporium. If the churches wouldn't raise such a fuss, Big Al said he'd open a club in Buzzardbait too.

So, here's the breakdown for those of you who are interested.

 Kentucky Ranks # 3 in the nation as the worst place to live.
> Future livability score: 36.7
> Full-time employment: 16th worst
> Job creation index: 23rd best
> Outlook on life in five years: 20th worst

Kentucky’s median household income of $40,062 is the fourth lowest of all states and about $10,000 less than the median income across the United States. The state also has the fourth-highest percentage of people below the poverty line and people on food stamps/SNAP benefits. It is not surprising that the state has the eighth-lowest score on the economic confidence index. Kentuckians health is also poor. The state has the second-highest rate of smokers, with an estimated 29% reporting smoking in 2011, the seventh-highest obesity rate and the 10th lowest rate of people who say they have visited the dentist in the past year. Kentucky ranks fourth from the bottom in ease of finding a safe place to exercise.

Kentucky's only smoking health club is in Buzzardbait. The newly opened Harry's House of Health brags about it's weight machines, stationary bikes, full-time yoga instructor, and its bar and smoking room. Harry says that he liked the idea of going to work out, then having a beer and a cigarette thereafter, so he opened the ultimate health spa. So far, three people have joined, but Harry's not depressed about it. "Most folks around here don't know what a health spa is, so it may take some time to get their attention. Meanwhile, I've got my day gig as a doctor."

Yes, Harry is Dr. Harry Hands, the local proctologist.


This Special Edition of The Curios Urinal has been brought to you by:

DUCKWIZZ - The All-Natural Water

If it's not Duckwizz, it's not all-natural!

The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/29/2012 The Curious Urinal Interview: Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen By Publisher Dewaine Shoulders Okay, let's cut to the chase... I had to fire all the the reporters due to deep budget cuts. It seems that the reporters have bled me dry. Juan Motyme logged over $57,000 in bar tabs at Big Al's Titty Emporium, all billed to The CU. And then he went on a drunken motorcycle ride, running his Harley through the law office of  Findem, Suem, and Skrewem, the local Buzzardbait Lawyers. Now, they are suing me for damages!  Then, Willie Whanker billed me for prostitutes and Swedish Massages totalling $37,500. That's on top of nearly $20,000 that somehow got misplaced when he decided to do some shopping for the office. And our newest reporter, Anita Mann, decided to run off with some Moonies she met at the airport. She was on her way to Maui, costing $12,500 in airfare, plus the hotel room. Well, now that has ballooned to $43,357.19. That's including room service, that she charged with her new Moonie friends, all billed to The Curious Urinal. I'm still wondering how she ended up with the company credit card????? In short, The CU is bankrupt! Nevertheless, I have one last paper to run, so I went to Texas on Monday, June 18th, to meet with two of Hollywood's most controversial stars, Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen, who are appearing in a movie together. So, being the last one in the building, I decided to make sure that the last regular edition of The CU went out with a bang. So, here is THE INTERVIEW of the Century! Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen CU: Thank you for sitting down with me today guys. MG: Hey, no problem. CS: I'm always happy to talk about me. (Laughter) CU: Is the rumor true... MG: Oh sh*t, not another question about the phone calls? CU: No, I want to ask you about the Robert Rodrigeuz film, Machete Kills, and the fact that the two of you are working together in it. CS: Mel, no one wants to talk about your breakdown. Hell, I would rather talk about mine anyway. MG: Why? Because you made an f**king ass of yourself? CS: (Laughter) Yeah! CU: What my reader will want to know... MG: Look Charlie, just because you ran around with a couple of bimbos and snorted coke like it was going out of style, and you lost your f**king mind, that doesn't mean you were winning. It meant you lost your marbles! CS: At least I wasn't sending threatening voice mails to people, calling them all kinds of nasty names and... MG: "F**k you! CU: Please, can we talk about the movie? MG: F**k the movie, you pathetic piece of sh*t! CS: Yeah, let's talk about the movie. I'm gonna play the president! MG: He's a piece of sh*t too! CU: Excuse me, but the reader want to... MG: F**k your readers! In fact, (Explicit language far too rude to be printed here). CS: Come on Mel, tell us how you really feel! CU: Could we please... MG: F**k both of you! (With that, Mel Gibson stands up, throws the chair across the room and leaves). CU: Is he always like this? CS: How the f**k should I know? He's a f**king headcase! Mel Gibson suddenly returns to the room. MG: I'm sorry... What's your name again? CU: Dewaine. MG: (Looking curiously at me) Is that a Jew name? CU: Not really. MG: You don't look Jewish, but you could be one of them Jews that don't look like a Jew. CU: I thought you got over that? MG: Got over what? CS: Oh sh*t, here we go. MG: Are you insinuating something? CU: No, I'm trying to do an interview here, but you're ranting like some out-of-control moron, throwing chairs and... MG: F**k you! (With that, Mel Gibson punches me in the nose and leaves the room again). (My nose is broken. Blood is running out of it, and I pull a handkerchief from my back pocket to stop the bleeding). CS: (Helping me off the floor) I knew it. I knew he was gonna do something like that! CU: That f**king hurt! My nose is broke! (My voice now sounds weird) CS: Be thankful he didn't... Oh sh*t, here he comes again. Mel Gibson re-enters the room. MG: And another thing, you piece of sh*t... I'm an actor. I play parts, and I get paid millions of dollars doing so. I don't need pieces of sh*t like you trying to insinuate that I'm a loose cannon! I'm an important man! I have millions of fans! CU: You have one less now! (My nose is swollen, and both of my eyes are puffed up to the point of being swollen shut). CS: Mel, why don't you just sit down, calm yourself, and we can do this interview. MG: (Picking up his chair and carrying it back over to sit down across from me). Okay, lets talk about the movie. CS: Finally. CU: Okay, now that the hostility is over... MG: What are you insinuating now? That I'm hostile? CU: No, I was just... Mel Gibson stands up, picks the chair up and bashes me over the head with it. I'm back on the floor, with blood oozing from the wound on my head. I'm dizzy to the point of passing out. MG: You sorry mother f**ker, I'll kick your (Again, Mel Gibson begins a verbal diatribe so foul that it can not be published in this family friendly paper). CS: I think he's down for the count, Mel! MG: (Looking around at Charlie Sheen) All I wanted to do was an interview. This asswipe couldn't ask one serious question about the movie or anything! What a piece of sh*t! CU: (Trying to sit up, I look up at Mel Gibson) Uh, excuse me, but I believe I did ask you about the movie. You chose to go off on me and... MG: What are you saying? CS: Sorry, dude, but you're on your own. I'm outta here! I'll see you back on the set, Mel. MG: Okay. CU: Wait! Could you at least call the police and have them send... CS: Sorry dude, I have a lunch date with a couple of girls. MG: You better call EMS, because I'm gonna beat the sh*t out of... What's your name again? CU: Dewaine, of The Curious Urinal. MG: (Looking down at me) What kind of name is that for a newspaper? I think you must be a Jew! CU: No, I'm not, but I do happen to like the Jewish people! MG: That figures! Mel Gibson kicked me in the ribs, and again walked out of the room. I laid there for several minutes before I decided to attempt to walk. The blood running from the wound atop my head, along with the blood from my broken nose, and two swollen eyes made me look like I had just gone 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. I never saw a police officer, nor did I care. I caught a cab to the airport and flew back home to Buzzardbait. So now, here I sit, fresh stitches in my head from the chair hitting it, my nose reset, my broken ribs taped, my ego bruised, and financially ruined to boot! I can say with all sincerity that no matter how damned good a Mel Gibson/Charlie Sheen movie might be, I'll NOT be seeing it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, this is it! The last Regular Edition of The Curious Urinal! Here's a brief history lesson: I started this little blog back on April 13th, 2010, in hopes to make you laugh and perhaps make you think a little. But like all good things, this humble little blog is coming to an end as a weekly feature. From 2010 until now, there are 160 postings. That's a lot of writing when you stop to think about it. When I started this blog, it was a daily enterprise (Mondays thru Fridays). As time went on, and time constraints made it impossible to continue a daily blog, I opted for an easier weekly edition. That made things a bit easier, but utterly impossible to keep up with at times. There are far too many things to compete with on the internet, and in life, and The CU was becoming harder and harder to put out as a weekly posting.  So, here I sit, writing these last few words, and I wonder... Did any of this matter to anyone in the grand scheme of things? Probably not. But there again, if I made you grin from time to time, then it was all worth it! But, even as I write this, I know that The Curious Urinal is not going away forever! From time to time, The Curious Urinal may make Special Editions to keep you apprised of Buzzardbait News, and any other news that's fit to print. Until then, I want to say thanks to all of my readers (all three of you) for your loyal support. Until we meet again... Sincerly, Dewaine (Publisher, Editor, Owner, President, and Vice President in charge of a lot of stuff).

The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/22/2012

Special Late Night Edition

Massive Solar Eruption Largest Ever?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

On March 7th, a massive flare exploded from the solar surface, unleashing the highest-energy light ever seen during a sun eruption, scientists say.
Our Mr. Sun let loose a massive solar flare, an X5.4, during its biggest outburst in 5 years, according to Dr. Banner of the Gamma Ray Center.

Of course, many are worried due to the massive output of Gamma rays, but Dr. Banner, pictured below, says there is no real concern that it will cause any undue effects here on Earth.

"The sun is usually not a very bright source in gamma rays," said Dr. Banner. "We don't detect the sun on a daily basis. Especially when it's night. On the other hand, on March 7, the sky looked completely different. It was bright, kinda like day, and it was freakin' awesome!"

And in Sporting News

Buzzardbait's AAAAAAAA baseball team, The Fighting Woodchucks, sound more like the Whining Woodchucks after the rest of their 2012 season was cancelled due to lack of interest.

Owner and coach, Gotum "Woody" Johnson, says that the remainder of the 2012 season has been cancelled due to the lack of fans at the games. "Last season, we sold at least 20 tickets per game, making just enough money on beer sales to pay the players. But this year, the players outnumber the fans 3 to 1!"

Perhaps it has something to do with the rise in beer prices from 25 cents to $4.50 that keeps the fans away.

One former fan lamented, "Last season, no matter how badly the Woodchucks played, you could count on cheap beer to get you through the game, but now they went and jacked the price up so high that people can't afford to get drunk while the team sucks on the field."

True, the Woodchucks have an 0 - 25 record, but it's not all their fault. Mostly the teams they have been playing are made up on very good players and most are younger too, which makes a difference. The last home game, the Dragons of Hooter Heights Elementary School clobbered the Woodchucks, 23-0, and that was the least scoring any team made against the Woodchucks all season. The highest scoring game, 117-1, was called due to darkness after the Poon Point Pandas scored the impressive 117 in the first inning.

So, the Woodchucks season will be shortened considerably this year, but undaunted, Coach Johnson says. "Maybe next year, we can get momentum going and draw the fans back to the park. Otherwise, I'm gonna lose my ass and have to find a real job!"

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

The Final Countdown continues - 2 Editions to go! 

The Curious Urinal - Saturday 6/16/2012

Special Saturday Edition

Area Business Owner Offers Help
By Staff Reporter Anita Mann

Local Business Owner, Hojo Hasses, Owner of Hojo's House of Imported Crapola No One Can Afford, is offering area businesses help. In this time of Recession, high unemployment, and a workforce that is less than stellar, Hojo Hasses says he can increase anyone's business and profit margins by following his 18 Step Method in sales.

Hojo Hasses began, "First, here are 6 General Rules to live by:"

1. Never Belittle the Customer!
He or she should never be called 'Scum-sucking morons!' Even though they may look that way to you. Most customers do not like this.

2. What is you Product Worth?
Do you think your product is worth the Gross National Product of Iceland? If so, don't take one penny less! Make the customer pay in cash, and tip you at least 25%!

3. Be Prepared to Answer Objections.
Even though you have dealt with every detail of your product, and why the customer should buy it, some people will find excuses not to buy.  The answer is simple: If they have any objections to buying your product, shoot them in their kneecaps and tell them, "Buy it, or I'll shoot off your balls!" This only works with male customers though.

4. Be Positive!
Don't be a wimp! If you have to get down on your knees and grovel for the sale, then you'll get dirty knees.

5. Never Apologize for the Price.
You should tell the customer, "You should be glad that I don't charge you double, you sniveling little dog!"

6. Is Price the Real Objection?
Or is it only the fact that you smell like a landfill, and your face looks like a rotten pizza? Regular bathing is fundamental!

Justifying Price

1. Your Product vs. Brand X
Is your product worth the outlandish price you expect them to pay? If not, sell it to them anyway and tell them to never return to your store again!

2. Construction
This needn't involve a bunch of fifty-cent words that no one knows, unless you just want to sound brilliant. But think about this: if you were brilliant, why are you in retail sales?


3. Selection
Do you have more than one item in your store? Yes? Then you can brag about the elephantine selection in which to choose from. If not, you might want to brag about the fact that the one item you sell is so perfect that you felt it unnecessary to sell anything else.

4. Fresh Merchandise
Is the product you sell new? Or is it a leftover from the Hoover Administration?  Let's hope you're not in the wholesale meat business!

5. Functional Value
Do you have the right product for the customers needs and dollars? If not, sell them something they can use. Like maybe a commemorative lemon rind decoration kit.

6. Is You Product Tough
Can you beat the hell out of your customer with it? Will it fall apart at high speeds? Will it break ten minutes after the customer purchases it? If so, you may need a celebrity spokesperson to sell it for you. Anything with a star athlete's name sells, and who cares if it's worth the money. One day it might be worth a dollar in a yard sale of flea market.

7. Take Pride in Your Product
If your selling abortion equipment, tell the customer that the product will not only terminate a pregnancy, but it can also make nice Julienne Fries!

8. Is Your Product Healthy For Your Customer?
Tell the customer that if they don't buy your product, then their health won't matter much, because the authorities will never find the body!

9. Better Materials
tell the customer that the product was made from the best materials known to mankind. Whether it was made of some kind of gooey leftovers from a nuclear waste dump or not, you sell only the best gooey leftovers from the nuclear wast dump... So there!

10. Quality
Tell the customer that your product will be around long after they are gone. If placed into a landfill, it will outlast  even the disposable diapers that will hang around for ten-thousand years.

11. Sell Reputation
Tell the customer that the company that manufactures your products has a reputation of firing its employees three days before retirement, and that they also have a reputation for using small animals and children in bizarre lab experiments and satanic rituals.

12. Guarantees
This is very important. Tell the customer that your product will stand the test of time. Only when they walk out of the door with the product will time expire!


And in Medical News:

Here's a message for all you men out there who thought you were healthy. Where once all you had to worry about were issues like Prostrate Cancer, jock itch and the occasional STD, now comes really bad news.

It's called MGDS, or Male Genitalia Denotative Syndrome.

This is when the penis swells up and then explodes (Talk about having a flaming orgasm). This new health scare comes to us men in the form of a virus, where the penile glandular system begins to become inflamed; then swelling into a massive, throbbing, semi-erect mass that, if left untreated, will split the skin and send man-meat flying.

If you have MGDS, do not touch your penis if you have been in contact with the following: Dust, dirt, grime, grease, stagnant water, cows, sheep (mainly all farm animals for sexual pleasure). Also, do not attempt to have contact with the following: Women, men, children, pets or any kind of farming machinery, heavy equipment, and the occasional cornhole game.

But there is a treatment already available.

You will need to be completely alone for the treatment. You will need the following items: Any kind of lotion (containing aloe) and moist towelettes.

Treatment is as follows: Apply a liberal portion of lotion onto the affected area and rub in a back and forth manner until a gooey discharge begins to spew forth. This process should be repeated several times a day until the infection is completely removed from the penis.

If left untreated, the virus will spread to other vital organs, like the testes, causing those organs to swell and explode as well. And it will be just as painful and permanently fatal.

Repeat treatment until such time that the swelling is gone and you feel the need for a nap.

So guys, I suggest you self-test to make sure you don't have MGDS. It only takes a few minutes, and this could result in a happy, healthy penis.

This Special Edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Penguin Balls

Another great product from

CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)

Buzzardbait, KY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Counting Down Until The End Of
The Curious Urinal
3

The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/8/2012

Idaho Bans Vodka Over Name
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

A few weeks ago, we reported on Alabama banning beer due to controversial naming of a certain brand. Now, it's Idaho's turn to ban a brand of Vodka. The vodka in question, Five Wives Vodka, apparently isn't welcomed in the state of Idaho. With a 25% Mormon population, stores operated by the state of Idaho will not be selling that particular brand, as it was deemed offensive, regulators said.

The mid-priced vodka is made by Ogden's Own Distillery in Utah, where the Mormon church is based. Its label carries the name and an image of five women, an  reference to polygamy, a practice abandoned by the church more than a century ago.

The Idaho State Liquor Division administrator, who wishes to remain anonymous, but is named Earl Troutface, said the brand is offensive to Mormons who make up over a quarter of Idaho's population.

But wait... Now it's getting interesting!

Idaho has reversed its decision to ban the 5 Wives Vodka, due in part to a lawsuit that was directed toward the states Alcohol Board for discrimination and First Amendment Rights violation. So now, Idaho will sell Five Wives Vodka.

But Idaho is banning the same beer that Alabama banned weeks ago, citing that the offensive names did not reflect their desire to keep the drunks in the state free from offensive names.

Alabama and Idaho have now banned Fat Bastard Beer, brewed in Michigan, from their store shelves, due to its name.

And, here at home, the powers that be in Ammo County have jumped on the bandwagon of banning certain beers and liquors due to their names.

The following beers can no longer be purchased in Ammo County:  Fat Whanker Lager, Smelly Bear Ass Beer, Old Piss Beer, Jock Strap Sqeezin's Beer, Floppy Titty Stout Ale, Bullsh*t Beer, Co**sucker Cream Ale, You Effing Bitch Beer, Gonad Sweat Stout, and our personal favorite, Eat Sh*t and Die Lite Beer.

These can no longer be sold in Buzzardbait, Hooter Heights, or any other county-approved retail outlet, bar, or restaurant. Also added to the list are imported favorites, Smelly Pus*y Beer, Fu*kin' Asshole Dark Ale, and my personal favorite, Bitch, Get Me a Beer Cream Ale."

However, Schitt's Beer is still available everywhere alcohol is sold, due to an agreement with Schitt's Brewery, made back in the early, late  mid-century, commonly know to the locals as the 20th Century.

Proponents of these popular beers are protesting the decision made by Ammo County leaders as both unwarranted, and uninformed.

A law suit, filed through the law firm of Findem, Suem, and Skrewem, based in Buzzardbait, hopes to resolve this issue as soon as possible.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Are you depressed?

Sick?

Tired?

Sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Are you looking to lose weight?

Get some much needed sleep?

Then Corpseidia  may be exactly what you're looking for.

Corpsedia - The All-Purpose Pill!

Caution: Corpsedia may not be right for you!

The following can and will happen while taking Corpsedia -

Slowed Heart Rate

Shortness of Breath

Anal Bleeding

Bleeding of the Eyeballs, Ear Canals and Nose

Hairy Tongue

Rapid Discharge of the Bowels

Complete and Sudden Death

Dry Mouth

Ask your doctor if Corpsedia is right for you.

Corpsedia is another product of CCCoA
(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)
Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 6/1/2012

Is The Zombie Apocalypse Upon Us?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Miami, Florida, the fun and sun capital of the world... And now apparently the home of honest to goodness zombies?

A naked man savagely bit the face and eyes of another man during an attack in Miami last weekend has been identified. Police sources told The Curious Urinal that the accused was 31-year-old Rudy Eugene.

According to his former wife, Eugene had a history of violence. The ex-wife, who was not named, said the pair had a short-lived marriage that lasted a year and a half.

"I wouldn't say he had [a] mental problem but he always felt like people was against him ... No one was for him, everyone was against him." She then added, "I knew there was trouble in the marriage when one morning I woke up and found him gnawing on my arm." Then she said, "A few days later, I woke up to discover that part of my leg had been eaten. But the last straw was when I woke up and he was nibbling on my earlobe. And my ear was in his hands. I said 'Gemme my ear back!' but he just growled and went on chewing. I hobbled out of bed and left his ass right then and there!" She left the marriage because Eugene had been violent, and apparently hungry, and she had not been in contact with him for the past three years. They filed for divorce in 2007.

Eugene was shot dead Saturday afternoon by police who arrived at the scene on the off-ramp of the MacArthur Causeway where he was seen taking bites out of another man's face.

As an officer drew his gun and called for an end to the attack, he "just stood ... with pieces of flesh in his mouth and he growled," an eyewitness  told The Curious Urinal.

According to the eyewitness, a cop fired one shot at Eugene, but he continued chewing, and going "mmmmmmm." The officer fired again and hit Eugene several more times before he was killed.

It remains unclear why the attacker pounced on his victim, who police theorized might have been homeless and laying down when the assault began.

Police told The Curious Urinal that they believe Eugene had likely overdosed on a new potent form of LSD.

"What's happening is whenever we see that a person has taken all of his clothes off and has become violent, it's indicative of this excited delirium that's caused by an overdose of drugs," said a police officer, who wished to remain anonymous for fear that the zombies would attack him next. "What's happening is inside their body their organs are burning up alive." The police officer added, "They begin craving human flesh, and think they're zombies. We just can't have that kind of thing here in Miami, especially during tourists season!"

The victim remains in critical condition at Jackson Memorial Hospital. Seventy-five to 80 percent of his face was reportedly missing.

We called the Buzzardbait Office for Zombie Apocalyptic Affairs to ask if they could comment on the case. They had no official comment, but did say, "We're keeping our guns loaded, just in case!"

In Other News
Teen solves 300-year-old mathematical riddle

By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

A 16-year-old German teen has become the first person to solve a mathematical problem posed by Sir Isaac Newton more than 300 years ago.

Shouryya Ray worked out how to calculate exactly the path of a projectile under gravity and subject to air resistance, The (London) Sunday Times reported.

The Indian-born teen said he solved the problem that had stumped mathematicians for centuries while working on a school project.
Ray won a research award for his efforts and has been labeled a genius by the German media.

Meanwhile, here in Buzzardbait, a 16 year old teen solved a complicated riddle that no one else had before. Butch 'Limpie' Dykerson discovered how many licks it took to get the the center of a Tootie Pop. After a week of licking the candy, he reached the center. In all, it took 16,203 licks to get to the center, a feat never before mastered. His prize will be a free Slurper from Haji's Quicky Mart and a dozen suckers from Cox's Candy Store.

When asked what he was most excited about getting, Butch replied, "I like Slurpers, but Cox Suckers are my favorite!"

In other news around the area

Local Blues Singer, Milo Days, will be appearing at the Strikes and Suds Bowling Lanes this weekend. His show, called The Milo Days Blues Revue, will be in the bowling alley's lounge. He will perform two shows per night. Tickets go on sale tomorrow. They will cost $10 each in advance, or $7.50 at the door on the days of the show.

Also, Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats will be performing at the Strikes and Suds the following weekend. Tickets will be given away by WBZZ Radio, 895 on you’re A.M. dial.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:














Looking for a bottled water that is All-Natural? Looking for a bottled water that has the great taste of the outdoors? Looking for a bottled water that tastes as good as it's name? Then look no further.


Try Duckwizz Bottled Water.
It's Natures Finest!

Bottled by Schitts Brewing Company, Buzzardbait, KY

WARNING:

Bottled from real lake water where duck frequent and often urinate.

The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/25/2012

SPECIAL MEMORIAL DAY EDITION

Memorial Day Weekend is Here -
Picnics and Parades on To Do Lists
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Buzzardbait is preparing for its big Memorial Day Weekend with a huge two block yard sale, a parade, and fireworks in the park.

First up - Poon Point residents are gearing up for their second annual Block Yard Sale, only this year there will be two blocks of crap for sale by residents desperate to get rid of their junk for rent money, gas money, and beer money for the weekend.

Secondly - Buzzardbaits' annual Memorial Day Parade, held on the Saturday before Memorial Day, always draws huge crowds. Last year set an attendance record, as 47 people lined Main Street to see the float, the Buzzardbait High Marching Band (all six of them), several horses and riders from the Hooter Heights Dude Ranch, and Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, who was the Master of Ceremonies. This year, there is supposed to be a surprise float entry, and maybe someone to clean-up the horse crap too!

Then, Saturday night, the big Buzzardbait fireworks display takes place at 9:30. This year, as opposed to last year, there will be almost $49 worth of fireworks used. Last year's paltry $15 display consisted of as handful of sparklers and one M-80. Promoters say this year will be the best fireworks display yet!

And finally, a big Thank You goes out to our men and women in uniform, who keep us free and fight for others to be free all around the world. Some gave all, all gave some, and we all should be grateful for their service to this nation!


President Narrowly Avoids Defeat in Primaries
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

It would seem that President Obama has some stiff competition in now Three Primaries as of late. First, two weeks ago, a convicted felon, Keith Judd, who is serving time in a Texas Federal Prison, took a large percentage of votes in West Virginia, earning 41 percent of the vote. Now, Arkansas and Kentucky have also been unkind to the president.

"Uncommitted" took a major share of the votes this past Tuesday in the  Kentucky Primary, and in the Arkansas primary, a lawyer from Tennessee took a large chunk of the votes. Is this a sign that the president is struggling in Southern states?

In the Arkansas primary, attorney John Wolfe Jr., took 42 percent of the vote, compared to 58 percent for Obama. Meanwhile, in Kentucky, 42 percent of registered Democrats voted "uncommitted," compared to 58 percent for the president, according to official results.

Is this a sign of weakness in the Democratic Party? Or perhaps voters are tired of what Washington DC has to offer? Either way, come November, the president may have to be calling 3 Dudes and a Pick-up Truck to begin the daunting task of moving his belongings out of the White House.

Want Ads

The following are actual want ads from The Curious Urinal.

Wanted: Ten well dressed and hard-working individuals for door to door sales. The last 10 people were not well dressed, nor hard-working. In fact, they really sucked at the job, causing us to lose business, making the jobs for the 10 people we do hire even harder. Long days of walking, talking, and carrying heavy boxes of goods will be in store for you. We do not want you to be hanging out with your friends, texting, drinking beer, or sleeping while you are working for us, like the last bunch of idiots did. Good pay for those who qualify. If you have applied here before and were not called, please do not apply again, as we didn't hire you for a reason. This a commission only sales job. You will not be paid for your job unless you sell something. So don't ask for gas money, bus fare, or an advance so you can go to the mall and buy some decent clothes.

Apply in person at: 
Richard Heads House of Unwanted Magazines            
5th and Main, Buzzardbait, KY
Between the hours of 10 and 10:15  a.m. on Mondays only.

We will not accept applications before or after this time, so don't ask. We get pretty sick and tired of telling people that we only take applications on Mondays between 10 and 10:15 a.m. If you can't read the sign that's clearly posted, then odds are you cannot read, or you're just too stupid to understand plain English! Geez, how hard is it for you people to understand the rules? Are you that freakin' stupid? If so, we don't want or need you to apply.
__________________________

Help, we're swamped!
Three Dudes and a Pick-up Truck is currently looking for at least 3 more people and at least one with another pick-up truck (or moving van) who have strong backs and knows when to keep their mouths shut. We just want you to move furniture, not display your speaking abilities. We pay weekly, unless we have a really bad month, then it could be monthly.
Apply at:
3 Dudes and a Pick-up Truck
on the corner of 5th and Main.
Buzzardbait, KY.

___________________________

Margie's House of Ill Repute is looking for 5 women to run their newest Cat House in Hooter Heights. No experience needed, will train. Located near Big Al's Titty Emporium, behind the Hooter Heights Truck Stop. Get paid to be on your back all day! Apply in person, no phone calls please.

Margie's House of Ill Repute
Where the customer comes first!

__________________________

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Next time your kids ask, "Hey Mom... What's for breakfast?"

How about you saying, "A big honking bowl of Monkey Nuts!"

Monkey Nuts Cereal...

Taste as great as its name!

Monkey Nuts Cereal is another great product from CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)

Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/18/2012

Fireworks Light up Buzzardbait
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Last night was just an ordinary night for Buzzardbait. Softball games in the park; walking the dog down the street; an explosion that created mayhem.

Buzzardbait Big Bang Fireworks and Bait Shop had just opened their tent to the public for the Memorial Day/Fourth of July fireworks buyers when the unthinkable happened. Sitting out in the furthest parking area near Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, Buzzardbait Big Band Fireworks and Bait Shop opened to much hoopla. Music filled the air as several shoppers were pulling up to see what the fireworks store had for sale.

But in an instant, chaos rained down from the sky.

Someone tossed a careless cigarette from their car window as they passed the tent. The wind caught it just right and carried it into the tent, where it came to rest on a table full of M-80's and Roman candles.

The resulting explosion rocked the area. neighbors a mile away reported feeling, then hearing the explosion. Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, reported that he was sitting at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand when the explosion took place. "Suddenly, the entire area lit up, and the noise was deafening. Stuff began falling from the sky. It was a mess!"

Owner Sid "Pyro" Mania reported that his entire inventory, estimated to be nearly $60,000 in fireworks, went up in smoke. Along with the fireworks being lost, over a thousand worms lost their lives in the blast. Mr. Mania has no plans to reopen his business.


Buzzardbait Library Offers Summer Reading Program
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Buzzardbait Library and Moose Lodge has listed several books for avid readers to enjoy this summer. The following is a partial list of those books:


Hare in my Mouth - By Adolph Oliver Busch : The story of a man, a woman, a rabbit, and a barn in the middle of a windstorm in 1890's Kansas.

Dutch Oven - By Ima Gaggen : The tale of two men discovering gas in 1850's Oklahoma.

On Golden River - By I.P. Freeley : Set in California during the Gold Rush years, our hero must cross a mighty river to reap his reward.

Antlers in the Treetops - By Whogoose D. Moose - A hunting trip turns into a nightmare for a group of friends in 1930's Alaska.

Fishing for Lung Oysters - By Hugo Hockaloogie - The tale of three fishermen in post Civil War Alabama.

Tales of The White Swallow - By Ima Cummins -  The tragic story of a little bird that fell from the sky, only to be crushed to death by an eighteen wheeler in post apocalyptic New Jersey.

Making Home Movies for Profit - By Peter Grippenhand - The autobiographical story of how a young director lost his mind, but finally managed to get a firm grasp on himself in Hollywood.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Remember kids - There's a toy surprise in each and every box of Monkey Nuts Cereal! This time, we have 25 different versions of real, fake, artificial, faux Monkey Poop.

Collect them all!

Monkey Nuts Cereal - Another fine product of CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)

Buzzardbait, KY.