The Curious Urinal - Christmas Edition 12/23/2011

To everyone: I wish you a very Merry Christmas, a very Happy Hanukkah, and remember... There's just 363 more shopping days until the end of the world (according to the Mayan Calender). Just a reminder that we all need to run up our charge cards, forget the bills --- Kinda like Washington DC does --- and enjoy! Just sayin'!


And now, for something completely different...

The Naughty Night Before Christmas

(By Anonymous)

'Twas the night before Xmas and all through the house
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse
Grandma and Grandpa were out like a light
Two winos in the alley were having a fight
Ma, home from the cat house, and me out of jail
Had just crawled into bed for a nice piece of tail
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter


Away to the window I flew like a flash
Slipped on a rubber and fell on my ass
The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow
Gave a whorehouse-like luster to the objects below


When what to my blood shot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer
With a little old driver a scratchin' his balls
I knew in a moment, it must be Santa Clause


Slower than snails his reindeer they came
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name
"Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the walls
Hurry up, dammit, or I'll cut out your balls."


Then up to the roof he stumbled and fell
And came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
He staggered and stomped and went to the door
And tracked reindeer shit all over the floor.

He tossed out some goodies under the tree
He lit up a smoke and looked 'round at me
He shook his head and coughed in a fit
Saying, "I'm getting too old for this shit!"

Then up the chimney he went in a flash
Back up on the roof, he fell on his ass
Back in his sled, he called to the reindeer
"Come on, dammit, let's get the hell outta here!" 
And I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight:
"Merry Christmas to all, damn, what a night!"


This will be the last Curious Urinal edition for 2011.
We'll be going on hiatus until January, 2012.

Merry Christmas, and

Happy New Year

from

The Curious Urinal!

The Curious Urinal - Friday 12/16/11

Cucumbers Too Sexy for Women?
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Leave it to those crazy Muslim clerics to come up with yet another stupid idea!

An Islamic cleric living in Europe has reportedly warned Muslim women not to get too close to bananas, cucumbers or other produce -- to avoid having “sexual thoughts.”

The unnamed cleric, whose directive was featured in an article in a religious publication, said that if women wanted to eat these foods, a third party  (preferably a male, such as their father or husband) should cut the items into small pieces before serving.

Carrots and zucchini also were added to the alleged cleric's list of forbidden foods for women.

With this in mind, the obvious question is this: If Muslim women cannot shop for vegetables because it may spark sexual desire, then what if men get turned on cantaloupes or other melons? Should the women choose those and cut them up in little pieces before serving?

This is exactly why the Muslim world still parties like is 799 B.C.

In Other News:

With Christmas quickly approaching, we at The Curious Urinal have been asked by the Mayor and the City Council to make the following statement on their behalf.

Dear citizens, and others in Ammo County,

 We are asking that whoever is stealing the Christmas trees and decorations placed in front of the courthouse to please stop. We are tired of running to WallyWorld every other day to replace the items you idiots are stealing!

Also, to the non-believers currently living in Ammo County, just because you don't believe in Christ or God, and wish to force your beliefs down the throats of everyone else, doesn't mean that everyone else wishes to hear about it! Keep your opinions to yourself and we'll all get along just fine!

We here in Ammo County are carrying on a tradition--- decorating for the Christmas season--- that was started long before you were ever thought of, and will be continued long after your sorry carcasses have deteriorated to worm food. If you don't like how we do things in Ammo County, you do have the option to move your worthless arses to Lousyville!

There will be no Atheists banners placed on county property, saying that religion is a myth, and Christ wasn't our Savior. And it will not be mixed into the traditional holiday fare just because you want to ruin Christmas for everyone.

Just because you don't believe in Heaven, Hell, God, or any other deity, doesn't mean that the vast majority of Ammo County residents agrees with you. In fact, considering the complaints we are receiving from other residents, most of the City Council have decided to take a vote to condemn your homes, and turn the properties into parking lots!  You may petition the City Council all you wish, but you will not ruin Christmas for everyone else! We hope Santa Clause puts lumps of dog doo in your non-traditional holiday stockings, and sets it ablaze!

If you don't believe, fine! The rest of us do, and we outnumber you 1000-1! So, if you wish to continue bugging the City Council about placing your banners on county property, then we will be forced to come to your house and plaster religious materials all over your property. See if you like it then!

Furthermore, if we catch the idiot that spray painted the side of the police department's office, you will be in plenty of trouble! Graffiti is a crime in Ammo County! If you want to display your artwork, buy a canvass and place it on there. You will truly suffer for your art when you are spending the next 10 years in prison for defacing public property.

Also, it has come to our attention that the County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closeoff, is on vacation over the holiday season. So, would the woman calling his office, saying that she is having his love child, kindly refrain from calling until after the first of the year when Mr. Closeoff will be back in his office, and can answer his own phone!

And finally, seeing how the Occupy Buzzardbait protesters (all four of them) are using the restroom at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, Big Dick is asking that the protesters please flush the toilets after usage! The smell of piles of unflushed fecal matter is overpowering the staff and patrons of the restaurant. Big Dick is allowing you to use those facilities to keep you from standing in front of his restaurant. If you keep using the restrooms and not flushing, then Big Dick is going to stick you with the clean-up bill, and fumigation charges.

Sincerely, the Mayor of Buzzardbait, the County Judge of Ammo County, and the City Council.

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The Curious Urinal - Friday 12/9/2011

9 Year Old Suspended For Sexual Harassment
By Staff Reporter Willie Whacks

A 9-year-old boy Buzzardbait boy was suspended for calling a teacher “cute,” WBZZTV.com reports.The boy’s mother said the principal of Buzzardbait Elementary called her after the incident to say the comment was a form of “sexual harassment.”

"It's not like he went up to the teacher and tried to grope her." the mother, who wishes to remain anonymous, but whose name is Candy Leatherthong, said. "So why would he be suspended for two days? He called the woman cute, not cun... Well, I think this is just stupid!”

According to the station, Anita Realjobb, the new principal of Buzzardbait Elementary, said she could not go into detail, but said the boy was suspended for "inappropriate behavior" after making "inappropriate statements" to the teacher. The teacher, feminist nutjob Anne Polelicker, who up until a week ago was the Buzzardbait Elementary principal before being demoted for stupidity, declined to be interviewed, but said in a statement: This little boy is an example of why men are dogs and why I prefer the company of women!

The boy, Little Billy Leatherthong, stated to reporters, "I just said she was cute. I didn't know she was a dyke! It's a good thing I didn't call her a bitch!"


And in Other News

Company Party 101

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

So, this time of year offers up holiday cheer in the form of office parties all over the nation. We here at The Curious Urinal want to help you with some do's and don't's at the Christmas Office Party.

The invitation may say "party," but that doesn’t mean you should act like a wild, naked savage, especially with upper-level managers present. Employees should enjoy the party, but nor act like a drunken sot in front of the bosses.

So, before you hit the dance floor and try your hand at break dancing, or drink too many beers and vomit on your bosses shoes, here are some helpful tips for what employees should and should not do at this year's holiday office party:

DON'T: Skip the party. Dress your ass up and go, no matter if you hate company functions. That means that even if you don’t like your colleagues or bosses, because they are a bunch of sniveling dogs, you still need to show up.

DO: Decide if you will drink ahead of time. If you decide to drink, don't overdo it. One or two beers or a mixed drink is far better than sucking the keg dry and passing the hat for a beer run.

DON'T: Over consume…anything. Whether its food, alcohol or people, make sure you are enjoying every aspect of the party in moderation. While you may love the shrimp cocktail or the Jack Daniels, stuffing your pockets with food for later, or grabbing the bottle from the bartender and chucking a fifth down and belching loudly isn't going to win you any raises the following year.
In other words, don't graze the buffet line or bar!

DO: Make proper introductions. If you are bringing a date or spouse to the holiday party, be sure you are properly introducing him or her to your bosses and colleagues. Don't say, this here's my main squeeze, or this is my bitch for the night. And ladies, don't introduce you date or husband as the sperm donor for your kids. That might not sound good to the boss.

DON'T: Talk gossip, politics or religion. No matter who you are talking to at the party, keep conversation light. Staying away from hot-button issues is a must, and be sure to steer clear of office gossip. Also, don't talk about your 'roids, your goiter, your dry socket, or the size of your scrot!

DO: Put away your phone. A holiday party gathering is no place to be sexting, playing Angry Birds, or having a conversation about the assholes you work with while in their company.

DON'T: Try to take pictures up the skirts of your female colleagues, especially if their husbands are present. This tends to stop parties dead in their tracks, as  fist fights ensue.

DO: Say thank you. Thank your bosses for the party, even if you hate their guts and wish they would burn in hell for all eternity. Also tip the wait staff as they are working hard for the money.

DON'T: Place a wait staff's tip under a upturned glass of water. Even if they messed-up your dinner order, that is no reason to act like a jerk and flip them off as you leave the party.

DO: Dress appropriately. Dress in a conservative manner. It's not a time to dress like a hooker and shake your booty. A nice suit or dress is far better than a halter top and Daisy Dukes.


We hope these tips help you during the holiday season.


This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

The Curious Urinal - Friday 12/2/2011

Talk About a Potty Mouth!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Have you bought the new 'Play and Giggle Doll,' which are sold exclusively at Toys B Like Us stores? Well, they are causing concern with some customers, who say the doll can be heard emitting a phrase that apparently contains a curse word.

Customers who were shown the baby doll at the Buzzardbait Toys B Like Us had mixed reactions on what the doll in question was saying.

"I think it said 'how you doing, witch?'' one female shopper said.

'It sounded like 'how you doing, bitch?' to me!'" another lady said.

Then the doll said, "Play with me, asshole!"

"Did that doll just call me an asshole?" The first woman asked.

"Yes, asshole, it did!" The other woman said.

Then the fight was on. As the women fought in the parking lot, the doll began chanting, "Bash the bitches head in, asshole!"

I put the doll down and began walking away quickly.

The doll said, "Come back here, you woosy!"

I later returned to the store and purchased the latest 'Tickle Me Again Elmer' doll. The latest version of the beloved Tickle Me Elmer line apparently says, "Tickle me one more time and I'll bitch slap your little pansy ass!"

"I think that's just so adorable!" A woman replied. "I wish I had that one!"

Another shopper said, "The last one was so annoying, I used it as a dog toy. My neighbors dog really loved it."

"So that's why my dog died! You killed it!"

Then the fight was on. Elmer began chanting, "Kill em! Kill em all!" And laughed in a maniacal tone. Horns began sprouting from its fuzzy head, and I dropped it and began running away quickly.

Elmer said, "Come back here, you woosy!"


Reporters note: Needless to say, two fights later, I'm giving out gift cards for Christmas this year!


And in Other Local News:

Have you ever walk by a Hooters and thought, "This place is just cheap thrills for men. Why do men want to waste so much time in there?" Well, here in Buzzardbait, people are wondering the same thing -- only this time, it's women who are flocking to a Hooters-style restaurant catering to those who like men.

Peckers opened up its doors last week, and is already a hit with the local women.

Anita Mann, local real estate agent, spent about $200 on the house specialty, Chicken Thingies, and a pitcher of Schitts Beer. "This place is a dream come true for women! Scantly clad men, all muscled-up, and shiny with oil, serving up the food and drink with a smile, and a Speedo!"

And just like the Hooters staff, these waiters use their charm (and good looks) to garner tips and marriage proposals. 

But local feminist, and grade school teacher, Donita Mann (Anita's Sister) disagrees with the entire spectacle. "If they really think that I'm going to spend a dime in this place, they must be crazy!" She abruptly left her sister with the check ($200 plus tip) and drove away. But Anita didn't mind at all. "See that stud over there, Raul? He's taking me all the way... Home... Later." She giggled and blushed.

And even the men can enjoy this place. Dougie Dume (pronounced do-me) said, "Oh, this place is fabulous! I just love the food, and the atmosphere is just so dreamy. Hi Raul!" Dougie smiled. "He's such a flirt!"

So if you're in Buzzardbait, drop by Peckers and see what the buzz is all about.

Peckers is located at Fifth and Main in Downtown Buzzardbait, across the street from Erma's Massage Parlor and Enema Emporium.


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The Curious Urinal - 11/24/2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

Note: The staff and management of The Curious Urinal are off today, enjoying the holiday with their families--- feeding their faces (stuffing their bellies with turkey, and all manners of foods and spirits, all the while watching parades and football on TV)--- the janitor will be working to make sure that this Special Edition gets published.

Since this is a Special Thanksgiving Edition of The Curious Urinal, we'd like to tell you the Real Story of how Thanksgiving was first celebrated.

The First Thanksgiving (Revised Edition)


It was the last Thursday in November when a bunch of Pilgrims came together and decided to have a feast.

But before I tell you that part of the story, I should talk about what led up to that particular day.

History tells us that the Pilgrims landed upon Plymouth Rock and they nearly starved until some Indians (Native Americans since Political Correctness came along) saved their collective bacon. And in thanks for the Indians help, the Pilgrims prepared a big feast for them.

But the mostly true and untold story is this:

It was a cold day in the spring when the Mayflower came ambling along and, in a fog, crash landed against this big rock that jutted up from the shoreline. On that rock was scrawled some strange writing, that was translated much later by some Indians.

When the Pilgrims crossed the Atlantic Ocean and arrived in the New World, they had no money, no food, and hardly enough brains between them to figure out how to read a map. Had they read the map correctly, they would have arrived in Sunny Florida near Miami. But Captain John Q. Public of the Mayflower was laying drunk below deck when the miscalculation occurred. The pilot of the ship at that hour, Biff Rongway, was holding the poorly drawn map upside down, and steered the ship north instead of south.

Rongway crash landed the ship into the big rock and everyone aboard, with exception of Captain Public, came out of their cabins expecting sunny weather and a nice hotel room awaiting them. Things weren’t looking good at that point. So, the Pilgrims decided that since the boat was now taking on water, they would abandon it and hope to find shelter around them. All they found was desolation. The vast forest was unsuitable for much of anything except for beavers and the occasional mountain lion that came along and ate someone.

The summer wasn’t much better for the Pilgrims. They wandered aimlessly, foraging for berries and wild game. They had stiff competition from bears, and the mountain lions as well. Pretty soon, nearly half of the Pilgrims were dead and the other half wanting refunds for the ill-fated cruise they had undertaken.

Captain John Q. Public, who was now out of booze, and hardly accommodating to anyone, decided that he would take charge of the situation and go find a gas station somewhere close by so that they could get someone to come repair the ship. He was never heard from again… For at least three days. When he returned, he brought with him several Indians that began helping these new people to hunt and fish and skin mountain lions and bears for food, and to make coats for the harsh winters they would have to endure.

And one of the Indians, Sitting Duck, translated the scrawling on the big rock that the ship has crashed into. It read:

Caution - Big rock… Don’t run into.

And below the warning was another message:

Looking for parts for a ’53 Plymouth. Send smoke signals to Soggy Beaver.

And thus, it became known as Plymouth Rock.

Meanwhile, as the Pilgrims learned to adapt to their new found surroundings, Haji Hockalugi opened up the world’s first convenience store. It was called 5/9. But since he liked to sleep in, he changed the hours to 7/11.

And thanks to the Indians, the Pilgrims survived the next winter much easier than their first one. The Indians had shown them how to build a fire.

So, that next fall, after the first harvests of corn, beans, lemon beets and tobacco-flavored cumquats, the Pilgrims decided to have a feast. It was the last Thursday in November. Soggy Beaver had acquired the parts he needed for the ‘53 Plymouth, so he and a bunch of his Indian friends drove to the encampment to eat with the Pilgrims, seeing that the 7/11 was closed due to lack of Slurpee ingredients... Well, that and Haji Hockalugi overslept again.

On the way, they ran over a wild turkey and stopped to pick it up, bringing it to the feast. And it was a good thing, since fishing had not been good that day. So, the bird was dropped into a vat of grease and was served with the rest of the harvest.

Thus, the turkey (regardless if it was road kill or not) was established as the meat of choice on Thanksgiving Day.

And that is the true story of Thanksgiving… Well, all except for the parts that you’ve never heard before.

Have a safe and

Happy Thanksgiving

from The Curious Urinal.

The Curious Urinal - 11/18/2011

Researchers Find What Women Want From Men!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

For countless years, eons even, there has been but one eternal question that has haunted mankind: What makes a woman happy? Well, after years of painstaking research, the scientists of The University of Buzzardbait have finally found the answer.

After interviewing 100 local women, and cross-referencing their findings, a team of researchers came up with the following results. And they may surprise you!

Believe it or not, it's the little things that make women happy.


Time: Of all the things women want, it's the time with their spouse that makes them the happiest. The  majority of women interviewed say that getting 30 minutes of uninterrupted time with their husbands each day is what they desire. No more, no less. One woman interviewed stated, "When me an my old man have sex, it's 20 minutes of him drooling over my boobs, three minutes of actual sex, and seven minutes of him talking about what a stud he is. After that, he's snoring like a buzz saw and I pull out my trusty dildo and make myself happy!"

Appreciation: It seems that women want to be appreciated by their mates. Nearly 60% of all women said that they felt under-appreciated by their husbands. The other 40% could care less, since they are having affairs with Raul, the pool boy, down at the Buzzardbait Y.

Understanding:  Women want their men to understand them. One woman who was interviewed said, "Men don’t have a clue! We pour our hearts out and they stare at the TV, watching Football, Nascar, or Roller Derby. They have no clue that we've had bad days, and want to talk incessantly about our feelings! The men don't listen! They suck! I just don't understand them!"

Fun: Of the interviewed women, nearly 75 % stated that there is no fun in their relationships. One woman pointed out, "Would it be too hard for a man to want to take me out for dinner, a movie, and maybe some shopping at the mall? But no! They want to hope in the sack, get their jollies, and I have to listen to them bitch about their jobs, their lives, and about seeing their buddies down at Big Al's Titty Emporium."

Job/Money: It is too much to ask that a man actually has a job, earns a paycheck, and then bring that money home to their awaiting wives? According to a majority in the interviews, that is a concern. One woman spoke out, saying, "If he has a job, a car, and maybe a nice life, I want to be a part of that. Then I can change him into a little sniveling little jellyfish, make him want to work overtime to keep from coming home, so he'll make more money for me to spend!"

Also, there was research involved about what men want. After interviewing 100 men, the conclusion the Buzzardbait University researchers found was unanimous:

Boobs and Beer! And not necessarily in that order.

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The Curious Urinal  11/11/2011

It's Veterans Day!

Today is Veterans Day. Yesterday, November 10th, was the Marine Corps 236th birthday. Happy belated birthday, Marine Corp... Semper Fi!

And THANK YOU to all of the vets out there that have served this country with your lives, your fortunes, and your sacred honor! You are very much appreciated!


And now, without further ado... It's time for:

Letters to the Editor

From time to time, we here at The Curious Urinal like to open the old mail bag to see what our readers are thinking. Here are just a few:

Dear Editor,
WTF? Your recently posted an article on a Buzzardbait man with a scrotum that weighs 150 pounds. In the story, you say the man must be half nuts. So, if he's 300 pounds, with a 150 pound scrotum, then he could be considered half nuts. You posted that he was 150 pounds before the accident and now has doubled his weight due to the enlarged scrotum... Wait, I'm sorry, you were right. He would be half nuts!

Herbert Cypher, Mathematics Teacher, Buzzardbait High School.

Dear Mr. Cypher,
We're glad you figured it out. Best of luck with teaching math to your students.


Dear Curious Urinal,
Recently, you ran an article about Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries getting a divorce. Can you tell me if the future Ms. Kardashian would like to go out with a successful blues musician for fun and sex. I can bring the Dingleberry Wine, and she can bring those big ol' floppers of hers and we could have us a party. If so, can you forward my address and phone number to her so that we can hook up.

Milo Days, Buzzardbait, KY

Hey Milo. Unfortunately, we do not have a direct line of communications with Ms. Kardashian, but we're sure that if you were to call her agent, maybe they can get you two crazy kids hooked up.


Hey Editor,
You ran a story about the teacher that wants to ban holidays. What's up with that?

I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights

Hello there, I.M.
Well, Anne Polelicker is the principal at Buzzardbait Elementary School. And yes, she wishes to ban celebrating Thanksgiving, Halloween and other holidays. Polelicker, originally from California, is a worrisome woman who scares us. With people like that teaching our children, the more we need to worry about our children growing up to be mind-numbed robots that are easily led into banning Football, Basketball and Full-contact Bowling.

And Finally,


Dear Curious Urinal,
I simply love your site! It makes me laugh when I'm feeling blue, and make me forget about all of the problems I have. In fact, I get excited every time I read your stuff. Keep up the great work so I can keep it up too!
Dixie Wrecked, Coldtower, KY

Dear Dixie,
Thanks for the compliment. And we hope you keep it up for a long time!


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The Curious Urinal - 11/4/2011

Kim Ditching Kris Causes Chaos!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Okay, so the headline is a bit misleading, but the aftermath of the story that follows could have ramifications that cause the earth to tilt sideways, and dogs and cats to eat the Occupy Wall Street crowd... Wait, maybe that would be a good thing!

Just ten short weeks ago, there was a lavish $10 million dollar, made-for-TV wedding that took place. And less than a month after the wedding aired on TV, reality starlet-wannabe Kim Kardashian is divorcing NBA player Kris Humphries.

The "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" star filed for divorce Monday, citing irreconcilable differences. "I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision," she said in a statement. "I had hoped this marriage was forever but sometimes things don't work out as planned. Besides, he sucks in bed and snores louder than I do!"

Kardashian, 31, and Humphries, 26, were married Aug. 20 in a star-studded, black-tie ceremony at an exclusive estate in California. They were lavished with expensive gifts, many of which came from some of the most exclusive stores on Rodeo Drive. "She plans on selling them on Ebay," says an insider in the Karsashian camp.

Kris Humphries, speaking to a celebrity news site, said he was "devastated" to learn his bride had filed for divorce and is "willing to do whatever it takes to make it work." He added, "I might even let my teammates take turns with her if it will make her happy!"

Kim Kardashian and Humphries began dating late last year and announced their engagement in May. He proposed on bended knee with a 20.5-carat ring by spelling out "Will you marry me?" in rose petals.

Karsashian sent papers to Humphries saying, "I want a divorce!" scrawled in crayons.

But the short marriage is hardly a record. There are a few other short-lived marriages vying for that title. Here are just a few:

Dennis Hopper and Michelle Phillips comes to mind. Mr. Hopper was already notorious for his often rocky relationships with women (he was married five times). Among those unions: One with Michelle Phillips, which lasted only two weeks.

Then there was Elizabeth Taylor and Nicky Hilton. In 1950, at the tender age of 18 years old, Elizabeth Taylor married hotel heir Conrad "Nicky" Hilton. It was the first and shortest of her eight marriages. It only lasted nine months.

Of course, there was Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. "And to think, they said it wouldn't last," said Jackson as he planted an very unconvincing kiss on his new bride at the 1994 VMA Awards. Their sham of a marriage lasted 20 months.

And who could forget the Drew Barrymore and Tom Green union? The "Charlie's Angels" star wed Green in July 2001; Green filed for divorce five months later. It was the second short marriage for Barrymore, who was wed to bartender Jeremy Thomas for six weeks in 1994. She obviously had marriage ADHD.

Oh, least we forget the Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander marriage.
Britney Spears stunned her fans with her impulsive Vegas marriage to her childhood friend, Alexander, in Jan. 2004. The union was annulled after 55 hours. The sex must have not been so great.

And right here in Buzzardbait, a possible record was set when Dorthy Bumhumper married her next door neighbor, Howard "Bumpy" Bushwhacker, at the Poon Point Trailer Park, after a whirlwind 15-minute romance. After a brief 8-minute honeymoon in the back of a 1969 Chevy Van, Bumhumper filed for an immediate divorce from Bushwhacker.

Ain't love grand?

And in Space News:

YU55 Set To Barely Miss Earth

First the Space Shuttle is scraped, then the Moon Mission is placed on ice, now another space disaster is coming our way.  On November 8th, a massive ball of rock and chemicals named 2005 YU55 will pass within 202,000 miles of Earth.

In this NASA photo above, you can see the asteroid heading to earth. Or, it could be a grainy photo of Bruce Willis' head, shot from behind, in a dark room.

The large, aircraft carrier-sized mass of rock and ice will be clearly visible from the surface, as it will look like a large Roman Candle passing between the Earth and Moon. Or perhaps like a ball of blubber on fire... Or maybe a huge mass of ear wax that someone shot from a straw and sprayed lighter fluid on and lit it with a butane lighter. I think you get the point.

Scientists are fairly certain that YU55 doesn't pose much risk to Earth, for at  least the next 100 years anyway.  The next time a large asteroid will pass by the planet will be in 2028. That one, said a noted scientist, who wishes to remain anonymous, says that particular asteroid will be the size of Manhattan Island, have the mass of Michael Moore, and slam into the Earth at 600,000 miles an hour... Maybe?

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Monkey Nuts!"

The Curious Urinal - 10/28/2011

LOCAL MAN HAS BIZARRE
MEDICAL CONDITION
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

A Buzzardbait man has a rare condition. His scrotum has swollen to more than 150 pounds.

Won Hung Lo, born in China, moved to America when he was a small boy with his parents. His parents died in a tragic blender accident, leaving Won to grow up in the Buzzardbait Home for Unwanted Children. Upon leaving the home at age 18, Won Hung Lo went to work in the kitchen of Sven Jorgensen's Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet as a sushi chef/busboy.

With his love of food and the tutelage of Sven Jorgensen, Won Hung Lo became a highly respected member of the community.

But all of that changed overnight.

After a tragic accident involving a walk-in freezer door, Won Hung Lo developed a problem that has kept him indoors and away from work for going on two years.

The 150 pound Lo doubled his weight overnight. His scrotum had swollen to 150 pounds and looked like a sack of watermelons that dangled between his legs.

Since Won Hung Lo will not allow himself to be seen in public in this condition, The Curious Urinal decided to call upon the poor man on the phone.

He explained that while attempting to close the freezer door at the restaurant, he inadvertently closed the door on his testicles, causing him extreme pain.

When I asked him how he was handling his self-imposed exile from the outside world, he stated, "It makes me a little crazy!"

Whereas I replied, "I bet your half nuts!"

Won Hung Lo needs $1,000,000 to have an operation to reduce the size of his scrotum, and the plastic surgery to make him appear normal again.

Donations are being accepted at Sven Jorgensen's Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet for the Won Hung Lo Swollen Scrotum Fund.


In Music News

For those of you that love show tunes,

Zombie Pizzeria - The Musical

has released a greatest Hits CD

Set in an Italian Pizzeria in post-apocalyptic New York, Zombie Pizzeria - The Musical looks at life, and the afterlife, with humor, song, and a heaping helping of Pepperoni, Brains and Blood!

This Classic Broadway Musical was cut short by the economy (and lack of interest), but the fantastic music can now be yours on CD.

Who could forget these timeless classics?

Circle of Afterlife  (To the tune of Circle of Life)
Zombies Ate My Neighbors (To the tune of Gemme 3 Steps)
I Should Have Ate Their Brains (To the tune of I Should Have Danced All Night)
Zombies Keep Gnawing on My Head (To the tune of Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head)
That's a Zombie (To the tune of That's Amore)
And the show stopper -
Everybody Runs From Zombies Sometime (To the tune of Everybody Loves Sombody Sometime)

These classic musical numbers can be yours from Buzzardbait Records Ltd.
Just send $9.99 plus $5 Shipping and Handling to:

Zombie Pizzeria - The Musical
1234 Way Up on the 2nd Floor
Buzzardbait, KY

Please wait for 6-8 weeks for delivery

This Edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Tres Equis

Buzzardbait Brewing Company - Buzzardbait, KY

And finally

It's here!

All three of the Star Wars
Movies are parodied in
one book.
Catch it on Kindle
at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_8?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=starr+warped&sprefix=Starr+Wa

The Curious Urinal  - 10/21/2011


Local Teacher Wants To Ban Holidays
By Staff Reporter Willie Whacker

Anne Polelicker, a principal at Buzzardbait Elementary School, sent an email to teachers, warning them about celebrating Thanksgiving, Halloween and other holidays. Polelicker, originally from California, stated that Thanksgiving celebrated the annihilation of Native Americans. Halloween glorified witchcraft, and that Christmas was a Pagan ritual in which people were thrown into lava pits to please the gods.

"I hate the holidays! They represent the worst of mankind!" Polelicker stated to The Curious Urinal over the phone.

"But what about the children, who look forward to these holidays?" I asked.

"Screw their fun! This is about getting back at all of those bad things we have done to people throughout the centuries," she replied.

"So, Arbor Day is bad too?" I asked.

"We cut down trees for wood and paper, so yes, it's a bad holiday!" Polelicker claimed.

"What about the Fourth of July?"

She replied, "We came here and wiped out the Native Americans so we can shoot of fireworks, so it has to go!"

Then I asked, "What about Labor Day?"

Principal Polelicker responded, "Labor means work, and work means death, and death kills people, so it needs to go too!"

"Did you celebrate these holidays when you were a child?" I asked.

"Yes, but when I was young, I was ignorant of the atrocities that Christopher Columbus committed against the indigenous peoples, and that Halloween was all about witches and ghouls. Or that Christmas celebrated a make-believe god who wore a red suit and was fat... I mean weight-challenged."

Okay, one last question. "How about we get rid of all the holidays, except for Kwanzaa, and Ramadan, force people to work everyday, without a day off, and then just educate the children that life sucks, then you die... Would that be acceptable to you?"

She replied, "As long as it doesn't apply to me, I'd be for it!"

"That's what I thought!" I replied.

The call ended and I realized that this woman is a nutcase. She needs to go back to Californication and live in a commune with other nutcases that have no clue about enjoying their lives without wanting to screw everyone else out of their enjoyment. Yes, America is going to the crapper in a hurry, and with people like this teaching out children, it wont be long in coming! Let’s not take political correctness to the extreme. Let kids be kids and enjoy their childhood years. God knows that once they become adults, they have to deal with idiots like Polelicker on a regular basis!


 
A Curious Urinal Special Feature:
Dating Advice for Singles
By Dr. Phillip 'Buster' Hyman, OBGYN

Can you believe that people have trouble dating in today's world of Twitter, MySpace, Facebook and texting? Imagine, so many people out there cannot find dates with all of the people out there in social media. It turns out that no matter the bravado someone has in texting, they may be shy in real life.

Well, we at The Curious Urinal would like to help.

Here are a few pieces of advice that those shy singles need to follow in order to date successfully in modern America.

1. Talk to the opposite sex like they are your friends, not dates

This is probably the most important piece of advice anyone can give you. Don't treat your date like dates. Especially on that all-important first date. Treat your date as if you've known them all of your life. Tell them anything. For example:

Guys - Tell your date about the last five women you wanted to ask out, but that pesky bout of VD you had kept you from doing so.

Gals - Tell that man how you've been cramping and bloating because you have had a really bad case of PMS, and you want to take it out on someone!

2. I am a: Man/Woman Seeking a: Man/Woman for:

With all of the dating sites and social media, it's really easy to find that special someone. Just place an ad. For example:

Guys - Male seeking female for sex/orgies/snuff films. Only blondes/ brunettes/ redheads with big bazoombas need apply. No bald chicks!

Gals - Woman seeking man. Not just any old man, but one that will wine and dine me, buy be clothes, take me on lavish vacations, and listen to me whine when I'm PMSing.

3. Take advantage of your friends

This one is really important. If your friend has a nicer car than you do, borrow it. Or maybe they have a nicer house or apartment than you do. Don't be afraid to tell your date that you actually own it and charging a small fortune for rent it to those slob friends of yours. Sometimes it's the little lies that add up to a fun night later.

4. Don't expect too much

Let's face it, our expectations can get the best of us.

Guys - Don't expect to score on the first date... Unless you rent a hooker. But by the second date, you should be scoring early and often! But beware, some ladies will balk and have you arrested for trying to attack them. If this happens, make sure you have a good lawyer standing by.

Gals - Make sure and control your moods when PMSing. Assault and battery charges are not what you want on your dating resume. Keeping a good lawyer on call is always a good idea if you happen to slip up and bash your date's skull in because you're retaining water.

5. Set your goals low

Instead of trying to date that beautiful woman/ handsome man you've had your eyes on for some time, why not ask the ugly chick/dude that you work with to go out. Odds are, he/she will be more willing to put out, and you can always role play and ask him/her to wear the George Clooney/Brittney Spears mask.

6. See your shyness in a positive light

Guys- Better yet, buy an inflatable doll and pretend you're dating Drew Berrymore.

Gals - Stay home, rent a Brad Pitt movie, and have extra batteries handy!

7. Be aware of your body language

Guys - Don't slouch, sit up straight.

Always keep your hands folded upon the table, not under the table (especially if your arms seem jerky).

Try not to drool in excess.

Maintain eye contact (do not stare at her cleavage - and get caught doing so).

Gals - Avoid staring at the crotch and/or wallet area.

Make sure to shave your pits.

Keep a toothpick handy to get the spinach from between your teeth after dinner (pick your teeth in the bathroom, not in front of your date!).

8. Here are some general rules to go by:

Do not pick your nose in front of your date. If you do, down chew it thereafter.

Do not scratch your butt, your crotch, or pop the pimple on your chin/nose during the date. That can wait till later!

Do not take your shoes and socks off and trim your toenails at the dinner table.

Do not try to light your farts to impress your dates.


Follow these basic rules and you can have a successful date.


This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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Attorneys at Law

At the corner of Fifth and Main in

Downtown Buzzardbait, KY

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The Curious Urinal  10/14/2011

Country Singer Still Making Waves!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

What's this world coming to?  A week after his theme song was pulled from "Monday Night Football" Hank Williams Jr. is still making the rounds on news shows, talking about the incident. The free publicity has been great for Williams.


As most everyone in America now knows by now, Williams sparked an uproar when he appeared on the Fox News Channel show "Fox & Friends" on October 3. There, he stated that the Obama's pairing with Republican House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner in a June golf summit was "like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu." (Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu).

He also referred to Obama and Vice President Joe Biden as "the enemy." That same day, ESPN publicly rebuked Williams, dropping his "All My Rowdy Friends" song as the opening theme for its weekly "Monday Night Football" broadcast.

Hank has since lashed out at the media with a song called "Keep the Change."

Later, Williams issued a statement saying he was sorry to anyone who took offense, but that the analogy he used wasn't quite what he had meant to say in the first place. He meant to say that Obama golfing with Boehner "was like having sex with a billy goat with rabies." Or maybe "like stuffing porcupines in your britches with a Garden Weasel." Or perhaps, "eating a crap sandwich at a Hooters."

He went on to add, "I should have said, 'It's like kissing your grandma, and slippin' her the tongue!'" He stopped, shook his head, and said, "Maybe I should just keep my analogies to myself and sing my little songs!"

Wise words, Hank... Wise words indeed!


In Local News:
 
Screamin' Sidney Snark, deejay and reporter for WBZZ -AM 1340,  was arrested in downtown Hooter Heights Wednesday night, after doing a lousy job, while being the MC at Big Al's Titty Emporium's Annual Charity Strip-A-Thon.
 
Snark, who does the Morning Sickness in the Afternoon drive time show (from 3 to 6 p.m.) was arrested for mooning the audience after making a bad joke about one of the strippers. Needless to say, the audience was not amused. The incident occurred after Candy Glitterlick, who was walking off stage, bent over to collect some dollar bills that were tossed her way during her act.
That was when Snark, who weighs 475 pounds, "showed his ass in more ways than one," said Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, who was the arresting officer.

A witness to the crime, Carl Cornhumper, said, "It wasn't a pleasant thing to witness. Those pimples on his lard ass looked like a bad case of the measles on a beached albino whale!"
 
Snark will still be doing his show from 3 - 6 p.m. Monday thru Friday, but he will be doing it from his jail cell. That should prove to be entertaining radio.
 
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Dingleberry Wine's Newest Flavor - Cool Purple Haze!

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Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal 10/7/2011

Chris Christie, Sarah Palin Rule Out 2012 Presidential Runs
By Staff Reporter Willie Whacker

Well, it's official. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, this past Tuesday, declared, "Now is not my time, seriously!" Letting everyone know that he would indeed not be running for president in 2012.

The New Jersey governor, after denying for months that he had any serious interest in running, used a press conference in Trenton to further extinguish any  speculation as to his interest in the race. He said the answer, "was never anything but 'no.' Seriously, it never has been!" He also acknowledged that he and his family had been compelled to "seriously rethink" that stance in recent weeks given the seriously intense pressure on the governor to throw his hat in the ring.

Meanwhile, Wednesday night, Sarah Palin finally decided to not run for president. Almost immediately thereafter, left-wing bloggers were laid-off all over the country, and MSNBC's dismal ratings moved further south. They now have three viewers.

And update on this story.
Chris Christie held another press conference on Wednesday, after Sarah Palin's announcement, to confirm that after more serious thought, he is still not running for president in 2012!

Occupy Wall Street Meets Occupy Buzzardbait!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Right now, even as you read this article, there are people who continue their protests against corporate America.

Protesters from Occupy Buzzardbait camped out in Buzzardbait Park and Water Treatment Plant overnight.

Police were keeping an eye on the group for hours last night, but eventually decided to let them camp out even though they did not have a permit to do so.

Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police laughed, saying, "Look at these pathetic excuses for human beings. If any of these slackers can stand the stench of this place, let them camp out and protest. Hell, they deserve whatever they breathe in!"

Earlier in the day as many as 4 people took part in the protests.

Emily Mushead of Hooter Heights is one of the protesters. She said, "Rich people suck!"

Tom Slacker is another protester, who added, "We want rich people to pay their fair share!"

When asked how much they paid in taxes, Suzie Poosey said, Taxes? Like who really pays taxes? I thought the president had like a stash of cash and just spent it, like, for stuff."

When I suggested that people who actually work for a living paid taxes, the fourth protester, Jimmy Worthless of Poon Point added, "I don't got no job, and don't want one either, man!"

These kids are our future. God help us!

This just in:

Chris Christie held another press conference Thursday to confirm that after more serious thought, he is still not running for president in 2012!


In Other News

Cat House Karaoke?

Smokey, the adorable kitten, sang a couple of tunes last night in the Strike and Suds Karaoke Contest. The cat won over the crowd, singing a cover of Jim Croce's Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, and a heartfelt rendition of Baby Got Back!

Smokey won the contest and $50.

In addition to winning the contest, Smokey won over the heart of a woman... Who snatched the cat up and ran out the door.

Mildred Dorkpounder, with her husband, Hansel, who disappeared shortly after she opened her first restaurant, Fried Dork on a Stick!

The catnapper was none other than Mildred Dorkpounder of Hooter Heights, who recently opened a restaurant called, Fried Cat on a Stick! She eluded the police for hours. Finally, Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, located Mrs. Dorkpounder... Just after she had deep-fried Kitty on a stick, and was using the stick to pick her teeth.

Since there was no evidence, other than some fur and bones, Mildred Dorkpounder was released from custody.

The disappearance of her husband, Hansel, is still a mystery. Mildred Dorkpounder said that Hansel had left her for some quiet time at Big Al's Titty Emporium, and has been missing now for three years. Buzzardbait Police still have no clues, other than some old clothing and bones they found behind the restaurant.

In a related story, several cats have come up missing in recent days. Ammo County Animal Control officers noticed the cat population had dwindled as of late, but they have no idea what has happened to them.

This Just In...

Chris Christie held another press conference late last night to confirm he is still seriously not running for president in 2012! Seriously!


This edition of The Curious Urinal was brought to you by:

                        

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Penguin Balls are a trademark of Consolidated Cybernetics Corp. of America

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This just in:

Chris Christie is seriously planning yet another  press conference for Sunday morning to confirm his confirmation that after more seriously serious thought, he is seriously still not seriously running for president in 2012! And he's serious about it this time!

The Curious Urinal  9/30/2011

Kentucky Governors Race Heating Up
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

The tightly contested race for the governor's mansion was turned up a notch today as a late arrival entered the race.

Current Kentucky Governor, Steve Brassear (D) thumbed his nose at the newcomer, saying that he didn't have a chance, and that he would not debate him, or anyone else. David Willnot (R) and Gatewood Hambreath (I) both laughed at the newcomer, saying he had no chance of winning.

But Will Doolittle (I) was stoic when he said, "We already have a do-nothing governor with Brassear, and Willnot and Hambreath haven't got a clue how to fix the mess Brassear and his minions have gotten the state into!"

When asked, Doolittle explained his platform. "I'll leave everything alone and let it work itself out."

When we pressed him, he explained his entire platform.

"As far as taxes go, I'll not raise them, or I'll not lower them. In regards to unemployment, the people who are unemployed need to find a job. That will solve the unemployment crisis in the state. People on welfare and other entitlements will have to find jobs or have nothing. We don't have the money for such nonsense!"

When I asked how he'd repair the highways and build the bridges that the state so desperately needs, he replied, "I'll leave that to the transportation department to do. That's their job!"

I asked about the state union employees, who collectively have over a billion dollars in uncompensated retirement funds, he replied, "So? Let them worry about their own retirement plans. That's not the job of the governor."

When pressed about the seriousness of cronyism in state government, Will Doolittle stated, "I intend to let it run its course until the problem fixes itself."

When asked about the commercial that he is currently running on TV and radio, he said, "I think the ad speaks for itself."

So, we'll transcribe the ad for you, our readers, to see if you'd vote for Will Doolittle for Governor.

(This is the official transcript for the ad)

"Hi, I'm Will Doolittle, and I'm running for governor. Are you tired of Frankfort being a place where horse millionaires and freeloaders run the state? Are you tired of deadbeats mooching off of your hard-earned dollars? Are you sick and tired of being taxed to death and getting precious little for your tax dollars?

Then you should vote for me, Will Doolittle.

I promise not to screw the state up any worse that it already is. I promise not to give myself big raises and spend your money without regard to how much I want stuff. I think the governor's mansion should be filled with golden faucets and platinum sinks, and as governor, I'll do what I can to make sure it happens!

I need a job, and you should send someone to Frankfort that wants a job, not some crook that just wants to steal your money and have sex with your children's pet dog.

Are you tired of people that are secretly filled with graft and corruption? I'll be open and honest about my graft and corruption!

You need a strong governor, someone that can lift 50 pounds repeatedly for at least three reps. You want a governor that can do five sit-ups before he needs a fifteen minute break to catch his breath. You need someone that won't spend a dime more than he can lift from the state coffers.

And I'm that man!

I'm not some Lousyville lawyer or Lexingthong horse trader... I'm from Buzzardbait, where men are men, women are women, and most of the people bathe every Saturday night, whether they need it on not!

You don't deserve being secretly ripped-off every time you pay your taxes to the state. I want you to know where every dollar you pay in taxes actually goes... And I'll be the one to make sure you pay your taxes for good stuff... Like high-def TV's and fast cars for state employees; not wasting your money on casino's and booze like I could. I'll stay away from places like that, unless they are having strippers and half-priced drinks, then I'll see you there. 

I'm Will Doolittle, and I want to be your governor!

Paid for by Will Doolittle for Governor, Will Doolittle's wife, treasurer.

(End transcript).

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Drink All-Natural Duckwizz Bottled Water

Remember: If you're drinking any other bottled water, you're not drinking Duckwizz!

Schitts Brewing Company

Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal 9/23/2011


English Language Officially Designated Inferior by News Source

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Granted, the English language is probably the hardest language to understand in the world. Conjunctions, verbs and adverbs, nouns and pronouns and past participles sometimes makes even the most fluent in English scratch their heads with wonder.

So, I am sitting at my desk --- minding my own business  --- when the boss tossed this headline upon my desk. He complained that Yahoo News is a laughing stock. He said, "They must hire half-trained monkeys and children raised in the jungle as writers and copy editors!"

Well, looking at the headline, I scratched my head, wondering exactly what the headline meant. Here is for your perusal:

Jagger unsure if the Stones of an anniversary tour (actual headline from Yahoo.com News - 9/20/2011)

With this headline, one has to wonder if Mick Jagger is taking speaking lessons from Keith Richards, or that the writers and copy editors at Yahoo are just starting to realize that English is just too hard to get right. So, in the spirit of lampooning Yahoo’s writers and editors, The Curious Urinal has decided to butcher the story based upon the headline.


Mick Jagger unsure if of what he and band mates fellow tour. Charlie Watts was 50th anniversary tour is Jagger and Richards looked at schedule of bus and decided to tour of which.
50 years after, notwithstanding rumors and fans, Jagger cut a record tour as they decide if to when. Why? Know not sure, if Watts and Richards rocking chair tour if Jagger did does too.


Did you understand that? We didn’t either, but if you did, you have been hanging out in Keith Richards bloodstream for far too long.




NASA Satellite Falls to Earth, Pieces Land in Buzzardbait
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Supposedly, there was a 1 in 22 trillion chance (or 1 in 3,200 depending on whom you asked) of any debris hitting anyone on Earth when the NASA satellite, the UARS....Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, began falling from space (it was slated to fall between Thursday and Saturday). The school bus-sized satellite would enter the atmosphere, and break into pieces. Most of it would burn up in the atmosphere, with the bulk of the debris falling into the ocean. But apparently not all of it did.


Rufus Bumfuzzle of Hooter Heights was in Buzzardbait this morning, stopping at Bizby’s Feed and Seed to get a 50 pound bag of oats for his horse, Bessy, when a large chunk of metal came screaming from the heavens and hit him on the shoulder. Feeling the impact, Mr. Bumfuzzle at first thought it was a bumble bee trying to attack him. He spotted something on the ground by his feet. It was something he had never seen before in his 59 years of life. Bending to pick the twisted metal object from the ground, Mr. Bumfuzzle realized that this particular piece of twisted metal had come from space. The quarter-sized chunk quickly entered his coverall's pocket.


Mr. Bumfuzzle went on to purchase his oats and then hopped in his '57 Dodge pick-up truck, and headed to the one person he knew that could verify his find. He took the twisted piece of metal to Buzzardbait's top scientist, Dr. Wilfred Wizbanger, Buzzardbait High School's 10th grade Science Teacher, Bumfuzzle watched patiently as Dr. Wizbanger placed the item under his microscope and declared, "Yep, it's a piece of twisted metal alright! It could have fallen from space, or it could be something that fell off an old Mercury station wagon."


Rufus Bumfuzzle has decided to keep the item, even though it may be radioactive and dangerous to human life. "Heck, my old lady is caustic and dangerous to be around when she had a snootful of whiskey, so this will be nuthin'!"


There's no word from NASA as of now if they will come and take the piece of space junk away from Mr. Bumfuzzle, but he warns, "Let em come try and take my little prize, and I'll give 'em a double barrel load of rock salt!"

Photo of the Day

President Obama raises his hand when someone asked, "Who wants to see President Obama get four more years in office?"

Most of the people in the picture just laughed, except for the man who had his face covered by Obama's hand. He mumbled, “Where's the Birth Certificate?”



  
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
 
 

DINGLEBERRY WINE

Your friends at Dingleberry Wine remind you to drink as much as you can, then drink a little more, because there's always room for

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The Curious Urinal – 9/16/2011

POST OFFICE IN $$$ TROUBLE  --- SEEKS IDEAS

By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

The U.S. Postal Service, which is struggling to cut costs and conserve cash, said on Thursday that it wants to end overnight delivery of letters and postcards, and will be looking into other cost-cutting measures.

The USPS, which lost more than $3 billion last quarter, has said it must downsize drastically or will be forced to stop delivering mail by the end of next summer.

Delivering First Class mail in two to three days instead of one to three days could save about $3 billion by 2015, the agency said. The change would allow it to close facilities, cut back on overnight work and eliminate about 35,000 jobs.

Asking for public input on how the US Postal Service could make or save money, several local residents have made suggestions.

Fred Hindlick, of Poon Point, suggests a change of uniforms. “Tell them haughty post office folks to dress in overalls and some work boots like us farmers and they could save some dang money! Instead of those fancy Post Offices buggies they drive, put em on tractors and they could plow some while delivering all that crap they call mail!”

Connie Linguist, of Hooter Heights made a suggestion. She said, “If they would stop sending a ton of junk mail, they could save millions of trees and millions of gallons of gas at the same time! How many pieces of junk mail have I had to throw away when they could simply stop delivering it and save money, gas and time!”

Big Al (Big Al’s Titty Emporium) suggested: “Hey, make the mail carriers go topless and do pole dances for tips. That might bring in a few bucks... Unless they use really fat guys and ugly ones too!”

And Anita Mann, of Buzzardbait, had a great suggestion, “Tell them to stop bringing all them bills they brung to my house last week and they won’t be wasting all that money. They can charge them billing companies triple to actually deliver them bills to someone that’s got a dang job and some money!”


And in Other Local News

Local Author/Publisher of The Curious Urinal, Dewaine Shoulders, announces the release of his latest epic masterpiece (Okay, so it’s neither epic or a masterpiece, but it’s a book, okay!). The Starr Warped Trilogy has been released for the Kindle. Of course, you don’t have to own a Kindle to read the book, as you can download the program straight to your PC or Laptop.

Here is the link to preview the latest book from our publisher:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_7?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=dewaine+shoulders&sprefix=Dewaine

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

 He doesn't always drink beer,

 but when he does,

it's usually in a hospital bed.