From the pages of The Curious Urinal
The Friday Interview:
Ian Hocum - Stellar Scientist.
By staff reporter Juan Motyme.
We here at The Curious Urinal were excited when NASA gave a press conference yesterday in Washington about an amazing discovery. Since The Curious Urinal couldn't obtain press credentials (because we aren't a real newspaper - the gall of some of those people), we looked for any scientist willing to sit down with us. After several attempts, we secured an exclusive interview with noted scientist and star mapper, Ian Hocum.
CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.
IH: It's my pleasure.
CU: So, you have a really big announcement to make?
IH: Yes I do. If you consider how many stars are in the universe, and that is approximately 300 sextillion, then you can deduce from there..."
CU: Three hundred sextillion?
IH: Yes, that's 300 with 21 zeros behind it.
CU: That's a lot of stars!
IH: It certainly is.
CU: Sorry, do go on.
IH: As I was saying, with 300 sextillion stars in the universe, then can deduce from there that looking for life on a planet orbiting any one of those stars would be almost incalculable.
CU: I bet so!
IH: So, some fellow scientists decided that they would do a study out in California...
CU: Let me guess... San Francisco?
IH: No, but I know what you're thinking. Actually it was Mono Lake, where they discovered that a bug will grow in the presence of the toxic chemical arsenic when only slight traces of phosphorous are present.
CU: Interesting... I think.
IH: Very. But what's more interesting is that they have determined that Titan, the largest moon of Saturn, may have life on it based upon these findings in California!
CU: WOW!
IH: Wow is right. If the findings prove accurate, then we will have truly discovered alien life outside of planet Earth. There could also be life abundant on Mars or Europa, a moon of Jupiter. It's very exciting news!
CU: Could Pluto have ice men like The X-Men?
IH: Probably not. Again, we are talking about bacteria. Microbes wouldn't constitute ice men.
CU: So, in other words, microbes instead of ET's, right?
IH: Uh, yes.
CU: That just sucks!
IH: Well, I know, many people want there to be some cute alien that comes down here and eats Reece's Pieces, but honestly the best we can hope to find for now is microbes, yes.
CU: No little green men with little radio antennae sticking out of their heads?
IH: No.
CU: No pod people?
IH: Not as such, no.
CU: No mindless zombies that wander aimlessly while sucking the brains out of humans?
IH: That would be liberals, and again it's not likely outside of Earth.
CU: Well, why the hell am I wasting my time talking to you then?
IH: Because no one else would talk to a reporter from The Curious Urinal!
CU: Good point.
IH: You see, this is a huge breakthrough. It changes the probabilities for their being life on other planets. The possibilities for finding life, especially the primordial kind, are now even greater than we ever thought possible.
CU: But no Klingons? No Vulcans? No fish people with big, bulbous eyes that help blow up Death Stars?
IH: Sorry about that, but the probabilities at this point are pretty slim for aliens like that to be found.
CU: In that case, I suppose this interview is over.
IH: But we still have a lot to talk about!
CU: Does it involve alien spacecraft landing on Earth with ray guns shooting everything in sight and Slim Whitman records?
IH: Huh?
CU: Never mind. Have a great day.
Well, the answer is out there still. We just have to find the right people to ask, is all.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
More from the pages of The Curious Urinal
Authorities Find Nothing Suspicious After Evacuating Lousyville International Airport
LOUSYVILLE, Ky. -- Leave it to Lousyville to try to get national attention. According to inside sources, Sid the bomb-sniffing police dog sniffed out a suspicious package and that caused the entire airport to be shut down Wednesday morning. After a frantic call to police, the police bomb experts found nothing suspicious after Sid reacted to a pallet at a remote cargo facility at Lousyville International Airport.
"It turned out to be Bacon Strips that were being sent to some address in Michigan," said Terri Thumbtwiddler, representing the Lousyville Airport Authority. She went on to say that, "Sid was reacting to hunger, not a bomb!"
A Transportation Security Administration spokeswoman said that after the dog alerted officers at around 11 p.m. Tuesday, the facility was evacuated and explosives experts were brought in. She says the airport closed one runway as a precaution.
Lousyville police spokeswoman, Darla "Butch" Azkicker, said a bomb squad examined packages for about eight hours but found nothing but the bacon-flavored strips.
Sid the bomb-sniffing dog has been trained to signal if he believes he's detected explosives, but officials note an alert can be given for materials that aren't dangerous.
"Old Sid was hungry, and we fed him. So everything is good. No harm, no foul!" Terri Thumbtwiddler stated to the press. "But if he does it again, I'll shoot the dog for dragging me out of bed again!"
As a precaution, the TSA strip searched every passenger inside the airport, except for several Muslims that were allowed to pass without being checked. A representative for the TSA, who wished to go unnamed, stated, "Since we cannot profile anyone, especially those of Muslim descent, we have to make doubly sure that the rest of the passengers are searched so that we can insure the skies over the U.S. remain safe!"
Agnes Dumfounded of Lousyville took offense to being strip searched, saying afterward, "I'm 89 years old. The only way I could be a terrorist is if my angina started acting up, then I'm a bit riled up. I think next time I have to fly, I'm wearing a burqa, so I can get through security without the hassles!"
Authorities Find Nothing Suspicious After Evacuating Lousyville International Airport
LOUSYVILLE, Ky. -- Leave it to Lousyville to try to get national attention. According to inside sources, Sid the bomb-sniffing police dog sniffed out a suspicious package and that caused the entire airport to be shut down Wednesday morning. After a frantic call to police, the police bomb experts found nothing suspicious after Sid reacted to a pallet at a remote cargo facility at Lousyville International Airport.
"It turned out to be Bacon Strips that were being sent to some address in Michigan," said Terri Thumbtwiddler, representing the Lousyville Airport Authority. She went on to say that, "Sid was reacting to hunger, not a bomb!"
A Transportation Security Administration spokeswoman said that after the dog alerted officers at around 11 p.m. Tuesday, the facility was evacuated and explosives experts were brought in. She says the airport closed one runway as a precaution.
Lousyville police spokeswoman, Darla "Butch" Azkicker, said a bomb squad examined packages for about eight hours but found nothing but the bacon-flavored strips.
Sid the bomb-sniffing dog has been trained to signal if he believes he's detected explosives, but officials note an alert can be given for materials that aren't dangerous.
"Old Sid was hungry, and we fed him. So everything is good. No harm, no foul!" Terri Thumbtwiddler stated to the press. "But if he does it again, I'll shoot the dog for dragging me out of bed again!"
As a precaution, the TSA strip searched every passenger inside the airport, except for several Muslims that were allowed to pass without being checked. A representative for the TSA, who wished to go unnamed, stated, "Since we cannot profile anyone, especially those of Muslim descent, we have to make doubly sure that the rest of the passengers are searched so that we can insure the skies over the U.S. remain safe!"
Agnes Dumfounded of Lousyville took offense to being strip searched, saying afterward, "I'm 89 years old. The only way I could be a terrorist is if my angina started acting up, then I'm a bit riled up. I think next time I have to fly, I'm wearing a burqa, so I can get through security without the hassles!"
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The end of an era in Buzzardbait
For years, the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub has been a part of the community. Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger have tried to keep up with the latest trends over the years. They were first in the area to sell Pet Rocks. Then there was Disco Dancing, Slam Dancing (that ended after the first night as several patrons ended up in the local hospital). And they had a brief foray in punk country. Cleaning up the broken beer bottles proves more costly than actual beer sales and that ended within a few weeks. Then came Roller Boogie... But that went out of fashion fast as the space was too small for roller skating and the plate glass windows had to be replaces too often.
And then came Karaoke. And it was a hit!
Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger then tried out Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing. That didn't work out so well, so karaoke remained whereas the flip flops were tossed away.
Well, trying to keep up with current trends, the Douschebagger's decided that on Thanksgiving, they would deep-fry turkeys. Since the weather outside was less that appealing on Thanksgiving, Phillip Douschebagger brought the 55 gallon drum of oil inside the pool hall portion of the business and lit a fire under it. The fire was contained in a large metal box that was sitting on two 4x4's upon the tan, cigarette burnt carpeting.
The front door was open to vent the smoke, so he knew that everyone would be fine. Besides, the roaring fire inside the pool hall did give off precious heat to the many patrons gathered there for the Thanksgiving feast.
When the fire was hot, and the oil bubbling, Vickie Douschebagger brought the ten turkeys on a cart that she rolled across the dance floor. Phillip carefully places the first turkey in the boiling barrel of oil and saw that it was good. Just then, the phone rang, and Vickie Douschebagger went to answer it. It seems that by the time the second turkey was carefully placed into the boiling oil, Phillip Douschebagger decided that it was safe to put more in.
Vickie Douschebagger called from behind the bar that the phone call was for Phillip, so he proceeded to heft the tray of 8 remaining turkeys and dumped them into the 55 gallon drum of cooking oil at one time.
That was his first mistake.
As he sat the tray aside and moved toward the phone, Phillip Douschbagger hadn't noticed that the oil was now pouring over the side of the barrel and oozing down toward the roaring fire. Of course, he also didn't notice the flames shooting toward the ceiling tiles. They caught fire quickly, and the entire ceiling of the pool hall/pub was engulfed.
At that very moment, Vickie Douschebagger noticed that most of the patrons were running toward the door, leaving in a hurry. Vickie grabbed the fire extinguisher and ran toward the fire while Phillip talked to his buddy, Clyde Worthleston of Hooter Heights on the cell phone. While talking on the phone, with his back to the roaring fire, Phillip Douschebagger noticed that the gas valve behind the beer cooler was slightly open.
While reaching down to grab a beer, Phillip propped the cell phone against his ear and turned the gas valve... The wrong way.
That was his second mistake.
The gas ignited and blew the front windows, and most of the patrons of the bar that were still sitting at the bar, awaiting their free Thanksgiving dinner. Vickie Douschebagger was hurled out of the open door and landed in a water puddle in the parking lot, as it was raining outside pretty steadily. She looked over to see her husband, Phillip, sitting inside the front windshield of a '71 Camero that was parked across the street. In one hand he held the cell phone, and the other he held a bottle of Schitts Beer.
By this time, the entire pool hall and pub was in flames. The pool tables,their nice green felt now a burning mass of material, burned to the ground quickly.... As did the building.
By the time the Buzzardbait Fire Department and Bait Shop arrived, there was not much left of the business but a half-burnt Schitts Beer sign, and the falling ash of the pool hall/pub. Smoke hung low in the driving rain, so it was hard to see the damage until it had burnt itself out, which the fire department allowed it to do. They couldn't get the fire hydrant opened, and decided that the rain would put out the fire for them.
Phillip Douschebagger's third and final mistake came when he finally managed to get himself free of the Camero's windshield. As he stumbled across the road, where visibility was down to near zero, he didn't see the tandem gravel truck due to the smoke-coverage.
Phillip Douschebagger was taken to Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, where he's currently in traction. Since his jaw is wired shut, he had no comment for us at this time.
Vickie Douschebagger, who suffered cuts and abrasions from the blast, decided that she was leaving Phillip after 30 years of marriage, and will join a commune somewhere in Colorado. She had no further comment on the incident.
No word if the pool hall/pub will be rebuilt.
For years, the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub has been a part of the community. Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger have tried to keep up with the latest trends over the years. They were first in the area to sell Pet Rocks. Then there was Disco Dancing, Slam Dancing (that ended after the first night as several patrons ended up in the local hospital). And they had a brief foray in punk country. Cleaning up the broken beer bottles proves more costly than actual beer sales and that ended within a few weeks. Then came Roller Boogie... But that went out of fashion fast as the space was too small for roller skating and the plate glass windows had to be replaces too often.
And then came Karaoke. And it was a hit!
Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger then tried out Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing. That didn't work out so well, so karaoke remained whereas the flip flops were tossed away.
Well, trying to keep up with current trends, the Douschebagger's decided that on Thanksgiving, they would deep-fry turkeys. Since the weather outside was less that appealing on Thanksgiving, Phillip Douschebagger brought the 55 gallon drum of oil inside the pool hall portion of the business and lit a fire under it. The fire was contained in a large metal box that was sitting on two 4x4's upon the tan, cigarette burnt carpeting.
The front door was open to vent the smoke, so he knew that everyone would be fine. Besides, the roaring fire inside the pool hall did give off precious heat to the many patrons gathered there for the Thanksgiving feast.
When the fire was hot, and the oil bubbling, Vickie Douschebagger brought the ten turkeys on a cart that she rolled across the dance floor. Phillip carefully places the first turkey in the boiling barrel of oil and saw that it was good. Just then, the phone rang, and Vickie Douschebagger went to answer it. It seems that by the time the second turkey was carefully placed into the boiling oil, Phillip Douschebagger decided that it was safe to put more in.
Vickie Douschebagger called from behind the bar that the phone call was for Phillip, so he proceeded to heft the tray of 8 remaining turkeys and dumped them into the 55 gallon drum of cooking oil at one time.
That was his first mistake.
As he sat the tray aside and moved toward the phone, Phillip Douschbagger hadn't noticed that the oil was now pouring over the side of the barrel and oozing down toward the roaring fire. Of course, he also didn't notice the flames shooting toward the ceiling tiles. They caught fire quickly, and the entire ceiling of the pool hall/pub was engulfed.
At that very moment, Vickie Douschebagger noticed that most of the patrons were running toward the door, leaving in a hurry. Vickie grabbed the fire extinguisher and ran toward the fire while Phillip talked to his buddy, Clyde Worthleston of Hooter Heights on the cell phone. While talking on the phone, with his back to the roaring fire, Phillip Douschebagger noticed that the gas valve behind the beer cooler was slightly open.
While reaching down to grab a beer, Phillip propped the cell phone against his ear and turned the gas valve... The wrong way.
That was his second mistake.
The gas ignited and blew the front windows, and most of the patrons of the bar that were still sitting at the bar, awaiting their free Thanksgiving dinner. Vickie Douschebagger was hurled out of the open door and landed in a water puddle in the parking lot, as it was raining outside pretty steadily. She looked over to see her husband, Phillip, sitting inside the front windshield of a '71 Camero that was parked across the street. In one hand he held the cell phone, and the other he held a bottle of Schitts Beer.
By this time, the entire pool hall and pub was in flames. The pool tables,their nice green felt now a burning mass of material, burned to the ground quickly.... As did the building.
By the time the Buzzardbait Fire Department and Bait Shop arrived, there was not much left of the business but a half-burnt Schitts Beer sign, and the falling ash of the pool hall/pub. Smoke hung low in the driving rain, so it was hard to see the damage until it had burnt itself out, which the fire department allowed it to do. They couldn't get the fire hydrant opened, and decided that the rain would put out the fire for them.
Phillip Douschebagger's third and final mistake came when he finally managed to get himself free of the Camero's windshield. As he stumbled across the road, where visibility was down to near zero, he didn't see the tandem gravel truck due to the smoke-coverage.
Phillip Douschebagger was taken to Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, where he's currently in traction. Since his jaw is wired shut, he had no comment for us at this time.
Vickie Douschebagger, who suffered cuts and abrasions from the blast, decided that she was leaving Phillip after 30 years of marriage, and will join a commune somewhere in Colorado. She had no further comment on the incident.
No word if the pool hall/pub will be rebuilt.
Friday, October 22, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Friday 10/22/2010
The Curious Urinal Interview -
Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama.
We here at the Curious Urinal try to bring you the best interviews with some of Hollywood’s hottest stars, controversial figures or political leaders. And today is no exception. The Curious Urinal was granted a special interview with the current and two former presidents. The following is the result of a hard-fought process to speak with the three gentlemen at once.
CU: Thank you all for agreeing to take a few minutes to talk with us.
WJC: My pleasure.
BHO: Any time.
GWB: Always good to speak to the press.
CU: Let’s cut to the chase. Mr. President, you are pushing for more and more government control over the lives of all Americans. The question is why?
BHO: I assume you are talking to me?
CU: Yes.
BHO: Uh, well, er, I wasn’t prepared to , uh, answer any questions pertaining to, uh, policy.
CU: But you can at least tell us what your agenda is pertaining to spending trillions of dollars, which has many economist baffled, by the way, to stimulate the economy?
BHO: Bill, you want to answer this one?
WJC: Sorry, you’re on your own.
BHO: Uh, well, you see, uh, it’s like, uh, I've been busy cleaning up the mess left by the previous administration...
GWB: There you go again. How many times are you going to blame me for what the democrats have been doing since 2006? And what you're doing now?
BHO: George, I believe the question was directed toward me.
CU: Well, anyone who would like to answer for you, Mr. President, would be fine.
BHO: Bill?
WJC: (Phone ringing) Sorry, Hilary is calling. (He answers the phone)
GWB: Come on, Barack. Answer the man’s question.
BHO: I’ll have to get back to you on, uh, that particular item. I’ll, have Rahm send you, uh, some propaganda... I, uh, I mean information.
WJC: (hanging up the phone) Uh oh!
CU: What’s wrong, Mr. Clinton?
WJC: Hilary just found my collection of Hustler Magazines hidden in my sock drawer. She’s pissed!
GWB: I’ve seen her pissed. It’s not a pretty sight!
WJC: Even when she’s not pissed, it’s not a pretty sight!
(laughter)
CU: Okay, getting back to my original question. President Obama, can you tell our readers why you feel it necessary to continue spending taxpayers dollars on stimulus packages, over-bloated healthcare bills and bailouts when people are simply looking to find gainful employment?
BHO: I wasn’t aware of economic questions, er, being, uh, brought up. I’ll defer to Bill.
WJC: You know, I call Hilary my anti-gravity wife.
GWB: Why’s that?
WJC: Because she’s always up in the air about something!
(laughter)
CU: Gentlemen, if we could continue with the interview.
(laughter between the presidents continues)
GWB: You know, I kept America safe after 9/11. Old Barry here can’t keep Charlie Rangel out of trouble, much less stop terrorists from entering the country.
BHO: I take, uh, offense, uh, to that!
GWB: Why are you stumbling over your words?
WJC: Because there’s no teleprompter handy for him to read.
(laughter between Clinton and Bush)
CU: Gentlemen, I have to ask about mistakes made during your administrations. What do you think was your biggest mistake?
GWB: Not getting Bin Laden!
WJC: Monica. But damn it was good!
BHO: So far, I have been too busy trying to clean up the mess left by the previous administration to make any mistakes!
GWB: You know, if you weren’t the president, I’d pop you one right on the nose for that.
WJC: Hell, Barack, you’ve spent over four times the money in a year and a half than what George did in eight years.
BHO: Uh, I, er, had to, uh...
GWB: Clean up my mess! Yes, I think everyone has heard that song and dance routine before!
WJC: (phone ringing) I have to take this. I’ll be right back.
CU: So, gentlemen, next question: When you sum up your experience as Commander in Chief, how did, or do you think you have done?
GWB: I think I instilled pride in the military. Having had some experience in the military helped me to do so.
BHO: Come on, you were in the National Guard. Your military experience means nothing.
GWB: At least I served in something besides the Socialist Party and Acorn!
BHO: And you can’t even say nuclear, much less have the intelligence to deal with nuclear treaties and dealing with rogue nations like Iran and North Korea.
GWB: If your party hadn’t blocked me at every turn, I could have dealt with that. And speaking of not being able to pronounce words, Mr. Smartypants, what the hell is Epantsapation?
WJC: Sorry, that call was important. I know what Epantsapation is! The inability to remove your pants while on the internet. Hilary saw to that!
(laughter between the presidents)
CU: Seriously, gentlemen, The country is in turmoil and needs direction. Who’s leadership would be better at this moment?
BHO: Mine!
WJC: Mine!
GWB: The two of you together couldn’t run a whore house on a slow night!
WJC: I think I might be able keep em busy!
(laughter between Bush and Clinton)
BHO: I have been dealing with the mess left from...
WJC and GWB: The previous administration!
GWB: You sound like a broken record!
WJC: I balanced the budget, So my leadership would straighten out the current mess!
GWB: You borrowed money from Social Security and fudged the books. I saw the budget, remember?
BHO: And you spent money on two wars and cut taxes for the rich!
GWB: And everything was going just fine till Nancy and the gang took over in 2006. Then all hell broke loose!
CU: Could we have a civilized discussion here?
BHO: Look, uh, I have a tee time to get to. I’ll have someone send you a picture of me and that should suffice.
WJC: And I just got a call from an old friend who wants to have some fun this afternoon. I have to go.
GWB: Well, I suppose I need to go too. I have a meeting with Jeb about maybe continuing the Bush Dynasty in 2012.
CU: So this is it? I get 5 minutes and not one straight answer?
WJC: We’re politicians. We don’t give straight answers!
BHO: Good answer!
GWB: Yeah, what they said!
A personal note: When the interview ended, I went to the bar and had a few drinks and several aspirin. My head was killing me!
The Curious Urinal Interview -
Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama.
We here at the Curious Urinal try to bring you the best interviews with some of Hollywood’s hottest stars, controversial figures or political leaders. And today is no exception. The Curious Urinal was granted a special interview with the current and two former presidents. The following is the result of a hard-fought process to speak with the three gentlemen at once.
CU: Thank you all for agreeing to take a few minutes to talk with us.
WJC: My pleasure.
BHO: Any time.
GWB: Always good to speak to the press.
CU: Let’s cut to the chase. Mr. President, you are pushing for more and more government control over the lives of all Americans. The question is why?
BHO: I assume you are talking to me?
CU: Yes.
BHO: Uh, well, er, I wasn’t prepared to , uh, answer any questions pertaining to, uh, policy.
CU: But you can at least tell us what your agenda is pertaining to spending trillions of dollars, which has many economist baffled, by the way, to stimulate the economy?
BHO: Bill, you want to answer this one?
WJC: Sorry, you’re on your own.
BHO: Uh, well, you see, uh, it’s like, uh, I've been busy cleaning up the mess left by the previous administration...
GWB: There you go again. How many times are you going to blame me for what the democrats have been doing since 2006? And what you're doing now?
BHO: George, I believe the question was directed toward me.
CU: Well, anyone who would like to answer for you, Mr. President, would be fine.
BHO: Bill?
WJC: (Phone ringing) Sorry, Hilary is calling. (He answers the phone)
GWB: Come on, Barack. Answer the man’s question.
BHO: I’ll have to get back to you on, uh, that particular item. I’ll, have Rahm send you, uh, some propaganda... I, uh, I mean information.
WJC: (hanging up the phone) Uh oh!
CU: What’s wrong, Mr. Clinton?
WJC: Hilary just found my collection of Hustler Magazines hidden in my sock drawer. She’s pissed!
GWB: I’ve seen her pissed. It’s not a pretty sight!
WJC: Even when she’s not pissed, it’s not a pretty sight!
(laughter)
CU: Okay, getting back to my original question. President Obama, can you tell our readers why you feel it necessary to continue spending taxpayers dollars on stimulus packages, over-bloated healthcare bills and bailouts when people are simply looking to find gainful employment?
BHO: I wasn’t aware of economic questions, er, being, uh, brought up. I’ll defer to Bill.
WJC: You know, I call Hilary my anti-gravity wife.
GWB: Why’s that?
WJC: Because she’s always up in the air about something!
(laughter)
CU: Gentlemen, if we could continue with the interview.
(laughter between the presidents continues)
GWB: You know, I kept America safe after 9/11. Old Barry here can’t keep Charlie Rangel out of trouble, much less stop terrorists from entering the country.
BHO: I take, uh, offense, uh, to that!
GWB: Why are you stumbling over your words?
WJC: Because there’s no teleprompter handy for him to read.
(laughter between Clinton and Bush)
CU: Gentlemen, I have to ask about mistakes made during your administrations. What do you think was your biggest mistake?
GWB: Not getting Bin Laden!
WJC: Monica. But damn it was good!
BHO: So far, I have been too busy trying to clean up the mess left by the previous administration to make any mistakes!
GWB: You know, if you weren’t the president, I’d pop you one right on the nose for that.
WJC: Hell, Barack, you’ve spent over four times the money in a year and a half than what George did in eight years.
BHO: Uh, I, er, had to, uh...
GWB: Clean up my mess! Yes, I think everyone has heard that song and dance routine before!
WJC: (phone ringing) I have to take this. I’ll be right back.
CU: So, gentlemen, next question: When you sum up your experience as Commander in Chief, how did, or do you think you have done?
GWB: I think I instilled pride in the military. Having had some experience in the military helped me to do so.
BHO: Come on, you were in the National Guard. Your military experience means nothing.
GWB: At least I served in something besides the Socialist Party and Acorn!
BHO: And you can’t even say nuclear, much less have the intelligence to deal with nuclear treaties and dealing with rogue nations like Iran and North Korea.
GWB: If your party hadn’t blocked me at every turn, I could have dealt with that. And speaking of not being able to pronounce words, Mr. Smartypants, what the hell is Epantsapation?
WJC: Sorry, that call was important. I know what Epantsapation is! The inability to remove your pants while on the internet. Hilary saw to that!
(laughter between the presidents)
CU: Seriously, gentlemen, The country is in turmoil and needs direction. Who’s leadership would be better at this moment?
BHO: Mine!
WJC: Mine!
GWB: The two of you together couldn’t run a whore house on a slow night!
WJC: I think I might be able keep em busy!
(laughter between Bush and Clinton)
BHO: I have been dealing with the mess left from...
WJC and GWB: The previous administration!
GWB: You sound like a broken record!
WJC: I balanced the budget, So my leadership would straighten out the current mess!
GWB: You borrowed money from Social Security and fudged the books. I saw the budget, remember?
BHO: And you spent money on two wars and cut taxes for the rich!
GWB: And everything was going just fine till Nancy and the gang took over in 2006. Then all hell broke loose!
CU: Could we have a civilized discussion here?
BHO: Look, uh, I have a tee time to get to. I’ll have someone send you a picture of me and that should suffice.
WJC: And I just got a call from an old friend who wants to have some fun this afternoon. I have to go.
GWB: Well, I suppose I need to go too. I have a meeting with Jeb about maybe continuing the Bush Dynasty in 2012.
CU: So this is it? I get 5 minutes and not one straight answer?
WJC: We’re politicians. We don’t give straight answers!
BHO: Good answer!
GWB: Yeah, what they said!
A personal note: When the interview ended, I went to the bar and had a few drinks and several aspirin. My head was killing me!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Thursday 10/21/2010
BUZZARDBAIT DRAGNET
The story you're about to read is true (for the most part). The names have been changed to protect the innocent (well, kind of).
This is the city (duh da duh duh) Buzzardbait, Kentucky (duh da duh duh duhhhhhh)
There are a million stories in the half-naked city... This is just one of them. My name is Investigator, and I carry a badge.
It was raining at the top of the page as I was rolling down Fourth and Main, making the turn onto Main and Fourth. My windshield wipers were slapping at the steady staccato of the rain. My partner, Tuesday, was rolling a number and was about to light it up when the call came in. A UFO sighting near the old Fuzzenbusher Farm. I looked to my partner and shook my head.
Investigator: What a night for a UFO sighting!
Tuesday: Sounds like old man Fuzzenbusher is seeing things.
Investigator: And maybe after we smoke that, we will too.
We rolled out to the Fuzzenbusher Farm and noticed right away that little had changed since our last visit. There was the farmhouse, barn, and lots of cows with Uzis. It looked pretty much normal. But that was when we spotted it. Hovering just above the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis was a very large spacecraft. It was all lit up, making the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis look like they were in daylight underneath the well lit flying saucer. I stopped the car just beyond the parameter of the craft and stepped out into the rain. My partner, after placing the number in the glove box for later, did the same. We walked underneath the ship and noticed the rain stopped falling on us immediately. As we approached the farmhouse, a beam of light hit the ground. That was when a small, green alien with a gnarled cane appeared before us. He looked around nervously as we approached. My partner and I flashed our badges.
Investigator: I'm Detective Investigator, this is my partner, Tuesday. Mind if we have a word with you?"
Alien: Detective Investigator... An oxymoron that is. Hmm?
Investigator: You calling me names, Mister?
Alien: No, I am not. Speak if you must.
Investigator: Why have you landed on Old Man Fuzzenbushers Farm? In fact, where is Old Man Fuzzenbusher?
Alien: I know not where this person is. I thought this place abandoned, it was.
Tuesday: So, what brings you here?
Alien: The ship (he giggled). See it, can you not? Hmmm?
Investigator: Just the fact, man, Just the facts. What's you name?
Alien: Call me Yoda, you can.
Tuesday: So, Yoda, why have you come here?
Alien: Come to find work, I have. That and Universal Healthcare! Hmm?
Investigator: Do you have a Green Card?
Alien: Green card? Of such, I know not. A Green Meat-Saber I have though (giggling again).
I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The light dancing on his hair made it appear to glow; my heart raced; my manhood... Uh, I decided to take the little alien in.
Investigator: We're going to have to take you down to the station.
Alien: Ask why, might I?
Tuesday: We're booking you on a Ten twenty-three.
Alien: Meaning?
Investigator: Illegal alien status.
After cuffing the little green alien, we escorted him to the car where he meditated the entire ten minute trip back to the station. Once inside the station, out of the rain, we took the alien into the interrogation room. Under the bright lights, he'd sing like a canary.
Alien: La la la la la... Lady Gaga has nothing on me (again with the annoying giggles). This light, help my tan, it will!
Investigator: Where were you on the night of July the second?
Alien: Depends it does.
Tuesday: You're in Depends?
Investigator: Into a little kink and perversion, are you?
Alien: Clear your mind... Remember, the Force surrounds us, binds us...
Tuesday: So you're wearing Depends because you're a little bound-up?
Alien: Huh?
Investigator: Just answer the questions!
Alien: Not been on your planet before, I have. Just work I seek. Maybe something in Avatar II in 4D?
Tuesday: Damned migrant workers! Coming into our country, taking work away from other migrant workers!
Investigator: Coffee?
Alien: Yoda! Remember can you not?
Investigator: Tuesday, go get us some coffee. I need to speak with this alien alone.
Tuesday: Fine! Just don't break the lamp again. You know the chief hates it when you break the lamps.
Investigator: I'll try to restrain myself.
Once Tuesday left the room, I decided to switch tactics. Breaking the lamp, I began a new line of questioning.
Investigator: Where did you steal the ship?
Alien: Stolen it is not. Borrowed from a friend, I did!
Investigator: I bet. Who did you borrow the ship from then?
Alien: Chubacca.
Investigator: No, I smoke!
Alien: Stunt your growth, it will. Look at me!
Investigator: Where do you come from?
Alien: A galaxy far, far away.
Investigator: Where?
Alien: The third galaxy to the left of Hollywood and Vine it is!
Investigator: And you came here for work?
Alien: Tough times, it is. Hard to find work I have found. Unemployment Insurance ran out, it has!
Investigator: I bet. So what kind of work are you looking for?
Alien: Leading man roles. Or Director, may be? I heard rumors of Hulk III. Perfect for the part, I am! Hmm? (more giggling)
Investigator: Right! And you would be doing this in Hollywood?
Alien: Nooooo! Devoid of good, that galaxy is. Shrouded by the Dark Side, it has become!
Investigator: So you came here... To Buzzardbait, to find work?
Alien: Buzzardbait? In Miami, I thought!
That was when Tuesday entered the room.
Tuesday: I see you have broken another lamp.
Investigator: It couldn't be helped.
Tuesday: You know the chief isn't gonna like it. That lamp belonged to his mother. And you know how he is about his mother?
Investigator: Yes, I know. Just hand me the coffee.
I took the coffee cup and withdrew my flask of cheap, rot-gut whiskey. I poured a shot in the coffee and sipped at it. The little alien watched me with those goofy looking eyes of his. I replaced the flask in my back pocket... And that was when the idea hit me.
Investigator: I have one more question for you. Have you had your shots?
Alien: Shots? Of what shots speak do you?
I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The twinkle in his eye and his lovely smile made the gooseflesh crawl all over me. I mouthed 'Later' and returned my gaze toward the alien.
Investigator: Well, I think we can wrap this case up!
Tuesday: What are you charging him with?
Investigator: A Ten twenty-three, a Ten ninety-eight and a Ten sixty-nine!
Alien: Mean what does that?
Investigator: Being an illegal alien with no shots and really bad acting!
Alien: And a crime that is?
Investigator: Here in Buzzardbait, you betcha! And where you're going, you'll get all the work you can handle. You'll be moving rocks and playing Drop the Soap with you cellmate!
Alien: Played that with Mace Windu, I did. Terrible pain I felt. Terrible pain!
(Duh da duh duh)
Yoda, the little green alien, was sentenced in Superior Court on a 10-23, a 10-98 and a 10-69. He is currently serving a life sentence in Buzzardbait Prison and Lawn Care Center. He will be eligible for parole in six weeks!
(Dum da dum dum dummmmm)
BUZZARDBAIT DRAGNET
The story you're about to read is true (for the most part). The names have been changed to protect the innocent (well, kind of).
This is the city (duh da duh duh) Buzzardbait, Kentucky (duh da duh duh duhhhhhh)
There are a million stories in the half-naked city... This is just one of them. My name is Investigator, and I carry a badge.
It was raining at the top of the page as I was rolling down Fourth and Main, making the turn onto Main and Fourth. My windshield wipers were slapping at the steady staccato of the rain. My partner, Tuesday, was rolling a number and was about to light it up when the call came in. A UFO sighting near the old Fuzzenbusher Farm. I looked to my partner and shook my head.
Investigator: What a night for a UFO sighting!
Tuesday: Sounds like old man Fuzzenbusher is seeing things.
Investigator: And maybe after we smoke that, we will too.
We rolled out to the Fuzzenbusher Farm and noticed right away that little had changed since our last visit. There was the farmhouse, barn, and lots of cows with Uzis. It looked pretty much normal. But that was when we spotted it. Hovering just above the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis was a very large spacecraft. It was all lit up, making the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis look like they were in daylight underneath the well lit flying saucer. I stopped the car just beyond the parameter of the craft and stepped out into the rain. My partner, after placing the number in the glove box for later, did the same. We walked underneath the ship and noticed the rain stopped falling on us immediately. As we approached the farmhouse, a beam of light hit the ground. That was when a small, green alien with a gnarled cane appeared before us. He looked around nervously as we approached. My partner and I flashed our badges.
Investigator: I'm Detective Investigator, this is my partner, Tuesday. Mind if we have a word with you?"
Alien: Detective Investigator... An oxymoron that is. Hmm?
Investigator: You calling me names, Mister?
Alien: No, I am not. Speak if you must.
Investigator: Why have you landed on Old Man Fuzzenbushers Farm? In fact, where is Old Man Fuzzenbusher?
Alien: I know not where this person is. I thought this place abandoned, it was.
Tuesday: So, what brings you here?
Alien: The ship (he giggled). See it, can you not? Hmmm?
Investigator: Just the fact, man, Just the facts. What's you name?
Alien: Call me Yoda, you can.
Tuesday: So, Yoda, why have you come here?
Alien: Come to find work, I have. That and Universal Healthcare! Hmm?
Investigator: Do you have a Green Card?
Alien: Green card? Of such, I know not. A Green Meat-Saber I have though (giggling again).
I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The light dancing on his hair made it appear to glow; my heart raced; my manhood... Uh, I decided to take the little alien in.
Investigator: We're going to have to take you down to the station.
Alien: Ask why, might I?
Tuesday: We're booking you on a Ten twenty-three.
Alien: Meaning?
Investigator: Illegal alien status.
After cuffing the little green alien, we escorted him to the car where he meditated the entire ten minute trip back to the station. Once inside the station, out of the rain, we took the alien into the interrogation room. Under the bright lights, he'd sing like a canary.
Alien: La la la la la... Lady Gaga has nothing on me (again with the annoying giggles). This light, help my tan, it will!
Investigator: Where were you on the night of July the second?
Alien: Depends it does.
Tuesday: You're in Depends?
Investigator: Into a little kink and perversion, are you?
Alien: Clear your mind... Remember, the Force surrounds us, binds us...
Tuesday: So you're wearing Depends because you're a little bound-up?
Alien: Huh?
Investigator: Just answer the questions!
Alien: Not been on your planet before, I have. Just work I seek. Maybe something in Avatar II in 4D?
Tuesday: Damned migrant workers! Coming into our country, taking work away from other migrant workers!
Investigator: Coffee?
Alien: Yoda! Remember can you not?
Investigator: Tuesday, go get us some coffee. I need to speak with this alien alone.
Tuesday: Fine! Just don't break the lamp again. You know the chief hates it when you break the lamps.
Investigator: I'll try to restrain myself.
Once Tuesday left the room, I decided to switch tactics. Breaking the lamp, I began a new line of questioning.
Investigator: Where did you steal the ship?
Alien: Stolen it is not. Borrowed from a friend, I did!
Investigator: I bet. Who did you borrow the ship from then?
Alien: Chubacca.
Investigator: No, I smoke!
Alien: Stunt your growth, it will. Look at me!
Investigator: Where do you come from?
Alien: A galaxy far, far away.
Investigator: Where?
Alien: The third galaxy to the left of Hollywood and Vine it is!
Investigator: And you came here for work?
Alien: Tough times, it is. Hard to find work I have found. Unemployment Insurance ran out, it has!
Investigator: I bet. So what kind of work are you looking for?
Alien: Leading man roles. Or Director, may be? I heard rumors of Hulk III. Perfect for the part, I am! Hmm? (more giggling)
Investigator: Right! And you would be doing this in Hollywood?
Alien: Nooooo! Devoid of good, that galaxy is. Shrouded by the Dark Side, it has become!
Investigator: So you came here... To Buzzardbait, to find work?
Alien: Buzzardbait? In Miami, I thought!
That was when Tuesday entered the room.
Tuesday: I see you have broken another lamp.
Investigator: It couldn't be helped.
Tuesday: You know the chief isn't gonna like it. That lamp belonged to his mother. And you know how he is about his mother?
Investigator: Yes, I know. Just hand me the coffee.
I took the coffee cup and withdrew my flask of cheap, rot-gut whiskey. I poured a shot in the coffee and sipped at it. The little alien watched me with those goofy looking eyes of his. I replaced the flask in my back pocket... And that was when the idea hit me.
Investigator: I have one more question for you. Have you had your shots?
Alien: Shots? Of what shots speak do you?
I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The twinkle in his eye and his lovely smile made the gooseflesh crawl all over me. I mouthed 'Later' and returned my gaze toward the alien.
Investigator: Well, I think we can wrap this case up!
Tuesday: What are you charging him with?
Investigator: A Ten twenty-three, a Ten ninety-eight and a Ten sixty-nine!
Alien: Mean what does that?
Investigator: Being an illegal alien with no shots and really bad acting!
Alien: And a crime that is?
Investigator: Here in Buzzardbait, you betcha! And where you're going, you'll get all the work you can handle. You'll be moving rocks and playing Drop the Soap with you cellmate!
Alien: Played that with Mace Windu, I did. Terrible pain I felt. Terrible pain!
(Duh da duh duh)
Yoda, the little green alien, was sentenced in Superior Court on a 10-23, a 10-98 and a 10-69. He is currently serving a life sentence in Buzzardbait Prison and Lawn Care Center. He will be eligible for parole in six weeks!
(Dum da dum dum dummmmm)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Wednesday 10/20/2010
I have to tell you a story. It's not a pretty story, but it's mostly true. The names have been changed to protect my ass from any future law suits.
Talk about being at the right place at the wrong time. A lady friend and I decided to stop in for Karaoke Night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub. Seeing most every Saturday night is a busy night there, we decided to play a few games of pool and then we'd vacate the place before the singing got really God-Awful. As we walked inside the place, we took note that it was a packed house. At least thirty or so patrons were huddled around the bar, seated at the tables, or just passing the time shooting some pool and taking in the karaoke singing (some people actually enjoy that). And all of them were drinking beer. A typical Saturday night in Buzzardbait.
Saturday Night Karaoke is a weekly event that's sponsored by Schitts Beer (locally brewed and bottled). It's usually a fun time. There you'll find drunk men in ball caps, dancing with themselves as they urinate in their grease-covered jeans. And then there are the drunk women, dressed in their finest tee shirts or tube tops, getting up in front of the drunken crowd, singing (or attempting to anyway) in hopes of getting one of the dancing drunk, piss-soaked men to notice them.
Every week since it started, the contest has been won by Thelma Buktoof of Poon Point. She's actually a decent singer, especially when the crowd is drunk. Thelma normally gives a great rendition of Tammy Whynott's 'Slip It Past Your Man' or Loretta Lenski's 'Don't Come Home A Drinkin' With Tuna On Your Breath.' But this past Saturday night, her choice of songs left the crowd a teensy bit bewildered. She chose to sing a 'Stung' song from the Cops last album, Zenbutta Yo Mudda, entitled: 'I'll Be Stalking You!'
The song itself wasn't too bad, but since Mrs. Buktoof has deeply inset bug eyes, she resembled a rabid squirrel in heat as she sang. And her vocal talents were not up to snuff that night, as her voice was ravaged by too much beer and nicotine. As the song went on, several of the drunk men began projectile vomiting on the dance floor. And if that wasn't bad enough, the women began throwing beer bottles toward the chicken wire partition (ala the first Blues Brothers Movie).
Aside for having to dodge some stray glass and the occasional cornchunks, my friend and I continued playing some 9 ball and tried to ignore the ruckus. The sickening sweet aroma of regurgitated beer and pork rinds would knock a buzzard off a shit wagon, but since my allergies were acting up, it didn't bother me as much as you'd think.
The bottle tossing soon turned into boos and hisses from the women... And that was when the real trouble started. A fight quickly ensued.
Phillip Douschbagger, the owner of the Buzzardbait Pool Hall portion of the business, was hunched over the counter, vomiting violently as the melee began. And that was when his wife, Vickie Douschbagger (owner of the pub side of the business) decided to repeatedly hit him in the head with a broken Schitts Beer bottle (I'm not sure if it was broken when she started hitting him, but is was thereafter). Phillips sister, Debbie, saw this and came to her brother's rescue. She took a pool cue and rammed it up her sister-in-laws rectum (as Vickie Douschbagger was dressed in a short skirt at the time) as she was bent over her husband (now heaped on the floor in a puddle of his own bile). Up until then,Vickie had been screaming at her husband about his affair with Erma Clappgiver. Ms. Clappgiver was, at that exact moment, across the room... Beating another woman in the head with a chair. Due to the amount of blood on the woman's face, I did not recognize her at first. It was later that I realized it was Vonda Lukatmytush, a first grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School.
Meanwhile, Ivana Jercoff (Operations Manager of the Buzzardbait Zoo), who had just finished her turn at the mic minutes before (and who sang a pretty decent rendition of Georgie Johansens song 'The Trouble With You Is You Suck!') was being assaulted by Emily Closoff, the wife of County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closoff. She was accusing Ms. Jercoff of having an affair with her husband. In the meantime, Oliver Closoff was being cornered by Jack Midick, who accused him of having an affair with Mrs, Midick, also known as Tangy Thunderthighs, a dancer at Big Al's Titty Emporium.
By this time, my friend and I were looking at the various fights and wondering if we should leave and not pay the bill, or just sit quietly by and have another beer while continuing to dodge pool cues, beer mugs and ash trays (that were being tossed wildly across the room). We chose to stay. Where was the fun in leaving all of this entertainment? I suggested to my friend that I'd go get us another round and I somehow managed to cross the room, reach into the beer cooler and grabbed a couple of cold Schitts beers. When I returned to my friend, she had some woman in a headlock, punching her in the face repeatedly. Needless to say, I sat in a chair and held onto her beer while I drank mine.
It wasn't thirty seconds later when I spotted Roscoe Harritung heading toward me. Apparently he saw that I was the only person not involved in the melee and came toward me with a mic stand. I suppose he was feeling left out, or thought that I was (I'm not sure which). As he approached me, I guzzled the rest of my beer and broke the bottle on the side of a nearby pool table. As I ducked the oncoming mic stand he had just swung at my head, I jammed the broken bottle into his groin. This made him drop the mic stand and grab himself (much like Michael Jackson's famous crotch grab at the Motown Awards). Only the sound coming from Mr. Harritung was not like the sound that Mr. Jackson would have made (Ohhh whooo). It was more like the sound a humpback whale makes when harpooned in the gonads (Aroooooooooo).
Seeing how my friend was now banging the woman's head against the concrete block wall, I sat back in my chair and open the second beer and enjoyed its smooth, mellow taste.
By this time, there were at least fifteen different fights taking place inside the pub and pool hall. The green felt on several of the pool tables were now covered with bodies, blood and/or vomit. I decided that I had seen enough and called 911 to complain that I couldn't play pool due to all the fighting going on. The police dispatcher told me that she'd have someone there before long. After that call, I made a call to order a pizza from Papa Fred's Pizzeria and Nail Salon, located down on 4th and Main. Believe me, they have the best greasy pizza this side of Hooter Heights!
The driver was there in less than fifteen minutes and I met him at the door. Paying the delivery guy (with a dollar tip to boot), I found a nice secluded spot and ate my pepperoni and banana pepper pizza while my friend was using a pool rack to beat the woman in the head. I turned my attention then to some guy across the room (his yelling compelled me to do so). He was getting his ass kicked by two different women. One was kicking his ass for apparently vomiting on her shoes while the other woman whipped him in the head for no apparent reason.
Thirty minutes later the Buzzardbait Police finally arrived. But by this time, most of the pool hall patrons had spilled-out into the parking lot; many brandishing pool cues and billiard balls. They were fighting one another in a display of carnage not seen since the World Wrestling Corporation's (WWC) Imgwotta 'Big' Johnson bungholed Henry 'The Giant Midget' Hernandez in a cage match that ended in a draw and a same-sex marriage.
The thirty or so patrons of the pool hall were rounded-up and transported to the Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor to await their bail hearing. Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police told me that none of the patrons involved in the melee would spend more that a day in jail before their bails would be set. “Judge Hugh Harshly will make justice move swiftly and bring much needed revenue to the city in the process!” Detective Inspector told me.
After that, I drove home and went to bed with a full belly and a buzz from the Schitts Beers. When I woke up Sunday morning, I drove to the Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor, where I arranged bail for my friend and got her out of there. Since she never got to have any pizza the night before, I took her to Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes for breakfast (If you ever go there, try the triple-stack chocolate chip pancakes with maple syrup and whipped cream... Yummy!).
When my friend asked me how I came up with the bail money so fast, I told her that since Detective Inspector happened to be my neighbor, he cut me a deal on her bail. I now owe him two lawn mowings and a wax job on his car. I also informed her that she would not be going before the judge. Judge Hugh Harshly is also a neighbor, and he owed me a favor. A few weeks ago I told his wife that he was in a meeting when he was actually meeting some woman from Pooter Park concerning... Anyway, now we're even.
When I finally asked my friend why she had gotten into a fight in the first place, she said the woman had called her a “Farmtown Ho!” Well, I suppose that's a good enough reason.
Well, that's the story.
Oh. I almost forgot... As for Thelma Buktoof, she is being charged with inciting a riot - a felony - and will be held in Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor until her court case comes up sometime in June.
Karaoke Night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub will never be the same again.
P.S. I have just found out that 'I'll Be Stalking You!' will no longer be on the play list for karaoke night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub.
I have to tell you a story. It's not a pretty story, but it's mostly true. The names have been changed to protect my ass from any future law suits.
Talk about being at the right place at the wrong time. A lady friend and I decided to stop in for Karaoke Night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub. Seeing most every Saturday night is a busy night there, we decided to play a few games of pool and then we'd vacate the place before the singing got really God-Awful. As we walked inside the place, we took note that it was a packed house. At least thirty or so patrons were huddled around the bar, seated at the tables, or just passing the time shooting some pool and taking in the karaoke singing (some people actually enjoy that). And all of them were drinking beer. A typical Saturday night in Buzzardbait.
Saturday Night Karaoke is a weekly event that's sponsored by Schitts Beer (locally brewed and bottled). It's usually a fun time. There you'll find drunk men in ball caps, dancing with themselves as they urinate in their grease-covered jeans. And then there are the drunk women, dressed in their finest tee shirts or tube tops, getting up in front of the drunken crowd, singing (or attempting to anyway) in hopes of getting one of the dancing drunk, piss-soaked men to notice them.
Every week since it started, the contest has been won by Thelma Buktoof of Poon Point. She's actually a decent singer, especially when the crowd is drunk. Thelma normally gives a great rendition of Tammy Whynott's 'Slip It Past Your Man' or Loretta Lenski's 'Don't Come Home A Drinkin' With Tuna On Your Breath.' But this past Saturday night, her choice of songs left the crowd a teensy bit bewildered. She chose to sing a 'Stung' song from the Cops last album, Zenbutta Yo Mudda, entitled: 'I'll Be Stalking You!'
The song itself wasn't too bad, but since Mrs. Buktoof has deeply inset bug eyes, she resembled a rabid squirrel in heat as she sang. And her vocal talents were not up to snuff that night, as her voice was ravaged by too much beer and nicotine. As the song went on, several of the drunk men began projectile vomiting on the dance floor. And if that wasn't bad enough, the women began throwing beer bottles toward the chicken wire partition (ala the first Blues Brothers Movie).
Aside for having to dodge some stray glass and the occasional cornchunks, my friend and I continued playing some 9 ball and tried to ignore the ruckus. The sickening sweet aroma of regurgitated beer and pork rinds would knock a buzzard off a shit wagon, but since my allergies were acting up, it didn't bother me as much as you'd think.
The bottle tossing soon turned into boos and hisses from the women... And that was when the real trouble started. A fight quickly ensued.
Phillip Douschbagger, the owner of the Buzzardbait Pool Hall portion of the business, was hunched over the counter, vomiting violently as the melee began. And that was when his wife, Vickie Douschbagger (owner of the pub side of the business) decided to repeatedly hit him in the head with a broken Schitts Beer bottle (I'm not sure if it was broken when she started hitting him, but is was thereafter). Phillips sister, Debbie, saw this and came to her brother's rescue. She took a pool cue and rammed it up her sister-in-laws rectum (as Vickie Douschbagger was dressed in a short skirt at the time) as she was bent over her husband (now heaped on the floor in a puddle of his own bile). Up until then,Vickie had been screaming at her husband about his affair with Erma Clappgiver. Ms. Clappgiver was, at that exact moment, across the room... Beating another woman in the head with a chair. Due to the amount of blood on the woman's face, I did not recognize her at first. It was later that I realized it was Vonda Lukatmytush, a first grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School.
Meanwhile, Ivana Jercoff (Operations Manager of the Buzzardbait Zoo), who had just finished her turn at the mic minutes before (and who sang a pretty decent rendition of Georgie Johansens song 'The Trouble With You Is You Suck!') was being assaulted by Emily Closoff, the wife of County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closoff. She was accusing Ms. Jercoff of having an affair with her husband. In the meantime, Oliver Closoff was being cornered by Jack Midick, who accused him of having an affair with Mrs, Midick, also known as Tangy Thunderthighs, a dancer at Big Al's Titty Emporium.
By this time, my friend and I were looking at the various fights and wondering if we should leave and not pay the bill, or just sit quietly by and have another beer while continuing to dodge pool cues, beer mugs and ash trays (that were being tossed wildly across the room). We chose to stay. Where was the fun in leaving all of this entertainment? I suggested to my friend that I'd go get us another round and I somehow managed to cross the room, reach into the beer cooler and grabbed a couple of cold Schitts beers. When I returned to my friend, she had some woman in a headlock, punching her in the face repeatedly. Needless to say, I sat in a chair and held onto her beer while I drank mine.
It wasn't thirty seconds later when I spotted Roscoe Harritung heading toward me. Apparently he saw that I was the only person not involved in the melee and came toward me with a mic stand. I suppose he was feeling left out, or thought that I was (I'm not sure which). As he approached me, I guzzled the rest of my beer and broke the bottle on the side of a nearby pool table. As I ducked the oncoming mic stand he had just swung at my head, I jammed the broken bottle into his groin. This made him drop the mic stand and grab himself (much like Michael Jackson's famous crotch grab at the Motown Awards). Only the sound coming from Mr. Harritung was not like the sound that Mr. Jackson would have made (Ohhh whooo). It was more like the sound a humpback whale makes when harpooned in the gonads (Aroooooooooo).
Seeing how my friend was now banging the woman's head against the concrete block wall, I sat back in my chair and open the second beer and enjoyed its smooth, mellow taste.
By this time, there were at least fifteen different fights taking place inside the pub and pool hall. The green felt on several of the pool tables were now covered with bodies, blood and/or vomit. I decided that I had seen enough and called 911 to complain that I couldn't play pool due to all the fighting going on. The police dispatcher told me that she'd have someone there before long. After that call, I made a call to order a pizza from Papa Fred's Pizzeria and Nail Salon, located down on 4th and Main. Believe me, they have the best greasy pizza this side of Hooter Heights!
The driver was there in less than fifteen minutes and I met him at the door. Paying the delivery guy (with a dollar tip to boot), I found a nice secluded spot and ate my pepperoni and banana pepper pizza while my friend was using a pool rack to beat the woman in the head. I turned my attention then to some guy across the room (his yelling compelled me to do so). He was getting his ass kicked by two different women. One was kicking his ass for apparently vomiting on her shoes while the other woman whipped him in the head for no apparent reason.
Thirty minutes later the Buzzardbait Police finally arrived. But by this time, most of the pool hall patrons had spilled-out into the parking lot; many brandishing pool cues and billiard balls. They were fighting one another in a display of carnage not seen since the World Wrestling Corporation's (WWC) Imgwotta 'Big' Johnson bungholed Henry 'The Giant Midget' Hernandez in a cage match that ended in a draw and a same-sex marriage.
The thirty or so patrons of the pool hall were rounded-up and transported to the Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor to await their bail hearing. Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police told me that none of the patrons involved in the melee would spend more that a day in jail before their bails would be set. “Judge Hugh Harshly will make justice move swiftly and bring much needed revenue to the city in the process!” Detective Inspector told me.
After that, I drove home and went to bed with a full belly and a buzz from the Schitts Beers. When I woke up Sunday morning, I drove to the Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor, where I arranged bail for my friend and got her out of there. Since she never got to have any pizza the night before, I took her to Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes for breakfast (If you ever go there, try the triple-stack chocolate chip pancakes with maple syrup and whipped cream... Yummy!).
When my friend asked me how I came up with the bail money so fast, I told her that since Detective Inspector happened to be my neighbor, he cut me a deal on her bail. I now owe him two lawn mowings and a wax job on his car. I also informed her that she would not be going before the judge. Judge Hugh Harshly is also a neighbor, and he owed me a favor. A few weeks ago I told his wife that he was in a meeting when he was actually meeting some woman from Pooter Park concerning... Anyway, now we're even.
When I finally asked my friend why she had gotten into a fight in the first place, she said the woman had called her a “Farmtown Ho!” Well, I suppose that's a good enough reason.
Well, that's the story.
Oh. I almost forgot... As for Thelma Buktoof, she is being charged with inciting a riot - a felony - and will be held in Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor until her court case comes up sometime in June.
Karaoke Night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub will never be the same again.
P.S. I have just found out that 'I'll Be Stalking You!' will no longer be on the play list for karaoke night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Tuesday 10/19/2010
Local Store Adds New Items
From the first visit I made to this store as a child, I can tell you a lot of things have changed over the years. Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has seen plenty of changes in its 85 years in business, but the changes to the store lately have concerned many older customers. The sign in the window stated: Under New Management. So I assume that the old management retired to sunny Florida, or the Buzzardbait Elderly Dykes Home.
Normally, when I head into the store, I'm there for a specific reason. When I was a kid, it was comic books (Captain CaCa and his Transgendered Friends; Spidery-Guy; The Flasher, The Green Horny, etc,) and of course, the candy. But as an adult, my needs have changed. I now go there for deodorant and shaving cream, aspirin and sodas. But this last visit to the store made me actually stop and look for a change. My ordinary 5 minute trip inside took two hours and several hundred dollars.
I found the items I needed first, I had a pack of disposable razors, a couple of two-liters of Diet Sludge Cola, and a fresh can of Skank-Off Deodorant. But as I was heading to the check-out counter, I began noticing some new items adorning the shelves.
First, there were 'personal massagers.' Advertised as Quiet and Powerful, they came in a wide array of colors, shapes and sizes. Most were rechargeable and lightweight. There were long ones, short ones ('Bullets') and even one that lit-up and played music (Borello, I think).
If you happen to be into feet, there’s the Famous Freddie's Foot Spa (I'm not sure who Famous Freddie is, but the picture on the box looks like some 70's porn star with thick curly black hair and a moustache that could double as a barnacle scraper), and also the multi-head foot massager (four heads for you and your partner I suppose?). Or if you want to massage other parts of your body, you can find the Magic Five-Speed Massager. I read the package and saw that is was powered by a five speed Briggs and Straton Chainsaw engine. Woo Hoo! I spotted one massager that comes with a body warmer, and a few of them had some interesting bumps strategically placed on them. And there was one called the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder. WOW! This is not your mothers back massager!
From there, I sauntered down the lotion aisle. There were all sorts of lotions on the shelves. From the 'Travel Size' massage oils (in scents like Martian Moonlight, Malibu Marsh, and Lindsey Lowhand's Under-leg Special). I have no idea what any of those things smell like as I resisted the urge to check them out (although the Lindsey Lowhand one did peak my curiosity). Then it was onto the economy-size jugs of lotions. A liter bottle of lotion I spotted was called Coconut Cascade. After reading the bottle, it said to pour a liberal portion onto any area for instant arousal. Wow wee!
And then there are the lubricants. There were the warming kind, the tingling kind, the soothing kind, and one that was called Galactoglide, for anal use only. Galactoglide? Sounds like an Asteroid cream to me. I wonder if that should be used with the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder? Also, I didn't know these lubricants came in flavors. I saw flavors like pina colada,blueberry, cherry and watermelon. I didn’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell or taste good, but I suppose there are things in this life I am yet to be aware of.
From there I spotted something called Intimacy Gels. There was Strawberry, Orange, Lemon (that will put some pucker in you!) and my personal favorite: Chocolate. The Intimacy Gels come in regular and sugar-free. Hmm? Good sex should not lead to a trip to the dentist because of tooth decay, nor should it pack on the pounds just because you used too much.
And then there is the condom selection. Now I remember as a teenager feeling embarrassed as I attempted to by some cheap TroJoe Condoms. But now, there are as many varieties of condoms as the personal massagers. I saw ribbed and twisted, tropical-flavored (flavored condoms? Yuck!), studded, bumped, lumped and OMG style. I'm not sure what the OMG style really is, but I'm sure if I saw it, I'd go WTF? There were pink ones (maybe for Breast Cancer Awareness?), red ones, green ones, purple, blue, zebra-striped and polka-dotted ones too. And I saw one that had a vibrating ring (Maybe it was an OMG reject?).
Further down the aisle I saw that they even had handcuffs (the fuzzy and non-fuzzy kind), several brands of soft rope, hot waxes and my personal favorite, digital camcorders and tripods. Obviously to record your activities, whereas you'll be able to show the grand kids sometime in the future what Grandma and Grandpa did for fun back in the good old days.
And nothing says romance like candles. There were at least 6,000 candles on the shelves with fragrances such as Indian Moondance, Night on Wicked Mountain, and my personal favorite, Beach Bungho. Light enough of these candles around your bedroom for mood lighting and you'll run the risk of catching your house on fire from the added heat during sex. Kinky!
And just in case you get carried away with your nocturnal fun, they also have an entire shelf of various braces, stabilizers, hot and cold packs, muscle relaxers and pain creams for those sore spots the following morning.
Needless to say, the Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has changed a great deal since I was a kid. After $453.97 in purchases, I feel like a kid again. Of course, my lady friend has yet to see the stuff I bought. Boy, is she gonna be surprised!
As for the older customers who were looking at me like I was some pervert, you old women need to lighten up and buy some of this stuff to use on your husbands. Maybe they would spend more time at home and less time at Big Al's Titty Emporium!
And in Sporting News:
Local Sports Team Seeks Name Change
The Beaver Lick Youth Sports Counsel has asked for parents to be aware of a petition going around, asking them to help change the name of one of the high school teams. Currently the Beaver Lick All-Girls High School sports teams are named the Lady Lickers, with their mascot being a very large tongue. The Beaver Lick Sports Counsel is asking for the name to be changed to the Carpetmunchers, and in turn, changing the mascot to Lindsey Lohan.
The All Boys High School is currently not seeking a name change or a new mascot. They wish to remain known as the Lickers.
And now a message from one of our sponsors:
When you have a mighty thirst for something exotic, take Milo Days advice. Nothing tastes like Dingleberry Wine. It's the wine for non-discriminatory drinkers. And comes in quarts, gallons, or the convenient keg. And Dingleberry Wine is inexpensive too, making it affordable for the everyone, from the businessman, musician, or professional wino.
And Dingleberry Wine comes in four delicious flavors: Strawberry, Apple, Grape, and Chocolate.
Dingleberry Wine is hand-squeezed from fresh dingleberries, grown right here in Buzzardbait, KY.
So remember, if it ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt!
Disclaimer:
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after two or three bottles. Dingleberry's Wine has been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass being drug through water after a flood. Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following ingrediants: Aspertame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenyketonurics, small undigested pieces of putrid meat, wads of partially used toilet paper, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and flavorings.
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been deemed hazardous to your health. The following can and will more than likely occur: Blurred vision; Erratic behavior; Mood swings; Memory loss; Hallucinations; Projectile vomiting; Explosive diarrhea; Loss of all motor control; Convulsions; Blood in the stool, on the couch and/or recliner; Hairy Tongue Syndrome (HTS); Complete and sudden death and dry mouth. Not to mention a really shitty aftertaste.
And a reminder: Never drink and drive, operate heavy equipment, nor attempt to operate on another human being without the aid of a medical professional. Remember to drink responsibly and never, ever stop drinking Dingleberry Wine, no matter what these twerps have told you!
Local Store Adds New Items
From the first visit I made to this store as a child, I can tell you a lot of things have changed over the years. Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has seen plenty of changes in its 85 years in business, but the changes to the store lately have concerned many older customers. The sign in the window stated: Under New Management. So I assume that the old management retired to sunny Florida, or the Buzzardbait Elderly Dykes Home.
Normally, when I head into the store, I'm there for a specific reason. When I was a kid, it was comic books (Captain CaCa and his Transgendered Friends; Spidery-Guy; The Flasher, The Green Horny, etc,) and of course, the candy. But as an adult, my needs have changed. I now go there for deodorant and shaving cream, aspirin and sodas. But this last visit to the store made me actually stop and look for a change. My ordinary 5 minute trip inside took two hours and several hundred dollars.
I found the items I needed first, I had a pack of disposable razors, a couple of two-liters of Diet Sludge Cola, and a fresh can of Skank-Off Deodorant. But as I was heading to the check-out counter, I began noticing some new items adorning the shelves.
First, there were 'personal massagers.' Advertised as Quiet and Powerful, they came in a wide array of colors, shapes and sizes. Most were rechargeable and lightweight. There were long ones, short ones ('Bullets') and even one that lit-up and played music (Borello, I think).
If you happen to be into feet, there’s the Famous Freddie's Foot Spa (I'm not sure who Famous Freddie is, but the picture on the box looks like some 70's porn star with thick curly black hair and a moustache that could double as a barnacle scraper), and also the multi-head foot massager (four heads for you and your partner I suppose?). Or if you want to massage other parts of your body, you can find the Magic Five-Speed Massager. I read the package and saw that is was powered by a five speed Briggs and Straton Chainsaw engine. Woo Hoo! I spotted one massager that comes with a body warmer, and a few of them had some interesting bumps strategically placed on them. And there was one called the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder. WOW! This is not your mothers back massager!
From there, I sauntered down the lotion aisle. There were all sorts of lotions on the shelves. From the 'Travel Size' massage oils (in scents like Martian Moonlight, Malibu Marsh, and Lindsey Lowhand's Under-leg Special). I have no idea what any of those things smell like as I resisted the urge to check them out (although the Lindsey Lowhand one did peak my curiosity). Then it was onto the economy-size jugs of lotions. A liter bottle of lotion I spotted was called Coconut Cascade. After reading the bottle, it said to pour a liberal portion onto any area for instant arousal. Wow wee!
And then there are the lubricants. There were the warming kind, the tingling kind, the soothing kind, and one that was called Galactoglide, for anal use only. Galactoglide? Sounds like an Asteroid cream to me. I wonder if that should be used with the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder? Also, I didn't know these lubricants came in flavors. I saw flavors like pina colada,blueberry, cherry and watermelon. I didn’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell or taste good, but I suppose there are things in this life I am yet to be aware of.
From there I spotted something called Intimacy Gels. There was Strawberry, Orange, Lemon (that will put some pucker in you!) and my personal favorite: Chocolate. The Intimacy Gels come in regular and sugar-free. Hmm? Good sex should not lead to a trip to the dentist because of tooth decay, nor should it pack on the pounds just because you used too much.
And then there is the condom selection. Now I remember as a teenager feeling embarrassed as I attempted to by some cheap TroJoe Condoms. But now, there are as many varieties of condoms as the personal massagers. I saw ribbed and twisted, tropical-flavored (flavored condoms? Yuck!), studded, bumped, lumped and OMG style. I'm not sure what the OMG style really is, but I'm sure if I saw it, I'd go WTF? There were pink ones (maybe for Breast Cancer Awareness?), red ones, green ones, purple, blue, zebra-striped and polka-dotted ones too. And I saw one that had a vibrating ring (Maybe it was an OMG reject?).
Further down the aisle I saw that they even had handcuffs (the fuzzy and non-fuzzy kind), several brands of soft rope, hot waxes and my personal favorite, digital camcorders and tripods. Obviously to record your activities, whereas you'll be able to show the grand kids sometime in the future what Grandma and Grandpa did for fun back in the good old days.
And nothing says romance like candles. There were at least 6,000 candles on the shelves with fragrances such as Indian Moondance, Night on Wicked Mountain, and my personal favorite, Beach Bungho. Light enough of these candles around your bedroom for mood lighting and you'll run the risk of catching your house on fire from the added heat during sex. Kinky!
And just in case you get carried away with your nocturnal fun, they also have an entire shelf of various braces, stabilizers, hot and cold packs, muscle relaxers and pain creams for those sore spots the following morning.
Needless to say, the Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has changed a great deal since I was a kid. After $453.97 in purchases, I feel like a kid again. Of course, my lady friend has yet to see the stuff I bought. Boy, is she gonna be surprised!
As for the older customers who were looking at me like I was some pervert, you old women need to lighten up and buy some of this stuff to use on your husbands. Maybe they would spend more time at home and less time at Big Al's Titty Emporium!
And in Sporting News:
Local Sports Team Seeks Name Change
The Beaver Lick Youth Sports Counsel has asked for parents to be aware of a petition going around, asking them to help change the name of one of the high school teams. Currently the Beaver Lick All-Girls High School sports teams are named the Lady Lickers, with their mascot being a very large tongue. The Beaver Lick Sports Counsel is asking for the name to be changed to the Carpetmunchers, and in turn, changing the mascot to Lindsey Lohan.
The All Boys High School is currently not seeking a name change or a new mascot. They wish to remain known as the Lickers.
And now a message from one of our sponsors:
When you have a mighty thirst for something exotic, take Milo Days advice. Nothing tastes like Dingleberry Wine. It's the wine for non-discriminatory drinkers. And comes in quarts, gallons, or the convenient keg. And Dingleberry Wine is inexpensive too, making it affordable for the everyone, from the businessman, musician, or professional wino.
And Dingleberry Wine comes in four delicious flavors: Strawberry, Apple, Grape, and Chocolate.
Dingleberry Wine is hand-squeezed from fresh dingleberries, grown right here in Buzzardbait, KY.
So remember, if it ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt!
Disclaimer:
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after two or three bottles. Dingleberry's Wine has been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass being drug through water after a flood. Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following ingrediants: Aspertame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenyketonurics, small undigested pieces of putrid meat, wads of partially used toilet paper, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and flavorings.
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been deemed hazardous to your health. The following can and will more than likely occur: Blurred vision; Erratic behavior; Mood swings; Memory loss; Hallucinations; Projectile vomiting; Explosive diarrhea; Loss of all motor control; Convulsions; Blood in the stool, on the couch and/or recliner; Hairy Tongue Syndrome (HTS); Complete and sudden death and dry mouth. Not to mention a really shitty aftertaste.
And a reminder: Never drink and drive, operate heavy equipment, nor attempt to operate on another human being without the aid of a medical professional. Remember to drink responsibly and never, ever stop drinking Dingleberry Wine, no matter what these twerps have told you!
Monday, October 18, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Monday 10/18/2010
THIS WEEK IN MUSIC...
A sampling of some of the CD's hitting the Buzzardbait Music store this week.
The Baddest Blues-man from Buzzardbait is at it again. Milo Days just released his 57th album in 10 years, entitled: This is da Blues, Baby! It consist of 18 tracks that are guaranteed to have you drinkin' and bluesin' just like old Milo. The title song, This is da Blues, Baby is probably the best Milo has done since his first CD, I gots Dem I needs Sum Money Blues!
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Also new in stores this week Is Lil Pimperoo's debut CD, Bitches and Hocakes. For those of you who like your music Hip-hopped, this will fill the bill. The title song, Bitches and Hocakes is good, but the second track, Let's Butcher Whitey and Feed him to da Dawgs is pure Lil Pimperoo!
Country Boys On Dope has released their second CD, The Bar I Grew Up In! This is the follow-up to last year's debut CD, I Missed The Bus. 'The Bar I Grew Up In' is a bittersweet Country song that reminds me of my days in the bar I grew up in. The rest of the CD is pretty much crap, but if you're drinking, you won't notice.
Foreign Models, the Japanese girl band releases their Latest CD called, I Gotta Go NOW! It's a techno-lovers dream, and if you understand Japanese, you might understand the lyrics too!
Justin Biejerk releases his latest pre-teen (Pwetween)CD, Daddy's Little Girls. Honestly, I hated this CD. I thought the entire thing was a waste of valuable time, money and effort. Justin should grow some pubes before trying to sing about crap he has yet to experience!
Just when I thought modern music was dead, someone comes along and proves me right. The Tailgaters, Are you following me? is by far, the worst CD I have even had the displeasure of listening to. All 9 tracks have the same beat, monotonous vocals, and some guy who thinks beating the guitar with a hammer constitutes playing. The record label obviously consists of tone deaf, money-wasting idiots. I predict this one will be on the clearance racks in a week!
Now here's a country artists that knows how to sell a CD. Tammy Whynott's latest, Don't Come Home a Drinkin' With Tuna on Your Breath! is pure country at it's absolute finest. Ms. Whynott's voice is as good as ever. She sounds like a woman who smokes three packs of Camels a day and chugs at least a case of beer before each recording session. A great choice if you're in the market for forgettable music!
And finally, Anita Blojobb's Comedy CD hits the stores this week. The CD, Wrap Your Lips Around This! is about as funny as her last CD, but not as good as her first, which wasn't all that good to begin with. This woman needs to go back into retail and STFU!
THIS WEEK IN MUSIC...
A sampling of some of the CD's hitting the Buzzardbait Music store this week.
The Baddest Blues-man from Buzzardbait is at it again. Milo Days just released his 57th album in 10 years, entitled: This is da Blues, Baby! It consist of 18 tracks that are guaranteed to have you drinkin' and bluesin' just like old Milo. The title song, This is da Blues, Baby is probably the best Milo has done since his first CD, I gots Dem I needs Sum Money Blues!
.jpg)
Also new in stores this week Is Lil Pimperoo's debut CD, Bitches and Hocakes. For those of you who like your music Hip-hopped, this will fill the bill. The title song, Bitches and Hocakes is good, but the second track, Let's Butcher Whitey and Feed him to da Dawgs is pure Lil Pimperoo!
Country Boys On Dope has released their second CD, The Bar I Grew Up In! This is the follow-up to last year's debut CD, I Missed The Bus. 'The Bar I Grew Up In' is a bittersweet Country song that reminds me of my days in the bar I grew up in. The rest of the CD is pretty much crap, but if you're drinking, you won't notice.
Foreign Models, the Japanese girl band releases their Latest CD called, I Gotta Go NOW! It's a techno-lovers dream, and if you understand Japanese, you might understand the lyrics too!
Justin Biejerk releases his latest pre-teen (Pwetween)CD, Daddy's Little Girls. Honestly, I hated this CD. I thought the entire thing was a waste of valuable time, money and effort. Justin should grow some pubes before trying to sing about crap he has yet to experience!
Just when I thought modern music was dead, someone comes along and proves me right. The Tailgaters, Are you following me? is by far, the worst CD I have even had the displeasure of listening to. All 9 tracks have the same beat, monotonous vocals, and some guy who thinks beating the guitar with a hammer constitutes playing. The record label obviously consists of tone deaf, money-wasting idiots. I predict this one will be on the clearance racks in a week!
Now here's a country artists that knows how to sell a CD. Tammy Whynott's latest, Don't Come Home a Drinkin' With Tuna on Your Breath! is pure country at it's absolute finest. Ms. Whynott's voice is as good as ever. She sounds like a woman who smokes three packs of Camels a day and chugs at least a case of beer before each recording session. A great choice if you're in the market for forgettable music!
And finally, Anita Blojobb's Comedy CD hits the stores this week. The CD, Wrap Your Lips Around This! is about as funny as her last CD, but not as good as her first, which wasn't all that good to begin with. This woman needs to go back into retail and STFU!
Friday, October 15, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Friday 10/15/2010
The Curious Urinal Interview:
Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey.
You probably don't know it, but local celebrity, Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey has seen his share of ups and downs over the years. In fact, sitting down with the megastar, he recounts his life in the business in this exclusive interview.
When we sat down last week to chat, Stinky had just arrived back in town. His work had taken him away from his home at the Buzzardbait Zoo for a few weeks. In that time, he shot his scenes for three upcoming feature films set for release next year. We asked him about the films and he said:
Stinky: “I can't talk about them due to contractual concerns. But next year, Stinky is back with a vengeance! That I can guarantee.”
CU: “So what can you tell us about your career that no one knows?”
Stinky: “Where to begin? Well, I suppose that A Chimpanzee Christmas Story was my break-out film. I played Ralphy, that adorable little monkey that wanted the Red Rider Banana Gun for Christmas. It wasn't easy to play the role, having no acting experience, but I muddled through it and that movie has since become a classic.”
CU: “What about the next film?”
Stinky: “Who Framed Chester Chimp? Now that was a funny movie. I was four years old and had two lines in the entire film. I still remember them too!”
CU: “What were they?”
Stinky: “'Where's my banana?' and 'Who wants some poo?'”
CU: “That was back in the days before you took your stage name?”
Stinky: “Yeah. I was just known as Stinky back then.”
CU: “So what happened from there?”
Stinky: “I got parts in several films back in the '80's that were pretty much standard roles. I was the boy monkey in Little Shop of Bananas. I had a small part in The Velveteen Chimp. Then I finally got to play a bigger role. The Great Monkey Caper made me a star, I suppose. From there, the roles came often.”
CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”
Stinky: “Please.”
CU: “Go on.”
Stinky: “I got a part in the epic Escape from New York Zoo. I was the bad ass kid that beat the snot out of Snake before he killed me. Then The Monkey Pit came along. I almost turned it down until I found out Tom Yanks was in it.”
CU: “Good actor!”
Stinky: “Very! After that – thanks for the banana smoothie – after that, I landed the plumb role of a lifetime. I was the star finally. Indiana Chimp and The Last Banana was the role of a lifetime. I got to be the hero and get the girl... And the banana too!”
CU: “That was a great movie!”
Stinky: “Thank you. After that, the roles kept coming in. I was in Robin Hood: Chimps in Tights. I played Friar Monk in that. Then there was When Harry met Stinky. Oh, now that was a fun movie to make!”
CU: “Again teaming up with Tom Yanks.”
Stinky: “Yes. He's great! After that, I was in An Officer and a Chimpanzee with Richard Gearbox. Then came Romancing the Ape, Repo Chimp, Gorillas in the Midst, The Color of Monkey with Paul Numman and Tom Clues... And then there's my personal favorite, Stinky and the Bandit! with Dirk Biddles.”
CU: And that ended the '80's in style!”
Stinky: “Yes. But that was when I started drinking too much. You know how Hollywood is? It's one big party and I got caught up in it all.”
CU: “But that was also when you did some of your best work.”
Stinky: “Well, yes. But I have to admit that it was difficult to get through the long shoots and the changes that I was going through personally. I was in my teens and partying into the wee hours with my friends, and I didn't show up for days at a time to film my parts.”
CU: “How bad was it?”
Stinky: “Well, I got to work with Tom Yanks yet again in Forrest Chimp. But I think he knew I was in trouble. He suggested I lay off the sauce and refocus my energy toward the movies. I tried so hard. I did Chimp Fiction with John Revolta and Samual L. Jackya, but I was partying so hard with Uma Furmann, that I lost sight of the fact that the director was unhappy with my work. Most of my scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. My part went from a large part to that of a supporting actor, and from there it was all downhill.”
CU: “You still worked though?”
Stinky: “Yes. I was in Silence of the Chimps. My favorite role in the '90's. I remember the line that made millions squeamish, 'I ate his liver... With some fava beans and a banana smoothie.' That was a delicious role. I actually was sober for most of that movie because of the intensity of the character.”
CU: “But that was when everything changed?”
Stinky: “Yes. After that, I did one other really decent film. The Cable Chimp with Jim Furry. But he and I didn't get along very well, and I began drinking openly and became very unpredictable. I began throwing poo most every day, and I was black-balled because I was such an ass to work with. And from there, the roles became fewer and far between. There was Tales of the Chimp, which was a really bad movie. After that, I did Attack of the Killer Bananas and And that stupid Biznee flick, That Darn Chimp. After that no one really wanted to have me in their films at all.”
CU: “So you went into TV?”
Stinky: “Yeah. That was a bad time too. I was drunk most of the time. I ended up as a semi-regular on Teenage Mutant Ninja Monkeys for a time. But I cold-cocked the director one day for knocking my drink over.”
CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”
Stinky: “Thank you. These are really good.”
CU: “So, you were saying?”
Stinky: “Right. I was kicked off the set of the Mutant Monkeys show and got lucky and landed a small part in The Telemonkeys. But again, I got drunk on the set and they stuck me in C.A.”
CU: “C.A.?”
Stinky: “Chimpanzees Anonymous. It took some time, but I started to dry out. But I had a relapse on the set of The Mighty Morphin Power Monkeys and ended up in rehab. Six weeks of drying out and I came out clean and sober. From there, I landed a part that started to make my star shine again. Stinky and the Brain. I did two seasons of that before it was canceled. I felt really bad about that too, because it was a great little show. But the audience just wasn't there. The ratings sucked and that was it.”
CU: “Did you start drinking again?”
Stinky: “Big time. I was drinking Banana Daiquiris right and left. I was once again in denial and was trying to show the world my talent at the same time. I landed a role on a soap opera and I did that for a little while. Here I had been a major star and had sunk to the lowest point in my career doing a freakin' soap opera!”
CU: “You won a Daytime Emmy for your role though!”
Stinky: “I played the drunk on As the Chimp Turns. It wasn't a hard part to play. I simply fooled everyone by saying that I stayed in character all of the time. But when they discovered I was really drinking, they fired me on the spot! The last TV show I was on after that was Circus of the Network Has-Beens. From there, I disappeared into a bottle for a few years.”
CU: “What happened to change your life?”
Stinky: “Tom Yanks found me living under a viaduct one day as he was driving around in his sports car. He got me into the car and took me to rehab and paid to have me go through it. It was like he really wanted me to be free of the demon that had possessed me. And I owe him big time too!”
CU: “So now we are into the new century. You are clean and sober again, but something changed to turn your acting career in a new direction?”
Stinky: “Right. I met a young actor/rapper named Will Smiff. He was working on a movie and he told me that I had been the reason he wanted to be an actor in the first place. He saw me in Indiana Chimp and thought I was da bomb! He got the director to cast me in a film he was doing called Chimps In Black! From there, things started to roll again. But I decided that Stinky wasn't going to be just another comeback actor like Robert Downme Jr. I did something in that movie that got a lot of laughs, so I incorporated it into my stage name. It's a gimmick, but it works pretty well for me.”
CU: And Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey was the result!”
Stinky: “Exactly. And after that, I have been busy. I did all three of the Star Warped movies, the Chimptastic Four, and have done tons of TV shows too. Monkey Legal was fun. William Splatner is a hoot to work with. Then I was on Chimplock with Andy Grippit for several episodes. But the movies are my first love, so I concentrated more on that. I got to work with Tom Yanks again on his mega-hit film, The Chimpvinci Code, and worked with Will Smiff again on Independence Ape. I was the Chief in Chimpman Begins, and did a couple of the Harry Pothead movies too. And now, here I am, just off the plane and back for a vacation after filming three different movies. One of which will be big box office, I'm sure!”
CU: “I heard rumors that one of those films was The Chimpvengers movie!”
Stinky: “You heard right. But like I said, I can't really speak of the new ones yet. But I'll let you know when the press junkets begin, so you can get the interview when I'm allowed to talk about them. Besides, my agent would kill me if I did something crazy like that.”
CU: “B.A. Gorilla is still your agent, right?”
Stinky: Bad Ass is still my agent, and will continue in that role for as long as I can act.”
CU: “Stinky, I want to thank you for sitting down with me today.”
Stinky: “Could I get another Banana Smoothie before you go. These are damned good!”
CU: “Sure.”
The Curious Urinal Interview:
Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey.
You probably don't know it, but local celebrity, Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey has seen his share of ups and downs over the years. In fact, sitting down with the megastar, he recounts his life in the business in this exclusive interview.
When we sat down last week to chat, Stinky had just arrived back in town. His work had taken him away from his home at the Buzzardbait Zoo for a few weeks. In that time, he shot his scenes for three upcoming feature films set for release next year. We asked him about the films and he said:
Stinky: “I can't talk about them due to contractual concerns. But next year, Stinky is back with a vengeance! That I can guarantee.”
CU: “So what can you tell us about your career that no one knows?”
Stinky: “Where to begin? Well, I suppose that A Chimpanzee Christmas Story was my break-out film. I played Ralphy, that adorable little monkey that wanted the Red Rider Banana Gun for Christmas. It wasn't easy to play the role, having no acting experience, but I muddled through it and that movie has since become a classic.”
CU: “What about the next film?”
Stinky: “Who Framed Chester Chimp? Now that was a funny movie. I was four years old and had two lines in the entire film. I still remember them too!”
CU: “What were they?”
Stinky: “'Where's my banana?' and 'Who wants some poo?'”
CU: “That was back in the days before you took your stage name?”
Stinky: “Yeah. I was just known as Stinky back then.”
CU: “So what happened from there?”
Stinky: “I got parts in several films back in the '80's that were pretty much standard roles. I was the boy monkey in Little Shop of Bananas. I had a small part in The Velveteen Chimp. Then I finally got to play a bigger role. The Great Monkey Caper made me a star, I suppose. From there, the roles came often.”
CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”
Stinky: “Please.”
CU: “Go on.”
Stinky: “I got a part in the epic Escape from New York Zoo. I was the bad ass kid that beat the snot out of Snake before he killed me. Then The Monkey Pit came along. I almost turned it down until I found out Tom Yanks was in it.”
CU: “Good actor!”
Stinky: “Very! After that – thanks for the banana smoothie – after that, I landed the plumb role of a lifetime. I was the star finally. Indiana Chimp and The Last Banana was the role of a lifetime. I got to be the hero and get the girl... And the banana too!”
CU: “That was a great movie!”
Stinky: “Thank you. After that, the roles kept coming in. I was in Robin Hood: Chimps in Tights. I played Friar Monk in that. Then there was When Harry met Stinky. Oh, now that was a fun movie to make!”
CU: “Again teaming up with Tom Yanks.”
Stinky: “Yes. He's great! After that, I was in An Officer and a Chimpanzee with Richard Gearbox. Then came Romancing the Ape, Repo Chimp, Gorillas in the Midst, The Color of Monkey with Paul Numman and Tom Clues... And then there's my personal favorite, Stinky and the Bandit! with Dirk Biddles.”
CU: And that ended the '80's in style!”
Stinky: “Yes. But that was when I started drinking too much. You know how Hollywood is? It's one big party and I got caught up in it all.”
CU: “But that was also when you did some of your best work.”
Stinky: “Well, yes. But I have to admit that it was difficult to get through the long shoots and the changes that I was going through personally. I was in my teens and partying into the wee hours with my friends, and I didn't show up for days at a time to film my parts.”
CU: “How bad was it?”
Stinky: “Well, I got to work with Tom Yanks yet again in Forrest Chimp. But I think he knew I was in trouble. He suggested I lay off the sauce and refocus my energy toward the movies. I tried so hard. I did Chimp Fiction with John Revolta and Samual L. Jackya, but I was partying so hard with Uma Furmann, that I lost sight of the fact that the director was unhappy with my work. Most of my scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. My part went from a large part to that of a supporting actor, and from there it was all downhill.”
CU: “You still worked though?”
Stinky: “Yes. I was in Silence of the Chimps. My favorite role in the '90's. I remember the line that made millions squeamish, 'I ate his liver... With some fava beans and a banana smoothie.' That was a delicious role. I actually was sober for most of that movie because of the intensity of the character.”
CU: “But that was when everything changed?”
Stinky: “Yes. After that, I did one other really decent film. The Cable Chimp with Jim Furry. But he and I didn't get along very well, and I began drinking openly and became very unpredictable. I began throwing poo most every day, and I was black-balled because I was such an ass to work with. And from there, the roles became fewer and far between. There was Tales of the Chimp, which was a really bad movie. After that, I did Attack of the Killer Bananas and And that stupid Biznee flick, That Darn Chimp. After that no one really wanted to have me in their films at all.”
CU: “So you went into TV?”
Stinky: “Yeah. That was a bad time too. I was drunk most of the time. I ended up as a semi-regular on Teenage Mutant Ninja Monkeys for a time. But I cold-cocked the director one day for knocking my drink over.”
CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”
Stinky: “Thank you. These are really good.”
CU: “So, you were saying?”
Stinky: “Right. I was kicked off the set of the Mutant Monkeys show and got lucky and landed a small part in The Telemonkeys. But again, I got drunk on the set and they stuck me in C.A.”
CU: “C.A.?”
Stinky: “Chimpanzees Anonymous. It took some time, but I started to dry out. But I had a relapse on the set of The Mighty Morphin Power Monkeys and ended up in rehab. Six weeks of drying out and I came out clean and sober. From there, I landed a part that started to make my star shine again. Stinky and the Brain. I did two seasons of that before it was canceled. I felt really bad about that too, because it was a great little show. But the audience just wasn't there. The ratings sucked and that was it.”
CU: “Did you start drinking again?”
Stinky: “Big time. I was drinking Banana Daiquiris right and left. I was once again in denial and was trying to show the world my talent at the same time. I landed a role on a soap opera and I did that for a little while. Here I had been a major star and had sunk to the lowest point in my career doing a freakin' soap opera!”
CU: “You won a Daytime Emmy for your role though!”
Stinky: “I played the drunk on As the Chimp Turns. It wasn't a hard part to play. I simply fooled everyone by saying that I stayed in character all of the time. But when they discovered I was really drinking, they fired me on the spot! The last TV show I was on after that was Circus of the Network Has-Beens. From there, I disappeared into a bottle for a few years.”
CU: “What happened to change your life?”
Stinky: “Tom Yanks found me living under a viaduct one day as he was driving around in his sports car. He got me into the car and took me to rehab and paid to have me go through it. It was like he really wanted me to be free of the demon that had possessed me. And I owe him big time too!”
CU: “So now we are into the new century. You are clean and sober again, but something changed to turn your acting career in a new direction?”
Stinky: “Right. I met a young actor/rapper named Will Smiff. He was working on a movie and he told me that I had been the reason he wanted to be an actor in the first place. He saw me in Indiana Chimp and thought I was da bomb! He got the director to cast me in a film he was doing called Chimps In Black! From there, things started to roll again. But I decided that Stinky wasn't going to be just another comeback actor like Robert Downme Jr. I did something in that movie that got a lot of laughs, so I incorporated it into my stage name. It's a gimmick, but it works pretty well for me.”
CU: And Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey was the result!”
Stinky: “Exactly. And after that, I have been busy. I did all three of the Star Warped movies, the Chimptastic Four, and have done tons of TV shows too. Monkey Legal was fun. William Splatner is a hoot to work with. Then I was on Chimplock with Andy Grippit for several episodes. But the movies are my first love, so I concentrated more on that. I got to work with Tom Yanks again on his mega-hit film, The Chimpvinci Code, and worked with Will Smiff again on Independence Ape. I was the Chief in Chimpman Begins, and did a couple of the Harry Pothead movies too. And now, here I am, just off the plane and back for a vacation after filming three different movies. One of which will be big box office, I'm sure!”
CU: “I heard rumors that one of those films was The Chimpvengers movie!”
Stinky: “You heard right. But like I said, I can't really speak of the new ones yet. But I'll let you know when the press junkets begin, so you can get the interview when I'm allowed to talk about them. Besides, my agent would kill me if I did something crazy like that.”
CU: “B.A. Gorilla is still your agent, right?”
Stinky: Bad Ass is still my agent, and will continue in that role for as long as I can act.”
CU: “Stinky, I want to thank you for sitting down with me today.”
Stinky: “Could I get another Banana Smoothie before you go. These are damned good!”
CU: “Sure.”
Thursday, October 14, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Thursday 10/14/2010
Letters to the Editor
Dear Sirs/Madame's,
In a recent article, you mentioned that Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center was hiring for a position in shrubbery. Did I misunderstand? I went to apply for the position, yet they said that they were not hiring. Mark Mudflap, Poon Point, KY.
Mark,
The article read, “Henry Hyrum, a patient at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, was arrested for trying to perform a sex act with the shrubbery at the Lawn Care portion of the business. The position he was trying to use is now being called the Hyrum Hump by the Buzzardbait Police Department.” Sorry if this caused you any undo trouble in your job search.
Dear Editor,
I was interested in a delivery route job with the Curious Urinal. To whom do I speak with in Human Resources to secure an interview?
Justen Sloth, Big Mounds, KY.
Jutsen,
We are an “Online Newspaper” and not a print newspaper. It would be hard to deliver the “Online Newspaper” into a paper box. Maybe you should invest in some further education before you go off trying to secure a job. Buzzardbait University has classes in basket weaving and lawn ornament painting that you might look into.
Mr. Editor,
You seem to have a vast knowledge of all things Buzzardbait. But I bet you didn't know that Buzzardbait wasn't the original name of the town. What was the original name, if your so danged smart?
Arthur Aspwiper, Hooter Heights, KY
Arthur,
The original name for Buzzardbait was Vulture Vomit, but some old twit decided that she didn't like the word Vomit used in connection to the name, thus Buzzardbait became the new name of the town! And since the story just came out yesterday, I'm sure that you read it and decided that you could outsmart me. You must know that I am all-powerful, all-seeing, omnipotent and one hell of a horizontal dancer!
Hey Editor,
I came across an article about something that I'm not sure what it means. Can you tell me why this might be the case? And if so, what can be done about it?
Bill Farnswaggler, Aureole Acres, KY
Hey Bill... Huh?
Sirs,
In regard to the previous letter: What the hell was he even talking about?
I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights, KY.
I.M., I wish I knew.
To the Editor,
Yesterday I took a crap on your paper. It was the best thing I have seen coming from your rag in a very long time!
Name withheld by request, Lousyville, KY.
At least you're paper trained... Oh, btw, Can you see your computer screen now?
Sirs,
I recently read the article about the Buzzardbait Zoo acquiring new attractions. I was the person who located the Meerkat. To correct your obvious attempt at making me out to be some animal hater, I did not shoot the thing with a pellet gun... It was buckshot! Secondly, I did put the animal in a bag, but I did not use a baseball bat on it to “calm it down” as you suggested. I used the butt end of the shotgun to whip the shit out of that thing! It's obvious that your reporter was suggesting that I would hurt the animal just because I could. The reality was that I hurt the animal because it looked like my ex-wife's mother when she came out of the bathroom after a prolonged squat on the throne. I had a flashback and grabbed my shotgun because of that, nothing more. Please, in the future, get your facts straight!
“Greasy” Louis Oozenoil, Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes, Buzzardbait, KY.
Sorry about that, Louie
Send your letters to us and you may see your letter published.
And now a word from one of our valued sponsors:
Tired of the same old snacks? In need of something different? Something that's all-natural and loaded with essential proteins you body needs?
Then try New Penguin Balls!.jpg)
They're the frozen snack treat that's sweeping the nation. They're all-natural, with no artificial flavorings. Just pure Penguin Balls, lovingly coated with fructose. And they come in three delicious flavors: Milk Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Meat. These frozen treats are sure to please even the most discriminating taste.
And remember, when you buy Penguin Balls, you're helping to stamp out the overpopulation of penguins in the Antarctic.
So next time you're looking for something different... Try New Penguin Balls!
Disclaimer:
Penguin Balls are made with real Antarctic penguin testicles, cut off at the peak of their sexual prime. These penguins will now waddle with less of a purpose, with nothing hindering them from leading normal, happy lives. They will be free of reproduction and family problems. These eunuch penguins will just swim and eat fish all day, unencumbered by sins of the flesh.
Also, the milk chocolate and peanut butter coatings are artificially flavored. We say it's all-natural, but hey, who has time to actually read the ingredients? In addition, Penguin Balls may contain the following: Sorbic Acid, Aspartame, extremely high levels of sugar (550% of you daily requirement), Corpsedia, Sodium Vibrofoam, less than 3% rodent hair and/or feces, Canine bile (for color) Lemon Beet extract and Tobacco-flavored cumquat juice.
Penguin Balls are a trademark of Consolidated Cybernetics Corp. of America (CCCofA) LLC, Buzzardbait, KY.
Letters to the Editor
Dear Sirs/Madame's,
In a recent article, you mentioned that Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center was hiring for a position in shrubbery. Did I misunderstand? I went to apply for the position, yet they said that they were not hiring. Mark Mudflap, Poon Point, KY.
Mark,
The article read, “Henry Hyrum, a patient at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, was arrested for trying to perform a sex act with the shrubbery at the Lawn Care portion of the business. The position he was trying to use is now being called the Hyrum Hump by the Buzzardbait Police Department.” Sorry if this caused you any undo trouble in your job search.
Dear Editor,
I was interested in a delivery route job with the Curious Urinal. To whom do I speak with in Human Resources to secure an interview?
Justen Sloth, Big Mounds, KY.
Jutsen,
We are an “Online Newspaper” and not a print newspaper. It would be hard to deliver the “Online Newspaper” into a paper box. Maybe you should invest in some further education before you go off trying to secure a job. Buzzardbait University has classes in basket weaving and lawn ornament painting that you might look into.
Mr. Editor,
You seem to have a vast knowledge of all things Buzzardbait. But I bet you didn't know that Buzzardbait wasn't the original name of the town. What was the original name, if your so danged smart?
Arthur Aspwiper, Hooter Heights, KY
Arthur,
The original name for Buzzardbait was Vulture Vomit, but some old twit decided that she didn't like the word Vomit used in connection to the name, thus Buzzardbait became the new name of the town! And since the story just came out yesterday, I'm sure that you read it and decided that you could outsmart me. You must know that I am all-powerful, all-seeing, omnipotent and one hell of a horizontal dancer!
Hey Editor,
I came across an article about something that I'm not sure what it means. Can you tell me why this might be the case? And if so, what can be done about it?
Bill Farnswaggler, Aureole Acres, KY
Hey Bill... Huh?
Sirs,
In regard to the previous letter: What the hell was he even talking about?
I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights, KY.
I.M., I wish I knew.
To the Editor,
Yesterday I took a crap on your paper. It was the best thing I have seen coming from your rag in a very long time!
Name withheld by request, Lousyville, KY.
At least you're paper trained... Oh, btw, Can you see your computer screen now?
Sirs,
I recently read the article about the Buzzardbait Zoo acquiring new attractions. I was the person who located the Meerkat. To correct your obvious attempt at making me out to be some animal hater, I did not shoot the thing with a pellet gun... It was buckshot! Secondly, I did put the animal in a bag, but I did not use a baseball bat on it to “calm it down” as you suggested. I used the butt end of the shotgun to whip the shit out of that thing! It's obvious that your reporter was suggesting that I would hurt the animal just because I could. The reality was that I hurt the animal because it looked like my ex-wife's mother when she came out of the bathroom after a prolonged squat on the throne. I had a flashback and grabbed my shotgun because of that, nothing more. Please, in the future, get your facts straight!
“Greasy” Louis Oozenoil, Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes, Buzzardbait, KY.
Sorry about that, Louie
Send your letters to us and you may see your letter published.
And now a word from one of our valued sponsors:
Tired of the same old snacks? In need of something different? Something that's all-natural and loaded with essential proteins you body needs?
Then try New Penguin Balls!
.jpg)
They're the frozen snack treat that's sweeping the nation. They're all-natural, with no artificial flavorings. Just pure Penguin Balls, lovingly coated with fructose. And they come in three delicious flavors: Milk Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Meat. These frozen treats are sure to please even the most discriminating taste.
And remember, when you buy Penguin Balls, you're helping to stamp out the overpopulation of penguins in the Antarctic.
So next time you're looking for something different... Try New Penguin Balls!
Disclaimer:
Penguin Balls are made with real Antarctic penguin testicles, cut off at the peak of their sexual prime. These penguins will now waddle with less of a purpose, with nothing hindering them from leading normal, happy lives. They will be free of reproduction and family problems. These eunuch penguins will just swim and eat fish all day, unencumbered by sins of the flesh.
Also, the milk chocolate and peanut butter coatings are artificially flavored. We say it's all-natural, but hey, who has time to actually read the ingredients? In addition, Penguin Balls may contain the following: Sorbic Acid, Aspartame, extremely high levels of sugar (550% of you daily requirement), Corpsedia, Sodium Vibrofoam, less than 3% rodent hair and/or feces, Canine bile (for color) Lemon Beet extract and Tobacco-flavored cumquat juice.
Penguin Balls are a trademark of Consolidated Cybernetics Corp. of America (CCCofA) LLC, Buzzardbait, KY.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Wednesday 10/13/2010
Buzzardbait Zoo Set to Reopen
It's that time of year again. Yes, The Buzzardbait Zoo and Exotic Steakhouse is about to reopen for the 2010 visitor season. “This year looks to be better than ever!” Ivana Jercoff, Chief Operations Officer of the Buzzardbait Zoo stated before both reporters present at the press conference today.
“But before we can look forward to this year, we have to look back at last year.” She said with a bit of sadness. “Last year, we lost two of our most wonderful attractions. Ella the Elephant and Charlie the Cheetah. Although it was a loss for the Zoo, the Exotic Steakhouse had a banner year... Until the meat ran out, that is.” Ms. Jercoff was referring to the specials on elephant steaks and cheetah chowder the restaurant ran as part of the Remembrance Specials last season.
“But now, this year looks to be a banner year. As you know, last year we took in well over $300.00 in revenue from ticket sales and almost as much in refreshments. The beer sales alone counted for nearly $1,000,000 in revenue. This year we are planning on topping the numbers of visitors from 100 to 150 by holding Saturday Night at the Zoo promos. Visitors will be encouraged to come in on Saturday nights to see the animals as they sleep and take part in our first annual Name that Stool Contests. We will place a pile of animal feces out for display and visitors will pay $1.00 to guess which animal made it. All proceeds will go to help feed the animals. As you know, last year our budget for feeding the animals was reduced due to lack of interest by the public, so many of the animals simply starved, or ate one another to survive. That took our budget down greatly!”
“In addition, it opened valuable space for some newer, more exciting attractions to come to our little zoo!”Ms. Jercoff began displaying pictures of some of the newest residents of the Buzzardbait Zoo.
“This is Molly the Meerkat. She actually came to us locally. She was digging thru the dumpster at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes. After he shot it with a pellet gun, bagged it and beat it with a baseball bat to calm it down, he brought it here. We nursed it back to health and she'll be wonderful addition to out collection of wild animals.”
“This is Pervy. He's a naked Molerat. He was found outside Big Al's Titty Emporium, trying to get inside. After he had been stomped by some drunk trucker in cowboy boots, he was rushed here to get medical help. After six months of therapy, he's ready to make his debut in our zoo.”
“These are two Wonder Weasels. Frick and Frak are their names. And they are seen here in their natural state. Frick, the male, and Frak, the female, are in a perpetual state of mating. Wonder Weasels are rare and we here at the Buzzardbait Zoo are proud to have the pair!”
This is Barry the Money Rat. Money Rats are also rare. They run around, mostly in subway stations and fast food restaurants, picking up loose change to build their nest eggs with. Barry will be near the Wishing Well area, collecting any and all loose change from our visitors. Barry's going to be a fine addition to the zoo.”
“This is Lenny the Lion. Lenny's seen here right after a big meal. He ate one of our part-time feeders two weeks ago. We'll miss Howie, but Lenny was well worth the effort getting here. He comes to us from the Beddum and Bangem Circus. Lenny is going to be an exciting attraction!”
“And finally, the news we all have been so excited to share today...”
“Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey is making his triumphant return to the Buzzardbait Zoo. He recently had been in Hollywood, making several movies. He was in Honey, I Screwed-up the Furniture!
And he was also a major player in the Star Warped Movies, and recently did several episodes of Law and Disorder, playing one of the attorneys. You can see here that he is telling someone to read between the lines. I think that is a Hollywood thing!”
The press conference closed with Ivana Jercoff reminding everyone, “Don't forget to bring your cameras this year, as our pictures haven't sold worth shit, so take your own!”
Buzzardbait Zoo Set to Reopen
It's that time of year again. Yes, The Buzzardbait Zoo and Exotic Steakhouse is about to reopen for the 2010 visitor season. “This year looks to be better than ever!” Ivana Jercoff, Chief Operations Officer of the Buzzardbait Zoo stated before both reporters present at the press conference today.
“But before we can look forward to this year, we have to look back at last year.” She said with a bit of sadness. “Last year, we lost two of our most wonderful attractions. Ella the Elephant and Charlie the Cheetah. Although it was a loss for the Zoo, the Exotic Steakhouse had a banner year... Until the meat ran out, that is.” Ms. Jercoff was referring to the specials on elephant steaks and cheetah chowder the restaurant ran as part of the Remembrance Specials last season.
“But now, this year looks to be a banner year. As you know, last year we took in well over $300.00 in revenue from ticket sales and almost as much in refreshments. The beer sales alone counted for nearly $1,000,000 in revenue. This year we are planning on topping the numbers of visitors from 100 to 150 by holding Saturday Night at the Zoo promos. Visitors will be encouraged to come in on Saturday nights to see the animals as they sleep and take part in our first annual Name that Stool Contests. We will place a pile of animal feces out for display and visitors will pay $1.00 to guess which animal made it. All proceeds will go to help feed the animals. As you know, last year our budget for feeding the animals was reduced due to lack of interest by the public, so many of the animals simply starved, or ate one another to survive. That took our budget down greatly!”
“In addition, it opened valuable space for some newer, more exciting attractions to come to our little zoo!”Ms. Jercoff began displaying pictures of some of the newest residents of the Buzzardbait Zoo.
“This is Molly the Meerkat. She actually came to us locally. She was digging thru the dumpster at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes. After he shot it with a pellet gun, bagged it and beat it with a baseball bat to calm it down, he brought it here. We nursed it back to health and she'll be wonderful addition to out collection of wild animals.”
“This is Pervy. He's a naked Molerat. He was found outside Big Al's Titty Emporium, trying to get inside. After he had been stomped by some drunk trucker in cowboy boots, he was rushed here to get medical help. After six months of therapy, he's ready to make his debut in our zoo.”
“These are two Wonder Weasels. Frick and Frak are their names. And they are seen here in their natural state. Frick, the male, and Frak, the female, are in a perpetual state of mating. Wonder Weasels are rare and we here at the Buzzardbait Zoo are proud to have the pair!”
This is Barry the Money Rat. Money Rats are also rare. They run around, mostly in subway stations and fast food restaurants, picking up loose change to build their nest eggs with. Barry will be near the Wishing Well area, collecting any and all loose change from our visitors. Barry's going to be a fine addition to the zoo.”
“This is Lenny the Lion. Lenny's seen here right after a big meal. He ate one of our part-time feeders two weeks ago. We'll miss Howie, but Lenny was well worth the effort getting here. He comes to us from the Beddum and Bangem Circus. Lenny is going to be an exciting attraction!”
“And finally, the news we all have been so excited to share today...”
“Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey is making his triumphant return to the Buzzardbait Zoo. He recently had been in Hollywood, making several movies. He was in Honey, I Screwed-up the Furniture!
And he was also a major player in the Star Warped Movies, and recently did several episodes of Law and Disorder, playing one of the attorneys. You can see here that he is telling someone to read between the lines. I think that is a Hollywood thing!”
The press conference closed with Ivana Jercoff reminding everyone, “Don't forget to bring your cameras this year, as our pictures haven't sold worth shit, so take your own!”
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Tuesday 10/12/2010
Local Nightspot celebrates Buzzardbait Days
Last night was a humdinger of a time at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Local dignitaries from all over Ammo County were in attendance to celebrate the Anniversary of Buzzardbait's bicentennial.
"Two-hundred years ago, this town was nothing more than a hole in the wall. Now, it's the epicenter of big business and modern living!" Heralded Oliver Closoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner. Seen here, enjoying himself during the festivities.
One of Big Al's dancers, Tangy Thundertush, said, "This is about as much fun as the New Year's Blow Out we had last year. I danced my ass off that night, I can tell ya!"
County Judge, Clyde Forkem, took a break from the fun to take an important call.
But later Judge Forkem told us that he'd be disappointed if the entertainment didn't arrive soon.
And soon enough, Blues Legend and spokesman for locally bottled Dingleberry Wine, Milo Days stepped up to the microphone and began belting out an unrelenting rendition of 'I got the Big-Assed Woman Blues!'
When it was all said and done, the celebration was enjoyed by the packed house at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Even Big Al himself had to say, "This was funner than a broke-dicked dog humpin' a cactus!"
Local Nightspot celebrates Buzzardbait Days
Last night was a humdinger of a time at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Local dignitaries from all over Ammo County were in attendance to celebrate the Anniversary of Buzzardbait's bicentennial.
"Two-hundred years ago, this town was nothing more than a hole in the wall. Now, it's the epicenter of big business and modern living!" Heralded Oliver Closoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner. Seen here, enjoying himself during the festivities.
One of Big Al's dancers, Tangy Thundertush, said, "This is about as much fun as the New Year's Blow Out we had last year. I danced my ass off that night, I can tell ya!"
County Judge, Clyde Forkem, took a break from the fun to take an important call.
But later Judge Forkem told us that he'd be disappointed if the entertainment didn't arrive soon.
And soon enough, Blues Legend and spokesman for locally bottled Dingleberry Wine, Milo Days stepped up to the microphone and began belting out an unrelenting rendition of 'I got the Big-Assed Woman Blues!'
When it was all said and done, the celebration was enjoyed by the packed house at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Even Big Al himself had to say, "This was funner than a broke-dicked dog humpin' a cactus!"
Monday, October 11, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal - Friday 2/10/2012
A special report from The Curious Urinal
Buzzardbait - The Untold Story.
Every child in Ammo County schools has been taught the story of the founding fathers of Buzzardbait... Or so we thought. Now, after major research into the founding of Buzzardbait and surrounding Ammo County, we can reveal the untold story of Buzzardbait.
It was May, 1810. The weather was hot, and the tempers hotter as Tyrus Piddleplop and George Widdledik of Boston decided to head west to explore the vast unknown. Somewhere around Indiana, the pair ended up losing their compass and headed south. The two swam across the mighty Ohio River (nearly drowning) and ended up on the banks of the river at Lousyville.
They were immediately rolled for change and a pair of boots by a gang of mutant children in Lousyville. Almost fifteen minutes later, they were chased out of town by the police. Seeing no one could understand their thick Bostonian accent, they were mistaken as gypsies. They were unceremoniously piled into a gut wagon and escorted to the city limits, where they were tossed out of the gut wagon. They had to make it on foot from there.
Seeing the town of Lousyville was not a fit place to be, Piddleplop and Widdledik began walking in the hot sun, covered with guts and river mud. Smelling like two wet gut piles themselves, they walked for two days until they happened upon a creek. They jumped into the water to bathe themselves and when they left the water, they are purported to have said, “Now that’s a Stinking Creek!” And the name stuck. They looked around and decided that this was a far west as they would dare go. Seeing how the town of Lousyville was hostile, they could only imagine how much worse it would be if they ventured onward.
There were trees and water, and a fair amount of game in the wilderness, so Piddleplop and Widdledik decided to settle the untamed wilderness. Seeing that they had to come up with a suitable name for their new town, each wrote down their ideas and met to compare what they had come up with. Many suggestions were made by each, and all were rejected by the other. The story is officially that Widdledik said to Piddleplop, “This place reminds me of a buzzards roost!”
But documents have been uncovered that suggest that it was indeed Piddleplop saying to Widdledik, “Look, that vulture's vomiting!”
So they agreed to name the town Vulture Vomit.
It so happened that the pair painted a sign that read Welcome to Vulture Vomit and posted it at the city limits. Of course there was no city then, just a coon skin lean-to and a campfire. Several days went by when a wagon load of harlots came passing by and a woman by the name of Nellie Dinkletwit commented, “I hate the name of this town!”
It was Tyrus Piddleplop who looked upon the woman, a homely woman with a wart on her nose and a droopy eye, and said, “Well, you look like buzzard bait to me!”
George Widdledik had an idea and went to repaint the sign: Welcome to Buzzardbait!
Some of the harlots decided to remain in Buzzardbait, and were eaten by the local wildlife. The only survivor was Nellie Dinkletwit. The animals, it seemed, thought she was too ugly to consume and left her alone. She walked nearly an hour until she returned to Buzzardbait and became chummy with Tyrus Piddleplop. Later that afternoon, Piddleplop married the homely madam of the harlots.
That was when Harlan Zuckerphuk, who hauled Glop Beer from nearby Lousyville, came across the little burg called Buzzardbait and suggested the town needed a saloon for wayward travelers. George and Tyrus slaved daily for nearly two days until they had erected a log building with a sign upon the door: Buzzardbait Inn and Saloon. And that was when Piddleplop and his new bride set up the towns first brothel. Seeing that she was the only woman in town at that point, she was very busy.
It was then that a man came wandering into town with no shoes and a thick New York accent. His name was Carmine O’Tinkler. He had been run out of Lousyville two days before because he reminded the police of someone that pissed them off. Immediately Tyrus Piddleplop hired him as the bartender for the Saloon. The following day, Abner Schitts came rolling into town on a beer wagon, where he sold his entire inventory of Piss Beer to the saloon.
At the same time, the rest of the harlots returned to town on their wagon and Madam Nellie Dinkletwit suggested that she let the girls occupy the upstairs rooms and cut George Widdledik and Tyrus Piddleplop in on the action. Besides, Madam Nellie needed the rest. So, the Brothel/Inn was very busy as people from all over the area began flocking to Buzzardbait for the cheap hookers and the beer.
Carmine O’Tinkler and one of the ladies of the brothel, Zula Baggchomper, decided to get married after a whirlwind three day courtship.
Tyrus and Nellie Piddleplop, both yearning for a better life, moved to what is now known as Poon Point and started a Tobacco-flavored Cumquat farm.
George Widdledik then hooked up with another of the ladies, Wilma Dorkhumpper and left to open a free range chicken farm in Arkansas. They never returned to Buzzardbait.
A stranger on a horse by the name of Horace Limpwiggler, stayed at the inn overnight and ended up marrying one of the ladies of the brothel, a big-boobed woman named Carla Winkerdink. The stranger and his new bride settled south of Buzzardbait in what is now known as Hooter Heights. The horse, Horace Limpwiggler, became the star of the Wingding Brothers Circus and went on to appear in the very first western movie, ‘A Fistful of Something Gooey.’
Abner Schitts continued to run beer from Lousyville to Buzzardbait, but later retired and married one of the ladies of the brothel, Lily Whiterump. They started a Lemon Beet farm in what’s now known as Aureole Acres.
That left the last of the ladies of the brothel, Wanda Hormeister. She ran the brothel by hand until she could locate more girls to work there. But at the same time, she married Carmine O’Tinkler, who appointed himself mayor. They also started the Buzzardbait Livery Stable and Feed Store; the Buzzardait Bank and Bathhouse and the Buzzardbait Barber Shop and Dentist Office.
But that was when tragedy came to Buzzardbait. The town was invaded by a vile villain vexing the vibrant village. His name was Texas Rex Beaver. He rode into town and raped all the men and shot all the horses. The women, as the research shows, were often the target of his anger. He would throw horse manure at them and taunt them for wearing frilly undergarments. Obviously Texas Rex Beaver had issues.
But a lawman soon rode into town. Marshall Roscoe Clappgiver was trailing Texas Rex Beaver and there was a gunfight on Main Street three days thereafter. Beaver was gunned down and buried out in the wilderness in what is now known as Beaver Lick. Marshall Clappgiver was offered the job as town sheriff and began setting up what is now the Buzzardbait Police Department.
And that beats the official story that has been taught to the children in school. The painstaking three days of research trumps the official story that Piddleplop and Widdledik settled Buzzardbait and later shipped out to fight the Indians at Fort Knox, or the alternative version that had the pair mining for gold in the Klondike and becoming major player at the Battle of the Wounded Elbow when Canada invaded Sweden back in 1851.
So now you know the real story of Buzzardbait, Kentucky. Don’t you feel better?
A paid advertisement:
He swam the Amazon River in search of lost civilizations.
He raced cars in Monte Carlo, just to prove to himself he could.
He climbed mighty mountains, just to watch the sunset.
He adorned a matador's outfit and stepped in the ring with El Toro Diablo, the meanest bull south of the border...
And that's where he screwed up!
He doesn’t always drink beer,... But now, when he does, it will be through an IV.
Tres Equis... Stay thirsty, and away from the bull, my friends.
XXX Tres Equis. © Buzzardbait Brewery and Sludge Pond, Buzzardbait, KY
A special report from The Curious Urinal
Buzzardbait - The Untold Story.
Every child in Ammo County schools has been taught the story of the founding fathers of Buzzardbait... Or so we thought. Now, after major research into the founding of Buzzardbait and surrounding Ammo County, we can reveal the untold story of Buzzardbait.
It was May, 1810. The weather was hot, and the tempers hotter as Tyrus Piddleplop and George Widdledik of Boston decided to head west to explore the vast unknown. Somewhere around Indiana, the pair ended up losing their compass and headed south. The two swam across the mighty Ohio River (nearly drowning) and ended up on the banks of the river at Lousyville.
They were immediately rolled for change and a pair of boots by a gang of mutant children in Lousyville. Almost fifteen minutes later, they were chased out of town by the police. Seeing no one could understand their thick Bostonian accent, they were mistaken as gypsies. They were unceremoniously piled into a gut wagon and escorted to the city limits, where they were tossed out of the gut wagon. They had to make it on foot from there.
Seeing the town of Lousyville was not a fit place to be, Piddleplop and Widdledik began walking in the hot sun, covered with guts and river mud. Smelling like two wet gut piles themselves, they walked for two days until they happened upon a creek. They jumped into the water to bathe themselves and when they left the water, they are purported to have said, “Now that’s a Stinking Creek!” And the name stuck. They looked around and decided that this was a far west as they would dare go. Seeing how the town of Lousyville was hostile, they could only imagine how much worse it would be if they ventured onward.
There were trees and water, and a fair amount of game in the wilderness, so Piddleplop and Widdledik decided to settle the untamed wilderness. Seeing that they had to come up with a suitable name for their new town, each wrote down their ideas and met to compare what they had come up with. Many suggestions were made by each, and all were rejected by the other. The story is officially that Widdledik said to Piddleplop, “This place reminds me of a buzzards roost!”
But documents have been uncovered that suggest that it was indeed Piddleplop saying to Widdledik, “Look, that vulture's vomiting!”
So they agreed to name the town Vulture Vomit.
It so happened that the pair painted a sign that read Welcome to Vulture Vomit and posted it at the city limits. Of course there was no city then, just a coon skin lean-to and a campfire. Several days went by when a wagon load of harlots came passing by and a woman by the name of Nellie Dinkletwit commented, “I hate the name of this town!”
It was Tyrus Piddleplop who looked upon the woman, a homely woman with a wart on her nose and a droopy eye, and said, “Well, you look like buzzard bait to me!”
George Widdledik had an idea and went to repaint the sign: Welcome to Buzzardbait!
Some of the harlots decided to remain in Buzzardbait, and were eaten by the local wildlife. The only survivor was Nellie Dinkletwit. The animals, it seemed, thought she was too ugly to consume and left her alone. She walked nearly an hour until she returned to Buzzardbait and became chummy with Tyrus Piddleplop. Later that afternoon, Piddleplop married the homely madam of the harlots.
That was when Harlan Zuckerphuk, who hauled Glop Beer from nearby Lousyville, came across the little burg called Buzzardbait and suggested the town needed a saloon for wayward travelers. George and Tyrus slaved daily for nearly two days until they had erected a log building with a sign upon the door: Buzzardbait Inn and Saloon. And that was when Piddleplop and his new bride set up the towns first brothel. Seeing that she was the only woman in town at that point, she was very busy.
It was then that a man came wandering into town with no shoes and a thick New York accent. His name was Carmine O’Tinkler. He had been run out of Lousyville two days before because he reminded the police of someone that pissed them off. Immediately Tyrus Piddleplop hired him as the bartender for the Saloon. The following day, Abner Schitts came rolling into town on a beer wagon, where he sold his entire inventory of Piss Beer to the saloon.
At the same time, the rest of the harlots returned to town on their wagon and Madam Nellie Dinkletwit suggested that she let the girls occupy the upstairs rooms and cut George Widdledik and Tyrus Piddleplop in on the action. Besides, Madam Nellie needed the rest. So, the Brothel/Inn was very busy as people from all over the area began flocking to Buzzardbait for the cheap hookers and the beer.
Carmine O’Tinkler and one of the ladies of the brothel, Zula Baggchomper, decided to get married after a whirlwind three day courtship.
Tyrus and Nellie Piddleplop, both yearning for a better life, moved to what is now known as Poon Point and started a Tobacco-flavored Cumquat farm.
George Widdledik then hooked up with another of the ladies, Wilma Dorkhumpper and left to open a free range chicken farm in Arkansas. They never returned to Buzzardbait.
A stranger on a horse by the name of Horace Limpwiggler, stayed at the inn overnight and ended up marrying one of the ladies of the brothel, a big-boobed woman named Carla Winkerdink. The stranger and his new bride settled south of Buzzardbait in what is now known as Hooter Heights. The horse, Horace Limpwiggler, became the star of the Wingding Brothers Circus and went on to appear in the very first western movie, ‘A Fistful of Something Gooey.’
Abner Schitts continued to run beer from Lousyville to Buzzardbait, but later retired and married one of the ladies of the brothel, Lily Whiterump. They started a Lemon Beet farm in what’s now known as Aureole Acres.
That left the last of the ladies of the brothel, Wanda Hormeister. She ran the brothel by hand until she could locate more girls to work there. But at the same time, she married Carmine O’Tinkler, who appointed himself mayor. They also started the Buzzardbait Livery Stable and Feed Store; the Buzzardait Bank and Bathhouse and the Buzzardbait Barber Shop and Dentist Office.
But that was when tragedy came to Buzzardbait. The town was invaded by a vile villain vexing the vibrant village. His name was Texas Rex Beaver. He rode into town and raped all the men and shot all the horses. The women, as the research shows, were often the target of his anger. He would throw horse manure at them and taunt them for wearing frilly undergarments. Obviously Texas Rex Beaver had issues.
But a lawman soon rode into town. Marshall Roscoe Clappgiver was trailing Texas Rex Beaver and there was a gunfight on Main Street three days thereafter. Beaver was gunned down and buried out in the wilderness in what is now known as Beaver Lick. Marshall Clappgiver was offered the job as town sheriff and began setting up what is now the Buzzardbait Police Department.
And that beats the official story that has been taught to the children in school. The painstaking three days of research trumps the official story that Piddleplop and Widdledik settled Buzzardbait and later shipped out to fight the Indians at Fort Knox, or the alternative version that had the pair mining for gold in the Klondike and becoming major player at the Battle of the Wounded Elbow when Canada invaded Sweden back in 1851.
So now you know the real story of Buzzardbait, Kentucky. Don’t you feel better?
A paid advertisement:
He swam the Amazon River in search of lost civilizations.
He raced cars in Monte Carlo, just to prove to himself he could.
He climbed mighty mountains, just to watch the sunset.
He adorned a matador's outfit and stepped in the ring with El Toro Diablo, the meanest bull south of the border...
And that's where he screwed up!
He doesn’t always drink beer,... But now, when he does, it will be through an IV.
Tres Equis... Stay thirsty, and away from the bull, my friends.
XXX Tres Equis. © Buzzardbait Brewery and Sludge Pond, Buzzardbait, KY
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