The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/11/2012

By popular demand, we here at The Curious Urinal are proud (well, proud may not be the correct word to use here in this instance--- More like almost embarrassed, but forced to do this because of contractual concerns) to bring you...

PRODUCTS FROM
AROUND THE WORLD

Caution: The following products are from other parts of the world, and some of the names can be confused with Americam slang for bodily functions, slurs, ect. This is for humor only, and is not intended to rile you up, get your panties in a wad, and otherwise Pissing you off. If your skin is so thin that you can read a newspaper thru it in a dark room, then you may want to avoid this edition like the plague... Just saying. The Editor


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There are toilet papers out there that claim to be soft, absorbent and good for the environment.

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This Edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Dingleberry Wine

Dingleberry Wine comes in four great flavors: Cherry, Blueberry, Flaming Berry and Chocolate Fudge! When you think wine, think Dingleberry Wine! The wine of the non-discriminatory drinker. And at a price any wino can afford! Dingleberry Wine... Squeezed from only the freshest Dingleberries picked daily from our factory in Buzzardbait, KY. Remember, if it's ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt! Dingleberry Wine Inc. Buzzardbait, KY.

Disclaimer:

The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after three or four bottles. Also, the aftertaste of Dingleberry Wine had been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass! Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following. Aspartame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenylketonurics, Small undigested pieces of meat, Wads of used toilet tissue, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and Flavoring.

The consumption of Dingleberry Wine can be hazardous to you health.

The following can and probably will occur. Blurred vision, Erratic behavior, Memory loss, Hallucinations, Projectile vomiting, Explosive diarrhea, Loss of motor functions, Convulsions, Complete and sudden death, Blood in the stool, on the couch and the recliner, along with a trail wherever you've walked, and Hairy Tongue Syndrome.

Not to mention a real shitty taste in your mouth after drinking.

Never drink or drive - unless you just really have to do it, in which case, call your local hospital to have an ER standing by on your behalf.
Remember drink responsibly and never, ever, no matter what anyone else tells you, stop drinking Dingleberry Wine!

The Curious Urinal -  Friday 5/4/2012

Bin Laden's Journal Revealed
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Just about a year ago to the day, Osama (Usama) Bin Laden was gunned down by Seal Team Six (YEAH!). Now, newly released documents reveal what was going on inside the mind of the terrorist mastermind.

These documents, obtained from Bin Laden's compound, reveal that the former Al Qaeda leader was unsure of the terror network's affiliate groups and his ability to control them.

But further reading details what else held the attention of America's Most Wanted in the days and weeks before his death. The 17 documents  (totaling about 175 pages in Arabic) range in dates from September 2006 to April 2011. The following are but a sample of his thoughts:

"I am deeply troubled by terrorist attacks carried out by regional jihadist groups that caused Muslim civilian casualties. No Muslim should fall victim except when it is absolutely necessary,"

"We shall avoid carrying out attacks in Islamic countries except for the countries that fell under invasion and direct occupation."

"I need to talk to Nike about my Air Usama idea!"

"Gilligan's Island cracks me up. Little buddy could be a terrorist bomber if he had the right training. And Ginger and Mary Ann would look good in Burqa's."

"My Rice Crispies are not as talkative as normal. I think they're plotting against me!"

"Death to America... Unless George Lucas will release a new Star Wars Trilogy."

"I hate Camel Chips. Even with salsa, they taste like shit!"

"My feet are killing me! I should invest in some hiking boots instead of these stupid sandals."

"Wheel of Fortune comes on at the same time as my favorite Soap Opera - One Life to Martyr. I suppose I need to buy a VCR."

"If I find out which wife dipped my beard in the Yak pudding while I slept, I'll cut her head off with a butter knife!"

"Gorgonzola cheese cannot disguise the taste of goat. I have to stop kissing the goat when I have sex with it!"

"I cannot stand American Idol. If Randy Jackson says "Dawg" one more time, I'll puke!"

"I really wish I had something else to eat besides these damned cans of three year old Spam."

"Hold on, I think I heard someone at the door..."

That was the last entry, aside for some brain matter and hunks of skull on the pages.


In Local News

Local Business Closes Soon After Opening
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

It was a business plan like no other. These two men had years of experience and the know-how to get the business up and running.

Marty Gross and Phillip Rancid had the perfect idea when they decided to go into business together. One had spent years as a master butcher and the other had years of experience in the produce business. They decided to open their business during a recession because people have to eat, and they would have the lowest prices in town to make sure that the people would want to shop with them. Both knew that nothing could go wrong.

Their gimmick was simple - one half of the store would house the largest selection of fresh vegetables anywhere, and the other half would be the biggest butcher shop in the country.

So, having put together their marketing plan, they secured a $1,000,000 loan to build a new store. They stocked it with their meats and vegetables, and then they opened their store, spending every last dime they had to make it the biggest thing ever to take place in Buzzardbait.

But there was just one small problem. Once the business opened, no one came to shop.

Rancid Meats and Gross Vegetables was a wonderful idea that failed to catch on in Buzzardbait, and no one knows why.



This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:


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Buzzardbait, Ky

The Curious Urinal - Friday 4/27/2010
Afternoon Edition
Local Nightspot Celebrates
Buzzardbait Days
By New Staff Reporter Harry Greasydik

Well, it's that time of year again. Wednesday night was a special night at  Big Al's Titty Emporium. All of the usual dignitatries from all over Ammo County were in attendance to celebrate the Anniversary of Buzzardbait's founding.

The crowd was enthusiastic as the celebration spilled outside Big Al's Lap Dance Shed at the Titty Emporium. Among the activities this year was Corn Hole, Bobbing for Condoms, and a Deep-fried Twinkie Eating Contest.











Most of Ammo County was in attendence for the celebration. Many of the Buzzardbait Chamber of Commerce refused to attend though, as they were protesting the celebration being held at Big Al's place yet again. Most of the Chamber of Commerce wanted to celebrate the party at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, but County Judge Clyde Forkem said that Big Al's Titty Emporium had always held the party, since they had the biggest beer cooler in all of Ammo County.

A few of the attendees were retrospective about the event. Take Oliver Closeoff. He said in his annual speech, "Two-hundred and some odd years ago, this town was nothing more than a shithole. Now, it's the epicenter of big business and modern living! We're livin' large now!"













Oliver Closeoff, The Ammo County Road Commisioner,
is seen enjoying himself during the festivities.










One of Big Al's dancers, Candy Glitterlick said, "This is about as much fun as this past New Year's Party. I must have given at least fifty lap dances that night. I'm over halfway there now! My ass is gonna be sore tomorrow!"








County Judge, Clyde Forkem, took a break
from the fun to take an important call.


The highlite of the evening was when Blues Legend, and spokesman for Dingleberry Wine, Milo Days, stepped up to the microphone and began belting out an unrelenting rendition of 'I got the Big-Breastedest Woman Blues!'










Blues Legend Milo Days
When it was all said and done, the celebration was enjoyed by the packed house at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Even Big Al himself had to say, "This was a lot more fun than last year when half the girls had a bad case of crabs. We took a hit in the lap dance derby that night, I can tell you. But this year looks to be a banner year!"

The Curious Urinal - Friday 4/20/2012

SPECIAL AFTERNOON EDITION

Buzzardbait Bans Beers From Store Shelves -Many Are Miffed
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Alabama has banned a certain beer from their store shelves because of a dirty word. Fat Bastard Beer, brewed in Michigan, has been banned in Alabama stores that are allowed to sell liquor or beer (and there are precious few that do).

Not to be outdone, Buzzardbait, and all of Ammo County, has decided that there are certain beers that cannot be sold in any grocery or liquor store, and also any bars or restaurants, due to their perceived bad names.

For example, Fat Whanker Lager cannot be sold anywhere in the county, nor can Smelly Bear Ass Beer. In fact, the following beers: Old Piss Beer, Jock Strap Sqeezin's Beer, Floppy Titty Stout Ale, Bullsh*t Beer, Co**sucker Beer, You Effing Bitch Beer, and our personal favorite, Eat Sh*t and Die Lite Beer, cannot be sold in Buzzardbait, Hooter Heights, or any other county-approved retail outlet, bar or restaurant.

Big Al of Big Al's Titty Emporium, who sells these and other "Normal-named" beers, has protested the decision, stating: "Discriminating against certain beers because of their names is akin to racism, homophobia, and downright ignorance from a bunch of freeloaders in the county seat who want to keep the local residents from enjoying any of these wonderful brews. If you're afraid of the names of the beers, then what about Schitts Beer? Why can you sell Schitts and not Piss Beer?"

Good question... So we sought answers.

Irvin Schitts, who died many years ago, was unavailable for comment, but Ho Lee Schitts, his great-grandson who now runs the Schitts Brewery, said, "I was raised in China. There, we had many odd names for beers, most of which cannot be translated in English because they may come across as offensive to certain politicians and wussies! We were thinking of importing a few of these beers to the area, but now I think we will be unable to import such wonderful ales as Smelly Pus*y Beer, Fu*kin' Asshole Dark Ale, or my personal favorite, Bitch, Get Me a Beer Cream Ale."

Even some people in county government thinks the decision stinks. Take Oliver Closeoff... He says, "One of my favorite beers is called Fu*k Off Premium Stout. When you say Fu*k Off, you've said it all!" He added, "Hey, if these pansy-assed politicians can't run the county, then why are they trying to run liquor sales? I think they all suck!"

So, beers like Dog Wizz Lite, Old Sweat Socks Beer, and Cream of Sum Yung Gui Winter White Beer with Protein can be sold, but Rotten, Lousy Son of a Bitch Beer cannot be sold anywhere in Ammo County, thanks to our forward-thinking politicians.

Let's all remember that the First Amendment rights to free speech are under assault by these so-called leaders, and if I can't buy Fu*k You Mother Fu*ker Beer, then my rights have been violated!

Viva the First Amendment!

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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Corner of Main and 5th

Beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait

The Curious Urinal  Friday 4/13/2012

SPECIAL LATE NIGHT EDITION

Buzzardbait Woman Arrested in Burgers for Sex Sting
By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker

A Buzzardbait resident was charged with solicitation Wednesday after she apparently showed up at the Phurr Resturant asking for sex in trade for some cheeseburgers.

Faith Knowmore, 47, was arrested after she allegedly offered sexual favors for two Phurrburgers with cheese.

Detective Inspector, of the Buzzardbait Police Department, invited Ms. Knowmore into his car on Friday and started talking about sex.

Knowmore allegedly said that her fee was two Phurrburgers-- with cheese --  costing a grand total of $6.75. Of course, Knowmore was also allegedly looking for a tip of $50 for her services.

The detective bought the burgers and drove to a vacant lot near Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, where a group of undercover police officers arrested Knowmore on charges of prostitution. It's yet unclear whether she was allowed to eat the delicious Phurrburgers before she was taken to jail.

When asked about the incident, Dect. Inspector said, "She must have really been hungry for those burgers, and just the thought of them made me go back and buy a couple for myself. There's nothing like a Phurrburger!"

Faith Knowmore was released on Saturday after posting $500 bail. Her trial is set for August. If convicted, Ms. Knowmore could be facing 10 years in jail and no access to Phurrburgers... Except maybe from a cellmate.


This edition of The Curious Urinal was brought to you by:

BUZZARDBAIT DAIRY BARN

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Buzzardbait Dairy Barn

Corner of 5th and Main in Downtown Buzzardbait, KY!

The Curious Urinal - 4/6/2012
GOOD FRIDAY EDITION!

Buzzardbait High Preparing for Prom Night
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Okay, if any of you parents remember last year's prom, you probably spent it bailing out your kids from jail. Well, this year, Buzzardbait High School is sending the following warning to all of the seniors parents.

Notice to parents:

Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Senior Dance on Friday, May 27th. This years theme is It's Finally Time to Get Out of Hell!

Chaperone's are once again requested to attend this year dance as the high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers who chaperoned for the last two years. The dance has become dangerous and we need parents who can still control their children to please attend.

Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait over the last two years will also note that over 90% of the graduating seniors missed graduation day due to the bail hearings.

The brawls that have rolled out into the streets must stop. We are the only school in Ammo County to post more arrests records in the newspaper than graduation reports. Please, let's stop this from getting worse!

If you wish to be one of the chaperone's, the requirements include the following: being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds - as some of our students are fairly good sized. Also, anyone with pepper spray or a Louisville Slugger baseball bat (Except for aluminum bats) may carry those items again this year. We are also considering electric cattle prods for use this year as well. Last year they were nixed due to a shortage of D-cell batteries. We have an ample stock this year, so bring them if you have them.

Benefits to the chaperone's include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance). Also, Findem, Suem and Skrewem, Attorneys at Law, will be handling assault charges levied against chaperone's for a discounted fee.

Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

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Dingleberry Winery, Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/30/2012

If you follow college sports then you know that we are in full March Madness. As many of you know, the University of Louisville and the University of Kentucky are facing off Saturday in the Final Four.

Having said that, not one of the staff of The Curious Urinal has been productive at all this week. In fact, two of them (each a fan of either UofL of UK) got into a fist fight and were suspended. The rest have been making bets and drinking on the job.

So, in order to provide you, dear readers (both of you) with your weekly dose of the CU, I'm re-running the following -

The Curious Urinal Interview - Milo Days
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Today, we speak with Milo Days... The Best Bluesman in the Business! So, when we learned that we were fortunate enough to land this interview with one of America's busiest Bluesmen, we did our homework.

MD: Welcome to my humble abode.

CU: Thanks. This palace is wonderful!

MD: I call it the old country dump!

CU: 30,000 square foot of country dump, I’d say!

MD: Yeah, man, but I had to build a place big enough for my studio, and to put up all my gold records!

CU: Speaking of which, what’s happening with your career, Mr. Days?

MD: Call me Milo, man. I don’t do that Mister stuff. That’s so passe.

CU: Okay, Milo. So what’s the latest?

MD: Well, I’m working on my latest CD. It's gonna be called: Milo Days, The Blues Done Got A Hold On Me! I’ve been working my fingers to da bone all over that guitar. And man, I've been diggin’ it!

CU: Milo, your fans are very loyal to you. They sell out every venue you play. They buy every CD you put out. How can you keep being fresh in today’s music market and still be true to the fans?

MD: First of all, the fans are what I live for... Well, that and some Dingleberry Wine.

CU: But to remain relevant in the world of Hip Hop and Rap, Rock and Country, you somehow manage to make the Blues sound more appealing to the masses.

MD: Man, that ain’t no problem. Lots of folks are singing the blues lately! With the way things are today, most everybody is livin' the blues! And I know the blues, baby! I grew up on the mean streets of Buzzardbait. I have lived the blues!”

CU: But your parents were both professionals, if I’ve done my homework correctly. Your father was the first black dentist in Buzzardbait, and retired a wealthy man. Your mother was one of three of the founders of Kentucky Fricasseed Chicken here in Buzzardbait. She later sold her interests to some New York investment firm for millions of dollars. You went to the Buzzardbait School for the Well-To-Do, and graduated at the top of your class. You attended college at Yale and didn’t take up being a musician until after you retired from the Findem, Suem and Skrewem Law Firm.

MD: Man, did you dig up my arrest record, too?

CU: Actually, you have never served time in jail, and as far as we could find out, never did anything that was considered illegal, immoral or remotely related to living the Blues Lifestyle.

MD: Are you trying to ruin my career? Look, I am trying to earn a livin’ here! Stop telling everyone about my past, okay? Yeah, I did my time in corporate America. I paid my taxes and lived a damned good life. But the Blues got a hold of me and changed me from what I was into what I am today!

CU: Fair enough.

MD: Damn, you ain’t right; trying to mess up a good thing for me!

CU: Now, you do a lot of promotions for Dingleberry Wine. We checked the records and found that you made nearly a half-million last year for your commercials and other endorsements for the local winery.

MD: Yeah, so?

CU: Isn’t that like living the anti-blues lifestyle?

MD: Look, here’s the deal. I drink the wine and they pay me for my services and promote my CD’s and concerts heavily. Now, you got a problem with makin’ some dough?

CU: Not in the least. What I’m trying to get at is that...

MD: Look, man... I ain’t got no reason not to make money. It’s what America is all about! When some respectable person makes money, it’s called business. When a musician makes it, it’s called making a damned living! And I make a damned good livin’!

CU: Yes you do. Last year was a banner year for you. Your four releases sold nearly ten million CD’s last year. You get $5 a pop from the sales of your CD’s. That’s nearly fifty-million dollars!

MD: And rightly so, man! I earned my livin’! I play my ass off nearly every night somewhere across this great land of ours! Don’t think for a minute I haven’t earned every last dime of that. Now if I could just keep what I earned. The damned government wants to keep on takin' and takin' and handing it out to the banks, the car companies and a bunch of welfare cheats! I say screw em! Let em get out there and get a real job!
I earn my money, and I wanna keep it! You got a problem with that?

CU: I’m not saying that. I’m saying...

MD: Look, man... I have spent my career trying to be the very best bluesman on the planet. I've record more CD's than that damned BB King ever thought of doin’! Old John Lee Hooker never did half of what I do! And don’t even get me started of the damned Blues Brothers... Although they did give me the idea of making music instead of representing gutter scum, morons and thieves in court!

CU: You represented politicians in court?

MD: Yeah, man. Some of them needed to go to jail and stay there too! Old Charlie Rangel's done enough to serve life several times over. And he's just one of many that needs to see the inside of a jail cell and live the blues, iff'n you know what I mean? Maybe be some hoss' prison bitch. Oh, they'll be singing the blues in no time! But to answer your question, yeah! And that's what I like about the blues. I can play my music and not have to deal with those lowlifes!

CU: So, in other words, you have enjoyed your career?

MD: Damn skippy, I have!

CU: I hate to ask this, but what are your political views?

MD: I am an non-political kinda guy, man. Politics are for those that can’t hold down a steady gig, iff'n you know what I mean?

CU: Would you call yourself a Democrat, Republican or Independent?

MD: Are you asking me who I voted for in the last election?

CU: Well, not in so many words, but yes!

MD: Between you and me, I didn’t like either guy running. The old dude is a waffler and the other dude is a commie-loving... Well, you catch my drift!

CU: So you didn’t vote for anyone?

MD: I voted for the chick, baby!

CU: Hillary?

MD: Not that skank, man! The good looking one from up north!

CU: Sarah Palin from Alaska?

MD: Yeah, man! She’s the kinda woman I could be hanging out with and drinkin’ some wine and... Well, you know how that goes?

CU: But she’s married.

MD: So?

CU: Uh, never mind!

MD: Look here, man, I live the blues, baby! And there ain’t nothing that says the blues more than shaggin’ some married woman and making her man cry the blues!

CU: Or hunting you down and shooting you with a moose rifle!

MD: Well, there’s that, yeah!

CU: Well, thanks for sitting down with us today, Milo. Our readers will appreciate the open and honest story of your life.

MD: My pleasure. (Checking his watch) Damn, it’s time to go record. I better make a liquor store run before though. I’m running low on Dingleberry Wine!

CU: Need a ride?

MD: Nah, man. I got my limo driver for that!

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it usually is snuck into the hospital he happens to be recovering in.

Tres Equis - Stay thirsty... And away from the bulls, my friends!

The Curious Urinal  Friday 3/23/2012

Couples Therapy: 6 Reasons to Go
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Couples therapy sometimes can carry a negative stigma, preventing many couples from reaping its benefits. But there are plenty of reasons couples go to therapy, outside the threat of splitting up. We spoke with Anita Mann, Buzzardbait's authority on all things couples, and she gave us six common reasons she sees couples who are seeking to improve their relationship.

In-laws: Let's face it, having in-laws living with you can be like having wild animals in the house over the holidays. You probably hate them, wishing them death and dismemberment on a daily basis, but the problem with living with your in-laws may be simply that they serve no other purpose than to eat, sleep and butt into your business 254/7/365.  How to deal with the problem... Since you can't kill them (legally), here's the solution: Kick them out! Change the locks and pretend you're not home! Even if you happen to be living in their house at the time. Odds are that they will simply give up and move to Florida, never to speak to you again. Problem solved!

Parenting: I often see couples who have  children – That's the problem. Quit having those little brats! Children can be a big joy, if you allow someone else to raise them, otherwise they are little monsters that make noise, a mess, and refuse to pick-up after themselves. parenting can be a wonderful experience if you don't have kids!

Finances: This is one of the top reasons why couples break up. Someone’s a saver; someone’s a spender – The solution: Blame George Bush! The president has made a career of blaming George Bush for virtually everything, so why not you? Spend money you don't have, and borrow from China until they are broke, then go "Oopsie, I can't pay you back. George Bush made me do it!"

Religion: The solution here is simple: Marry someone that shares your beliefs, otherwise you'll end up in endless debates on whose religion is better, and we all know mine is!


Sickness or tragedy: For some, a trauma can bring couples together and for some, it can create a wedge. Deal with sickness or tragedy like I do... Ignore it! Who cares if your wife or husband is sick or dies? Let 'em! That's when you go out and find someone new and exciting, and forget about that old coot that you were married to before!

And lastly, Aging: Getting old sucks! Face lifts, tummy tucks, and boob jobs cannot stop death from slowly creeping up and biting you in your ass. The best way for a couple to deal with aging is to stop it! Don't get any older. Pretend you're 18 when you're 80. Wear clothing that looks ridiculous on you, get a Mohawk, a tattoo of yourself on your back that make you look like a circus sideshow reject, or better yet, refuse to act your age. Many couples can stay forever young by acting like children. Yes, there are mental health issues to contend with here, but who cares? Don't act your age, act your shoe size! You'll be much happier for the effort.


This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Buzzardbait Brewing Company, Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/17/2012

Local Company Promotes 'Man'gerie

By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker

Okay, call me a prude dude, but this latest fashion trend coming from Europe to the States happens to strike a nerve with me. Called Men's Lingerie, or Mangerie, a local fashion house is promoting this as the next big trend in male fashion.

We tried to speak with the owner of Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash, Irvin Girlin, but he sent one of his salespeople, Harry Reemer, to speak with us. When asked about the mangerie, Mr. Reemer said, "Oh girlfriend, this stuff is fabulous! I wear it all of the time for my partner!"

So, having been told that, I had to ask, "And does your 'partner' really like you wearing this kind of 'stuff?'"

"Dougie loves it, yes. Especially when I wear the pasties under the silky bra. It makes him so crazy, the silly goose!"

Well, Harry Reemer decided to demonstrate some of the new line of mangerie. We'll let you be the judge.

..This is Harry in the Mangerie he calls, Simply Sweet. It consist of a silky mansiere and some lacy manties. Also, notice the size 12 heels. Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash carries men's fashion footwear from sizes 6AA to 16 EEEE.

This is the same outfit, only coupled with the floor-length, sheer Silky Man Wrap. Mr. Reemer says, "It's so comfy that you'll simply want to wear it everywhere!"

Harry Reemer models one of the fashionable Mansieres (Man's Brassiere), made of heavy-duty silk-like materials and sporty A-Cup falsies to enhance any mans body. 

So, What do you think? Would you want to wear something like this? We asked several locals around Buzzardbait, and got some interesting reactions.

Jeb Cooter of Aureole Acres said, "Nope, not in a million years would I wear something like that!"

Whereas Slim Profit, owner of Slim's Used Mattresses and Sex Toys in Hooter Heights, said, "Well, if the better half wanted me to try it, I reckon I would. But not the high heels. No sir, I couldn't see my feet stuck in anything but my work boots!"

And Connie Crossmeandie, of Monkey Knuckles, KY, summed it up, saying, "If my husband wore something like that, I'd have to laugh, and then I'd beat him like a red-headed stepchild!"

Whether Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash sells many of these Mangerie items, the very fact that some men would wear this stuff really scares the hell out of me!

This Edition of The Curious Urinal

has been brought to you by:

Real Men Use

Buzzardbait Oil Company is another fine CCCoA Company

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America) 

Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/9/2012

Local Man Fears Cyber Attacks
By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker

It was a typical day at Wang's Computer Repair and Pawn Shop. Customers milling about, looking at used video games and jewelry, while others sifted through unwanted musical instruments and old Playboys. But the talk of the shop was very serious.

Harry Wang, owner of the computer and pawn shop, was speaking with a customer when I arrived, and the topic of conversation was cyber warfare. Peaking my interest, I joined in the conversation.

"So what are you afraid of when it comes to a cyber attack on the U.S.?" I asked.

Harry Wang shook his head, trying to get a grip on himself as he pondered such a deep subject. "I think I'm more afraid of what the foreign hackers would do to us."

"In what way?" Again I asked.

"You know, it used to be simple. You wrote a program, then you initiated it. Now, it's so much easier. You create viruses and unleash them on the computer world. My computer caught a cold from one of those viruses and hasn't felt good since."

"But you can purge the virus, right?"

"Well, it depends on the virus." He explained. "This last one was mean. My computer had the sniffles and a really bad cough for weeks. Poor thing."

At this point, I was really worried, but I asked, "So what else are you worried about?"

Wang, wringing his hands, replied, "Can you imagine if the hackers unleashed an army of Donkey Kong's on an unsuspecting world. Or Mario Brothers messing with the plumbing. And least we forget, Duke Nukem's running amok on our city streets!"

It was apparent that Harry Wang was delusional, but I couldn't resist the fun. "Or perhaps Zelda's and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles running around!"

"That's exactly what worries me!" Harry Wang looked frightened. "Space Invaders shooting up our cities, Kung Fu Street Fighters beating people up, and those thugs stealing our cars!"

"Grand Theft Auto!"

"Right! They could hinder people getting to hospitals, or work. People would be forced to ride the bus..."

"Or worse, lose their jobs and have to sit in Sim City waiting for a ride to the funny farm!"

"That would not be good, huh?" Wang got quiet and went limp. He looked at me and said, "If that ever happens, what in the world would we do about it?"

I replied, "It would be a Call to Duty, I suppose. Send in the military to take out those bad people!"

Wang seemed to like that idea, but quickly sighed, saying, "Unless they send in Transformers, then we're screwed!"

I nodded and smiled politely. "Right!"

I bid Harry Wang ado and quickly raced to the offices of The Curious Urinal, glad that I stopped by Harry Wang's little shop. But one thing has me worried... If there was a true Cyber Attack on America, would people like Harry Wang think that little Pac Men would be running around the streets, being chased by multi-colored ghosts? Or perhaps an army of Sonic the Hedgehog's suddenly running around bowling people over for spare change?

Sometimes it's better to not worry about it. I'm afraid that people like Harry Wang can't help but worry about it. And that's frightening indeed!

This Edition of The Curious Urinal was brought to you by:

Corpsedia: The drug of choice for those days when nothing goes right! When you wake up and it looks to be another 'One of Those Days', then Corpsedia may be right for you.

Do not take Corpsedia if you're allergic to the following:

Death.

Ask your doctor if Corpsedia is right for you.

Corpsedia is another fine product of CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)

Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/2/2012

BIG OSCAR NIGHT FOR BUZZARDBAIT
Story by Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

So there I was, dressed in my tuxedo, standing near the Red Carpet, microphone in hand, trying to get that interview with any number of celebrities. I heard a commotion, when out of nowhere came Sean Young. I asked her for a quick question, and she flipped me off.

Ah, Hollywood... Full of self absorbed movie stars and borderline talented reality stars.

I must have asked 30 or so supposed 'STARS' to field a question or two from this humble reporter, and had 30 or so rejections. All of the big celeb reporters were getting their questions answered--- Joan Rivers, working the Red Carpet like a shoe salesman at KMart, got all of her questions asked by all the stars that ambled by, yet this lone reporter was being snubbed. The would rather talk to that has-been, Joan Rivers, over me? The bitch!

Needless to say, it wasn't looking to be a good night for The Curious Urinal.

Then, here came Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, and his date. Stinky, seeing how despondent I was, came up to me and granted me a few questions. He shunned Ryan Seacrest for little old me at The Curious Urinal. So, I asked him, "Why are you here?"

Stinky, true to form, replied, "The swag and the free banana daiquiris!" Then he answered, "Actually, I'm up for an Oscar for my role in the latest Planet of the Apes flick. I hear I have good odds to win the Oscar this year. I was disappointed last year when I was snubbed because Tom Clues had me edited out of his movie, Mission: Apepossible: Monkey Protocol! That just sucked! And to add insult to injury, he boosted Tommy the Trunk Monkey's role! Talk about a bitch!" He added, "Speaking of which, I hope they don't give an Oscar to Meryl Streep this year! That would suck even more!"

 His date, looking lovely in a dress by designer J C Penney, said, "Stinky, come on. The E! people are begging for some pictures."

So Stinky gave me a wink, saying, "Women!" and waked away.

Later, Stinky the Feces-throwing Monkey won his Oscar.

Stinky, the Feces-throwing monkey accept the Academy Award for Best Primate in a movie about scientifically-mutated monkeys.

And that was it. I spent $600 on a lousy tuxedo rental, $1,800 in air travel, $2,000 on a swank room at the Holiday Inn and Suites, and I got one interview and one lousy picture. Oh well, at least I was here, rubbing elbows with the crowd that had gathered to gaze upon the vast array of Hollywood Stars.

Okay, so it wasn't a big night at the Oscars for Buzzardbait, but I did get to see Angelina Jolie's thigh, and that was worth all of the effort. I just hope the boss doesn't have a cow when he sees the expense report.

Here's the list of the 84th Annual Academy Award winners announced Sunday:

1. Best Picture: "The Artist."

2. Actor: Jean Dujardin, "The Artist."

3. Actress: Meryl Streep, "The Iron Lady."

4. Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, "Beginners."

5. Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer, "The Help."

6. Directing: Michel Hazanavicius, "The Artist."

7. Foreign Language Film: "A Separation," Iran.

8. Adapted Screenplay: Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash, "The Descendants."

9. Original Screenplay: Woody Allen, "Midnight in Paris."

10. Animated Feature Film: "Rango."

11. Art Direction: "Hugo."

12. Cinematography: "Hugo."

13. Sound Mixing: "Hugo."

14. Sound Editing: "Hugo."

15. Original Score: "The Artist."

16. Original Song: "Man or Muppet" from "The Muppets."

17. Costume Design: "The Artist."

18. Documentary Feature: "Undefeated."

19. Documentary Short: "Saving Face."

20. Film Editing: "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo."

21. Makeup: "The Iron Lady."

22. Animated Short Film: "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore."

23. Live Action Short Film: "The Shore."

24. Visual Effects: "Hugo."

25. Best Primate in a Movie about Scientifically-mutated Monkeys: Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey.



This Edition of The Curious Urinal was brought to you by:
 

Remember kids - There's a toy surprise in each and every box of Monkey Nuts Cereal! This time, we have 25 different versions of real, fake, artificial, faux Monkey Poop.

Collect them all!

Monkey Nuts Cereal - Another fine product of CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America) 

Buzzardbait, KY.

THE BEST OF
The Curious Urinal Friday 2/24/2012

Due to popular demand (okay, only one person requested this), we here at The Curious Urinal are rerunning one of the Best Interviews ever.

The Curious Urinal Interview -

Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama.

We here at the Curious Urinal try to bring you the best interviews with some of Hollywood’s hottest stars, controversial figures, or political leaders. And today is no exception. The Curious Urinal was granted a special interview with the current and two former presidents. The following is the result of a hard-fought process to speak with the three gentlemen at once.

CU: Thank you all for agreeing to take a few minutes to talk with us.

WJC: My pleasure.

BHO: Any time.

GWB: Always good to speak to the press.

CU: Let’s cut to the chase. Mr. President, you are pushing for more and more government control over the lives of all Americans. The question is why?

BHO: I assume you are talking to me?

CU: Yes.

BHO: Uh, well, er, I wasn’t prepared to , uh, answer any questions pertaining to, uh, policy.

CU: But you can at least tell us what your agenda is pertaining to spending trillions of dollars, which has many economist baffled, by the way, to stimulate the economy?

BHO: Bill, you want to answer this one?

WJC: Sorry, you’re on your own.

BHO: Uh, well, you see, uh, it’s like, uh, I've been busy cleaning up the mess left by the previous administration...

GWB: There you go again. How many times are you going to blame me for what the democrats have been doing since 2006? And what you're doing now?

BHO: George, I believe the question was directed toward me.

CU: Well, anyone who would like to answer for you, Mr. President, would be fine.

BHO: Bill?

WJC: (Phone ringing) Sorry, Hilary is calling. (He answers the phone)

GWB: Come on, Barack. Answer the mans question.

BHO: I’ll have to get back to you on, uh, that particular item. I’ll, have Rahm send you, uh, some propaganda... I, uh, I mean information.

WJC: (hanging up the phone) Uh oh!

CU: What’s wrong, Mr. Clinton?

WJC: Hilary just found my collection of Hustler Magazines hidden in my sock drawer. She’s pissed!

GWB: I’ve seen her pissed. It’s not a pretty sight!

WJC: Even when she’s not pissed, it’s not a pretty sight!

(laughter)

CU: Okay, getting back to my original question. President Obama, can you tell our readers why you feel it necessary to continue spending taxpayers dollars on stimulus packages, over-bloated healthcare bills and bailouts when people are simply looking to find gainful employment?

BHO: I wasn’t aware of economic questions, er, being, uh, brought up. I’ll defer to Bill.

WJC: You know, I call Hilary my anti-gravity wife.

GWB: Why’s that?

WJC: Because she’s always up in the air about something!

(laughter)

CU: Gentlemen, if we could continue with the interview.

(laughter between the presidents continues)

GWB: You know, I kept America safe after 9/11. Old Barry here can’t keep Charlie Rangel out of trouble, much less stop terrorists from entering the country.

BHO: I take, uh, offense, uh, to that!

GWB: Why are you stumbling over your words?

WJC: Because there’s no teleprompter handy for him to read.

(laughter between Clinton and Bush)

CU: Gentlemen, I have to ask about mistakes made during your administrations. What do you think was your biggest mistake?

GWB: Not getting Bin Laden!

WJC: Monica. But damn it was good!

BHO: So far, I have been too busy trying to clean up the mess left by the previous administration to make any mistakes!

GWB: You know, if you weren’t the president, I’d pop you one right on the nose for that.

WJC: Hell, Barack, you’ve spent over four times the money in a year and a half than what George did in eight years.

BHO: Uh, I, er, had to, uh...

GWB: Clean up my mess! Yes, I think everyone has heard that song and dance routine before!

WJC: (phone ringing) I have to take this. I’ll be right back.

CU: So, gentlemen, next question: When you sum up your experience as Commander in Chief, how did, or do you think you have done?

GWB: I think I instilled pride in the military. Having had some experience in the military helped me to do so.

BHO: Come on, you were in the National Guard. Your military experience means nothing.

GWB: At least I served in something besides the Socialist Party and Acorn!

BHO: And you can’t even say nuclear, much less have the intelligence to deal with nuclear treaties and dealing with rogue nations like Iran and North Korea.

GWB: If your party hadn’t blocked me at every turn, I could have dealt with that. And speaking of not being able to pronounce words, Mr. Smartypants, what the hell is Epantsapation?

WJC: Sorry, that call was important. I know what Epantsapation is! The inability to remove your pants while on the internet. Hilary saw to that!

(laughter between the presidents)

CU: Seriously, gentlemen, The country is in turmoil and needs direction. Who’s leadership would be better at this moment?

BHO: Mine!

WJC: Mine!

GWB: The two of you together couldn’t run a whore house on a slow night!

WJC: I think I might be able keep em busy!

(laughter between Bush and Clinton)

BHO: I have been dealing with the mess left from...

WJC and GWB: The previous administration!

GWB: You sound like a broken record!

WJC: I balanced the budget, So my leadership would straighten out the current mess!

GWB: You borrowed money from Social Security and fudged the books. I saw the budget, remember?

BHO: And you spent money on two wars and cut taxes for the rich!

GWB: And everything was going just fine till Nancy and the gang took over in 2006. Then all hell broke loose!

CU: Could we have a civilized discussion here?

BHO: Look, uh, I have a tee time to get to. I’ll have someone send you a picture of me and that should suffice.

WJC: And I just got a call from an old friend who wants to have some fun this afternoon. I have to go.

GWB: Well, I suppose I need to go too. I have a meeting with Jeb about maybe continuing the Bush Dynasty in 2012.

CU: So this is it? I get 5 minutes and not one straight answer?

WJC: We’re politicians. We don’t give straight answers!

BHO: Good answer!

GWB: Yeah, what they said!


A personal note: When the interview ended, I went to the bar and had a few drinks and several aspirin. My head was killing me!