SPECIAL LATE EDITION
GOVERNMENT WASTES MORE MONEY... AGAIN!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
According to a recent audit of government spending, back in 2001, $592,000 was spent by the National Institutes of Health on a study concerning why chimpanzees threw their poop. Since that study, no definitive answer has been forthcoming. So we went to the source, Buzzardbait's own Chimp/Celeb Stinky, the Feces-Throwing Monkey.
In speaking with Stinky, I asked him why he and his Chimp friends threw poop. Here's his answer:
"The reason chimpanzees throw their poop is no mystery. It's there, it's fun, and it annoys scientists who long for an answer as to why. I, of course, have made a very nice living doing so, and it has afforded me the ability to date beautiful women, live in upscale upper east side Manhattan suites, and appear in mega motion pictures like Starr Warped and Tennessee Smith and the Final Frontier."
Why I asked his if he could demonstrated his technique, Stinky was more than willing to share some of his secrets in poop-tossing.
"First, you need to cup your hand like so, then scoop as much poo as possible, and then you fling it at someone and hope to score a head shot, or even better, that prized open-mouth shot that only comes along once in a lifetime. Those are just pure luck if you can make them. I got Sir Richard Branson once aboard his private jet while en route to England to meet the Queen. That money shot is the all-time best I have ever gotten. I was very pleased with it, although Sir Richard was less than pleased. And that is the sole reason I can never fly Virgin Atlantic. He placed me on the no-fly list. Sir Richard was less than amused when I tossed some poo at the Queen too. I was banned from ever visiting England thereafter. Ah, memories."
There you have it, from an actual expert in the art of poo-tossing, Stinky, the Feces-Throwing Monkey.
The government shouldn't waste taxpayers money with such nonsense; just go the the experts and seek your answers.
Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey
accepting the Academy Award for Best Actor
for his role in Starr Warped in 2011.
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