The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/25/2012

SPECIAL MEMORIAL DAY EDITION

Memorial Day Weekend is Here -
Picnics and Parades on To Do Lists
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Buzzardbait is preparing for its big Memorial Day Weekend with a huge two block yard sale, a parade, and fireworks in the park.

First up - Poon Point residents are gearing up for their second annual Block Yard Sale, only this year there will be two blocks of crap for sale by residents desperate to get rid of their junk for rent money, gas money, and beer money for the weekend.

Secondly - Buzzardbaits' annual Memorial Day Parade, held on the Saturday before Memorial Day, always draws huge crowds. Last year set an attendance record, as 47 people lined Main Street to see the float, the Buzzardbait High Marching Band (all six of them), several horses and riders from the Hooter Heights Dude Ranch, and Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, who was the Master of Ceremonies. This year, there is supposed to be a surprise float entry, and maybe someone to clean-up the horse crap too!

Then, Saturday night, the big Buzzardbait fireworks display takes place at 9:30. This year, as opposed to last year, there will be almost $49 worth of fireworks used. Last year's paltry $15 display consisted of as handful of sparklers and one M-80. Promoters say this year will be the best fireworks display yet!

And finally, a big Thank You goes out to our men and women in uniform, who keep us free and fight for others to be free all around the world. Some gave all, all gave some, and we all should be grateful for their service to this nation!


President Narrowly Avoids Defeat in Primaries
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

It would seem that President Obama has some stiff competition in now Three Primaries as of late. First, two weeks ago, a convicted felon, Keith Judd, who is serving time in a Texas Federal Prison, took a large percentage of votes in West Virginia, earning 41 percent of the vote. Now, Arkansas and Kentucky have also been unkind to the president.

"Uncommitted" took a major share of the votes this past Tuesday in the  Kentucky Primary, and in the Arkansas primary, a lawyer from Tennessee took a large chunk of the votes. Is this a sign that the president is struggling in Southern states?

In the Arkansas primary, attorney John Wolfe Jr., took 42 percent of the vote, compared to 58 percent for Obama. Meanwhile, in Kentucky, 42 percent of registered Democrats voted "uncommitted," compared to 58 percent for the president, according to official results.

Is this a sign of weakness in the Democratic Party? Or perhaps voters are tired of what Washington DC has to offer? Either way, come November, the president may have to be calling 3 Dudes and a Pick-up Truck to begin the daunting task of moving his belongings out of the White House.

Want Ads

The following are actual want ads from The Curious Urinal.

Wanted: Ten well dressed and hard-working individuals for door to door sales. The last 10 people were not well dressed, nor hard-working. In fact, they really sucked at the job, causing us to lose business, making the jobs for the 10 people we do hire even harder. Long days of walking, talking, and carrying heavy boxes of goods will be in store for you. We do not want you to be hanging out with your friends, texting, drinking beer, or sleeping while you are working for us, like the last bunch of idiots did. Good pay for those who qualify. If you have applied here before and were not called, please do not apply again, as we didn't hire you for a reason. This a commission only sales job. You will not be paid for your job unless you sell something. So don't ask for gas money, bus fare, or an advance so you can go to the mall and buy some decent clothes.

Apply in person at: 
Richard Heads House of Unwanted Magazines            
5th and Main, Buzzardbait, KY
Between the hours of 10 and 10:15  a.m. on Mondays only.

We will not accept applications before or after this time, so don't ask. We get pretty sick and tired of telling people that we only take applications on Mondays between 10 and 10:15 a.m. If you can't read the sign that's clearly posted, then odds are you cannot read, or you're just too stupid to understand plain English! Geez, how hard is it for you people to understand the rules? Are you that freakin' stupid? If so, we don't want or need you to apply.
__________________________

Help, we're swamped!
Three Dudes and a Pick-up Truck is currently looking for at least 3 more people and at least one with another pick-up truck (or moving van) who have strong backs and knows when to keep their mouths shut. We just want you to move furniture, not display your speaking abilities. We pay weekly, unless we have a really bad month, then it could be monthly.
Apply at:
3 Dudes and a Pick-up Truck
on the corner of 5th and Main.
Buzzardbait, KY.

___________________________

Margie's House of Ill Repute is looking for 5 women to run their newest Cat House in Hooter Heights. No experience needed, will train. Located near Big Al's Titty Emporium, behind the Hooter Heights Truck Stop. Get paid to be on your back all day! Apply in person, no phone calls please.

Margie's House of Ill Repute
Where the customer comes first!

__________________________

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Next time your kids ask, "Hey Mom... What's for breakfast?"

How about you saying, "A big honking bowl of Monkey Nuts!"

Monkey Nuts Cereal...

Taste as great as its name!

Monkey Nuts Cereal is another great product from CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)

Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/18/2012

Fireworks Light up Buzzardbait
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Last night was just an ordinary night for Buzzardbait. Softball games in the park; walking the dog down the street; an explosion that created mayhem.

Buzzardbait Big Bang Fireworks and Bait Shop had just opened their tent to the public for the Memorial Day/Fourth of July fireworks buyers when the unthinkable happened. Sitting out in the furthest parking area near Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, Buzzardbait Big Band Fireworks and Bait Shop opened to much hoopla. Music filled the air as several shoppers were pulling up to see what the fireworks store had for sale.

But in an instant, chaos rained down from the sky.

Someone tossed a careless cigarette from their car window as they passed the tent. The wind caught it just right and carried it into the tent, where it came to rest on a table full of M-80's and Roman candles.

The resulting explosion rocked the area. neighbors a mile away reported feeling, then hearing the explosion. Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, reported that he was sitting at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand when the explosion took place. "Suddenly, the entire area lit up, and the noise was deafening. Stuff began falling from the sky. It was a mess!"

Owner Sid "Pyro" Mania reported that his entire inventory, estimated to be nearly $60,000 in fireworks, went up in smoke. Along with the fireworks being lost, over a thousand worms lost their lives in the blast. Mr. Mania has no plans to reopen his business.


Buzzardbait Library Offers Summer Reading Program
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Buzzardbait Library and Moose Lodge has listed several books for avid readers to enjoy this summer. The following is a partial list of those books:


Hare in my Mouth - By Adolph Oliver Busch : The story of a man, a woman, a rabbit, and a barn in the middle of a windstorm in 1890's Kansas.

Dutch Oven - By Ima Gaggen : The tale of two men discovering gas in 1850's Oklahoma.

On Golden River - By I.P. Freeley : Set in California during the Gold Rush years, our hero must cross a mighty river to reap his reward.

Antlers in the Treetops - By Whogoose D. Moose - A hunting trip turns into a nightmare for a group of friends in 1930's Alaska.

Fishing for Lung Oysters - By Hugo Hockaloogie - The tale of three fishermen in post Civil War Alabama.

Tales of The White Swallow - By Ima Cummins -  The tragic story of a little bird that fell from the sky, only to be crushed to death by an eighteen wheeler in post apocalyptic New Jersey.

Making Home Movies for Profit - By Peter Grippenhand - The autobiographical story of how a young director lost his mind, but finally managed to get a firm grasp on himself in Hollywood.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Remember kids - There's a toy surprise in each and every box of Monkey Nuts Cereal! This time, we have 25 different versions of real, fake, artificial, faux Monkey Poop.

Collect them all!

Monkey Nuts Cereal - Another fine product of CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)

Buzzardbait, KY.

The Curious Urinal - Friday 5/11/2012

By popular demand, we here at The Curious Urinal are proud (well, proud may not be the correct word to use here in this instance--- More like almost embarrassed, but forced to do this because of contractual concerns) to bring you...

PRODUCTS FROM
AROUND THE WORLD

Caution: The following products are from other parts of the world, and some of the names can be confused with Americam slang for bodily functions, slurs, ect. This is for humor only, and is not intended to rile you up, get your panties in a wad, and otherwise Pissing you off. If your skin is so thin that you can read a newspaper thru it in a dark room, then you may want to avoid this edition like the plague... Just saying. The Editor


In an age where so many products are loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives, there is only one product so full of natural ingredients that it’s hard to resist! It’s Fresh!













That’s right Fresh Cok Milk! Made from the finest Cok, Fresh Cok Milk is the answer to your organic dietary needs. Fresh Cok Milk is loaded with vitamins, all natural proteins and sugars that will keep your mouth happy! Fresh Cok Milk comes in quarts for your pleasure. Don’t jerk around...
Try Fresh Cok Milk today!

*****

Are you looking for a snack that's good for you?

Then you need to get some Megapussi! The bite-sized snacks that taste like chicken, but smells like tuna. They're wholesome, delicious and lip-licking good! It comes in a convenient box. Megapussi is the official snack food of The NBA, MLB, NFL and the Ladies PGA.
Megapussi... The name says it all!

*****

When Mr. Brain’s went to San Francisco and asked men what they wanted in a ready to eat meal, most men agreed....










They wanted two Pork Faggots! And Mr. Brain said, "Why have just two when you can have four!" Pork Faggots also come in a traditional Western sauce. It’s thick and creamy, with a hint of salt and sugar for a taste that everyone can swallow down! But what makes Pork Faggots absolutely fabulous is the sauce is whipped up daily, so it’s always fresh!
Pork Faggots... Try some for lunch or dinner, or even for a bedtime snack. Pork Faggots... They're not hard to find. Just bend over into the meat case and grab yourself some today!

*****

When you need a toilet paper that is strong, yet soft, look no further than
My Fannie!











The extra-wide toilet tissue for those big wipers. My Fannie feels so good! And in many decorator styles, My Fannie looks good too! Better than the ordinary wipes, My Fannie takes all you can dish out and still is ready for more. So next time you need something better than ordinary toilet paper, think of My Fannie! It wipes-out the rest!

*****

When your thirst just can’t be quenched by regular colas, there’s only one that taste as good as it looks.
               












Pee Cola... With no artificial colors or flavors, Pee Cola is the only logical choice. If you’re a whiz, then you already know that Pee Cola is bottled at the peak of freshness for that one-of-a-kind flavor. Its all natural taste is best when drank at room temperature. Hot Pee Cola is good for you, but Cold Pee Cola can hit the spot too! Don’t piss away your money on other carbonated drinks. Don’t piddle around with those other colas. Relieve yourself today... Have a Pee Cola!  It tastes as good as its name!

*****

Got a party tonight and need something that will keep it pumping? Or are you sitting around, watching a movie and need a snack that will keep you feeling good? Then you need to find some Happy Crak!









Happy Crak Popcorn will always be the hit of any party. There’s nothing like a Happy Crak to put a smile on your face, or the faces of all of your friends... Even if they get sloppy seconds. Happy Crak Popcorn comes in convenient 12-ounce bags. And there's no need to microwave it. Just work it in your hands and soon your Happy Crak is hot and ready! So pop a little Happy Crak in your mouth and let the party begin!

*****

There are beers, and then there's the beer that tastes as good as you’d expect from a Lager. A beer that will go down smooth and easy, and leaving a nice smile on your face. It may smell like the ass of a bear, but it taste goooood! And if you pour it right, you’ll get good head! What is it?














It’s Vergina Premium Lager. Vergina... Always tastes as good as it looks!

*****

After a hard day of exercising, wouldn’t it we nice to replenish those bodily fluids you lose? You don't want a sports drink that will dog you later? You want a sports drink that’s both all natural and completely free of wimpy names that try to make you feel important for drinking it? Then you need to try the latest product from Pet...










New Pet Sweat! Yes, Pet Sweat will quench that thirst like nothing else. Pet Sweat will replenish those lost fluids like nature intended. Don’t get into a lather after a bit of exertion. Don't settle for imitations; Drink Pet Sweat! The official drink of the ASPCA and PETA!

*****

There are toilet papers out there that claim to be soft, absorbent and good for the environment.

But no toilet tissue even comes close to our Pillow-soft, 100% recycled - ShitBegone!
ShitBegone...The name say’s it all!

*****

Royco presents the next generation of Japanese cuisine.













When you need to fix it fast and hot and you need it now, there is only one choice to make... New and Improved Shito Mix! Made with the finest Shit and O! You'll have a big Shito-eating Grin... Again and again. Shito Mix, made with all natural ingredients, including corn chunks.
Shito Mix... Now you can tell everyone to eat Shito!

*****

And finally,

There are times when you need an insect repellent, and other times when you need a great lubricant. Now, you can have both!






Announcing New Wack-Off! It’s Tropical Strength! Used by the Armed Forces when out in the remote jungles, Wack-Off provides you with a proven insect repellent during the day, and doubles as a great lubricant for those lonely nights hanging out in the jungle.
Wack-Off... Wrap your hands around some today!

This Edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Dingleberry Wine

Dingleberry Wine comes in four great flavors: Cherry, Blueberry, Flaming Berry and Chocolate Fudge! When you think wine, think Dingleberry Wine! The wine of the non-discriminatory drinker. And at a price any wino can afford! Dingleberry Wine... Squeezed from only the freshest Dingleberries picked daily from our factory in Buzzardbait, KY. Remember, if it's ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt! Dingleberry Wine Inc. Buzzardbait, KY.

Disclaimer:

The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after three or four bottles. Also, the aftertaste of Dingleberry Wine had been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass! Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following. Aspartame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenylketonurics, Small undigested pieces of meat, Wads of used toilet tissue, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and Flavoring.

The consumption of Dingleberry Wine can be hazardous to you health.

The following can and probably will occur. Blurred vision, Erratic behavior, Memory loss, Hallucinations, Projectile vomiting, Explosive diarrhea, Loss of motor functions, Convulsions, Complete and sudden death, Blood in the stool, on the couch and the recliner, along with a trail wherever you've walked, and Hairy Tongue Syndrome.

Not to mention a real shitty taste in your mouth after drinking.

Never drink or drive - unless you just really have to do it, in which case, call your local hospital to have an ER standing by on your behalf.
Remember drink responsibly and never, ever, no matter what anyone else tells you, stop drinking Dingleberry Wine!

The Curious Urinal -  Friday 5/4/2012

Bin Laden's Journal Revealed
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker

Just about a year ago to the day, Osama (Usama) Bin Laden was gunned down by Seal Team Six (YEAH!). Now, newly released documents reveal what was going on inside the mind of the terrorist mastermind.

These documents, obtained from Bin Laden's compound, reveal that the former Al Qaeda leader was unsure of the terror network's affiliate groups and his ability to control them.

But further reading details what else held the attention of America's Most Wanted in the days and weeks before his death. The 17 documents  (totaling about 175 pages in Arabic) range in dates from September 2006 to April 2011. The following are but a sample of his thoughts:

"I am deeply troubled by terrorist attacks carried out by regional jihadist groups that caused Muslim civilian casualties. No Muslim should fall victim except when it is absolutely necessary,"

"We shall avoid carrying out attacks in Islamic countries except for the countries that fell under invasion and direct occupation."

"I need to talk to Nike about my Air Usama idea!"

"Gilligan's Island cracks me up. Little buddy could be a terrorist bomber if he had the right training. And Ginger and Mary Ann would look good in Burqa's."

"My Rice Crispies are not as talkative as normal. I think they're plotting against me!"

"Death to America... Unless George Lucas will release a new Star Wars Trilogy."

"I hate Camel Chips. Even with salsa, they taste like shit!"

"My feet are killing me! I should invest in some hiking boots instead of these stupid sandals."

"Wheel of Fortune comes on at the same time as my favorite Soap Opera - One Life to Martyr. I suppose I need to buy a VCR."

"If I find out which wife dipped my beard in the Yak pudding while I slept, I'll cut her head off with a butter knife!"

"Gorgonzola cheese cannot disguise the taste of goat. I have to stop kissing the goat when I have sex with it!"

"I cannot stand American Idol. If Randy Jackson says "Dawg" one more time, I'll puke!"

"I really wish I had something else to eat besides these damned cans of three year old Spam."

"Hold on, I think I heard someone at the door..."

That was the last entry, aside for some brain matter and hunks of skull on the pages.


In Local News

Local Business Closes Soon After Opening
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

It was a business plan like no other. These two men had years of experience and the know-how to get the business up and running.

Marty Gross and Phillip Rancid had the perfect idea when they decided to go into business together. One had spent years as a master butcher and the other had years of experience in the produce business. They decided to open their business during a recession because people have to eat, and they would have the lowest prices in town to make sure that the people would want to shop with them. Both knew that nothing could go wrong.

Their gimmick was simple - one half of the store would house the largest selection of fresh vegetables anywhere, and the other half would be the biggest butcher shop in the country.

So, having put together their marketing plan, they secured a $1,000,000 loan to build a new store. They stocked it with their meats and vegetables, and then they opened their store, spending every last dime they had to make it the biggest thing ever to take place in Buzzardbait.

But there was just one small problem. Once the business opened, no one came to shop.

Rancid Meats and Gross Vegetables was a wonderful idea that failed to catch on in Buzzardbait, and no one knows why.



This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:


Hey Guys... When you're out there making the big play to make the winning score, or that big presentation that will get that promotion you've been waiting for, you don't want your deodorant to give out. You need a deodorant that will hang in there and keep that bad BO from ruining your chances. And you want your deodorant to chase away the unwanted odors that chase away the ladies.

Then you need Skank-Off!

Shank-Off is the deodorant that attracts the attractive ladies,

and at the same time runs off the ugly ones.

And isn't that what you really want in a deodorant?

And Skank-Off comes in three scents:

He-man, I'm Rich, and Hung like a Horse!

So when you need a deodorant that can do the job, don't go after the wimpy deodorants. Reach for Skank-Off... The real man's deodorant!

Another fine product from CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Cooperation of America)

Buzzardbait, Ky

The Curious Urinal - Friday 4/27/2010
Afternoon Edition
Local Nightspot Celebrates
Buzzardbait Days
By New Staff Reporter Harry Greasydik

Well, it's that time of year again. Wednesday night was a special night at  Big Al's Titty Emporium. All of the usual dignitatries from all over Ammo County were in attendance to celebrate the Anniversary of Buzzardbait's founding.

The crowd was enthusiastic as the celebration spilled outside Big Al's Lap Dance Shed at the Titty Emporium. Among the activities this year was Corn Hole, Bobbing for Condoms, and a Deep-fried Twinkie Eating Contest.











Most of Ammo County was in attendence for the celebration. Many of the Buzzardbait Chamber of Commerce refused to attend though, as they were protesting the celebration being held at Big Al's place yet again. Most of the Chamber of Commerce wanted to celebrate the party at Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand, but County Judge Clyde Forkem said that Big Al's Titty Emporium had always held the party, since they had the biggest beer cooler in all of Ammo County.

A few of the attendees were retrospective about the event. Take Oliver Closeoff. He said in his annual speech, "Two-hundred and some odd years ago, this town was nothing more than a shithole. Now, it's the epicenter of big business and modern living! We're livin' large now!"













Oliver Closeoff, The Ammo County Road Commisioner,
is seen enjoying himself during the festivities.










One of Big Al's dancers, Candy Glitterlick said, "This is about as much fun as this past New Year's Party. I must have given at least fifty lap dances that night. I'm over halfway there now! My ass is gonna be sore tomorrow!"








County Judge, Clyde Forkem, took a break
from the fun to take an important call.


The highlite of the evening was when Blues Legend, and spokesman for Dingleberry Wine, Milo Days, stepped up to the microphone and began belting out an unrelenting rendition of 'I got the Big-Breastedest Woman Blues!'










Blues Legend Milo Days
When it was all said and done, the celebration was enjoyed by the packed house at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Even Big Al himself had to say, "This was a lot more fun than last year when half the girls had a bad case of crabs. We took a hit in the lap dance derby that night, I can tell you. But this year looks to be a banner year!"

The Curious Urinal - Friday 4/20/2012

SPECIAL AFTERNOON EDITION

Buzzardbait Bans Beers From Store Shelves -Many Are Miffed
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Alabama has banned a certain beer from their store shelves because of a dirty word. Fat Bastard Beer, brewed in Michigan, has been banned in Alabama stores that are allowed to sell liquor or beer (and there are precious few that do).

Not to be outdone, Buzzardbait, and all of Ammo County, has decided that there are certain beers that cannot be sold in any grocery or liquor store, and also any bars or restaurants, due to their perceived bad names.

For example, Fat Whanker Lager cannot be sold anywhere in the county, nor can Smelly Bear Ass Beer. In fact, the following beers: Old Piss Beer, Jock Strap Sqeezin's Beer, Floppy Titty Stout Ale, Bullsh*t Beer, Co**sucker Beer, You Effing Bitch Beer, and our personal favorite, Eat Sh*t and Die Lite Beer, cannot be sold in Buzzardbait, Hooter Heights, or any other county-approved retail outlet, bar or restaurant.

Big Al of Big Al's Titty Emporium, who sells these and other "Normal-named" beers, has protested the decision, stating: "Discriminating against certain beers because of their names is akin to racism, homophobia, and downright ignorance from a bunch of freeloaders in the county seat who want to keep the local residents from enjoying any of these wonderful brews. If you're afraid of the names of the beers, then what about Schitts Beer? Why can you sell Schitts and not Piss Beer?"

Good question... So we sought answers.

Irvin Schitts, who died many years ago, was unavailable for comment, but Ho Lee Schitts, his great-grandson who now runs the Schitts Brewery, said, "I was raised in China. There, we had many odd names for beers, most of which cannot be translated in English because they may come across as offensive to certain politicians and wussies! We were thinking of importing a few of these beers to the area, but now I think we will be unable to import such wonderful ales as Smelly Pus*y Beer, Fu*kin' Asshole Dark Ale, or my personal favorite, Bitch, Get Me a Beer Cream Ale."

Even some people in county government thinks the decision stinks. Take Oliver Closeoff... He says, "One of my favorite beers is called Fu*k Off Premium Stout. When you say Fu*k Off, you've said it all!" He added, "Hey, if these pansy-assed politicians can't run the county, then why are they trying to run liquor sales? I think they all suck!"

So, beers like Dog Wizz Lite, Old Sweat Socks Beer, and Cream of Sum Yung Gui Winter White Beer with Protein can be sold, but Rotten, Lousy Son of a Bitch Beer cannot be sold anywhere in Ammo County, thanks to our forward-thinking politicians.

Let's all remember that the First Amendment rights to free speech are under assault by these so-called leaders, and if I can't buy Fu*k You Mother Fu*ker Beer, then my rights have been violated!

Viva the First Amendment!

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

BIG DICK'S
HOT DOG STAND

Serving

The Big Dick

7 Days a Week

 

The

Big Dick

is a freshly-cooked

quarter pound hot dog,

smothered in cheese, onions,

and served on a steamed bun,

with a big honkin' dill pickle.

The Big Dick

Special is a

Big Dick

Hot Dog,

Served with

Fries and

a drink

For $5.99.

And don't

forget to

grab a

Big Dick

Tee Shirt

while supplies last!!!

They make a great gift

for someone special in your life!

The shirt says: I wanna Big Dick

Hot Dog!!!    How About you?

Corner of Main and 5th

Beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait

The Curious Urinal  Friday 4/13/2012

SPECIAL LATE NIGHT EDITION

Buzzardbait Woman Arrested in Burgers for Sex Sting
By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker

A Buzzardbait resident was charged with solicitation Wednesday after she apparently showed up at the Phurr Resturant asking for sex in trade for some cheeseburgers.

Faith Knowmore, 47, was arrested after she allegedly offered sexual favors for two Phurrburgers with cheese.

Detective Inspector, of the Buzzardbait Police Department, invited Ms. Knowmore into his car on Friday and started talking about sex.

Knowmore allegedly said that her fee was two Phurrburgers-- with cheese --  costing a grand total of $6.75. Of course, Knowmore was also allegedly looking for a tip of $50 for her services.

The detective bought the burgers and drove to a vacant lot near Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, where a group of undercover police officers arrested Knowmore on charges of prostitution. It's yet unclear whether she was allowed to eat the delicious Phurrburgers before she was taken to jail.

When asked about the incident, Dect. Inspector said, "She must have really been hungry for those burgers, and just the thought of them made me go back and buy a couple for myself. There's nothing like a Phurrburger!"

Faith Knowmore was released on Saturday after posting $500 bail. Her trial is set for August. If convicted, Ms. Knowmore could be facing 10 years in jail and no access to Phurrburgers... Except maybe from a cellmate.


This edition of The Curious Urinal was brought to you by:

BUZZARDBAIT DAIRY BARN

Home of their latest creation...

Bacon-flavored Ice Cream -

With real Bacon Bits!

ALSO-  Try Our New BLT SHAKE -
Made with Real Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato...
Yum Yum! 

Stop in and have yourself a treat!

Buzzardbait Dairy Barn

Corner of 5th and Main in Downtown Buzzardbait, KY!

The Curious Urinal - 4/6/2012
GOOD FRIDAY EDITION!

Buzzardbait High Preparing for Prom Night
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Okay, if any of you parents remember last year's prom, you probably spent it bailing out your kids from jail. Well, this year, Buzzardbait High School is sending the following warning to all of the seniors parents.

Notice to parents:

Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Senior Dance on Friday, May 27th. This years theme is It's Finally Time to Get Out of Hell!

Chaperone's are once again requested to attend this year dance as the high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers who chaperoned for the last two years. The dance has become dangerous and we need parents who can still control their children to please attend.

Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait over the last two years will also note that over 90% of the graduating seniors missed graduation day due to the bail hearings.

The brawls that have rolled out into the streets must stop. We are the only school in Ammo County to post more arrests records in the newspaper than graduation reports. Please, let's stop this from getting worse!

If you wish to be one of the chaperone's, the requirements include the following: being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds - as some of our students are fairly good sized. Also, anyone with pepper spray or a Louisville Slugger baseball bat (Except for aluminum bats) may carry those items again this year. We are also considering electric cattle prods for use this year as well. Last year they were nixed due to a shortage of D-cell batteries. We have an ample stock this year, so bring them if you have them.

Benefits to the chaperone's include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance). Also, Findem, Suem and Skrewem, Attorneys at Law, will be handling assault charges levied against chaperone's for a discounted fee.

Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

DINGLEBERRY WINE

Pour yourself a glass of

Buzzardbait's finest.

Or drink it straight from the bottle...

We don't care. Just keep drinking

Dingleberry Wine!

Dingleberry Winery, Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/30/2012

If you follow college sports then you know that we are in full March Madness. As many of you know, the University of Louisville and the University of Kentucky are facing off Saturday in the Final Four.

Having said that, not one of the staff of The Curious Urinal has been productive at all this week. In fact, two of them (each a fan of either UofL of UK) got into a fist fight and were suspended. The rest have been making bets and drinking on the job.

So, in order to provide you, dear readers (both of you) with your weekly dose of the CU, I'm re-running the following -

The Curious Urinal Interview - Milo Days
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Today, we speak with Milo Days... The Best Bluesman in the Business! So, when we learned that we were fortunate enough to land this interview with one of America's busiest Bluesmen, we did our homework.

MD: Welcome to my humble abode.

CU: Thanks. This palace is wonderful!

MD: I call it the old country dump!

CU: 30,000 square foot of country dump, I’d say!

MD: Yeah, man, but I had to build a place big enough for my studio, and to put up all my gold records!

CU: Speaking of which, what’s happening with your career, Mr. Days?

MD: Call me Milo, man. I don’t do that Mister stuff. That’s so passe.

CU: Okay, Milo. So what’s the latest?

MD: Well, I’m working on my latest CD. It's gonna be called: Milo Days, The Blues Done Got A Hold On Me! I’ve been working my fingers to da bone all over that guitar. And man, I've been diggin’ it!

CU: Milo, your fans are very loyal to you. They sell out every venue you play. They buy every CD you put out. How can you keep being fresh in today’s music market and still be true to the fans?

MD: First of all, the fans are what I live for... Well, that and some Dingleberry Wine.

CU: But to remain relevant in the world of Hip Hop and Rap, Rock and Country, you somehow manage to make the Blues sound more appealing to the masses.

MD: Man, that ain’t no problem. Lots of folks are singing the blues lately! With the way things are today, most everybody is livin' the blues! And I know the blues, baby! I grew up on the mean streets of Buzzardbait. I have lived the blues!”

CU: But your parents were both professionals, if I’ve done my homework correctly. Your father was the first black dentist in Buzzardbait, and retired a wealthy man. Your mother was one of three of the founders of Kentucky Fricasseed Chicken here in Buzzardbait. She later sold her interests to some New York investment firm for millions of dollars. You went to the Buzzardbait School for the Well-To-Do, and graduated at the top of your class. You attended college at Yale and didn’t take up being a musician until after you retired from the Findem, Suem and Skrewem Law Firm.

MD: Man, did you dig up my arrest record, too?

CU: Actually, you have never served time in jail, and as far as we could find out, never did anything that was considered illegal, immoral or remotely related to living the Blues Lifestyle.

MD: Are you trying to ruin my career? Look, I am trying to earn a livin’ here! Stop telling everyone about my past, okay? Yeah, I did my time in corporate America. I paid my taxes and lived a damned good life. But the Blues got a hold of me and changed me from what I was into what I am today!

CU: Fair enough.

MD: Damn, you ain’t right; trying to mess up a good thing for me!

CU: Now, you do a lot of promotions for Dingleberry Wine. We checked the records and found that you made nearly a half-million last year for your commercials and other endorsements for the local winery.

MD: Yeah, so?

CU: Isn’t that like living the anti-blues lifestyle?

MD: Look, here’s the deal. I drink the wine and they pay me for my services and promote my CD’s and concerts heavily. Now, you got a problem with makin’ some dough?

CU: Not in the least. What I’m trying to get at is that...

MD: Look, man... I ain’t got no reason not to make money. It’s what America is all about! When some respectable person makes money, it’s called business. When a musician makes it, it’s called making a damned living! And I make a damned good livin’!

CU: Yes you do. Last year was a banner year for you. Your four releases sold nearly ten million CD’s last year. You get $5 a pop from the sales of your CD’s. That’s nearly fifty-million dollars!

MD: And rightly so, man! I earned my livin’! I play my ass off nearly every night somewhere across this great land of ours! Don’t think for a minute I haven’t earned every last dime of that. Now if I could just keep what I earned. The damned government wants to keep on takin' and takin' and handing it out to the banks, the car companies and a bunch of welfare cheats! I say screw em! Let em get out there and get a real job!
I earn my money, and I wanna keep it! You got a problem with that?

CU: I’m not saying that. I’m saying...

MD: Look, man... I have spent my career trying to be the very best bluesman on the planet. I've record more CD's than that damned BB King ever thought of doin’! Old John Lee Hooker never did half of what I do! And don’t even get me started of the damned Blues Brothers... Although they did give me the idea of making music instead of representing gutter scum, morons and thieves in court!

CU: You represented politicians in court?

MD: Yeah, man. Some of them needed to go to jail and stay there too! Old Charlie Rangel's done enough to serve life several times over. And he's just one of many that needs to see the inside of a jail cell and live the blues, iff'n you know what I mean? Maybe be some hoss' prison bitch. Oh, they'll be singing the blues in no time! But to answer your question, yeah! And that's what I like about the blues. I can play my music and not have to deal with those lowlifes!

CU: So, in other words, you have enjoyed your career?

MD: Damn skippy, I have!

CU: I hate to ask this, but what are your political views?

MD: I am an non-political kinda guy, man. Politics are for those that can’t hold down a steady gig, iff'n you know what I mean?

CU: Would you call yourself a Democrat, Republican or Independent?

MD: Are you asking me who I voted for in the last election?

CU: Well, not in so many words, but yes!

MD: Between you and me, I didn’t like either guy running. The old dude is a waffler and the other dude is a commie-loving... Well, you catch my drift!

CU: So you didn’t vote for anyone?

MD: I voted for the chick, baby!

CU: Hillary?

MD: Not that skank, man! The good looking one from up north!

CU: Sarah Palin from Alaska?

MD: Yeah, man! She’s the kinda woman I could be hanging out with and drinkin’ some wine and... Well, you know how that goes?

CU: But she’s married.

MD: So?

CU: Uh, never mind!

MD: Look here, man, I live the blues, baby! And there ain’t nothing that says the blues more than shaggin’ some married woman and making her man cry the blues!

CU: Or hunting you down and shooting you with a moose rifle!

MD: Well, there’s that, yeah!

CU: Well, thanks for sitting down with us today, Milo. Our readers will appreciate the open and honest story of your life.

MD: My pleasure. (Checking his watch) Damn, it’s time to go record. I better make a liquor store run before though. I’m running low on Dingleberry Wine!

CU: Need a ride?

MD: Nah, man. I got my limo driver for that!

This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it usually is snuck into the hospital he happens to be recovering in.

Tres Equis - Stay thirsty... And away from the bulls, my friends!

The Curious Urinal  Friday 3/23/2012

Couples Therapy: 6 Reasons to Go
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Couples therapy sometimes can carry a negative stigma, preventing many couples from reaping its benefits. But there are plenty of reasons couples go to therapy, outside the threat of splitting up. We spoke with Anita Mann, Buzzardbait's authority on all things couples, and she gave us six common reasons she sees couples who are seeking to improve their relationship.

In-laws: Let's face it, having in-laws living with you can be like having wild animals in the house over the holidays. You probably hate them, wishing them death and dismemberment on a daily basis, but the problem with living with your in-laws may be simply that they serve no other purpose than to eat, sleep and butt into your business 254/7/365.  How to deal with the problem... Since you can't kill them (legally), here's the solution: Kick them out! Change the locks and pretend you're not home! Even if you happen to be living in their house at the time. Odds are that they will simply give up and move to Florida, never to speak to you again. Problem solved!

Parenting: I often see couples who have  children – That's the problem. Quit having those little brats! Children can be a big joy, if you allow someone else to raise them, otherwise they are little monsters that make noise, a mess, and refuse to pick-up after themselves. parenting can be a wonderful experience if you don't have kids!

Finances: This is one of the top reasons why couples break up. Someone’s a saver; someone’s a spender – The solution: Blame George Bush! The president has made a career of blaming George Bush for virtually everything, so why not you? Spend money you don't have, and borrow from China until they are broke, then go "Oopsie, I can't pay you back. George Bush made me do it!"

Religion: The solution here is simple: Marry someone that shares your beliefs, otherwise you'll end up in endless debates on whose religion is better, and we all know mine is!


Sickness or tragedy: For some, a trauma can bring couples together and for some, it can create a wedge. Deal with sickness or tragedy like I do... Ignore it! Who cares if your wife or husband is sick or dies? Let 'em! That's when you go out and find someone new and exciting, and forget about that old coot that you were married to before!

And lastly, Aging: Getting old sucks! Face lifts, tummy tucks, and boob jobs cannot stop death from slowly creeping up and biting you in your ass. The best way for a couple to deal with aging is to stop it! Don't get any older. Pretend you're 18 when you're 80. Wear clothing that looks ridiculous on you, get a Mohawk, a tattoo of yourself on your back that make you look like a circus sideshow reject, or better yet, refuse to act your age. Many couples can stay forever young by acting like children. Yes, there are mental health issues to contend with here, but who cares? Don't act your age, act your shoe size! You'll be much happier for the effort.


This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:

Buzzardbait Brewing Company, Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/17/2012

Local Company Promotes 'Man'gerie

By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker

Okay, call me a prude dude, but this latest fashion trend coming from Europe to the States happens to strike a nerve with me. Called Men's Lingerie, or Mangerie, a local fashion house is promoting this as the next big trend in male fashion.

We tried to speak with the owner of Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash, Irvin Girlin, but he sent one of his salespeople, Harry Reemer, to speak with us. When asked about the mangerie, Mr. Reemer said, "Oh girlfriend, this stuff is fabulous! I wear it all of the time for my partner!"

So, having been told that, I had to ask, "And does your 'partner' really like you wearing this kind of 'stuff?'"

"Dougie loves it, yes. Especially when I wear the pasties under the silky bra. It makes him so crazy, the silly goose!"

Well, Harry Reemer decided to demonstrate some of the new line of mangerie. We'll let you be the judge.

..This is Harry in the Mangerie he calls, Simply Sweet. It consist of a silky mansiere and some lacy manties. Also, notice the size 12 heels. Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash carries men's fashion footwear from sizes 6AA to 16 EEEE.

This is the same outfit, only coupled with the floor-length, sheer Silky Man Wrap. Mr. Reemer says, "It's so comfy that you'll simply want to wear it everywhere!"

Harry Reemer models one of the fashionable Mansieres (Man's Brassiere), made of heavy-duty silk-like materials and sporty A-Cup falsies to enhance any mans body. 

So, What do you think? Would you want to wear something like this? We asked several locals around Buzzardbait, and got some interesting reactions.

Jeb Cooter of Aureole Acres said, "Nope, not in a million years would I wear something like that!"

Whereas Slim Profit, owner of Slim's Used Mattresses and Sex Toys in Hooter Heights, said, "Well, if the better half wanted me to try it, I reckon I would. But not the high heels. No sir, I couldn't see my feet stuck in anything but my work boots!"

And Connie Crossmeandie, of Monkey Knuckles, KY, summed it up, saying, "If my husband wore something like that, I'd have to laugh, and then I'd beat him like a red-headed stepchild!"

Whether Buzzardbait Fashions and Dog Wash sells many of these Mangerie items, the very fact that some men would wear this stuff really scares the hell out of me!

This Edition of The Curious Urinal

has been brought to you by:

Real Men Use

Buzzardbait Oil Company is another fine CCCoA Company

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America) 

Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/9/2012

Local Man Fears Cyber Attacks
By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker

It was a typical day at Wang's Computer Repair and Pawn Shop. Customers milling about, looking at used video games and jewelry, while others sifted through unwanted musical instruments and old Playboys. But the talk of the shop was very serious.

Harry Wang, owner of the computer and pawn shop, was speaking with a customer when I arrived, and the topic of conversation was cyber warfare. Peaking my interest, I joined in the conversation.

"So what are you afraid of when it comes to a cyber attack on the U.S.?" I asked.

Harry Wang shook his head, trying to get a grip on himself as he pondered such a deep subject. "I think I'm more afraid of what the foreign hackers would do to us."

"In what way?" Again I asked.

"You know, it used to be simple. You wrote a program, then you initiated it. Now, it's so much easier. You create viruses and unleash them on the computer world. My computer caught a cold from one of those viruses and hasn't felt good since."

"But you can purge the virus, right?"

"Well, it depends on the virus." He explained. "This last one was mean. My computer had the sniffles and a really bad cough for weeks. Poor thing."

At this point, I was really worried, but I asked, "So what else are you worried about?"

Wang, wringing his hands, replied, "Can you imagine if the hackers unleashed an army of Donkey Kong's on an unsuspecting world. Or Mario Brothers messing with the plumbing. And least we forget, Duke Nukem's running amok on our city streets!"

It was apparent that Harry Wang was delusional, but I couldn't resist the fun. "Or perhaps Zelda's and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles running around!"

"That's exactly what worries me!" Harry Wang looked frightened. "Space Invaders shooting up our cities, Kung Fu Street Fighters beating people up, and those thugs stealing our cars!"

"Grand Theft Auto!"

"Right! They could hinder people getting to hospitals, or work. People would be forced to ride the bus..."

"Or worse, lose their jobs and have to sit in Sim City waiting for a ride to the funny farm!"

"That would not be good, huh?" Wang got quiet and went limp. He looked at me and said, "If that ever happens, what in the world would we do about it?"

I replied, "It would be a Call to Duty, I suppose. Send in the military to take out those bad people!"

Wang seemed to like that idea, but quickly sighed, saying, "Unless they send in Transformers, then we're screwed!"

I nodded and smiled politely. "Right!"

I bid Harry Wang ado and quickly raced to the offices of The Curious Urinal, glad that I stopped by Harry Wang's little shop. But one thing has me worried... If there was a true Cyber Attack on America, would people like Harry Wang think that little Pac Men would be running around the streets, being chased by multi-colored ghosts? Or perhaps an army of Sonic the Hedgehog's suddenly running around bowling people over for spare change?

Sometimes it's better to not worry about it. I'm afraid that people like Harry Wang can't help but worry about it. And that's frightening indeed!

This Edition of The Curious Urinal was brought to you by:

Corpsedia: The drug of choice for those days when nothing goes right! When you wake up and it looks to be another 'One of Those Days', then Corpsedia may be right for you.

Do not take Corpsedia if you're allergic to the following:

Death.

Ask your doctor if Corpsedia is right for you.

Corpsedia is another fine product of CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)

Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal - Friday 3/2/2012

BIG OSCAR NIGHT FOR BUZZARDBAIT
Story by Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

So there I was, dressed in my tuxedo, standing near the Red Carpet, microphone in hand, trying to get that interview with any number of celebrities. I heard a commotion, when out of nowhere came Sean Young. I asked her for a quick question, and she flipped me off.

Ah, Hollywood... Full of self absorbed movie stars and borderline talented reality stars.

I must have asked 30 or so supposed 'STARS' to field a question or two from this humble reporter, and had 30 or so rejections. All of the big celeb reporters were getting their questions answered--- Joan Rivers, working the Red Carpet like a shoe salesman at KMart, got all of her questions asked by all the stars that ambled by, yet this lone reporter was being snubbed. The would rather talk to that has-been, Joan Rivers, over me? The bitch!

Needless to say, it wasn't looking to be a good night for The Curious Urinal.

Then, here came Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, and his date. Stinky, seeing how despondent I was, came up to me and granted me a few questions. He shunned Ryan Seacrest for little old me at The Curious Urinal. So, I asked him, "Why are you here?"

Stinky, true to form, replied, "The swag and the free banana daiquiris!" Then he answered, "Actually, I'm up for an Oscar for my role in the latest Planet of the Apes flick. I hear I have good odds to win the Oscar this year. I was disappointed last year when I was snubbed because Tom Clues had me edited out of his movie, Mission: Apepossible: Monkey Protocol! That just sucked! And to add insult to injury, he boosted Tommy the Trunk Monkey's role! Talk about a bitch!" He added, "Speaking of which, I hope they don't give an Oscar to Meryl Streep this year! That would suck even more!"

 His date, looking lovely in a dress by designer J C Penney, said, "Stinky, come on. The E! people are begging for some pictures."

So Stinky gave me a wink, saying, "Women!" and waked away.

Later, Stinky the Feces-throwing Monkey won his Oscar.

Stinky, the Feces-throwing monkey accept the Academy Award for Best Primate in a movie about scientifically-mutated monkeys.

And that was it. I spent $600 on a lousy tuxedo rental, $1,800 in air travel, $2,000 on a swank room at the Holiday Inn and Suites, and I got one interview and one lousy picture. Oh well, at least I was here, rubbing elbows with the crowd that had gathered to gaze upon the vast array of Hollywood Stars.

Okay, so it wasn't a big night at the Oscars for Buzzardbait, but I did get to see Angelina Jolie's thigh, and that was worth all of the effort. I just hope the boss doesn't have a cow when he sees the expense report.

Here's the list of the 84th Annual Academy Award winners announced Sunday:

1. Best Picture: "The Artist."

2. Actor: Jean Dujardin, "The Artist."

3. Actress: Meryl Streep, "The Iron Lady."

4. Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, "Beginners."

5. Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer, "The Help."

6. Directing: Michel Hazanavicius, "The Artist."

7. Foreign Language Film: "A Separation," Iran.

8. Adapted Screenplay: Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash, "The Descendants."

9. Original Screenplay: Woody Allen, "Midnight in Paris."

10. Animated Feature Film: "Rango."

11. Art Direction: "Hugo."

12. Cinematography: "Hugo."

13. Sound Mixing: "Hugo."

14. Sound Editing: "Hugo."

15. Original Score: "The Artist."

16. Original Song: "Man or Muppet" from "The Muppets."

17. Costume Design: "The Artist."

18. Documentary Feature: "Undefeated."

19. Documentary Short: "Saving Face."

20. Film Editing: "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo."

21. Makeup: "The Iron Lady."

22. Animated Short Film: "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore."

23. Live Action Short Film: "The Shore."

24. Visual Effects: "Hugo."

25. Best Primate in a Movie about Scientifically-mutated Monkeys: Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey.



This Edition of The Curious Urinal was brought to you by:
 

Remember kids - There's a toy surprise in each and every box of Monkey Nuts Cereal! This time, we have 25 different versions of real, fake, artificial, faux Monkey Poop.

Collect them all!

Monkey Nuts Cereal - Another fine product of CCCoA

(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America) 

Buzzardbait, KY.