Okay, more shameless promotions going on here today.

This time, it's for another friend of mine (might as well be my little brother). His name is Ray and he owns Serenghetti Guitars. These are not your run-of-the-mill cheapies that you can buy in a pawn shop; nor are they the ordinary fare you can find in the music stores.
These are ONE PIECE, hand-carved guitars that abolutely ROCK! Please check out the site. You can copy/paste to the search thingie (LOL) and have a look. If you're a musician, or know someone who is (and plays the guitar), this is the site you need to check out!

Nuff said

http://www.serenghettiguitars.com/

LOCAL SALES PAGE

THE BIG SALE is going on now at Gettskrewed Motors.

This beauty is sure to fly off the lot. It's a 1975 Chevy Pick-up, White, 2-55 air conditioning, rifle rack, and 327cc engine. It leaks a little oil and smokes a bit, but it's a great truck. Being sacrificed for $2,995.00

This one-owner car is a steal. It's a 1966 Ford Fairlane. Primer gray. It has a bit of rust, and a couple of minor door dings, a caved-in passenger door and crumpled trunk. But it's still one great ride. It needs shocks and a transmission. Priced to sell at $3,495.00!

And what about this beautiful van. It's a '81 Chevy Custom Van. It's great for shopping, family outings, and shagging your old lady out in the wood,. Comes complete with a matress and shag carpeting. Don't mind the musty odor or the urine stains on the mattress. It's fairly clean and ready to drive off the lot - $3,695.00

So come on in to THE BIG SALE – Going on now ar Gettskrewed Motors. On the corner of 5th and Main in Beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait. Open late, till 6 p.m. Nightly for your shopping convenience. And open Saturdays from 9 till Noon.

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Jean's Jewelery is having it's first semi-annual Weekend Sale. This Monday and Tuesday from 10 till 5, Everything is 50% off, or half price, whichever is less. So don't delay another day, Come to Jean's Jewelry, located at the corner of Main and 5th. Open Noon till 3 p.m. for you shopping pleasure. And if you act now, Jean will personally place your jewelry into a bag and hand it to you.

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Come to Buzzardbait Grocery and Tux Rental this week for great specials.

Monkey Nut Cereal, select varieties (including Strawberry and Liver cheese, Cinnamon and Rat Dropping and Oats and Cardboard flavors). $3.99 per 10 oz box.

Penguin Balls, Those wonderful frozen treats, 3 for $10.00 (comes in Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Meat flavors)

Sludge Cola (including Diet and Extra Thick) $1 per 2 liter.

Skank-Off Deodorant – all scents, $2.99 per 3 oz can.

All varieties of Harry Knuckles Handmade Pizzas (except the popular ones) $3.99 each.

And if you rent a tux for Senior Prom, we'll throw in a 6 oz package of Rhodekil's Hand-packed Country Sausage; made with real raccoon, squirrel and possum meat.

Buzzardbait Grocery and Tux Rental - Located at 5th and Main in Buzzardbait, KY. Your hometown grocery store!


Want Ads

Wanted: Clerk to check out customers at Sheets and Schitts Laundromat and Enema Bar. Must be able to work from 8 a.m. till 5 p.m. And also, looking for enema tech. Contact the Curious Urinal if interested in this position, Attn: Madame Tangytush.

Ditch Digger – Must be able to use a shovel and not afraid to get dirty. Apply in person at Buzzardbait Ditch Digging Company. Corner of Main and 5th. Ask for Lumpy.

Looking for great pay and better hours? Then you need to look elsewhere. But we're hiring anyway. Must be able to lift 50 pounds repeatedly for twelve hours at a shift, five days a week. Pays minimum wage; no benefits and you're prone to be laid-off at a moments notice. Must like animals. Apply at Buzzardbait Zoo and Exotic Steak House. Come to the elephant cage and grab a shovel.

Needing 5 sharp people to start immediately. Great pay, excellent benefits. Must be able to walk door to door and smile while hocking Nervous Eddie's Miracle Sex Toys. Commission only. Must be available to work weekends, holidays and have the ability to demonstrate the usage of the toys without reservations. No ugly people need apply. Contact The Curious Urinal for details. Attn: Madame Tangytush

Large Problem For Local Woman Solved

Buzzardbait resident, LaBamba LaDousche's chest grew to a gigantic N cup after she took a new medication, Corpsedia, seven months ago — leaving her unable to move for nearly six months.

"It was awful," she said. "If I tried to get up I would faint because my breasts were so big, heavy and floppy. It was a nightmare! Being bed-ridden for so long was not easy, but my neighbors all helped out. Especially Tom, Harry, Richard, Lester, Oliver and Charlie, who kept coming over to adjust them, and leaving $20 bills on the nightstand thereafter. They were real lifesavers. And also, a special thanks to Linda over at the Elderly Dykes Home, for bringing the ladies over to rub lotion on them to keep them moist."

LaDousche, 29, who lives in the Aureole Acres Trailer Park, was finally helped when local businessman, Albert “Big Al” Boobpenchant, owner of Big Al's Titty Emporium, paid for her breast reduction surgery.

Doctor Phil Eweup, of the Buzzardbait Clinic and Oil and Lube Center, believes she was suffering from a rare condition known as Gigantomastia, also known as Gigantittyitis, which is characterized by excessive breast growth that may occur spontaneously during puberty, pregnancy, or while taking certain medications. This was also verified by the Buzzardbait Department of Health and Other Stuff Not Covered By Another Agency.

Dr. Eweup performed the 8 hour operation, where nearly 40 pounds of excess flesh was removed. The breast matter was then placed into a vacuum-sealed container, and will be on display at Big Al's Titty Emporium in the Hall of Fame display case.

Editors note: Since Ms. LaDousche was unemployed with no health insurance, Big Al has offered her a job to help her out. She will be appearing nightly at Big Al's Titty Emporium. There's no charge for parking. Also, the cover charge is $5, with a two drink minimum.


Beautiful Women can be bad for your health

A racing pulse and sweaty palms are well known as the signs of instant attraction. But research has shown that, for men (and some women, if you happen to swing that way) five minutes spent alone with a beautiful woman causes so much stress, it may be bad for the heart.

“The effects are worst for men,” noted scientist, Seymore Butz, claims. “Not only on the heart, but also the wallet. Men tend to spend more money on attractive women than ugly ones.”

Dr. Butz goes on to say, “The anxiety rate of those men is similar to jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft. Their cortisol levels can rise even higher, bringing on the possibility of a heart attack.

The University of Buzzardbait paid 8 male students to take part in an experiment that measured their cortisol levels before and after they had been left alone with an attractive woman. Thereafter, the same group of men were placed in the same room with an ugly woman. There were only minor bouts of nausea in that tests group; and in one case, a marriage proposal. But after the beer buzz subsided, the proposal was recended.


Correction

Due to incorrect information received from the Ammo County Court Clerks office, Daphne Gropeme, 38, of Beaver Lick was incorrectly listed as being arrested and fined for prostitution in an earlier edition of The Curious Urinal. The charge should have been listed as failure to stop fully at a stop sign. We apologize for the error.

Water main break puts hundreds without water

Ethel Wizenheimer of the Buzzardbait Water and Sewer Commission said that currently the water main break near the Sludge Cola Bottling Company is not really that big of a deal. "There are only 900 people affected right now out of 1,350 residents, so those whiners just need to shut up and be patient."

The disruption in service is the latest problem that Buzzardbait has had to deal with this past weekend. Record rainfall mixed with the tourists from Lousyville's Kentucky Derby created a mess that County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closoff called "A perfect storm of problems that we simply did not need!"

The three people that came to Buzzardbait after the Derby created a problem, as they stopped at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes and ordered espresso coffee with soy milk. Greasy Louie had to toss them out, losing nearly $3.50 in revenue.

We asked about the water main break and what precautions needed to be taken. Ethel Wizenheimer suggested, "Go to the store, buy some frickin' bottled water and deal with it!" When asked how long the disruption of service would last, Ms. Wizenheimer replied, "Whenever we get around to fixing it, then we'll let you know!"

Until the crisis has abated, residents are asked to not try to do laundry, cook, clean, wash your car or tractor, irrigate, or flush the toilets until further notice.

One resident, Ms. Jean Mofocastanski of Downtown Buzzardbait said, "This is just freakin' great. You can't flush the damned terlots. It's a bad day to have the squirts, I can tell you that!"

Miss Anita Fuzzenbush is a highly regarded forth grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School and Flea Market.

In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Friday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics, ranging from Arithmetic to Spelling.

One of the questions read:

LIST THE FOUR SEASONS:

1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________

75% of the students gave the following answer?

1. DEER SEASON
2. RABBIT SEASON
3. TOBACCO-FLAVORED CUMQUAT SEASON
4. BASKETBALL SEASON

You've got to be proud of our students!

And speaking of School:

Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Senior Dance on May 28th. This years theme is Thank God We're Outta There!

Chaperone's are requested to attend this year dance as the. The high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers that chaperoned last years dance. Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait last year will also note that over 80% of the graduating seniors missed graduation day due to the bail hearings.

If you wish to be one of the Dance Chaperone's, the requirements include: Being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds, as some of our students are fairly good sized.

Benefits include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance).

Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.