Special Saturday Edition
Area Business Owner Offers Help
By Staff Reporter Anita Mann
Local Business Owner, Hojo Hasses, Owner of Hojo's House of Imported Crapola No One Can Afford, is offering area businesses help. In this time of Recession, high unemployment, and a workforce that is less than stellar, Hojo Hasses says he can increase anyone's business and profit margins by following his 18 Step Method in sales.
Hojo Hasses began, "First, here are 6 General Rules to live by:"
1. Never Belittle the Customer!
He or she should never be called 'Scum-sucking morons!' Even though they may look that way to you. Most customers do not like this.
2. What is you Product Worth?
Do you think your product is worth the Gross National Product of Iceland? If so, don't take one penny less! Make the customer pay in cash, and tip you at least 25%!
3. Be Prepared to Answer Objections.
Even though you have dealt with every detail of your product, and why the customer should buy it, some people will find excuses not to buy. The answer is simple: If they have any objections to buying your product, shoot them in their kneecaps and tell them, "Buy it, or I'll shoot off your balls!" This only works with male customers though.
4. Be Positive!
Don't be a wimp! If you have to get down on your knees and grovel for the sale, then you'll get dirty knees.
5. Never Apologize for the Price.
You should tell the customer, "You should be glad that I don't charge you double, you sniveling little dog!"
6. Is Price the Real Objection?
Or is it only the fact that you smell like a landfill, and your face looks like a rotten pizza? Regular bathing is fundamental!
Justifying Price
1. Your Product vs. Brand X
Is your product worth the outlandish price you expect them to pay? If not, sell it to them anyway and tell them to never return to your store again!
2. Construction
This needn't involve a bunch of fifty-cent words that no one knows, unless you just want to sound brilliant. But think about this: if you were brilliant, why are you in retail sales?
3. Selection
Do you have more than one item in your store? Yes? Then you can brag about the elephantine selection in which to choose from. If not, you might want to brag about the fact that the one item you sell is so perfect that you felt it unnecessary to sell anything else.
4. Fresh Merchandise
Is the product you sell new? Or is it a leftover from the Hoover Administration? Let's hope you're not in the wholesale meat business!
5. Functional Value
Do you have the right product for the customers needs and dollars? If not, sell them something they can use. Like maybe a commemorative lemon rind decoration kit.
6. Is You Product Tough
Can you beat the hell out of your customer with it? Will it fall apart at high speeds? Will it break ten minutes after the customer purchases it? If so, you may need a celebrity spokesperson to sell it for you. Anything with a star athlete's name sells, and who cares if it's worth the money. One day it might be worth a dollar in a yard sale of flea market.
7. Take Pride in Your Product
If your selling abortion equipment, tell the customer that the product will not only terminate a pregnancy, but it can also make nice Julienne Fries!
8. Is Your Product Healthy For Your Customer?
Tell the customer that if they don't buy your product, then their health won't matter much, because the authorities will never find the body!
9. Better Materials
tell the customer that the product was made from the best materials known to mankind. Whether it was made of some kind of gooey leftovers from a nuclear waste dump or not, you sell only the best gooey leftovers from the nuclear wast dump... So there!
10. Quality
Tell the customer that your product will be around long after they are gone. If placed into a landfill, it will outlast even the disposable diapers that will hang around for ten-thousand years.
11. Sell Reputation
Tell the customer that the company that manufactures your products has a reputation of firing its employees three days before retirement, and that they also have a reputation for using small animals and children in bizarre lab experiments and satanic rituals.
12. Guarantees
This is very important. Tell the customer that your product will stand the test of time. Only when they walk out of the door with the product will time expire!
And in Medical News:
Here's a message for all you men out there who thought you were healthy. Where once all you had to worry about were issues like Prostrate Cancer, jock itch and the occasional STD, now comes really bad news.
It's called MGDS, or Male Genitalia Denotative Syndrome.
This is when the penis swells up and then explodes (Talk about having a flaming orgasm). This new health scare comes to us men in the form of a virus, where the penile glandular system begins to become inflamed; then swelling into a massive, throbbing, semi-erect mass that, if left untreated, will split the skin and send man-meat flying.
If you have MGDS, do not touch your penis if you have been in contact with the following: Dust, dirt, grime, grease, stagnant water, cows, sheep (mainly all farm animals for sexual pleasure). Also, do not attempt to have contact with the following: Women, men, children, pets or any kind of farming machinery, heavy equipment, and the occasional cornhole game.
But there is a treatment already available.
You will need to be completely alone for the treatment. You will need the following items: Any kind of lotion (containing aloe) and moist towelettes.
Treatment is as follows: Apply a liberal portion of lotion onto the affected area and rub in a back and forth manner until a gooey discharge begins to spew forth. This process should be repeated several times a day until the infection is completely removed from the penis.
If left untreated, the virus will spread to other vital organs, like the testes, causing those organs to swell and explode as well. And it will be just as painful and permanently fatal.
Repeat treatment until such time that the swelling is gone and you feel the need for a nap.
So guys, I suggest you self-test to make sure you don't have MGDS. It only takes a few minutes, and this could result in a happy, healthy penis.
This Special Edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
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Penguin Balls
Another great product from
CCCoA
(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)
Buzzardbait, KY
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Counting Down Until The End Of
The Curious Urinal
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Counting Down Until The End Of
The Curious Urinal
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