The Curious Urinal Friday 10/1/2010
The Curious Urinal Interview - President Jimmy Carter
This last Tuesday, former President Jimmy Carter landed in Ohio and spent two nights in a Cleveland hospital with stomach problems. Our crack reporter, Juan Motyme, drove to Ohio immediately and got to sit down with the former president while he was in the hospital.
CU: Thank you for allowing me to ask you a few questions, Mr. Carter.
JC: Like I have much choice. I'm laying in this bed and you sneak in here posing as a doctor!
CU: All in the name of good reporting, Mr. President.
JC: I'd call for security, but they'd probably let you in to begin with.
CU: They did. Now, I need to ask, what's wrong with you?
JC: Well, I was on the flight to Ohio to make a public appearance for my new book, and I began having stomach pains.
CU: Was it the airline food?
JC: It could have been that, or that Ronald Reagan film they were playing on the flight. I hate that man!
CU: You aren't supposed to speak ill of the dead, Mr. Carter.
JC: Yes, I know, but that damned Reagan beat me in 1980, and I have never forgotten it!
CU: In your new book, and in a recent interview, you claim that you are the more superior of all past presidents. That's saying a great deal, don't you think?
JC: Well, I am. I mean I did end the Shah of Iran's reign of terror and I did boost relations with the Middle East.
CU:You threw the Shah under the proverbial bus and the Iranian Revolution took place. Now we have terrorism all over the world, thanks to your lack of intervention. And as far as relations with the Middle East, they aren't any better now than when you were president.
JC: It's all Bush's fault!
CU: Excuse me? George Bush wasn't anywhere near the White House back in your days as president. How could it be Bush's fault?
JC: Well, President Obama did say he'd give me $5 for every time I said that. I'm up to over a million dollars now. I am just wondering how much a million dollars will be with the value of today's dollar?
CU: Enought to be taxed to death, I'm sure!
JC: Probably, yeah.
CU: Well, just a couple of questions more and I'll let you have the trash can.
JC: Okay.
CU: In your book, you blame Teddy Kennedy for losing the election in 1980.
JC: That drunken bastard cost me votes! It was bad enough that Billy was making problems...
CU: Your brother, Billy?
JC: No, the cabana boy, Billy! Duh! Yes, that Billy! Then old 'Lion of the Senate' Teddy jumps on the wagon and draws votes away from me. Votes that went to Reagan!
CU: I think Reagan defeated you in a landslide... Not because of Kennedy, but because of the mess you made in America at that time.
JC: What mess?
CU: What mess? Well, how's the Iranian Hostage Crisis; the Energy Crisis; high taxes and unemployment... That kind of mess!
JC: It was Bush's fault!
CU: Well, there you go again!
JC: Oh, don't say that. Ithink I'm gonna be sick!
CU: Here, use this trash can and barf. I think this interview is over anyway.
JC: What? You're done? I was wanting to plug the book.
CU: Go peddle the chicken scratch you wrote to someone who cares. I'm out of here! Reagan Rocked!
JC: Oh no... (Spewing in the trash can)
CU: Oh, tonight's dinner is spicy fly-infested camel hump, a heaping bowl of cream of maggot soup and for desert... Monkey brains and termites in a prune sauce.
JC: (more spewing in the trash can)
CU: Hope you get to feeling better... You old imbecile!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Curious Urinal Thursday 9/30/2010
Vote Begging Begins as Congress Flees Washington
WASHINGTON -- Battle-weary members of Congress are coming soon to neighborhoods near you to press for re-election. They are far more eager to campaign before angry constituents than compromise in Washington on tax cuts, child nutrition or a federal budget.
Majority Democrats are facing tough re-election fights all over America. Both houses of Congress rebelled Wednesday, deciding to call off controversial votes, including passing a temporary bill to keep the government running. They instead decided to head home.
"The Senate should be more concerned about doing what's right for the country and less concerned about campaign season," a senator said. "But we're all a bunch of sniveling dogs that needs to be fired and... Wait, did I say that?"
And in Sports
Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Fall Dance on Oct. 8th. This years theme is Thank God The Tobacco-flavored Cumquat Harvest is Over!
Chaperone's are requested to attend this year dance as the high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers who chaperoned last years dance. Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait last year will also note that over 90% of the attendees missed school the following Monday due to the bail hearings.
If you wish to be one of the chaperone's, the requirements include: being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds - as some of our students are fairly good sized.
Benefits include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance).
Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.
Vote Begging Begins as Congress Flees Washington
WASHINGTON -- Battle-weary members of Congress are coming soon to neighborhoods near you to press for re-election. They are far more eager to campaign before angry constituents than compromise in Washington on tax cuts, child nutrition or a federal budget.
Majority Democrats are facing tough re-election fights all over America. Both houses of Congress rebelled Wednesday, deciding to call off controversial votes, including passing a temporary bill to keep the government running. They instead decided to head home.
"The Senate should be more concerned about doing what's right for the country and less concerned about campaign season," a senator said. "But we're all a bunch of sniveling dogs that needs to be fired and... Wait, did I say that?"
And in Sports
Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Fall Dance on Oct. 8th. This years theme is Thank God The Tobacco-flavored Cumquat Harvest is Over!
Chaperone's are requested to attend this year dance as the high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers who chaperoned last years dance. Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait last year will also note that over 90% of the attendees missed school the following Monday due to the bail hearings.
If you wish to be one of the chaperone's, the requirements include: being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds - as some of our students are fairly good sized.
Benefits include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance).
Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Curious Urinal Wednesday 9/29/2010
Autoworkers Caught Drinking Beer, Smoking Pot During Breaks
Here's a story that will make you proud that we bailed out the auto industry. An undercover investigation shows illegal activities by Chrysler employees, who happened have enjoyed nearly $15 billion in government bailout money.
Several dozen autoworkers in Detroit were caught on camera drinking beer and smoking marijuana before heading to work at the Chrysler plant that President Obama praised in a speech just two months ago.
The exclusive investigation done by MyFoxDetroit showed workers at Chrysler's Jefferson North Assembly Plant in Detroit, Mich., drinking beer and smoking joints while on a half-hour lunch break at a nearby park.
The investigation was conducted over several weeks and based on tips from other workers at the plant. This apparently outraged the auto giant's top union representatives, who said, "This is totally unacceptable. How dare the media investigate our hard-working employees. What the employees do in their off-time is nobody's business!"
Back on July 30th, President Obama spoke at the plant, where he lauded the American worker, saying, "It's workers like you that built this country into the greatest economic power the world has ever known. And I want all of you to know, I will bet on the American worker any day of the week." He went on to say, "Especially if the union bosses tell me to say that!"
Local Elementary School Excels in Pretesting
Students here in Ammo County are all preparing for this years TAKS tests. And Buzzardbait students are especially prepared this year; all thanks to one teacher. Miss Anita Fuzzenbush is a highly regarded forth grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School and Flea Market..
In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Friday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics, ranging from Arithmetic to Social Studies.
Here's a sample question posed to the students:
LIST THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________
75% of the students gave the following answer?
1. SQUIRREL SEASON
2. DEER SEASON
3. TOBACCO-FLAVORED CUMQUAT SEASON
4. BASKETBALL SEASON
Yes, Buzzardbait students are the best Ammo County has to offer!
Autoworkers Caught Drinking Beer, Smoking Pot During Breaks
Here's a story that will make you proud that we bailed out the auto industry. An undercover investigation shows illegal activities by Chrysler employees, who happened have enjoyed nearly $15 billion in government bailout money.
Several dozen autoworkers in Detroit were caught on camera drinking beer and smoking marijuana before heading to work at the Chrysler plant that President Obama praised in a speech just two months ago.
The exclusive investigation done by MyFoxDetroit showed workers at Chrysler's Jefferson North Assembly Plant in Detroit, Mich., drinking beer and smoking joints while on a half-hour lunch break at a nearby park.
The investigation was conducted over several weeks and based on tips from other workers at the plant. This apparently outraged the auto giant's top union representatives, who said, "This is totally unacceptable. How dare the media investigate our hard-working employees. What the employees do in their off-time is nobody's business!"
Back on July 30th, President Obama spoke at the plant, where he lauded the American worker, saying, "It's workers like you that built this country into the greatest economic power the world has ever known. And I want all of you to know, I will bet on the American worker any day of the week." He went on to say, "Especially if the union bosses tell me to say that!"
Local Elementary School Excels in Pretesting
Students here in Ammo County are all preparing for this years TAKS tests. And Buzzardbait students are especially prepared this year; all thanks to one teacher. Miss Anita Fuzzenbush is a highly regarded forth grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School and Flea Market..
In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Friday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics, ranging from Arithmetic to Social Studies.
Here's a sample question posed to the students:
LIST THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________
75% of the students gave the following answer?
1. SQUIRREL SEASON
2. DEER SEASON
3. TOBACCO-FLAVORED CUMQUAT SEASON
4. BASKETBALL SEASON
Yes, Buzzardbait students are the best Ammo County has to offer!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Curious Urinal Tuesday 9/28/2010
250,000 British Toddlers Labeled Racists
More than a quarter million British children have been accused of racism since the country passed its Race Relations Act in 2000, according to London's Daily Mail newspaper.
A senior adviser to London Mayor says teachers are being forced to report children as young as 3 years old to the authorities for using alleged "racist" language.
"Teachers are now required to report incidents of racist abuse among children as young as three to local authorities, resulting in a massive increase of cases and reinforcing the perception that we need an army of experts to manage race relations from cradle to grave," a teacher stated.
Examples of 'racist' remarks are: Yo Mama jokes, calling anyone a poo poo head, and the most severe insult, 'Fraidy Cat!'
According to a London civil liberties group, 280,00 incidents have been reported between 2002-2009.
Buzzardbait experiences cable and Internet outage
For the better part of thirty-six hours, Buzzardbait residents were without cable television or Internet service. Buzzardbait Cable Company and Bake Shop experienced a technical glitch that resulted in a total disruption of service yesterday.
LaTonya Mistuatdapartee, public spokesperson for the cable company issued a statement, saying, “Ya'll ain't got no cable or infernets cause we got striked by some lightnings and chit got all fuc... messed up!”
Raymond 'Hotwire' Yacarski, regional vice president of Internet services added, “And until we can figure out what our status is, we cannot offer our usual high-value service to the community!”
Ms. Mistuatdapartee then added, “Dat's right. What he sez!”
Mr. Yacarski then said, “If everything goes according to plan, we should be back up and running sometime tomorrow morning.”
When asked if the cable company would compensate irate customers who had been without TV or Internet for so long, Ms. Mistuatdapartee stated, “Ya'll needs to chill! Ain't no one getting any reparations round here less I gets me some too!”
Then Mr. Yacarski interjected, “In order to maintain out high standards and continue to offer our high-value service, the compensation will be seen in the coming months as no cable increases until December, when our new and improved billing system goes into effect and the rates will automatically be raised to add more high-value services to the community.”
LaTonya Mistuatdapartee closed the press briefing by adding, “So iff'n any of youse redneck sum biches don't like it, ya'll can shove it up you...”
“What Ms. Mistuatdapartee is saying is that we all need a bit of patience as we rectify the current situation and restore our high-value services to this wonderful community.” Mr. Yacarski interrupted.
“Muh fuc... Dat wasn't what I's be sayin'! Don't be puttin' no words in my mouf, youse honky, redneck lovin'...”
Ms. LaTonya Mistuatdapartee was hustled off the stage and summarily gagged.
250,000 British Toddlers Labeled Racists
More than a quarter million British children have been accused of racism since the country passed its Race Relations Act in 2000, according to London's Daily Mail newspaper.
A senior adviser to London Mayor says teachers are being forced to report children as young as 3 years old to the authorities for using alleged "racist" language.
"Teachers are now required to report incidents of racist abuse among children as young as three to local authorities, resulting in a massive increase of cases and reinforcing the perception that we need an army of experts to manage race relations from cradle to grave," a teacher stated.
Examples of 'racist' remarks are: Yo Mama jokes, calling anyone a poo poo head, and the most severe insult, 'Fraidy Cat!'
According to a London civil liberties group, 280,00 incidents have been reported between 2002-2009.
Buzzardbait experiences cable and Internet outage
For the better part of thirty-six hours, Buzzardbait residents were without cable television or Internet service. Buzzardbait Cable Company and Bake Shop experienced a technical glitch that resulted in a total disruption of service yesterday.
LaTonya Mistuatdapartee, public spokesperson for the cable company issued a statement, saying, “Ya'll ain't got no cable or infernets cause we got striked by some lightnings and chit got all fuc... messed up!”
Raymond 'Hotwire' Yacarski, regional vice president of Internet services added, “And until we can figure out what our status is, we cannot offer our usual high-value service to the community!”
Ms. Mistuatdapartee then added, “Dat's right. What he sez!”
Mr. Yacarski then said, “If everything goes according to plan, we should be back up and running sometime tomorrow morning.”
When asked if the cable company would compensate irate customers who had been without TV or Internet for so long, Ms. Mistuatdapartee stated, “Ya'll needs to chill! Ain't no one getting any reparations round here less I gets me some too!”
Then Mr. Yacarski interjected, “In order to maintain out high standards and continue to offer our high-value service, the compensation will be seen in the coming months as no cable increases until December, when our new and improved billing system goes into effect and the rates will automatically be raised to add more high-value services to the community.”
LaTonya Mistuatdapartee closed the press briefing by adding, “So iff'n any of youse redneck sum biches don't like it, ya'll can shove it up you...”
“What Ms. Mistuatdapartee is saying is that we all need a bit of patience as we rectify the current situation and restore our high-value services to this wonderful community.” Mr. Yacarski interrupted.
“Muh fuc... Dat wasn't what I's be sayin'! Don't be puttin' no words in my mouf, youse honky, redneck lovin'...”
Ms. LaTonya Mistuatdapartee was hustled off the stage and summarily gagged.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Curious Urinal Monday 9/27/2010
Sesame Street Not Friendly to Hookers
Katy Perry's cleavage cost her a spot with Elmo on "Sesame Street." The long-running kids show decided to ax a song by "California Gurls" singer, siting that her attire was not child-friendly. Elmo said after taping the song, "I was not comfortable with her being dressed like a common streetwalker."
There's no word if Miss Piggy was upset with Kermit the Frog, who offered $20 for a half-hour of ribbits with the singer after the taping.
It seems that Big Bird, as well as Burt and Ernie, protested the appearance. All three carried signs that read, 'We don't like Kissing Gurls!'
Local Restaurateur recovering from injuries
The owner of Sven Jorgensen’s Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet is in the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, recovering from what doctors believe is a severe case of hand cramps and a groin pull. The incident occurred last Friday evening when Sven was whipping up a batch of secret sauce to pour over the latest addition to the menu, Panty Flake Surprise, when he began getting debilitating cramps in his right hand.
This also caused the groin pull apparently, as his grip would not loosen. Aside for some minor blistering in the groin area, doctors were able to loosen the cramped hand with Crisco and the Jaws of Life. Mr. Jorgensen should be released from the hospital as soon as he can pay the bill.
In other news around the area
Local Blues Singer, Milo Days, will be appearing at the Strikes and Suds Bowling Lanes this weekend. His show, called The Milo Days Blues Revue, will be in the bowling alley's lounge. He will perform two shows per night. Tickets go on sale tomorrow. They will cost $10 each in advance, or $7.50 at the door on the days of the show.
Also, Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats will be performing at the Strikes and Suds the following weekend. Tickets will be given away by WBZZ Radio, 895 on you’re A.M. dial.
Sesame Street Not Friendly to Hookers
Katy Perry's cleavage cost her a spot with Elmo on "Sesame Street." The long-running kids show decided to ax a song by "California Gurls" singer, siting that her attire was not child-friendly. Elmo said after taping the song, "I was not comfortable with her being dressed like a common streetwalker."
There's no word if Miss Piggy was upset with Kermit the Frog, who offered $20 for a half-hour of ribbits with the singer after the taping.
It seems that Big Bird, as well as Burt and Ernie, protested the appearance. All three carried signs that read, 'We don't like Kissing Gurls!'
Local Restaurateur recovering from injuries
The owner of Sven Jorgensen’s Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet is in the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, recovering from what doctors believe is a severe case of hand cramps and a groin pull. The incident occurred last Friday evening when Sven was whipping up a batch of secret sauce to pour over the latest addition to the menu, Panty Flake Surprise, when he began getting debilitating cramps in his right hand.
This also caused the groin pull apparently, as his grip would not loosen. Aside for some minor blistering in the groin area, doctors were able to loosen the cramped hand with Crisco and the Jaws of Life. Mr. Jorgensen should be released from the hospital as soon as he can pay the bill.
In other news around the area
Local Blues Singer, Milo Days, will be appearing at the Strikes and Suds Bowling Lanes this weekend. His show, called The Milo Days Blues Revue, will be in the bowling alley's lounge. He will perform two shows per night. Tickets go on sale tomorrow. They will cost $10 each in advance, or $7.50 at the door on the days of the show.
Also, Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats will be performing at the Strikes and Suds the following weekend. Tickets will be given away by WBZZ Radio, 895 on you’re A.M. dial.
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