Local Teacher Wants To Ban Holidays
By Staff Reporter Willie Whacker
Anne Polelicker, a principal at Buzzardbait Elementary School, sent an email to teachers, warning them about celebrating Thanksgiving, Halloween and other holidays. Polelicker, originally from California, stated that Thanksgiving celebrated the annihilation of Native Americans. Halloween glorified witchcraft, and that Christmas was a Pagan ritual in which people were thrown into lava pits to please the gods.
"I hate the holidays! They represent the worst of mankind!" Polelicker stated to The Curious Urinal over the phone.
"But what about the children, who look forward to these holidays?" I asked.
"Screw their fun! This is about getting back at all of those bad things we have done to people throughout the centuries," she replied.
"So, Arbor Day is bad too?" I asked.
"We cut down trees for wood and paper, so yes, it's a bad holiday!" Polelicker claimed.
"What about the Fourth of July?"
She replied, "We came here and wiped out the Native Americans so we can shoot of fireworks, so it has to go!"
Then I asked, "What about Labor Day?"
Principal Polelicker responded, "Labor means work, and work means death, and death kills people, so it needs to go too!"
"Did you celebrate these holidays when you were a child?" I asked.
"Yes, but when I was young, I was ignorant of the atrocities that Christopher Columbus committed against the indigenous peoples, and that Halloween was all about witches and ghouls. Or that Christmas celebrated a make-believe god who wore a red suit and was fat... I mean weight-challenged."
Okay, one last question. "How about we get rid of all the holidays, except for Kwanzaa, and Ramadan, force people to work everyday, without a day off, and then just educate the children that life sucks, then you die... Would that be acceptable to you?"
She replied, "As long as it doesn't apply to me, I'd be for it!"
"That's what I thought!" I replied.
The call ended and I realized that this woman is a nutcase. She needs to go back to Californication and live in a commune with other nutcases that have no clue about enjoying their lives without wanting to screw everyone else out of their enjoyment. Yes, America is going to the crapper in a hurry, and with people like this teaching out children, it wont be long in coming! Let’s not take political correctness to the extreme. Let kids be kids and enjoy their childhood years. God knows that once they become adults, they have to deal with idiots like Polelicker on a regular basis!
A Curious Urinal Special Feature:
Dating Advice for Singles
By Dr. Phillip 'Buster' Hyman, OBGYN
Can you believe that people have trouble dating in today's world of Twitter, MySpace, Facebook and texting? Imagine, so many people out there cannot find dates with all of the people out there in social media. It turns out that no matter the bravado someone has in texting, they may be shy in real life.
Well, we at The Curious Urinal would like to help.
Here are a few pieces of advice that those shy singles need to follow in order to date successfully in modern America.
1. Talk to the opposite sex like they are your friends, not dates
This is probably the most important piece of advice anyone can give you. Don't treat your date like dates. Especially on that all-important first date. Treat your date as if you've known them all of your life. Tell them anything. For example:
Guys - Tell your date about the last five women you wanted to ask out, but that pesky bout of VD you had kept you from doing so.
Gals - Tell that man how you've been cramping and bloating because you have had a really bad case of PMS, and you want to take it out on someone!
2. I am a: Man/Woman Seeking a: Man/Woman for:
With all of the dating sites and social media, it's really easy to find that special someone. Just place an ad. For example:
Guys - Male seeking female for sex/orgies/snuff films. Only blondes/ brunettes/ redheads with big bazoombas need apply. No bald chicks!
Gals - Woman seeking man. Not just any old man, but one that will wine and dine me, buy be clothes, take me on lavish vacations, and listen to me whine when I'm PMSing.
3. Take advantage of your friends
This one is really important. If your friend has a nicer car than you do, borrow it. Or maybe they have a nicer house or apartment than you do. Don't be afraid to tell your date that you actually own it and charging a small fortune for rent it to those slob friends of yours. Sometimes it's the little lies that add up to a fun night later.
4. Don't expect too much
Let's face it, our expectations can get the best of us.
Guys - Don't expect to score on the first date... Unless you rent a hooker. But by the second date, you should be scoring early and often! But beware, some ladies will balk and have you arrested for trying to attack them. If this happens, make sure you have a good lawyer standing by.
Gals - Make sure and control your moods when PMSing. Assault and battery charges are not what you want on your dating resume. Keeping a good lawyer on call is always a good idea if you happen to slip up and bash your date's skull in because you're retaining water.
5. Set your goals low
Instead of trying to date that beautiful woman/ handsome man you've had your eyes on for some time, why not ask the ugly chick/dude that you work with to go out. Odds are, he/she will be more willing to put out, and you can always role play and ask him/her to wear the George Clooney/Brittney Spears mask.
6. See your shyness in a positive light
Guys- Better yet, buy an inflatable doll and pretend you're dating Drew Berrymore.
Gals - Stay home, rent a Brad Pitt movie, and have extra batteries handy!
7. Be aware of your body language
Guys - Don't slouch, sit up straight.
Always keep your hands folded upon the table, not under the table (especially if your arms seem jerky).
Try not to drool in excess.
Maintain eye contact (do not stare at her cleavage - and get caught doing so).
Gals - Avoid staring at the crotch and/or wallet area.
Make sure to shave your pits.
Keep a toothpick handy to get the spinach from between your teeth after dinner (pick your teeth in the bathroom, not in front of your date!).
8. Here are some general rules to go by:
Do not pick your nose in front of your date. If you do, down chew it thereafter.
Do not scratch your butt, your crotch, or pop the pimple on your chin/nose during the date. That can wait till later!
Do not take your shoes and socks off and trim your toenails at the dinner table.
Do not try to light your farts to impress your dates.
Follow these basic rules and you can have a successful date.
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
Findem, Suem and Skrewem
Attorneys at Law
At the corner of Fifth and Main in
Downtown Buzzardbait, KY
Remember, when you're in need of a good
attorney to take your case to court,
look to
Findem, Suem, and Skrewem
