The Curious Urinal -Friday 5/6/2011

A Special Report from The Curious Urinal - What They Say and What They Really Mean.

We at The Curious Urinal from time to time like to inform you, the readers, that sometimes you have to sift through what the advertisers say to get to the bottom of what they really are saying. So, as a public service, here's a sample of What They Say and What They Really Mean.

What They Say:

Fred's Lawn Service is your one-stop lawn service in Buzzardbait. Fred's Lawn Service is locally owned and operated and can handle even the toughest grass out there. Our state of the art mowers are equipped with the latest technology, so we can easily service your hard-to-mow lawn with ease. Our rates are competitive and we can be at your home anytime of the day or week.

So, call Fred's Lawn Service when you're ready to stop mowing that yard yourself! Our state of the art messaging system allows us to handle you calls 24/7. The number to call is number is Buzzardbait 5741.

 

What They Really Mean:

Fred's Lawn Service is your one-stop lawn service in Buzzardbait (since we are the only lawn service in Buzzardbait - especially after old man Paxton, owner of Paxton's Lawn Care, ran off with Wilma Waddleson and sold his mowers so he could pay for the airplane tickets to Vegas).

Fred's Lawn Service is locally owned and operated (because Fred lives here, and not up in Lousyville, like the rest of them fancy lawn service guys) and can handle even the toughest grass out there (so long as it's not full of dog crap, as Fred is allergic to dog crap).

Our state of the art mowers (they have blades) are equipped with the latest technology (they run on gas), so we can easily service your hard-to-mow lawn with ease (although Elmer Emmerson's yard was a bit tough to cut as it had a rabid squirrel attacking Fred every time he came near the old oak tree the squirrel was hanging out in).

Our rates are competitive (since we have no competition in Buzzardbait, we can say that and charge you more than those fancy Lousyville lawn service guys charge - and what are you gonna do about it, huh?) and we can be at your home anytime of the day or week (except for the weekends, because Fred likes to go fishing and get drunk with his friends, or spend time over at Big Al's Titty Emporium, stuffing dollar bills in the G-Strings of the girls. Oh, Mondays aren't a good day for Fred, since he's usually hung over from the weekend. Friday's aren't good either, since Fred starts drinking around 9 a.m., so he's not trustworthy around moving equipment - Ask Norma Littleson, because she'll tell you that Fred ran over her cat and spattered cat chunks all over her front porch - and yes, the cat was on the porch at the time of the accident).

So, call Fred's Lawn Service when you're ready to stop mowing that yard yourself (unless you need him to do it right away, then you might want to do it yourself, as Fred's probably laying drunk somewhere at the moment). Our state of the art messaging system (Fred went out and bought a used answering machine at a yard sale a couple of weeks ago) allows us to handle you calls 24/7 (Just don't call after 6 p.m. or before 9 a.m. as Fred is apt to pick up the phone and cuss you for waking him up. And whatever you do, don't call while Roller Derby or Wrestling is on, because Fred has a tendency to cuss people out during those shows too).

The number to call is number is Buzzardbait 5741(Fred is using the old phone system because he's too cheap to spring for a rotary dial phone).

The Curious Urinal - Special Edition
5/3/2011

Osama Bin Laden is Dead

"We finally got the bastard!" Proclaims our unknown source in Washington D.C. "This is a big f**kin' deal!" The unknown source added, then went on to discribe the scene inside the White House.

President Obama strutted around the Oval Office, high-fiving his staff upon news that the Al Qaeda Leader and all around evil dude was dead. He did a few belly bumps with Joe Biden and Hilary Clinton, then went to shoot some basketball.

Bin Laden's DNA was taken, as well as some  8x10 glossy pics taken for future reference. Then, his body was weighed down with concrete blocks and was tossed over the side of a Navy ship to sleep with the fishes - in traditional gangster style.

Good riddence and we hope hell is hot enough for you!

In other news:

Starving Child will remain so until store is restocked.

Little La'Shequa Smith walked into the Buzzardbait Supermarket and Childcare Center yesterday with his mother. Ms. LaQuisha Hussain- Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones (yes, she's been married that many times) took her youngest of 11 children into the supermarket to buy his favorite food, Spaghetti Squares (that is the generic Buzzardbait version of Spaghetti-O's), but found the aisle had been wiped out, as their had been a sale, and every last can had been bought.

Now crying, Little La'Shequa (Elmo to his friends) asked his mother what had happened to his favorite food? Not knowing what to tell her son, Ms. Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones decided to ask the manager, Omar Hockendaloogy. Mr. Hockendaloogy didn't know the answer, but knew were to look. The surveillance tape from Aisle 13 (that's the canned snack food aisle).

Since there had been a sale on the item, he was sure that he would find several customers stocking-up on the tasty little Spaghetti-Square's, manufactured by Buzzardbait Food Processing and Dog Food Company, LLC. But what he and Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones, along with little La'Shequa, saw was incredible.

One woman raked the entire contents of the shelf, all 13 cans, into her cart, all the while rubbing her hands together and appeared to be laughing maniacally.

Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones looked at her son, all teary-eyed, and said, "Baby, that crazy white woman done cleaned-out your favorite food."

La'Quesha began bawling, saying, "There goes my breakfast and dinner for the rest of the year, and my Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners too!"

Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones then said, there ought to be a law against that kinda thing!"

And as for Mr. Hockendaloogy, he said that since the aisle was completely wiped out of Spaghetti-Square's. it would take a few days to replenish the stock.

"My baby's gonna starve by then!" Ms. LaQuisha Hussain-Washington-Carver-Benton-Claymore-Jones exclaimed.

Quickly thinking, Mr. Hockendaloogy called the Buzzardbait Food Processing and Dog Food Company, LLC. and spoke with Uma Trenchmouth, the sales rep, and secured a case of Spaghetti-Square's for little LaQuesha, that would be delivered to the trailer he and his mother and 10 other siblings occupy.

It's that kind of customer service that makes Buzzardbait Supermarket and Childcare Center the best place to shop on Main Street.

This Special Report has been brought to you by one of our favorite sponsors:

Duckwizz Bottled Water

Remember - If it's not Duckwizz, it's not All-Natural!