The Curious Urinal Thursday 9/16/2010

I Wonder What Captain Kirk Would Think?

Die-hard "Star Trek" fans may need refer to their Klingon dictionaries. And they may need to take a transporter to Europe. Why? For the debut of the first opera ever to be completely sung in the invented science fiction language of Klingon.

The opera was called "u," and it kicked off a three-day run at the Zeebelt Theater in The Hague, Netherlands last week. The title "u" is the Klingon word for "universe" or "universal." Since opera occupies a large part of Klingon culture, the creation of such a show here on Earth seemed like a logical choice, opera organizers said.

The 90-minute production follows the journey of Kahless the Unforgettable. After being betrayed by his brother and bearing witness to his father's brutal death, Kahless faces his bitter enemy, the tyrant Molor.

Along the way, Kahless fights to regain his honor by traveling into the underworld, waging epic battles, and reuniting with his true love, Lukara.


There's no word if it is coming to America any time soon, but if it did, there are millions of Trekkers that would pour into the theaters and critique it to death!

The Romulan Ambassador to Star Fleet did not have any comment on the Klingon Opera, but sources within the empire say that it was stolen from them, and they may invade Federation space if it's not stopped.

This edition of The Curious Urinal is sponsored by:




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The Curious Urinal Wednesday, 9/15/2010

Obama's Latest Plan to Save Failing Economy

With his approval numbers falling faster than pigs being tossed from an airplane, President Obama unveiled his latest proposal to bolster the miserable economy. In a press conference inside of a McDonalds Restaurant in Cincinnati, OH, Obama touted his ultimate plan.

"We'll start selling parts of America back to Mexico, France, Canada and Saudi Arabia. Then, we take your houses from you and give them to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, who will then rent the houses back to you for a small 10,000% mark-up. Then, we rob Fort Knox like Goldfinger did in that old James Bond movie... And then, just for fun, we'll sell conservatives for scientific experiments by the pound!"

The raved reviews from Acorn workers and SEIU members drowned out the boos and hisses from the rest of the restaurant, who began pelting the president with Chicken McNuggets and hunks of cheeseburgers. The Secret Service wrestled the crowd to the ground, and then allowed the Acorn workers and SEIU members to beat them to a bloody pulp.

No word if Ronald McDonald approves of the plan.

New Oil to come from Mexico?

Even though President Obama imposed a moratorium on U.S. deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, the U.S. Export-Import Bank intends to guarantee $1 billion in loans to PEMEX, the Mexican state oil company, to bolster the company's oil drilling in the region.

The bank, which is the official American export credit agency, loaned more than $1 billion to PEMEX in 2009 -- when the company was the bank's largest borrower -- in support of its drilling activities. That year, the bank also guaranteed two loans totaling $300 million made by a commercial lender.

The latest request comes during a drilling moratorium that was first imposed by Obama in May to find out what was the cause behind the April 20 Deepwater Horizon oil rig explosion killed 11 workers and led to 206 million gallons of oil spewing from BP's undersea well.

After a federal court struck down the ban amid complaints that it threatened thousands of jobs in the offshore oil industry, the Obama administration issued a new moratorium in July on most deep-water drilling activities that is in effect until Nov. 30.

Obama says that it's a win-win situation for everybody. "We can bring in cheap oil from Mexico, and use illegal immigrants to carry a 55 gallon drum with them as they cross the border. The more illegal immigrants, the more oil we get! This should make those SUV-driving conservatives happy!"

A Note For Dewaine From Kelsey Grammer

The Curious Urinal Monday 9/13/2010

Holy Backfiring Stimulus Plan

U.S. poverty rankings are nearing an all-time high. The number of people in America who are in poverty is heading for record increases on President Obama's watch; the ranks of working-age poor is fast approaching 1960's levels that led to the national war on poverty.

According to Census figures for 2009 — the recession-ravaged first year of the Obama presidency — are to be released in the coming week, and demographers expect grim findings.

"It's unfortunate timing for the president and the democrats," said a White House staffer who wished to remain anonymous. "With just seven weeks left before the mid-term elections, when control of Congress is at stake, the president looks to be failing badly as far as the numbers of poor people in the U.S."

The anticipated poverty rate increase — from 13.2 percent to about 15 percent — would be another blow to Democrats struggling to persuade voters to keep them in power.

Even the president said, "The most important anti-poverty effort is growing the economy and making sure there are enough jobs out there. If we can grow the economy faster and create more jobs, then everybody is swept up into that virtuous cycle."

But with a failing stimulus plan, over-spending taxpayers hard-earned dollars, and spending more time on vacations and golf outings than time actually spent inside the White House, Obama is well on his way to making Jimmy Carter look like a fiscal conservative.



News Reporter Quits On-Air

OSLO, Norway-- A Norwegian radio news reporter quit on the air after complaining about her job and saying she wouldn't read the day's news because "nothing important has happened" anyway.

Pia Beathe Pedersen accused her employers at the radio station of putting too much pressure on the staff. She went on, saying, "I mean, seriously, the station plays too damn much Justin Bieber! No one can stand that kind of pressure!"

The Curious Urinal Tuesday 9/14/2010


Christians Attacked and Stabbed

BEKASI, Indonesia — Several assailants stabbed a Christian worshipper in the stomach, then pounded a minister in the head with a wooden plank as they headed to morning prayers Sunday outside Indonesia's capital.

No one has yet claimed responsibility for the attacks, but a certain Islamic hard-line group - who have warned members of the Batak Christian Protestant Church against worshipping on a field housing their now-shuttered church - are being targeted for the blame.

In recent months, they have thrown shoes and water bottles at the church members, interrupted sermons with chants of "Infidels!" and "Leave Now!" They have also dumped piles of feces on the land.

Police say that a worshipper was on his way to the field when assailants jumped off a motorcycle and stabbed him in the stomach. Then the pastor, who came to the parishioners defense, was smashed in the head.

An anonymous Muslim militant, his face covered with a mask, said, "Islam is a religion of peace. And we'll behead anyone who says otherwise!"


Hamburger anyone?

A new survey of America's favorite fast-food restaurants may have Ronald McDonald crying in his glop-like, nasty-tasting milkshake . Some critics are saying that the best part of the hamburgers at the Golden Arches is the toppings.

"I only eat the McNuggets," said a random person from New Jersey after lunch yesterday at a McDonald's. "The burgers taste like rubber that had been squeezed out of the ass of a bear. The food really sucks, and the clown scared the bejesus out of me!

Despite record sales at McDonald's, burger lovers surveyed by Consumer Reports gave the chain's basic beef patty a thumbs-down. The nationwide survey of 28,000 ranked McDonald's a lowly 18th out of 18.

Local hamburger chain, Phurrburgers, was not in the rating this year as they have only one location. But many local residents prefer Phurrbugers over the rest of the restaurant chains combined. Take Oliver Closoff; he's the Ammo County Road Commissioner. He enjoys a Phurrburger every chance he gets. "There's nothing like a Phurrburger to brighten my day!"

___

Friday, Sept 10, 2010

The Curious Urinal Interview

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

She's one of the members of the 'Jersey Shore' gang, and probably the most famous of them all. Snooki is a lovely young lady with a lot of talent. And we had a wonderful interview over the phone yesterday. The following is the transcript of the call.

CU: Thank you for talking with us today, Snooki.

Snooki: Whatever.

CU: You are on the hit MTV show called Jersey Shore. You are one of the fan favorites on the show. What can you tell us about it?

Snooki: Look, I haven't got time to talk about crap like that. I mean, really, I am my own person. Let's talk about me.

CU: Okay. So, you were in court on Wednesday facing a judge over some incident on Seaside Heights Beach. What's up with that?

Snooki: Look, I was drunk and got a little loud. Whadda want from me, F***in' blood?

CU: But come on, tell us if it was a part of the show...

Snooki: Look, f***head, I had a couple of f***in' drinks and I f***ed up. Okay?

CU: So, it wasn't a part of the show?

Snooki: F*** you! Let's talk about me, not that f***in beach s**t, got it?

CU: Okay, fine. So what would you like to tell your fans?

Snooki: Well, I'm really a nice Italian girl and I... Hold on, some f***in' reporters at the f***in' door. (shouting away from the phone) Go the f**k away, you piece of f***in s**t. I'm f***in' busy in here!

CU: Is everything okay?

Snooki: F**k them f***in' reporters. Like they never f***in' f***ed up or anything like that!

CU: We all make mistakes. So, the judge sentenced you to a day of community service and gave you a $500 fine and $33 in court cost. How did you feel afterwards?

Snooki: How the f**k do you think I f***in' feel, a**hole? I had to do f***in' community f***in' service. I was f***in' hangin' out with f***in animals and having to clean their f***in' s**t out of their f***in' cages! F**k a bunch of that f***in' s**t!

CU: One last question. When the judge said you were a Lindsey Lohan wannabe, what went through your mind.

Snooki: F**k that s**t! Lindsey f***in' Lohan can kiss my f***in'...

CU: Well, I know you have a busy schedule and I do thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Snooki: What was the name of your newspaper again?

CU: The Curious Urinal. We are an online newspaper.

Snooki: You mean you're not a real f***in' newspaper?

CU: No ma'am.

Snooki: Then f**k you! (the line went dead)


Afterthoughts. Snooki is such an amazingly polite young lady... Once you get past her attitude and potty mouth, that is.

Thursday Sept. 9, 2010

Homeless people PO'd at Fast Food!

McDonald's, America's number one fast food chain has the ever popular $1 menu nationwide. With the current unemployment problem in this country, that value is important to many families on a strict budget.

But in San Francisco's Haight-Ashbury neighborhood, there is now a feud over cheap food. It has escalated into a debate on economics and that city's homeless problem.

A McDonald's franchise owner in that neighborhood recently decided to discontinue the $1 menu at her restaurant and start charging an extra 50 cents for each of the items. A price hikes like that might normally be met by grumbles elsewhere, but in bohemian Haight-Ashbury, homeless people are upset, claiming they rely on the dollar deals to survive.

The homeless interviewed by the San Fransisco newspaper suggested it was part of a larger program of unfriendly policies in the city, whose mayor is pushing an anti-loitering ballot measure.

One homeless man named Earl said it best. "Between the taxes that Obama and that bunch of crooks in Washington passes on alcohol and cigarettes, and then this hike on cheeseburgers, how's a homeless man like me supposed to eat, smoke and drink?"

But in Buzzardbait, the homeless problem isn't much of a problem. According to Oliver Closoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner,"There's only one homeless person in all of Ammo County. His name is Earl (a coincidence) and he lives under the Big Seven Bridge over Stinking Creek. The Big Seven Bridge is seven yards long and twenty foot wide, so he has a nice shady spot to sleep in the summer, especially when he is running that A/C unit found in that abandoned trailer a couple of years back. And in the the winter, well, he gathers all of the cardboard he can and makes himself a bunch of walls. Last year, he found a door and a couple of old windows at the dump and fixed the place up real nice. He has a wood floor that is carpeted, a queen-size bed and two 40 watt light bulbs that he uses at night when he's not watching that Plasma screen TV he won in that all-you-can-eat pickled bologna contest last spring."

When we asked about food prices, Mr. Clossoff replied, "I think Earl does pretty well for himself as far as food goes. I know most all of the restaurants toss out wasted food, and they normally box up stuff for him to eat. Over at Felix Plumptushy's Farm, they let him run a couple of extension cords down to the viaduct. He found an old, abandoned refrigerator and a stove, and he has food enough in there for a week at a time. I normally see Milo Days running a case of Dingleberry Wine down his way every couple of weeks, and as far as I know Big Al's Titty Emporium sends a couple of girls down there to pick him up on Saturday nights so he can earn extra money sweeping the puke off of the dance floor. So I think Earl is pretty well set for a homeless guy."

And in sports:

High School Footballs kicks off this Friday when The Buzzardbait Fighting Vultures take on the Poon Point Pixies in a grudge game. If you remember the game last year, the Poon Point team drove into the end zone on a last second touchdown and ruined the Buzzardbait Vultures chance to go to the state finals in Lousyville. Kick-off is at 7 p.m. and parking will be allowed this year on Irvin Tooter's tobacco-flavored cumquat field since he has already harvested his crop.

Also, Aureole Acres Niplets will face-off against the Hardon County Pocket Rockets at 7 p.m. at Hardon County High School's field.

And the game of the week: Hooter Heights takes on Cooter Creek at the Hooter Heights football complex and mud bog. That game starts at 6 p.m. so the mud-boggers can race at 9 p.m.

Wednesday Sept. 8, 2010

Obama: Economy is on the Upturn!

Washington - President Obama touted the recent economic numbers to bolster his claim that the nation is on a sound road to recovery. "Unemployment is up, meaning more people are in the job market, thus we can raise taxes on everyone making money and give more to those that aren't!"

But a anonymous economics advisor spoke up and refutiated the claim, saying, "This president obviously never passed basic math, much less economics 101. The unemployment rates went up because more people lost their jobs! Thus, you don't raise taxes to insure that more people follow suit."

Local merchant, Lester Horwinkeler of Horwinkler's House of Cheese, commented on the presidents claim. "I'm sitting on three-hundred pounds of moldy cheese because none of my customers can afford it anymore. The president needs to remember that small businesses are the backbone of this nation. The spineless jellyfish in Washington don't have to worry about losing their jobs... At least until November!"

At Least's it's not Jihad... Yet!

JAKARTA, Indonesia — Thousands of Muslims in Indonesia gathered outside of the U.S. Embassy in Jakarta on Saturday to denounce a plan that an American church has to mark the anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks... By burning copies of the Quran.

The Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida, has said it will burn the Islamic holy book Wednesday, marking the ninth anniversary of the terror attacks of 9/11. Although local officials have denied a permit for a bonfire on the church's grounds, the center (which made headlines last year by distributing T-shirts that said "Islam is of the Devil") says that it will go ahead with the plan.

Roughly 3,000 members of a hard-line Islamic terrorist group marched to the U.S. Embassy in downtown Jakarta waving banners and posters condemning the plan. The terrorists group also organized similar rallies in five other cities across Indonesia, the world' largest Muslim nation.

One demonstrator said, "Islam is the religion of peace. For these infidel bastards to burn the holy Quran will mean we will butcher millions and behead anyone who defiles Islam. America must die! Israel must die, and all infidels must die so the religion of peace can conquer the world and kill anyone it wants to at anytime!"

Tuesday Sept. 7, 2010

Lindsey Lohan in Hit and Run with Baby Stroller?

Fresh out of jail and rehab, Lindsay Lohan could find herself in more legal trouble.

Two eyewitnesses have alleged to have spotted the 24-year-old pulling her Maserati out of her West Hollywood apartment building, running a red light, making a left turn, and then running straight into a stroller being pushed by a nanny.

“It was full impact, a major hit,” the eyewitness paparazzo claimed, adding that the bumper struck the nanny in the leg as well as the stroller.

But instead of filing a police report, the paparazzo reportedly sold the footage to an online gossip site. Allegedly shot seconds after the incident, it features the baby crying and the nanny “in shock” and continuing to push the stroller.

Another eyewitness also added, "It was great. The car Lindsey Lohan was driving then backed over the woman and the baby stroller, peeled out and sent baby and nanny pieces at least fifty yards. It was like I was watching Death Race 2000... Wait, I was watching Death Race 2000. Wow, I need to stop smoking weed!"


That's not a Tax Audit... This is a Tax Audit!

SYDNEY, Australia – Crocodile Dundee Actor Paul Hogan has been cleared to return home to the United States after he was barred last month from leaving Australia because of a disputed tax bill, his lawyer said Friday.

The 70-year-old Australian-born actor, currently living in Los Angeles, arrived in Sydney on Aug. 20 to attend his mother's funeral. He was served with an Australian Taxation Office order barring him from leaving Australia until he settles a multimillion dollar tax bill, lawyer Andrew Robinson said last week.

He is Currently working on a new movie, which has the working title of: Crocodile Dundee vs. the Australian IRS!

A Special Labor Day Edition of The Curious Urinal

Old vs. Young
(or How to win a No-holds Barred Battle Royal in 12 minutes)
By staff reporter Juan Motyme

The story you're about to read is mostly true... The names haven't been changed to protect anyone.

It was another beautiful evening in downtown Buzzardbait when this reporter took off from his grueling task of reporting the news. It was the last official weekend of summer and I was finally off from work to enjoy the rest of the three-day weekend. The sun was still shining brightly with a few clouds on the horizon. It was the perfect time to head to the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Bar.

Upon entering, there were only a few patrons, all huddled around their respective beers, listening to Kid Rock doing a duet with Snoop Dog on the juke box. The karaoke machine was broken, thus the night seemed like it held promise. Maybe it would be a quiet, uneventful evening?

And all of that should have been an omen.

A lady friend of mine was already there, shooting pool by herself. I bought two Schitts beers and walked over to the pool table, handing her one and grabbing myself a pool cue. On the TV, some motocross race was underway, with no one paying any attention to it.

After a couple of games, my lady friend motioned toward the door. When I turned around there were six of the ugliest people I have ever laid eyes upon walking into the bar. None of them looked to be over eighteen or nineteen years old. And every one of them sported a variety of tattoos, assorted body piercings and nearly shaved heads. It looked like a bunch of neo-Nazis had walked in the bar.

My lady friend whispered to me, “Looks like the circus is in town, ‘cause the freak show just walked in!”

After being in the bar less than thirty seconds or so, the owner, Phillip Douschbagger, came walking up to them and asked to see ID’s. Of course, none of them happened to have a drivers license, library card, nor anything remotely resembling an ID. Phillip Douschbagger then asked the boys, tattoos, body piercings and all to vacate the premises since they had to be 21 to enter.

The boys left, mumbling about old f**kers, nig*a’s and rednecks. They were obviously a well-mannered bunch of boys. They proceeded to walk outside and piled-up on the trunk of their P.O.S. car and started mouthing off at Butch Hootergripper, one of the newest regulars at the pool hall/bar. He and his wife, Ima (along with Ima's elderly mother), came in the door and immediately informer Phillip Douschbagger of the rowdies in the parking lot.

Now, normally I shy away from fights, but somehow I knew that there was about to be one, and there were six crack-head freakshow’s in the parking lot, and only one Phillip Douschbagger, who was heading out the door to run them off. Needless to say, every man in the building began heading to the door; and I was among them. Damned if I was gonna sit this one out. These kids needed a lesson in manners, and us old men were all going to volunteer to be their teachers.

When the young pencil-neck geeks began filing off the trunk and was in the process of surrounding Phillip Douschbagger, the old men of the bar, myself included, began our advance out of the door (When we came out of the door, two things went through my mind: 1. I might die tonight; and 2. I better pull out my knife and have it handy... Just in case). In the finest military tradition, we marched out to battle, fists doubled-up, pool cues and knives in hand, all ready to take on the enemy.

When the first shove turned into the first punch, I saw one of the little hoodlums heading toward me. I brandished the knife, showing the punk I meant business, and said, “You don’t want any of this!” Apparently he agreed as he wet himself and moved back, away from my position. But another punk, bigger than the first moved toward me. He obviously wasn’t aware that I intended to cut him up into Chicken McNuggets if he got close enough. Instead, he went to Butch Hootergripper (who stood just to my right, behind me), and they began trading punches.

Roscoe Harritung had one of the boys on the ground, sitting on him; all the while connecting his right fist with the boy's nose. In his left hand was a cold Schitts beer, in which he was imbibing every few punches.

Jack Midick and a tall, skinny boy who has a tattoo of a dragon on his neck and three piercing in his bottom lip, were trading punches until Jack decided that it was time to kick the tall boy in the gonads. When the punk doubled over, writhing in agony, Jack proceeded to take his elbow and drive in into the punks back, sending him to his knees. Jack proceeded to kick the boy in the arse several times before feeling sorry for him and knocking him out with a boot to the head.

Meanwhile, Phillip Douschbagger had the punk with black teeth (obviously a crack head), in a head lock and was putting on a show like he was a star in the WWE. He brought the little punker off of his feet several time before body slamming him onto the hood of the car.

Now, before I go any further, there was one of the punklets that seemed to have enough sense to try to get his friends into the car and kept apologizing for the trouble. He was the only one of the group that seemed to not want to fight anyone. I looked at him and said, “You need new friends!”

He nodded his agreement and actually got three of the punks into the car. But the taller, uglier of the bunch decided to be a real man and punch Ima Hootergripper’s mother, Gerlene Tushylumps, in the side of the head. He had picked up a piece of stray pool cue (that laid in the parking lot in three pieces after being broken over the head of black teeth earlier) and waylaid her in the jaw. He was such a real man for doing that; hitting an elderly woman, who was just trying to help her son-in-law out by handing him a broken beer bottle.

Needless to say, Black Teeth, the instigator of the entire ordeal, decided he’d have the last word and picked up a can of cold beer (not Schitts, but one of the national brands) and tried to make a line drive into the back of Phillip Douschbagger's head. I intercepted the thrown beer, spun around and tossed it into the windshield of the car, busting it out. Damn, that felt good!

Finally, the little punklets left, laying a patch of rubber all the way out of the parking lot (Oh, I do remember when my mom and dad bought my tires, too).

Three minutes later, four squad cars of Buzzardbait’s Finest (the Buzzardbait Police Department) arrived. Detective Inspector took statements from all of us, and we gave him a description of the vehicle, the license plate number, and the complete descriptions of the perps in question. Then the police left, in search of the suspects.

The entire ordeal took only twelve minutes. And then, after 45 minutes of police reports, we all re-entered the bar. The fight was over, and I - for one - was damned glad of it. But, for the rest of the evening we all sat around and swapped stories of our individual fights for survival. The testosterone and Schitts beers flowed freely from that point on.

By the time the bar filled-up about an hour later, each new patron was filled-in on the antics of the Old Guys versus the Young Punks. And each of us bragged on the other about our collective heroics in defeating the enemy; all the while being up against superior odds.

When the bar closed-down at midnight, I went home - hoping not to have another night like that again.

We’re all too old for that kind of action!

Or are we?

The moral of this story is: Even though you may be young and full of piss and vinegar, never underestimate the power of some old man with years of experience behind him... Or you might just find yourself on the receiving end of that experience, and years of pent-up frustration.

Youth is truly wasted on the Young!

The Curious Urinal Sept. 3, 2010

The Curious Urinal Interview: Paris Hilton

In recent days, Paris Hilton has found herself in trouble with the law once again. And The Curious Urinal decided that crack reporter, Juan Motyme, should travel to L.A. to speak to her. The following is what took place.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with me today so you can give your side of the story.

PH: Uh huh.

CU: So, you have had several run-ins with the law as of late. First, back in 2007 you were charged with an alcohol-related reckless driving charge. You were sentenced to 45 days and served 23 days. Then this past June, you get in trouble again. Then in Las Vegas, you were found with cocaine in your purse...

PH: It wasn't my purse!

CU: Excuse me?

PH: It wasn't my purse. I was... Uh, holding it for a friend. Yeah, that's it!

CU: Your friend let you carry her purse with cocaine in it?

PH: Uh huh.

CU: Some friend!

PH: It wasn't my fault.

CU: But what about the marijuana in the vehicle at the time you were arrested?

PH: It wasn't mine. I wasn't smoking it.

CU: But you were in the vehicle.

PH: I needed a ride is all.

CU: So, you were in a vehicle in Las Vegas, with marijuana being smoked inside the vehicle and carrying someone else's purse with cocaine in it?

PH: Uh huh.

CU: I'm sure the readers will find that a bit hard to swallow.

PH: Oh, you saw my movie?

CU: Excuse me?

PH: You know, the porn thing I did a few years back.

CU: Actually, no.

PH: It was some of my finest work as an actress.

CU: Perhaps so, but we're talking about the drugs in the purse.

PH: It wasn't my purse.

CU: So you have said.

PH: I prefer that we talk about something else. This subject bores me.

CU: But this is news, and the public wants to know...

PH: All they need to know is I'm beautiful, rich and talented. The rest they don't need to know.

CU: But it's made national news.

PH: And I simply love the publicity. But now we need to move on.

CU: So, you're saying you don't wish to talk about it?

PH: Uh huh.

CU: So, what would you like to talk about?

PH: I dunno. Maybe how I have a terrific smile and I'm so beautiful that all women are jealous of me?

CU: Do you think that, really?

PH: Uh huh.

CU: Then maybe we could talk about your being arrested on the felony cocaine possession charge? You could face up to four years in jail.

PH: I doubt that they will do that. I mean, really, do I look like I have that kind of time to commit to something like that?

CU: Excuse me?

PH: Look, I need to go. I have a photo shoot for Skank Magazine in a little while, and I need to make myself even more beautiful than I already am.

CU: Uh huh.


Today's Interview was brought to you by...


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Then you need Skank-Off!

Shank-Off is the deodorant that attracts the attractive ladies, and at the same time runs off the ugly ones. And isn't that what you really want in a deodorant?

And Skank-Off comes in three scents:
He-man, I'm Rich, and Hung like a Horse!

So when you need a deodorant that can do the job, don't go after the wimpy deodorants. Reach for Skank-Off... The real man's deodorant!

The Curious Urinal Sept. 2, 2010

Gunman takes network hostage; gets ventilated!

James Jay Lee, professional nutcase and part-time protester, stormed into Discovery Channel Headquarters in Silver Springs, MD and took three hostages yesterday. He wore a vest with pipe bombs and canisters of explosive gases attatched. Apparently he was ready to martyr himself for his beliefs that humans, and most notable children, are parasites on the planet.

Local exterminators, the Silver Springs SWAT team, popped a cap in the parasite and took him down. He died the way he lived... As just another nutcase who thinks he knows better how to run the lives of everyone else... Much like what Congress believes.

All of the hostages, and all of the employees of the Discovery Channel were uninjured, including 100 children.

Rabbi condemned, Ahmadinejad hailed

The U.S. State Department on Sunday issued a statement criticizing an Israeli rabbi who reportedly wished God would send a plague to kill off all Palestinians, including the "evil hater of Israel," Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas.

"We regret and condemn the inflammatory statements by Rabbi Ovadia Yosef," State Department spokesman Philip Crowley said, noting that the rabbi's comments do not reflect the views of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

"These remarks are not only deeply offensive, but incitement such as this hurts the cause of peace. As we move forward to re-launch peace negotiations, it is important that actions by people on all sides help to advance our effort, not hinder it," Crowley said.

But, in a related story, Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, called for the death of Israel, America, and all infidels worldwide. The U.S. State Department hailed the president of Iran for his moderate views.

Let's Get Stoned?

PARIS – About 300 people from rights organizations have demonstrated in Paris to urge Iran to stop its plans to carry out the death sentence on an Iranian woman convicted of adultery.

The protesters carried banners reading "Let's Save Sakineh," in honor of Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, a 43-year-old mother of two who's been sentenced to death by stoning for adultery.

After international protests, Iran lifted the stoning sentence last month, but she could still face execution by hanging. "A far better method to deal with women who go against Sharia Law!" Claimed President Ahmadinejad, who also condemned Israel, America and all other western nations for their lack of Sharia Law. "We could kill everyone and have a glorious peace!"

Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton, said that, "Ahmadinejad is an ambassador of peace and understanding in the Middle East. And I can't wait to wear a burqa!"

The Curious Urinal Sept. 1, 2010

Surprise Town Hall Meeting From The President

In the 'Never will happen in Buzzardbait' Department, history was made yesterday as the presidential motorcade rolled into Buzzardbait. Throngs of cheering people... Okay, there were three people who happened to be standing on the corner of Main and Pudding Streets, and they waved at the presidential limo as it passed by.

The motorcade came to a stop at Buzzardbait High School, where the Secret Service quickly hustled the president inside the gymnasium. Following close behind the motorcade was two buses full of Acorn volunteers and SEIU members, all cheering as they pulled up to the high school and quickly ushered inside. A legion of national media types set up shop in the parking lot. As the media began to set up, SEIU members and Acorn workers quickly beat up the Fox reporter and a couple of old ladies for good measure.

A few locals were also allowed inside. One was Bisbee Hollings, a local farmer. Another was Leslie Buttermounds of Hooter Heights. They were told that they would be allowed to ask the president a question after his speech. As the crowd milled inside, they were being ushered through a metal detector, and then patted down, being searched for weapons. One older woman asked, “I wonder if they will strip search me like they did at the Lousyville Airport last month? They let those nice Arab fellers on without so much as asking them to be searched, but they took me into a room and made me strip down to my birthday suit. I'm 80 years old. I don't think I look like a terrorist!” She soon was allowed inside without a strip search. The other few locals that were allowed inside were hustled unceremoniously to the bleachers.

Suddenly the president was on the stage, walking proudly toward the dais, waving to the cheering Acorn workers and SEIU members seated in the chairs on the schools basketball court. Once at the podium, surrounded by teleprompters, he began speaking about how he had turned the nation around, how he created or saved countless millions of jobs, and he personally took charge of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, defeating the Taliban and how he has brought peace to the Middle East, all the while doing what the American people wanted, transforming America from the leader of the free world, to just another nation state full of obscene taxes, chaos and turmoil.

After his speech ended, he began taking questions from the audience. One of the Acorn workers asked if it had been tough to work his miracles. The president replied, “Although I inherited a great deal in way of problems from the previous administration, I have risen to the challenge and cured the world of its ills.”

Another softball question followed from an SEIU member about the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. The President answered, “Since I inherited the Bush Wars, I took it into deep consideration what to do, and implemented a plan that would end both wars, withdrawing our troops, and prosecuting those who we could spend billions on in kangaroo courts all over New York.”

Yet another question on the economy. The President's answer, “Bush's fault!”

And energy costs... “Bush's fault!”

And moral decline... “Bush's fault!”

The cost of health care... “Bush's fault!”

Lack of medical advances... “Bush's fault!”

Sports issues... “Bush's fault!”

Reality TV... “Bush's fault!”

The weather... “Bush's fault!”

Finally, Leslie Buttermounds was allowed to ask her question. “Mr. President, I have been studying history. The Carter administration had a deep recession back in the late 70's. There were gas shortages, high unemployment, and the Iranian Hostage Crisis just to name a few problems. Who would you say was to blame then, and how would you have fixed it?”

The President looked at his teleprompter and replied, “The Bush Policies created a Reverse Time Warp Effect, or a RTWE, that caused the recession, the gas shortages and the Iranian Hostage Crisis. Had I been there, I would have negotiated with the hostage takers, and freed the hostages within a day. Ronald Reagan took credit for something that I would have done had I been president back then.”

Bisbee Hollings stood, his overalls greasy and soiled from years of hard Tobacco-flavored cumquat farming, and asked, “Back when I was a boy, we had the Great Depression. Now I was a yungin' back then, but I remember how hard times were. What's happening today ain't shit compared to back then!”

The president smiled, consulted his teleprompter and replied, “When the Great Depression was in full force, George Bush never turned a hand to try to fix it. I used my Way Back Time Machine and fixed the economy, saving or creating countless millions of jobs!”

Bur Mr. Hollings wasn't done. “Then what about the Civil War?”

“Again,” the President began, “George Bush allowed that to take place, and we all know how things turned out. Had I been president back then, I would have done what was necessary to end the war. I would have told the generals to withdraw all of their troops in eleven months and let them solve their own problems!”

As the pro-Obama crowd cheered, another Buzzardbait resident asked, “When Rome was burning, where were you?”

The president replied, “As you know, it was the failed Bush tax policies that led to the downfall of the Roman Empire. I am trying my best to implement a new world order to make sure that we all live under the same laws, the same taxes, and that you people can live your lives without having to worry about little things like freedom and the ability to live past 60.”

Yet another Buzzardbait resident asked, “When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and the serpent tempted Eve with the apple, did that cause the world's problems?”

The president looked at his teleprompter and said in a strong, commanding voice, “Uh, well, George Bush relied too much on tax cuts, and got us into the mess we are in today. Seeing how I could have been able to show Adam and Eve that Universal Health Care could have saved them from being without insurance when one of them needed to go to the hospital, then you could say that George Bush misled them like he did with the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan.”

Before anyone else could ask a question, the president waved to the zombie-like Acorn and SEIU members and walked off stage.

Minutes later, as the motorcade left, along with the cheering SEIU and Acorn folks, the small crowd of Buzzardbait locals gathered around and shrugged. When asked what he thought of the president's speech, Bisbee Hollings simplified the entire thing. He said, “I hope when the next president gets into office that they blame Obama for everything. I bet those liberals won't like that one derned bit!”

Leslie Buttermounds added, "Maybe Sarah Palin might be the next president? She's got more brains in her little finger that that Obama guy has in his swollen head!"

The Curious Urinal Aug. 31, 2010

Scientists Warn: Time to Abandon Earth

It's time to abandon Earth, warns the world's most famous theoretical physicist. In an interview, Stephen Hawking warned that the long-term future of the planet is in outer space.

But local science teacher, Dr. Wilber Fizzlepop, suggests that is may already be too late. Speaking to a group of angry parents at the Buzzardbait School Board meeting last night, Dr. Fizzlepop said that in order to leave the earth, radical changes would first have to take place.
“First we need to develop large spaceships with warp drives to haul thousands of people away from the planet and out to the furthest reaches of the galaxy. Then we need ray guns to shoot any aliens that may be living on those planets and take over!”

The angry mob began laughing when Dr. Fizzlepop began describing how he had been secretly building a time machine in his basement and would soon leave for the future, steal their technology and return to this time to begin the process of building these huge ships.

School Board Director, Erma Witherdither, had the teacher removed and placed into the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center for observation.

No word as to when he plans on traveling into the future.

School Children Told National Anthem is Verboten
Recently, a group of high school students attending a conservative leadership conference in Washington, D.C. said they were ordered by a security guard to stop singing the national anthem during a visit to the Lincoln Memorial.

“They told them to stop singing,” a spokesman for the Young America’s Foundation said. “I was taken aback. You wouldn’t expect a display of national patriotism to be censored."

U.S. Park Police confirmed that the students were in violation of federal law and their impromptu performance constituted a demonstration in an area that must remain “completely content neutral.”

But just a few feet away, several socialists protestors were singing anti-American songs, burning an American Flag and denouncing America as a country that must die. The U.S. Park Police ignored them, siting freedom of speech as their reason.

Cat Soup, Anyone?

BUFFALO, N.Y. -- Police say a traffic stop led to animal cruelty charges after they found a live cat "marinating" in oil and peppers in the trunk of a car.
Buffalo police say officers heard the cat meowing when they stopped 51-year-old Gary Korkuc of Cheektowaga to ticket him for running a stop sign Sunday night.
They say they checked the trunk and found 4-year-old Navarro in a cage, his fur covered with oil, crushed red peppers and chili peppers.

Police say Korkuc told them he did it because Navarro was ill-tempered. Korkuc was charged with cruelty and released; his phone number isn't listed.
Police say he told them he was going to cook Navarro. But they say Korkuc also complained that the neutered male cat got pregnant after he was spayed.
Animal advocates have cleaned Navarro and put him up for adoption.

McTantrum?

TOLEDO, Ohio
A security video from a McDonald's in Ohio shows a woman punching two restaurant employees and smashing a drive-thru window because she couldn't get Chicken McNuggets.

The tantrum caught on tape in Toledo earlier this year shows the customer reaching through the drive-thru window, slugging one worker and then another. She then grabs a bottle out of her car and tosses it through the glass window before speeding off.
It happened early on New Year's Day. Police say Melodi Dushane was angry that McNuggets weren't being served, because it was breakfast time.

Dushane says she was drunk at the time. She was sentenced to 60 days in jail last month and ordered to pay McDonald's for the broken window.

The Curious Urinal – Monday Aug. 30, 2010

Microbes Eating Gulf Oil?

WASHINGTON - A newly discovered oil-eating microbe is flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. Scientists discovered the new microbe while studying the underwater dispersion of millions of gallons of oil spilled into the Gulf following the explosion of BP's Deepwater Horizon drilling rig.

“The microbe is eating the oil without significantly depleting oxygen in the water.” Says Larry Leaky, a researcher for the Save the Gulf Foundation. He also added, “Now if we could find a microbe that would eat liberals without barfing, then we’d really have something wonderful!”

Boehner says: Fire the WH Economic Team!

President Obama should ask for and accept the resignations of Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, National Economic Council chief Larry Summers and the rest of his economics team, House Minority Leader John Boehner said last Tuesday.

And in a related item, the vast majority of Americans wish for Obama and the entire administration to resign, and be replaced by Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hanity and Glenn Beck.

Rangel to Obama: FU!

Rep. Charlie Rangel suggested last Monday that he's not going to take any lessons on dignity from young whippersnappers like President Obama.
The New York Democrat, currently embroiled in an ongoing ethics investigation, lashed out at the president, saying that Obama, 49, is too young to judge him on such matters.

"Frankly, he has not been around long enough to determine what my dignity is," Rangel was quoted saying by The New York Times.

But an anonymous spokesperson for the Truth in Government Society said, “Hey Charlie, you have to have dignity before someone can actually make a determination on it.”

Say it ain’t so, Bozo

Prior to his death in 2008, Larry "Bozo" Harmon penned the recently released memoir "The Man Behind the Nose,” about his adventures. Harmon, who was a professional clown, ran for President, bonded with dangerous cannibal tribes in New Guinea, and was saved from being swallowed whole by a murderous python in Thailand by his 83 AAA shoes according to his autobiography.

But now Harmon’s second (of four) wife, Sandra Harmon, the author of two relationship books and “Elvis & Me” with Priscilla Presley, is biting back with claims that the crazy tales are a result of him being a “pathological liar.”

Sandra Harmon is writing her own book entitled “Sleeping with Bozo and Other Clowns” to expose dirty details of her marriage to Larry, who she alleges was unfaithful. According to her, Bozo slept with anyone and everyone, and enjoyed doing so while in make-up.

This just in: Tiger Woods has denied sleeping with Bozo, although he did say that he enjoyed a healthy relationship with the clown.

And People in L.A. Thought the Traffic Was Bad There

BEIJING — A massive traffic jam in north China now stretches for dozens of miles and has lasted over 10-day mark as of last Tuesday. It all started when China began road construction in Beijing that won't be finished until the middle of next month, an official said, not wanting her name released in fear of death by the Communist-run nation.

The bumper-to-bumper gridlock, which spans over 60 miles, with cars moving little more than a half-mile a day at one point has improved since this past weekend. But then she said she wasn't sure when the situation along the Beijing-Zhangjiakou highway would return to normal.
History of the worst traffic jam in history: The traffic jam started Aug. 14 on a stretch of the Beijing-Zhangjiakou highway. That section has frequently been congested, especially after large coalfields were discovered in Inner Mongolia. Traffic volume has increased 40 percent every year.

Drivers stranded in the gridlock in the Inner Mongolia region and Hebei province, headed toward Beijing, passed the time sleeping, walking around, or playing cards and chess. Local villagers were doing brisk business selling instant noodles, boxed lunches and snacks, weaving between the parked trucks on bicycles.

Also, a chain of motels and several restaurants have opened along that stretch of highway. And three Walmart Superstores have been built to accommodate the needs of those stranded on the highway.

A spokesperson from the China Peoples Highway Department (who wished to remain anonymous due to fears for her life) stated, “Since we export more crap to the rest of the world than anyone, we figured we might wish to make a few extra yen selling the crap to our own people.”

The Curious Urinal Interview -

Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama.

We here at the Curious Urinal try to bring you the best interviews with some of Hollywood’s hottest stars, controversial figures or political leaders. And today is no exception. The Curious Urinal was granted a special interview with the current and two former presidents. The following is the result of a hard-fought process to speak with the three gentlemen at once.

CU: Thank you all for agreeing to take a few minutes to talk with us.

WJC: My pleasure.

BHO: Any time.

GWB: Always good to speak to the press.

CU: Let’s cut to the chase. Mr. President, you are pushing for more and more government control over the lives of all Americans. The question is why?

BHO: I assume you are talking to me?

CU: Yes.

BHO: Uh, well, er, I wasn’t prepared to , uh, answer any questions pertaining to, uh, policy.

CU: But you can at least tell us what your agenda is pertaining to spending trillions of dollars, which has many economist baffled, by the way, to stimulate the economy?

BHO: Bill, you want to answer this one?

WJC: Sorry, you’re on your own.

BHO: Uh, well, you see, uh, it’s like, uh, I've been busy cleaning up the mess left by the previous administration...

GWB: There you go again. How many times are you going to blame me for what the democrats have been doing since 2006? And what you're doing now?

BHO: George, I believe the question was directed toward me.

CU: Well, anyone who would like to answer for you, Mr. President, would be fine.

BHO: Bill?

WJC: (Phone ringing) Sorry, Hilary is calling. (He answers the phone)

GWB: Come on, Barack. Answer the man’s question.

BHO: I’ll have to get back to you on, uh, that particular item. I’ll, have Rahm send you, uh, some propaganda... I, uh, I mean information.

WJC: (hanging up the phone) Uh oh!

CU: What’s wrong, Mr. Clinton?

WJC: Hilary just found my collection of Hustler Magazines hidden in my sock drawer. She’s pissed!

GWB: I’ve seen her pissed. It’s not a pretty sight!

WJC: Even when she’s not pissed, it’s not a pretty sight!

(laughter)

CU: Okay, getting back to my original question. President Obama, can you tell our readers why you feel it necessary to continue spending taxpayers dollars on stimulus packages, over-bloated healthcare bills and bailouts when people are simply looking to find gainful employment?

BHO: I wasn’t aware of economic questions, er, being, uh, brought up. I’ll defer to Bill.

WJC: You know, I call Hilary my anti-gravity wife.

GWB: Why’s that?

WJC: Because she’s always up in the air about something!

(laughter)

CU: Gentlemen, if we could continue with the interview.

(laughter between the presidents continues)

GWB: You know, I kept America safe after 9/11. Old Barry here can’t keep Charlie Rangel out of trouble, much less stop terrorists from entering the country.

BHO: I take, uh, offense, uh, to that!

GWB: Why are you stumbling over your words?

WJC: Because there’s no teleprompter handy for him to read.

(laughter between Clinton and Bush)

CU: Gentlemen, I have to ask about mistakes made during your administrations. What do you think was your biggest mistake?

GWB: Not getting Bin Laden!

WJC: Monica. But damn it was good!

BHO: So far, I have been too busy trying to clean up the mess left by the previous administration to make any mistakes!

GWB: You know, if you weren’t the president, I’d pop you one right on the nose for that.

WJC: Hell, Barack, you’ve spent over four times the money in a year and a half than what George did in eight years.

BHO: Uh, I, er, had to, uh...

GWB: Clean up my mess! Yes, I think everyone has heard that song and dance routine before!

WJC: (phone ringing) I have to take this. I’ll be right back.

CU: So, gentlemen, next question: When you sum up your experience as Commander in Chief, how did, or do you think you have done?

GWB: I think I instilled pride in the military. Having had some experience in the military helped me to do so.

BHO: Come on, you were in the National Guard. Your military experience means nothing.

GWB: At least I served in something besides the Socialist Party and Acorn!

BHO: And you can’t even say nuclear, much less have the intelligence to deal with nuclear treaties and dealing with rogue nations like Iran and North Korea.

GWB: If your party hadn’t blocked me at every turn, I could have dealt with that. And speaking of not being able to pronounce words, Mr. Smartypants, what the hell is Epantsapation?

WJC: Sorry, that call was important. I know what Epantsapation is! The inability to remove your pants while on the internet. Hilary saw to that!

(laughter between the presidents)

CU: Seriously, gentlemen, The country is in turmoil and needs direction. Who’s leadership would be better at this moment?

BHO: Mine!

WJC: Mine!

GWB: The two of you together couldn’t run a whore house on a slow night!

WJC: I think I might be able keep em busy!

(laughter between Bush and Clinton)

BHO: I have been dealing with the mess left from...

WJC and GWB: The previous administration!

GWB: You sound like a broken record!

WJC: I balanced the budget, So my leadership would straighten out the current mess!

GWB: You borrowed money from Social Security and fudged the books. I saw the budget, remember?

BHO: And you spent money on two wars and cut taxes for the rich!

GWB: And everything was going just fine till Nancy and the gang took over in 2006. Then all hell broke loose!

CU: Could we have a civilized discussion here?

BHO: Look, uh, I have a tee time to get to. I’ll have someone send you a picture of me and that should suffice.

WJC: And I just got a call from an old friend who wants to have some fun this afternoon. I have to go.

GWB: Well, I suppose I need to go too. I have a meeting with Jeb about maybe continuing the Bush Dynasty in 2012.

CU: So this is it? I get 5 minutes and not one straight answer?

WJC: We’re politicians. We don’t give straight answers!

BHO: Good answer!

GWB: Yeah, what they said!

A personal note: When the interview ended, I went to the bar and had a few drinks and several aspirin. My head was killing me!

My summer vacation to Boston (Or - How to survive your summer vacation without the need to shoot anyone).

Wednesday, August 11th: The first day of vacation was beautiful. It was in the 90's and muggy. How muggy was it? Well, I'm glad you asked. It was so muggy that the flies decided to forgo flying for swimming.

Louisville: We started out by loading the car and heading out to get lunch. But when we arrived at the restaurant, my lady-friend (my friend-girl in homiespeak) informed me that she had forgotten the maps to our destination, Boston, MA, and her favorite lipstick. Twenty-three miles later, we were back at her house, retrieving said items. The neighbors had all placed bets and money was being traded up and down the street. Only three came out ahead in the betting. Had I been informed that there were odds laid on the return trip, I would have put down a $20 on the return trip betting.

Back on the road again, we drove down I-64 and through scenic Eastern Kentucky. The best part of the trip was when we left Kentucky for West Virginia. And that was not much of an improvement. While driving in the mountains heading toward Maryland, we ran into a wee bit of rain... Who am I kidding? It rained like pouring piss out of a boot. It was monsoon season in West Virginia as the torrential downpours lasted pretty much until we reached Maryland.

We were 2 hours behind already because of the rain, and it was getting late, so we stopped in the lovely little burg of La Vale, MD. A nice, homey place, run by two spinster sisters and a few Arabs that owned the hotel, the 7/11 and the gas station. They took as much money from us as they could before allowing us to depart the next day.

The next stage of the trip involved traveling through the rest of Maryland, laughing at the names of some of the mountains. Two stood out as politically incorrect. One was Polish Mountain, and the other was Negro Mountain. I bet the NAACP will be looking into that name!

Anyway, we traveled onward. We drove thru Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York and Connecticut. Let me say to the wonderful drivers of each state: YOU SUCK! You drive like rabid Yaks in heat. Your road skills are the equivalent of someone in a demolition derby (And I thought driving thru Atlanta was bad). I had the distinct privilege of driving with at least three million would-be Nascar Drivers. Geez, Where do you people learn to drive? Thank God I made it through that ordeal without having a freaking coronary.

And a small bit of thanks (a big shout-out) to the Garmin people who put out the new Nuvi GPS thingie. Aside from taking directions from a squirrel with a walnut fixation, and getting us LOST twice (we visited an airport in New Jersey[the big one I cannot think of the name of right now], and then ended up driving thru the city streets of the Bronx and onward into Connecticut on some parking lot, uh, I mean parkway. That threw us 2 hours behind getting to Boston, thanks to the rabid freaking Squirrel... (Ah Nuts!). Other than that, the Garmin Nuvi worked just fine.

Finally we made it to Boston. The nearly thousand mile trip ended with a very nice room at the Hyatt in Cambridge. The room had a balcony overlooking the Charles River. It was a beautiful view of Downtown Boston at night. It makes Louisville look like Hooterville... And it really is! Thus ends day two.

Day three: My lady friend, Susie, and I started our day at the hotels restaurant. The breakfast buffet was great, especially since all 1,000 guests choose the same exact time to eat as we did. The pickings was slim though as I gnawed on a rubber biscuit with some orange juice.

Afterwards, we spent the day doing the tourist thing. We took the hotel shuttle to some park, where we were unceremoniously booted out and left to fend for ourselves in the big city. We walked across one of the many bridges spanning the Charles River and ended up in Boston Commons Park. From there, we choose to walk the Freedom Trail without the tour guide hustling us along (we're walking, we're walking).

We walked along the red brick trail (some red stripes too) and saw Boston on our own terms. We visited The Old North Church. Walking inside, we both felt as if we were standing in the middle of history. That was where the midnight ride of Paul Revere began. Two lanterns were secretly hauled up to the steeple and the ride began. That was the birthplace of the Tea Party and the American Revolution. God, I was inspired!

After leaving the church, we walked along the path until we ended up at Bunker Hill. The 221 foot monument built there was a surprise. I was very impressed by the view as well. I could imaging what all transpired there and felt that odd twinge of history again in my heart.

From there, we ventured onward to the USS Constitution. Actually getting to step aboard the ship was fantastic. Touching the ship made it seem even more real. Tactile sensation is a wonderful thing.

Finally, after 4 hours of walking, we began the return trip. We had dinner reservations at 6:30 p.m. - and it was 4:30 then. Susie located a cab and we both hopped in and were back to the hotel in a half hour (as opposed to another 2 hours of fast walking).

Dinner was formal. We were dressed to the nines; she was dressed in a very chic black dress with a gray jacket. I was dressed in my basic black and blue, with a purple tie. we were fashion plates! Dinner was a bit of a let-down though, as I ordered scallops and got 6 and some cheesy rice and some green looking stalks of some steamed weed. I really could have gone for McDonalds afterwards, but opted not to. That would have meant another cab ride into the city and a Big Mac is not worth that!

Saturday rolled around and we again went to breakfast. We ended up eating at the bar, as there were no tables available. Note to the Hyatt: MORE TABLES! We actually got to eat some real food too. Pancakes, eggs and fruit. It was delicious.

After breakfast, we walked along the shore of the Charles river, dodging manic bikers and joggers. It was like trying to dodge bullets for some time, but finally they thinned out. It might have been the scowl on my face, or the handful of rocks I was tossing at them that caused them to disappear. I'm not sure which.

We went back to the room, thinking that housekeeping would have already visited and cleaned the room. Nope. They had yet to begin. So we went back downstairs and sat outside of the hotel for almost three hours. Thank God it was nice outside. It was barely 80 and we were in the shade. So we took the elevator back up to the eighth floor and discovered that the room was still unvisited by the crack cleaning staff. Susie made a call to the front desk to ask when they were, in fact, going to clean the room. We had been out of the room for 5 hours and it wasn't like they were far away and short-handed. The cleaning cart had been parked in the same spot all morning and into the afternoon.

A few minutes later, some nice Hispanic lady knocked on the door and asked when we would like our room cleaned. We weren't going to vacate the room at that point and she said that they could clean it later in the day while we were at the concert. Great... then she said that we both could have a complementary kiss at her ass in Spanish and smiled while doing so. We shut the door and began getting ready for the show. Aerosmith and J. Geils were awaiting our arrival at Fenway Park. We took a cab to the ball park and stood there with about 30,000 other invitees for about a half hour before they opened the gates and began scanning the tickets. Soon we were up in the nosebleed section of the ball park, sitting near the Green Monster.

At around 6:30, some band that won a contest got to open the show. I never caught the name of the band, but they seemed to be a throwback to some 1960's lounge act. They were pretty good, but it got me to wondering... This was a rock concert. If this band was the winner, how bad were the rock bands that entered the contest? They all must have sucked big time!

Finally after 4 songs, the lounge act left the stage and the roadies set up for The J. Geils Band. They rocked! They played all of their hits, but one. They didn't do the old blues tune Boom Boom (Out Goes The Lights). I had really hoped that would have been on their playlist. Other than that, those old men simply rocked Fenway Park.

I had an uncle that spoke about Big Band music as opposed to Rock and Roll. He called it the "Men with the music and the boys with the noise!" Well, the old men of Rock n Roll proved to be the Men with the Music that night. The J. Geils Band proved that and so did Areosmith when they took the stage. I was amazed. The stage show itself was impressive, but the music was even more so.

Now, just to let you know - I had seen Aerosmith three times prior to that night. In the 70's and early 80's. They sucked in concert back then. I assumed that they were high or drunk (or both) and the sound systems back in the day were not as good as they are now as well. They were loud, out of time, and either didn't know, or care. But that was then. This show, they were the masters! They played three plus decades of hits and never let up. They sounded awesome! It was a great show, and well worth the trip to Boston just to see them!

Sunday: Check-out day. After another rushed breakfast at the bar (Ahem, Hyatt, not enough tables and not enough time to eat), we quickly packed our suitcases and hauls buns out of Boston. It was 11 a.m when we hit the road. The Garmin Nuvi got us lost once more. And in a rest stop of all places. We ended up taking four tours of the same rest area before the Nuvi righted itself and allowed us the right way back onto the highway. We drove like crazy to get back to Maryland to the nice motel, but traffic, the Rabid squirrel and more road construction caused us to be set back almost 2 hours again. We ended up in Sheppensburg, PA. I think that was the name of the town. I can tell you that it was a podunk, hole-in-the-wall town. It had two motels and a convenience store. That was pretty much it.

The Roadway Inn was our choice of destinations that night. It looked okay from the outside, but upon entering, the roaches and flies were already occupying the room. We left as soon as the nice woman (Hindu of Muslim?) cursed at Susie in her native tongue. We ended up at a Best Western. The room was clean, but the beds were not conducive to sleeping without feeling the springs jutting into ones ribcage. But we were both too tired to venture onward and sucked it up.

Monday: Leaving Pennsylvania, we entered Maryland then a couple of hours later we were in West Virginia. Road construction set us back another 2 hours, but at least it wasn't raining this time. The sun was peeking thru the clouds and it made for a very pleasant trip. Entering Kentucky, we met with even more road construction in several spots. Note to Kentucky Road Commissioner... Do one side of the road at a time, not both sides where you cut three lanes into one for 40 miles at a time. Use your heads... Wait, we are talking about Kentucky here. No one in government used their heads for much.

Now: I'm finally home. I'm unpacked and sitting in my underwear, typing the adventure into a few paragraphs. To detail everything would have taken too long, and would have probably been boring as hell to read. But the trip wasn't boring, and the company was good. It was a great trip, and for those of you who have never been to Boston, I recommend that you go visit. It's a great city, and there is a lot of history to be discovered there. Americans take for granted the freedoms we have. The founding fathers didn't take anything for granted. They fought with their fortunes, their lives and their sacred honor to insure that America was free.

Let's not allow anyone to ever take those freedoms away from us! They were purchased with precious blood!

And finally, a note to Boston: Thank you for not pressing charges for two conservatives to enter such a liberal bastion. We had a great time in your fair city. And we left it the way we found it... Aside for a few rocks being lobbed at passing bike riders and joggers, that is.

Breaking News:
Darth Vader embraces the Dark Side of the Force by robbing a bank.
On July 22nd, A man dressed as the Star Wars villain entered a bank and took an undisclosed amount of money. He wielded a handgun instead of a lightsaber. I suppose times are tough, even for the Dark Lord of the Sith.
Note to George Lucas: More Star Wars Films! Put Darth Vader back to work!

Friday 7/23/2010

The Curious Urinal Interview - Milo Days

Today, we speak with Milo Days... The Best Bluesman in the Business! So, when we learned that we were fortunate enough to land this interview with one of America's busiest Bluesmen, we did our homework.

MD: Welcome to my humble abode.

CU: Thanks. This palace is wonderful!

MD: I call it the old country dump!

CU: 30,000 square foot of country dump, I’d say!

MD: Yeah, man, but I had to build a place big enough for my studio, and to put up all my gold records!

CU: Speaking of which, what’s happening with your career, Mr. Days?

MD: Call me Milo, man. I don’t do that Mister stuff. That’s so passe.

CU: Okay, Milo. So what’s the latest?

MD: Well, I’m working on my latest CD. It's gonna be called: Milo Days, The Blues Done Got A Hold On Me! I’ve been working my fingers to da bone all over that guitar. And man, I've been diggin’ it!

CU: Milo, your fans are very loyal to you. They sell out every venue you play. They buy every CD you put out. How can you keep being fresh in today’s music market and still be true to the fans?

MD: First of all, the fans are what I live for... Well, that and some Dingleberry Wine.

CU: But to remain relevant in the world of Hip Hop and Rap, Rock and Country, you somehow manage to make the Blues sound more appealing to the masses.

MD: Man, that ain’t no problem. Lots of folks are singing the blues lately! With the way things are today, most everybody is livin' the blues! And I know the blues, baby! I grew up on the mean streets of Buzzardbait. I have lived the blues!”

CU: But your parents were both professionals, if I’ve done my homework correctly. Your father was the first black dentist in Buzzardbait, and retired a wealthy man. Your mother was one of three of the founders of Kentucky Fricasseed Chicken here in Buzzardbait. She later sold her interests to some New York investment firm for millions of dollars. You went to the Buzzardbait School for the Well-To-Do, and graduated at the top of your class. You attended college at Yale and didn’t take up being a musician until after you retired from the Findem, Suem and Skrewem Law Firm.

MD: Man, did you dig up my arrest record, too?

CU: Actually, you have never served time in jail, and as far as we could find out, never did anything that was considered illegal, immoral or remotely related to living the Blues Lifestyle.

MD: Are you trying to ruin my career? Look, I am trying to earn a livin’ here! Stop telling everyone about my past, okay? Yeah, I did my time in corporate America. I paid my taxes and lived a damned good life. But the Blues got a hold of me and changed me from what I was into what I am today!

CU: Fair enough.

MD: Damn, you ain’t right; trying to mess up a good thing for me!

CU: Now, you do a lot of promotions for Dingleberry Wine. We checked the records and found that you made nearly a half-million last year for your commercials and other endorsements for the local winery.

MD: Yeah, so?

CU: Isn’t that like living the anti-blues lifestyle?

MD: Look, here’s the deal. I drink the wine and they pay me for my services and promote my CD’s and concerts heavily. Now, you got a problem with makin’ some dough?

CU: Not in the least. What I’m trying to get at is that...

MD: Look, man... I ain’t got no reason not to make money. It’s what America is all about! When some respectable person makes money, it’s called business. When a musician makes it, it’s called making a damned living! And I make a damned good livin’!

CU: Yes you do. Last year was a banner year for you. Your four releases sold nearly ten million CD’s last year. You get $5 a pop from the sales of your CD’s. That’s nearly fifty-million dollars!

MD: And rightly so, man! I earned my livin’! I play my ass off nearly every night somewhere across this great land of ours! Don’t think for a minute I haven’t earned every last dime of that. Now if I could just keep what I earned. The damned government wants to keep on takin' and takin' and handing it out to the banks, the car companies and a bunch of welfare cheats! I say screw em! Let em get out there and get a real job!
I earn my money, and I wanna keep it! You got a problem with that?

CU: I’m not saying that. I’m saying...

MD: Look, man... I have spent my career trying to be the very best bluesman on the planet. I've record more CD's than that damned BB King ever thought of doin’! Old John Lee Hooker never did half of what I do! And don’t even get me started of the damned Blues Brothers... Although they did give me the idea of making music instead of representing gutter scum, morons and thieves in court!

CU: You represented politicians in court?

MD: Yeah, man. Some of them needed to go to jail and stay there too! Old Charlie Rangel's done enough to serve life several times over. And he's just one of many that needs to see the inside of a jail cell and live the blues, iff'n you know what I mean? Maybe be some hoss' prison bitch. Oh, they'll be singing the blues in no time! But to answer your question, yeah! And that's what I like about the blues. I can play my music and not have to deal with those lowlifes!

CU: So, in other words, you have enjoyed your career?

MD: Damn skippy, I have!

CU: I hate to ask this, but what are your political views?

MD: I am an non-political kinda guy, man. Politics are for those that can’t hold down a steady gig, iff'n you know what I mean?

CU: Would you call yourself a Democrat, Republican or Independent?

MD: Are you asking me who I voted for in the last election?

CU: Well, not in so many words, but yes!

MD: Between you and me, I didn’t like either guy running. The old dude is a waffler and the other dude is a commie-loving... Well, you catch my drift!

CU: So you didn’t vote for anyone?

MD: I voted for the chick, baby!

CU: Hillary?

MD: Not that skank, man! The good looking one from up north!

CU: Sarah Palin from Alaska?

MD: Yeah, man! She’s the kinda woman I could be hanging out with and drinkin’ some wine and... Well, you know how that goes?

CU: But she’s married.

MD: So?

CU: Uh, never mind!

MD: Look here, man, I live the blues, baby! And there ain’t nothing that says the blues more than shaggin’ some married woman and making her man cry the blues!

CU: Or hunting you down and shooting you with a moose rifle!

MD: Well, there’s that, yeah!

CU: Well, thanks for sitting down with us today, Milo. Our readers will appreciate the open and honest story of your life.

MD: My pleasure. (Checking his watch) Damn, it’s time to go record. I better make a liquor store run before though. I’m running low on Dingleberry Wine!

CU: Need a ride?

MD: Nah, man. I got my limo driver for that!

He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it usually is snuck into the hospital he happens to be recovering in.

Tres Equis - Stay thirsty... And away from the bulls, my friends!

Thursday 7/22/2010

Author Arrested Over Book.

SINGAPORE (AP) — This past Monday, Singaporean police said they arrested a British author as part of a criminal defamation investigation. The investigation was related to a book the author had written on the city-state's death penalty policy.

The author, Alan Shadrake, who is 75, was in Singapore, promoting his book, Once a Jolly Hangman: Singapore Justice in the Dock. Police arrested Shadrake based on a complaint by the government's Media Development Authority. They are also investigating him for other offenses. They declined to give any further details.

But one of the known charges the Singapore Attorney-General's office is seeking is a contempt of court charges. “Because statements in the book allegedly impugn the impartiality, integrity and independence of the judiciary.” A spokeswoman said. She spoke anonymously in fear for her life.

The contempt of court charges will be heard by judge Imgona Hangya at the country's High Court on July 30.

Singapore's leaders have sued journalists and political opponents several times in past years for alleged defamation. The government says restrictions on speech and assembly are necessary to preserve economic prosperity and racial and religious harmony in the multi-ethnic city-state of 5 million people. It says any statement that damages the reputations of its leaders will hinder their ability to rule effectively.

Currently the White House is looking into the matter to see if such rules could make life better for the liberals in America.

“By stifling all free speech and freedom of assembly, we could stop those pesky Tea Party people from demanding liberty and lower taxes. Then we could make sure that the president can become Emperor and rule the galaxy with the repressive iron fist of The Sith!” A White House spokeswoman said anonymously, in fear for her life.

Singapore applies capital punishment by hanging for offenses such as drug trafficking, unlawful use of a firearm, building treehouses or eating western-style foods.

The hangings are what inspired the drink, the Singapore Sling.


Investigation into Hours Before Oil Spill

Federal authorities are investigating the BP PLC's oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They are looking specifically at the bad decisions, missed warnings and worker disagreements in the hours before the April 20 inferno aboard the Deepwater Horizon. That blast spawned one of the worst environmental disasters in U.S. history.

Investigators are looking at one person in particular. He is a gnome that was seen hanging around the oil rig in the moments before the accident. “He was jumping up and down,” said Billy ‘Bubba’ Saifaux of Rusty Springs, Louisiana “I saw the little feller with the pointed hat just jumping up and down like something that didn’t have good sense. Then all of a sudden, his little pointed hat stuck into a pipe, causing a spark that caused the explosion.” He went on to say, “And then, the gnome disappeared. But I saw him last night in a commercial on TV. Someone ought to be looking into this!”