Breaking News:
Darth Vader embraces the Dark Side of the Force by robbing a bank.
On July 22nd, A man dressed as the Star Wars villain entered a bank and took an undisclosed amount of money. He wielded a handgun instead of a lightsaber. I suppose times are tough, even for the Dark Lord of the Sith.
Note to George Lucas: More Star Wars Films! Put Darth Vader back to work!

Friday 7/23/2010

The Curious Urinal Interview - Milo Days

Today, we speak with Milo Days... The Best Bluesman in the Business! So, when we learned that we were fortunate enough to land this interview with one of America's busiest Bluesmen, we did our homework.

MD: Welcome to my humble abode.

CU: Thanks. This palace is wonderful!

MD: I call it the old country dump!

CU: 30,000 square foot of country dump, I’d say!

MD: Yeah, man, but I had to build a place big enough for my studio, and to put up all my gold records!

CU: Speaking of which, what’s happening with your career, Mr. Days?

MD: Call me Milo, man. I don’t do that Mister stuff. That’s so passe.

CU: Okay, Milo. So what’s the latest?

MD: Well, I’m working on my latest CD. It's gonna be called: Milo Days, The Blues Done Got A Hold On Me! I’ve been working my fingers to da bone all over that guitar. And man, I've been diggin’ it!

CU: Milo, your fans are very loyal to you. They sell out every venue you play. They buy every CD you put out. How can you keep being fresh in today’s music market and still be true to the fans?

MD: First of all, the fans are what I live for... Well, that and some Dingleberry Wine.

CU: But to remain relevant in the world of Hip Hop and Rap, Rock and Country, you somehow manage to make the Blues sound more appealing to the masses.

MD: Man, that ain’t no problem. Lots of folks are singing the blues lately! With the way things are today, most everybody is livin' the blues! And I know the blues, baby! I grew up on the mean streets of Buzzardbait. I have lived the blues!”

CU: But your parents were both professionals, if I’ve done my homework correctly. Your father was the first black dentist in Buzzardbait, and retired a wealthy man. Your mother was one of three of the founders of Kentucky Fricasseed Chicken here in Buzzardbait. She later sold her interests to some New York investment firm for millions of dollars. You went to the Buzzardbait School for the Well-To-Do, and graduated at the top of your class. You attended college at Yale and didn’t take up being a musician until after you retired from the Findem, Suem and Skrewem Law Firm.

MD: Man, did you dig up my arrest record, too?

CU: Actually, you have never served time in jail, and as far as we could find out, never did anything that was considered illegal, immoral or remotely related to living the Blues Lifestyle.

MD: Are you trying to ruin my career? Look, I am trying to earn a livin’ here! Stop telling everyone about my past, okay? Yeah, I did my time in corporate America. I paid my taxes and lived a damned good life. But the Blues got a hold of me and changed me from what I was into what I am today!

CU: Fair enough.

MD: Damn, you ain’t right; trying to mess up a good thing for me!

CU: Now, you do a lot of promotions for Dingleberry Wine. We checked the records and found that you made nearly a half-million last year for your commercials and other endorsements for the local winery.

MD: Yeah, so?

CU: Isn’t that like living the anti-blues lifestyle?

MD: Look, here’s the deal. I drink the wine and they pay me for my services and promote my CD’s and concerts heavily. Now, you got a problem with makin’ some dough?

CU: Not in the least. What I’m trying to get at is that...

MD: Look, man... I ain’t got no reason not to make money. It’s what America is all about! When some respectable person makes money, it’s called business. When a musician makes it, it’s called making a damned living! And I make a damned good livin’!

CU: Yes you do. Last year was a banner year for you. Your four releases sold nearly ten million CD’s last year. You get $5 a pop from the sales of your CD’s. That’s nearly fifty-million dollars!

MD: And rightly so, man! I earned my livin’! I play my ass off nearly every night somewhere across this great land of ours! Don’t think for a minute I haven’t earned every last dime of that. Now if I could just keep what I earned. The damned government wants to keep on takin' and takin' and handing it out to the banks, the car companies and a bunch of welfare cheats! I say screw em! Let em get out there and get a real job!
I earn my money, and I wanna keep it! You got a problem with that?

CU: I’m not saying that. I’m saying...

MD: Look, man... I have spent my career trying to be the very best bluesman on the planet. I've record more CD's than that damned BB King ever thought of doin’! Old John Lee Hooker never did half of what I do! And don’t even get me started of the damned Blues Brothers... Although they did give me the idea of making music instead of representing gutter scum, morons and thieves in court!

CU: You represented politicians in court?

MD: Yeah, man. Some of them needed to go to jail and stay there too! Old Charlie Rangel's done enough to serve life several times over. And he's just one of many that needs to see the inside of a jail cell and live the blues, iff'n you know what I mean? Maybe be some hoss' prison bitch. Oh, they'll be singing the blues in no time! But to answer your question, yeah! And that's what I like about the blues. I can play my music and not have to deal with those lowlifes!

CU: So, in other words, you have enjoyed your career?

MD: Damn skippy, I have!

CU: I hate to ask this, but what are your political views?

MD: I am an non-political kinda guy, man. Politics are for those that can’t hold down a steady gig, iff'n you know what I mean?

CU: Would you call yourself a Democrat, Republican or Independent?

MD: Are you asking me who I voted for in the last election?

CU: Well, not in so many words, but yes!

MD: Between you and me, I didn’t like either guy running. The old dude is a waffler and the other dude is a commie-loving... Well, you catch my drift!

CU: So you didn’t vote for anyone?

MD: I voted for the chick, baby!

CU: Hillary?

MD: Not that skank, man! The good looking one from up north!

CU: Sarah Palin from Alaska?

MD: Yeah, man! She’s the kinda woman I could be hanging out with and drinkin’ some wine and... Well, you know how that goes?

CU: But she’s married.

MD: So?

CU: Uh, never mind!

MD: Look here, man, I live the blues, baby! And there ain’t nothing that says the blues more than shaggin’ some married woman and making her man cry the blues!

CU: Or hunting you down and shooting you with a moose rifle!

MD: Well, there’s that, yeah!

CU: Well, thanks for sitting down with us today, Milo. Our readers will appreciate the open and honest story of your life.

MD: My pleasure. (Checking his watch) Damn, it’s time to go record. I better make a liquor store run before though. I’m running low on Dingleberry Wine!

CU: Need a ride?

MD: Nah, man. I got my limo driver for that!

He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it usually is snuck into the hospital he happens to be recovering in.

Tres Equis - Stay thirsty... And away from the bulls, my friends!

Thursday 7/22/2010

Author Arrested Over Book.

SINGAPORE (AP) — This past Monday, Singaporean police said they arrested a British author as part of a criminal defamation investigation. The investigation was related to a book the author had written on the city-state's death penalty policy.

The author, Alan Shadrake, who is 75, was in Singapore, promoting his book, Once a Jolly Hangman: Singapore Justice in the Dock. Police arrested Shadrake based on a complaint by the government's Media Development Authority. They are also investigating him for other offenses. They declined to give any further details.

But one of the known charges the Singapore Attorney-General's office is seeking is a contempt of court charges. “Because statements in the book allegedly impugn the impartiality, integrity and independence of the judiciary.” A spokeswoman said. She spoke anonymously in fear for her life.

The contempt of court charges will be heard by judge Imgona Hangya at the country's High Court on July 30.

Singapore's leaders have sued journalists and political opponents several times in past years for alleged defamation. The government says restrictions on speech and assembly are necessary to preserve economic prosperity and racial and religious harmony in the multi-ethnic city-state of 5 million people. It says any statement that damages the reputations of its leaders will hinder their ability to rule effectively.

Currently the White House is looking into the matter to see if such rules could make life better for the liberals in America.

“By stifling all free speech and freedom of assembly, we could stop those pesky Tea Party people from demanding liberty and lower taxes. Then we could make sure that the president can become Emperor and rule the galaxy with the repressive iron fist of The Sith!” A White House spokeswoman said anonymously, in fear for her life.

Singapore applies capital punishment by hanging for offenses such as drug trafficking, unlawful use of a firearm, building treehouses or eating western-style foods.

The hangings are what inspired the drink, the Singapore Sling.


Investigation into Hours Before Oil Spill

Federal authorities are investigating the BP PLC's oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They are looking specifically at the bad decisions, missed warnings and worker disagreements in the hours before the April 20 inferno aboard the Deepwater Horizon. That blast spawned one of the worst environmental disasters in U.S. history.

Investigators are looking at one person in particular. He is a gnome that was seen hanging around the oil rig in the moments before the accident. “He was jumping up and down,” said Billy ‘Bubba’ Saifaux of Rusty Springs, Louisiana “I saw the little feller with the pointed hat just jumping up and down like something that didn’t have good sense. Then all of a sudden, his little pointed hat stuck into a pipe, causing a spark that caused the explosion.” He went on to say, “And then, the gnome disappeared. But I saw him last night in a commercial on TV. Someone ought to be looking into this!”

Wednesday, 7/21/2010

Iran to File Complaint on Mosque Bombing

TEHRAN, Iran — On Sunday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran will file a complaint to international bodies over the deadly mosque bombing by an insurgent group he claims the U.S. supports.

The twin suicide bombings of a mosque in southeast Iran killed 28 people last Thursday night, in an attack claimed by the Jundallah insurgent group. This was in retaliation for the execution of its leader by Iranian authorities in June.

Ahmadinejad did not specify if the complaint would be specifically against the U.S., but he did tell state TV that America supported the bombings. "If Obama is not aware of actions by American forces, we tell him that American troops based in Afghanistan and Pakistan support these actions," he said about to the bombings.

He went on to say, “If we had bombed Israel - and we really, really want to, mind you - that would be okay! This just isn’t fair!” He then threw a tantrum, had some cookies and camel’s milk, then took a nap.


Earthquake in Alaska

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - A powerful earthquake has shaken an Aleutian Island area in Alaska but there is no threat of a tsunami.

The U.S. Geological Survey says the 6.7-magnitude quake struck at 9:56 p.m. Saturday and was centered in the Bering Sea about 110 miles northeast of Dutch Harbor or 930 miles west of Anchorage. The quake hit about 21 miles beneath the seabed.

Tina Fey, doing her impression of Sarah Palin, said, “I could feel it in my backyard!”


18th Century Ship Unearthed at WTC Site

NEW YORK, NY - Construction workers at the World Trade Center site in Manhattan have discovered the remains of a ship that had been buried back in the 18th century. The ships 32-foot-long hull is now being carefully taken out of the area.

Items found in the ship so far include a few gold coins, an anchor, and an old New York Times newspaper. The newspaper’s front page read: Democrats Blast Bush for Revolutionary War Spending!

Tuesday 7/20/2010

So-called Comedian’s Unfunny Joke

Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown slammed non-funny comedian Kathy Griffin for making a crude joke about his two daughters last week.

Griffin, star of “My Life on the D List” made the comments on the Bravo network Tuesday night. The segment features Griffin being shown a photograph of Brown by two CNN reporters. Griffin identifies Brown in the picture, saying, “Scott Brown, who is a senator from Massachusetts and has two daughters that are prostitutes.” The CNN reporters erupted in laughter at Griffin’s comment.

But Brown isn’t laughing. Instead, he is blasting Griffin and Bravo for the segment. “People can call me any name they want, but families are off limits!" He said in the statement made through spokesperson.. "Kathy Griffin and Bravo ought to be ashamed of themselves.”

At the end of the clip, Griffin runs a disclaimer “from Bravo’s legal team,” saying the girls are not, in fact, “prostitutes.”

Griffin also insults former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin in the segment, saying “Remember when the Republican’s tried to get that nutbag Sarah Palin to sound credible before the vice presidential debates? They had a board and ran flash cards to teach her the tough stuff, like there is both a North and South Korea. Well, that’s sort of like what they (the reporters from CNN) did for me.”

Ms. Griffin, the terminally unfunny comedian, can be seen in an upcoming Bravo Special, entitled: My Life as an Annoying Bitch!


Embarrassing iPhone calls bring complaints from customers

Just when you think technology can’t get any better, here comes the iPhone 4. The latest craze for the “Wired” generation. The apps alone are mind boggling. But there are a few small problems, even with the “Perfect Phone.”


If you touch it around the middle area (the metal ring built into the Phone) the signal is lessened; if you move it, you can drop calls and lose data streams. Apple is currently offering a bumper case to remedy the interference and save face.

But the kicker is that it can randomly call old girlfriends/boyfriends from your past without your knowledge.

“I know first hand what kind of embarrassment this can cause,” says Billy Hordogg of West Virginia. “I was driving down the road, just minding my own business, when all of a sudden my old high school girlfriend, Ivana Grabudinkie, was shouting at me for daring to call her after I had dumped her for some other tramp back in high school twenty years before.”

This is not uncommon.

Betty Beddwedder of Oregon said, “My iPhone 4 accidentally called The New Life Church and called them all sorts of hateful things, then started uploading images of me naked to the pastor. I was so embarrassed!”

A spokesperson with Apple, Connie Ewetospendmormonet, said that there have been but a few complaints, mostly with software issues. “We are currently rethinking how we, as a company, will be able to create a new app to fix these small problems and make millions in the process!”

But one over-the-road trucker, Willie Haulinarse, isn’t very happy. “My new iPhone 4 called my dispatcher, told him I never wanted to work for his company again, and now I’m stranded in the middle of South Dakota, surrounded by miles and miles of...” The call suddenly dropped.

Weight and Memory Loss Linked

If you are a middle-aged women who also happens to be overweight, then you might just have another reason to take off those excess pounds: The more a postmenopausal woman weighs, the worse her memory is, researchers have announced..

The negative impact on memory was more pronounced in "pear-shaped" women who carry excess weight around their hips, and less of a factor in "apple-shaped" women who carry it around their waists, the study also noted.

When asked about this, overweight women were of mixed feelings.

Wilma Largtush of Hooter Heights said, “You know, I really don’t care what the studies show, I am... What were we talking about again?”
Georgia Onmamind agreed. “Yeah, What she said!”

The two women later went to Greasy Louie’s House of Mostly Pancakes and had lunch.

Monday 7/19/2010

Is the NAACP or the New Black Panther Party Racists?

According to one minister, they are. “When they both become ‘Equal Opportunity Employers’ then we can say no!” Exclaims Reverend Rex Z. Terd, leader of the What’s So Wrong About Having Faith Church in Midget Falls, ND. Reverend Terd also said, “When they blast the Tea Party for being racists and bigots, and at the same time some of their member are calling for the black community to kill ‘krackers and their kracker babies,’ you know there is a double standard at work. So when The Congressional Black Caucus will allow Whites, Hispanics and Asians in their midst, and the NAACP and The Black Panthers allow Whites, Hispanics and Asians in their midst, then I’ll believe they are being non-racists!”
He continued by saying, “I have 254 members of a congregation who are of multi-ethnic backgrounds. We all believe in God! If the NAACP and the Black Panthers believe in God, then they should believe that no color is better than anyone other color! Everyone is equal in God’s eyes... Except the French! They just plain suck!”

Muslim Mother Free to Kill More of Her Children?

A Canadian judge's decision to free a devout Muslim mother convicted of strangling her 14-year-old daughter with a head scarf has prompted outrage. The judge gave the mother a suspended sentence. The Judge of The Court of Queen's Bench Justice passed his judgement last October, stunning a national victims rights' group based in Toronto.

"I really strongly disagree," said a spokesperson for the Canadian Crime Victims Foundation. "It sends a message to the rest of the community and the world that her daughter's life was valueless.”

The Muslim mother was acquitted in October of last year of second-degree murder and found her guilty of manslaughter in the death of her 14-year-old daughter. The judge placed her on three years probation along with several conditions, including taking grief counseling, depression and anger management classes, and not killing any of her other children for at least two years.

When asked what she planned on doing after being set free, she said, “I’m going to Disney World! There, I can kill other infidel children and ride Space Mountain!”

Children Nearly Arrested for Praying

A group of Christian students was ordered to stop praying outside the U.S. Supreme Court building on May 5 because a court police officer told them it was against the law.

The junior high school students were a part of the American History class at Wickenburg Christian Academy in Arizona. After taking pictures on the steps of the Supreme Court building, their teacher gathered them to a location near the side of the building, where after forming a circle they began to pray.

According to the report, a police officer interrupted the prayer and ordered the group to cease and desist. They were told to stop praying because they were violating the law and they had to take their prayer elsewhere, otherwise they would be arrested for being Anti-American Religious Nutbags and America didn’t need their kind anywhere in Washington!

“The Marshal of the Court will look into the alleged event. But I can assure you that the Court does not have a policy prohibiting prayer,” This according to a Supreme Court Spokesperson. “The officer must have confused law with his own political views on religion!”

Finally, the group of 15 students and seven adults left the Supreme Court and relocated to a sidewalk – where they continued their prayer. As they did so, a group of Atheists came up and beat the crap out of them.
The groups of praying students and teachers, beaten into unconsciousness, was quickly arrested for loitering and will be sentenced sometime next week.


Oil Spill Fix Looks Promising

NEW ORLEANS -- It only took 88 days, several millions of gallons of oil and the ruination of the gulf of Mexico for perhaps decades to come, but British Petroleum (BP) said its capped-off well appeared to be holding steady as of last Friday morning. Currently, there are two underwater robots scouring the sea floor looking for signs of new leaks.

Also, President Obama said BP's capping of the spill was "good news."

On a related note, BP is said to be considering opening the first ‘Open Water Oil Change Service Station’ in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Spokesperson Melika Oilybeach said then since there is so much oil in the gulf now, it would be very cost effect to build the new facility there, and could change the oil in millions of cars, trucks, vans SUV’s and fishing vessels that come by. Of course, in order to get to the ‘Open Water’ facility, folks would have to load upon a barge, spend the bulk of the day on the gulf to get to the facility, but that BP could offer coupons and specials to offset the inconvenience to their customers.

The Curious Urinal Interview: Mel Gibson.

In an exclusive interview with The Curious Urinal, Mel Gibson sits down with us to explain about his troubles with ex-girlfriend Oksasa Grigorieva.











Warning, some details of this interview are not intended for children under the age of 18!

CU: Thanks for sitting down with us today, Mr, Gibson.

MG: No problem. Always happy to speak to my fans.

CU: Let's get straight to it. Pertaining to your recent problems with you ex-girlfriend, you have been recorded saying some rather hateful things. At one point calling Ms. Grigorieva a “Las Vegas whore that looked like a bunch of (explicative) could gang rape her.” First of all, are these allegations true? If so, why would you say such things?

MG: I thought this interview was going to be about my career! You (explicative)! Where the (explicative) do come off (explicative) asking me such a dumb (explicative) question? What the (explicative) did I (explicative) do to you? Are you a (explicative) dumb (explicative)? I could snap your (explicative) neck like a (explicative) toothpick, you fat little (explicative) (explicative)(explicative)!

CU: But I thought that if you could calmly enlighten the readers...

MG: I've got your (explicative) calmly (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) right here, mother (explicative)! You little (explicative)! I'll bust your (explicative) head open like a (explicative) water (explicative) melon!

CU: Mr. Gibson, details of the case have been leaked, including the recording of you saying these awful things. We at the Curious Urinal simply want to allow you to set the record straight.

MG: The Curious (explicative) Urinal can kiss my (explicative) (explicative)! What kind of a (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) piece of (explicative) name is that for a (explicative) newspaper?

CU: Mr. Gibson...

MG: (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative)! And furthermore, (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) and the horse you rode in on! (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative)!

With that, he punched me in the nose and walked off. Then he came back and said,

MG: And something else! (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) you!

And with that, he stormed out of the room.



And now for something completely different...



Facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying: It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the word threshold.

(And you thought this was a stupid blog, didn't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

Now you know where some of our customs and sayings come from!

This report had been brought to you by:

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Is the New Black Panther Party Racist?

Malik Shabazz, the head of the New Black Panther Party, is defending his organization against accusations that it is racist against white people. This comes after a voter intimidation case against Black Panther members from the 2008 election returned to the spotlight this month, all amid accusations that race played a factor in the Justice Department abandoning the case. Shabazz says the organization is focused on civil rights, not racial attacks. He said this while grabbing an elderly white woman in a headlock and beating her repeatedly in the face with a Jim Crowbar.

The accusations also comes after a video showing King Shaber Shabaz (who gives their children names like this?) stated that White "Krackers" should be killed, along with their "Kracker Babies!"

The Department Of Justice, led by Eric Holder, dropped the case. Holder then resigned from the DOJ, joined the New Black Panthers, and changed his name to Butcher Whitie. He later declared war on White America.

Klu Klux Klan head, Joe 'Bubba' Mitiwite, has Twittered that he has invite the Black Panthers to Alabama to have it out in a no-holds barred, fight to the finish. So far, no word if the Black Panthers will accept the invitation to the smack-down.

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Pastor Fired For Saying 'Jesus'

A North Carolina pastor was relieved of his duties as an honorary chaplain of the state house of representatives after he closed a prayer by invoking the name of Jesus.

“I got fired,” said the pastor of a Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, NC. He had been invited to lead prayer for an entire week but his tenure was cut short when he refused to remove the name Jesus from his invocation.

The trouble began during the week of May 31. He said a House Clerk asked to see his prayer. The invocation including prayers for our military, state lawmakers and a petition to God asking him to bless North Carolina.”

“When I handed it to the lady, I watched her eyes and they immediately went right to the bottom of the page and the word Jesus and she said ‘We would prefer that you not use the name Jesus. We have some people here that can be offended.’”

When he decided to not remove Jesus from the prayer, the pastor was immediately fired.

The House Clerk, Basheba Muhammed, screamed 'Allah Akbar' and then blew up the assemblage. No word if charges will be filed against the pastor.

Government: Gulf Seafood Being Tested

So far, government testing shows no worrisome levels of oil contamination in shrimp, grouper, tuna and other seafood caught along the fringes of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. "They are are safe to eat," according to a federal agency inspector, Ima Lyon.

"We have taken around 400 samples of commonly consumed species caught mostly in open waters and have chemically tested them. So far, none of them have shown levels of contaminant that concerns us.
The Food and Drug Administration began catching seafood species in the Gulf within days of the April 20 BP rig explosion off the Louisiana coast that generated a massive oil spill.

"We're looking for polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons, or PAHs. That's the most common carcinogenic components of crude oil. Seafood inspectors also have been sniffing out oily product. One fish sample has failed the smell test, but did not show concerning levels of contaminants" She added. "The guys said the seafood smelled just like a New Orleans hooker, and that was bad!"

But local seafood restaurant owner, Charlie DeTuna, stated, "I just changed the oil in my El Camino with three shrimp, a sea bass, and one of those three-eyed groupers. Afterwards, I sold them to my customers and they said they were delicious!"

Uganda Attacks Mark Bloody End to World Cup

Two suicide bombers blew up a home in Uganda during a World Cup party. The attack marks the first time al-Shabab has reached out beyond the borders of Somalia, where the militia has seized control of large swathes of territory and established a strict and brutal form of Islamic law in its wake.

The group claimed responsibility for the blasts Monday, saying its militants would carry out attacks "against our enemy" wherever they are. "No one will deter us from performing our Islamic duty," said Sheik Ali Mohamud Rage, a group spokesman in Mogadishu. He made the statement while brutalizing some women and children.

Sheik Yusuf Sheik Issa, an al-Shabab commander, told reporters early Monday that he was happy with the attacks. "Uganda is one of our enemies. Whatever makes them cry, makes us happy. May Allah's anger be upon those who are against us," Sheik said. He then beheaded a cat because it had dared not respect his authority.

It was earlier believed that the group had bombed the house because they had vuvuzulas there.

In Local News

County Bomb Squad Explodes Suspicious Package

The Ammo County bomb squad blew up a suspicious suitcase. It turned out to be a couple of cans of food and a can opener.

Officers investigating a suspicious suitcase found in Buzzardbait Park and Mud Bog took X-rays of the package. What they saw was several cylinders inside and something that looked like tools, wires, C-4 and packing.

They cleared the area and blew the suitcase up.

A closer inspection after the blast revealed that the suspicious items were a can of cream corn, two cans of tuna, a couple of cans of soda , a container of Cheese Wizz and crackers. And the tools? A can-opener, a fork, an Ipod and a pair of earbuds. The packing was a picnic blanket. No bomb.

After the blast, Johnny Snuffsniffer of Poon Point was arrested for leaving the suitcase near the restrooms. Mr. Snuffsniffer was in the bathroom at the time of the discovery, having a bout of the grippers. He tried to explain to the officers that the sign on the door of the restrooms clearly indicated that nothing could be brought inside, thus he left his suitcase outside the door.

There is no word on when bail will be set for Mr. Snuffsniffer.

The entire incident cost taxpayers $35,000 for the botched investigation.

This report was paid for by the following advertiser.

Dr. Imgona Takumoni, Buzzardbait’s foremost expert on acne, has developed a revolutionary new way to deal with teen acne, adult acne, and every other form of acne. It’s called Wipe Out!









Wipe out isn’t just another cream or medication that slowly reduces acne. Wipe Out is the breakthrough that you’ve been waiting for.

The process is simple: Just apply a generous portion of Wipe Out to the affected area; then rub in with a Brillo pad or any comparable steel wool pad; and then watch the magic happen.

When you see the red mixing with the blue, you will get purple, and that’s when you know Wipe Out is working!

Reduce occurrences of acne by 50% with the first usage! *

Come by the Buzzardbait Acne Clinic and Steel Wool Center today! Conveniently located at 5th and Main in Beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait.

* Reduced occurrences of acne by 50% is mainly due to the fact that you cannot see your skin for the blood and bits of loose, dangling pieces of meat.

Disclaimer:

Wipe Out is a fairly harmless acne cream, containing only the finest ingredients. Usage of steel wool on your skin is entirely up to the individual. Common side effects are bloody, raw skin; permanent scarring; a desire to scream when the alcohol-based cream is applied to the bloody, raw skin; sudden mood swings; the ability to live with acne regardless of how it may look on you; and the feeling of intense pain in affected areas.

Do not use Wipe Out if you’re afraid of pain or blood. Not recommended for use by anyone who owns a firearm and hates quack doctors.

Dr. Imgona Takumoni is in no way responsible for any adverse effects that you may and probably will incur with usage of this product, and therefore cannot be sued for malpractice. You use the product at your own risk!

News Items from Across the World

Barefoot Bandit has Excuse

19 year old Colton Harris-Moore, a.k.a. known as the Barefoot Bandit, was captured earlier this week in the Bahamas after a high-speed boat chase. Once captured, he began giving excuses for his notorious behavior for the past couple of years.














He claims that someone stole his shoes, thus driving him into a life of crime.


Is Lindsey Lohan's Star Fading?

Lindsay Lohan's star power can't be relied upon to draw large audiences to TV or movie screens any more. In fact, the washed-up has-been can't seem to do anything right these days.

Her latest role, as a defendant in the courtroom only garnered limited interest as her star power has dwindled below that of Pee Wee Herman and Willie the Wonder Weasel (whose last role as Hamlet actually garnered more interest that Lohan's work for several years combined).

Her last starring role, 2007's "I Know Who Killed Me" grossed just $7.5 million. Her TV appearances are now usually shunned by fans of those shows. "Basically, Lindsey Lohan is a star who had her 15 minutes, and should now go back to the trailer park where she can live out the rest of her life as a washed-up drunk that thinks she's better than anyone else!" Ethel Judgya, famed Hollywood Critic for The Daily Crap recently stated. "Hopefully a judge somewhere will sentence her to life in prison for being a bad actress and save our children from seeing her vile, so-called talent ever again!"

But one fan disagree. Judy Drooler, a self-proclaimed Lindsey Lohan fan, said, "I love her. I want to have her babies! I'll do anything to make her happy. I'll cook, clean, do her laundry, then sue her for everything she has once I get tired of her!"















Also, rumor has it that the Mean Girls star is at least $2 million in debt. Allegedly she has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on ho-dog clothing and drugs. No word as of this report is she has found a new attorney since her former lawyer threw up her hands and gave up after Ms. Lohan wrote her a cold check.

And in Publishing news:

Sarah Palin Autobiography Targets Children

A biography of the former Alaska governor and self-described "mama grizzly" is set for release in September by a Christian book publisher.









"Speaking Up: The Sarah Palin Story" is one in a series of biographies aimed at 9- to 12-year-old readers. Others feature 2007 Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and U2 frontman Bono.

On a similar note, "My Life as a Terrorist-loving Marxist: The Barack Obama Story" is being targeted toward people who hate America and "The Wit and Wisdom of Joe Biden" is coming out as a comedy book aimed at no one in particular.

Breaking News:

Switzerland says it will not extradite director Roman Polanski to the U.S. over 1977 child sex case!

A Swiss judge has declared the Roman Polanki, the famed and infamous director accused of a 1977 sexual abuse case in California, will not face extradition to the US.

Speaking on behalf of the director, Little Sally Victim stated, "Mr. Polanski is very happy with the verdict, Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go see him because he has offered to give me a special lollipop for being such a good little girl!"

International News From The Curious Urinal

A Special Report:

Arabs Issue Fatwa Against Vuvuzela

For those of you that don't know, the Vuvuzela is a plastic trumpet, whose drone has been likened to a swarm of bees. It has become the unmistakable background sound of the World Cup. And an annoyance to many who follow the game of Soccer.

Earlier this week, a fatwa was issued by the UAE's General Authority of Islamic Affairs and Endowments says that above 100 decibels, the buzzing sound of the vuvuzela is "haram"(harmful), The National newspaper reported Friday.

According to the fatwa, the horns can be used only in stadiums if they pose no harm. "And since they sound so damned annoying, the harm is there, so these infidel pieces of plastic must die!" Said Abdul Camelhumper, Head of the Society of Fatwa Issuers Union (SFIU) at the United Arab Emirate's 'We Hate Everything About The West And They Should All Die Community College.'

"Importers and traders must ensure that the power of this infidel thing is not over 100 decibels so as to avoid damaging people's hearing," the ruling declares. "The vuvuzelas in the markets now could produce sounds reaching 127 decibels. Thus they should all die!"

Meanwhile, a few traders cancelled orders for more vuvuzelas after they found the horn could be harmful.

One trader found out that the horns had originally been used by African shamans and witchdoctors. "I searched on the Internet and found some articles regarding it. They were used to bring out devils," he said. "That explains the fatwa! The devils in the UAE have all be unleashed now. Thanks South Africa!"

The Curious Urinal Interview:


Stinky the Fece-Throwing Monkey.

You probably don't know it, but local celebrity, Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey has seen his share of ups and downs over the years. In fact, sitting down with the megastar, he recounts his life in the business in this exclusive interview.

When we sat down last week to chat, Stinky had just arrived back in town. His work had taken him away from his home at the Buzzardbait Zoo for a few weeks. In that time, he shot his scenes for three upcoming feature films set for release next year. We asked him about the films and he said:

Stinky: “I can't talk about them due to contractual concerns. But next year, Stinky is back with a vengeance! That I can guarantee.”

CU: “So what can you tell us about your career that no one knows?”

Stinky: “Where to begin? Well, I suppose that A Chimpanzee Christmas Story was my break-out film. I played Ralphy, that adorable little monkey that wanted the Red Rider Banana Gun for Christmas. It wasn't easy to play the role, having no acting experience, but I muddled through it and that movie has since become a classic.”
















CU: “What about the next film?”

Stinky: “Who Framed Chester Chimp? Now that was a funny movie. I was four years old and had two lines in the entire film. I still remember them too!”

CU: “What were they?”

Stinky: “'Where's my banana?' and 'Who want's some poo?'”

CU: “That was back in the days before you took your stage name?”

Stinky: “Yeah. I was just known as Stinky back then.”

CU: “So what happened from there?”

Stinky: “I got parts in several films back in the '80's that were pretty much standard roles. I was the boy monkey in Little Shop of Bananas. I had a small part in The Velveteen Chimp. Then I finally got to play a bigger role. The Great Monkey Caper made me a star, I suppose. From there, the roles came often.”

CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”

Stinky: “Please.”

CU: “Go on.”

Stinky: “I got a part in the epic Escape from New York Zoo. I was the bad ass kid that beat the snot out of Snake before he killed me. Then The Monkey Pit came along. I almost turned it down until I found out Tom Yanks was in it.”




CU: “Good actor!”

Stinky: “Very! After that – thanks for the banana smoothie – after that, I landed the plumb role of a lifetime. I was the star finally. Indiana Chimp and The Last Banana was the role of a lifetime. I got to be the hero and get the girl... And the banana too!”












CU: “That was a great movie!”

Stinky: “Thank you. After that, the roles kept coming in. I was in Robin Hood: Chimps in Tights. I played Friar Monk in that. Then there was When Harry met Stinky. Oh, now that was a fun movie to make!”

CU: “Again teaming up with Tom Yanks.”

Stinky: “Yes. He's great! After that, I was in An Officer and a Chimpanzee with Richard Gearbox. Then came Romancing the Ape, Repo Chimp, Gorillas in the Midst, The Color of Monkey with Paul Numman and Tom Clues... And then there's my personal favorite, Stinky and the Bandit! with Dirk Biddles.”

CU: And that ended the '80's in style!”

Stinky: “Yes. But that was when I started drinking too much. You know how Hollywood is? It's one big party and I got caught up in it all.”

CU: “But that was also when you did some of your best work.”

Stinky: “Well, yes. But I have to admit that it was difficult to get through the long shoots and the changes that I was going through personally. I was in my teens and partying into the wee hours with my friends, and I didn't show up for days at a time to film my parts.”

CU: “How bad was it?”

Stinky: “Well, I got to work with Tom Yanks yet again in Forrest Chimp. But I think he knew I was in trouble. He suggested I lay off the sauce and refocus my energy toward the movies. I tried so hard. I did Chimp Fiction with John Revolta and Samual L. Jackya, but I was partying so hard with Uma Furmann, that I lost sight of the fact that the director was unhappy with my work. Most of my scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. My part went from a large part to that of a supporting actor, and from there it was all downhill.”














CU: “You still worked though?”

Stinky: “Yes. I was in Silence of the Chimps. My favorite role in the '90's. I remember the line that made millions squeamish, 'I ate his liver... With some fava beans and a banana smoothie.' That was a delicious role. I actually was sober for most of that movie because of the intensity of the character.”

CU: “But that was when everything changed?”

Stinky: “Yes. After that, I did one other really decent film. The Cable Chimp with Jim Furry. But he and I didn't get along very well, and I began drinking openly and became very unpredictable. I began throwing poo most every day, and I was black-balled because I was such an ass to work with. And from there, the roles became fewer and far between. There was Tales of the Chimp, which was a really bad movie. After that, I did Attack of the Killer Bananas and And that stupid Biznee flick, That Darn Chimp. After that no one really wanted to have me in their films at all.”

CU: “So you went into TV?”

Stinky: “Yeah. That was a bad time too. I was drunk most of the time. I ended up as a semi-regular on Teenage Mutant Ninja Monkeys for a time. But I cold-cocked the director one day for knocking my drink over.”

CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”

Stinky: “Thank you. These are really good.”

CU: “So, you were saying?”

Stinky: “Right. I was kicked off the set of the Mutant Monkeys show and got lucky and landed a small part in The Telemonkeys. But again, I got drunk on the set and they stuck me in C.A.”

CU: “C.A.?”

Stinky: “Chimpanzees Anonymous. It took some time, but I started to dry out. But I had a relapse on the set of The Mighty Morphin Power Monkeys and ended up in rehab. Six weeks of drying out and I came out clean and sober. From there, I landed a part that started to make my star shine again. Stinky and the Brain. I did two seasons of that before it was canceled. I felt really bad about that too, because it was a great little show. But the audience just wasn't there. The ratings sucked and that was it.”

CU: “Did you start drinking again?”

Stinky: “Big time. I was drinking Banana Daiquiris right and left. I was once again in denial and was trying to show the world my talent at the same time. I landed a role on a soap opera and I did that for a little while. Here I had been a major star and had sunk to the lowest point in my career doing a freakin' soap opera!”

CU: “You won a Daytime Emmy for your role though!”

Stinky: “I played the drunk on As the Chimp Turns. It wasn't a hard part to play. I simply fooled everyone by saying that I stayed in character all of the time. But when they discovered I was really drinking, they fired me on the spot! The last TV show I was on after that was Circus of the Network Has-Beens. From there, I disappeared into a bottle for a few years.”

CU: “What happened to change your life?”

Stinky: “Tom Yanks found me living under a viaduct one day as he was driving around in his sports car. He got me into the car and took me to rehab and paid to have me go through it. It was like he really wanted me to be free of the demon that had possessed me. And I owe him big time too!”

CU: “So now we are into the new century. You are clean and sober again, but something changed to turn your acting career in a new direction?”

Stinky: “Right. I met a young actor/rapper named Will Smiff. He was working on a movie and he told me that I had been the reason he wanted to be an actor in the first place. He saw me in Indiana Chimp and thought I was da bomb! He got the director to cast me in a film he was doing called Chimps In Black! From there, things started to roll again. But I decided that Stinky wasn't going to be just another comeback actor like Robert Downme Jr. I did something in that movie that got a lot of laughs, so I incorporated it into my stage name. It's a gimmick, but it works pretty well for me.”














CU: And Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey was the result!”

Stinky: “Exactly. And after that, I have been busy. I did all three of the Star Warped movies, the Chimptastic Four, and have done tons of TV shows too. Monkey Legal was fun. William Splatner is a hoot to work with. Then I was on Chimplock with Andy Grippit for several episodes. But the movies are my first love, so I concentrated more on that. I got to work with Tom Yanks again on his mega-hit film, The Chimpvinci Code, and worked with Will Smiff again on Independence Ape. I was the Chief in Chimpman Begins, and did a couple of the Harry Pothead movies too. And now, here I am, just off the plane and back for a vacation after filming three different movies. One of which will be big box office, I'm sure!”















CU: “I heard rumors that one of those films was The Chimpvengers movie!”

Stinky: “You heard right. But like I said, I can't really speak of the new ones yet. But I'll let you know when the press junkets begin, so you can get the interview when I'm allowed to talk about them. Besides, my agent would kill me if I did something crazy like that.”

CU: “B.A. Gorilla is still your agent, right?”

Stinky: Bad Ass is still my agent, and will continue in that role for as long as I can act.”

CU: “Stinky, I want to thank you for sitting down with me today.”

Stinky: “Could I get another Banana Smoothie before you go. These are damned good!”

CU: “Sure.”

A conversation at Chez Marty's

“Good evening and welcome to Chez Marty's. I am your waiter, Jean Luc. What can I get for you wonderful people this evening?”

“Hey there, John Luke. Listen here, I'm hungrier that a shark in a pool full of fat people. I need me some steak!”

“Sir, you have come to the right place for meat. We have only the finest cuts of USDA Choice beef here at Chez Marty's!”

“Really? Watcha got?”

“Well, we have Chateaubriand, Delmonico, Filet mignon, Flank steak, Flatiron steak, Hanger steak, London Broil, New York strip, Porterhouse, Prime rib, Rib-eye, Sirloin steak, T-bone, and Tri-tip.”

“How about a T-Bone?”

“10 Ounce, 12 ounce or 16 ounce?”

“Better do the big one cause I'm hungrier that a broke-dick dog in a room full of bitches in heat!”

“Yes, of course. And how would you like that prepared? Well, medium well, or rare?"

"Looky here... I want you to go out and run that cow till he's good and hot, then catch him, light a match under that sucker and slap him on a plate!"

"Rare it is then."

"Damn skippy!"

"And for you madame?”

“I'm not very hungry. Do you have salads?”

“Madame, we have only the finest salads here at Chez Marty's.”

“What kinds do you have?”

“Madame, we have our house salad, a wonderful Caesar Salad, Bean Salad, Broccoli Salad, Chef Salad, Chicken Salad - American and Chinese styles, Cole Slaw, Congealed Salad, Cookie Salad, Crab Louie Salad, Egg Salad, Eggplant Salad, Fattoush, Fruit Salad, Gado-Gado, Greek Salad, Ham Salad, Israeli Salad, Larb, Nicoise Salad, Panzanella, Pasta Salad, Potato Salad, Russian Salad, Salmagundi Salad, Seven-layer Salad, Shopska Salad, Somen Salad, Som Tan, Gỏi ngó sen, Bouli, Taco Salad, Tuna Salad, Waldorf Salad and Watergate Salad.”

“I'll just have the house salad.”

“And what kind of dressing would you care for this evening?”

“I'm not sure. What kinds do you have?”

“Well... We have Blue Cheese, Ceasar, Diseased Yak Ejaculate, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, French, Honey Dijon, Hummus, Italian, Louis, Ranch, Rice Vinegar, Russian, Tahini, 10-W-40, Thousand Island, Vinaigrette, Wafu, and Whale Excrement.”

“Hmm? I think I'll just have the house salad with ranch dressing then.”

“Excellent choice. And what would you enjoy drinking with your meal tonight. We have many superb wines on our menu.”

“Got beer?”

“Sir, here at Chez Matry's, we have an extensive assortment of ales.”

“Like what?”

“Ahem, well, we have several types. It depends on if you desire an ale, a lager, pilsner, stout, bitters, cream ale or iced beer.”

“I want a regular beer!”

“I see. Would you prefer foreign or domestic?”

“I don't want some fereign beer. I want a real beer!”

“Yes. Well, we have several to choose from. Our bar is stocked with a vast assortment of domestic brews.”

“Whatcha got?”

“Ahem... We have the following: Black Label, Budweiser, Busch, Cat's Piddle, Coors, Genesee, Iron City, Keystone, Killians Red, Koch's, Lionshead, Michelob, Miller, Milwaukees Best, Old Horse Piss, Old Milwaukee, Old Style, Pabst, Red Dog, Red Dog Urine, Schaefer, Schitts, Schlitz, Schmidts, Stoney's, Straub Dark, and Stroh's. “

“How about a Bud?”

“Do you care for any particular type?

“Huh?”

“Sir, we have Budweiser American Ale, Bud Dry, Bud Ice, Bud Light, Bud Light Golden Wheat, Bud Light Lime, Bud Select and Bud Select 55.”

“I want a regular damned Bud!”

“And you madame?”

“I'll have the same.”

“Very good. I will get your orders in straight away.”

And now for something completely different...

It’s the book sensation that swept the world, and now it’s coming to a theater near you. The story of a young boy who has special powers; and whois sent away to a school for other gifted children like himself.

Once at the Hoggnutt’s School for Gifted Heads, Professor Fondledork, the ancient head of the school, notices this young boy and decided to take him under his wing... To teach the young lad all about his special powers.

"Professor?"

"Yes Harry?"

"I realize that you are older and wiser, and that you’re trying to teach me things that I do not know..."

"Yes?"

"Well, why do I have to learn while naked?"

"Why, young Harry, it's to rid yourself of all of the inhibitions that keep you from growing, of course. See this? Now you see that in my hands, you can grow... Oh yes! How you can grow!"

But along the way, the young boy meets his destiny and begins a journey into the unknown world of Cannabis. There, he stumbles upon Ned the Narc, who tries to turn the young boy into a Master Head of the Dark Weed.

"Hey Harry? I bet you didn’t know that I was the one who killed your father?

"And I bet you didn’t know that when you did, I became the head of the household!"

"Meaning?"

"Take a hit of this and tell me who’s higher!"

But the boy, whose destiny was sealed from birth, fights the Dark Master and prevails. And with the assistance of Professor Fondledork, the young man learns a valuable lesson. That when life hands you weeds, roll em up and smoke em.

"Take that, you bad man!"

"Is that all you have to offer, Harry?"

"Well, I do have this!"

"Hey, fire that thing up. I’ll get the roachclip! And I can get some Twinkies, some M&M’s and some beer, too!"

"Cool!"

"Harry?"

"Yes, Professor Fondledork?"

"Was that the Dark Master?"

"Why, yes... Yes it was!"

"I thought so. Take down your trousers, Harry."

"Why, Professor Fondledork?"

"So I can live up to my name, my boy!"

Nineteenth Century Weasel and Ganja Productions presents:

Harry Pothead and His Magic Wand!

"Harry, this wand of yours is so big!"

"Thanks, Professor."

Rated NC-17 for really sick and demented things that might make you go "Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww!"

Coming soon to a theater near you.

This is a paid advertisment:

Honest Charlie Parker’s Real Estate Company is having its annual Wonderful Home Sale.

This is a very homey mobile home nestled in the woods near Cooter Creek.

It has three bedrooms, one bath and is move-in ready. $69,950




This home is absolutely adorable. It is a quaint 3 bedroom, one bath home that needs a woman's touch.










As you can see, the inside is rather spacious despite the external view.












The kitchen was recently remodeled.














The bathroom is large and can accommodate up to 4 person family.














This home can be yours for $99,995.

So come on down to Honest Charlie Parker’s Real Estate Company, Located at Main and 5th in beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait.

Buzzardbait Hosts Major Concert

Somehow you might think that Buzzardbait wouldn’t draw major touring bands, but something strange happened, and the Buzzardbaitapalooza Concert at the Buzzardbait Fairgrounds and Mud Bog Last became a reality last night.

Lousyville was to have put on this major show, but at the last minute, fresh from being told that the concert was to be cancelled due to budgetary problems (lack of ticket sales), the Lousyville Fairgrounds booted the bands to the curb in favor of holding an Extreme Skateboard Competition.

So, the bands and their managers were about to pull up stakes and head out of Lousyville when Ammo County Road Commissioner Oliver Closoff (who was at the Lousyville Fairgrounds on business at the time) suggested that the bands follow him to Buzzardbait. He happened to know that nothing was going on at the Buzzardbait Fairgrounds and Mud Bog last night, and the bands could perform there.

And the rest, as they say, was history.

The concert was promoted on Buzzardbait Radio station, WBZZ. Local DJ and gas station attendant, Ben Gleck, began announcing the big show on his afternoon drive-time show, ‘The Ben Gleck Program.’ By the time the show was over, the crowd has already began flocking to the Fairgrounds and Mud Bog awaiting the beginning of Buzzardbaitapalooza.

Finally, the stage was set up and the lights went off. The crowd began cheering (someone mentioned free Schitts Beer and that made them cheer even louder) when Oliver Closoff stepped on stage and declared Buzzardbaitapalooza was officially beginning. He then proceeded to introduce the opening band.

The opening act, Harry Derriere and the Hirsute Hound Dogs, put on a ear-bleeding 45 minute set that was full of energy. With the band playing their complete repertoire in 30 minutes, they began playing other peoples music, some of which the crowd actually had heard of.

After their set ended and the stage reset for the next act, Oliver Closoff returned to the stage and issued the statement that Schitts Beer was going to be given away for free, but it would cost $5 for each of the tickets to obtain the free beer, limit one ticket per beer. The crowd immediately moved to the ticket window and shelled out the money for the free beer tickets. An estimated 4,500 tickets were purchased by the 300 people attending the show.

As the crowd drank and began loosening up, Oliver closoff introduced the next act. When Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molekats stepped up on stage, the crowd went wild. Sammy and the band, who have appeared in Buzzardbait on numerous occasions, put on their usual show. As usual, Sammy’s singing was off-key, and the band was a beat behind the drummer (who looked to be so stoned that he was propped up on the drummers throne with a broom handle). Other than that, the show was pretty much their standard fare. They played both of their hits, and most of the other songs that have filled their five CD’s (which can be found at Buzzardbait Music Store and Instrument Rentals, located at 5th and Main in downtown Buzzardbait).

Their hour long set ended on a high note as Sammy mooned the audience and declared herself the Queen of Rock n Roll. Then she proceeded to jump off of the stage into the crowd. Apparently the crowd wasn’t aware that they were to catch her and do the mosh pit thing. They let her drop to the ground like a brick. The good news is that she will be out of the hospital by tomorrow, but the broken bones will postpone the remainder of their North American Tour of Central Kentucky for several weeks.

Next up was a veteran rock warriors, Tarnished Plastic. Their heavy metal show was marred early on when half the light rigging dropped to the stage, crushing their keyboard player, Shorty Long. After the lights were hoisted back into place, and Shorty was checked out by the local EMT’s, the show went on. Shorty, grimacing in pain and bleeding profusely for most of the remainder of the show, managed to show off his talents at the keyboards by playing chopsticks with his nose while pulling out a piece of twisted metal from his head. Afterwards, he was bandaged up and autographed the metal fragment, tossing it out to an adoring fan.

After the stage was reset, the next act was introduced. Peter Pimple and The Zits haven’t toured in several years, but are currently in the midst of a reunion tour. Peter Pimple, who looks to be in his late 60's, screamed out that he was ready to rock and roll. No sooner than he said that, the band woke up and began playing. The Zits, all of whom also look to be in their late 60's, managed to rock the crowd until the bass players angina began acting up. The lead guitarist, who has severe arthritis, had to stop several time during his guitar solo to take some pain meds. The drummer, who looked every bit as healthy as the rest of the band, had to stop several times during the set to go to the bathroom. Peter Pimple, who no longer has acne but his face is severely disfigured by the scarring, huffed and said that he was kind of tired and needed a nap. The fifteen minute set wrapped up when Peter Pimple and the Zits rode off the stage on their Hover-Rounds.

And that left one last act. And he is also no stranger to Buzzardbait’s music scene.

Milo Days walked on stage to the delight of the cheering crowd and proceeded to guzzle a fifth of Dingleberry Wine before playing a note. He started his set with his signature song, ‘Dat Girl has Got’s Some Fine Breastessess Blues.’ After the first song, he drank another fifth of wine. In fact, in between each song he played, he chugged another fifth of Dingleberry Wine. After his fourth song, ‘I’s be Peeping Thru da Hole in da Wall Blues’ Milo passed out. He was carried offstage and the lights went up.

And with that, Buzzardbaitapalooza ended. Oliver Closoff, who made it all possible, was said to be thinking about retiring from the County Road Commissioner post and going into concert promotions. After witnessing this wonderful show, he may have a future in it too!

Local residents picket new restaurant.

The Church of Jose the Semi-Righteous in Downtown Poon Point went on the warpath when the new Big Dick’s Hot Dog Stand opened for business last week. Ever since then, the church members have walked a picket line in front of the restaurant, claiming the eatery is selling sex as well as hot dogs.

Owner, Richard ‘Dick’ Sathrobbin, shook his head and laughed during the interview. “How can anyone be offended by my hot dogs?” He pointed out the menu and said, “I mean, come on, The Little Wiener and the Big Dick Special are not what you’d call obscene! “

But other menu items include: The Big Dick and Balls (a Polish Sausage with two Italian meatballs served on the side), The Big Dick and Puss (The aforementioned Polish sausage and Catfish) and the house special, The John Holmes (a sixteen inch sausage smothered in onions and cheese). Other items include a large vanilla protein drink called the Big Dick Swallow. And then there’s the small chocolate shake called the Big Dick Mocha Ejaculate! Mr. Sathrobbin did say, “The only menu item I could saw that might offend these zealots would be the deep fried rabbit in a baked crust, known as the Hare Pie.”

The last restaurant that occupied the current location of Big Dick’s Hot Dog Stand was the old Phurr’s Restaurant, home of the Phurr-Burger! The Church of Jose the Semi-Righteous also picketed the establishment until it closed for good back in 1997. It reopened a week later in Buzzardbait and has been doing a good business ever since.

And in Sports:


LaBamba LaDouche, semi-retired pro wrestler and Hooter Heights resident, announced today the she was getting back into the ring once again to wrestle Mistress Irma Floppinpillows during Wrestlingmania 46. The big event will be held on July 19th at the Buzzardbait Arena and Flea Market.

Also on the card that night will be Big John Studmuffin vs. Smitty The Swampdweller, the Fabulous Taco Brothers in a grudge match vs. Larry ‘The Wanghammer’ Butski and Bruno Hockaloogy. Other matches include a 12-man Battle Royale and Texas Tornado Death match featuring Johnny ‘The Queen’ Honcho and 'Pretty Boy' Nick Glare. A Texas Tornado Death Match is a no-hold’s barred, fight to the finish with a ten minute time limit.

Tickets are going on sale next week!

A Special Edition of The Curious Urinal

Local Residents Celebrate 4th of July

Here we are once again. It’s the July Fourth weekend, and local residents are celebrating in the usual ways. People are preparing to cook out, making those last minute runs to the store for buns, or ice. Children are running around Buzzardbait Park carrying sparklers, and anticipating larger fireworks later in the evening. Some are heading out to the lake to fish, while others are heading out to visit friends or family.

But one of the residents of Buzzardbait is celebrating the holiday the same way he celebrates every day. He has to be the most patriotic resident in town.

His name is Wilber Oltymer, and when I saw him, he had just raised the Stars and Strips in front of his humble home. I walked up and asked him what his plans were for the Fourth. He gave me a curious smile and said, “You know, people can celebrate the day in a lot of ways, but most people never remember what the holiday is really all about.”

He led me to the front porch and we sat as he began, “Our forefathers brought forth to this continent a new nation, sacrificing their fortunes, their good names and their sacred honor, and in many cases their lives, to establish America - the greatest nation on the face of the earth.” He sipped at a glass of lemonade and pointed toward the flagpole. "You see the flagpole there? I put that up after I moved back home. I was fresh out of the Marines, where I did three tours of duty in Vietnam. I came home and had to take care of my parents. Now there were two patriotic people. My father served in World War Two. He won the Purple Heart and the Bronze Star. He rescued several of his fellow troops while they were taking out a Nazi machine gun bunker. My father was shot thirteen times in the process of rescuing his brothers in arms.”

“My mother was a nurse at a MASH unit. She tended to his wounds and they discovered that they were from the same area. After the war, they moved here and got married, and had me a year later. Things were a lot simpler back in those days. You could live the American Dream and not have too many problems. Of course that was a different time.” He said, “When they passed away, I took this house and put that flagpole up. It was my way of honoring their service to the nation and in honor of them as my parents.”

He again looked at the flag and said, “You know, nowadays, too many people take this country for granted. Some protest it and call it names. Some just use it and drain it dry. Some people apologize for its arrogance; bowing down to foreign leaders. Then you have those that would do harm to America. Those fools that would love to change it into something else, or simply see it die. Those people who hate America and want to change it or destroy it had better beware. Because there are still people, like me, who will fight for her. Those that would sacrifice there fortunes, their good names and their sacred honor to defend her. And yes, those that would die for her. You see that with every person that puts on the uniform of the Armed Forces. They love this country, just like I do!” He added, “And I will gladly fight for my country again to make sure that those who would do America harm would not prevail!”

He glanced back up to the flag, fluttering gently in the simmer breeze and sighed. “My wife had gone to New York to visit some family back in September of 2001. And her sister had taken her to the World Trade Center to tour it. That was on 9/11. They never made it out of Building One after the plane hit it.” He stopped a moment and wiped a stray tear away. “My sons, Charlie and Andy were fresh out of high school and were about to start college. They decided to join the military instead. They volunteered to go to Iraq and Afghanistan instead. Charlie was in Bagdad when a roadside bomb blew his Humvee to bits. Andy is still in Afghanistan, trying to help liberate that nation. I’m very proud of them all.”

He stood up and shook my hand as he fought back his tears. He thanked me for listening, and walked inside of the house.

As I walked off the front porch, I looked up at the flag and smiled. America may have its problems, but it is still the Greatest Nation on the face of the Earth! And for those of us who were lucky enough to have been born here, or for those that immigrated here to become citizens, we should all be thankful that we live here, in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave!

Happy 4th of July. God Bless America!

Big things happening at the zoo!

The Buzzardbait Zoo is open, and boy what a difference a year makes. Last season, the zoo hardly got any traffic. But this year, the people are coming out in droves.

Why, you ask?

Wally World has opened a small Super-Duper Store inside of the Zoo. Store Manager, Anita Whoopin, said that it made sense to construct the Super-Duper Store inside of the zoo, so that patrons of both could enjoy both the shopping experience and the zoo animals at the same time.

Here are some of the pics or staff photographer, Juan Motyme, took of the festivities.









This baby is enjoying himself at the zoo.













This little girl won a big prize at the 'Sex Life Under the Seas' game booth.













Dad looks on as one of his beloved children rides the Tilt and Hurl Ride in the 'African Safari' exhibit.








Inside the Wally World, Mom and child enjoy great bargains and together time.










This little boy is getting his picture made inside the Wally World Picture Studio. Linda the Lioness seems to be taking it all in stride.













Dad and daughter end a happy day at the zoo, heading out to have dinner at the Exotic Steakhouse across the parking lot.