THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Wednesday 10/20/2010
I have to tell you a story. It's not a pretty story, but it's mostly true. The names have been changed to protect my ass from any future law suits.
Talk about being at the right place at the wrong time. A lady friend and I decided to stop in for Karaoke Night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub. Seeing most every Saturday night is a busy night there, we decided to play a few games of pool and then we'd vacate the place before the singing got really God-Awful. As we walked inside the place, we took note that it was a packed house. At least thirty or so patrons were huddled around the bar, seated at the tables, or just passing the time shooting some pool and taking in the karaoke singing (some people actually enjoy that). And all of them were drinking beer. A typical Saturday night in Buzzardbait.
Saturday Night Karaoke is a weekly event that's sponsored by Schitts Beer (locally brewed and bottled). It's usually a fun time. There you'll find drunk men in ball caps, dancing with themselves as they urinate in their grease-covered jeans. And then there are the drunk women, dressed in their finest tee shirts or tube tops, getting up in front of the drunken crowd, singing (or attempting to anyway) in hopes of getting one of the dancing drunk, piss-soaked men to notice them.
Every week since it started, the contest has been won by Thelma Buktoof of Poon Point. She's actually a decent singer, especially when the crowd is drunk. Thelma normally gives a great rendition of Tammy Whynott's 'Slip It Past Your Man' or Loretta Lenski's 'Don't Come Home A Drinkin' With Tuna On Your Breath.' But this past Saturday night, her choice of songs left the crowd a teensy bit bewildered. She chose to sing a 'Stung' song from the Cops last album, Zenbutta Yo Mudda, entitled: 'I'll Be Stalking You!'
The song itself wasn't too bad, but since Mrs. Buktoof has deeply inset bug eyes, she resembled a rabid squirrel in heat as she sang. And her vocal talents were not up to snuff that night, as her voice was ravaged by too much beer and nicotine. As the song went on, several of the drunk men began projectile vomiting on the dance floor. And if that wasn't bad enough, the women began throwing beer bottles toward the chicken wire partition (ala the first Blues Brothers Movie).
Aside for having to dodge some stray glass and the occasional cornchunks, my friend and I continued playing some 9 ball and tried to ignore the ruckus. The sickening sweet aroma of regurgitated beer and pork rinds would knock a buzzard off a shit wagon, but since my allergies were acting up, it didn't bother me as much as you'd think.
The bottle tossing soon turned into boos and hisses from the women... And that was when the real trouble started. A fight quickly ensued.
Phillip Douschbagger, the owner of the Buzzardbait Pool Hall portion of the business, was hunched over the counter, vomiting violently as the melee began. And that was when his wife, Vickie Douschbagger (owner of the pub side of the business) decided to repeatedly hit him in the head with a broken Schitts Beer bottle (I'm not sure if it was broken when she started hitting him, but is was thereafter). Phillips sister, Debbie, saw this and came to her brother's rescue. She took a pool cue and rammed it up her sister-in-laws rectum (as Vickie Douschbagger was dressed in a short skirt at the time) as she was bent over her husband (now heaped on the floor in a puddle of his own bile). Up until then,Vickie had been screaming at her husband about his affair with Erma Clappgiver. Ms. Clappgiver was, at that exact moment, across the room... Beating another woman in the head with a chair. Due to the amount of blood on the woman's face, I did not recognize her at first. It was later that I realized it was Vonda Lukatmytush, a first grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School.
Meanwhile, Ivana Jercoff (Operations Manager of the Buzzardbait Zoo), who had just finished her turn at the mic minutes before (and who sang a pretty decent rendition of Georgie Johansens song 'The Trouble With You Is You Suck!') was being assaulted by Emily Closoff, the wife of County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closoff. She was accusing Ms. Jercoff of having an affair with her husband. In the meantime, Oliver Closoff was being cornered by Jack Midick, who accused him of having an affair with Mrs, Midick, also known as Tangy Thunderthighs, a dancer at Big Al's Titty Emporium.
By this time, my friend and I were looking at the various fights and wondering if we should leave and not pay the bill, or just sit quietly by and have another beer while continuing to dodge pool cues, beer mugs and ash trays (that were being tossed wildly across the room). We chose to stay. Where was the fun in leaving all of this entertainment? I suggested to my friend that I'd go get us another round and I somehow managed to cross the room, reach into the beer cooler and grabbed a couple of cold Schitts beers. When I returned to my friend, she had some woman in a headlock, punching her in the face repeatedly. Needless to say, I sat in a chair and held onto her beer while I drank mine.
It wasn't thirty seconds later when I spotted Roscoe Harritung heading toward me. Apparently he saw that I was the only person not involved in the melee and came toward me with a mic stand. I suppose he was feeling left out, or thought that I was (I'm not sure which). As he approached me, I guzzled the rest of my beer and broke the bottle on the side of a nearby pool table. As I ducked the oncoming mic stand he had just swung at my head, I jammed the broken bottle into his groin. This made him drop the mic stand and grab himself (much like Michael Jackson's famous crotch grab at the Motown Awards). Only the sound coming from Mr. Harritung was not like the sound that Mr. Jackson would have made (Ohhh whooo). It was more like the sound a humpback whale makes when harpooned in the gonads (Aroooooooooo).
Seeing how my friend was now banging the woman's head against the concrete block wall, I sat back in my chair and open the second beer and enjoyed its smooth, mellow taste.
By this time, there were at least fifteen different fights taking place inside the pub and pool hall. The green felt on several of the pool tables were now covered with bodies, blood and/or vomit. I decided that I had seen enough and called 911 to complain that I couldn't play pool due to all the fighting going on. The police dispatcher told me that she'd have someone there before long. After that call, I made a call to order a pizza from Papa Fred's Pizzeria and Nail Salon, located down on 4th and Main. Believe me, they have the best greasy pizza this side of Hooter Heights!
The driver was there in less than fifteen minutes and I met him at the door. Paying the delivery guy (with a dollar tip to boot), I found a nice secluded spot and ate my pepperoni and banana pepper pizza while my friend was using a pool rack to beat the woman in the head. I turned my attention then to some guy across the room (his yelling compelled me to do so). He was getting his ass kicked by two different women. One was kicking his ass for apparently vomiting on her shoes while the other woman whipped him in the head for no apparent reason.
Thirty minutes later the Buzzardbait Police finally arrived. But by this time, most of the pool hall patrons had spilled-out into the parking lot; many brandishing pool cues and billiard balls. They were fighting one another in a display of carnage not seen since the World Wrestling Corporation's (WWC) Imgwotta 'Big' Johnson bungholed Henry 'The Giant Midget' Hernandez in a cage match that ended in a draw and a same-sex marriage.
The thirty or so patrons of the pool hall were rounded-up and transported to the Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor to await their bail hearing. Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police told me that none of the patrons involved in the melee would spend more that a day in jail before their bails would be set. “Judge Hugh Harshly will make justice move swiftly and bring much needed revenue to the city in the process!” Detective Inspector told me.
After that, I drove home and went to bed with a full belly and a buzz from the Schitts Beers. When I woke up Sunday morning, I drove to the Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor, where I arranged bail for my friend and got her out of there. Since she never got to have any pizza the night before, I took her to Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes for breakfast (If you ever go there, try the triple-stack chocolate chip pancakes with maple syrup and whipped cream... Yummy!).
When my friend asked me how I came up with the bail money so fast, I told her that since Detective Inspector happened to be my neighbor, he cut me a deal on her bail. I now owe him two lawn mowings and a wax job on his car. I also informed her that she would not be going before the judge. Judge Hugh Harshly is also a neighbor, and he owed me a favor. A few weeks ago I told his wife that he was in a meeting when he was actually meeting some woman from Pooter Park concerning... Anyway, now we're even.
When I finally asked my friend why she had gotten into a fight in the first place, she said the woman had called her a “Farmtown Ho!” Well, I suppose that's a good enough reason.
Well, that's the story.
Oh. I almost forgot... As for Thelma Buktoof, she is being charged with inciting a riot - a felony - and will be held in Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor until her court case comes up sometime in June.
Karaoke Night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub will never be the same again.
P.S. I have just found out that 'I'll Be Stalking You!' will no longer be on the play list for karaoke night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Tuesday 10/19/2010
Local Store Adds New Items
From the first visit I made to this store as a child, I can tell you a lot of things have changed over the years. Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has seen plenty of changes in its 85 years in business, but the changes to the store lately have concerned many older customers. The sign in the window stated: Under New Management. So I assume that the old management retired to sunny Florida, or the Buzzardbait Elderly Dykes Home.
Normally, when I head into the store, I'm there for a specific reason. When I was a kid, it was comic books (Captain CaCa and his Transgendered Friends; Spidery-Guy; The Flasher, The Green Horny, etc,) and of course, the candy. But as an adult, my needs have changed. I now go there for deodorant and shaving cream, aspirin and sodas. But this last visit to the store made me actually stop and look for a change. My ordinary 5 minute trip inside took two hours and several hundred dollars.
I found the items I needed first, I had a pack of disposable razors, a couple of two-liters of Diet Sludge Cola, and a fresh can of Skank-Off Deodorant. But as I was heading to the check-out counter, I began noticing some new items adorning the shelves.
First, there were 'personal massagers.' Advertised as Quiet and Powerful, they came in a wide array of colors, shapes and sizes. Most were rechargeable and lightweight. There were long ones, short ones ('Bullets') and even one that lit-up and played music (Borello, I think).
If you happen to be into feet, there’s the Famous Freddie's Foot Spa (I'm not sure who Famous Freddie is, but the picture on the box looks like some 70's porn star with thick curly black hair and a moustache that could double as a barnacle scraper), and also the multi-head foot massager (four heads for you and your partner I suppose?). Or if you want to massage other parts of your body, you can find the Magic Five-Speed Massager. I read the package and saw that is was powered by a five speed Briggs and Straton Chainsaw engine. Woo Hoo! I spotted one massager that comes with a body warmer, and a few of them had some interesting bumps strategically placed on them. And there was one called the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder. WOW! This is not your mothers back massager!
From there, I sauntered down the lotion aisle. There were all sorts of lotions on the shelves. From the 'Travel Size' massage oils (in scents like Martian Moonlight, Malibu Marsh, and Lindsey Lowhand's Under-leg Special). I have no idea what any of those things smell like as I resisted the urge to check them out (although the Lindsey Lowhand one did peak my curiosity). Then it was onto the economy-size jugs of lotions. A liter bottle of lotion I spotted was called Coconut Cascade. After reading the bottle, it said to pour a liberal portion onto any area for instant arousal. Wow wee!
And then there are the lubricants. There were the warming kind, the tingling kind, the soothing kind, and one that was called Galactoglide, for anal use only. Galactoglide? Sounds like an Asteroid cream to me. I wonder if that should be used with the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder? Also, I didn't know these lubricants came in flavors. I saw flavors like pina colada,blueberry, cherry and watermelon. I didn’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell or taste good, but I suppose there are things in this life I am yet to be aware of.
From there I spotted something called Intimacy Gels. There was Strawberry, Orange, Lemon (that will put some pucker in you!) and my personal favorite: Chocolate. The Intimacy Gels come in regular and sugar-free. Hmm? Good sex should not lead to a trip to the dentist because of tooth decay, nor should it pack on the pounds just because you used too much.
And then there is the condom selection. Now I remember as a teenager feeling embarrassed as I attempted to by some cheap TroJoe Condoms. But now, there are as many varieties of condoms as the personal massagers. I saw ribbed and twisted, tropical-flavored (flavored condoms? Yuck!), studded, bumped, lumped and OMG style. I'm not sure what the OMG style really is, but I'm sure if I saw it, I'd go WTF? There were pink ones (maybe for Breast Cancer Awareness?), red ones, green ones, purple, blue, zebra-striped and polka-dotted ones too. And I saw one that had a vibrating ring (Maybe it was an OMG reject?).
Further down the aisle I saw that they even had handcuffs (the fuzzy and non-fuzzy kind), several brands of soft rope, hot waxes and my personal favorite, digital camcorders and tripods. Obviously to record your activities, whereas you'll be able to show the grand kids sometime in the future what Grandma and Grandpa did for fun back in the good old days.
And nothing says romance like candles. There were at least 6,000 candles on the shelves with fragrances such as Indian Moondance, Night on Wicked Mountain, and my personal favorite, Beach Bungho. Light enough of these candles around your bedroom for mood lighting and you'll run the risk of catching your house on fire from the added heat during sex. Kinky!
And just in case you get carried away with your nocturnal fun, they also have an entire shelf of various braces, stabilizers, hot and cold packs, muscle relaxers and pain creams for those sore spots the following morning.
Needless to say, the Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has changed a great deal since I was a kid. After $453.97 in purchases, I feel like a kid again. Of course, my lady friend has yet to see the stuff I bought. Boy, is she gonna be surprised!
As for the older customers who were looking at me like I was some pervert, you old women need to lighten up and buy some of this stuff to use on your husbands. Maybe they would spend more time at home and less time at Big Al's Titty Emporium!
And in Sporting News:
Local Sports Team Seeks Name Change
The Beaver Lick Youth Sports Counsel has asked for parents to be aware of a petition going around, asking them to help change the name of one of the high school teams. Currently the Beaver Lick All-Girls High School sports teams are named the Lady Lickers, with their mascot being a very large tongue. The Beaver Lick Sports Counsel is asking for the name to be changed to the Carpetmunchers, and in turn, changing the mascot to Lindsey Lohan.
The All Boys High School is currently not seeking a name change or a new mascot. They wish to remain known as the Lickers.
And now a message from one of our sponsors:
When you have a mighty thirst for something exotic, take Milo Days advice. Nothing tastes like Dingleberry Wine. It's the wine for non-discriminatory drinkers. And comes in quarts, gallons, or the convenient keg. And Dingleberry Wine is inexpensive too, making it affordable for the everyone, from the businessman, musician, or professional wino.
And Dingleberry Wine comes in four delicious flavors: Strawberry, Apple, Grape, and Chocolate.
Dingleberry Wine is hand-squeezed from fresh dingleberries, grown right here in Buzzardbait, KY.
So remember, if it ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt!
Disclaimer:
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after two or three bottles. Dingleberry's Wine has been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass being drug through water after a flood. Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following ingrediants: Aspertame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenyketonurics, small undigested pieces of putrid meat, wads of partially used toilet paper, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and flavorings.
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been deemed hazardous to your health. The following can and will more than likely occur: Blurred vision; Erratic behavior; Mood swings; Memory loss; Hallucinations; Projectile vomiting; Explosive diarrhea; Loss of all motor control; Convulsions; Blood in the stool, on the couch and/or recliner; Hairy Tongue Syndrome (HTS); Complete and sudden death and dry mouth. Not to mention a really shitty aftertaste.
And a reminder: Never drink and drive, operate heavy equipment, nor attempt to operate on another human being without the aid of a medical professional. Remember to drink responsibly and never, ever stop drinking Dingleberry Wine, no matter what these twerps have told you!
Local Store Adds New Items
From the first visit I made to this store as a child, I can tell you a lot of things have changed over the years. Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has seen plenty of changes in its 85 years in business, but the changes to the store lately have concerned many older customers. The sign in the window stated: Under New Management. So I assume that the old management retired to sunny Florida, or the Buzzardbait Elderly Dykes Home.
Normally, when I head into the store, I'm there for a specific reason. When I was a kid, it was comic books (Captain CaCa and his Transgendered Friends; Spidery-Guy; The Flasher, The Green Horny, etc,) and of course, the candy. But as an adult, my needs have changed. I now go there for deodorant and shaving cream, aspirin and sodas. But this last visit to the store made me actually stop and look for a change. My ordinary 5 minute trip inside took two hours and several hundred dollars.
I found the items I needed first, I had a pack of disposable razors, a couple of two-liters of Diet Sludge Cola, and a fresh can of Skank-Off Deodorant. But as I was heading to the check-out counter, I began noticing some new items adorning the shelves.
First, there were 'personal massagers.' Advertised as Quiet and Powerful, they came in a wide array of colors, shapes and sizes. Most were rechargeable and lightweight. There were long ones, short ones ('Bullets') and even one that lit-up and played music (Borello, I think).
If you happen to be into feet, there’s the Famous Freddie's Foot Spa (I'm not sure who Famous Freddie is, but the picture on the box looks like some 70's porn star with thick curly black hair and a moustache that could double as a barnacle scraper), and also the multi-head foot massager (four heads for you and your partner I suppose?). Or if you want to massage other parts of your body, you can find the Magic Five-Speed Massager. I read the package and saw that is was powered by a five speed Briggs and Straton Chainsaw engine. Woo Hoo! I spotted one massager that comes with a body warmer, and a few of them had some interesting bumps strategically placed on them. And there was one called the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder. WOW! This is not your mothers back massager!
From there, I sauntered down the lotion aisle. There were all sorts of lotions on the shelves. From the 'Travel Size' massage oils (in scents like Martian Moonlight, Malibu Marsh, and Lindsey Lowhand's Under-leg Special). I have no idea what any of those things smell like as I resisted the urge to check them out (although the Lindsey Lowhand one did peak my curiosity). Then it was onto the economy-size jugs of lotions. A liter bottle of lotion I spotted was called Coconut Cascade. After reading the bottle, it said to pour a liberal portion onto any area for instant arousal. Wow wee!
And then there are the lubricants. There were the warming kind, the tingling kind, the soothing kind, and one that was called Galactoglide, for anal use only. Galactoglide? Sounds like an Asteroid cream to me. I wonder if that should be used with the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder? Also, I didn't know these lubricants came in flavors. I saw flavors like pina colada,blueberry, cherry and watermelon. I didn’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell or taste good, but I suppose there are things in this life I am yet to be aware of.
From there I spotted something called Intimacy Gels. There was Strawberry, Orange, Lemon (that will put some pucker in you!) and my personal favorite: Chocolate. The Intimacy Gels come in regular and sugar-free. Hmm? Good sex should not lead to a trip to the dentist because of tooth decay, nor should it pack on the pounds just because you used too much.
And then there is the condom selection. Now I remember as a teenager feeling embarrassed as I attempted to by some cheap TroJoe Condoms. But now, there are as many varieties of condoms as the personal massagers. I saw ribbed and twisted, tropical-flavored (flavored condoms? Yuck!), studded, bumped, lumped and OMG style. I'm not sure what the OMG style really is, but I'm sure if I saw it, I'd go WTF? There were pink ones (maybe for Breast Cancer Awareness?), red ones, green ones, purple, blue, zebra-striped and polka-dotted ones too. And I saw one that had a vibrating ring (Maybe it was an OMG reject?).
Further down the aisle I saw that they even had handcuffs (the fuzzy and non-fuzzy kind), several brands of soft rope, hot waxes and my personal favorite, digital camcorders and tripods. Obviously to record your activities, whereas you'll be able to show the grand kids sometime in the future what Grandma and Grandpa did for fun back in the good old days.
And nothing says romance like candles. There were at least 6,000 candles on the shelves with fragrances such as Indian Moondance, Night on Wicked Mountain, and my personal favorite, Beach Bungho. Light enough of these candles around your bedroom for mood lighting and you'll run the risk of catching your house on fire from the added heat during sex. Kinky!
And just in case you get carried away with your nocturnal fun, they also have an entire shelf of various braces, stabilizers, hot and cold packs, muscle relaxers and pain creams for those sore spots the following morning.
Needless to say, the Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has changed a great deal since I was a kid. After $453.97 in purchases, I feel like a kid again. Of course, my lady friend has yet to see the stuff I bought. Boy, is she gonna be surprised!
As for the older customers who were looking at me like I was some pervert, you old women need to lighten up and buy some of this stuff to use on your husbands. Maybe they would spend more time at home and less time at Big Al's Titty Emporium!
And in Sporting News:
Local Sports Team Seeks Name Change
The Beaver Lick Youth Sports Counsel has asked for parents to be aware of a petition going around, asking them to help change the name of one of the high school teams. Currently the Beaver Lick All-Girls High School sports teams are named the Lady Lickers, with their mascot being a very large tongue. The Beaver Lick Sports Counsel is asking for the name to be changed to the Carpetmunchers, and in turn, changing the mascot to Lindsey Lohan.
The All Boys High School is currently not seeking a name change or a new mascot. They wish to remain known as the Lickers.
And now a message from one of our sponsors:
When you have a mighty thirst for something exotic, take Milo Days advice. Nothing tastes like Dingleberry Wine. It's the wine for non-discriminatory drinkers. And comes in quarts, gallons, or the convenient keg. And Dingleberry Wine is inexpensive too, making it affordable for the everyone, from the businessman, musician, or professional wino.
And Dingleberry Wine comes in four delicious flavors: Strawberry, Apple, Grape, and Chocolate.
Dingleberry Wine is hand-squeezed from fresh dingleberries, grown right here in Buzzardbait, KY.
So remember, if it ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt!
Disclaimer:
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after two or three bottles. Dingleberry's Wine has been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass being drug through water after a flood. Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following ingrediants: Aspertame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenyketonurics, small undigested pieces of putrid meat, wads of partially used toilet paper, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and flavorings.
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been deemed hazardous to your health. The following can and will more than likely occur: Blurred vision; Erratic behavior; Mood swings; Memory loss; Hallucinations; Projectile vomiting; Explosive diarrhea; Loss of all motor control; Convulsions; Blood in the stool, on the couch and/or recliner; Hairy Tongue Syndrome (HTS); Complete and sudden death and dry mouth. Not to mention a really shitty aftertaste.
And a reminder: Never drink and drive, operate heavy equipment, nor attempt to operate on another human being without the aid of a medical professional. Remember to drink responsibly and never, ever stop drinking Dingleberry Wine, no matter what these twerps have told you!
Monday, October 18, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Monday 10/18/2010
THIS WEEK IN MUSIC...
A sampling of some of the CD's hitting the Buzzardbait Music store this week.
The Baddest Blues-man from Buzzardbait is at it again. Milo Days just released his 57th album in 10 years, entitled: This is da Blues, Baby! It consist of 18 tracks that are guaranteed to have you drinkin' and bluesin' just like old Milo. The title song, This is da Blues, Baby is probably the best Milo has done since his first CD, I gots Dem I needs Sum Money Blues!
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Also new in stores this week Is Lil Pimperoo's debut CD, Bitches and Hocakes. For those of you who like your music Hip-hopped, this will fill the bill. The title song, Bitches and Hocakes is good, but the second track, Let's Butcher Whitey and Feed him to da Dawgs is pure Lil Pimperoo!
Country Boys On Dope has released their second CD, The Bar I Grew Up In! This is the follow-up to last year's debut CD, I Missed The Bus. 'The Bar I Grew Up In' is a bittersweet Country song that reminds me of my days in the bar I grew up in. The rest of the CD is pretty much crap, but if you're drinking, you won't notice.
Foreign Models, the Japanese girl band releases their Latest CD called, I Gotta Go NOW! It's a techno-lovers dream, and if you understand Japanese, you might understand the lyrics too!
Justin Biejerk releases his latest pre-teen (Pwetween)CD, Daddy's Little Girls. Honestly, I hated this CD. I thought the entire thing was a waste of valuable time, money and effort. Justin should grow some pubes before trying to sing about crap he has yet to experience!
Just when I thought modern music was dead, someone comes along and proves me right. The Tailgaters, Are you following me? is by far, the worst CD I have even had the displeasure of listening to. All 9 tracks have the same beat, monotonous vocals, and some guy who thinks beating the guitar with a hammer constitutes playing. The record label obviously consists of tone deaf, money-wasting idiots. I predict this one will be on the clearance racks in a week!
Now here's a country artists that knows how to sell a CD. Tammy Whynott's latest, Don't Come Home a Drinkin' With Tuna on Your Breath! is pure country at it's absolute finest. Ms. Whynott's voice is as good as ever. She sounds like a woman who smokes three packs of Camels a day and chugs at least a case of beer before each recording session. A great choice if you're in the market for forgettable music!
And finally, Anita Blojobb's Comedy CD hits the stores this week. The CD, Wrap Your Lips Around This! is about as funny as her last CD, but not as good as her first, which wasn't all that good to begin with. This woman needs to go back into retail and STFU!
THIS WEEK IN MUSIC...
A sampling of some of the CD's hitting the Buzzardbait Music store this week.
The Baddest Blues-man from Buzzardbait is at it again. Milo Days just released his 57th album in 10 years, entitled: This is da Blues, Baby! It consist of 18 tracks that are guaranteed to have you drinkin' and bluesin' just like old Milo. The title song, This is da Blues, Baby is probably the best Milo has done since his first CD, I gots Dem I needs Sum Money Blues!
.jpg)
Also new in stores this week Is Lil Pimperoo's debut CD, Bitches and Hocakes. For those of you who like your music Hip-hopped, this will fill the bill. The title song, Bitches and Hocakes is good, but the second track, Let's Butcher Whitey and Feed him to da Dawgs is pure Lil Pimperoo!
Country Boys On Dope has released their second CD, The Bar I Grew Up In! This is the follow-up to last year's debut CD, I Missed The Bus. 'The Bar I Grew Up In' is a bittersweet Country song that reminds me of my days in the bar I grew up in. The rest of the CD is pretty much crap, but if you're drinking, you won't notice.
Foreign Models, the Japanese girl band releases their Latest CD called, I Gotta Go NOW! It's a techno-lovers dream, and if you understand Japanese, you might understand the lyrics too!
Justin Biejerk releases his latest pre-teen (Pwetween)CD, Daddy's Little Girls. Honestly, I hated this CD. I thought the entire thing was a waste of valuable time, money and effort. Justin should grow some pubes before trying to sing about crap he has yet to experience!
Just when I thought modern music was dead, someone comes along and proves me right. The Tailgaters, Are you following me? is by far, the worst CD I have even had the displeasure of listening to. All 9 tracks have the same beat, monotonous vocals, and some guy who thinks beating the guitar with a hammer constitutes playing. The record label obviously consists of tone deaf, money-wasting idiots. I predict this one will be on the clearance racks in a week!
Now here's a country artists that knows how to sell a CD. Tammy Whynott's latest, Don't Come Home a Drinkin' With Tuna on Your Breath! is pure country at it's absolute finest. Ms. Whynott's voice is as good as ever. She sounds like a woman who smokes three packs of Camels a day and chugs at least a case of beer before each recording session. A great choice if you're in the market for forgettable music!
And finally, Anita Blojobb's Comedy CD hits the stores this week. The CD, Wrap Your Lips Around This! is about as funny as her last CD, but not as good as her first, which wasn't all that good to begin with. This woman needs to go back into retail and STFU!
Friday, October 15, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Friday 10/15/2010
The Curious Urinal Interview:
Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey.
You probably don't know it, but local celebrity, Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey has seen his share of ups and downs over the years. In fact, sitting down with the megastar, he recounts his life in the business in this exclusive interview.
When we sat down last week to chat, Stinky had just arrived back in town. His work had taken him away from his home at the Buzzardbait Zoo for a few weeks. In that time, he shot his scenes for three upcoming feature films set for release next year. We asked him about the films and he said:
Stinky: “I can't talk about them due to contractual concerns. But next year, Stinky is back with a vengeance! That I can guarantee.”
CU: “So what can you tell us about your career that no one knows?”
Stinky: “Where to begin? Well, I suppose that A Chimpanzee Christmas Story was my break-out film. I played Ralphy, that adorable little monkey that wanted the Red Rider Banana Gun for Christmas. It wasn't easy to play the role, having no acting experience, but I muddled through it and that movie has since become a classic.”
CU: “What about the next film?”
Stinky: “Who Framed Chester Chimp? Now that was a funny movie. I was four years old and had two lines in the entire film. I still remember them too!”
CU: “What were they?”
Stinky: “'Where's my banana?' and 'Who wants some poo?'”
CU: “That was back in the days before you took your stage name?”
Stinky: “Yeah. I was just known as Stinky back then.”
CU: “So what happened from there?”
Stinky: “I got parts in several films back in the '80's that were pretty much standard roles. I was the boy monkey in Little Shop of Bananas. I had a small part in The Velveteen Chimp. Then I finally got to play a bigger role. The Great Monkey Caper made me a star, I suppose. From there, the roles came often.”
CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”
Stinky: “Please.”
CU: “Go on.”
Stinky: “I got a part in the epic Escape from New York Zoo. I was the bad ass kid that beat the snot out of Snake before he killed me. Then The Monkey Pit came along. I almost turned it down until I found out Tom Yanks was in it.”
CU: “Good actor!”
Stinky: “Very! After that – thanks for the banana smoothie – after that, I landed the plumb role of a lifetime. I was the star finally. Indiana Chimp and The Last Banana was the role of a lifetime. I got to be the hero and get the girl... And the banana too!”
CU: “That was a great movie!”
Stinky: “Thank you. After that, the roles kept coming in. I was in Robin Hood: Chimps in Tights. I played Friar Monk in that. Then there was When Harry met Stinky. Oh, now that was a fun movie to make!”
CU: “Again teaming up with Tom Yanks.”
Stinky: “Yes. He's great! After that, I was in An Officer and a Chimpanzee with Richard Gearbox. Then came Romancing the Ape, Repo Chimp, Gorillas in the Midst, The Color of Monkey with Paul Numman and Tom Clues... And then there's my personal favorite, Stinky and the Bandit! with Dirk Biddles.”
CU: And that ended the '80's in style!”
Stinky: “Yes. But that was when I started drinking too much. You know how Hollywood is? It's one big party and I got caught up in it all.”
CU: “But that was also when you did some of your best work.”
Stinky: “Well, yes. But I have to admit that it was difficult to get through the long shoots and the changes that I was going through personally. I was in my teens and partying into the wee hours with my friends, and I didn't show up for days at a time to film my parts.”
CU: “How bad was it?”
Stinky: “Well, I got to work with Tom Yanks yet again in Forrest Chimp. But I think he knew I was in trouble. He suggested I lay off the sauce and refocus my energy toward the movies. I tried so hard. I did Chimp Fiction with John Revolta and Samual L. Jackya, but I was partying so hard with Uma Furmann, that I lost sight of the fact that the director was unhappy with my work. Most of my scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. My part went from a large part to that of a supporting actor, and from there it was all downhill.”
CU: “You still worked though?”
Stinky: “Yes. I was in Silence of the Chimps. My favorite role in the '90's. I remember the line that made millions squeamish, 'I ate his liver... With some fava beans and a banana smoothie.' That was a delicious role. I actually was sober for most of that movie because of the intensity of the character.”
CU: “But that was when everything changed?”
Stinky: “Yes. After that, I did one other really decent film. The Cable Chimp with Jim Furry. But he and I didn't get along very well, and I began drinking openly and became very unpredictable. I began throwing poo most every day, and I was black-balled because I was such an ass to work with. And from there, the roles became fewer and far between. There was Tales of the Chimp, which was a really bad movie. After that, I did Attack of the Killer Bananas and And that stupid Biznee flick, That Darn Chimp. After that no one really wanted to have me in their films at all.”
CU: “So you went into TV?”
Stinky: “Yeah. That was a bad time too. I was drunk most of the time. I ended up as a semi-regular on Teenage Mutant Ninja Monkeys for a time. But I cold-cocked the director one day for knocking my drink over.”
CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”
Stinky: “Thank you. These are really good.”
CU: “So, you were saying?”
Stinky: “Right. I was kicked off the set of the Mutant Monkeys show and got lucky and landed a small part in The Telemonkeys. But again, I got drunk on the set and they stuck me in C.A.”
CU: “C.A.?”
Stinky: “Chimpanzees Anonymous. It took some time, but I started to dry out. But I had a relapse on the set of The Mighty Morphin Power Monkeys and ended up in rehab. Six weeks of drying out and I came out clean and sober. From there, I landed a part that started to make my star shine again. Stinky and the Brain. I did two seasons of that before it was canceled. I felt really bad about that too, because it was a great little show. But the audience just wasn't there. The ratings sucked and that was it.”
CU: “Did you start drinking again?”
Stinky: “Big time. I was drinking Banana Daiquiris right and left. I was once again in denial and was trying to show the world my talent at the same time. I landed a role on a soap opera and I did that for a little while. Here I had been a major star and had sunk to the lowest point in my career doing a freakin' soap opera!”
CU: “You won a Daytime Emmy for your role though!”
Stinky: “I played the drunk on As the Chimp Turns. It wasn't a hard part to play. I simply fooled everyone by saying that I stayed in character all of the time. But when they discovered I was really drinking, they fired me on the spot! The last TV show I was on after that was Circus of the Network Has-Beens. From there, I disappeared into a bottle for a few years.”
CU: “What happened to change your life?”
Stinky: “Tom Yanks found me living under a viaduct one day as he was driving around in his sports car. He got me into the car and took me to rehab and paid to have me go through it. It was like he really wanted me to be free of the demon that had possessed me. And I owe him big time too!”
CU: “So now we are into the new century. You are clean and sober again, but something changed to turn your acting career in a new direction?”
Stinky: “Right. I met a young actor/rapper named Will Smiff. He was working on a movie and he told me that I had been the reason he wanted to be an actor in the first place. He saw me in Indiana Chimp and thought I was da bomb! He got the director to cast me in a film he was doing called Chimps In Black! From there, things started to roll again. But I decided that Stinky wasn't going to be just another comeback actor like Robert Downme Jr. I did something in that movie that got a lot of laughs, so I incorporated it into my stage name. It's a gimmick, but it works pretty well for me.”
CU: And Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey was the result!”
Stinky: “Exactly. And after that, I have been busy. I did all three of the Star Warped movies, the Chimptastic Four, and have done tons of TV shows too. Monkey Legal was fun. William Splatner is a hoot to work with. Then I was on Chimplock with Andy Grippit for several episodes. But the movies are my first love, so I concentrated more on that. I got to work with Tom Yanks again on his mega-hit film, The Chimpvinci Code, and worked with Will Smiff again on Independence Ape. I was the Chief in Chimpman Begins, and did a couple of the Harry Pothead movies too. And now, here I am, just off the plane and back for a vacation after filming three different movies. One of which will be big box office, I'm sure!”
CU: “I heard rumors that one of those films was The Chimpvengers movie!”
Stinky: “You heard right. But like I said, I can't really speak of the new ones yet. But I'll let you know when the press junkets begin, so you can get the interview when I'm allowed to talk about them. Besides, my agent would kill me if I did something crazy like that.”
CU: “B.A. Gorilla is still your agent, right?”
Stinky: Bad Ass is still my agent, and will continue in that role for as long as I can act.”
CU: “Stinky, I want to thank you for sitting down with me today.”
Stinky: “Could I get another Banana Smoothie before you go. These are damned good!”
CU: “Sure.”
The Curious Urinal Interview:
Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey.
You probably don't know it, but local celebrity, Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey has seen his share of ups and downs over the years. In fact, sitting down with the megastar, he recounts his life in the business in this exclusive interview.
When we sat down last week to chat, Stinky had just arrived back in town. His work had taken him away from his home at the Buzzardbait Zoo for a few weeks. In that time, he shot his scenes for three upcoming feature films set for release next year. We asked him about the films and he said:
Stinky: “I can't talk about them due to contractual concerns. But next year, Stinky is back with a vengeance! That I can guarantee.”
CU: “So what can you tell us about your career that no one knows?”
Stinky: “Where to begin? Well, I suppose that A Chimpanzee Christmas Story was my break-out film. I played Ralphy, that adorable little monkey that wanted the Red Rider Banana Gun for Christmas. It wasn't easy to play the role, having no acting experience, but I muddled through it and that movie has since become a classic.”
CU: “What about the next film?”
Stinky: “Who Framed Chester Chimp? Now that was a funny movie. I was four years old and had two lines in the entire film. I still remember them too!”
CU: “What were they?”
Stinky: “'Where's my banana?' and 'Who wants some poo?'”
CU: “That was back in the days before you took your stage name?”
Stinky: “Yeah. I was just known as Stinky back then.”
CU: “So what happened from there?”
Stinky: “I got parts in several films back in the '80's that were pretty much standard roles. I was the boy monkey in Little Shop of Bananas. I had a small part in The Velveteen Chimp. Then I finally got to play a bigger role. The Great Monkey Caper made me a star, I suppose. From there, the roles came often.”
CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”
Stinky: “Please.”
CU: “Go on.”
Stinky: “I got a part in the epic Escape from New York Zoo. I was the bad ass kid that beat the snot out of Snake before he killed me. Then The Monkey Pit came along. I almost turned it down until I found out Tom Yanks was in it.”
CU: “Good actor!”
Stinky: “Very! After that – thanks for the banana smoothie – after that, I landed the plumb role of a lifetime. I was the star finally. Indiana Chimp and The Last Banana was the role of a lifetime. I got to be the hero and get the girl... And the banana too!”
CU: “That was a great movie!”
Stinky: “Thank you. After that, the roles kept coming in. I was in Robin Hood: Chimps in Tights. I played Friar Monk in that. Then there was When Harry met Stinky. Oh, now that was a fun movie to make!”
CU: “Again teaming up with Tom Yanks.”
Stinky: “Yes. He's great! After that, I was in An Officer and a Chimpanzee with Richard Gearbox. Then came Romancing the Ape, Repo Chimp, Gorillas in the Midst, The Color of Monkey with Paul Numman and Tom Clues... And then there's my personal favorite, Stinky and the Bandit! with Dirk Biddles.”
CU: And that ended the '80's in style!”
Stinky: “Yes. But that was when I started drinking too much. You know how Hollywood is? It's one big party and I got caught up in it all.”
CU: “But that was also when you did some of your best work.”
Stinky: “Well, yes. But I have to admit that it was difficult to get through the long shoots and the changes that I was going through personally. I was in my teens and partying into the wee hours with my friends, and I didn't show up for days at a time to film my parts.”
CU: “How bad was it?”
Stinky: “Well, I got to work with Tom Yanks yet again in Forrest Chimp. But I think he knew I was in trouble. He suggested I lay off the sauce and refocus my energy toward the movies. I tried so hard. I did Chimp Fiction with John Revolta and Samual L. Jackya, but I was partying so hard with Uma Furmann, that I lost sight of the fact that the director was unhappy with my work. Most of my scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. My part went from a large part to that of a supporting actor, and from there it was all downhill.”
CU: “You still worked though?”
Stinky: “Yes. I was in Silence of the Chimps. My favorite role in the '90's. I remember the line that made millions squeamish, 'I ate his liver... With some fava beans and a banana smoothie.' That was a delicious role. I actually was sober for most of that movie because of the intensity of the character.”
CU: “But that was when everything changed?”
Stinky: “Yes. After that, I did one other really decent film. The Cable Chimp with Jim Furry. But he and I didn't get along very well, and I began drinking openly and became very unpredictable. I began throwing poo most every day, and I was black-balled because I was such an ass to work with. And from there, the roles became fewer and far between. There was Tales of the Chimp, which was a really bad movie. After that, I did Attack of the Killer Bananas and And that stupid Biznee flick, That Darn Chimp. After that no one really wanted to have me in their films at all.”
CU: “So you went into TV?”
Stinky: “Yeah. That was a bad time too. I was drunk most of the time. I ended up as a semi-regular on Teenage Mutant Ninja Monkeys for a time. But I cold-cocked the director one day for knocking my drink over.”
CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”
Stinky: “Thank you. These are really good.”
CU: “So, you were saying?”
Stinky: “Right. I was kicked off the set of the Mutant Monkeys show and got lucky and landed a small part in The Telemonkeys. But again, I got drunk on the set and they stuck me in C.A.”
CU: “C.A.?”
Stinky: “Chimpanzees Anonymous. It took some time, but I started to dry out. But I had a relapse on the set of The Mighty Morphin Power Monkeys and ended up in rehab. Six weeks of drying out and I came out clean and sober. From there, I landed a part that started to make my star shine again. Stinky and the Brain. I did two seasons of that before it was canceled. I felt really bad about that too, because it was a great little show. But the audience just wasn't there. The ratings sucked and that was it.”
CU: “Did you start drinking again?”
Stinky: “Big time. I was drinking Banana Daiquiris right and left. I was once again in denial and was trying to show the world my talent at the same time. I landed a role on a soap opera and I did that for a little while. Here I had been a major star and had sunk to the lowest point in my career doing a freakin' soap opera!”
CU: “You won a Daytime Emmy for your role though!”
Stinky: “I played the drunk on As the Chimp Turns. It wasn't a hard part to play. I simply fooled everyone by saying that I stayed in character all of the time. But when they discovered I was really drinking, they fired me on the spot! The last TV show I was on after that was Circus of the Network Has-Beens. From there, I disappeared into a bottle for a few years.”
CU: “What happened to change your life?”
Stinky: “Tom Yanks found me living under a viaduct one day as he was driving around in his sports car. He got me into the car and took me to rehab and paid to have me go through it. It was like he really wanted me to be free of the demon that had possessed me. And I owe him big time too!”
CU: “So now we are into the new century. You are clean and sober again, but something changed to turn your acting career in a new direction?”
Stinky: “Right. I met a young actor/rapper named Will Smiff. He was working on a movie and he told me that I had been the reason he wanted to be an actor in the first place. He saw me in Indiana Chimp and thought I was da bomb! He got the director to cast me in a film he was doing called Chimps In Black! From there, things started to roll again. But I decided that Stinky wasn't going to be just another comeback actor like Robert Downme Jr. I did something in that movie that got a lot of laughs, so I incorporated it into my stage name. It's a gimmick, but it works pretty well for me.”
CU: And Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey was the result!”
Stinky: “Exactly. And after that, I have been busy. I did all three of the Star Warped movies, the Chimptastic Four, and have done tons of TV shows too. Monkey Legal was fun. William Splatner is a hoot to work with. Then I was on Chimplock with Andy Grippit for several episodes. But the movies are my first love, so I concentrated more on that. I got to work with Tom Yanks again on his mega-hit film, The Chimpvinci Code, and worked with Will Smiff again on Independence Ape. I was the Chief in Chimpman Begins, and did a couple of the Harry Pothead movies too. And now, here I am, just off the plane and back for a vacation after filming three different movies. One of which will be big box office, I'm sure!”
CU: “I heard rumors that one of those films was The Chimpvengers movie!”
Stinky: “You heard right. But like I said, I can't really speak of the new ones yet. But I'll let you know when the press junkets begin, so you can get the interview when I'm allowed to talk about them. Besides, my agent would kill me if I did something crazy like that.”
CU: “B.A. Gorilla is still your agent, right?”
Stinky: Bad Ass is still my agent, and will continue in that role for as long as I can act.”
CU: “Stinky, I want to thank you for sitting down with me today.”
Stinky: “Could I get another Banana Smoothie before you go. These are damned good!”
CU: “Sure.”
Thursday, October 14, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Thursday 10/14/2010
Letters to the Editor
Dear Sirs/Madame's,
In a recent article, you mentioned that Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center was hiring for a position in shrubbery. Did I misunderstand? I went to apply for the position, yet they said that they were not hiring. Mark Mudflap, Poon Point, KY.
Mark,
The article read, “Henry Hyrum, a patient at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, was arrested for trying to perform a sex act with the shrubbery at the Lawn Care portion of the business. The position he was trying to use is now being called the Hyrum Hump by the Buzzardbait Police Department.” Sorry if this caused you any undo trouble in your job search.
Dear Editor,
I was interested in a delivery route job with the Curious Urinal. To whom do I speak with in Human Resources to secure an interview?
Justen Sloth, Big Mounds, KY.
Jutsen,
We are an “Online Newspaper” and not a print newspaper. It would be hard to deliver the “Online Newspaper” into a paper box. Maybe you should invest in some further education before you go off trying to secure a job. Buzzardbait University has classes in basket weaving and lawn ornament painting that you might look into.
Mr. Editor,
You seem to have a vast knowledge of all things Buzzardbait. But I bet you didn't know that Buzzardbait wasn't the original name of the town. What was the original name, if your so danged smart?
Arthur Aspwiper, Hooter Heights, KY
Arthur,
The original name for Buzzardbait was Vulture Vomit, but some old twit decided that she didn't like the word Vomit used in connection to the name, thus Buzzardbait became the new name of the town! And since the story just came out yesterday, I'm sure that you read it and decided that you could outsmart me. You must know that I am all-powerful, all-seeing, omnipotent and one hell of a horizontal dancer!
Hey Editor,
I came across an article about something that I'm not sure what it means. Can you tell me why this might be the case? And if so, what can be done about it?
Bill Farnswaggler, Aureole Acres, KY
Hey Bill... Huh?
Sirs,
In regard to the previous letter: What the hell was he even talking about?
I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights, KY.
I.M., I wish I knew.
To the Editor,
Yesterday I took a crap on your paper. It was the best thing I have seen coming from your rag in a very long time!
Name withheld by request, Lousyville, KY.
At least you're paper trained... Oh, btw, Can you see your computer screen now?
Sirs,
I recently read the article about the Buzzardbait Zoo acquiring new attractions. I was the person who located the Meerkat. To correct your obvious attempt at making me out to be some animal hater, I did not shoot the thing with a pellet gun... It was buckshot! Secondly, I did put the animal in a bag, but I did not use a baseball bat on it to “calm it down” as you suggested. I used the butt end of the shotgun to whip the shit out of that thing! It's obvious that your reporter was suggesting that I would hurt the animal just because I could. The reality was that I hurt the animal because it looked like my ex-wife's mother when she came out of the bathroom after a prolonged squat on the throne. I had a flashback and grabbed my shotgun because of that, nothing more. Please, in the future, get your facts straight!
“Greasy” Louis Oozenoil, Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes, Buzzardbait, KY.
Sorry about that, Louie
Send your letters to us and you may see your letter published.
And now a word from one of our valued sponsors:
Tired of the same old snacks? In need of something different? Something that's all-natural and loaded with essential proteins you body needs?
Then try New Penguin Balls!.jpg)
They're the frozen snack treat that's sweeping the nation. They're all-natural, with no artificial flavorings. Just pure Penguin Balls, lovingly coated with fructose. And they come in three delicious flavors: Milk Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Meat. These frozen treats are sure to please even the most discriminating taste.
And remember, when you buy Penguin Balls, you're helping to stamp out the overpopulation of penguins in the Antarctic.
So next time you're looking for something different... Try New Penguin Balls!
Disclaimer:
Penguin Balls are made with real Antarctic penguin testicles, cut off at the peak of their sexual prime. These penguins will now waddle with less of a purpose, with nothing hindering them from leading normal, happy lives. They will be free of reproduction and family problems. These eunuch penguins will just swim and eat fish all day, unencumbered by sins of the flesh.
Also, the milk chocolate and peanut butter coatings are artificially flavored. We say it's all-natural, but hey, who has time to actually read the ingredients? In addition, Penguin Balls may contain the following: Sorbic Acid, Aspartame, extremely high levels of sugar (550% of you daily requirement), Corpsedia, Sodium Vibrofoam, less than 3% rodent hair and/or feces, Canine bile (for color) Lemon Beet extract and Tobacco-flavored cumquat juice.
Penguin Balls are a trademark of Consolidated Cybernetics Corp. of America (CCCofA) LLC, Buzzardbait, KY.
Letters to the Editor
Dear Sirs/Madame's,
In a recent article, you mentioned that Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center was hiring for a position in shrubbery. Did I misunderstand? I went to apply for the position, yet they said that they were not hiring. Mark Mudflap, Poon Point, KY.
Mark,
The article read, “Henry Hyrum, a patient at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, was arrested for trying to perform a sex act with the shrubbery at the Lawn Care portion of the business. The position he was trying to use is now being called the Hyrum Hump by the Buzzardbait Police Department.” Sorry if this caused you any undo trouble in your job search.
Dear Editor,
I was interested in a delivery route job with the Curious Urinal. To whom do I speak with in Human Resources to secure an interview?
Justen Sloth, Big Mounds, KY.
Jutsen,
We are an “Online Newspaper” and not a print newspaper. It would be hard to deliver the “Online Newspaper” into a paper box. Maybe you should invest in some further education before you go off trying to secure a job. Buzzardbait University has classes in basket weaving and lawn ornament painting that you might look into.
Mr. Editor,
You seem to have a vast knowledge of all things Buzzardbait. But I bet you didn't know that Buzzardbait wasn't the original name of the town. What was the original name, if your so danged smart?
Arthur Aspwiper, Hooter Heights, KY
Arthur,
The original name for Buzzardbait was Vulture Vomit, but some old twit decided that she didn't like the word Vomit used in connection to the name, thus Buzzardbait became the new name of the town! And since the story just came out yesterday, I'm sure that you read it and decided that you could outsmart me. You must know that I am all-powerful, all-seeing, omnipotent and one hell of a horizontal dancer!
Hey Editor,
I came across an article about something that I'm not sure what it means. Can you tell me why this might be the case? And if so, what can be done about it?
Bill Farnswaggler, Aureole Acres, KY
Hey Bill... Huh?
Sirs,
In regard to the previous letter: What the hell was he even talking about?
I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights, KY.
I.M., I wish I knew.
To the Editor,
Yesterday I took a crap on your paper. It was the best thing I have seen coming from your rag in a very long time!
Name withheld by request, Lousyville, KY.
At least you're paper trained... Oh, btw, Can you see your computer screen now?
Sirs,
I recently read the article about the Buzzardbait Zoo acquiring new attractions. I was the person who located the Meerkat. To correct your obvious attempt at making me out to be some animal hater, I did not shoot the thing with a pellet gun... It was buckshot! Secondly, I did put the animal in a bag, but I did not use a baseball bat on it to “calm it down” as you suggested. I used the butt end of the shotgun to whip the shit out of that thing! It's obvious that your reporter was suggesting that I would hurt the animal just because I could. The reality was that I hurt the animal because it looked like my ex-wife's mother when she came out of the bathroom after a prolonged squat on the throne. I had a flashback and grabbed my shotgun because of that, nothing more. Please, in the future, get your facts straight!
“Greasy” Louis Oozenoil, Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes, Buzzardbait, KY.
Sorry about that, Louie
Send your letters to us and you may see your letter published.
And now a word from one of our valued sponsors:
Tired of the same old snacks? In need of something different? Something that's all-natural and loaded with essential proteins you body needs?
Then try New Penguin Balls!
.jpg)
They're the frozen snack treat that's sweeping the nation. They're all-natural, with no artificial flavorings. Just pure Penguin Balls, lovingly coated with fructose. And they come in three delicious flavors: Milk Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Meat. These frozen treats are sure to please even the most discriminating taste.
And remember, when you buy Penguin Balls, you're helping to stamp out the overpopulation of penguins in the Antarctic.
So next time you're looking for something different... Try New Penguin Balls!
Disclaimer:
Penguin Balls are made with real Antarctic penguin testicles, cut off at the peak of their sexual prime. These penguins will now waddle with less of a purpose, with nothing hindering them from leading normal, happy lives. They will be free of reproduction and family problems. These eunuch penguins will just swim and eat fish all day, unencumbered by sins of the flesh.
Also, the milk chocolate and peanut butter coatings are artificially flavored. We say it's all-natural, but hey, who has time to actually read the ingredients? In addition, Penguin Balls may contain the following: Sorbic Acid, Aspartame, extremely high levels of sugar (550% of you daily requirement), Corpsedia, Sodium Vibrofoam, less than 3% rodent hair and/or feces, Canine bile (for color) Lemon Beet extract and Tobacco-flavored cumquat juice.
Penguin Balls are a trademark of Consolidated Cybernetics Corp. of America (CCCofA) LLC, Buzzardbait, KY.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Wednesday 10/13/2010
Buzzardbait Zoo Set to Reopen
It's that time of year again. Yes, The Buzzardbait Zoo and Exotic Steakhouse is about to reopen for the 2010 visitor season. “This year looks to be better than ever!” Ivana Jercoff, Chief Operations Officer of the Buzzardbait Zoo stated before both reporters present at the press conference today.
“But before we can look forward to this year, we have to look back at last year.” She said with a bit of sadness. “Last year, we lost two of our most wonderful attractions. Ella the Elephant and Charlie the Cheetah. Although it was a loss for the Zoo, the Exotic Steakhouse had a banner year... Until the meat ran out, that is.” Ms. Jercoff was referring to the specials on elephant steaks and cheetah chowder the restaurant ran as part of the Remembrance Specials last season.
“But now, this year looks to be a banner year. As you know, last year we took in well over $300.00 in revenue from ticket sales and almost as much in refreshments. The beer sales alone counted for nearly $1,000,000 in revenue. This year we are planning on topping the numbers of visitors from 100 to 150 by holding Saturday Night at the Zoo promos. Visitors will be encouraged to come in on Saturday nights to see the animals as they sleep and take part in our first annual Name that Stool Contests. We will place a pile of animal feces out for display and visitors will pay $1.00 to guess which animal made it. All proceeds will go to help feed the animals. As you know, last year our budget for feeding the animals was reduced due to lack of interest by the public, so many of the animals simply starved, or ate one another to survive. That took our budget down greatly!”
“In addition, it opened valuable space for some newer, more exciting attractions to come to our little zoo!”Ms. Jercoff began displaying pictures of some of the newest residents of the Buzzardbait Zoo.
“This is Molly the Meerkat. She actually came to us locally. She was digging thru the dumpster at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes. After he shot it with a pellet gun, bagged it and beat it with a baseball bat to calm it down, he brought it here. We nursed it back to health and she'll be wonderful addition to out collection of wild animals.”
“This is Pervy. He's a naked Molerat. He was found outside Big Al's Titty Emporium, trying to get inside. After he had been stomped by some drunk trucker in cowboy boots, he was rushed here to get medical help. After six months of therapy, he's ready to make his debut in our zoo.”
“These are two Wonder Weasels. Frick and Frak are their names. And they are seen here in their natural state. Frick, the male, and Frak, the female, are in a perpetual state of mating. Wonder Weasels are rare and we here at the Buzzardbait Zoo are proud to have the pair!”
This is Barry the Money Rat. Money Rats are also rare. They run around, mostly in subway stations and fast food restaurants, picking up loose change to build their nest eggs with. Barry will be near the Wishing Well area, collecting any and all loose change from our visitors. Barry's going to be a fine addition to the zoo.”
“This is Lenny the Lion. Lenny's seen here right after a big meal. He ate one of our part-time feeders two weeks ago. We'll miss Howie, but Lenny was well worth the effort getting here. He comes to us from the Beddum and Bangem Circus. Lenny is going to be an exciting attraction!”
“And finally, the news we all have been so excited to share today...”
“Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey is making his triumphant return to the Buzzardbait Zoo. He recently had been in Hollywood, making several movies. He was in Honey, I Screwed-up the Furniture!
And he was also a major player in the Star Warped Movies, and recently did several episodes of Law and Disorder, playing one of the attorneys. You can see here that he is telling someone to read between the lines. I think that is a Hollywood thing!”
The press conference closed with Ivana Jercoff reminding everyone, “Don't forget to bring your cameras this year, as our pictures haven't sold worth shit, so take your own!”
Buzzardbait Zoo Set to Reopen
It's that time of year again. Yes, The Buzzardbait Zoo and Exotic Steakhouse is about to reopen for the 2010 visitor season. “This year looks to be better than ever!” Ivana Jercoff, Chief Operations Officer of the Buzzardbait Zoo stated before both reporters present at the press conference today.
“But before we can look forward to this year, we have to look back at last year.” She said with a bit of sadness. “Last year, we lost two of our most wonderful attractions. Ella the Elephant and Charlie the Cheetah. Although it was a loss for the Zoo, the Exotic Steakhouse had a banner year... Until the meat ran out, that is.” Ms. Jercoff was referring to the specials on elephant steaks and cheetah chowder the restaurant ran as part of the Remembrance Specials last season.
“But now, this year looks to be a banner year. As you know, last year we took in well over $300.00 in revenue from ticket sales and almost as much in refreshments. The beer sales alone counted for nearly $1,000,000 in revenue. This year we are planning on topping the numbers of visitors from 100 to 150 by holding Saturday Night at the Zoo promos. Visitors will be encouraged to come in on Saturday nights to see the animals as they sleep and take part in our first annual Name that Stool Contests. We will place a pile of animal feces out for display and visitors will pay $1.00 to guess which animal made it. All proceeds will go to help feed the animals. As you know, last year our budget for feeding the animals was reduced due to lack of interest by the public, so many of the animals simply starved, or ate one another to survive. That took our budget down greatly!”
“In addition, it opened valuable space for some newer, more exciting attractions to come to our little zoo!”Ms. Jercoff began displaying pictures of some of the newest residents of the Buzzardbait Zoo.
“This is Molly the Meerkat. She actually came to us locally. She was digging thru the dumpster at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes. After he shot it with a pellet gun, bagged it and beat it with a baseball bat to calm it down, he brought it here. We nursed it back to health and she'll be wonderful addition to out collection of wild animals.”
“This is Pervy. He's a naked Molerat. He was found outside Big Al's Titty Emporium, trying to get inside. After he had been stomped by some drunk trucker in cowboy boots, he was rushed here to get medical help. After six months of therapy, he's ready to make his debut in our zoo.”
“These are two Wonder Weasels. Frick and Frak are their names. And they are seen here in their natural state. Frick, the male, and Frak, the female, are in a perpetual state of mating. Wonder Weasels are rare and we here at the Buzzardbait Zoo are proud to have the pair!”
This is Barry the Money Rat. Money Rats are also rare. They run around, mostly in subway stations and fast food restaurants, picking up loose change to build their nest eggs with. Barry will be near the Wishing Well area, collecting any and all loose change from our visitors. Barry's going to be a fine addition to the zoo.”
“This is Lenny the Lion. Lenny's seen here right after a big meal. He ate one of our part-time feeders two weeks ago. We'll miss Howie, but Lenny was well worth the effort getting here. He comes to us from the Beddum and Bangem Circus. Lenny is going to be an exciting attraction!”
“And finally, the news we all have been so excited to share today...”
“Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey is making his triumphant return to the Buzzardbait Zoo. He recently had been in Hollywood, making several movies. He was in Honey, I Screwed-up the Furniture!
And he was also a major player in the Star Warped Movies, and recently did several episodes of Law and Disorder, playing one of the attorneys. You can see here that he is telling someone to read between the lines. I think that is a Hollywood thing!”
The press conference closed with Ivana Jercoff reminding everyone, “Don't forget to bring your cameras this year, as our pictures haven't sold worth shit, so take your own!”
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Tuesday 10/12/2010
Local Nightspot celebrates Buzzardbait Days
Last night was a humdinger of a time at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Local dignitaries from all over Ammo County were in attendance to celebrate the Anniversary of Buzzardbait's bicentennial.
"Two-hundred years ago, this town was nothing more than a hole in the wall. Now, it's the epicenter of big business and modern living!" Heralded Oliver Closoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner. Seen here, enjoying himself during the festivities.
One of Big Al's dancers, Tangy Thundertush, said, "This is about as much fun as the New Year's Blow Out we had last year. I danced my ass off that night, I can tell ya!"
County Judge, Clyde Forkem, took a break from the fun to take an important call.
But later Judge Forkem told us that he'd be disappointed if the entertainment didn't arrive soon.
And soon enough, Blues Legend and spokesman for locally bottled Dingleberry Wine, Milo Days stepped up to the microphone and began belting out an unrelenting rendition of 'I got the Big-Assed Woman Blues!'
When it was all said and done, the celebration was enjoyed by the packed house at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Even Big Al himself had to say, "This was funner than a broke-dicked dog humpin' a cactus!"
Local Nightspot celebrates Buzzardbait Days
Last night was a humdinger of a time at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Local dignitaries from all over Ammo County were in attendance to celebrate the Anniversary of Buzzardbait's bicentennial.
"Two-hundred years ago, this town was nothing more than a hole in the wall. Now, it's the epicenter of big business and modern living!" Heralded Oliver Closoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner. Seen here, enjoying himself during the festivities.
One of Big Al's dancers, Tangy Thundertush, said, "This is about as much fun as the New Year's Blow Out we had last year. I danced my ass off that night, I can tell ya!"
County Judge, Clyde Forkem, took a break from the fun to take an important call.
But later Judge Forkem told us that he'd be disappointed if the entertainment didn't arrive soon.
And soon enough, Blues Legend and spokesman for locally bottled Dingleberry Wine, Milo Days stepped up to the microphone and began belting out an unrelenting rendition of 'I got the Big-Assed Woman Blues!'
When it was all said and done, the celebration was enjoyed by the packed house at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Even Big Al himself had to say, "This was funner than a broke-dicked dog humpin' a cactus!"
Monday, October 11, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal - Friday 2/10/2012
A special report from The Curious Urinal
Buzzardbait - The Untold Story.
Every child in Ammo County schools has been taught the story of the founding fathers of Buzzardbait... Or so we thought. Now, after major research into the founding of Buzzardbait and surrounding Ammo County, we can reveal the untold story of Buzzardbait.
It was May, 1810. The weather was hot, and the tempers hotter as Tyrus Piddleplop and George Widdledik of Boston decided to head west to explore the vast unknown. Somewhere around Indiana, the pair ended up losing their compass and headed south. The two swam across the mighty Ohio River (nearly drowning) and ended up on the banks of the river at Lousyville.
They were immediately rolled for change and a pair of boots by a gang of mutant children in Lousyville. Almost fifteen minutes later, they were chased out of town by the police. Seeing no one could understand their thick Bostonian accent, they were mistaken as gypsies. They were unceremoniously piled into a gut wagon and escorted to the city limits, where they were tossed out of the gut wagon. They had to make it on foot from there.
Seeing the town of Lousyville was not a fit place to be, Piddleplop and Widdledik began walking in the hot sun, covered with guts and river mud. Smelling like two wet gut piles themselves, they walked for two days until they happened upon a creek. They jumped into the water to bathe themselves and when they left the water, they are purported to have said, “Now that’s a Stinking Creek!” And the name stuck. They looked around and decided that this was a far west as they would dare go. Seeing how the town of Lousyville was hostile, they could only imagine how much worse it would be if they ventured onward.
There were trees and water, and a fair amount of game in the wilderness, so Piddleplop and Widdledik decided to settle the untamed wilderness. Seeing that they had to come up with a suitable name for their new town, each wrote down their ideas and met to compare what they had come up with. Many suggestions were made by each, and all were rejected by the other. The story is officially that Widdledik said to Piddleplop, “This place reminds me of a buzzards roost!”
But documents have been uncovered that suggest that it was indeed Piddleplop saying to Widdledik, “Look, that vulture's vomiting!”
So they agreed to name the town Vulture Vomit.
It so happened that the pair painted a sign that read Welcome to Vulture Vomit and posted it at the city limits. Of course there was no city then, just a coon skin lean-to and a campfire. Several days went by when a wagon load of harlots came passing by and a woman by the name of Nellie Dinkletwit commented, “I hate the name of this town!”
It was Tyrus Piddleplop who looked upon the woman, a homely woman with a wart on her nose and a droopy eye, and said, “Well, you look like buzzard bait to me!”
George Widdledik had an idea and went to repaint the sign: Welcome to Buzzardbait!
Some of the harlots decided to remain in Buzzardbait, and were eaten by the local wildlife. The only survivor was Nellie Dinkletwit. The animals, it seemed, thought she was too ugly to consume and left her alone. She walked nearly an hour until she returned to Buzzardbait and became chummy with Tyrus Piddleplop. Later that afternoon, Piddleplop married the homely madam of the harlots.
That was when Harlan Zuckerphuk, who hauled Glop Beer from nearby Lousyville, came across the little burg called Buzzardbait and suggested the town needed a saloon for wayward travelers. George and Tyrus slaved daily for nearly two days until they had erected a log building with a sign upon the door: Buzzardbait Inn and Saloon. And that was when Piddleplop and his new bride set up the towns first brothel. Seeing that she was the only woman in town at that point, she was very busy.
It was then that a man came wandering into town with no shoes and a thick New York accent. His name was Carmine O’Tinkler. He had been run out of Lousyville two days before because he reminded the police of someone that pissed them off. Immediately Tyrus Piddleplop hired him as the bartender for the Saloon. The following day, Abner Schitts came rolling into town on a beer wagon, where he sold his entire inventory of Piss Beer to the saloon.
At the same time, the rest of the harlots returned to town on their wagon and Madam Nellie Dinkletwit suggested that she let the girls occupy the upstairs rooms and cut George Widdledik and Tyrus Piddleplop in on the action. Besides, Madam Nellie needed the rest. So, the Brothel/Inn was very busy as people from all over the area began flocking to Buzzardbait for the cheap hookers and the beer.
Carmine O’Tinkler and one of the ladies of the brothel, Zula Baggchomper, decided to get married after a whirlwind three day courtship.
Tyrus and Nellie Piddleplop, both yearning for a better life, moved to what is now known as Poon Point and started a Tobacco-flavored Cumquat farm.
George Widdledik then hooked up with another of the ladies, Wilma Dorkhumpper and left to open a free range chicken farm in Arkansas. They never returned to Buzzardbait.
A stranger on a horse by the name of Horace Limpwiggler, stayed at the inn overnight and ended up marrying one of the ladies of the brothel, a big-boobed woman named Carla Winkerdink. The stranger and his new bride settled south of Buzzardbait in what is now known as Hooter Heights. The horse, Horace Limpwiggler, became the star of the Wingding Brothers Circus and went on to appear in the very first western movie, ‘A Fistful of Something Gooey.’
Abner Schitts continued to run beer from Lousyville to Buzzardbait, but later retired and married one of the ladies of the brothel, Lily Whiterump. They started a Lemon Beet farm in what’s now known as Aureole Acres.
That left the last of the ladies of the brothel, Wanda Hormeister. She ran the brothel by hand until she could locate more girls to work there. But at the same time, she married Carmine O’Tinkler, who appointed himself mayor. They also started the Buzzardbait Livery Stable and Feed Store; the Buzzardait Bank and Bathhouse and the Buzzardbait Barber Shop and Dentist Office.
But that was when tragedy came to Buzzardbait. The town was invaded by a vile villain vexing the vibrant village. His name was Texas Rex Beaver. He rode into town and raped all the men and shot all the horses. The women, as the research shows, were often the target of his anger. He would throw horse manure at them and taunt them for wearing frilly undergarments. Obviously Texas Rex Beaver had issues.
But a lawman soon rode into town. Marshall Roscoe Clappgiver was trailing Texas Rex Beaver and there was a gunfight on Main Street three days thereafter. Beaver was gunned down and buried out in the wilderness in what is now known as Beaver Lick. Marshall Clappgiver was offered the job as town sheriff and began setting up what is now the Buzzardbait Police Department.
And that beats the official story that has been taught to the children in school. The painstaking three days of research trumps the official story that Piddleplop and Widdledik settled Buzzardbait and later shipped out to fight the Indians at Fort Knox, or the alternative version that had the pair mining for gold in the Klondike and becoming major player at the Battle of the Wounded Elbow when Canada invaded Sweden back in 1851.
So now you know the real story of Buzzardbait, Kentucky. Don’t you feel better?
A paid advertisement:
He swam the Amazon River in search of lost civilizations.
He raced cars in Monte Carlo, just to prove to himself he could.
He climbed mighty mountains, just to watch the sunset.
He adorned a matador's outfit and stepped in the ring with El Toro Diablo, the meanest bull south of the border...
And that's where he screwed up!
He doesn’t always drink beer,... But now, when he does, it will be through an IV.
Tres Equis... Stay thirsty, and away from the bull, my friends.
XXX Tres Equis. © Buzzardbait Brewery and Sludge Pond, Buzzardbait, KY
A special report from The Curious Urinal
Buzzardbait - The Untold Story.
Every child in Ammo County schools has been taught the story of the founding fathers of Buzzardbait... Or so we thought. Now, after major research into the founding of Buzzardbait and surrounding Ammo County, we can reveal the untold story of Buzzardbait.
It was May, 1810. The weather was hot, and the tempers hotter as Tyrus Piddleplop and George Widdledik of Boston decided to head west to explore the vast unknown. Somewhere around Indiana, the pair ended up losing their compass and headed south. The two swam across the mighty Ohio River (nearly drowning) and ended up on the banks of the river at Lousyville.
They were immediately rolled for change and a pair of boots by a gang of mutant children in Lousyville. Almost fifteen minutes later, they were chased out of town by the police. Seeing no one could understand their thick Bostonian accent, they were mistaken as gypsies. They were unceremoniously piled into a gut wagon and escorted to the city limits, where they were tossed out of the gut wagon. They had to make it on foot from there.
Seeing the town of Lousyville was not a fit place to be, Piddleplop and Widdledik began walking in the hot sun, covered with guts and river mud. Smelling like two wet gut piles themselves, they walked for two days until they happened upon a creek. They jumped into the water to bathe themselves and when they left the water, they are purported to have said, “Now that’s a Stinking Creek!” And the name stuck. They looked around and decided that this was a far west as they would dare go. Seeing how the town of Lousyville was hostile, they could only imagine how much worse it would be if they ventured onward.
There were trees and water, and a fair amount of game in the wilderness, so Piddleplop and Widdledik decided to settle the untamed wilderness. Seeing that they had to come up with a suitable name for their new town, each wrote down their ideas and met to compare what they had come up with. Many suggestions were made by each, and all were rejected by the other. The story is officially that Widdledik said to Piddleplop, “This place reminds me of a buzzards roost!”
But documents have been uncovered that suggest that it was indeed Piddleplop saying to Widdledik, “Look, that vulture's vomiting!”
So they agreed to name the town Vulture Vomit.
It so happened that the pair painted a sign that read Welcome to Vulture Vomit and posted it at the city limits. Of course there was no city then, just a coon skin lean-to and a campfire. Several days went by when a wagon load of harlots came passing by and a woman by the name of Nellie Dinkletwit commented, “I hate the name of this town!”
It was Tyrus Piddleplop who looked upon the woman, a homely woman with a wart on her nose and a droopy eye, and said, “Well, you look like buzzard bait to me!”
George Widdledik had an idea and went to repaint the sign: Welcome to Buzzardbait!
Some of the harlots decided to remain in Buzzardbait, and were eaten by the local wildlife. The only survivor was Nellie Dinkletwit. The animals, it seemed, thought she was too ugly to consume and left her alone. She walked nearly an hour until she returned to Buzzardbait and became chummy with Tyrus Piddleplop. Later that afternoon, Piddleplop married the homely madam of the harlots.
That was when Harlan Zuckerphuk, who hauled Glop Beer from nearby Lousyville, came across the little burg called Buzzardbait and suggested the town needed a saloon for wayward travelers. George and Tyrus slaved daily for nearly two days until they had erected a log building with a sign upon the door: Buzzardbait Inn and Saloon. And that was when Piddleplop and his new bride set up the towns first brothel. Seeing that she was the only woman in town at that point, she was very busy.
It was then that a man came wandering into town with no shoes and a thick New York accent. His name was Carmine O’Tinkler. He had been run out of Lousyville two days before because he reminded the police of someone that pissed them off. Immediately Tyrus Piddleplop hired him as the bartender for the Saloon. The following day, Abner Schitts came rolling into town on a beer wagon, where he sold his entire inventory of Piss Beer to the saloon.
At the same time, the rest of the harlots returned to town on their wagon and Madam Nellie Dinkletwit suggested that she let the girls occupy the upstairs rooms and cut George Widdledik and Tyrus Piddleplop in on the action. Besides, Madam Nellie needed the rest. So, the Brothel/Inn was very busy as people from all over the area began flocking to Buzzardbait for the cheap hookers and the beer.
Carmine O’Tinkler and one of the ladies of the brothel, Zula Baggchomper, decided to get married after a whirlwind three day courtship.
Tyrus and Nellie Piddleplop, both yearning for a better life, moved to what is now known as Poon Point and started a Tobacco-flavored Cumquat farm.
George Widdledik then hooked up with another of the ladies, Wilma Dorkhumpper and left to open a free range chicken farm in Arkansas. They never returned to Buzzardbait.
A stranger on a horse by the name of Horace Limpwiggler, stayed at the inn overnight and ended up marrying one of the ladies of the brothel, a big-boobed woman named Carla Winkerdink. The stranger and his new bride settled south of Buzzardbait in what is now known as Hooter Heights. The horse, Horace Limpwiggler, became the star of the Wingding Brothers Circus and went on to appear in the very first western movie, ‘A Fistful of Something Gooey.’
Abner Schitts continued to run beer from Lousyville to Buzzardbait, but later retired and married one of the ladies of the brothel, Lily Whiterump. They started a Lemon Beet farm in what’s now known as Aureole Acres.
That left the last of the ladies of the brothel, Wanda Hormeister. She ran the brothel by hand until she could locate more girls to work there. But at the same time, she married Carmine O’Tinkler, who appointed himself mayor. They also started the Buzzardbait Livery Stable and Feed Store; the Buzzardait Bank and Bathhouse and the Buzzardbait Barber Shop and Dentist Office.
But that was when tragedy came to Buzzardbait. The town was invaded by a vile villain vexing the vibrant village. His name was Texas Rex Beaver. He rode into town and raped all the men and shot all the horses. The women, as the research shows, were often the target of his anger. He would throw horse manure at them and taunt them for wearing frilly undergarments. Obviously Texas Rex Beaver had issues.
But a lawman soon rode into town. Marshall Roscoe Clappgiver was trailing Texas Rex Beaver and there was a gunfight on Main Street three days thereafter. Beaver was gunned down and buried out in the wilderness in what is now known as Beaver Lick. Marshall Clappgiver was offered the job as town sheriff and began setting up what is now the Buzzardbait Police Department.
And that beats the official story that has been taught to the children in school. The painstaking three days of research trumps the official story that Piddleplop and Widdledik settled Buzzardbait and later shipped out to fight the Indians at Fort Knox, or the alternative version that had the pair mining for gold in the Klondike and becoming major player at the Battle of the Wounded Elbow when Canada invaded Sweden back in 1851.
So now you know the real story of Buzzardbait, Kentucky. Don’t you feel better?
A paid advertisement:
He swam the Amazon River in search of lost civilizations.
He raced cars in Monte Carlo, just to prove to himself he could.
He climbed mighty mountains, just to watch the sunset.
He adorned a matador's outfit and stepped in the ring with El Toro Diablo, the meanest bull south of the border...
And that's where he screwed up!
He doesn’t always drink beer,... But now, when he does, it will be through an IV.
Tres Equis... Stay thirsty, and away from the bull, my friends.
XXX Tres Equis. © Buzzardbait Brewery and Sludge Pond, Buzzardbait, KY
Friday, October 8, 2010
The Curious Urinal Friday 10/8/2010
The Curious Urinal Interview - Rick Sanchez
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Earlier this week Rick Sanchez, the CNN commentator, was fired after some derogatory remarks he made during a radio interview. The Curious Urinal decided to talk to Mr. Sanchez, in hopes to allow him the opportunity to give his side of the story.
CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.
RC: Come on. Enough of the niceties. Let's get down to it.
CU: Okay then... Well, this past week wasn't a good week for you, was it?
RC: Who are you again?
CU: My name is Juan Motyme. I'm a staff reporter at the Curious Urinal.
RC: The Curious Urinal? What kind of a name is that? Did some Jew make that up?
CU: Well, I was going to ask you about that comment you made about Jews and John Stewart.
RC: That a**hole is a f***in jerk!
CU: Please, the readers will not appreciate the language.
RC: F**k them too! All of them are a bunch of Jews that hate me!
CU: So, you truly believe that everyone else in the country is Jewish?
RC: Look, I know not everybody is a Jew. Just all of the rich a**holes that make more money than I do!
CU: Are you jealous of people making money?
RC: I'm a progressive. The only people that should have money are people like me. The rest of them need to be broke and ruled by an iron-fisted dictator... Like Obama!
CU: And that's your opinion?
RC: It's a fact! CNN fired me because the Jews made them do it. In fact, the Jews own CNN, so they need to be taken out and shot!
CU: Wait a minute!
RC: No, you wait a minute. I'm a member of the elite media, so I am always right!
CU: Not anymore. You are an unemployed progressive liberal that thought you could say anything you wanted to say, but found out that your bosses at CNN thought otherwise!
RC: F**k them too!
CU: So, about you and John Stewart...
RC: I would like to see him taken out to the desert and drug behind a jeep doing ninety miles an hour through cactus and scorpions!
CU: You would think that of a fellow human being?
RC: He's a comedian, and not a good one at that! He deserves to die a slow, painful death!
CU: Can I quote you on that?
RC: Look, a**hole, don't make me open a can of whoopa** on you!
CU: You said on a radio show, and I quote: 'I'm telling you that everyone who runs CNN is a lot like Stewart, and a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart, and to imply that somehow they, the people in this country who are Jewish, are an oppressed minority?' You called John Stewart a bigot, yet you sound just like one.
RC: Yeah, so?
CU: So you are a bigot?
RC: I'm not a bigot! I'm a progressive. We aren't bigots. We're open-minded people who just hate Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, rich people and conservatives. Other than that, we like everybody...Especially Muslims!
CU: Wait... Aren't you a Hispanic? And secondly, do you hate everyone that doesn't think on the same lines as you?
RC: First of all, I'm Cuban! And I don't hate everyone... Just people that don't think like I do!
CU: Well, I think I can wrap this interview up. Thanks for your time.
RC: Wait, I wanted to promote my book, 'Conventional Idiocy.' It's my life's story.
CU: Yeah, it's sold a whole 800 copies!
RC: A New York Times best seller! (whispering) Hey, just between you and me, are you guys hiring?
CU: Well, actually that reminds me of another point. You said, and I quote: 'I can't see someone not getting a job these days because they're Jewish.'
RC: Right... So, are you guys hiring, or what?
CU: Not really, no. But I bet you could become the presidents new press secretary when Robert Gibbs decides to go run the DNC.
RC: Cool, that would be a great gig. Thanks, Jewboy!
CU: Do I look Jewish to you?
RC: No, you look like someone who would like them though.
CU: I do.
RC: Thus my point, a**hole!
CU: Bigot!
RC: I'm not a bigot. I'm a progressive!
CU: Close enough!
This edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by:
He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it usually is snuck into the hospital he happens to be recovering in.
Tres Equis - Stay thirsty... And away from the bulls, my friends!
The Curious Urinal Interview - Rick Sanchez
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Earlier this week Rick Sanchez, the CNN commentator, was fired after some derogatory remarks he made during a radio interview. The Curious Urinal decided to talk to Mr. Sanchez, in hopes to allow him the opportunity to give his side of the story.
CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.
RC: Come on. Enough of the niceties. Let's get down to it.
CU: Okay then... Well, this past week wasn't a good week for you, was it?
RC: Who are you again?
CU: My name is Juan Motyme. I'm a staff reporter at the Curious Urinal.
RC: The Curious Urinal? What kind of a name is that? Did some Jew make that up?
CU: Well, I was going to ask you about that comment you made about Jews and John Stewart.
RC: That a**hole is a f***in jerk!
CU: Please, the readers will not appreciate the language.
RC: F**k them too! All of them are a bunch of Jews that hate me!
CU: So, you truly believe that everyone else in the country is Jewish?
RC: Look, I know not everybody is a Jew. Just all of the rich a**holes that make more money than I do!
CU: Are you jealous of people making money?
RC: I'm a progressive. The only people that should have money are people like me. The rest of them need to be broke and ruled by an iron-fisted dictator... Like Obama!
CU: And that's your opinion?
RC: It's a fact! CNN fired me because the Jews made them do it. In fact, the Jews own CNN, so they need to be taken out and shot!
CU: Wait a minute!
RC: No, you wait a minute. I'm a member of the elite media, so I am always right!
CU: Not anymore. You are an unemployed progressive liberal that thought you could say anything you wanted to say, but found out that your bosses at CNN thought otherwise!
RC: F**k them too!
CU: So, about you and John Stewart...
RC: I would like to see him taken out to the desert and drug behind a jeep doing ninety miles an hour through cactus and scorpions!
CU: You would think that of a fellow human being?
RC: He's a comedian, and not a good one at that! He deserves to die a slow, painful death!
CU: Can I quote you on that?
RC: Look, a**hole, don't make me open a can of whoopa** on you!
CU: You said on a radio show, and I quote: 'I'm telling you that everyone who runs CNN is a lot like Stewart, and a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart, and to imply that somehow they, the people in this country who are Jewish, are an oppressed minority?' You called John Stewart a bigot, yet you sound just like one.
RC: Yeah, so?
CU: So you are a bigot?
RC: I'm not a bigot! I'm a progressive. We aren't bigots. We're open-minded people who just hate Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, rich people and conservatives. Other than that, we like everybody...Especially Muslims!
CU: Wait... Aren't you a Hispanic? And secondly, do you hate everyone that doesn't think on the same lines as you?
RC: First of all, I'm Cuban! And I don't hate everyone... Just people that don't think like I do!
CU: Well, I think I can wrap this interview up. Thanks for your time.
RC: Wait, I wanted to promote my book, 'Conventional Idiocy.' It's my life's story.
CU: Yeah, it's sold a whole 800 copies!
RC: A New York Times best seller! (whispering) Hey, just between you and me, are you guys hiring?
CU: Well, actually that reminds me of another point. You said, and I quote: 'I can't see someone not getting a job these days because they're Jewish.'
RC: Right... So, are you guys hiring, or what?
CU: Not really, no. But I bet you could become the presidents new press secretary when Robert Gibbs decides to go run the DNC.
RC: Cool, that would be a great gig. Thanks, Jewboy!
CU: Do I look Jewish to you?
RC: No, you look like someone who would like them though.
CU: I do.
RC: Thus my point, a**hole!
CU: Bigot!
RC: I'm not a bigot. I'm a progressive!
CU: Close enough!
This edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by:
He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it usually is snuck into the hospital he happens to be recovering in.
Tres Equis - Stay thirsty... And away from the bulls, my friends!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
The Curious Urinal Thursday 10/7/2010
CBS Reporter Arrested on Drug Charges
A CBS Radio News correspondent, Howard Arenstein, has been arrested on marijuana charges in Washington.
A D.C. police spokesman said Arenstein and his wife were arrested early last Saturday and were charged with possession with intent to distribute marijuana.
We got some complaints that there was marijuana growing in the couple's backyard. We then obtained a search warrant for the home and busted them." The officer said, wishing to remain anonymous for fear that the media would rip into him and his family, went on to say, "We found large, mature cannabis plants, standing more than 8 feet high. In addition, we found packaged marijuana inside the home."
According to the CBS News website, Arenstein serves as radio bureau manager for CBS News, Washington.
A CBS News spokeswoman, who wished to remain anonymous in fear that she'd be discovered as a right-wing conspirator, said, "The network is not making any statements at this time, but as for myself, Dude, I'm so bummed! Now I have to find a new dealer. Do you know how hard it is to score some decent weed in Washington. First the senators aide gets busted, now this! Damn, I may need to go to L.A. to score some good smoke... Unless you got some?"
In Other Political News:
Transgendered 'Conservative' in San Francisco Race
In the Only in California Department - A transgendered woman, who used to run a sex toy company called Good Vibrations, is being labeled as the "conservative" candidate in a San Francisco political race.
The San Fransisco Weekly reports that Theresa Sparks, who is running for a seat on the city's Board of Supervisors, is being criticized as the insider, conservative pick.
Sparks is being backed by San Fransisco's Mayor. Sparks also held a seat on the city's Police Commission. She allegedly drifts "conservative" because she opposes a hotel tax and declining to put pressure on the city's police officers while serving on the disciplinary panel.
Sparks said, "This points to how people in this city love to construe and redefine the term 'progressive,'"
According to Sparks' personal website, she was born a man but eventually changed her appearance to look like a woman after two marriages -- to women -- ended in divorce. "I decided that since I wasn't much of a man, I'd become a woman. And now the chicks dig me!"
And in Local News:
Federal Study: Fish Need Water
According to an $80 million dollar study (funded by taxpayer dollars), The University of Buzzardbait has determined that unless fish are kept in water, they will die. This study, conducted over the course of six years also concluded that dead fish are not as active as live ones.
Professor Sir Cedric Bentingmore, formerly of the British Institute of All Things Uncommon, said, "These studies prove that more money should be spent on academia's pursuit of all things wasteful and frivolous!"
CBS Reporter Arrested on Drug Charges
A CBS Radio News correspondent, Howard Arenstein, has been arrested on marijuana charges in Washington.
A D.C. police spokesman said Arenstein and his wife were arrested early last Saturday and were charged with possession with intent to distribute marijuana.
We got some complaints that there was marijuana growing in the couple's backyard. We then obtained a search warrant for the home and busted them." The officer said, wishing to remain anonymous for fear that the media would rip into him and his family, went on to say, "We found large, mature cannabis plants, standing more than 8 feet high. In addition, we found packaged marijuana inside the home."
According to the CBS News website, Arenstein serves as radio bureau manager for CBS News, Washington.
A CBS News spokeswoman, who wished to remain anonymous in fear that she'd be discovered as a right-wing conspirator, said, "The network is not making any statements at this time, but as for myself, Dude, I'm so bummed! Now I have to find a new dealer. Do you know how hard it is to score some decent weed in Washington. First the senators aide gets busted, now this! Damn, I may need to go to L.A. to score some good smoke... Unless you got some?"
In Other Political News:
Transgendered 'Conservative' in San Francisco Race
In the Only in California Department - A transgendered woman, who used to run a sex toy company called Good Vibrations, is being labeled as the "conservative" candidate in a San Francisco political race.
The San Fransisco Weekly reports that Theresa Sparks, who is running for a seat on the city's Board of Supervisors, is being criticized as the insider, conservative pick.
Sparks is being backed by San Fransisco's Mayor. Sparks also held a seat on the city's Police Commission. She allegedly drifts "conservative" because she opposes a hotel tax and declining to put pressure on the city's police officers while serving on the disciplinary panel.
Sparks said, "This points to how people in this city love to construe and redefine the term 'progressive,'"
According to Sparks' personal website, she was born a man but eventually changed her appearance to look like a woman after two marriages -- to women -- ended in divorce. "I decided that since I wasn't much of a man, I'd become a woman. And now the chicks dig me!"
And in Local News:
Federal Study: Fish Need Water
According to an $80 million dollar study (funded by taxpayer dollars), The University of Buzzardbait has determined that unless fish are kept in water, they will die. This study, conducted over the course of six years also concluded that dead fish are not as active as live ones.
Professor Sir Cedric Bentingmore, formerly of the British Institute of All Things Uncommon, said, "These studies prove that more money should be spent on academia's pursuit of all things wasteful and frivolous!"
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The Curious Urinal Wednesday 10/6/2010
Real life Ghostbuster?
William Jimenez was 11 years old when he discovered he could see dead people. He would see them walking down a sidewalk, inside a house or standing along the side of a road. Some stood there looking confused, others picking their noses and looking rather foolish. One even looked like a big green blob of protoplasm.
"At first it scared me to death," said Jimenez, 60, a retired detective. "Sometimes I'd see the whole body and other times just part of it. They'd be wearing clothes from the time period in which they died. Other times they were naked and swinging from streetlights, usually singing 'How dry I am.'"
Jimenez says he eventually learned to see his talent as a gift and has parlayed it into a ghost-hunting business along with two friends who are also retired investigators with the California Highway Patrol.
"We don't use proton packs or silly stuff like that. We use bear traps and pepper spray to capture the ghosts. Then we take them out to the desert, where we set them free to live their lives... Well, unlives that is, in peace. Not out there scaring the bejesus out of people."
Local Attorney accidentally sues himself
Harvey Skrewem, one of the attorneys at the Findham, Skrewem, and Suim Law Firm accidentally filed a lawsuit on himself last week. Court records that Mr. Skrewem entered the courthouse and was immediately served with papers. As he read the filing, Mr. Skrewem immediately decided to counter-sue himself for filing a frivolous lawsuit. Also, there is no word on if he will represent himself in court.
Real life Ghostbuster?
William Jimenez was 11 years old when he discovered he could see dead people. He would see them walking down a sidewalk, inside a house or standing along the side of a road. Some stood there looking confused, others picking their noses and looking rather foolish. One even looked like a big green blob of protoplasm.
"At first it scared me to death," said Jimenez, 60, a retired detective. "Sometimes I'd see the whole body and other times just part of it. They'd be wearing clothes from the time period in which they died. Other times they were naked and swinging from streetlights, usually singing 'How dry I am.'"
Jimenez says he eventually learned to see his talent as a gift and has parlayed it into a ghost-hunting business along with two friends who are also retired investigators with the California Highway Patrol.
"We don't use proton packs or silly stuff like that. We use bear traps and pepper spray to capture the ghosts. Then we take them out to the desert, where we set them free to live their lives... Well, unlives that is, in peace. Not out there scaring the bejesus out of people."
Local Attorney accidentally sues himself
Harvey Skrewem, one of the attorneys at the Findham, Skrewem, and Suim Law Firm accidentally filed a lawsuit on himself last week. Court records that Mr. Skrewem entered the courthouse and was immediately served with papers. As he read the filing, Mr. Skrewem immediately decided to counter-sue himself for filing a frivolous lawsuit. Also, there is no word on if he will represent himself in court.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Curious Urinal Tuesday 10/5/2010
New Company Offers Playdates... For a Price
With all the buzz these days about social networks and casual games taking video gaming mainstream, sometimes the market proves that there is still a powerful core demographic of lonely male geeks clicking away at controllers.
The newly relaunched website Gamecrush is banking on that demographic -- not just on guys' love of video games, but also on their inability to meet women. They offer geeky gamers the chance to find a comely companion for games ranging from Halo: Reach and Starcraft 2 to Tic-Tac-Toe.
They've just got to pay.
Female company doesn't come cheap, and Gamecrush's services run 60 cents a minute, plus tip. When "players" sign onto the site, they can search the profiles of "playdates" in four zones: "Arcade" for casual games, "The Academy" for gamers looking to learn some new tricks, "the Arena" for hardcore gaming, and "The Edge," where things "could get interesting."
Local gamer and self-proclaimed geekaziod, Randy Olgeme, has used the gaming site and claims it's a winner. "The girls I played with really liked me. Of course, they think I'm some rich astronaut that will take them to the moon."
In speaking with one of the 'girls' of the site, she told a similar story. "The guys really like me. Little do they know I'm really a guy named Larry, who likes to dress in drag and have cybersex on the gamesite for sixty cents a minute. Hell, I would charge more, but most of these losers couldn't afford me!"
In local news:
Ammo County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds
Mayor Harley Werken of Buzzardbait shook his head in disgust yesterday when he read the report from the Ammo County Department of Stuff. It told the tale of how County Commissioner Hugo Oberdare has misused county funds to advertise the fact that the county was out of money.
“This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ammo County needs to do something drastic to keep tax dollars flowing in, not pouring out. Since most of the residents of Ammo County are either employed by the county, or receiving funds from the county, this report shows me that something may be wrong here!” Mayor Werken then added, “Maybe if we stopped spending $250,000 on advertising, we could spend more on stocking the bar in the mayor's office!”
New Company Offers Playdates... For a Price
With all the buzz these days about social networks and casual games taking video gaming mainstream, sometimes the market proves that there is still a powerful core demographic of lonely male geeks clicking away at controllers.
The newly relaunched website Gamecrush is banking on that demographic -- not just on guys' love of video games, but also on their inability to meet women. They offer geeky gamers the chance to find a comely companion for games ranging from Halo: Reach and Starcraft 2 to Tic-Tac-Toe.
They've just got to pay.
Female company doesn't come cheap, and Gamecrush's services run 60 cents a minute, plus tip. When "players" sign onto the site, they can search the profiles of "playdates" in four zones: "Arcade" for casual games, "The Academy" for gamers looking to learn some new tricks, "the Arena" for hardcore gaming, and "The Edge," where things "could get interesting."
Local gamer and self-proclaimed geekaziod, Randy Olgeme, has used the gaming site and claims it's a winner. "The girls I played with really liked me. Of course, they think I'm some rich astronaut that will take them to the moon."
In speaking with one of the 'girls' of the site, she told a similar story. "The guys really like me. Little do they know I'm really a guy named Larry, who likes to dress in drag and have cybersex on the gamesite for sixty cents a minute. Hell, I would charge more, but most of these losers couldn't afford me!"
In local news:
Ammo County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds
Mayor Harley Werken of Buzzardbait shook his head in disgust yesterday when he read the report from the Ammo County Department of Stuff. It told the tale of how County Commissioner Hugo Oberdare has misused county funds to advertise the fact that the county was out of money.
“This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ammo County needs to do something drastic to keep tax dollars flowing in, not pouring out. Since most of the residents of Ammo County are either employed by the county, or receiving funds from the county, this report shows me that something may be wrong here!” Mayor Werken then added, “Maybe if we stopped spending $250,000 on advertising, we could spend more on stocking the bar in the mayor's office!”
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The Curious Urinal Monday 10/4/2010
Prehistoric Penguins Were Not Well-Dressed
This isn't your fathers penguin. It has been recently discovered that penguins didn't always boast tuxedo-like black-and-white markings, according to a new study conducted by researchers. The discovery of the first ancient penguin fossil with evidence of feathers reveals the aquatic birds were once reddish-brown and gray, reminding one of 1960's Hippies instead of the well-dressed penguins we know today.
It's also noted that the 36 million-year-old fossil represents one of the largest ancient penguins ever found. The bird would have been 5 feet (1.5 meters) tall, and probably weighed twice as much as modern Emperor penguins, which average about 66 pounds (30 kilograms). Its long, grooved beak suggests that, like modern penguins, it hunted by diving for fish and seemed to have a penchant for making mischief and buggery.
Speaking with The Penguin, who is currently spending his time in Gotham City Prison, he noted that Batman never appreciated what he did for the Caped Crusaders image. "But I digress," The Penguin squawked. "If had not been for me, Batman would have been a cut-rate superhero!"
Featured Ad of the Week
Tired of the same old snacks? In need of something different? Something that's all-natural and loaded with essential proteins you body needs?
Then try New Penguin Balls!
They're the frozen snack treat that's sweeping the nation. They're all-natural, with no artificial flavorings. Just pure Penguin Balls! And they come in three delicious flavors: Milk Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Meat. These frozen treats are sure to please even the most discriminating taste.
.jpg)
And remember, when you buy Penguin Balls, you're helping to stamp out the overpopulation of penguins in the Antarctic.
So next time you're looking for something different... Try New Penguin Balls!
Disclaimer:
Penguin Balls are made with real Antarctic penguin testicles, cut off at the peak of their sexual prime. These penguins will now waddle with less of a purpose, with nothing hindering them from leading normal, happy lives. They will be free of reproduction and family problems. These eunuch penguins will just swim and eat fish all day, unencumbered by sins of the flesh.
Also, the milk chocolate and peanut butter coatings are artificially flavored. We say it's all-natural, but hey, who has time to actually read the ingredients? In addition, Penguin Balls may contain the following: Sorbic Acid, Aspartame, extremely high levels of sugar (550% of you daily requirement), Corpsedia, Sodium Vibrofoam, less than 3% rodent hair an/or feces, Canine bile (for color) and tobacco-flavored cumquat juice.
Penguin Balls are a trademark of Consolidated Cybernetics Corp. of America (CCCofA)LLC, Buzzardbait, KY.
Prehistoric Penguins Were Not Well-Dressed
This isn't your fathers penguin. It has been recently discovered that penguins didn't always boast tuxedo-like black-and-white markings, according to a new study conducted by researchers. The discovery of the first ancient penguin fossil with evidence of feathers reveals the aquatic birds were once reddish-brown and gray, reminding one of 1960's Hippies instead of the well-dressed penguins we know today.
It's also noted that the 36 million-year-old fossil represents one of the largest ancient penguins ever found. The bird would have been 5 feet (1.5 meters) tall, and probably weighed twice as much as modern Emperor penguins, which average about 66 pounds (30 kilograms). Its long, grooved beak suggests that, like modern penguins, it hunted by diving for fish and seemed to have a penchant for making mischief and buggery.
Speaking with The Penguin, who is currently spending his time in Gotham City Prison, he noted that Batman never appreciated what he did for the Caped Crusaders image. "But I digress," The Penguin squawked. "If had not been for me, Batman would have been a cut-rate superhero!"
Featured Ad of the Week
Tired of the same old snacks? In need of something different? Something that's all-natural and loaded with essential proteins you body needs?
Then try New Penguin Balls!
They're the frozen snack treat that's sweeping the nation. They're all-natural, with no artificial flavorings. Just pure Penguin Balls! And they come in three delicious flavors: Milk Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Meat. These frozen treats are sure to please even the most discriminating taste.
.jpg)
And remember, when you buy Penguin Balls, you're helping to stamp out the overpopulation of penguins in the Antarctic.
So next time you're looking for something different... Try New Penguin Balls!
Disclaimer:
Penguin Balls are made with real Antarctic penguin testicles, cut off at the peak of their sexual prime. These penguins will now waddle with less of a purpose, with nothing hindering them from leading normal, happy lives. They will be free of reproduction and family problems. These eunuch penguins will just swim and eat fish all day, unencumbered by sins of the flesh.
Also, the milk chocolate and peanut butter coatings are artificially flavored. We say it's all-natural, but hey, who has time to actually read the ingredients? In addition, Penguin Balls may contain the following: Sorbic Acid, Aspartame, extremely high levels of sugar (550% of you daily requirement), Corpsedia, Sodium Vibrofoam, less than 3% rodent hair an/or feces, Canine bile (for color) and tobacco-flavored cumquat juice.
Penguin Balls are a trademark of Consolidated Cybernetics Corp. of America (CCCofA)LLC, Buzzardbait, KY.
Friday, October 1, 2010
The Curious Urinal Friday 10/1/2010
The Curious Urinal Interview - President Jimmy Carter
This last Tuesday, former President Jimmy Carter landed in Ohio and spent two nights in a Cleveland hospital with stomach problems. Our crack reporter, Juan Motyme, drove to Ohio immediately and got to sit down with the former president while he was in the hospital.
CU: Thank you for allowing me to ask you a few questions, Mr. Carter.
JC: Like I have much choice. I'm laying in this bed and you sneak in here posing as a doctor!
CU: All in the name of good reporting, Mr. President.
JC: I'd call for security, but they'd probably let you in to begin with.
CU: They did. Now, I need to ask, what's wrong with you?
JC: Well, I was on the flight to Ohio to make a public appearance for my new book, and I began having stomach pains.
CU: Was it the airline food?
JC: It could have been that, or that Ronald Reagan film they were playing on the flight. I hate that man!
CU: You aren't supposed to speak ill of the dead, Mr. Carter.
JC: Yes, I know, but that damned Reagan beat me in 1980, and I have never forgotten it!
CU: In your new book, and in a recent interview, you claim that you are the more superior of all past presidents. That's saying a great deal, don't you think?
JC: Well, I am. I mean I did end the Shah of Iran's reign of terror and I did boost relations with the Middle East.
CU:You threw the Shah under the proverbial bus and the Iranian Revolution took place. Now we have terrorism all over the world, thanks to your lack of intervention. And as far as relations with the Middle East, they aren't any better now than when you were president.
JC: It's all Bush's fault!
CU: Excuse me? George Bush wasn't anywhere near the White House back in your days as president. How could it be Bush's fault?
JC: Well, President Obama did say he'd give me $5 for every time I said that. I'm up to over a million dollars now. I am just wondering how much a million dollars will be with the value of today's dollar?
CU: Enought to be taxed to death, I'm sure!
JC: Probably, yeah.
CU: Well, just a couple of questions more and I'll let you have the trash can.
JC: Okay.
CU: In your book, you blame Teddy Kennedy for losing the election in 1980.
JC: That drunken bastard cost me votes! It was bad enough that Billy was making problems...
CU: Your brother, Billy?
JC: No, the cabana boy, Billy! Duh! Yes, that Billy! Then old 'Lion of the Senate' Teddy jumps on the wagon and draws votes away from me. Votes that went to Reagan!
CU: I think Reagan defeated you in a landslide... Not because of Kennedy, but because of the mess you made in America at that time.
JC: What mess?
CU: What mess? Well, how's the Iranian Hostage Crisis; the Energy Crisis; high taxes and unemployment... That kind of mess!
JC: It was Bush's fault!
CU: Well, there you go again!
JC: Oh, don't say that. Ithink I'm gonna be sick!
CU: Here, use this trash can and barf. I think this interview is over anyway.
JC: What? You're done? I was wanting to plug the book.
CU: Go peddle the chicken scratch you wrote to someone who cares. I'm out of here! Reagan Rocked!
JC: Oh no... (Spewing in the trash can)
CU: Oh, tonight's dinner is spicy fly-infested camel hump, a heaping bowl of cream of maggot soup and for desert... Monkey brains and termites in a prune sauce.
JC: (more spewing in the trash can)
CU: Hope you get to feeling better... You old imbecile!
The Curious Urinal Interview - President Jimmy Carter
This last Tuesday, former President Jimmy Carter landed in Ohio and spent two nights in a Cleveland hospital with stomach problems. Our crack reporter, Juan Motyme, drove to Ohio immediately and got to sit down with the former president while he was in the hospital.
CU: Thank you for allowing me to ask you a few questions, Mr. Carter.
JC: Like I have much choice. I'm laying in this bed and you sneak in here posing as a doctor!
CU: All in the name of good reporting, Mr. President.
JC: I'd call for security, but they'd probably let you in to begin with.
CU: They did. Now, I need to ask, what's wrong with you?
JC: Well, I was on the flight to Ohio to make a public appearance for my new book, and I began having stomach pains.
CU: Was it the airline food?
JC: It could have been that, or that Ronald Reagan film they were playing on the flight. I hate that man!
CU: You aren't supposed to speak ill of the dead, Mr. Carter.
JC: Yes, I know, but that damned Reagan beat me in 1980, and I have never forgotten it!
CU: In your new book, and in a recent interview, you claim that you are the more superior of all past presidents. That's saying a great deal, don't you think?
JC: Well, I am. I mean I did end the Shah of Iran's reign of terror and I did boost relations with the Middle East.
CU:You threw the Shah under the proverbial bus and the Iranian Revolution took place. Now we have terrorism all over the world, thanks to your lack of intervention. And as far as relations with the Middle East, they aren't any better now than when you were president.
JC: It's all Bush's fault!
CU: Excuse me? George Bush wasn't anywhere near the White House back in your days as president. How could it be Bush's fault?
JC: Well, President Obama did say he'd give me $5 for every time I said that. I'm up to over a million dollars now. I am just wondering how much a million dollars will be with the value of today's dollar?
CU: Enought to be taxed to death, I'm sure!
JC: Probably, yeah.
CU: Well, just a couple of questions more and I'll let you have the trash can.
JC: Okay.
CU: In your book, you blame Teddy Kennedy for losing the election in 1980.
JC: That drunken bastard cost me votes! It was bad enough that Billy was making problems...
CU: Your brother, Billy?
JC: No, the cabana boy, Billy! Duh! Yes, that Billy! Then old 'Lion of the Senate' Teddy jumps on the wagon and draws votes away from me. Votes that went to Reagan!
CU: I think Reagan defeated you in a landslide... Not because of Kennedy, but because of the mess you made in America at that time.
JC: What mess?
CU: What mess? Well, how's the Iranian Hostage Crisis; the Energy Crisis; high taxes and unemployment... That kind of mess!
JC: It was Bush's fault!
CU: Well, there you go again!
JC: Oh, don't say that. Ithink I'm gonna be sick!
CU: Here, use this trash can and barf. I think this interview is over anyway.
JC: What? You're done? I was wanting to plug the book.
CU: Go peddle the chicken scratch you wrote to someone who cares. I'm out of here! Reagan Rocked!
JC: Oh no... (Spewing in the trash can)
CU: Oh, tonight's dinner is spicy fly-infested camel hump, a heaping bowl of cream of maggot soup and for desert... Monkey brains and termites in a prune sauce.
JC: (more spewing in the trash can)
CU: Hope you get to feeling better... You old imbecile!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Curious Urinal Thursday 9/30/2010
Vote Begging Begins as Congress Flees Washington
WASHINGTON -- Battle-weary members of Congress are coming soon to neighborhoods near you to press for re-election. They are far more eager to campaign before angry constituents than compromise in Washington on tax cuts, child nutrition or a federal budget.
Majority Democrats are facing tough re-election fights all over America. Both houses of Congress rebelled Wednesday, deciding to call off controversial votes, including passing a temporary bill to keep the government running. They instead decided to head home.
"The Senate should be more concerned about doing what's right for the country and less concerned about campaign season," a senator said. "But we're all a bunch of sniveling dogs that needs to be fired and... Wait, did I say that?"
And in Sports
Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Fall Dance on Oct. 8th. This years theme is Thank God The Tobacco-flavored Cumquat Harvest is Over!
Chaperone's are requested to attend this year dance as the high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers who chaperoned last years dance. Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait last year will also note that over 90% of the attendees missed school the following Monday due to the bail hearings.
If you wish to be one of the chaperone's, the requirements include: being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds - as some of our students are fairly good sized.
Benefits include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance).
Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.
Vote Begging Begins as Congress Flees Washington
WASHINGTON -- Battle-weary members of Congress are coming soon to neighborhoods near you to press for re-election. They are far more eager to campaign before angry constituents than compromise in Washington on tax cuts, child nutrition or a federal budget.
Majority Democrats are facing tough re-election fights all over America. Both houses of Congress rebelled Wednesday, deciding to call off controversial votes, including passing a temporary bill to keep the government running. They instead decided to head home.
"The Senate should be more concerned about doing what's right for the country and less concerned about campaign season," a senator said. "But we're all a bunch of sniveling dogs that needs to be fired and... Wait, did I say that?"
And in Sports
Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Fall Dance on Oct. 8th. This years theme is Thank God The Tobacco-flavored Cumquat Harvest is Over!
Chaperone's are requested to attend this year dance as the high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers who chaperoned last years dance. Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait last year will also note that over 90% of the attendees missed school the following Monday due to the bail hearings.
If you wish to be one of the chaperone's, the requirements include: being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds - as some of our students are fairly good sized.
Benefits include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance).
Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Curious Urinal Wednesday 9/29/2010
Autoworkers Caught Drinking Beer, Smoking Pot During Breaks
Here's a story that will make you proud that we bailed out the auto industry. An undercover investigation shows illegal activities by Chrysler employees, who happened have enjoyed nearly $15 billion in government bailout money.
Several dozen autoworkers in Detroit were caught on camera drinking beer and smoking marijuana before heading to work at the Chrysler plant that President Obama praised in a speech just two months ago.
The exclusive investigation done by MyFoxDetroit showed workers at Chrysler's Jefferson North Assembly Plant in Detroit, Mich., drinking beer and smoking joints while on a half-hour lunch break at a nearby park.
The investigation was conducted over several weeks and based on tips from other workers at the plant. This apparently outraged the auto giant's top union representatives, who said, "This is totally unacceptable. How dare the media investigate our hard-working employees. What the employees do in their off-time is nobody's business!"
Back on July 30th, President Obama spoke at the plant, where he lauded the American worker, saying, "It's workers like you that built this country into the greatest economic power the world has ever known. And I want all of you to know, I will bet on the American worker any day of the week." He went on to say, "Especially if the union bosses tell me to say that!"
Local Elementary School Excels in Pretesting
Students here in Ammo County are all preparing for this years TAKS tests. And Buzzardbait students are especially prepared this year; all thanks to one teacher. Miss Anita Fuzzenbush is a highly regarded forth grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School and Flea Market..
In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Friday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics, ranging from Arithmetic to Social Studies.
Here's a sample question posed to the students:
LIST THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________
75% of the students gave the following answer?
1. SQUIRREL SEASON
2. DEER SEASON
3. TOBACCO-FLAVORED CUMQUAT SEASON
4. BASKETBALL SEASON
Yes, Buzzardbait students are the best Ammo County has to offer!
Autoworkers Caught Drinking Beer, Smoking Pot During Breaks
Here's a story that will make you proud that we bailed out the auto industry. An undercover investigation shows illegal activities by Chrysler employees, who happened have enjoyed nearly $15 billion in government bailout money.
Several dozen autoworkers in Detroit were caught on camera drinking beer and smoking marijuana before heading to work at the Chrysler plant that President Obama praised in a speech just two months ago.
The exclusive investigation done by MyFoxDetroit showed workers at Chrysler's Jefferson North Assembly Plant in Detroit, Mich., drinking beer and smoking joints while on a half-hour lunch break at a nearby park.
The investigation was conducted over several weeks and based on tips from other workers at the plant. This apparently outraged the auto giant's top union representatives, who said, "This is totally unacceptable. How dare the media investigate our hard-working employees. What the employees do in their off-time is nobody's business!"
Back on July 30th, President Obama spoke at the plant, where he lauded the American worker, saying, "It's workers like you that built this country into the greatest economic power the world has ever known. And I want all of you to know, I will bet on the American worker any day of the week." He went on to say, "Especially if the union bosses tell me to say that!"
Local Elementary School Excels in Pretesting
Students here in Ammo County are all preparing for this years TAKS tests. And Buzzardbait students are especially prepared this year; all thanks to one teacher. Miss Anita Fuzzenbush is a highly regarded forth grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School and Flea Market..
In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Friday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics, ranging from Arithmetic to Social Studies.
Here's a sample question posed to the students:
LIST THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________
75% of the students gave the following answer?
1. SQUIRREL SEASON
2. DEER SEASON
3. TOBACCO-FLAVORED CUMQUAT SEASON
4. BASKETBALL SEASON
Yes, Buzzardbait students are the best Ammo County has to offer!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Curious Urinal Tuesday 9/28/2010
250,000 British Toddlers Labeled Racists
More than a quarter million British children have been accused of racism since the country passed its Race Relations Act in 2000, according to London's Daily Mail newspaper.
A senior adviser to London Mayor says teachers are being forced to report children as young as 3 years old to the authorities for using alleged "racist" language.
"Teachers are now required to report incidents of racist abuse among children as young as three to local authorities, resulting in a massive increase of cases and reinforcing the perception that we need an army of experts to manage race relations from cradle to grave," a teacher stated.
Examples of 'racist' remarks are: Yo Mama jokes, calling anyone a poo poo head, and the most severe insult, 'Fraidy Cat!'
According to a London civil liberties group, 280,00 incidents have been reported between 2002-2009.
Buzzardbait experiences cable and Internet outage
For the better part of thirty-six hours, Buzzardbait residents were without cable television or Internet service. Buzzardbait Cable Company and Bake Shop experienced a technical glitch that resulted in a total disruption of service yesterday.
LaTonya Mistuatdapartee, public spokesperson for the cable company issued a statement, saying, “Ya'll ain't got no cable or infernets cause we got striked by some lightnings and chit got all fuc... messed up!”
Raymond 'Hotwire' Yacarski, regional vice president of Internet services added, “And until we can figure out what our status is, we cannot offer our usual high-value service to the community!”
Ms. Mistuatdapartee then added, “Dat's right. What he sez!”
Mr. Yacarski then said, “If everything goes according to plan, we should be back up and running sometime tomorrow morning.”
When asked if the cable company would compensate irate customers who had been without TV or Internet for so long, Ms. Mistuatdapartee stated, “Ya'll needs to chill! Ain't no one getting any reparations round here less I gets me some too!”
Then Mr. Yacarski interjected, “In order to maintain out high standards and continue to offer our high-value service, the compensation will be seen in the coming months as no cable increases until December, when our new and improved billing system goes into effect and the rates will automatically be raised to add more high-value services to the community.”
LaTonya Mistuatdapartee closed the press briefing by adding, “So iff'n any of youse redneck sum biches don't like it, ya'll can shove it up you...”
“What Ms. Mistuatdapartee is saying is that we all need a bit of patience as we rectify the current situation and restore our high-value services to this wonderful community.” Mr. Yacarski interrupted.
“Muh fuc... Dat wasn't what I's be sayin'! Don't be puttin' no words in my mouf, youse honky, redneck lovin'...”
Ms. LaTonya Mistuatdapartee was hustled off the stage and summarily gagged.
250,000 British Toddlers Labeled Racists
More than a quarter million British children have been accused of racism since the country passed its Race Relations Act in 2000, according to London's Daily Mail newspaper.
A senior adviser to London Mayor says teachers are being forced to report children as young as 3 years old to the authorities for using alleged "racist" language.
"Teachers are now required to report incidents of racist abuse among children as young as three to local authorities, resulting in a massive increase of cases and reinforcing the perception that we need an army of experts to manage race relations from cradle to grave," a teacher stated.
Examples of 'racist' remarks are: Yo Mama jokes, calling anyone a poo poo head, and the most severe insult, 'Fraidy Cat!'
According to a London civil liberties group, 280,00 incidents have been reported between 2002-2009.
Buzzardbait experiences cable and Internet outage
For the better part of thirty-six hours, Buzzardbait residents were without cable television or Internet service. Buzzardbait Cable Company and Bake Shop experienced a technical glitch that resulted in a total disruption of service yesterday.
LaTonya Mistuatdapartee, public spokesperson for the cable company issued a statement, saying, “Ya'll ain't got no cable or infernets cause we got striked by some lightnings and chit got all fuc... messed up!”
Raymond 'Hotwire' Yacarski, regional vice president of Internet services added, “And until we can figure out what our status is, we cannot offer our usual high-value service to the community!”
Ms. Mistuatdapartee then added, “Dat's right. What he sez!”
Mr. Yacarski then said, “If everything goes according to plan, we should be back up and running sometime tomorrow morning.”
When asked if the cable company would compensate irate customers who had been without TV or Internet for so long, Ms. Mistuatdapartee stated, “Ya'll needs to chill! Ain't no one getting any reparations round here less I gets me some too!”
Then Mr. Yacarski interjected, “In order to maintain out high standards and continue to offer our high-value service, the compensation will be seen in the coming months as no cable increases until December, when our new and improved billing system goes into effect and the rates will automatically be raised to add more high-value services to the community.”
LaTonya Mistuatdapartee closed the press briefing by adding, “So iff'n any of youse redneck sum biches don't like it, ya'll can shove it up you...”
“What Ms. Mistuatdapartee is saying is that we all need a bit of patience as we rectify the current situation and restore our high-value services to this wonderful community.” Mr. Yacarski interrupted.
“Muh fuc... Dat wasn't what I's be sayin'! Don't be puttin' no words in my mouf, youse honky, redneck lovin'...”
Ms. LaTonya Mistuatdapartee was hustled off the stage and summarily gagged.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Curious Urinal Monday 9/27/2010
Sesame Street Not Friendly to Hookers
Katy Perry's cleavage cost her a spot with Elmo on "Sesame Street." The long-running kids show decided to ax a song by "California Gurls" singer, siting that her attire was not child-friendly. Elmo said after taping the song, "I was not comfortable with her being dressed like a common streetwalker."
There's no word if Miss Piggy was upset with Kermit the Frog, who offered $20 for a half-hour of ribbits with the singer after the taping.
It seems that Big Bird, as well as Burt and Ernie, protested the appearance. All three carried signs that read, 'We don't like Kissing Gurls!'
Local Restaurateur recovering from injuries
The owner of Sven Jorgensen’s Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet is in the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, recovering from what doctors believe is a severe case of hand cramps and a groin pull. The incident occurred last Friday evening when Sven was whipping up a batch of secret sauce to pour over the latest addition to the menu, Panty Flake Surprise, when he began getting debilitating cramps in his right hand.
This also caused the groin pull apparently, as his grip would not loosen. Aside for some minor blistering in the groin area, doctors were able to loosen the cramped hand with Crisco and the Jaws of Life. Mr. Jorgensen should be released from the hospital as soon as he can pay the bill.
In other news around the area
Local Blues Singer, Milo Days, will be appearing at the Strikes and Suds Bowling Lanes this weekend. His show, called The Milo Days Blues Revue, will be in the bowling alley's lounge. He will perform two shows per night. Tickets go on sale tomorrow. They will cost $10 each in advance, or $7.50 at the door on the days of the show.
Also, Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats will be performing at the Strikes and Suds the following weekend. Tickets will be given away by WBZZ Radio, 895 on you’re A.M. dial.
Sesame Street Not Friendly to Hookers
Katy Perry's cleavage cost her a spot with Elmo on "Sesame Street." The long-running kids show decided to ax a song by "California Gurls" singer, siting that her attire was not child-friendly. Elmo said after taping the song, "I was not comfortable with her being dressed like a common streetwalker."
There's no word if Miss Piggy was upset with Kermit the Frog, who offered $20 for a half-hour of ribbits with the singer after the taping.
It seems that Big Bird, as well as Burt and Ernie, protested the appearance. All three carried signs that read, 'We don't like Kissing Gurls!'
Local Restaurateur recovering from injuries
The owner of Sven Jorgensen’s Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet is in the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, recovering from what doctors believe is a severe case of hand cramps and a groin pull. The incident occurred last Friday evening when Sven was whipping up a batch of secret sauce to pour over the latest addition to the menu, Panty Flake Surprise, when he began getting debilitating cramps in his right hand.
This also caused the groin pull apparently, as his grip would not loosen. Aside for some minor blistering in the groin area, doctors were able to loosen the cramped hand with Crisco and the Jaws of Life. Mr. Jorgensen should be released from the hospital as soon as he can pay the bill.
In other news around the area
Local Blues Singer, Milo Days, will be appearing at the Strikes and Suds Bowling Lanes this weekend. His show, called The Milo Days Blues Revue, will be in the bowling alley's lounge. He will perform two shows per night. Tickets go on sale tomorrow. They will cost $10 each in advance, or $7.50 at the door on the days of the show.
Also, Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats will be performing at the Strikes and Suds the following weekend. Tickets will be given away by WBZZ Radio, 895 on you’re A.M. dial.
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