Local Establishment Tries Out New Format
For years, the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub have tried to keep up with the latest trends. They were first in the area to sell Pet Rocks. Although the rocks tended to be tossed at the lame Country/Western singers that appeared on the weekends back in the day. Then there was Disco Dancing. The Pool tables all had to be re-felted most every week. Then there was Roller Boogie, but the space was too small for roller skating and the plate glass windows had to be replaces too often.
And then came Karaoke.
Now, Karaoke is being added to, as owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger try out the latest craze that's sweeping the nation... Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing.
Considered an extreme sport, Flip Flop Dancing has fast becoming both a fantastic dancing style and a dangerous sport to participate in. The constant tripping and falling is compounded by the drinking and Karaoke Singing. It makes this the most Extreme of Extreme Sports!
Phillip Douschebagger insisted that since their floors are carpeted, except for the dance floor, and around the bar area, the danger of falls are lessened to a degree, but those that choose to participate in this dangerous sport are asked to sign waivers as not to sue the establishment if the participants get injured during the course of their participation.
So, this reporter decided to stop in this past Saturday night to witness first-hand the craze called Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing. After ordering a bucket of beers (Schitts, of course), I sat at a nearby table and watched as the fun began.
First up was Phillip Douschebagger, the owner. He wanted to demonstrate how this new craze worked. He had been drinking since noon, so he was primed to show-off his talents. After beginning to belt-out 'Drinking White Lightning' by Jonas George, he began dancing about in his flip flops. After just a few steps, Mr. Douschebagger began to falter. He tripped, falling head-first into the table nearest the stage and split his skull. As blood gushed from the wound, the crowd applauded respectfully.
After being carried out by EMS (who are on site the entire time during Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing Nights), Erma Clappgiver came up and began singing 'Hey, Help Me I've Fallin' (and can't reach my beer)' by Patsy Clunk. After only three bars of the song, she stepped on her own foot, twisted around and fell into the speakers. As she lay bleeding (with a mild electrical shock to boot), EMS hauled her away, tending to her wounds.
After the speakers were reset. the next contestant came up. It was Erma Buktoof. She is fresh out of jail for the melee the Pool Hall endured a couple of months ago (see 4/28/2010 edition) and ready for some fun. She began singing a Lady Gagme song entitled, 'I Luvs Me Some Prison Bitch' when her date (Lorna Muffdiver, whom she met in jail) began a table dance. Distracted by this, Erma Buktoof stepped on her own flip flop. She pitched forward, her head going between Lorna Muffdiver's legs, knocking her off the table and onto the adjacent table. The tables occupants were members of the Buzzardbait Bad Ass Bikers Club.
A fight soon ensued.
Carefully grabbing my bucket of Schitts beers, I stepped away from the fracas before I became involved.
Johnny “Big Pole” Johnson was the first to react. He grabbed Erma Buktoof by the hair and slung her into the wall. Lorna Muffdiver quickly reached for a beer bottle and crowned “Big Pole” Johnson in the head, sending him sprawling onto the next table. That table was occupied by a group of nuns from Our Lady of Perpetual Agony at St. Buffy's Church over in Hooter Heights. They had dropped by to witness the event and have a few Schitts Beers. The nuns quickly began clubbing the remaining bikers in the heads with chairs and the police were called to break up the fight.
Meanwhile, Vickie Douschebagger tried to get the crowd to stop fighting by getting up and singing 'The Night They Drove Dixie Down to the Bus Station' By Montana Ernie Snuff. She was immediately tackled by Vonda Lukatmytush for the fact that she had planned on singing the very same song later. Jack Midick, in the meantime, reached behind the bar and grabbed a whiskey bottle and hit Roscoe Harritung across the back of his head for no apparent reason. The police arrived soon after and began hauling away the brawlers. That left me and Ivana Jercoff, who had been in the bathroom the entire time, with a bad case of the squirts.
Seeing that we were the only two left in the Pool Hall/Pub, we proceeded to tidy up the place. After cleaning up the blood, the broken glass and emptying the ashtrays, we locked the joint up; taking a few bottles of Schitts Beers with us for our troubles. Later, we ended up in a motel in Lousyville, drinking the Schitts Beers and trying out sexual positions we saw while watching pay-per-view porno. She then went home, and I did the same.
Thus ends another night of fun at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub.
Medical update:
Phillip Douschebagger received 470 stitches to the head and is currently in a coma at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center.
Erma Clappgiver was treated and released for a mild electrocution and second degree burns to her tushy.
Johnny “Big Pole” Johnson and the rest of the Buzzardbait Bad Ass Bikers Club are currently in the ICU of the Lousyville General Hospital for various injuries sustained in the brawl with the nuns.
Police Report:
Erma Buktoof and Lorna Muffdiver are both back behind bars for inciting a riot, a misdemeanor, and will face Judge Hugh Harshly Thursday morning for their bail hearing.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
THIS WEEK IN MUSIC...
A sampling of some of the CD's hitting the Buzzardbait Music store this week.
The Baddest Blues-man from Buzzardbait is at it again. Milo Days just released his 57th album in 10 years, entitled: This is da Blues, Baby! It consist of 18 tracks that are guaranteed to have you drinkin' and bluesin' just like old Milo. The title song, This is da Blues, Baby is probably the best Milo has done since his first CD, I gots Dem I needs Sum Money Blues!
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Also new in stores this week Is Lil Pimperoo's debut CD, Bitches and Hocakes. For those of you who like your music Hip-hopped, this will fill the bill. The title song, Bitches and Hocakes is good, but the second track, Let's Butcher Whitey and Feed him to da Dawgs is pure Lil Pimperoo!
Country Boys On Dope has released their second CD, The Bar I Grew Up In! This is the follow-up to last year's debut CD, I Missed The Bus. 'The Bar I Grew Up In' is a bittersweet Country song that reminds me of my days in the bar I grew up in. The rest of the CD is pretty much crap, but if you're drinking, you won't notice.
Foreign Models, the Japanese girl band releases their Latest CD called, I Gotta Go NOW! It's a techno-lovers dream, and if you understand Japanese, you might understand the lyrics too!
Justin Biejerk releases his latest pre-teen (Pwetween)CD, Daddy's Little Girls. Honestly, I hated this CD. I thought the entire thing was a waste of valuable time, money and effort. Justin should grow some pubes before trying to sing about crap he has yet to experience!
Just when I thought modern music was dead, someone comes along and proves me right. The Tailgaters, Are you following me? is by far, the worst CD I have even had the displeasure of listening to. All 9 tracks have the same beat, monotonous vocals, and some guy who thinks beating the guitar with a hammer constitutes playing. The record label obviously consists of tone deaf, money-wasting idiots. I predict this one will be on the clearance racks in a week!
Now here's a country artists that knows how to sell a CD. Tammy Whynott's latest, Don't Come Home a Drinkin' With Tuna on Your Breath! is pure country at it's absolute finest. Ms. Whynott's voice is as good as ever. She sounds like a woman who smokes three packs of Camels a day and chugs at least a case of beer before each recording session. A great choice if you're in the market for forgettable music!
And finally, Anita Blojobb's Comedy CD hits the stores this week. The CD, Wrap Your Lips Around This! is about as funny as her last CD, but not as good as her first, which wasn't all that good to begin with. This woman needs to go back into retail and STFU!
A sampling of some of the CD's hitting the Buzzardbait Music store this week.
The Baddest Blues-man from Buzzardbait is at it again. Milo Days just released his 57th album in 10 years, entitled: This is da Blues, Baby! It consist of 18 tracks that are guaranteed to have you drinkin' and bluesin' just like old Milo. The title song, This is da Blues, Baby is probably the best Milo has done since his first CD, I gots Dem I needs Sum Money Blues!
.jpg)
Also new in stores this week Is Lil Pimperoo's debut CD, Bitches and Hocakes. For those of you who like your music Hip-hopped, this will fill the bill. The title song, Bitches and Hocakes is good, but the second track, Let's Butcher Whitey and Feed him to da Dawgs is pure Lil Pimperoo!
Country Boys On Dope has released their second CD, The Bar I Grew Up In! This is the follow-up to last year's debut CD, I Missed The Bus. 'The Bar I Grew Up In' is a bittersweet Country song that reminds me of my days in the bar I grew up in. The rest of the CD is pretty much crap, but if you're drinking, you won't notice.
Foreign Models, the Japanese girl band releases their Latest CD called, I Gotta Go NOW! It's a techno-lovers dream, and if you understand Japanese, you might understand the lyrics too!
Justin Biejerk releases his latest pre-teen (Pwetween)CD, Daddy's Little Girls. Honestly, I hated this CD. I thought the entire thing was a waste of valuable time, money and effort. Justin should grow some pubes before trying to sing about crap he has yet to experience!
Just when I thought modern music was dead, someone comes along and proves me right. The Tailgaters, Are you following me? is by far, the worst CD I have even had the displeasure of listening to. All 9 tracks have the same beat, monotonous vocals, and some guy who thinks beating the guitar with a hammer constitutes playing. The record label obviously consists of tone deaf, money-wasting idiots. I predict this one will be on the clearance racks in a week!
Now here's a country artists that knows how to sell a CD. Tammy Whynott's latest, Don't Come Home a Drinkin' With Tuna on Your Breath! is pure country at it's absolute finest. Ms. Whynott's voice is as good as ever. She sounds like a woman who smokes three packs of Camels a day and chugs at least a case of beer before each recording session. A great choice if you're in the market for forgettable music!
And finally, Anita Blojobb's Comedy CD hits the stores this week. The CD, Wrap Your Lips Around This! is about as funny as her last CD, but not as good as her first, which wasn't all that good to begin with. This woman needs to go back into retail and STFU!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Quote of the day:
“Kids are like any other group of people a few winners, a whole lot of losers! This country is filled with loser kids who simply aren't going anywhere! You can't save them all. You can't do it. You gotta let 'em go, you gotta cut 'em loose; you gotta stop over-protecting them, because your making 'em too soft. For one thing, there's too much emphasis on safety and safety equipment: childproof medicine bottles, fireproof pajamas, child restraints, car seats. And helmets! Bicycle, baseball, skateboard, scooter helmets. And I also know that all you boring single dads and working moms, who think you're such heros, aren't gonna like this, but somebody's gotta tell you, your children are overrated and overvalued, and you've turned them into little cult objects. What ever happened to natural selection, survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn't grow up to have kids of his own. Simple stuff. Nature knows best!”
George Carlin
“Kids are like any other group of people a few winners, a whole lot of losers! This country is filled with loser kids who simply aren't going anywhere! You can't save them all. You can't do it. You gotta let 'em go, you gotta cut 'em loose; you gotta stop over-protecting them, because your making 'em too soft. For one thing, there's too much emphasis on safety and safety equipment: childproof medicine bottles, fireproof pajamas, child restraints, car seats. And helmets! Bicycle, baseball, skateboard, scooter helmets. And I also know that all you boring single dads and working moms, who think you're such heros, aren't gonna like this, but somebody's gotta tell you, your children are overrated and overvalued, and you've turned them into little cult objects. What ever happened to natural selection, survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn't grow up to have kids of his own. Simple stuff. Nature knows best!”
George Carlin
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Letters to the Editor
Dear Sirs/Madame's,
In a recent article, you mentioned that Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center was hiring for a position in shrubbery. Did I misunderstand? I went to apply for the position, yet they said that they were not hiring. Mark Mudflap, Poon Point, KY.
Mark,
The article read, “Henry Hyrum, a patient at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, was arrested for trying to perform a sex act with the shrubbery at the Lawn Care portion of the business. The position he was trying to use is now being called the Hyrum Hump by the Buzzardbait Police Department.” Sorry if this caused you any undo trouble in your job search.
Dear Editor,
I was interested in a delivery route job with the Curious Urinal. To whom do I speak with in Human Resources to secure an interview?
Justen Sloth, Big Mounds, KY.
Jutsen,
We are an “Online Newspaper” and not a print newspaper. It would be hard to deliver the “Online Newspaper” into a paper box. Maybe you should invest in some further education before you go off trying to secure a job. Buzzardbait University has classes in basket weaving and lawn ornament painting that you might look into.
Mr. Editor,
You seem to have a vast knowledge of all things Buzzardbait. But I bet you didn't know that Buzzardbait wasn't the original name of the town. What was the original name, if your so danged smart?
Arthur Aspwiper, Hooter Heights, KY
Arthur,
The original name for Buzzardbait was Vulture Vomit, but some old twit decided that she didn't like the word Vomit used in connection to the name, thus Buzzardbait became the new name of the town! And since the story just came out yesterday, I'm sure that you read it and decided that you could outsmart me. You must know that I am all-powerful, all-seeing, omnipotent and one hell of a horizontal dancer!
Hey Editor,
I came across an article about something that I'm not sure what it means. Can you tell me why this might be the case? And if so, what can be done about it?
Bill Farnswaggler, Aureole Acres, KY
Hey Bill... Huh?
Sirs,
In regard to the previous letter: What the hell was he even talking about?
I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights, KY.
I.M., I wish I knew.
To the Editor,
Yesterday I took a crap on your paper. It was the best thing I have seen coming from your rag in a very long time!
Name withheld by request, Lousyville, KY.
At least you're paper trained... Oh, btw, Can you see your computer screen now?
Sirs,
I recently read the article about the Buzzardbait Zoo acquiring new attractions. I was the person who located the Meerkat. To correct your obvious attempt at making me out to be some animal hater, I did not shoot the thing with a pellet gun... It was buckshot! Secondly, I did put the animal in a bag, but I did not use a baseball bat on it to “calm it down” as you suggested. I used the butt end of the shotgun to whip the shit out of that thing! It's obvious that your reporter was suggesting that I would hurt the animal just because I could. The reality was that I hurt the animal because it looked like my ex-wife's mother when she came out of the bathroom after a prolonged squat on the throne. I had a flashback and grabbed my shotgun because of that, nothing more. Please, in the future, get your facts straight!
“Greasy” Louis Oozenoil, Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes, Buzzardbait, KY.
Sorry about that, Louie
Send your letters to us and you may see your letter published.
And now a word from one of our valued sponsors:
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And Remember, when you buy Penguin Balls, you're helping to stamp out the overpopulation of penguins in the Antarctic.
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Disclaimer:
Penguin Balls are made with real Antarctic penguin testicles, cut off at the peak of their sexual prime. These penguins will now waddle with less of a purpose, with nothing hindering them from leading normal, happy lives. They will be free of reproduction and family problems. These eunuch penguins will just swim and eat fish all day, unencumbered by sins of the flesh.
Also, the milk chocolate and peanut butter coatings are artificially flavored. We say it's all-natural, but hey, who has time to actually read the ingredients? In addition, Penguin Balls may contain the following: Sorbic Acid, Aspartame, extremely high levels of sugar (550% of you daily requirement), Corpsedia, Sodium Vibrofoam, less than 3% rodent hair and/or feces, Canine bile (for color) Lemon Beet extract and Tobacco-flavored cumquat juice.
Penguin Balls are a trademark of Consolidated Cybernetics Corp. of America (CCCofA) LLC, Buzzardbait, KY.
Dear Sirs/Madame's,
In a recent article, you mentioned that Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center was hiring for a position in shrubbery. Did I misunderstand? I went to apply for the position, yet they said that they were not hiring. Mark Mudflap, Poon Point, KY.
Mark,
The article read, “Henry Hyrum, a patient at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, was arrested for trying to perform a sex act with the shrubbery at the Lawn Care portion of the business. The position he was trying to use is now being called the Hyrum Hump by the Buzzardbait Police Department.” Sorry if this caused you any undo trouble in your job search.
Dear Editor,
I was interested in a delivery route job with the Curious Urinal. To whom do I speak with in Human Resources to secure an interview?
Justen Sloth, Big Mounds, KY.
Jutsen,
We are an “Online Newspaper” and not a print newspaper. It would be hard to deliver the “Online Newspaper” into a paper box. Maybe you should invest in some further education before you go off trying to secure a job. Buzzardbait University has classes in basket weaving and lawn ornament painting that you might look into.
Mr. Editor,
You seem to have a vast knowledge of all things Buzzardbait. But I bet you didn't know that Buzzardbait wasn't the original name of the town. What was the original name, if your so danged smart?
Arthur Aspwiper, Hooter Heights, KY
Arthur,
The original name for Buzzardbait was Vulture Vomit, but some old twit decided that she didn't like the word Vomit used in connection to the name, thus Buzzardbait became the new name of the town! And since the story just came out yesterday, I'm sure that you read it and decided that you could outsmart me. You must know that I am all-powerful, all-seeing, omnipotent and one hell of a horizontal dancer!
Hey Editor,
I came across an article about something that I'm not sure what it means. Can you tell me why this might be the case? And if so, what can be done about it?
Bill Farnswaggler, Aureole Acres, KY
Hey Bill... Huh?
Sirs,
In regard to the previous letter: What the hell was he even talking about?
I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights, KY.
I.M., I wish I knew.
To the Editor,
Yesterday I took a crap on your paper. It was the best thing I have seen coming from your rag in a very long time!
Name withheld by request, Lousyville, KY.
At least you're paper trained... Oh, btw, Can you see your computer screen now?
Sirs,
I recently read the article about the Buzzardbait Zoo acquiring new attractions. I was the person who located the Meerkat. To correct your obvious attempt at making me out to be some animal hater, I did not shoot the thing with a pellet gun... It was buckshot! Secondly, I did put the animal in a bag, but I did not use a baseball bat on it to “calm it down” as you suggested. I used the butt end of the shotgun to whip the shit out of that thing! It's obvious that your reporter was suggesting that I would hurt the animal just because I could. The reality was that I hurt the animal because it looked like my ex-wife's mother when she came out of the bathroom after a prolonged squat on the throne. I had a flashback and grabbed my shotgun because of that, nothing more. Please, in the future, get your facts straight!
“Greasy” Louis Oozenoil, Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes, Buzzardbait, KY.
Sorry about that, Louie
Send your letters to us and you may see your letter published.
And now a word from one of our valued sponsors:
Tired of the same old snacks? In need of something different? Something that's all-natural and loaded with essential proteins you body needs?
Then try New Penguin Balls!
.jpg)
They're the frozen snack treat that's sweeping the nation. They're all-natural, with no artificial flavorings. Just pure Penguin Balls, lovingly coated with fructose. And they come in three delicious flavors: Milk Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Meat. These frozen treats are sure to please even the most discriminating taste.
And Remember, when you buy Penguin Balls, you're helping to stamp out the overpopulation of penguins in the Antarctic.
So next time you're looking for something different... Try New Penguin Balls!
Disclaimer:
Penguin Balls are made with real Antarctic penguin testicles, cut off at the peak of their sexual prime. These penguins will now waddle with less of a purpose, with nothing hindering them from leading normal, happy lives. They will be free of reproduction and family problems. These eunuch penguins will just swim and eat fish all day, unencumbered by sins of the flesh.
Also, the milk chocolate and peanut butter coatings are artificially flavored. We say it's all-natural, but hey, who has time to actually read the ingredients? In addition, Penguin Balls may contain the following: Sorbic Acid, Aspartame, extremely high levels of sugar (550% of you daily requirement), Corpsedia, Sodium Vibrofoam, less than 3% rodent hair and/or feces, Canine bile (for color) Lemon Beet extract and Tobacco-flavored cumquat juice.
Penguin Balls are a trademark of Consolidated Cybernetics Corp. of America (CCCofA) LLC, Buzzardbait, KY.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A special report from The Curious Urinal
Buzzardbait - The Untold Story.
Every child in Ammo County schools has been taught the story of the founding fathers of Buzzardbait... Or so we thought. Now, after major research into the founding of Buzzardbait and surrounding Ammo County, we can reveal the untold story of Buzzardbait.
It was May, 1810. The weather was hot, and the tempers hotter as Tyrus Piddleplop and George Widdledik of Boston decided to head west to explore the vast unknown. Somewhere around Indiana, the pair ended up losing their compass and headed south. The two swam across the mighty Ohio River (nearly drowning) and ended up on the banks of the river at Lousyville.
They were immediately rolled for change and a pair of boots by a gang of mutant children in Lousyville. Almost fifteen minutes later, they were chased out of town by the police. Seeing no one could understand their thick Bostonian accent, they were mistaken as gypsies. They were unceremoniously piled into a gut wagon and escorted to the city limits, where they were tossed out of the gut wagon and had to make it on foot from there..
Seeing the town of Lousyville was not a fit place to be, Piddleplop and Widdledik began walking in the hot sun, covered with guts and river mud. Smelling like two wet gut piles themselves, they walked for two days until they happened upon a creek. They jumped into the water to bathe themselves and when they left the water, they are purported to have said, “Now that’s a Stinking Creek!” And the name stuck. They looked around and decided that this was a far west as they would dare go. Seeing how the town of Lousyville was hostile, they could only imagine how much worse it would be if they ventured onward.
There were trees and water, and a fair amount of game in the wilderness, so Piddleplop and Widdledik decided to settle the untamed wilderness. Seeing that they had to come up with a suitable name for their new town, each wrote down their ideas and met to compare what they had come up with. Many suggestions were made by each, and all were rejected by the other. The story is officially that Widdledik said to Piddleplop, “This place reminds me of a buzzards roost!”
But documents have been uncovered that suggest that it was indeed Piddleplop saying to Widdledik, “Look, that vulture's vomiting!”
So they agreed to name the town Vulture Vomit.
It so happened that the pair painted a sign that read Welcome to Vulture Vomit and posted it at the city limits. Of course there was no city then, just a coon skin lean-to and a campfire. Several days went by when a wagon load of harlots came passing by and a woman by the name of Nellie Dinkletwit commented, “I hate the name of this town!”
It was Tyrus Piddleplop who looked upon the woman, a homely woman with a wart on her nose and a droopy eye, and said, “Well, you look like buzzard bait to me!”
George Widdledik had an idea and went to repaint the sign: Welcome to Buzzardbait!
Some of the harlots decided to remain in Buzzardbait, and were eaten by the local wildlife. The only survivor was Nellie Dinkletwit. The animals, it seemed, thought she was too ugly to consume and left her alone. She walked nearly an hour until she returned to Buzzardbait and became chummy with Tyrus Piddleplop. Later that afternoon, Piddleplop married the homely madam of the harlots.
That was when Harlan Zuckerphuk, who hauled Glop Beer from nearby Lousyville, came across the little burg called Buzzardbait and suggested the town needed a saloon for wayward travelers. George and Tyrus slaved daily for nearly two days until they had erected a log building with a sign upon the door: Buzzardbait Inn and Saloon. And that was when Piddleplop and his new bride set up the towns first brothel. Seeing that she was the only woman in town at that point, she was very busy.
It was then that a man came wandering into town with no shoes and a thick New York accent. His name was Carmine O’Tinkler. He had been run out of Lousyville two days before because he reminded the police of someone that pissed them off. Immediately Tyrus Piddleplop hired him as the bartender for the Saloon. The following day, Abner Schitts came rolling into town on a beer wagon, where he sold his entire inventory of Piss Beer to the saloon.
At the same time, the rest of the harlots returned to town on their wagon and Madam Nellie Dinkletwit suggested that she let the girls occupy the upstairs rooms and cut George Widdledik and Tyrus Piddleplop in on the action. Besides, Madam Nellie needed the rest. So, the Brothel/Inn was very busy as people from all over the area began flocking to Buzzardbait for the cheap hookers and the beer.
Carmine O’Tinkler and one of the ladies of the brothel, Zula Baggchomper, decided to get married after a whirlwind three day courtship.
Tyrus and Nellie Piddleplop, both yearning for a better life, moved to what is now known as Poon Point and started a Tobacco-flavored Cumquat farm.
George Widdledik then hooked up with another of the ladies, Wilma Dorkhumpper and left to open a free range chicken farm in Arkansas. They never returned to Buzzardbait.
A stranger on a horse by the name of Horace Limpwiggler, stayed at the inn overnight and ended up marrying on of the ladies of the brothel, a big-boobed woman named Carla Winkerdink. The stranger and his new bride settled south of Buzzardbait in what is now known as Hooter Heights. The horse, Horace Limpwiggler, became the star of the Wingding Brothers Circus and went on to appear in the very first western movie, ‘A Fistful of Something Gooey.’
Abner Schitts continued to run beer from Lousyville to Buzzardbait, but later retired and married one of the ladies of the brothel, Lily Whiterump. They started a Lemon Beet farm in what’s now known as Aureole Acres.
That left the last of the ladies of the brothel, Wanda Hormeister. She ran the brothel by hand until she could locate more girls to work there. But at the same time, she married Carmine O’Tinkler, who appointed himself mayor. They also started the Buzzardbait Livery Stable and Feed Store; the Buzzardait Bank and Bathhouse and the Buzzardbait Barber Shop and Dentist Office.
But that was when tragedy came to Buzzardbait. The town was invaded by a vile villain vexing the vibrant village. His name was Texas Rex Beaver. He rode into town and raped all the men and shot all the horses. The women, as the research shows, were often the target of his anger. He would throw horse manure at them and taunt them for wearing frilly undergarments. Obviously Texas Rex Beaver had issues.
But a lawman soon rode into town. Marshall Roscoe Clappgiver was trailing Texas Rex Beaver and there was a gunfight on Main Street three days thereafter. Beaver was gunned down and buried out in the wilderness in what is now known as Beaver Lick. Marshall Clappgiver was offered the job as town sheriff and began setting up what is now the Buzzardbait Police Department.
And that beats the official story that has been taught to the children in school. The painstaking three days of research trumps the official story that Piddleplop and Widdledik settled Buzzardbait and later shipped out to fight the Indians at Fort Knox, or the alternative version that had the pair mining for gold in the Klondike and becoming major player at the Battle of the Wounded Elbow when Canada invaded Sweden back in 1851.
So now you know the real story of Buzzardbait, Kentucky. Don’t you feel better?
A paid advertisement:
He has swam the Amazon River in search of lost civilizations.
He has raced cars in Monte Carlo, just to prove to himself he could.
He has climbed mighty mountains, just to watch the sunset.
He adorned a matador's outfit and stepped in the ring with El Toro Diablo, the meanest bull south of the border...
And that's where he screwed up!
He doesn’t always drink beer,... But now, when he does, it will be through an IV.
Tres Equis... Stay thirsty, and away from the bull, my friends.
XXX Tres Equis. © Buzzardbait Brewery and Sludge Pond, Buzzardbait, KY
Buzzardbait - The Untold Story.
Every child in Ammo County schools has been taught the story of the founding fathers of Buzzardbait... Or so we thought. Now, after major research into the founding of Buzzardbait and surrounding Ammo County, we can reveal the untold story of Buzzardbait.
It was May, 1810. The weather was hot, and the tempers hotter as Tyrus Piddleplop and George Widdledik of Boston decided to head west to explore the vast unknown. Somewhere around Indiana, the pair ended up losing their compass and headed south. The two swam across the mighty Ohio River (nearly drowning) and ended up on the banks of the river at Lousyville.
They were immediately rolled for change and a pair of boots by a gang of mutant children in Lousyville. Almost fifteen minutes later, they were chased out of town by the police. Seeing no one could understand their thick Bostonian accent, they were mistaken as gypsies. They were unceremoniously piled into a gut wagon and escorted to the city limits, where they were tossed out of the gut wagon and had to make it on foot from there..
Seeing the town of Lousyville was not a fit place to be, Piddleplop and Widdledik began walking in the hot sun, covered with guts and river mud. Smelling like two wet gut piles themselves, they walked for two days until they happened upon a creek. They jumped into the water to bathe themselves and when they left the water, they are purported to have said, “Now that’s a Stinking Creek!” And the name stuck. They looked around and decided that this was a far west as they would dare go. Seeing how the town of Lousyville was hostile, they could only imagine how much worse it would be if they ventured onward.
There were trees and water, and a fair amount of game in the wilderness, so Piddleplop and Widdledik decided to settle the untamed wilderness. Seeing that they had to come up with a suitable name for their new town, each wrote down their ideas and met to compare what they had come up with. Many suggestions were made by each, and all were rejected by the other. The story is officially that Widdledik said to Piddleplop, “This place reminds me of a buzzards roost!”
But documents have been uncovered that suggest that it was indeed Piddleplop saying to Widdledik, “Look, that vulture's vomiting!”
So they agreed to name the town Vulture Vomit.
It so happened that the pair painted a sign that read Welcome to Vulture Vomit and posted it at the city limits. Of course there was no city then, just a coon skin lean-to and a campfire. Several days went by when a wagon load of harlots came passing by and a woman by the name of Nellie Dinkletwit commented, “I hate the name of this town!”
It was Tyrus Piddleplop who looked upon the woman, a homely woman with a wart on her nose and a droopy eye, and said, “Well, you look like buzzard bait to me!”
George Widdledik had an idea and went to repaint the sign: Welcome to Buzzardbait!
Some of the harlots decided to remain in Buzzardbait, and were eaten by the local wildlife. The only survivor was Nellie Dinkletwit. The animals, it seemed, thought she was too ugly to consume and left her alone. She walked nearly an hour until she returned to Buzzardbait and became chummy with Tyrus Piddleplop. Later that afternoon, Piddleplop married the homely madam of the harlots.
That was when Harlan Zuckerphuk, who hauled Glop Beer from nearby Lousyville, came across the little burg called Buzzardbait and suggested the town needed a saloon for wayward travelers. George and Tyrus slaved daily for nearly two days until they had erected a log building with a sign upon the door: Buzzardbait Inn and Saloon. And that was when Piddleplop and his new bride set up the towns first brothel. Seeing that she was the only woman in town at that point, she was very busy.
It was then that a man came wandering into town with no shoes and a thick New York accent. His name was Carmine O’Tinkler. He had been run out of Lousyville two days before because he reminded the police of someone that pissed them off. Immediately Tyrus Piddleplop hired him as the bartender for the Saloon. The following day, Abner Schitts came rolling into town on a beer wagon, where he sold his entire inventory of Piss Beer to the saloon.
At the same time, the rest of the harlots returned to town on their wagon and Madam Nellie Dinkletwit suggested that she let the girls occupy the upstairs rooms and cut George Widdledik and Tyrus Piddleplop in on the action. Besides, Madam Nellie needed the rest. So, the Brothel/Inn was very busy as people from all over the area began flocking to Buzzardbait for the cheap hookers and the beer.
Carmine O’Tinkler and one of the ladies of the brothel, Zula Baggchomper, decided to get married after a whirlwind three day courtship.
Tyrus and Nellie Piddleplop, both yearning for a better life, moved to what is now known as Poon Point and started a Tobacco-flavored Cumquat farm.
George Widdledik then hooked up with another of the ladies, Wilma Dorkhumpper and left to open a free range chicken farm in Arkansas. They never returned to Buzzardbait.
A stranger on a horse by the name of Horace Limpwiggler, stayed at the inn overnight and ended up marrying on of the ladies of the brothel, a big-boobed woman named Carla Winkerdink. The stranger and his new bride settled south of Buzzardbait in what is now known as Hooter Heights. The horse, Horace Limpwiggler, became the star of the Wingding Brothers Circus and went on to appear in the very first western movie, ‘A Fistful of Something Gooey.’
Abner Schitts continued to run beer from Lousyville to Buzzardbait, but later retired and married one of the ladies of the brothel, Lily Whiterump. They started a Lemon Beet farm in what’s now known as Aureole Acres.
That left the last of the ladies of the brothel, Wanda Hormeister. She ran the brothel by hand until she could locate more girls to work there. But at the same time, she married Carmine O’Tinkler, who appointed himself mayor. They also started the Buzzardbait Livery Stable and Feed Store; the Buzzardait Bank and Bathhouse and the Buzzardbait Barber Shop and Dentist Office.
But that was when tragedy came to Buzzardbait. The town was invaded by a vile villain vexing the vibrant village. His name was Texas Rex Beaver. He rode into town and raped all the men and shot all the horses. The women, as the research shows, were often the target of his anger. He would throw horse manure at them and taunt them for wearing frilly undergarments. Obviously Texas Rex Beaver had issues.
But a lawman soon rode into town. Marshall Roscoe Clappgiver was trailing Texas Rex Beaver and there was a gunfight on Main Street three days thereafter. Beaver was gunned down and buried out in the wilderness in what is now known as Beaver Lick. Marshall Clappgiver was offered the job as town sheriff and began setting up what is now the Buzzardbait Police Department.
And that beats the official story that has been taught to the children in school. The painstaking three days of research trumps the official story that Piddleplop and Widdledik settled Buzzardbait and later shipped out to fight the Indians at Fort Knox, or the alternative version that had the pair mining for gold in the Klondike and becoming major player at the Battle of the Wounded Elbow when Canada invaded Sweden back in 1851.
So now you know the real story of Buzzardbait, Kentucky. Don’t you feel better?
A paid advertisement:
He has swam the Amazon River in search of lost civilizations.
He has raced cars in Monte Carlo, just to prove to himself he could.
He has climbed mighty mountains, just to watch the sunset.
He adorned a matador's outfit and stepped in the ring with El Toro Diablo, the meanest bull south of the border...
And that's where he screwed up!
He doesn’t always drink beer,... But now, when he does, it will be through an IV.
Tres Equis... Stay thirsty, and away from the bull, my friends.
XXX Tres Equis. © Buzzardbait Brewery and Sludge Pond, Buzzardbait, KY
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Primary Election Results from Ammo County Elections Board
The is a special Saturday update from The Curious Urinal
With both precincts closed at 7 p.m. Tuesday night, the vote counting began for Erma Stufenballot, Director of Voter Registration at the Ammo County Courthouse and Corn Dog Stand.
With a record number of votes to be counted, the tallying took nearly 4 days. But finally they are counted and here are the verified primary election results.
Republican County Road Commissioner Oliver Closoff defeated newcomer Billy “Boot to the Head” Kluben with the vote tally being 36 votes for Closoff - 6 for Kluben.
Democrat Carrie Lisp barely defeated her twin brother, Craig Lisp in the battle for the County Road Commissioner post. Even their parents voted along party lines and chose to vote for the Republican Oliver Closoff, stating, “Neither of those kids are worth shooting. I wouldn’t vote for them to be County Dogcatcher, much less taking care of the roads. Hell, they never could keep their rooms straight! How can you trust them to do anything else right?”
So now, Carrie Lisp will take Oliver Closoff on in the November election.
For Traffic Commissioner, Parker Oberdar won his bid to defeat current Traffic Commissioner Vernon Jeliphish, 30 - 16. Now Oberdar will run unopposed in the November election.
Buzzardbait’s Mayor for Life, Democrat Gerald Aberhamsterson won a hard fought race against Howard D. Ucklebalm 32 - 21 Aberhamsterson was thinking about dropping out of the race to pursue a career in the ministry, but decided that if he couldn’t be a god, he’d continue to be mayor.
The Republican race for Mayor was won by “Big” Willy Wanghamer, who defeated Charlie Haus, although the vote was tied at 10 each. The two decided to arm-wrestle, with the winner to be the declared winner. Wanghamer, a retired professional wrestler, pinned Haus’ arm in three seconds, then body-slammed Haus, got him in a step-over toe hold and won the race with that submission hold.
So it will be Aberhamsterson vs. Wanghamer in a no holds barred battle royal come November.
State Senator for Ammo County, (D)Mandrake Cashferme, ran unopposed and still lost to None of the Above 47- 0. A run-off election will have to be held to fill the seat. Senator Cashferme is said to be demanding a recount.
On the Republican ticket, Wendell Wadsworth overcame a close challenge from Dino D. Boinker with a final count of 16 - 4. Wadsworth will square off against None of the Above if it is declared the winner of the Run-off election.
Congressman for the 69th Precinct, (D)Betsy Filsumup won a hard fought race against Phillip Groinful. Groinful, a Hooter Heights businessman, spent nearly $600 on his race and still lost to Filsumup, who just spent $50 and bought a case of beer to defeat her challenger.
In the Republican Race for congress, Elam Lawless lost to Tea Party favorite (L) Elmer ‘The Talking’ Broom. The vote was 41 - 3.
Filsumup and Broom will now do battle. Broom says he wants to be the one to head to Washington to sweep through congress and clean things up..
For the office of School Board President, Shirley Yejest lost her seat to Maggie Muckraker, who ran on the promise of education reform by a margin of 37 - 1. Mrs. Yejest is now said to be mulling over a run for statewide office since she received no help from Ammo County Teachers after she told them that if they voted for anyone else, she would personally rip their heads off and shit down their necks. All of the teachers apparently decided not to vote at all. And speaking with her husband, he said he had abstained from voting in the primary due to being away on business (delivering a fresh load of beer to Big Al’s Titty Emporium).
Judge Hugh Harshly won another term as Judge Magistrate. He was opposed by Local Lawyer Sidney Suem of the Findham, Skrewem and Suem Law Firm. The vote count was 32- 6.
There were no Democrats who wished to oppose Judge Hugh Harshly in November.
The November Elections will be held in November, oddly enough.
The is a special Saturday update from The Curious Urinal
With both precincts closed at 7 p.m. Tuesday night, the vote counting began for Erma Stufenballot, Director of Voter Registration at the Ammo County Courthouse and Corn Dog Stand.
With a record number of votes to be counted, the tallying took nearly 4 days. But finally they are counted and here are the verified primary election results.
Republican County Road Commissioner Oliver Closoff defeated newcomer Billy “Boot to the Head” Kluben with the vote tally being 36 votes for Closoff - 6 for Kluben.
Democrat Carrie Lisp barely defeated her twin brother, Craig Lisp in the battle for the County Road Commissioner post. Even their parents voted along party lines and chose to vote for the Republican Oliver Closoff, stating, “Neither of those kids are worth shooting. I wouldn’t vote for them to be County Dogcatcher, much less taking care of the roads. Hell, they never could keep their rooms straight! How can you trust them to do anything else right?”
So now, Carrie Lisp will take Oliver Closoff on in the November election.
For Traffic Commissioner, Parker Oberdar won his bid to defeat current Traffic Commissioner Vernon Jeliphish, 30 - 16. Now Oberdar will run unopposed in the November election.
Buzzardbait’s Mayor for Life, Democrat Gerald Aberhamsterson won a hard fought race against Howard D. Ucklebalm 32 - 21 Aberhamsterson was thinking about dropping out of the race to pursue a career in the ministry, but decided that if he couldn’t be a god, he’d continue to be mayor.
The Republican race for Mayor was won by “Big” Willy Wanghamer, who defeated Charlie Haus, although the vote was tied at 10 each. The two decided to arm-wrestle, with the winner to be the declared winner. Wanghamer, a retired professional wrestler, pinned Haus’ arm in three seconds, then body-slammed Haus, got him in a step-over toe hold and won the race with that submission hold.
So it will be Aberhamsterson vs. Wanghamer in a no holds barred battle royal come November.
State Senator for Ammo County, (D)Mandrake Cashferme, ran unopposed and still lost to None of the Above 47- 0. A run-off election will have to be held to fill the seat. Senator Cashferme is said to be demanding a recount.
On the Republican ticket, Wendell Wadsworth overcame a close challenge from Dino D. Boinker with a final count of 16 - 4. Wadsworth will square off against None of the Above if it is declared the winner of the Run-off election.
Congressman for the 69th Precinct, (D)Betsy Filsumup won a hard fought race against Phillip Groinful. Groinful, a Hooter Heights businessman, spent nearly $600 on his race and still lost to Filsumup, who just spent $50 and bought a case of beer to defeat her challenger.
In the Republican Race for congress, Elam Lawless lost to Tea Party favorite (L) Elmer ‘The Talking’ Broom. The vote was 41 - 3.
Filsumup and Broom will now do battle. Broom says he wants to be the one to head to Washington to sweep through congress and clean things up..
For the office of School Board President, Shirley Yejest lost her seat to Maggie Muckraker, who ran on the promise of education reform by a margin of 37 - 1. Mrs. Yejest is now said to be mulling over a run for statewide office since she received no help from Ammo County Teachers after she told them that if they voted for anyone else, she would personally rip their heads off and shit down their necks. All of the teachers apparently decided not to vote at all. And speaking with her husband, he said he had abstained from voting in the primary due to being away on business (delivering a fresh load of beer to Big Al’s Titty Emporium).
Judge Hugh Harshly won another term as Judge Magistrate. He was opposed by Local Lawyer Sidney Suem of the Findham, Skrewem and Suem Law Firm. The vote count was 32- 6.
There were no Democrats who wished to oppose Judge Hugh Harshly in November.
The November Elections will be held in November, oddly enough.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Monday 5/22
Candidate Faux Pas sends media into frenzy
Over the past few days, controversy has surrounded Elmer ‘The Talking’ Broom. A month ago, the Lousyville newspaper did an interview with him and asked the candidate about the Civil Rights Act of 1964. The Lousyvilly newspaper sat on the story until after the election results were final. Then they released the story and caused a firestorm in the mainstream media.
Now, in an exclusive interview, The Curious Urinal will ask Elmer 'The Talking' Broom about this media feeding frenzy he had found himself in.
Curious Urinal (CU): So, what lessons have you learned since winning the primary last Tuesday?
Elmer Broom (E.B.): Not to talk to Lousyville reporters for one thing. (laughter) But seriously, I know that words matter, and sometimes people take things you say out of proportion.
CU: So, what exactly are your views on the CRA (Civil Rights Act) of '64?
E.B: Exactly what they have always been.
CU: And that would be?
E.B.: I have clearly stated that I wholeheartedly rejoice in there being absolutely no discrimination. In face, I rejoice that discrimination is something that is long gone from the social make-up of this wonderful country!
CU: Really? I thought that there was still discrimination all over America today.
E.B.: Where?
CU: Well, just last week, a local man named Harley Werken couldn't get a job at Hooterys. All because he didn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top.
E.B.: That sucks! When I'm elected, I'll stop that shit!
CU: Please don't. Have you ever seen Harley Werken? He doesn't look good in anything!
E.B.: But still, I am all for there being no discrimination anywhere, at anytime!
CU: Now onto more important matters...
E.B.: In fact, I can tell you that I will make it a point to fire off legislation to make sure that no one ever gets discriminated at Hooterys ever again!
CU: Okay. Now, if I could ask...
E.B.: This is America, dammit! If Harley Werken wants to work at Hooterys, then By Jenkies I'll push it so that he can, and will get a job there. And he'll be able to live the American dream!
CU: Great. So, on to your stand on...
E.B.: This makes me mad as hell! A poor man who needs a job is discriminated against because he doesn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top is simply not the America I know! How dare those at Hooterys to deny some hard working, unemployed guy a chance to make a decent living! How dare they thumb their noses at someone that obviously wants to work!
CU: Can we move on here? I wanted to ask...
E.B.: I think I'm going to call for a general boycott of all Hooterys in the nation, starting with the one here in Buzzardbait, and...
CU: There isn't a Hooterys in Buzzardbait. That's in Lousyville.
E.B.: Then I'm off to Lousyville to boycott the Hooterys there.
CU: But what about the interview?
E.B.: You'd put your interview above the rights of some poor soul who needs a job and is discriminated against?
CU: Like I said, if you saw Harley Werken, you'd understand why they wouldn't hire him.
E.B.: Discrimination on someones looks is not a valid reason. He could look like a steaming pile of dog vomit and I'd stand up for his rights!
CU: Actually he looks like the end of a hard winter. He's 6'3” and weighs in at all of 88 pounds. He reminds me of an oversized Q-tip that was used and tossed out.
E.B.: (pondering) That bad, huh?
CU: Yes, he's that bad.
E.B.: Screw him then.
CU: Now onto...
E.B. Sorry, I have to run. I have an interview with Diane Sawbones in a couple of minutes and I want to brush my teeth and put on some Musk cologne.
CU: I see. Well, okay then. Thank for your time.
E.B.: And be sure to vote for me come November!
Candidate Faux Pas sends media into frenzy
Over the past few days, controversy has surrounded Elmer ‘The Talking’ Broom. A month ago, the Lousyville newspaper did an interview with him and asked the candidate about the Civil Rights Act of 1964. The Lousyvilly newspaper sat on the story until after the election results were final. Then they released the story and caused a firestorm in the mainstream media.
Now, in an exclusive interview, The Curious Urinal will ask Elmer 'The Talking' Broom about this media feeding frenzy he had found himself in.
Curious Urinal (CU): So, what lessons have you learned since winning the primary last Tuesday?
Elmer Broom (E.B.): Not to talk to Lousyville reporters for one thing. (laughter) But seriously, I know that words matter, and sometimes people take things you say out of proportion.
CU: So, what exactly are your views on the CRA (Civil Rights Act) of '64?
E.B: Exactly what they have always been.
CU: And that would be?
E.B.: I have clearly stated that I wholeheartedly rejoice in there being absolutely no discrimination. In face, I rejoice that discrimination is something that is long gone from the social make-up of this wonderful country!
CU: Really? I thought that there was still discrimination all over America today.
E.B.: Where?
CU: Well, just last week, a local man named Harley Werken couldn't get a job at Hooterys. All because he didn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top.
E.B.: That sucks! When I'm elected, I'll stop that shit!
CU: Please don't. Have you ever seen Harley Werken? He doesn't look good in anything!
E.B.: But still, I am all for there being no discrimination anywhere, at anytime!
CU: Now onto more important matters...
E.B.: In fact, I can tell you that I will make it a point to fire off legislation to make sure that no one ever gets discriminated at Hooterys ever again!
CU: Okay. Now, if I could ask...
E.B.: This is America, dammit! If Harley Werken wants to work at Hooterys, then By Jenkies I'll push it so that he can, and will get a job there. And he'll be able to live the American dream!
CU: Great. So, on to your stand on...
E.B.: This makes me mad as hell! A poor man who needs a job is discriminated against because he doesn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top is simply not the America I know! How dare those at Hooterys to deny some hard working, unemployed guy a chance to make a decent living! How dare they thumb their noses at someone that obviously wants to work!
CU: Can we move on here? I wanted to ask...
E.B.: I think I'm going to call for a general boycott of all Hooterys in the nation, starting with the one here in Buzzardbait, and...
CU: There isn't a Hooterys in Buzzardbait. That's in Lousyville.
E.B.: Then I'm off to Lousyville to boycott the Hooterys there.
CU: But what about the interview?
E.B.: You'd put your interview above the rights of some poor soul who needs a job and is discriminated against?
CU: Like I said, if you saw Harley Werken, you'd understand why they wouldn't hire him.
E.B.: Discrimination on someones looks is not a valid reason. He could look like a steaming pile of dog vomit and I'd stand up for his rights!
CU: Actually he looks like the end of a hard winter. He's 6'3” and weighs in at all of 88 pounds. He reminds me of an oversized Q-tip that was used and tossed out.
E.B.: (pondering) That bad, huh?
CU: Yes, he's that bad.
E.B.: Screw him then.
CU: Now onto...
E.B. Sorry, I have to run. I have an interview with Diane Sawbones in a couple of minutes and I want to brush my teeth and put on some Musk cologne.
CU: I see. Well, okay then. Thank for your time.
E.B.: And be sure to vote for me come November!
Satan Visits Local Church
The Reverend Larry Satan (pronounced Johnson) will be paying a visit to The Church of Some Guy Named Fred this Sunday for their annual Tent Revival. This Year's tent revival is being called, This Year's Tent Revival, the same as last year. This is mostly due to the fact that they already have the banner sign from last year and hated to waste it.
Among the assorted speakers at this years event will be the Reverend Nemo Cash of the St. Aureole Church in Hooter Heights. And this year, Reverend Fred Fuchbucker is out of jail, so all donations this year will go to keeping the attorney fees paid up so he can stay out of jail.
As you may recall, last year Reverend Fred was being held in the Ammo County Jail on solicitation to have gay sex with a man of Asian decent During this last years Chinese New Years Celebration at Won Hung Lo's House of Sushi and XXX Cinema. Reverend Fred kept insisting that he was not asking the young man for gay sex, but was wanting to order Cream of Sum Yung Gui. The jury found him not guilty and allowed Reverend Fred to return to his church.
The Tent Revival begins at noon Sunday and will run until they decide to end it.
The Reverend Larry Satan (pronounced Johnson) will be paying a visit to The Church of Some Guy Named Fred this Sunday for their annual Tent Revival. This Year's tent revival is being called, This Year's Tent Revival, the same as last year. This is mostly due to the fact that they already have the banner sign from last year and hated to waste it.
Among the assorted speakers at this years event will be the Reverend Nemo Cash of the St. Aureole Church in Hooter Heights. And this year, Reverend Fred Fuchbucker is out of jail, so all donations this year will go to keeping the attorney fees paid up so he can stay out of jail.
As you may recall, last year Reverend Fred was being held in the Ammo County Jail on solicitation to have gay sex with a man of Asian decent During this last years Chinese New Years Celebration at Won Hung Lo's House of Sushi and XXX Cinema. Reverend Fred kept insisting that he was not asking the young man for gay sex, but was wanting to order Cream of Sum Yung Gui. The jury found him not guilty and allowed Reverend Fred to return to his church.
The Tent Revival begins at noon Sunday and will run until they decide to end it.
Monday, May 17, 2010
It's Wednesday again, and that means surprise day here at the old Curious Urinal. And just like last week, I'm posting actual products from other countries, and how I think Madison Ave. should promote them here in the good ol' USA!
In an age where so many products are loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives, there is only one product so full of natural ingredients that it’s hard to resist! It’s Fresh!
That’s right Fresh Cok Milk! Made from the finest Cok, Fresh Cok Milk is the answer to your organic dietary needs. Fresh Cok Milk is loaded with vitamins and all natural proteins and sugars that will keep your mouth happy! Fresh Cok Milk comes in quarts for your pleasure. Don’t jerk around... Try Fresh Cok Milk today!
Are you looking for a snack that's good for you? Then you need to get some Megapussi! The bite-sized snacks that taste like chicken, but smells like tuna. They're wholesome, delicious and lip-licking good!
It comes in a convenient box. Megapussi is the official snack food of The NBA, MLB, NFL and the Ladies PGA.
Megapussi... The name says it all!
When Mr. Brain’s went to San Francisco and asked men what they wanted in a ready to eat meal, most men agreed.... They wanted two Pork Faggots!
And Mr. Brain said, "Why have just two when you can have four!" Pork Faggots also come in a traditional Western sauce. It’s thick and creamy, with a hint of salt and sugar for a taste that everyone can swallow down! But what makes Pork Faggots absolutely fabulous is the sauce is whipped up daily, so it’s always fresh! Pork Faggots... Try some for lunch or dinner, or even for a bedtime snack. Pork Faggots... They're not hard to find. Just bend over into the meat case and grab yourself some today!
When you need a toilet paper that is strong, yet soft, look no further than My Fannie!
The extra-wide toilet tissue for those big wipers. My Fannie feels so good! And in many decorator styles, My Fannie looks good too! Better than the ordinary wipes, My Fannie takes all you can dish out and still is ready for more. So next time you need something better than ordinary toilet paper, think of My Fannie! It wipes-out the rest!
When your thirst just can’t be quenched by regular colas, there’s only one that taste as good as it looks. Pee Cola. With no artificial colors or flavors, Pee Cola is the only logical choice.
If you’re a whiz, then you already know that Pee Cola is bottled at the peak of freshness for that one-of-a-kind flavor. It’s all natural taste is best when drank at room temperature. Hot Pee Cola is good for you, but Cold Pee Cola can hit the spot too! Don’t piss away your money on other carbonated drinks. Don’t piddle around with those other colas. Relieve yourself today... Have a Pee Cola!
It tastes as good as its name!
Got a party tonight and need something that will keep it pumping? Or are you sitting around, watching a movie and need a snack that will keep you feeling good?
Then you need to find some Happy Crak! Happy Crak Popcorn will always be the hit of any party. There’s nothing like a Happy Crak to put a smile on your face, or the faces of all of your friends... Even if they get sloppy seconds. Happy Crak Popcorn comes in convenient 12-ounce bags. And there's no need to microwave it. Just work it in your hands and soon your Happy Crak is hot and ready! So pop a little Happy Crak in your mouth and let the party begin!
There are beers, and then there's the beer that tastes as good as you’d expect from a Lager.
A beer that will go down smooth and easy, and leaving a nice smile on your face. It may smell like the ass of a bear, but it taste goooood! And if you pour it right, you’ll get good head! What is it? It’s Vergina Premium Lager. Vergina... Always tastes as good as it looks!
After a hard day of exercising, wouldn’t it we nice to replenish those bodily fluids you lose? You don't want a sports drink that will dog you later? You want a sports drink that’s both all natural and completely free of wimpy names that try to make you feel important for drinking it? Then you need to try the latest product from Pet...
New Pet Sweat! Yes, Pet Sweat will quench that thirst like nothing else. Pet Sweat will replenish those lost fluids like nature intended. Don’t get into a lather after a bit of exertion. Don't settle for imitations; Drink Pet Sweat! The official drink of the ASPCA and PETA!
There are toilet papers out there that claim to be soft, absorbent and good for the environment. But no toilet tissue even comes close to our Pillow-soft, 100% recycled - ShitBegone!
ShitBegone...The name say’s it all!
Royco presents the next generation of Japanese cuisine. When you need to fix it fast and hot and you need it now, there is only one choice to make... New and Improved Shito Mix! Made with the finest Shit and O! You'll have a big Shito-eating Grin... Again and again. Shito Mix, made with all natural ingredients, including corn chunks.
Shito Mix... Now you can tell everyone to eat Shito!
And finally,
There are times when you need an insect repellent, and other times when you need a great lubricant. Now, you can have both! Announcing New Wack-Off!
It’s Tropical Strength! Used by the Armed Forces when out in the remote jungles, Wack-Off provides you with a proven insect repellent during the day, and doubles as a great lubricant for those lonely nights hanging out in the jungle.
Wack-Off... Wrap your hands around some today!
In an age where so many products are loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives, there is only one product so full of natural ingredients that it’s hard to resist! It’s Fresh!
That’s right Fresh Cok Milk! Made from the finest Cok, Fresh Cok Milk is the answer to your organic dietary needs. Fresh Cok Milk is loaded with vitamins and all natural proteins and sugars that will keep your mouth happy! Fresh Cok Milk comes in quarts for your pleasure. Don’t jerk around... Try Fresh Cok Milk today!
Are you looking for a snack that's good for you? Then you need to get some Megapussi! The bite-sized snacks that taste like chicken, but smells like tuna. They're wholesome, delicious and lip-licking good!
It comes in a convenient box. Megapussi is the official snack food of The NBA, MLB, NFL and the Ladies PGA. Megapussi... The name says it all!
When Mr. Brain’s went to San Francisco and asked men what they wanted in a ready to eat meal, most men agreed.... They wanted two Pork Faggots!
And Mr. Brain said, "Why have just two when you can have four!" Pork Faggots also come in a traditional Western sauce. It’s thick and creamy, with a hint of salt and sugar for a taste that everyone can swallow down! But what makes Pork Faggots absolutely fabulous is the sauce is whipped up daily, so it’s always fresh! Pork Faggots... Try some for lunch or dinner, or even for a bedtime snack. Pork Faggots... They're not hard to find. Just bend over into the meat case and grab yourself some today!When you need a toilet paper that is strong, yet soft, look no further than My Fannie!
The extra-wide toilet tissue for those big wipers. My Fannie feels so good! And in many decorator styles, My Fannie looks good too! Better than the ordinary wipes, My Fannie takes all you can dish out and still is ready for more. So next time you need something better than ordinary toilet paper, think of My Fannie! It wipes-out the rest!When your thirst just can’t be quenched by regular colas, there’s only one that taste as good as it looks. Pee Cola. With no artificial colors or flavors, Pee Cola is the only logical choice.
If you’re a whiz, then you already know that Pee Cola is bottled at the peak of freshness for that one-of-a-kind flavor. It’s all natural taste is best when drank at room temperature. Hot Pee Cola is good for you, but Cold Pee Cola can hit the spot too! Don’t piss away your money on other carbonated drinks. Don’t piddle around with those other colas. Relieve yourself today... Have a Pee Cola! It tastes as good as its name!
Got a party tonight and need something that will keep it pumping? Or are you sitting around, watching a movie and need a snack that will keep you feeling good?
Then you need to find some Happy Crak! Happy Crak Popcorn will always be the hit of any party. There’s nothing like a Happy Crak to put a smile on your face, or the faces of all of your friends... Even if they get sloppy seconds. Happy Crak Popcorn comes in convenient 12-ounce bags. And there's no need to microwave it. Just work it in your hands and soon your Happy Crak is hot and ready! So pop a little Happy Crak in your mouth and let the party begin!There are beers, and then there's the beer that tastes as good as you’d expect from a Lager.
A beer that will go down smooth and easy, and leaving a nice smile on your face. It may smell like the ass of a bear, but it taste goooood! And if you pour it right, you’ll get good head! What is it? It’s Vergina Premium Lager. Vergina... Always tastes as good as it looks!After a hard day of exercising, wouldn’t it we nice to replenish those bodily fluids you lose? You don't want a sports drink that will dog you later? You want a sports drink that’s both all natural and completely free of wimpy names that try to make you feel important for drinking it? Then you need to try the latest product from Pet...
New Pet Sweat! Yes, Pet Sweat will quench that thirst like nothing else. Pet Sweat will replenish those lost fluids like nature intended. Don’t get into a lather after a bit of exertion. Don't settle for imitations; Drink Pet Sweat! The official drink of the ASPCA and PETA!
There are toilet papers out there that claim to be soft, absorbent and good for the environment. But no toilet tissue even comes close to our Pillow-soft, 100% recycled - ShitBegone! ShitBegone...The name say’s it all!
Royco presents the next generation of Japanese cuisine. When you need to fix it fast and hot and you need it now, there is only one choice to make... New and Improved Shito Mix! Made with the finest Shit and O! You'll have a big Shito-eating Grin... Again and again. Shito Mix, made with all natural ingredients, including corn chunks.
Shito Mix... Now you can tell everyone to eat Shito!
And finally,
There are times when you need an insect repellent, and other times when you need a great lubricant. Now, you can have both! Announcing New Wack-Off!
It’s Tropical Strength! Used by the Armed Forces when out in the remote jungles, Wack-Off provides you with a proven insect repellent during the day, and doubles as a great lubricant for those lonely nights hanging out in the jungle. Wack-Off... Wrap your hands around some today!
The Curious Urinal 2/10/2012
Farm Report Shows Good Year Ahead
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Given the recent wonky weather, and the lack of snow this winter, Ammo County Agricultural Commissioner, Seymore Butzman, released the yearly farm report yesterday. According to the report, Tobacco-flavored Cumquat production should exceed last year's crop by nearly 3%. In addition, Lemon Beets and Sodium Vibrofoam crops look to be on the increase for this coming planting season.
Mr. Butzman announced the latest report yesterday in front of a packed crowd of farmers in the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. The sixty or so farmers brought along hoes and picks--- just in case the report wasn't good. A relieved Mr. Butzman remembered the last bad report, when he spent seven days in intensive care at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center. This time the farmers merely grumbled and left peacefully.
Speaking of hoes... Several farmers are upset at the Ammo County Extension Office for what they call 'lack of Farm Hos' in the county.
Amos Verginey, owner of the Verginey Farm, asked at the meeting, “Where are all the good farm hos gone? Right over to Farmville, that's where! I haven't had a decent ho since they [Farmtown County] began offering incentives to the hos to hang out there. This is unacceptable!”
Mr. Butzman replied, “I feel your pain. I haven't had a decent farm ho myself in six months. We're going to look into the matter just as soon as we can figure out how to work the new phone system we had installed!”
On a related note, the Buzzardbait Chamber of Commerce and Laundromat will be holding a meeting on the business outlook for Buzzardbait and Ammo County next Tuesday at the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. All interested business people are asked to attend, but to please refrain from bringing weapons, tomatoes and other messy items to throw, otherwise it will be just like the meeting we had two years ago.
It took three weeks and several hundred dollars to clean up the mess, and patch the assorted bullet holes in the walls and ceilings. Also, whomever brought the cow to the meeting last year is asked to please leave it at home this year. The smell of bovine biomass took weeks to fumigate from the building. In addition, please refrain from spitting on the floor. The carpeting was permanently stained with tobacco juice, fecal matter and mud. The carpeting replacement will cost more than is budgeted for during the next three years, thus it will remain stained until further notice.
Ammo County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker
Mayor Harley Werken of Buzzardbait shook his head in disgust yesterday when he read the report from the Ammo County Department of Stuff Not Covered By Other Departments. It told the tale of how County Commissioner Hugo Oberdare has misused county funds to advertise the fact that the county was out of money.
“This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ammo County needs to do something drastic to keep tax dollars flowing in, not pouring out. Since most of the residents of Ammo County are either employed by the county, or receiving funds from the county, this report shows me that something may be wrong here!” Mayor Werken then added, “Maybe if we stopped spending $250,000 on advertising, we could spend more on stocking the bar in the mayor's office!”
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
Farm Report Shows Good Year Ahead
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Given the recent wonky weather, and the lack of snow this winter, Ammo County Agricultural Commissioner, Seymore Butzman, released the yearly farm report yesterday. According to the report, Tobacco-flavored Cumquat production should exceed last year's crop by nearly 3%. In addition, Lemon Beets and Sodium Vibrofoam crops look to be on the increase for this coming planting season.
Mr. Butzman announced the latest report yesterday in front of a packed crowd of farmers in the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. The sixty or so farmers brought along hoes and picks--- just in case the report wasn't good. A relieved Mr. Butzman remembered the last bad report, when he spent seven days in intensive care at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center. This time the farmers merely grumbled and left peacefully.
Speaking of hoes... Several farmers are upset at the Ammo County Extension Office for what they call 'lack of Farm Hos' in the county.
Amos Verginey, owner of the Verginey Farm, asked at the meeting, “Where are all the good farm hos gone? Right over to Farmville, that's where! I haven't had a decent ho since they [Farmtown County] began offering incentives to the hos to hang out there. This is unacceptable!”
Mr. Butzman replied, “I feel your pain. I haven't had a decent farm ho myself in six months. We're going to look into the matter just as soon as we can figure out how to work the new phone system we had installed!”
On a related note, the Buzzardbait Chamber of Commerce and Laundromat will be holding a meeting on the business outlook for Buzzardbait and Ammo County next Tuesday at the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. All interested business people are asked to attend, but to please refrain from bringing weapons, tomatoes and other messy items to throw, otherwise it will be just like the meeting we had two years ago.
It took three weeks and several hundred dollars to clean up the mess, and patch the assorted bullet holes in the walls and ceilings. Also, whomever brought the cow to the meeting last year is asked to please leave it at home this year. The smell of bovine biomass took weeks to fumigate from the building. In addition, please refrain from spitting on the floor. The carpeting was permanently stained with tobacco juice, fecal matter and mud. The carpeting replacement will cost more than is budgeted for during the next three years, thus it will remain stained until further notice.
Ammo County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker
Mayor Harley Werken of Buzzardbait shook his head in disgust yesterday when he read the report from the Ammo County Department of Stuff Not Covered By Other Departments. It told the tale of how County Commissioner Hugo Oberdare has misused county funds to advertise the fact that the county was out of money.
“This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ammo County needs to do something drastic to keep tax dollars flowing in, not pouring out. Since most of the residents of Ammo County are either employed by the county, or receiving funds from the county, this report shows me that something may be wrong here!” Mayor Werken then added, “Maybe if we stopped spending $250,000 on advertising, we could spend more on stocking the bar in the mayor's office!”
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
Hey Mom... What are you feeding your kids for breakfast?
How about trying Monkey Nuts Cereal Berry and Bourbon Flavor?
It will perk up even the slowest child!
Monkey Nuts Cereal is a product of CCCoA
(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Media Empire Grows Yet Again!
Screwgle, the nations largest Media Empire, is doing what it does best once again!
Biff Butzhumper, President and CEO of Screwgle, announced today that his Global Media Behemoth will be offering a new Ad-insertion program into the Blog-sites of millions of bloggers nationwide. “The idea is simple... When you have a blog, you have ads that people can click on to generate money for your blog-site. Then, when you have accumulated enough money to actually make a few dollars, Screwgle will close your Ad account and keep the money!”
This reporter asked, “But isn't that akin to cheating?”
“Cheating? Please! How do you think we make money in this market?” Butzhumper asked the reporter. “We make it the old-fashioned way... We screw the bloggers and keep their money. It's a sound business model that works!”
When this reporter asked if corporate greed came to mind, Mr. Butzhumper replied, “If the government can do it, so can we!”
Screwgle, the nations largest Media Empire, is doing what it does best once again!
Biff Butzhumper, President and CEO of Screwgle, announced today that his Global Media Behemoth will be offering a new Ad-insertion program into the Blog-sites of millions of bloggers nationwide. “The idea is simple... When you have a blog, you have ads that people can click on to generate money for your blog-site. Then, when you have accumulated enough money to actually make a few dollars, Screwgle will close your Ad account and keep the money!”
This reporter asked, “But isn't that akin to cheating?”
“Cheating? Please! How do you think we make money in this market?” Butzhumper asked the reporter. “We make it the old-fashioned way... We screw the bloggers and keep their money. It's a sound business model that works!”
When this reporter asked if corporate greed came to mind, Mr. Butzhumper replied, “If the government can do it, so can we!”
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Local Store Adds New Items
From the first visit I made to this store as a child, I can tell you a lot of things have changed over the years. Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has seen plenty of changes in its 85 years in business, but the changes to the store lately have concerned many older customers. The sign in the window stated: Under New Management. So I assume that the old management retired to sunny Florida, or the Buzzardbait Elderly Dykes Home.
Normally, when I head into the store, I'm there for a specific reason. When I was a kid, it was comic books (Captain CaCa and his Transgendered Friends; Spidery-Guy; The Flasher, The Green Horny, etc,) and of course, the candy. But as an adult, my needs have changed. I now go there for deodorant and shaving cream, aspirin and sodas. But this last visit to the store made me actually stop and look for a change. My ordinary 5 minute trip inside took two hours and several hundred dollars.
I found the items I needed first, I had a pack of disposable razors, a couple of two-liters of Diet Sludge Cola, and a fresh can of Skank-Off Deodorant. But as I was heading to the check-out counter, I began noticing some new items adorning the shelves.
First, there were 'personal massagers.' Advertised as Quiet and Powerful, they came in a wide array of colors, shapes and sizes. Most were rechargeable and lightweight. There were long ones, short ones ('Bullets') and even one that lit-up and played music (Borello, I think).
If you happen to be into feet, there’s the Famous Freddie's Foot Spa (I'm not sure who Famous Freddie is, but the picture on the box looks like some 70's porn star with thick curly black hair and a moustache that could double as a barnacle scraper), and also the multi-head foot massager (four heads for you and your partner I suppose?). Or if you want to massage other parts of your body, you can find the Magic Five-Speed Massager. I read the package and saw that is was powered by a five speed Briggs and Straton Chainsaw engine. Woo Hoo! I spotted one massager that comes with a body warmer, and a few of them had some interesting bumps strategically placed on them. And there was one called the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder. WOW! This is not your mothers back massager!
From there, I sauntered down the lotion aisle. There were all sorts of lotions on the shelves. From the 'Travel Size' massage oils (in scents like Martian Moonlight, Malibu Marsh, and Lindsey Lowhand's Under-leg Special). I have no idea what any of those things smell like as I resisted the urge to check them out (although the Lindsey Lowhand one did peak my curiosity). Then it was onto the economy-size jugs of lotions. A liter bottle of lotion I spotted was called Coconut Cascade. After reading the bottle, it said to pour a liberal portion onto any area for instant arousal. Wow wee!
And then there are the lubricants. There were the warming kind, the tingling kind, the soothing kind, and one that was called Galactoglide, for anal use only. Galactoglide? Sounds like an Asteroid cream to me. I wonder if that should be used with the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder? Also, I didn't know these lubricants came in flavors. I saw flavors like pina colada,blueberry, cherry and watermelon. I didn’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell or taste good, but I suppose there are things in this life I am yet to be aware of.
From there I spotted something called Intimacy Gels. There was Strawberry, Orange, Lemon (that will put some pucker in you!) and my personal favorite: Chocolate. The Intimacy Gels come in regular and sugar-free. Hmm? Good sex should not lead to a trip to the dentist because of tooth decay, nor should it pack on the pounds just because you used too much.
And then there is the condom selection. Now I remember as a teenager feeling embarrassed as I attempted to by some cheap TroJoe Condoms. But now, there are as many varieties of condoms as the personal massagers. I saw ribbed and twisted, tropical-flavored (flavored condoms? Yuck!), studded, bumped, lumped and OMG style. I'm not sure what the OMG style really is, but I'm sure if I saw it, I'd go WTF? There were pink ones (maybe for Breast Cancer Awareness?), red ones, green ones, purple, blue, zebra-striped and polka-dotted ones too. And I saw one that had a vibrating ring (Maybe it was an OMG reject?).
Further down the aisle I saw that they even had handcuffs (the fuzzy and non-fuzzy kind), several brands of soft rope, hot waxes and my personal favorite, digital camcorders and tripods. Obviously to record your activities, whereas you'll be able to show the grand kids sometime in the future what Grandma and Grandpa did for fun back in the good old days.
And nothing says romance like candles. There were at least 6,000 candles on the shelves with fragrances such as Indian Moondance, Night on Wicked Mountain, and my personal favorite, Beach Bungho. Light enough of these candles around your bedroom for mood lighting and you'll run the risk of catching your house on fire from the added heat during sex. Kinky!
And just in case you get carried away with your nocturnal fun, they also have an entire shelf of various braces, stabilizers, hot and cold packs, muscle relaxers and pain creams for those sore spots the following morning.
Needless to say, the Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has changed a great deal since I was a kid. After $453.97 in purchases, I feel like a kid again. Of course, my lady friend has yet to see the stuff I bought. Boy, is she gonna be surprised!
As for the older customers who were looking at me like I was some pervert, you old women need to lighten up and buy some of this stuff to use on your husbands. Maybe they would spend more time at home and less time at Big Al's Titty Emporium!
And in Sporting News:
Local Sports Team Seeks Name Change
The Beaver Lick Youth Sports Counsel has asked for parents to be aware of a petition going around, asking them to help change the name of one of the high school teams. Currently the Beaver Lick All-Girls High School sports teams are named the Lady Lickers, with their mascot being a very large tongue. The Beaver Lick Sports Counsel is asking for the name to be changed to the Carpetmunchers, and in turn, changing the mascot to Lindsey Lohan.
The All Boys High School is currently not seeking a name change or a new mascot. They wish to remain known as the Lickers.
And now a message from one of our sponsors:
When you have a mighty thirst for something exotic, take Milo Days advice. Nothing tastes like Dingleberry Wine. It's the wine for non-discriminatory drinkers. And comes in quarts, gallons, or the convenient keg. And Dingleberry Wine is inexpensive too, making it affordable for the everyone, from the businessman, musician, or professional wino.
And Dingleberry Wine comes in four delicious flavors: Strawberry, Apple, Grape, and Chocolate.
Dingleberry Wine is hand-squeezed from fresh dingleberries, grown right here in Buzzardbait, KY.
So remember, if it ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt!
Disclaimer:
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after two or three bottles. Dingleberry's Wine has been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass being drug through water after a flood. Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following ingrediants: Aspertame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenyketonurics, small undigested pieces of putrid meat, wads of partially used toilet paper, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and flavorings.
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been deemed hazardous to your health. The following can and will more than likely occur: Blurred vision; Erratic behavior; Mood swings; Memory loss; Hallucinations; Projectile vomiting; Explosive diarrhea; Loss of all motor control; Convulsions; Blood in the stool, on the couch and/or recliner; Hairy Tongue Syndrome (HTS); Complete and sudden death and dry mouth. Not to mention a really shitty aftertaste.
And a reminder: Never drink and drive, operate heavy equipment, nor attempt to operate on another human being without the aid of a medical professional. Remember to drink responsibly and never, ever stop drinking Dingleberry Wine, no matter what these twerps have told you!
From the first visit I made to this store as a child, I can tell you a lot of things have changed over the years. Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has seen plenty of changes in its 85 years in business, but the changes to the store lately have concerned many older customers. The sign in the window stated: Under New Management. So I assume that the old management retired to sunny Florida, or the Buzzardbait Elderly Dykes Home.
Normally, when I head into the store, I'm there for a specific reason. When I was a kid, it was comic books (Captain CaCa and his Transgendered Friends; Spidery-Guy; The Flasher, The Green Horny, etc,) and of course, the candy. But as an adult, my needs have changed. I now go there for deodorant and shaving cream, aspirin and sodas. But this last visit to the store made me actually stop and look for a change. My ordinary 5 minute trip inside took two hours and several hundred dollars.
I found the items I needed first, I had a pack of disposable razors, a couple of two-liters of Diet Sludge Cola, and a fresh can of Skank-Off Deodorant. But as I was heading to the check-out counter, I began noticing some new items adorning the shelves.
First, there were 'personal massagers.' Advertised as Quiet and Powerful, they came in a wide array of colors, shapes and sizes. Most were rechargeable and lightweight. There were long ones, short ones ('Bullets') and even one that lit-up and played music (Borello, I think).
If you happen to be into feet, there’s the Famous Freddie's Foot Spa (I'm not sure who Famous Freddie is, but the picture on the box looks like some 70's porn star with thick curly black hair and a moustache that could double as a barnacle scraper), and also the multi-head foot massager (four heads for you and your partner I suppose?). Or if you want to massage other parts of your body, you can find the Magic Five-Speed Massager. I read the package and saw that is was powered by a five speed Briggs and Straton Chainsaw engine. Woo Hoo! I spotted one massager that comes with a body warmer, and a few of them had some interesting bumps strategically placed on them. And there was one called the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder. WOW! This is not your mothers back massager!
From there, I sauntered down the lotion aisle. There were all sorts of lotions on the shelves. From the 'Travel Size' massage oils (in scents like Martian Moonlight, Malibu Marsh, and Lindsey Lowhand's Under-leg Special). I have no idea what any of those things smell like as I resisted the urge to check them out (although the Lindsey Lowhand one did peak my curiosity). Then it was onto the economy-size jugs of lotions. A liter bottle of lotion I spotted was called Coconut Cascade. After reading the bottle, it said to pour a liberal portion onto any area for instant arousal. Wow wee!
And then there are the lubricants. There were the warming kind, the tingling kind, the soothing kind, and one that was called Galactoglide, for anal use only. Galactoglide? Sounds like an Asteroid cream to me. I wonder if that should be used with the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder? Also, I didn't know these lubricants came in flavors. I saw flavors like pina colada,blueberry, cherry and watermelon. I didn’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell or taste good, but I suppose there are things in this life I am yet to be aware of.
From there I spotted something called Intimacy Gels. There was Strawberry, Orange, Lemon (that will put some pucker in you!) and my personal favorite: Chocolate. The Intimacy Gels come in regular and sugar-free. Hmm? Good sex should not lead to a trip to the dentist because of tooth decay, nor should it pack on the pounds just because you used too much.
And then there is the condom selection. Now I remember as a teenager feeling embarrassed as I attempted to by some cheap TroJoe Condoms. But now, there are as many varieties of condoms as the personal massagers. I saw ribbed and twisted, tropical-flavored (flavored condoms? Yuck!), studded, bumped, lumped and OMG style. I'm not sure what the OMG style really is, but I'm sure if I saw it, I'd go WTF? There were pink ones (maybe for Breast Cancer Awareness?), red ones, green ones, purple, blue, zebra-striped and polka-dotted ones too. And I saw one that had a vibrating ring (Maybe it was an OMG reject?).
Further down the aisle I saw that they even had handcuffs (the fuzzy and non-fuzzy kind), several brands of soft rope, hot waxes and my personal favorite, digital camcorders and tripods. Obviously to record your activities, whereas you'll be able to show the grand kids sometime in the future what Grandma and Grandpa did for fun back in the good old days.
And nothing says romance like candles. There were at least 6,000 candles on the shelves with fragrances such as Indian Moondance, Night on Wicked Mountain, and my personal favorite, Beach Bungho. Light enough of these candles around your bedroom for mood lighting and you'll run the risk of catching your house on fire from the added heat during sex. Kinky!
And just in case you get carried away with your nocturnal fun, they also have an entire shelf of various braces, stabilizers, hot and cold packs, muscle relaxers and pain creams for those sore spots the following morning.
Needless to say, the Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has changed a great deal since I was a kid. After $453.97 in purchases, I feel like a kid again. Of course, my lady friend has yet to see the stuff I bought. Boy, is she gonna be surprised!
As for the older customers who were looking at me like I was some pervert, you old women need to lighten up and buy some of this stuff to use on your husbands. Maybe they would spend more time at home and less time at Big Al's Titty Emporium!
And in Sporting News:
Local Sports Team Seeks Name Change
The Beaver Lick Youth Sports Counsel has asked for parents to be aware of a petition going around, asking them to help change the name of one of the high school teams. Currently the Beaver Lick All-Girls High School sports teams are named the Lady Lickers, with their mascot being a very large tongue. The Beaver Lick Sports Counsel is asking for the name to be changed to the Carpetmunchers, and in turn, changing the mascot to Lindsey Lohan.
The All Boys High School is currently not seeking a name change or a new mascot. They wish to remain known as the Lickers.
And now a message from one of our sponsors:
When you have a mighty thirst for something exotic, take Milo Days advice. Nothing tastes like Dingleberry Wine. It's the wine for non-discriminatory drinkers. And comes in quarts, gallons, or the convenient keg. And Dingleberry Wine is inexpensive too, making it affordable for the everyone, from the businessman, musician, or professional wino.
And Dingleberry Wine comes in four delicious flavors: Strawberry, Apple, Grape, and Chocolate.
Dingleberry Wine is hand-squeezed from fresh dingleberries, grown right here in Buzzardbait, KY.
So remember, if it ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt!
Disclaimer:
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after two or three bottles. Dingleberry's Wine has been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass being drug through water after a flood. Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following ingrediants: Aspertame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenyketonurics, small undigested pieces of putrid meat, wads of partially used toilet paper, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and flavorings.
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been deemed hazardous to your health. The following can and will more than likely occur: Blurred vision; Erratic behavior; Mood swings; Memory loss; Hallucinations; Projectile vomiting; Explosive diarrhea; Loss of all motor control; Convulsions; Blood in the stool, on the couch and/or recliner; Hairy Tongue Syndrome (HTS); Complete and sudden death and dry mouth. Not to mention a really shitty aftertaste.
And a reminder: Never drink and drive, operate heavy equipment, nor attempt to operate on another human being without the aid of a medical professional. Remember to drink responsibly and never, ever stop drinking Dingleberry Wine, no matter what these twerps have told you!
Hi and Happy Wednesday, which happens to be Surprise Day. And do I have a surprise for you. And this is a good point to ask for your votes on this one. Also, please click on an ad. I'm saving up for a new pair of water buffalo pants. Thanks. And now, here we go!
These are actual products that sell in countries all around the world.
Now, imagine if these were American products. How would Madison Ave. promote them?
Announcing: New Mini Dickmann’s Tasty treats. Mini-Dickmann’s are cream-filled and they come in three delicious flavors - Vanilla, Chocolate and Spicy South of the Border.
Mini-Dickmann’s... Pop one in your mouth today!
Hey Mom... Do you have to make a quick lunch for the kids? Or even for Dad, who’s running late for that sales meeting? Try making them a Bimbo sandwich! Bimbo Bread is always a good choice for those quickie lunches. Bimbo sandwiches are the perfect choice for those people on the go. And it’s all natural! Bimbo Bread is the easiest way to satisfy that particular taste! So when you need to make it quick, make it a Bimbo!
When your baby has a rash, and needs some relief, rub a little Booty Goo on that tush and baby will be all smiles. Made with all natural ingredients, Booty Goo is the right choice for that derriere.
Booty Goo... The way Nature intended!
In the world of high protein energy drinks, there is only one choice for men... Erektus!
When your clock is winding down and you're feeling a little flaccid... Erektus!
Erektus, the all-protein energy drink for those guys that like it when the going’s hard! Erektus!
Hey guys, when you’re on the run, and you need a snack to get you moving, try the best snack for your busy lifestyle - Finger Marie! And ladies, when you’re running around and feeling like slowing down - Finger Marie! Yes, Finger Marie is the wholesome snack that is both tasty and nutritious. It looks like a snack cracker, but taste like chicken! And every box is always as good as the first. So, when you need something to lift you when you’re feeling a little down...
Finger Marie. You’ll be glad you did!
In today’s busy hustle and bustle world, you need something a little more... Filling. Something that’s going to hit the spot and make you want to come... Back... Again and again. You need Homo Sausage. And it comes in three fabulous flavors: Traditional, Spicy and Flaming!
Homo Sausage. Wouldn’t you like one right now?
When dinnertime rolls around and you need to whip something up quick, reach for ‘Cock Soup!’ In the convenient packets, Cock Soup is perfect for those cold nights. It will warm you up and fill you up! Cock Soup is all natural and loaded with protein! And the easy to make directions are on the back of every package. You can slowly stir it to make soft Cock Soup, or whip it up and have some hard Cock Soup. You can eat it with a spoon, or use a straw to suck it up.
Cock Soup... Gobble some down tonight!
Need a pick-me-up? Try Asse! Favorable milk chocolate wafers smothered in dark chocolate. If it’s Asse, you know it will taste good!
And a little Asse will always perk you up anytime of the day!
Asse! Tastes as good as it smells!
Looking for an energy drink that will gas you up and keep you going all day, or night? Fart! The all natural energy drink that smells as good as it taste. Fart, High-octane Energy that pumps you up, not poops you out! It comes in two sizes: The 6-ounce Little Fart, or the 12-ounce Big Fart! It will gas you up and never leave you winded. And coming soon: the disposable foil packet, so you can squeeze out a little fart and never have to worry about a big mess!
Start your day with a Fart!
These are actual products that sell in countries all around the world.
Now, imagine if these were American products. How would Madison Ave. promote them?
Announcing: New Mini Dickmann’s Tasty treats. Mini-Dickmann’s are cream-filled and they come in three delicious flavors - Vanilla, Chocolate and Spicy South of the Border.
Mini-Dickmann’s... Pop one in your mouth today!
Hey Mom... Do you have to make a quick lunch for the kids? Or even for Dad, who’s running late for that sales meeting? Try making them a Bimbo sandwich! Bimbo Bread is always a good choice for those quickie lunches. Bimbo sandwiches are the perfect choice for those people on the go. And it’s all natural! Bimbo Bread is the easiest way to satisfy that particular taste! So when you need to make it quick, make it a Bimbo!
When your baby has a rash, and needs some relief, rub a little Booty Goo on that tush and baby will be all smiles. Made with all natural ingredients, Booty Goo is the right choice for that derriere.
Booty Goo... The way Nature intended!
In the world of high protein energy drinks, there is only one choice for men... Erektus!
When your clock is winding down and you're feeling a little flaccid... Erektus!
Erektus, the all-protein energy drink for those guys that like it when the going’s hard! Erektus!
Hey guys, when you’re on the run, and you need a snack to get you moving, try the best snack for your busy lifestyle - Finger Marie! And ladies, when you’re running around and feeling like slowing down - Finger Marie! Yes, Finger Marie is the wholesome snack that is both tasty and nutritious. It looks like a snack cracker, but taste like chicken! And every box is always as good as the first. So, when you need something to lift you when you’re feeling a little down...
Finger Marie. You’ll be glad you did!
In today’s busy hustle and bustle world, you need something a little more... Filling. Something that’s going to hit the spot and make you want to come... Back... Again and again. You need Homo Sausage. And it comes in three fabulous flavors: Traditional, Spicy and Flaming!
Homo Sausage. Wouldn’t you like one right now?
When dinnertime rolls around and you need to whip something up quick, reach for ‘Cock Soup!’ In the convenient packets, Cock Soup is perfect for those cold nights. It will warm you up and fill you up! Cock Soup is all natural and loaded with protein! And the easy to make directions are on the back of every package. You can slowly stir it to make soft Cock Soup, or whip it up and have some hard Cock Soup. You can eat it with a spoon, or use a straw to suck it up.
Cock Soup... Gobble some down tonight!
Need a pick-me-up? Try Asse! Favorable milk chocolate wafers smothered in dark chocolate. If it’s Asse, you know it will taste good!
And a little Asse will always perk you up anytime of the day!
Asse! Tastes as good as it smells!
Looking for an energy drink that will gas you up and keep you going all day, or night? Fart! The all natural energy drink that smells as good as it taste. Fart, High-octane Energy that pumps you up, not poops you out! It comes in two sizes: The 6-ounce Little Fart, or the 12-ounce Big Fart! It will gas you up and never leave you winded. And coming soon: the disposable foil packet, so you can squeeze out a little fart and never have to worry about a big mess!
Start your day with a Fart!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Stalker spotted on South Handy Street
Teachers at the Buzzardbait Elementary school and parents of students received a shock yesterday when they saw a man starring out of a display window across from the school. The man stood there for hours on end, watching the comings and goings of the parents, students and teachers. Finally, MaDonna Ogleme, the vice-principal, called the Buzzardbait Police to investigate. After arriving at the scene, Buzzardbait police crashed through the display window at Howie's Movie Hut and found the culprit; a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Pee Wee Herman. No arrests were made in the incident.
In other news around the area:
Outside of Poon Point is the farm of Marty McBizby, but everyone calls him the 'Old Man'. And on that farm he had some ducks (Eeye and Eeye Ohh), in a pond on the farm of Old Man McBizby. But at 10:35 a.m. Sunday, Old Man McBizby called the Buzzardbait police to make a complaint on some dogs that had been allowed to run loose and who had attacked his ducks.
The loose dogs, owned by B. I. Engeo, also of Poon Point, were rounded up and summarily shot by the Buzzardbait police.
According to Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, the ducks refused any treatment by EMS workers and swam off.
And from the Classified Ads:
For sale – FULL SIZE Mattress,Restonit, 20 year warranty. Like new; must sell. Slight urine odor and blood stains. $50. Contact The Curious Urinal for phone number.
For sale – A complete collection of Old People. Contact The Buzzardbait Rest Home for details.
Teachers at the Buzzardbait Elementary school and parents of students received a shock yesterday when they saw a man starring out of a display window across from the school. The man stood there for hours on end, watching the comings and goings of the parents, students and teachers. Finally, MaDonna Ogleme, the vice-principal, called the Buzzardbait Police to investigate. After arriving at the scene, Buzzardbait police crashed through the display window at Howie's Movie Hut and found the culprit; a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Pee Wee Herman. No arrests were made in the incident.
In other news around the area:
Outside of Poon Point is the farm of Marty McBizby, but everyone calls him the 'Old Man'. And on that farm he had some ducks (Eeye and Eeye Ohh), in a pond on the farm of Old Man McBizby. But at 10:35 a.m. Sunday, Old Man McBizby called the Buzzardbait police to make a complaint on some dogs that had been allowed to run loose and who had attacked his ducks.
The loose dogs, owned by B. I. Engeo, also of Poon Point, were rounded up and summarily shot by the Buzzardbait police.
According to Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, the ducks refused any treatment by EMS workers and swam off.
And from the Classified Ads:
For sale – FULL SIZE Mattress,Restonit, 20 year warranty. Like new; must sell. Slight urine odor and blood stains. $50. Contact The Curious Urinal for phone number.
For sale – A complete collection of Old People. Contact The Buzzardbait Rest Home for details.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Okay, more shameless promotions going on here today.
This time, it's for another friend of mine (might as well be my little brother). His name is Ray and he owns Serenghetti Guitars. These are not your run-of-the-mill cheapies that you can buy in a pawn shop; nor are they the ordinary fare you can find in the music stores.
These are ONE PIECE, hand-carved guitars that abolutely ROCK! Please check out the site. You can copy/paste to the search thingie (LOL) and have a look. If you're a musician, or know someone who is (and plays the guitar), this is the site you need to check out!
Nuff said
http://www.serenghettiguitars.com/
LOCAL SALES PAGE
THE BIG SALE is going on now at Gettskrewed Motors.
This beauty is sure to fly off the lot. It's a 1975 Chevy Pick-up, White, 2-55 air conditioning, rifle rack, and 327cc engine. It leaks a little oil and smokes a bit, but it's a great truck. Being sacrificed for $2,995.00
This one-owner car is a steal. It's a 1966 Ford Fairlane. Primer gray. It has a bit of rust, and a couple of minor door dings, a caved-in passenger door and crumpled trunk. But it's still one great ride. It needs shocks and a transmission. Priced to sell at $3,495.00!
And what about this beautiful van. It's a '81 Chevy Custom Van. It's great for shopping, family outings, and shagging your old lady out in the wood,. Comes complete with a matress and shag carpeting. Don't mind the musty odor or the urine stains on the mattress. It's fairly clean and ready to drive off the lot - $3,695.00
So come on in to THE BIG SALE – Going on now ar Gettskrewed Motors. On the corner of 5th and Main in Beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait. Open late, till 6 p.m. Nightly for your shopping convenience. And open Saturdays from 9 till Noon.
*********************************************************************************
Jean's Jewelery is having it's first semi-annual Weekend Sale. This Monday and Tuesday from 10 till 5, Everything is 50% off, or half price, whichever is less. So don't delay another day, Come to Jean's Jewelry, located at the corner of Main and 5th. Open Noon till 3 p.m. for you shopping pleasure. And if you act now, Jean will personally place your jewelry into a bag and hand it to you.
***********************************************************************************
Come to Buzzardbait Grocery and Tux Rental this week for great specials.
Monkey Nut Cereal, select varieties (including Strawberry and Liver cheese, Cinnamon and Rat Dropping and Oats and Cardboard flavors). $3.99 per 10 oz box.
Penguin Balls, Those wonderful frozen treats, 3 for $10.00 (comes in Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Meat flavors)
Sludge Cola (including Diet and Extra Thick) $1 per 2 liter.
Skank-Off Deodorant – all scents, $2.99 per 3 oz can.
All varieties of Harry Knuckles Handmade Pizzas (except the popular ones) $3.99 each.
And if you rent a tux for Senior Prom, we'll throw in a 6 oz package of Rhodekil's Hand-packed Country Sausage; made with real raccoon, squirrel and possum meat.
Buzzardbait Grocery and Tux Rental - Located at 5th and Main in Buzzardbait, KY. Your hometown grocery store!
Want Ads
Wanted: Clerk to check out customers at Sheets and Schitts Laundromat and Enema Bar. Must be able to work from 8 a.m. till 5 p.m. And also, looking for enema tech. Contact the Curious Urinal if interested in this position, Attn: Madame Tangytush.
Ditch Digger – Must be able to use a shovel and not afraid to get dirty. Apply in person at Buzzardbait Ditch Digging Company. Corner of Main and 5th. Ask for Lumpy.
Looking for great pay and better hours? Then you need to look elsewhere. But we're hiring anyway. Must be able to lift 50 pounds repeatedly for twelve hours at a shift, five days a week. Pays minimum wage; no benefits and you're prone to be laid-off at a moments notice. Must like animals. Apply at Buzzardbait Zoo and Exotic Steak House. Come to the elephant cage and grab a shovel.
Needing 5 sharp people to start immediately. Great pay, excellent benefits. Must be able to walk door to door and smile while hocking Nervous Eddie's Miracle Sex Toys. Commission only. Must be available to work weekends, holidays and have the ability to demonstrate the usage of the toys without reservations. No ugly people need apply. Contact The Curious Urinal for details. Attn: Madame Tangytush
THE BIG SALE is going on now at Gettskrewed Motors.
This beauty is sure to fly off the lot. It's a 1975 Chevy Pick-up, White, 2-55 air conditioning, rifle rack, and 327cc engine. It leaks a little oil and smokes a bit, but it's a great truck. Being sacrificed for $2,995.00
This one-owner car is a steal. It's a 1966 Ford Fairlane. Primer gray. It has a bit of rust, and a couple of minor door dings, a caved-in passenger door and crumpled trunk. But it's still one great ride. It needs shocks and a transmission. Priced to sell at $3,495.00!
And what about this beautiful van. It's a '81 Chevy Custom Van. It's great for shopping, family outings, and shagging your old lady out in the wood,. Comes complete with a matress and shag carpeting. Don't mind the musty odor or the urine stains on the mattress. It's fairly clean and ready to drive off the lot - $3,695.00
So come on in to THE BIG SALE – Going on now ar Gettskrewed Motors. On the corner of 5th and Main in Beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait. Open late, till 6 p.m. Nightly for your shopping convenience. And open Saturdays from 9 till Noon.
*********************************************************************************
Jean's Jewelery is having it's first semi-annual Weekend Sale. This Monday and Tuesday from 10 till 5, Everything is 50% off, or half price, whichever is less. So don't delay another day, Come to Jean's Jewelry, located at the corner of Main and 5th. Open Noon till 3 p.m. for you shopping pleasure. And if you act now, Jean will personally place your jewelry into a bag and hand it to you.
***********************************************************************************
Come to Buzzardbait Grocery and Tux Rental this week for great specials.
Monkey Nut Cereal, select varieties (including Strawberry and Liver cheese, Cinnamon and Rat Dropping and Oats and Cardboard flavors). $3.99 per 10 oz box.
Penguin Balls, Those wonderful frozen treats, 3 for $10.00 (comes in Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Meat flavors)
Sludge Cola (including Diet and Extra Thick) $1 per 2 liter.
Skank-Off Deodorant – all scents, $2.99 per 3 oz can.
All varieties of Harry Knuckles Handmade Pizzas (except the popular ones) $3.99 each.
And if you rent a tux for Senior Prom, we'll throw in a 6 oz package of Rhodekil's Hand-packed Country Sausage; made with real raccoon, squirrel and possum meat.
Buzzardbait Grocery and Tux Rental - Located at 5th and Main in Buzzardbait, KY. Your hometown grocery store!
Want Ads
Wanted: Clerk to check out customers at Sheets and Schitts Laundromat and Enema Bar. Must be able to work from 8 a.m. till 5 p.m. And also, looking for enema tech. Contact the Curious Urinal if interested in this position, Attn: Madame Tangytush.
Ditch Digger – Must be able to use a shovel and not afraid to get dirty. Apply in person at Buzzardbait Ditch Digging Company. Corner of Main and 5th. Ask for Lumpy.
Looking for great pay and better hours? Then you need to look elsewhere. But we're hiring anyway. Must be able to lift 50 pounds repeatedly for twelve hours at a shift, five days a week. Pays minimum wage; no benefits and you're prone to be laid-off at a moments notice. Must like animals. Apply at Buzzardbait Zoo and Exotic Steak House. Come to the elephant cage and grab a shovel.
Needing 5 sharp people to start immediately. Great pay, excellent benefits. Must be able to walk door to door and smile while hocking Nervous Eddie's Miracle Sex Toys. Commission only. Must be available to work weekends, holidays and have the ability to demonstrate the usage of the toys without reservations. No ugly people need apply. Contact The Curious Urinal for details. Attn: Madame Tangytush
Large Problem For Local Woman Solved
Buzzardbait resident, LaBamba LaDousche's chest grew to a gigantic N cup after she took a new medication, Corpsedia, seven months ago — leaving her unable to move for nearly six months.
"It was awful," she said. "If I tried to get up I would faint because my breasts were so big, heavy and floppy. It was a nightmare! Being bed-ridden for so long was not easy, but my neighbors all helped out. Especially Tom, Harry, Richard, Lester, Oliver and Charlie, who kept coming over to adjust them, and leaving $20 bills on the nightstand thereafter. They were real lifesavers. And also, a special thanks to Linda over at the Elderly Dykes Home, for bringing the ladies over to rub lotion on them to keep them moist."
LaDousche, 29, who lives in the Aureole Acres Trailer Park, was finally helped when local businessman, Albert “Big Al” Boobpenchant, owner of Big Al's Titty Emporium, paid for her breast reduction surgery.
Doctor Phil Eweup, of the Buzzardbait Clinic and Oil and Lube Center, believes she was suffering from a rare condition known as Gigantomastia, also known as Gigantittyitis, which is characterized by excessive breast growth that may occur spontaneously during puberty, pregnancy, or while taking certain medications. This was also verified by the Buzzardbait Department of Health and Other Stuff Not Covered By Another Agency.
Dr. Eweup performed the 8 hour operation, where nearly 40 pounds of excess flesh was removed. The breast matter was then placed into a vacuum-sealed container, and will be on display at Big Al's Titty Emporium in the Hall of Fame display case.
Editors note: Since Ms. LaDousche was unemployed with no health insurance, Big Al has offered her a job to help her out. She will be appearing nightly at Big Al's Titty Emporium. There's no charge for parking. Also, the cover charge is $5, with a two drink minimum.
Beautiful Women can be bad for your health
A racing pulse and sweaty palms are well known as the signs of instant attraction. But research has shown that, for men (and some women, if you happen to swing that way) five minutes spent alone with a beautiful woman causes so much stress, it may be bad for the heart.
“The effects are worst for men,” noted scientist, Seymore Butz, claims. “Not only on the heart, but also the wallet. Men tend to spend more money on attractive women than ugly ones.”
Dr. Butz goes on to say, “The anxiety rate of those men is similar to jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft. Their cortisol levels can rise even higher, bringing on the possibility of a heart attack.
The University of Buzzardbait paid 8 male students to take part in an experiment that measured their cortisol levels before and after they had been left alone with an attractive woman. Thereafter, the same group of men were placed in the same room with an ugly woman. There were only minor bouts of nausea in that tests group; and in one case, a marriage proposal. But after the beer buzz subsided, the proposal was recended.
Correction
Due to incorrect information received from the Ammo County Court Clerks office, Daphne Gropeme, 38, of Beaver Lick was incorrectly listed as being arrested and fined for prostitution in an earlier edition of The Curious Urinal. The charge should have been listed as failure to stop fully at a stop sign. We apologize for the error.
Buzzardbait resident, LaBamba LaDousche's chest grew to a gigantic N cup after she took a new medication, Corpsedia, seven months ago — leaving her unable to move for nearly six months.
"It was awful," she said. "If I tried to get up I would faint because my breasts were so big, heavy and floppy. It was a nightmare! Being bed-ridden for so long was not easy, but my neighbors all helped out. Especially Tom, Harry, Richard, Lester, Oliver and Charlie, who kept coming over to adjust them, and leaving $20 bills on the nightstand thereafter. They were real lifesavers. And also, a special thanks to Linda over at the Elderly Dykes Home, for bringing the ladies over to rub lotion on them to keep them moist."
LaDousche, 29, who lives in the Aureole Acres Trailer Park, was finally helped when local businessman, Albert “Big Al” Boobpenchant, owner of Big Al's Titty Emporium, paid for her breast reduction surgery.
Doctor Phil Eweup, of the Buzzardbait Clinic and Oil and Lube Center, believes she was suffering from a rare condition known as Gigantomastia, also known as Gigantittyitis, which is characterized by excessive breast growth that may occur spontaneously during puberty, pregnancy, or while taking certain medications. This was also verified by the Buzzardbait Department of Health and Other Stuff Not Covered By Another Agency.
Dr. Eweup performed the 8 hour operation, where nearly 40 pounds of excess flesh was removed. The breast matter was then placed into a vacuum-sealed container, and will be on display at Big Al's Titty Emporium in the Hall of Fame display case.
Editors note: Since Ms. LaDousche was unemployed with no health insurance, Big Al has offered her a job to help her out. She will be appearing nightly at Big Al's Titty Emporium. There's no charge for parking. Also, the cover charge is $5, with a two drink minimum.
Beautiful Women can be bad for your health
A racing pulse and sweaty palms are well known as the signs of instant attraction. But research has shown that, for men (and some women, if you happen to swing that way) five minutes spent alone with a beautiful woman causes so much stress, it may be bad for the heart.
“The effects are worst for men,” noted scientist, Seymore Butz, claims. “Not only on the heart, but also the wallet. Men tend to spend more money on attractive women than ugly ones.”
Dr. Butz goes on to say, “The anxiety rate of those men is similar to jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft. Their cortisol levels can rise even higher, bringing on the possibility of a heart attack.
The University of Buzzardbait paid 8 male students to take part in an experiment that measured their cortisol levels before and after they had been left alone with an attractive woman. Thereafter, the same group of men were placed in the same room with an ugly woman. There were only minor bouts of nausea in that tests group; and in one case, a marriage proposal. But after the beer buzz subsided, the proposal was recended.
Correction
Due to incorrect information received from the Ammo County Court Clerks office, Daphne Gropeme, 38, of Beaver Lick was incorrectly listed as being arrested and fined for prostitution in an earlier edition of The Curious Urinal. The charge should have been listed as failure to stop fully at a stop sign. We apologize for the error.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Water main break puts hundreds without water
Ethel Wizenheimer of the Buzzardbait Water and Sewer Commission said that currently the water main break near the Sludge Cola Bottling Company is not really that big of a deal. "There are only 900 people affected right now out of 1,350 residents, so those whiners just need to shut up and be patient."
The disruption in service is the latest problem that Buzzardbait has had to deal with this past weekend. Record rainfall mixed with the tourists from Lousyville's Kentucky Derby created a mess that County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closoff called "A perfect storm of problems that we simply did not need!"
The three people that came to Buzzardbait after the Derby created a problem, as they stopped at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes and ordered espresso coffee with soy milk. Greasy Louie had to toss them out, losing nearly $3.50 in revenue.
We asked about the water main break and what precautions needed to be taken. Ethel Wizenheimer suggested, "Go to the store, buy some frickin' bottled water and deal with it!" When asked how long the disruption of service would last, Ms. Wizenheimer replied, "Whenever we get around to fixing it, then we'll let you know!"
Until the crisis has abated, residents are asked to not try to do laundry, cook, clean, wash your car or tractor, irrigate, or flush the toilets until further notice.
One resident, Ms. Jean Mofocastanski of Downtown Buzzardbait said, "This is just freakin' great. You can't flush the damned terlots. It's a bad day to have the squirts, I can tell you that!"
Ethel Wizenheimer of the Buzzardbait Water and Sewer Commission said that currently the water main break near the Sludge Cola Bottling Company is not really that big of a deal. "There are only 900 people affected right now out of 1,350 residents, so those whiners just need to shut up and be patient."
The disruption in service is the latest problem that Buzzardbait has had to deal with this past weekend. Record rainfall mixed with the tourists from Lousyville's Kentucky Derby created a mess that County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closoff called "A perfect storm of problems that we simply did not need!"
The three people that came to Buzzardbait after the Derby created a problem, as they stopped at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes and ordered espresso coffee with soy milk. Greasy Louie had to toss them out, losing nearly $3.50 in revenue.
We asked about the water main break and what precautions needed to be taken. Ethel Wizenheimer suggested, "Go to the store, buy some frickin' bottled water and deal with it!" When asked how long the disruption of service would last, Ms. Wizenheimer replied, "Whenever we get around to fixing it, then we'll let you know!"
Until the crisis has abated, residents are asked to not try to do laundry, cook, clean, wash your car or tractor, irrigate, or flush the toilets until further notice.
One resident, Ms. Jean Mofocastanski of Downtown Buzzardbait said, "This is just freakin' great. You can't flush the damned terlots. It's a bad day to have the squirts, I can tell you that!"
Miss Anita Fuzzenbush is a highly regarded forth grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School and Flea Market.
In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Friday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics, ranging from Arithmetic to Spelling.
One of the questions read:
LIST THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________
75% of the students gave the following answer?
1. DEER SEASON
2. RABBIT SEASON
3. TOBACCO-FLAVORED CUMQUAT SEASON
4. BASKETBALL SEASON
You've got to be proud of our students!
And speaking of School:
Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Senior Dance on May 28th. This years theme is Thank God We're Outta There!
Chaperone's are requested to attend this year dance as the. The high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers that chaperoned last years dance. Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait last year will also note that over 80% of the graduating seniors missed graduation day due to the bail hearings.
If you wish to be one of the Dance Chaperone's, the requirements include: Being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds, as some of our students are fairly good sized.
Benefits include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance).
Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.
In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Friday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics, ranging from Arithmetic to Spelling.
One of the questions read:
LIST THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________
75% of the students gave the following answer?
1. DEER SEASON
2. RABBIT SEASON
3. TOBACCO-FLAVORED CUMQUAT SEASON
4. BASKETBALL SEASON
You've got to be proud of our students!
And speaking of School:
Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Senior Dance on May 28th. This years theme is Thank God We're Outta There!
Chaperone's are requested to attend this year dance as the. The high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers that chaperoned last years dance. Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait last year will also note that over 80% of the graduating seniors missed graduation day due to the bail hearings.
If you wish to be one of the Dance Chaperone's, the requirements include: Being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds, as some of our students are fairly good sized.
Benefits include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance).
Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.
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